Chapter 17: Desperation

Disclaimer: I do not own the characters of Final Fantasy VIII.

"Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time; it is regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable."

--Sydney J. Harris


I never want to let go of her.

I held her close to me. I'm not going to let go. I don't care what everyone else is thinking or saying. Nothing else around us matters. I've gone to hell and back. Now the angel from heaven which I thought I had lost forever was here in my arms.

She raised her head and looked at me. I looked back at her. In her eyes, I read of the pain, the suffering, the torture I had put her through.

I swore to her. Never again!

Our lips met.


I sat back in my chair and looked at her. She caught my eyes and smiled. I smiled back. How could I have even decided to leave her? Her hand reached out to mine and the cool touch of her hand reassured me. She was real. It wasn't a dream.

The door opened. A week ago, I would have released my hand and turned to glare at the intruder. Now…I glanced at the door.

A woman in a white stainless smock. Glasses. Stethoscope around the neck. A clipboard in one hand and a pen in the other. Her feet made 'thock thock' sounds on the marble floor. I have a feeling that she's the old Instructor Trepe in a doctor's clothes.

"Commander Leonhart, why aren't you in bed?" Her voice sounded like Dr. Kadowaki when she was scolding me a year ago, after I ended up in bed with a lovely scar courtesy of Hyperion.

I looked at Rinoa who shook her head in protest.

"It wasn't me. He wanted to get up and wouldn't listen. So we compromised."

"I see." The doctor fixed a stern eye on me. I wonder what happened to my reputation as the cold commander who can cow anyone with just one look. Unless I really look that banged-up, I seem to be losing it. Did it really matter?

One glance at her face as she stared at her clipboard changed my mind. Rinoa saw my look of grimace and laughed silently. I mocked a glare at her which sent her into fits of giggles. The doctor looked up and Rinoa stared back at her innocently. She shrugged and turned to address me.

"We've come across a few surprising things while examining you. While your body is slightly dehydrated and you have a few bruises, you are perfectly fine. For someone who underwent two crashes and was knocked out for four days in the Centra, you're really something. I don't know how you did it but all I can say is that you're very lucky, young man."

She turned her attention back to her clipboard and began to search for something. What now? Was she going to pull out a certificate of commendation for surviving under extreme circumstances without killing their precious president? I think I deserved that, at the least. I can't wait to get off this country and go back to Garden. I've had enough of Estharians to last me a lifetime. I don't care if he's a Galbadian, screw him.

Rinoa leaned over and whispered in my ear. "Tell her to hurry it up and get out."

"She'll probably just stay longer in here. All these doctors are the same." I whispered back.

"Say you're tired or something."

Good idea. I turned to speak to the doctor but she spoke first.

"Although you'll probably say that you won't understand this, I think you'll find some interesting things in it that you might want to know." She handed me a few pieces of paper and nodded good day before walking out the door.

"What's that, Squall?"

I looked down at the papers. "Some medical reports. What's so interesting about my organs that I'd want to know?" A missing kidney or a collapsing heart perhaps?

"Let me see." Rinoa reached over to take the papers from me when the door opened again. My eyes flickered over to the entrance and then I almost wished I didn't.

No, it wasn't Laguna. I'm not sure if this is better or worse. It was Kiros.

He stood there in silence for a while. He was looking at me. I hardened my stare. Rinoa glanced from Kiros to me and got up.

"I think I'll go get some water. I'm feeling thirsty. Please don't do anything rash, Squall." She bent and brushed her lips against my cheek. Kiros smiled back at her as she walked out the door.

Do anything rash? I wonder what made her think of that.

Now there was only the two of us there. He was still looking at me, without saying a single word. Is this the kind of effect Laguna has on everybody or is it just me? I folded my arms and spoke.

"What?" Did Mr. President complained of my behavior or am I being arrested for manhandling him? I can think of a million other reasons.

"Laguna's dying."

As if I…what?? I sat and stared.

"Laguna Loire is dying."

You're…you're kidding. Right? I mean he's just unconscious from the fatigue. He's the worst excuse for a soldier. Come on. He can't be…

"This isn't a joke and I'm not testing to see if you have any emotions left in you. You know as well as I do that I'm telling the truth."

The worst thing is, I know he's telling the truth and he knows that I know. Damn.

I tried my best to look at him stonily, like how I do to Laguna when he's being his moronic self. "Cause?"

"Poisoning. Not a normal Bio spell. We found two bite marks on his right side. The doctors agree that it's from the tail of a Chimera, found only on Centra." He stared harder at me. "I think you have some explaining to do."

Please don't tell me you're serious. You think that I sent him into die from a snake bite and didn't tell anyone? Yes, I hate him but I certainly did not let him get poisoned as far as I know. "You're wrong. I didn't even know he was poisoned."

He lifted an eyebrow. Surely he already knows what happened in Centra. One more explanation and I'll throw him out of the room, Estharian Minister or not.

He drew up a chair and sat in front of me. Good Hyne! I'm going to be interrogated here! I set my jaw and sent a strong message across to him with my eyes. He ignored it.

"There are some things I don't understand. They found you two about four days' walk from the crash site on the Serengetti Plains. You said that you were only a day's walk from the crash site when you were attacked by the Ruby Dragon and knocked out. How in the name of Hyne above did you get to that cave?"

I opened my mouth and then clamped it shut again. How did I get there? Laguna didn't have any magic spells on him except for the ones we drew from the few Chimeras and Jelleyes we met. Unless he found a Float spell, I don't think we just appeared there out of thin air.

"We only found one Guardian Force junctioned to Laguna and its Doomtrain which according to our GF specialists, certainly doesn't have any spells that could alter his status to Float." That's true unless he was crazy enough to let Doomtrain run over him.

I stared at him without saying anything. This is his show, let him carry it.

"All I can think of is that he carried you."

Yeah. Right! I shook my head. It's ridiculous. He couldn't possibly have done that.

"Putting that aside for the moment, there is something else you should know. We found an Antidote on you when they found the both of you. If he was poisoned and I'm sure he knew that, why didn't he use it?" How the hell am I supposed to know??

He rose from his chair and stared down at me. "Squall, why didn't you give it to him?"

Every person has his limit and he's just pushed me over the maximum. "Look! I don't know why he didn't ask for the damn Antidote if he knew I had it. I offered him a Potion and he refused to take the damn thing. I really don't give a damn at all if he wants to die. If he really wants to die so much, then let him!"

"Your father is lying on his bed, dying and all you can say is that you don't care?" He roared.

"That man is not my father and he can be eaten by Buels for all I care!" I shot back.

"You're nothing but a cold, heartless bastard. You don't even feel sorry that you've probably aided in the murder of your own father?" He spat out.

My eyes blazed and I pointed at the door. If he didn't go, I'll make him leave.

He promptly headed for the door. Just before he left, he tossed a few parting words to me.

"By the way, even though you don't deserve to hear this, Laguna said to tell you that this is how much he loves you."

With that, he left. I slumped back down in my chair and stared into space.


"Squall, what's wrong?"

I turned over and saw Rinoa looking at me concerned. I shook my head. Nothing's wrong.

"Tell me."

"…I can't sleep."

"Do you want to talk? I'm here, Squall."

I gripped the offered hand tightly. But I was still in turmoil.

"I don't want to talk about it."

"Then, how can I help you? Shall I call the doctor?"

"No, I'll be fine. Go back to sleep."

She settled back in her chair and closed her eyes. She had said she didn't want to leave me and even the doctor couldn't get her to sleep in another room. She insisted on being by my bedside. I really don't mind at all.

I laid back in bed and stared at the ceiling. Soon, I heard steady breathing coming from the side of the bed. Rinoa was asleep.

Maybe, I should go now. She's so tired, she won't wake up until morning. Yes, now's the best time to go.

I got up from my bed and made my way to the exit. Exhaustion fell on me but I ignored it and walked out. The corridor was empty. Slowly, I made my way through the winding corridors. My legs were too tired to take it anymore. I still continued on.

I thought back to the report I had read after Kiros had left. A certain highlighted paragraph kept on dancing in front of me. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't push it away. The words were etched into my mind. It was written there that they had found an astonishing amount of healing chemicals found in Potions and Hi-Potions. Even without a Phoenix Down, I had managed to stay alive by the amount of medication forced down my throat.

Had Laguna been giving me our entire supply of medication?

Finally I was in front of her room. I raised my hand, knocked and waited. Something moved in the room then it was silent. Seconds later, a door opened and Ellone's face greeted mine.

"Squall! What are you doing here?" She hastily supported me in and sat me down on a chair. I leaned forward to study her face. She hadn't been sleeping. She had been crying.

"Why are you here, Squall?" She looked at me, her face full of expectation. I could see the red veins in her eyes. A wave of guiltiness shot through me. Not now! I have to ask her.

"Ellone…will you do something for me?"

"You know I'll do anything for you, Squall." Her eyes looked sadly at me. I tried to ignore their message.

"…send me back to the past."

Her eyes grew wide open. "But why?"

"Please don't ask why, Ellone. Please just say you'll do it." I begged her. A memory washed over me. It was that of me pleading for her to send me into Rinoa's past. Now…it's different and yet the stakes are the same.

"Squall…all right. Who and when do you want to go to?"

"…Laguna, while we were on Centra."

This time she was really startled. "Squall…"

I shook my head. "Please don't ask, Ellone. I…there's something I have to know. Please, Ellone?" I was growing desperate. I have to know the truth now. Before I go mad.

"All right, Squall. But go back to your room. You'll be too weak to walk back if you don't."

I nodded my head. Anything. Anything at all.


Centra. I recognize the endless sand and sky. I looked down. Laguna's body. I looked around. Where was my body? Something heavy weighed down on my back and I turned to see what it was. I came face to face with myself.

I drew my breath sharply. Laguna…he carried me to the cave. It was him all along. Kiros was right. He did carry me for three days…

I could feel his muscles tightening and the sweat pouring from his face. I…my body weighed heavily on me. This…this just doesn't seem true. How could he have carried me so far for so long?

The vision faded and another appeared. This time we were in the cave. A sudden feeling of loneliness and desperation descended on me. Why was I feeling like this? Laguna?

Then I heard something. It was my voice. I - Laguna turned to listen. I was calling Rinoa's name. Laguna leaned in closer to listen.

"Rinoa…I promise. I'll come back to you. I promise. I'll never leave you alone again. Rinoa. Where are you? Rinoa. Rinoa!"

I felt it again. The same feeling of utter despair. What…why?

Laguna leaned and poured an entire elixir into my throat while whispering into my ear. I listen to myself as I mouthed out the words.

"Be strong, Squall. Never forget who you are. Never forget the ones that love you. Never forget the one you love. I will always be by your side when you need me. Go back to her and live. This is goodbye. I love you, Squall."

Then, he turned and walked out of the cave. He walked down the cliff and looked around. Then a roar came from behind of him. I turned him around to look. Chimera!

And he was smiling! The damn fool was smiling! But I could feel the calmness in him. He walked to the Chimera slowly, never slackening his pace. The beast rose up in the air and cried out again. He was still walking and smiling. I knew what was to come. I closed my eyes and felt the stinging bite of the Chimera's tail on his body…


Hyne! NO!

I leapt from my bed and tore out of the room. I don't know how many people I elbowed or pushed away but somehow, I reached the top floor. I threw the guards to one side and burst through the door. As I looked in, my stomach turned sick at the sight in front of me.

Laguna's face was ash white and his face looked like death itself. Only the slight rising of his chest told me that he was still breathing.

Blindly, I pointed at the door. Get them all out! Hyne, get them all out of here!

"Get out! Get out all of you!"

A doctor tried to push me out of the door but I grabbed him and pushed him out of the door with strength I didn't know I had. But I don't care. Just get out! The doctors and nurses scuttled out of the way after I shoved another doctor out. They slammed the door behind of me. But the sound seemed to come from a distance. I can only see the white figure on the bed.

I knelt by the bed and caught hold of his hand. Hyne Almighty! What have I done? What have I done?

The answer echoed back to me. I drove him to despair and to death. I told him to prove his love for me by getting out of my life. I told him that I never wanted to see his face again. All he wanted was to be my father.

Laguna, if you wake up now, I swear I'll never turn you away again. If you fight the poison and live, I'll be the son you wanted me to be. I know what you did for me. I know what you've tried to make me see. I know that now! Hyne! I'll do anything to save you now! You don't know how sorry I am. Please don't leave me alone anymore! Please live!

Please don't die, father.

Notes: Next week: The Epilogue.