The Most Ominous Threat: Osama bin Laden
Chapter Eight: The Ultimate Battle (Part 3)
(start of commercial break)
(Note: Most of the following commercials are spoofs of Philippine TV shows and commercials.
Please bear with us. Thanks.)
Young Girl: In our house, we have six toothpastes. But for the toothbrush, there's only one!
My toothbrush!
Announcer: For stronger teeth everytime you brush...
Young Girl: My toothbrush!
***
A man calls his maid, Inday (pronounced as in-DAI), on the phone.
Man: Inday, my car was crashed! I'm broke! I need cash! Get the money from the drawer!
Inday: Are you really Sir?
Man: Yes, it's me, Sir!
Inday: Dammit! The real Sir calls me "CUPCAKE!" And because of the PLTD Callboy ID,
8334000's your number! I'll tell the police and they'll arrest you! (slams the handset down)
Announcer: Secure your family with the PLTD Callboy ID.
***
Can't get enough of chocobos and moogles? Then own those cute little stuffed toys for only...
(drum roll)... $2,499.97! A complete set! Sponsored by the Franklin Mint in cooperation with
the Sorceress Association of Ultimecia Castle.
***
An intensified court scene happens.
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?
Suspect: ...(struggles)
Court Spectator A: Looks like he's guilty!
Court Spectator B: Of what?
Court Spectator A: He's guilty of diarrhea!
Judge: Say something!
Witness's Client: Say it!
Victim's Client: Say it!
The people in the court chant the same thing.
Announcer: Have nothing to say because of diarrhea? Take Paulymagna.
Judge: (smashes his hammer) Order in the court!
Suspect: (stands, farts loudly and s*** comes out flowing later) AAAAAAAAAA! (gets out of
his stand)
The people approach the suspect but later turn away fom him.
Bailiff: Yuck! What's that?
Witness: He made the poop fly in this court, your honor.
Judge: I hereby accuse the suspect of diarrhea. Punishment: Reclusion perpetua in the toilet!
Guards, take him away.
Guard A: We can't, your honor. He stinks.
Guard B: Let's get outta here!
And there is so much commotion in the stampede that happened afterwards.
Announcer: Paulymagna. The anti-diarrheal. Don't be guilty. Cow Crap is the generic name for
Paulymagna. If symptoms persist, insult your doctor.
***
Next Show: Dexter's Final Fantasy: Mandark and Jenova's Revenge! Only here on FanFiction.Net!
Prices subject to availability. Offer good while supplies last.
***
Do those curses and bad gossip bother your everyday life? Then use this: Shaddap Anti-Noise
Spray! It's like casting Silence on your worst enemy! Available only for $499.95! Made
exclusively by Luca Blight and Co. and distributed by The New MagiTek-Shinra Products Inc.
***
Mission: Ek
Erwin Turbo: Our hidden cameras reveal the reason why hotdogs are always scarce at Balamb
Garden's cafeteria. Some corrupt Garden official sumggled those hotdogs to three persons named
Ed, Edd and Eddy. So Headmaster Cid Kramer and Zell Dincht, take notice! More of that in Mission:
Ek. Today at 5:30 p.m. only on ABN-CBS.
***
(Song played in background: Talk and talk is not just talk, talk and talk... ah, whatever.)
A man in a restaurant slurps his soup when he sees someone holding a Bokia 6910 cellphone.
Since he wants to get that model for himself, he just dumps his current cellphone in his
soup. The other people inside do the same. Later, the man and the others (except a waiter)
leave the restaurant. The waiter then grabs his chance to eat the soups since he's terribly
hungry. But, he doesn't know that the "dumped" cellphones in the soups are eaten whole!
After an hour, he feels something in his anus. He immediately goes to the CR and defecates.
There, he is surprised to see the cellphones in the toilet bowl! He shouts: YOU !@#$%%^&&**)
(*##$%&^**(*^$#!@ING CUSTOMERS!!!!!
Bokia. Disconnecting People.
(end of commercial break)
***
Brad: And now we're back to the ultimate fight against Osama bin Laden!
Chrischi: Righto, buddy!
Destined-Warrior: We really have a capacity crowd here! US and British troops, Northern Alliance
fighters, Afghan refugees, rooftop viewers... oh, what the heck. I just watched "I Want To Be
Your Canary"! You name it, all of them are here in the Tora Bora mountains!
Chrischi: Will these 35-odd heroes defeat such a powerful terrorist that even Dragon Ball
super villains just have to shrink in fear?
Brad: This fight's unpredictable, dudes! Bin Laden's a crafty strategist. He'll do anything,
by hook or by crook, just to get the "Muslim" cause.
Destined-Warrior: So without further ado, let's start the bout!
Referee Mills Lane comes to the center of the arena.
Mills Lane: OK, fighters, I want a good clean fight. That's simple.
bin Laden: What are you saying, American! Get your butt outta here! (Punches Mr. Lane with
4323 damage.)
Mills Lane: Arrgh... Let's get it on! (Leaves battle arena)
Bell rings.
Cloud rushes to bin Laden. He whacks his sword, only to be missed many times by bin Laden.
Cloud: You're trying to dodge me, eh?
bin Laden: Ha ha ha! Your sword's no match for mine!
bin Laden brings out the Star Dragon Sword he stole from Viktor (Suikoden 1 and 2), then uses
it to hack Cloud away. Total damage inflicted to Cloud: 9876.
Cloud: Ahhhhhh....(faints)
Aeris: Cloud! No! (Approaches bin Laden) You bad beard, taste this!
Aeris puts herself in Limit Break mode by using... George W. Bush's "We Will Not Fail"
statement recorded in her MP3 player! And to Cloud's surprise, she performs the Omnislash
on bin Laden, causing over 76,000 points of damage. Bin Laden's current HP: 9924000.
bin Laden: Huh?! This can't be! A girl like you doesn't do a devastating move!
Rikku: Now it's time to steal all stuff from him! (rushes stealthily)
Zidane: I think there's no other way... (follows Rikku)
Rikku and Zidane try to steal from bin Laden. They search every nook and cranny of him, but
he notices them and does a psychokinetic attack similar to Garland's or Nakago's (Fushigi
Yuugi). Both Rikku and Zidane suffer only 4357 damage each due to their ultimate armor.
Zidane: You try to beat the King of Alexandria, ha?
bin Laden: Alexandria? In Egypt? Hosni Mubarak doesn't know that!
Zidane: You fool, the Alexandria that I rule belongs to planet Gaia!
bin Laden: Gaia? I dunno that too!
Zidane: Dammit... Here's something for you, diaper-head! Lucky Seven!
And because Zidane has low luck, he did only 1 damage. Bin Laden's current HP: 9923999.
bin Laden: You call this an attack? My attack's better!
Bin Laden performs Ultra Charge and acquires Zeromus's moves. He then casts Big Bang on
Garnet, the Vivis, and Steiner; causing them to suffer only 2345 damage. Neither of the
seven die.
Steiner: You scoundrel, you acquired your moves from a lousy final boss! Here is my revenge!
Shock!
Steiner's Shock, as usual, deals 9999 damage to bin Laden. Bin Laden's current HP: 9914000.
bin Laden: ............rrgahh....... Mullah Mohammad Omar [the Taliban leader], take charge!
(leaves arena)
M. M. Omar: (enters arena) You think the sheik's [bin Laden] the only one you fight? Oh, no,
you don't! 'Cause the Mullah's here to save the day against you filthy allies of America!
Hahahaha!
Eiko: Now's my time to scan him!
Brad: Hey! Hey! Hey! Wait a sec!
Eiko: Why?
Chrischi: We don't have enough time left! See ya in the next chapter!
(game paused)
(end of chapter)
Chapter Eight: The Ultimate Battle (Part 3)
(start of commercial break)
(Note: Most of the following commercials are spoofs of Philippine TV shows and commercials.
Please bear with us. Thanks.)
Young Girl: In our house, we have six toothpastes. But for the toothbrush, there's only one!
My toothbrush!
Announcer: For stronger teeth everytime you brush...
Young Girl: My toothbrush!
***
A man calls his maid, Inday (pronounced as in-DAI), on the phone.
Man: Inday, my car was crashed! I'm broke! I need cash! Get the money from the drawer!
Inday: Are you really Sir?
Man: Yes, it's me, Sir!
Inday: Dammit! The real Sir calls me "CUPCAKE!" And because of the PLTD Callboy ID,
8334000's your number! I'll tell the police and they'll arrest you! (slams the handset down)
Announcer: Secure your family with the PLTD Callboy ID.
***
Can't get enough of chocobos and moogles? Then own those cute little stuffed toys for only...
(drum roll)... $2,499.97! A complete set! Sponsored by the Franklin Mint in cooperation with
the Sorceress Association of Ultimecia Castle.
***
An intensified court scene happens.
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?
Suspect: ...(struggles)
Court Spectator A: Looks like he's guilty!
Court Spectator B: Of what?
Court Spectator A: He's guilty of diarrhea!
Judge: Say something!
Witness's Client: Say it!
Victim's Client: Say it!
The people in the court chant the same thing.
Announcer: Have nothing to say because of diarrhea? Take Paulymagna.
Judge: (smashes his hammer) Order in the court!
Suspect: (stands, farts loudly and s*** comes out flowing later) AAAAAAAAAA! (gets out of
his stand)
The people approach the suspect but later turn away fom him.
Bailiff: Yuck! What's that?
Witness: He made the poop fly in this court, your honor.
Judge: I hereby accuse the suspect of diarrhea. Punishment: Reclusion perpetua in the toilet!
Guards, take him away.
Guard A: We can't, your honor. He stinks.
Guard B: Let's get outta here!
And there is so much commotion in the stampede that happened afterwards.
Announcer: Paulymagna. The anti-diarrheal. Don't be guilty. Cow Crap is the generic name for
Paulymagna. If symptoms persist, insult your doctor.
***
Next Show: Dexter's Final Fantasy: Mandark and Jenova's Revenge! Only here on FanFiction.Net!
Prices subject to availability. Offer good while supplies last.
***
Do those curses and bad gossip bother your everyday life? Then use this: Shaddap Anti-Noise
Spray! It's like casting Silence on your worst enemy! Available only for $499.95! Made
exclusively by Luca Blight and Co. and distributed by The New MagiTek-Shinra Products Inc.
***
Mission: Ek
Erwin Turbo: Our hidden cameras reveal the reason why hotdogs are always scarce at Balamb
Garden's cafeteria. Some corrupt Garden official sumggled those hotdogs to three persons named
Ed, Edd and Eddy. So Headmaster Cid Kramer and Zell Dincht, take notice! More of that in Mission:
Ek. Today at 5:30 p.m. only on ABN-CBS.
***
(Song played in background: Talk and talk is not just talk, talk and talk... ah, whatever.)
A man in a restaurant slurps his soup when he sees someone holding a Bokia 6910 cellphone.
Since he wants to get that model for himself, he just dumps his current cellphone in his
soup. The other people inside do the same. Later, the man and the others (except a waiter)
leave the restaurant. The waiter then grabs his chance to eat the soups since he's terribly
hungry. But, he doesn't know that the "dumped" cellphones in the soups are eaten whole!
After an hour, he feels something in his anus. He immediately goes to the CR and defecates.
There, he is surprised to see the cellphones in the toilet bowl! He shouts: YOU !@#$%%^&&**)
(*##$%&^**(*^$#!@ING CUSTOMERS!!!!!
Bokia. Disconnecting People.
(end of commercial break)
***
Brad: And now we're back to the ultimate fight against Osama bin Laden!
Chrischi: Righto, buddy!
Destined-Warrior: We really have a capacity crowd here! US and British troops, Northern Alliance
fighters, Afghan refugees, rooftop viewers... oh, what the heck. I just watched "I Want To Be
Your Canary"! You name it, all of them are here in the Tora Bora mountains!
Chrischi: Will these 35-odd heroes defeat such a powerful terrorist that even Dragon Ball
super villains just have to shrink in fear?
Brad: This fight's unpredictable, dudes! Bin Laden's a crafty strategist. He'll do anything,
by hook or by crook, just to get the "Muslim" cause.
Destined-Warrior: So without further ado, let's start the bout!
Referee Mills Lane comes to the center of the arena.
Mills Lane: OK, fighters, I want a good clean fight. That's simple.
bin Laden: What are you saying, American! Get your butt outta here! (Punches Mr. Lane with
4323 damage.)
Mills Lane: Arrgh... Let's get it on! (Leaves battle arena)
Bell rings.
Cloud rushes to bin Laden. He whacks his sword, only to be missed many times by bin Laden.
Cloud: You're trying to dodge me, eh?
bin Laden: Ha ha ha! Your sword's no match for mine!
bin Laden brings out the Star Dragon Sword he stole from Viktor (Suikoden 1 and 2), then uses
it to hack Cloud away. Total damage inflicted to Cloud: 9876.
Cloud: Ahhhhhh....(faints)
Aeris: Cloud! No! (Approaches bin Laden) You bad beard, taste this!
Aeris puts herself in Limit Break mode by using... George W. Bush's "We Will Not Fail"
statement recorded in her MP3 player! And to Cloud's surprise, she performs the Omnislash
on bin Laden, causing over 76,000 points of damage. Bin Laden's current HP: 9924000.
bin Laden: Huh?! This can't be! A girl like you doesn't do a devastating move!
Rikku: Now it's time to steal all stuff from him! (rushes stealthily)
Zidane: I think there's no other way... (follows Rikku)
Rikku and Zidane try to steal from bin Laden. They search every nook and cranny of him, but
he notices them and does a psychokinetic attack similar to Garland's or Nakago's (Fushigi
Yuugi). Both Rikku and Zidane suffer only 4357 damage each due to their ultimate armor.
Zidane: You try to beat the King of Alexandria, ha?
bin Laden: Alexandria? In Egypt? Hosni Mubarak doesn't know that!
Zidane: You fool, the Alexandria that I rule belongs to planet Gaia!
bin Laden: Gaia? I dunno that too!
Zidane: Dammit... Here's something for you, diaper-head! Lucky Seven!
And because Zidane has low luck, he did only 1 damage. Bin Laden's current HP: 9923999.
bin Laden: You call this an attack? My attack's better!
Bin Laden performs Ultra Charge and acquires Zeromus's moves. He then casts Big Bang on
Garnet, the Vivis, and Steiner; causing them to suffer only 2345 damage. Neither of the
seven die.
Steiner: You scoundrel, you acquired your moves from a lousy final boss! Here is my revenge!
Shock!
Steiner's Shock, as usual, deals 9999 damage to bin Laden. Bin Laden's current HP: 9914000.
bin Laden: ............rrgahh....... Mullah Mohammad Omar [the Taliban leader], take charge!
(leaves arena)
M. M. Omar: (enters arena) You think the sheik's [bin Laden] the only one you fight? Oh, no,
you don't! 'Cause the Mullah's here to save the day against you filthy allies of America!
Hahahaha!
Eiko: Now's my time to scan him!
Brad: Hey! Hey! Hey! Wait a sec!
Eiko: Why?
Chrischi: We don't have enough time left! See ya in the next chapter!
(game paused)
(end of chapter)
