Chapter 14: Decisions

Disclaimer: I do not own the characters of Final Fantasy VIII.

Guilt is the most destructive of all emotions.

It mourns what has been

while playing no part in what may be,

now or in the future.

-- Penelope Leach


"Squall!"

My gun dropped from my hands and I rushed to his side. Vaguely, I heard the Ruby Dragon cry out but it didn't matter to me anymore. Only Squall. Only my son's life mattered.

Blood poured out of his face and gashes ran across his face. Some could rival the one he already had between his eyes and some were relatively minor. Relatively. My son's face was filled with bruises and cuts so horrible I could barely stand to look.

He didn't respond to my calls and neither did he move when I slid my arms underneath him to lift him up. But as I struggled to rise to my feet, something thick and scaly swiped me across my back. Squall dropped out of my arms as I went flat on my face. The Ruby Dragon is still alive and out for revenge. Before I could roll out of the way, another whip of his tail came crashing down on back. My nerves screamed out in pain but I felt a different kind of pain deep down.

A cold rage seemed to have taken hold of me. I slowly got to my feet and faced the Ruby Dragon. It looked wounded from my summon but it could still take me out easily. Like how he took out Squall.

I fixed my eyes on him and we neither of us moved an inch. He eyed me just as stonily and seemed to be contemplating his next move. A faint bell began tinkling in my head, telling me that something was different. At first I thought it was just the pale moonlight shining down which made it look unusual. Then I realized what it was. Its usual scarlet brilliance had turned to a dull red and its horns were mauve in color. It awakened a memory of long ago when I was struggling to make ends meet through acting…

The beast gave a roar and lifted a claw to swipe at me again. Then, I lost it. I shouted a loud primal call back at him and rushed at him. Weaponless and half-crazy, I rained blow after blow deep into the monster's body and head. Once a stray hit struck its eye and it cried in pain. It tried desperately to defend itself from the mad man that was me but I was not going to let him go.

You…bastard…….of a….dragon…… You're……..going…to…….bear……your…..scars….for....the rest of….your….life….like……..what……you did….to…my son…... If….you….do…live.

I panted as I punched and kicked the monster until I felt my strength draining out of my arms. Still, I kept on beating it like a punching bag. Every feeling of rage and anger and hurt, I poured it out entirely and withheld nothing.

I…will…kill…you…….

The monster opened it's mouth to utter one final roar of defiance but I beat him to it. Screaming out a battle cry of my own, I landed my fist into it's face and let it slump back to the ground, dead and defeated. I had done it! I have defeated a Ruby Dragon all on my own!

But reality gave me a wake-up call. I caught sight of grey and black out of the corner of my eye and abandoned my victory celebration. Now that the danger was over, I dropped to my knees beside of him and tore off his gloves. I held my breath and felt for his pulse. I began to count the seconds ticking past. Then I felt it. It was so weak at first that I had nearly missed it. But it came again. Again and again. Squall was still but barely alive. I gently laid his hand down by his side and rummaged through his scattered supplies. Surely there must be a Phoenix Down or anything of that sort in here…

Potions, Antidotes, one Remedy and one Elixir but not a single Phoenix Down. I had no Life spells with me either. Damn!

I ran back to the campfire which had died out by now and searched through my own supplies. Nothing useful turned up. Nothing that would revive Squall anyway. These could only be used for those that were still conscious.

I gathered up my belongings and went to retrieve my gun. I could not stay. The dead dragon's corpse was already drawing predators to feast on it's remains and it would be dangerous not to mention stupid to stay, hopelessly defenseless alone. Something glinted at me on the ground as I picked up my gun. Reaching for it, I placed it in my palm to have a closer look. It was the dragon's fang. Somehow it had loosened itself in the fight and had fallen off. Its edge was still sharp and could cut off my hand if I wasn't careful. I could think of no use for it and discarded it.

When I reached where I had left Squall, he was still unconscious and didn't respond when I accidentally dropped one of the Potions I was carrying. It spilt on the ground and the precious liquid was absorbed into the ground. I had wasted a good Potion but it was no use crying over it. I had to get Squall out of here and there's only one way I could do that with him in his state…carry him.

Packing all of the supplies into the bag I carried with me, I picked up Squall's gun and mine. There was no way I could possibly carry both of them at once unless I abandoned the bag which was not an option. I made my choice and strapped my gun on my hip. I pocketed the ammo however and the extra went into Squall's own pockets. Slipping the bag's strap on my shoulder, I was all secured. Then I bent down and gently lifted Squall up in my arms. Even though my knees were buckling under his weight, I gritted my teeth and took a step forward. With these burdens, I slowly walked into the distance, not even sure if I was heading in the right direction.


I don't remember how long I walked and neither did I remember how I found the extra strength to soldier on. But now I was too tired to go any further. I should be far enough from the Ruby Dragon. This should be a safe place to rest. It has to be. I couldn't go on. Not tonight anyway.

Lowering Squall to the ground, I searched through my bag to find a Tent. I found two. Spreading one out on the ground, I picked Squall up and placed him at the very entrance of it. There was room enough for two but sleep will come much later for me. Now I had to act as doctor for the two of us. I lit a fire and turned to examine Squall.

His face was badly wounded and when I took his jacket off, blood had stained his white shirt. I laid his jacket aside and began to bandage up his wounds. As far as I could tell, he had no bones broken but had only cuts and bruises. And he was unconscious. I found scars on his right knuckles. I wonder how he got those. They looked newer than the rest of the faded scars I had found. Even though I knew it was pointless, I grabbed a Hi-Potion, unscrewed the cap and poured the contents down his throat. Some spilled out of his mouth but I managed to manipulate them down his throat.

When I had finished on him, he looked much better despite the severe wounds and the pallor of his face. I looked down at myself and realized that I needed medical attention myself. My hands had bled from punching the dragon and sore from carrying Squall through the barren land. Under normal circumstances, I would need to give it a rest for the next fortnight but I doubt that I had that luxury now. Everything I do now would be on my own. I had no help and I had nothing to call for help.

It took a long time before I was finally done but downing a Potion helped a lot. Dawn was only a few hours away and that was the time I had to get some sleep. I was too tired to keep awake to watch for lurking predators and left the fire burning. I can only pray that the faeries or Hyne or the Powers that May Be would be watching out for us tonight. I had not the strength to do that now.


I have been walking for three days now and Squall was still unconscious. How long can I keep this up? How long will my strength last before I finally collapse? How long could I possibly take this anymore?

Forcing Squall to drink Potion after Potion seemed to have an effect on him despite his comatose state. When the Potions gave out, I started on the Hi-potions. Already his wounds had healed and the deathly paleness had lifted, returning him to his almost normal look. But he was still down for the count and for that, I am nearly at my wits ends.

Whispers began to haunt my mind, both tormenting me and persuading me. As I felt Squall's weight on my back where I had switched him to and the weight of my bag in front of me, the whispers were seducing and enticing.

'Why don't you just leave him here and save your own skin?'

'He told you to drop dead, didn't he? How could you still see him as your son?'

'Squall didn't even give you a chance. Why give him one?'

The whispers never left my side and throughout the night, I would wake up only to hear the whispers begin their harangue again. Nothing I did could tune them out. Nothing. I was close to insanity.

'Wouldn't it be easier to just put him down in one spot and let him slowly fade away to death? You wouldn't need to carry anymore dead weight.'

'He told you that you killed his mother, the woman you loved so much. Can you even forgive him for that?'

'Look over there! You could just put him down by that rock there and leave. If anyone asks, say that a monster had attacked you two and he had died in that attack.'

'Nobody would ever know…'

Nobody would even know. It was true. Even if they found his body, they would agree with my story of an attack because it was partly true. I only had to 'forget' to tell them about abandoning his breathing body.

'Be a man for once, Laguna. Save yourself.'

'Forget about him. He wouldn't even lift a finger to help you if you were him.'

'Do you think he would want to see you when he wakes up? No!'

They were right. Everything they said was right. He would have killed me if he had the chance. He said so himself. Why should I help him? He already denounced me as his father. Shouldn't I disown him as well?

'Do it, Laguna. Do it!'

'Just stop and put him down. Its so easy. Even a baby could do it!'

'Rinoa and Ellone would never know. Raine would have done the same thing.'

No!!

I screamed and the silence was shattered. The whispers disappeared and I was left alone again. But I continued to scream. Raine wouldn't have done it. Raine would never do it. She would have continued on to the ends of the earth if she had to. How could I even think such a thing?

Gently lowering Squall to the ground, I tossed my bag down and turned to scream at the air. Dear Hyne! Why am I thinking such thoughts? My own son. My own flesh and blood. How could I? How could I??

I began to sob aloud and my tears rolled down my face and splattered on the dry ground. A puddle began to form in front of my feet and it was steadily growing by the minute. I cried myself out, berating myself for thinking such evil thoughts. I vowed to myself that I would not let Raine down again. I would not let Ellone, Rinoa, Kiros and Ward down. I would not let Squall down.

I turned around to pick Squall up again and then I saw it. A dark opening on the cliff in the distance…


I laid Squall down on the cold floor. His face showed no signs of waking up but he looked like he was sleeping. Maybe he was. Maybe he'll wake up soon. Maybe we can somehow get out of here.

The cave was a small one and had not been recently inhibited. It wasn't too hot or too cold and it had a few rock formations that made it perfect as pillows. If you want them hard. The cave was an ideal place to stay for the night. Or for the rest of the time we wait for rescue.

The idea was tempting. Walking for four days on end had taken its toll on me. I did not think I could possibly go through another day of it, nor another week.

The thought frightened me and I made my decision. I would just have to rely on Fate now for rescue to come. That is, until I can get Squall to wake up.

I drew out some Chimera meat which I had recently killed and sank my teeth into it. I still couldn't get used to the taste but at least I had something to eat. Already I had lost what fat I had on my arms and my stomach. I'm sure that if I looked into a mirror, I wouldn't be able to sleep at all.

Leaning my head against the wall, I tried to rest myself. But I was still too restless from the whispers that had only just stopped tormenting me. I needed to distract myself. My mind turned to the day before we had been attacked by the Ruby Dragon. My thoughts flew to our conversations and despite myself; I couldn't help rehashing over them again. We were in Centra. We needed to get to the Chocobo Forest and maybe get some help. We junctioned Guardian Forces…

Guardian Forces! My mind screamed at me and I was close to banging my head against the wall. Why haven't I thought of it? I could have saved so many wasted hours and strength. I could have saved myself from worrying so much.

I hurried over to Squall's side and knelt down. I have no idea how to do this but I have to try. I took a deep breath and laid my hand on his forehead. Nothing happened. I closed my eyes and tried to concentrate like how I had seen him do it. I had almost decided to take a break from this when I felt myself go dizzy. Then I was in.

Squall's mind was a nightmare of confusion. Fragments of memories floated past me but I couldn't make them out clearly. It was like staring at a reflection in rippling water. Confusion. The only word that could describe it.

I wandered through his mind, trying to somehow find where he kept his magic. Surely the Commander of SeeD and Garden would keep a Life spell for emergencies.

Another memory fragment came floating by but this one caught my attention. There was a gravestone in the background. Raine's.

I stared at it and saw Squall smashing his fist down on the gravestone. I leaned closer to listen to his muttering lips. He said that he had erased the name that had let them both down. Squall had just cursed my name.

I closed my eyes. No, this can't be. Squall couldn't have done that. But he was the last person I found there. He even had the scars on his hand…

Somehow as I stumbled around, I ended up where Squall kept his magic. It was filled with swirls and colors that gave off auras. I shivered. I had to get the Life spell and get out of here. I could feel hatred around me.

There wasn't a huge, bright neon sign that announced 'Life' in capital letters but I found it anyway. I don't know how but I did. I took one and concentrated again. I felt the same dizziness again and then I opened my eyes to find myself nearly falling on top of Squall.

I had no time to waste so I prepared the spell. Careful not to miss my aim, I cast Life on Squall and then stepped back to wait for the results.

Nothing happened at first and I was ready to give up in despair when he made just the slightest of movements. The very slightest. His lips opened and he began to breath normally. I sat back, unable to feel any emotion except despair.

Squall…Squall did it. He really does hate me. He would even desecrate Raine's grave just to defile my name. I was a fool. I had been wishing in vain. He was murmuring something and I leaned closer to listen. He was calling Rinoa's name. He said something else as well and I listened as misery began to rise in me. Then I remembered what I hadn't told Squall.

'Being the president of the most powerful nation or the commander of the most powerful military organization doesn't mean you're what we want. Sometimes, you have to scatter the crumbs before you can capture the canary. Or canaries in this case.'

Ellone and Rinoa were the canaries to be captured and we were the crumbs to bait them. For the both of them would willingly give themselves up for our lives. How could I have thought that the Time-traveler and the Sorceress would be a more tempting capture than the President and the Commander? But Hagarn was dead and we were safe. For now.

Another thought struck me and I began to follow its lead. I won't let Squall blame me for enticing Ellone and Rinoa to be captured. I won't let him be bothered over me anymore either. I won't let him be separated from Rinoa. There's only one way out of this. He's conscious now and rescue would come. Its only a matter of time.

I picked up the only Elixir we had and poured it down Squall's throat. Then I whispered into his ear to be strong and to go back to Rinoa. I turned and went out of the cave opening. There is only one way and I am taking it.


Notes: FFN's problems have caused a long delay but this chapter is finally up. Tell me what you think. I really miss all of your reviews.