The Most Ominous Threat: Osama bin Laden
Chapter Five: Finding the Boss
(Sorry if the update gets late. It's because of school. --Author)
"Yuna, I thought that you're transported into some far place. I really never wanna go to
a place alone since I was sucked to Spira," Tidus said with a sigh of relief.
"That's okay, Tidus, we are still in one piece. Now the two main things that we should worry
are our imprisonment and those people over there whom we didn't know," Yuna replied.
Meanwhile, Cloud, Squall, Zidane, and their buddies worry of another threat: death penalty.
Since they have been imprisoned at least once before, they are used to being in jail.
They introduce themselves, then talk about their fate. Let's hear their conversation.
Cloud: Oh man, this is the second time that I've been in jail.
Zidane: But mind you, my former prison cell was more dangerous. Below the cell it's no
ordinary bubble bath. It's hot lava.
Squall: ...You possibly can't beat me in terms of afflicted torture. I was electrocuted,
you know. (Sighs)
Zidane: Electro-what?
Squall: ...
Zidane: You silent fart.
Quistis: That's because you don't have advanced technology in your world, Zidane. If I get
it right, the most advanced invention there is... (pauses) ...the steam engine.
Zidane: Got it right.
(Tidus and co. overhear the conversation and decides to butt in, but...)
Cid: (Shouts) Hey you @#$% spies, you're overhearing our conversation! Get your ^&*(ing
candy %^&$ outta here!
Tidus: Hey, we're FF characters like you are! So let us in!
Cid: If you said it right, then join the club. What are your names anyway?
Tidus: I'm Tidus, and this is Yuna... (etc., etc.)
Selphie: Come join us! It's fun to talk!
(Tidus and co. join the rest of the group)
Aeris: So, how did you two guys come here last?
Wakka: Well, after we appear in a mountain region, we dodged bombs and gunshots flying all
over the place.
Tidus: Then we saw a sign that said "USA will kick your butts" or something like that.
Some weird-looking soldiers then pointed their guns at us and sent us here in this prison.
Zidane: Remember that this country that we are now is called Afghanistan, right?
Red XIII: Right. And our main objective is to eliminate a merciless terrorist.
Irvine: I wonder who he is.
(Two US marines who are guarding the prison overhear the conversation and approach them
afterwards.)
Marine A: Hey, you want to beat Osama bin Laden, don't you?
Cait Sith: Who's that?
Marine A: The terrorist you're talking about. The one responsible for destroying the World
Trade Center.
Cloud, Squall, Zidane, Tidus: Ahhh... I know. The two buildings blown up by two airplanes.
Marine B: Correct. So we realize that you're not terrorists at all. Sorry for what we've
done a while ago. We will tell our superior that you're not members of Al-Qaeda or Taliban.
Laguna: Al-Qaeda?
Kiros: Taliban?
Laguna and Kiros: What's that?
Ward: ...
Marine B: Those two pesky grups associated with bin Laden. Anyway, we'll release you all.
Tifa: Whew, what a relief. So we'll be released after all.
Marine A: Especially pretty girls like you who wear sexy costumes.
Tifa: Shut up, you perverts!
Quina: Yeah! No harrass sexy girls!
Marine B: Just wait here, and we'll release you in no time.
(The two marines leave to inform their commander.)
Vivi Jr.: Uh, are those terrorists merciless like Kuja?
Zidane: Yeah, they are. They even use weapons of mass destruction to achieve their evil
goals.
Cloud: Do they use a Mako cannon?
Squall: Do they use missiles?
Tidus: Do they send out mechanical freaks?
Zidane: ...
Rikku: I think Zidane's now Squall. (Chuckles)
Freya: Sounds like a personality exchange.
(The two marines come back.)
Marine A: Now you're free to go! Good luck on your fight!
Marine B: And don't forget to support our comrades!
Yuffie: Where, like, are they?
Marine A: They're everywhere; on land, sea, and air.
Marine B: SCRAM NOW! Or else we'll send you back to jail!
Kimahri: Let's go.
Then the whole group leaves the camp. Feeling some confidence now that they are ready to
face bin Laden, they run in the safe areas of the Tora Bora mountains while dodging bombs
and bullets. They do that for hours, until one of the Vivis faints.
"Vivi V! Do not fall down like an unstable structure!" shouted Steiner.
The whole group then rushes Vivi into a very remote mountain cave. There they use medicinal
items and curing spells on the poor little black mage until he is fully recovered.
"You had us worry much," Lulu said breathingly.
"Yeah, and we are almost blown out by that bomb because of you! Don't be a lousy ass next
time, OK?" Zell added.
"This is a big problem, guys," said Cloud. "With our strange costumes that the marines and
the terrorists won't recognize, we'll be dead meat."
"So how do we get rid o' those guns pointin' at us?" Barret asked.
"I know," Zidane answered. "We'll disguise ourselves."
"Whom will we disguise, mister? Terrorist or counter-terrorist?" Auron asked while pointing
his big sword at Zidane.
"Heard of the Northern Alliance? It's an Afghan anti-Taliban group. Problem is, the Northern
Alliance fighters dress like the Taliban and Al-Qaeda fighters."
"So how do we get those costumes?"
"We'll sneak up those Taliban guys roaming around, snatch their costumes, and wear them.
That's it."
"But how about the girls? The Muslims don't delpoy women into fighting," Rinoa said.
Suddenly a strange being approaches the group while butt-walking.
"Hey! I know you! You're The Red Guy from Cow and Chicken, aren't you?" Squall yelled.
"Hello! Yes, it's me! Want some tips to keep alive from the dangerous Afghan environment?"
said The Red Guy, who is wearing an Arab costume minus the pants.
"Yes. The boys will snatch the Taliban men's costumes and wear them as disguises, but us
girls can't wear any disguises! What's the solution?" Rinoa pleaded.
"Oh, don't you worry, fair ladies. Ever heard of a burqa? If you don't know it, it's a
woman's costume that covers the whole body, except for the eyes."
"Sounds like a perfect disguise," Eiko whispered.
The Red Guy then presents his long line of burqas. The burqas come in different colors and
are made of various materials: cotton, polyester, even nylon. He explains, "All of those
burqas can now be yours for only... (drum roll) one million gil!"
"Gil? We don't have gil, just dollars," Cloud said.
"Let's see... The exchange rate is one dollar is to 94 gil... So you'll pay $10,638.30!"
"Sorry, we don't have enough money," Vincent replied. "We've spent some of them in
riding an airplane from Argentina."
"OK, the price is now $5,319.35; it's 50% off!"
"Hey, you fat-ass guy! Give those damn burqas for free!" Cid shouted.
"......OK. I'm really not running a business here, just a lost foreigner in a remote
country."
Then The Red Guy gives all the burqas to the women. He then says, "Is that all?"
"We think that's it. We're moving out. Bye!" said the whole group to The Red Guy.
Then he whispers, "Do they really have the guts to fight that bearded, diaper-headed guy?
I'm sure that they have..."
A big missile speeds its way to the pantless person. And before he finishes his statement,
the missile explodes. It then turns him into a black statue that will puzzle archeologists
in the future.
After they leave the cave, the group transfers to a ruined house that was formerly a
training camp for Al-Qaeda. Since it was bombed, they consider it to be a safe place for
the ladies to change their costumes.
"Now you boys must stay here outside to guard us. And, I'm saying it again, no peeking!"
Aeris warned.
While the boys lazily stare at the mountains for signs of attacks, the ladies change into
their burqas.
"Hmmm... This burqa thing looks like a gown. It's okay for me," Garnet said.
"But look at me! When I wear this, it's kinda hot inside! Not good for me," Tifa complained.
"That's because you always wear skimpy outfits. You're like a sex symbol in this case,"
Yuna replied.
"What sex symbol? Hey, you summoner, don't call me a prostitute either! I always value
clean living, don't I?"
"Hey, Yunie, I feel the same way Tifa does," Rikku reacted.
"So that counts two sex symbols!" Yuna told the rest of the girls.
"Hey, don't call me a sex symbol, or else, I'll pummel you like no other woman does!"
The rest of the girls join either Yuna or Tifa. Afterwards, they fight each other.
Literally.
As the fight gets longer, the boys notice the house.
"Oh! No fight. Wear burqa now. We late," Quina appealed. (Note: I consider Quina as a "he".
--Author)
"Hey! Aeris said that we musn't peek into the house," Cait Sith said.
"But we must check on the ladies if they wear their burqas already. We are waiting too
long," Steiner said in a level tone.
"...All right. But we'll be liable if we see the ladies barenaked," Laguna responded.
As the boys slowly approach the house, the fighting stops. There they see the ladies...
NAKED! (Or partly. I don't want this story to be rated R. --Author)
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!" the boys shouted as the girls focus their fighting on the boys.
Around the mountains, into the valleys, the girls continually chase the boys; dodging what-
ever outside threat they see. They are almost tired when they bump into a tall, dark
being. He wears a gold-laced white suit and a head turban. He even sports the long, black-
gray beard and the evil, banal smile.
"I-It's O-o-s-sama... b-bin L-l-l-ad-d-en..." the whole group said, trembling.
The fabled, most merciless terrorist who advocates a fake Islamic cause. The one who hates
everything and anything American and Israeli. Facing a band of heroes from four outside
worlds.
Will this impeding battle become the "Fight of the Century", or just a five-second suckfest?
Keep your eyes peeled. And if you want to contribute through your reviews, please do so.
The author will be glad to hear from you. So review now.
(End of chapter)
Chapter Five: Finding the Boss
(Sorry if the update gets late. It's because of school. --Author)
"Yuna, I thought that you're transported into some far place. I really never wanna go to
a place alone since I was sucked to Spira," Tidus said with a sigh of relief.
"That's okay, Tidus, we are still in one piece. Now the two main things that we should worry
are our imprisonment and those people over there whom we didn't know," Yuna replied.
Meanwhile, Cloud, Squall, Zidane, and their buddies worry of another threat: death penalty.
Since they have been imprisoned at least once before, they are used to being in jail.
They introduce themselves, then talk about their fate. Let's hear their conversation.
Cloud: Oh man, this is the second time that I've been in jail.
Zidane: But mind you, my former prison cell was more dangerous. Below the cell it's no
ordinary bubble bath. It's hot lava.
Squall: ...You possibly can't beat me in terms of afflicted torture. I was electrocuted,
you know. (Sighs)
Zidane: Electro-what?
Squall: ...
Zidane: You silent fart.
Quistis: That's because you don't have advanced technology in your world, Zidane. If I get
it right, the most advanced invention there is... (pauses) ...the steam engine.
Zidane: Got it right.
(Tidus and co. overhear the conversation and decides to butt in, but...)
Cid: (Shouts) Hey you @#$% spies, you're overhearing our conversation! Get your ^&*(ing
candy %^&$ outta here!
Tidus: Hey, we're FF characters like you are! So let us in!
Cid: If you said it right, then join the club. What are your names anyway?
Tidus: I'm Tidus, and this is Yuna... (etc., etc.)
Selphie: Come join us! It's fun to talk!
(Tidus and co. join the rest of the group)
Aeris: So, how did you two guys come here last?
Wakka: Well, after we appear in a mountain region, we dodged bombs and gunshots flying all
over the place.
Tidus: Then we saw a sign that said "USA will kick your butts" or something like that.
Some weird-looking soldiers then pointed their guns at us and sent us here in this prison.
Zidane: Remember that this country that we are now is called Afghanistan, right?
Red XIII: Right. And our main objective is to eliminate a merciless terrorist.
Irvine: I wonder who he is.
(Two US marines who are guarding the prison overhear the conversation and approach them
afterwards.)
Marine A: Hey, you want to beat Osama bin Laden, don't you?
Cait Sith: Who's that?
Marine A: The terrorist you're talking about. The one responsible for destroying the World
Trade Center.
Cloud, Squall, Zidane, Tidus: Ahhh... I know. The two buildings blown up by two airplanes.
Marine B: Correct. So we realize that you're not terrorists at all. Sorry for what we've
done a while ago. We will tell our superior that you're not members of Al-Qaeda or Taliban.
Laguna: Al-Qaeda?
Kiros: Taliban?
Laguna and Kiros: What's that?
Ward: ...
Marine B: Those two pesky grups associated with bin Laden. Anyway, we'll release you all.
Tifa: Whew, what a relief. So we'll be released after all.
Marine A: Especially pretty girls like you who wear sexy costumes.
Tifa: Shut up, you perverts!
Quina: Yeah! No harrass sexy girls!
Marine B: Just wait here, and we'll release you in no time.
(The two marines leave to inform their commander.)
Vivi Jr.: Uh, are those terrorists merciless like Kuja?
Zidane: Yeah, they are. They even use weapons of mass destruction to achieve their evil
goals.
Cloud: Do they use a Mako cannon?
Squall: Do they use missiles?
Tidus: Do they send out mechanical freaks?
Zidane: ...
Rikku: I think Zidane's now Squall. (Chuckles)
Freya: Sounds like a personality exchange.
(The two marines come back.)
Marine A: Now you're free to go! Good luck on your fight!
Marine B: And don't forget to support our comrades!
Yuffie: Where, like, are they?
Marine A: They're everywhere; on land, sea, and air.
Marine B: SCRAM NOW! Or else we'll send you back to jail!
Kimahri: Let's go.
Then the whole group leaves the camp. Feeling some confidence now that they are ready to
face bin Laden, they run in the safe areas of the Tora Bora mountains while dodging bombs
and bullets. They do that for hours, until one of the Vivis faints.
"Vivi V! Do not fall down like an unstable structure!" shouted Steiner.
The whole group then rushes Vivi into a very remote mountain cave. There they use medicinal
items and curing spells on the poor little black mage until he is fully recovered.
"You had us worry much," Lulu said breathingly.
"Yeah, and we are almost blown out by that bomb because of you! Don't be a lousy ass next
time, OK?" Zell added.
"This is a big problem, guys," said Cloud. "With our strange costumes that the marines and
the terrorists won't recognize, we'll be dead meat."
"So how do we get rid o' those guns pointin' at us?" Barret asked.
"I know," Zidane answered. "We'll disguise ourselves."
"Whom will we disguise, mister? Terrorist or counter-terrorist?" Auron asked while pointing
his big sword at Zidane.
"Heard of the Northern Alliance? It's an Afghan anti-Taliban group. Problem is, the Northern
Alliance fighters dress like the Taliban and Al-Qaeda fighters."
"So how do we get those costumes?"
"We'll sneak up those Taliban guys roaming around, snatch their costumes, and wear them.
That's it."
"But how about the girls? The Muslims don't delpoy women into fighting," Rinoa said.
Suddenly a strange being approaches the group while butt-walking.
"Hey! I know you! You're The Red Guy from Cow and Chicken, aren't you?" Squall yelled.
"Hello! Yes, it's me! Want some tips to keep alive from the dangerous Afghan environment?"
said The Red Guy, who is wearing an Arab costume minus the pants.
"Yes. The boys will snatch the Taliban men's costumes and wear them as disguises, but us
girls can't wear any disguises! What's the solution?" Rinoa pleaded.
"Oh, don't you worry, fair ladies. Ever heard of a burqa? If you don't know it, it's a
woman's costume that covers the whole body, except for the eyes."
"Sounds like a perfect disguise," Eiko whispered.
The Red Guy then presents his long line of burqas. The burqas come in different colors and
are made of various materials: cotton, polyester, even nylon. He explains, "All of those
burqas can now be yours for only... (drum roll) one million gil!"
"Gil? We don't have gil, just dollars," Cloud said.
"Let's see... The exchange rate is one dollar is to 94 gil... So you'll pay $10,638.30!"
"Sorry, we don't have enough money," Vincent replied. "We've spent some of them in
riding an airplane from Argentina."
"OK, the price is now $5,319.35; it's 50% off!"
"Hey, you fat-ass guy! Give those damn burqas for free!" Cid shouted.
"......OK. I'm really not running a business here, just a lost foreigner in a remote
country."
Then The Red Guy gives all the burqas to the women. He then says, "Is that all?"
"We think that's it. We're moving out. Bye!" said the whole group to The Red Guy.
Then he whispers, "Do they really have the guts to fight that bearded, diaper-headed guy?
I'm sure that they have..."
A big missile speeds its way to the pantless person. And before he finishes his statement,
the missile explodes. It then turns him into a black statue that will puzzle archeologists
in the future.
After they leave the cave, the group transfers to a ruined house that was formerly a
training camp for Al-Qaeda. Since it was bombed, they consider it to be a safe place for
the ladies to change their costumes.
"Now you boys must stay here outside to guard us. And, I'm saying it again, no peeking!"
Aeris warned.
While the boys lazily stare at the mountains for signs of attacks, the ladies change into
their burqas.
"Hmmm... This burqa thing looks like a gown. It's okay for me," Garnet said.
"But look at me! When I wear this, it's kinda hot inside! Not good for me," Tifa complained.
"That's because you always wear skimpy outfits. You're like a sex symbol in this case,"
Yuna replied.
"What sex symbol? Hey, you summoner, don't call me a prostitute either! I always value
clean living, don't I?"
"Hey, Yunie, I feel the same way Tifa does," Rikku reacted.
"So that counts two sex symbols!" Yuna told the rest of the girls.
"Hey, don't call me a sex symbol, or else, I'll pummel you like no other woman does!"
The rest of the girls join either Yuna or Tifa. Afterwards, they fight each other.
Literally.
As the fight gets longer, the boys notice the house.
"Oh! No fight. Wear burqa now. We late," Quina appealed. (Note: I consider Quina as a "he".
--Author)
"Hey! Aeris said that we musn't peek into the house," Cait Sith said.
"But we must check on the ladies if they wear their burqas already. We are waiting too
long," Steiner said in a level tone.
"...All right. But we'll be liable if we see the ladies barenaked," Laguna responded.
As the boys slowly approach the house, the fighting stops. There they see the ladies...
NAKED! (Or partly. I don't want this story to be rated R. --Author)
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!" the boys shouted as the girls focus their fighting on the boys.
Around the mountains, into the valleys, the girls continually chase the boys; dodging what-
ever outside threat they see. They are almost tired when they bump into a tall, dark
being. He wears a gold-laced white suit and a head turban. He even sports the long, black-
gray beard and the evil, banal smile.
"I-It's O-o-s-sama... b-bin L-l-l-ad-d-en..." the whole group said, trembling.
The fabled, most merciless terrorist who advocates a fake Islamic cause. The one who hates
everything and anything American and Israeli. Facing a band of heroes from four outside
worlds.
Will this impeding battle become the "Fight of the Century", or just a five-second suckfest?
Keep your eyes peeled. And if you want to contribute through your reviews, please do so.
The author will be glad to hear from you. So review now.
(End of chapter)
