Title: The Madness of Voyager
Part 1: The Final Ending!
Author: Ista of the Dreamers
Rating: G-PG
Disclaimer: I own none of the characters from the T.V. show, Star Trek Voyager, and I did not come up with any of the show, or the other Star Trek Shows.....darn
Stuff: Wow! I've been overwhelmed with the number of reviews on this! :) Thank you so much everyone who has read this, and I hope it has made you laugh! As always, if you have any feedback/comments/or reviews, I'd love to hear from you! Thank you!
The Madness of Voyager
B'Ellana grimaced as she worked at the console. "Jeez, I never thought I'd have to do this to him."
"Paris?"
"No, the Doctor." She finished configuring the Doctor's program and managed a smile. "Well, I never pictured the Doctor wanting to get a sex change, but oh well."
"Too much information," Seven said emotionlessly. "This story is dragging. Let's get some action here."
"All right," Torres said. "Here goes . . ."
She pressed a button, and a woman's voice said, "Please state the nature of the medical emergency if you would, dears?"
The new hologram stood before them, hips swaying slightly. Torres could feel her jaw dropping open, and so she quickly closed it and forced herself to look at her new creation. Wearing a blue dress, high heels, and BOBBED BROWN HAIR!!!
Torres could see Seven shivering through her jumpsuit at the Doctor's new face, and she eventually stepped up to him with a computer padd.
"Ummmm, Doc? You probably don't notice this, but you're a woman."
"I know, dear!" beamed the Doctora. "I know everything about what you did, and I must admit, I feel great!!"
B'Ellana was screaming inside.
Seven called the Captain. "Seven to Janeway."
I sure hope you took away my wrinkles, said the Doctora, hands rubbing slightly on her face.
"Janeway here."
The Doctora got B'Ellana's attention. Could I trouble you for a mirror, my dear?
"The Doctor seems to be stabalized, but he-um-looks different. I think that we should get going because I'm starting to get officially freaked out here."
B'Ellana shuddered and pointed to a mirror along the wall. The Doctora smiled warmly and pranced over to it.
"Okay," Janeway said. "Meet me back at the Jeffrey's tube junction, and we can figure out what happens next."
"Pink is my favorite color," the Doctora chimed in. Why didn't you make my dress PINK?!
B'Ellana was getting a headache. She grabbed the Doctor by the arm, and pulled him/her out of sickbay, Seven following close behind with the semi-awake Paris.
Just then, a voice echoed through the hallways.
"I'm here . . . . I'm coming to get you . . ."
"That's Chakotay," Torres said with a shudder. "Let's keep going."
But as she walked, she didn't see him around the corner until it was too
late . . .
*******************
"LETS GET READY TO POLKA!!!!!!!"
Seven screamed and fainted dead away. B'Ellana screamed and fainted dead away. And, yes, Paris screamed and fainted dead away. (Can you see where this is going?!) The Doctora tried to shriek and whimper a little bit, but no matter how much she tried, she couldn't. Poor guy, it just wasn't in HER programming! The Doctora sort of flopped on the floor, and looked up at Chakotay with flashing eyelashes. Chakotay just grinned a big teethy grin, and ripped off his polka shirt.
"You know, you're kind of attractive with long hair."
The Doctora suddenly smiled a seductive smile, and tossed his/her hair back(think Herbal Essence adds.'she's got the urge' type of stuff.') Yes! Yes!
"And you're kind of nice looking too . . . umm-yeah." The Doctora quickly slipped a computer chip behind Seven's ear.
Chakotay held out a hand to her/him, and said, "Come my dear, come with me to my land of polka."
The Doctora almost went with him, but then turned back. "But what about these poor dears? . . . We can't just leave them here."
"Mr. Happy Vulcan will take care of them."
"Oh. Okay." Then the Doctora frowned. "What do I get if I come with you?"
Chakotay sighed, rolling his eyes. "Anything you want."
"You got it."
"Anything you need."
You got it!"
"Anything at all! You got it!"
"Baaaaaaabbbbbaaaaaayyyyyyy!"
They skipped down the hallways to the beat of a rhythm all their own.
********************
Janeway sighed, turned around, sighed again, tapped her commbadge, shook her head, stood up, walked around, sat down, stood up, walked around, and sat down again. (She was bored.)
"Why won't they come?" she asked no one in particular out loud. All of the other women had gone to bed, laying on blankets scrounged together from various places on the ship. No one was awake. Janeway chewed her nails, and then realized that she had to get out of the Jeffreys tubes. She wasn't normally so claustrophobic, but she needed something desperately, and that little something was her entire life. Without it, she was nothing.
Coffee.
She tried to reason with herself sitting in the darkness. It will probably take some time for Torres and Seven to come back, she thought. She could just take a little tiny trip to the messhall for one tiny little cup of coffee . . . and then rush right back.
"Yep," Janeway said to the sleeping crewwomen as she inched her way to the opening in the tubes, as if making a prison break. "I'll be gone for just about-oh-ten seconds, so I won't be gone that long and yeah-" She zoomed out of the opening and into the hallway.
She was only a couple feet away from the messhall door when she looked to her side and saw Harry Kim. He looked pretty good aside from the bruise on his cheek, and holes in his shirt. She didn't know quite what to say to him.
From Seven's description, he had been pretty violent, so she took out her phaser, trying to smile.
Ain't nothing gonna keep me from my cup o' Joe.
"How are you, Harry?" she asked timidly. "Is everything going okay with you?"
"Who's Harry?" he asked quite innocently, arms crossed and leaning against the wall. "My name's James."
"James who?"
"James T. Kirk."
Janeway shook her head, said, "Poor little psycho," and shot him with her phaser.
"Annoying, isn't he?" Neelix said, brandishing a knife. Janeway shot him too, and sighed as she replicated a cup of hot, steamy coffee; black.
"Distractions, distractions," she said.
************************
Seven woke up to Paris licking her face. She looked at him, slapped him, and then slapped him again. She woke up B'Ellana, and the two of them started formulating a plausible story to tell to the Captain about what happened.
"We could say that the modifications we made on the doctor screwed up his mind," B'Ellana suggested.
"We knew that that would happen anyway," Seven said with a sigh. "I don't see what good lying to the captain is going to do."
"Seven!"
"Who's that?" Seven of Nine whirled around in the hallway to see nobody there.
"It's me!" came the woman voice.
"Who?"
"The Doctora!!!"
"Doctor?" she exclaimed.
"Who you talking to?" B'Ellana asked her.
"It's the Doctor. He's talking to me."
"Riiiiiight," B'Ellana said. "I guess I'm the only one sane right now but-"
"Shut up! He's talking to me." Seven fingered the small chip on her neck. "He's using my implants to communicate with me! He's brilliant!!"
"SHE'S brilliant," B'Ellana corrected, clearly annoyed. "Stop gushing over her and tell me what's going on."
"She says that she only went with Chakotay to learn more about what is affecting the men."
"But we already had Paris," Torres whined.
"True," Seven said. "But the Doctora says that Chakotay is the leader it seems. She says that if the anomaly is controlling Chakotay, then she might be able to formulate a better cure."
"Perfect," Torres said, throwing up her hands. "Currently, the ship has gone crazy, we're stuck with him," she indicated Paris, "and the Doctor decides to just run off and play Jane Bond. Perfect!!!"
"Sarcastic comments do not better the situation, Lieutenent," Seven said calmly.
"I don't care!" B'Ellana scowled, and then looked up at her. "Just what is your rank anyway?"
Seven squirmed underneath her ultra tight body suit.
Can somebody say, B'Ellana just touched a nerve?'
"My rank is higher than yours," she said with what anyone could have mistaken for a smile.
B'Ellana's look could've killed a poodle, but then it softened, broke, and she fell over on the floor laughing her head off.
"What is it?" Seven shrieked, her moment of glory snatched away by B'Ellana's outburst.
"Paris is drooling on your shoes!!!!"
Seven slowly looked down . . .
"Let's find the Captain."
************************
"Justonemorecup."
Kathryn Janeway had just drank twenty cups of coffee . . . neeeeeeeeeed I say more?
She was replicating another cup when Seven, Torres, and Paris entered the messhall.
"Thank goodness we found you, Captain! No one had seen you leave, and we were sure that something terrible had happened to you.'
Janeway's head clicked, and she smiled suddenly. Whyit'sverygoodofyoutoworry
aboutmesomuchbecauseyou'resonice,bothofyou!
"Captain . . ."
"WouldyoulikesomecoffeeIjustmadesomemyselfandittastedreallygoodsoIdecidedtodrink
somemoreandallofasuddenIfeltveryawakeandIfeltlikegoingonandonandonandonandonand-
"We have one problem," Torres said.
"Wouldyoulikesomecoffee?" Janeway asked again.
"I'll have some," Paris said, racing up to Janeway.
"NO!!!!!!!" Seven and Torres screamed.
************************
"So, why did we come to the messhall again?" Torres asked Seven.
"It was to find the Captain," Seven said.
"Right," B'Ellana said slowly.
"Wouldyoulikesomecoffee,dears?" Janeway asked them yet again, eyes wide open.
Seven squirmed beneath her suit. "Maybe we should take the Captain to see the Doctor as well as Mr. Paris."
"Good idea," Torres said quickly. "Let's get going."
They stepped outside of the messhall, and guess who was there?
"I need your socks," Kim said, and he looked like a turkey that had a hernia.
"Ican'tgiveyoumysocksbutIcangiveyousomecoffeeifyouwouldlikethatbutifyoudon'twantsomecoffeethenIcangiveyousomedecafbut-"
"Stoooooooooooooooooooooop!" Kim screamed, putting his hands to his ears, and doing the macarena. "Sheeeeeeeee's killing meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!"
Then, all of a sudden, Harry Kim stopped, looked around, and said softly, "What am I doing here?"
"Harry?" B'Ellana said gently. "Do you remember what happened to you?"
"No," Kim said with a shrug. "I was in my quarters, and that was the last thing that I remembered."
"Janeway must have cured him," Seven said, astounded.
"Then why hasn't he been cured yet?" Torres said, pointing to Tom who was chasing his tail . . .
Paris stopped, looked up, and grinned. "Oh, that was just an act."
"You mean you were normal all this time, and you never said anything?!" Torres said, anger seething through her teeth.
"Um, yeah," Paris said. "Hey, I was bored! What's a guy like me supposed to do when everyone of his own sex starts acting crazy? I thought that it was some sort of April Fools kind of thing. You know, 'when in Rome, do as the Romans do'."
Torres shook her head, and pointed at him. "I'm going to have a talk with you later."
"We must get going," Seven said, annoyed. "We need to save the ship."
"Right," Kim said. "If we can just let Janeway talk over the loudspeaker-'
"Loudspeaker?!" Torres and Seven said together.
"Yeah," Kim said. "Then everything would be back to normal."
"Right," Janeway said super-quickly. "Totheloudspeaker."
********************
The Doctora squirmed as Chakotay tickled his/her feet. He/She was just about to scream at being surrounded by so many men at one time, when:
Allright,let'sgetreadytorumble,Chakotayandparty. Thisisyourcaptainspeaking. Iexpectachanceoftwentytothirtypercentofthemenfalling,screamingtheirheadsofwithfright,and
thendoingthemacarena.
All of a sudden, Chakotay, and the other men started screaming and doing the Macarena. The Doctora grinned in fascination.
******************
"Well, I'm glad that everything is back to normal," Janeway said on the bridge with her senior officers surrounding her. "As well as my caffeine level."
"Ah ha ha ha ha ha," Paris burst out, and then shut his mouth when everyone stared at him.
"I must say that being a woman for a day made my ideas of women most different," The Doctor said, now fully back to his manly self. "It was very interesting what I experienced, and I'd like to submit a full report to you, Captain, if that's all right with you."
"Good night, folks," Janeway said, and pulled down the curtain.
"Wait! Wait!" everyone cried. "I want to see what's in his report!!!"
*The End*
Authors Note: I love writing complete seriousness and complete insanity, and rarely find a chance when it is appropriate to combine the two. :) This was one of the first parodies I ever wrote, and I hope those who have read it, enjoyed it! It was a lot of fun to write, and it's even more fun to share it with people who loved the series as much as I did. I might be posting some serious fics of Voyager if I can find them, and have time to edit them, but it's been a treat! :) Thank you to EVERYONE who has read this! Thank you!
-Ista
