The Most Ominous Threat: Osama bin Laden
Chapter 10: The Ultimate Battle (Part 5)
(game unpaused)
Brad: We're back to the ultimate fight. Now that the members of the Taliban, al-Qaeda,
and Mullah Muhammad Omar himself are out of the face of the planet, the Final Fantasy
characters now have a big chance to beat Osama bin Laden.
Chrischi: Yes, lots of them are here today, but they must be unified as one big machine
to beat the enemy.
????: And that's where we'll come in.
Destined-Warrior: W-Who are those guys in red jerseys?
????: We're the Shohoku High School basketball team!
Takenori Akagi: With us, you guys are 100% assured of your victory.
Hisashi Mitsui, Miyagi Ryota, Kiminobu Kogure: Just listen to our strategies well and we'll
leave the rest to you.
Hanamichi Sakuragi: Yeah! 'Cause you're under the hands of a true genius! Ha ha ha!
Kaede Rukawa: Stupid.
H. Sakuragi: How many times I've told you not to call me stupid!
K. Rukawa: You're really stupid.
H. Sakuragi: That's it! I'll blow you out!
T. Akagi punches H. Sakuragi.
T. Akagi: Geniuses act serious. (Faces FF characters) Anyway, we came all the way from Japan
and are here in Afghanistan for a stopover. The next plane will arrive in around 5 hours.
While we are killing time here, we have heard that you are fighting Osama bin Laden, so
we decided to lend you a hand.
Cloud: Good thing. Name's Cloud Strife. Nice to meet you.
And the other FF characters introduced themselves to the Shohoku team.
bin Laden: So, those basketball freaks have come to help those damn American allies!
T. Akagi: Grrr! Osama bin Laden! Now you've met your match! ARRRRGGGGHHH!!!!
Desined-Warrior: Look! Akagi's turning into Mojo Jojo!
Chrischi: Why, Akagi's monicker is "Gorilla", so it's natural to be turned into a monkey.
H. Sakuragi: (whispers to himself) So that gorilla's really a gorilla, eh? Now's my chance
to show to the whole world that I'm a genius!
T. Akagi/Mojo Jojo: For years, I've been on the side of evil. But now, I'm fighting for good!
bin Laden: A twist of fate, eh? But still, I'll defeat you and your puny team!
H. Sakuragi: (jumps) Ha! Not so fast!
Haruko Akagi: (comes out of nowhere) Sakuragi!
H. Sakuragi: H-Haruko!? Why did you pop in here?
bin Laden: I'll give you a humiliating foul! (Throws a basketball at H. Sakuragi, dealing
him 1896 damage.)
H. Akagi: No! (Forms a big, invisible barrier that protects Shohoku and the FF characters.)
Brad: I can't believe it! Haruko has powers like these!
bin Laden: That damn barrier! I'll try to break it, no matter what! (Brings out a chainsaw
and tries to saw the barrier.)
T. Akagi/Mojo Jojo: Now that we're safe (at least for a little while), we can discuss the
strategies we'll use to beat bin Laden. Who among you have guns or any other long-range
weapons?
The following raise their hands.
Barret
Vincent
Yuffie
Rinoa
Irvine
Laguna
Garnet
Eiko (NB: she and Garnet have equipped a Tiger Racket individually)
Amarant (NB: can throw weapons)
Wakka
Rikku (NB: can throw grenades)
T. Akagi/Mojo Jojo: Good. You will position there (pointing to his basketball strategy board),
and blast bin Laden with your long-range attacks. And as for the rest of you, just wait for
our signal to attack him at close range. The long-range guys will stop firing, and then all
of you will lure him into an ambush. This way, bin Laden's dead meat. Understood?
All of the FF characters: Yes sir!
T. Akagi/Mojo Jojo: But before we do that, we must...
Brad: Oh no! Bin Laden cut the barrier in half!
bin Laden: Mwa ha ha ha! Now I listened to your flimsy strategy! This strategy's much better!
Bin Laden uses Ultra Charge and acquires Necron's moves.
bin Laden: Now your basketball's fouled out! Neutron Ring!
9999 damage is dealt to the Shohoku team, even Haruko.
T. Akagi/Mojo Jojo: You'll be fouled out next timmmmmeeeeeeee...
H. Sakuragi: Nobody beats a geniuuuuuussssssss...
And the Shohoku team is blasted out of Afghanistan.
bin Laden: Hee hee hee. If I detect anyone assisting you, I'll blast them out with my powers.
Yuna: That's unfair!
Zidane: You really are merciless, especially on people who help!
Unknown Voice A: Then bin Laden, have it your way.
Unknown Voice B: 'Cause all chicken wusses must die!
Unknown Voice C: Evil is not always our middle names.
Unknown Voice D: But your middle name is.
Destined-Warrior: Oh no! Not those four baddies again. Sephiroth, Seifer, Kuja, and Seymour!
Brad: Why in the world did they appear?
Chrischi: Problably some other summoner unknowingly summoned the four right here.
Destined-Warrior and Brad: And who is that guy, wise man?
Chrischi: .......It's Fred Flintstone.
Destined-Warrior and Brad: You fool! (they start to beat up Chrischi)
Cloud: Sephiroth, I thought I defeated you!
Squall: Seifer, why did you return to your insane self?
Zidane: Kuja, did you set up a clone?
Tidus: Seymour, you're here again to take my Yuna?
Sephiroth, Seifer, Kuja, Seymour: I won't answer all of your questions. 'Cause we're here
to blast Osama bin Laden away. That's all.
Red XIII: You are NOT the chosen ones! We are!
Selphie: And who would think that four fools like you will beat a dangerous terrorist?
Sephiroth: Fools? We're not fools.
Kuja: We're simply assigned as villains with powers almost the same as yours.
Seifer: That is what Hironobu Sakaguchi laid down to us.
Seymour: But we're enough of villain roles, and would like you good guys to lend us a hand.
bin Laden: Another set of helping wimps? Then taste this!
Bin Laden performs Ultra Charge and acquires X-Death's moves. He then performs Grand Cross
on the four, but...
Kuja: That a-hole Necron helped you? You're a sissy.
Seymour: We're immune to all of your puny status ailments.
Sephiroth: Now I'll show you who's boss! Quake 3!
Bin Laden suffers 3762 damage. Bin Laden's current HP: 9910238.
Seifer: No Mercy!
Bin Laden suffers 8701 damage. Bin Laden's current HP: 9901537.
Kuja: Flare Star!
Bin Laden suffers 9765 damage. Bin Laden's current HP: 9891772.
Seymour: Firaga, Blizzaga, Waterga, and Thundaga combined!
Bin Laden suffers 4 hits and 29829 damage. Bin Laden's current HP: 9861943.
Meanwhile, the good FF characters watch the scene.
Cloud: (sighs) Will these guys never stop?
Red XIII: Evil cannot be conquered by evil.
Rikku: This is getting really weird.
Quistis: When will they get serious and stop this nonsense?
Quina: I no know. Unless we eat. But where we get yummy-yummies?
Auron: No matter where that weird chef goes, the thoughts inside him are always food, food,
food.
Zidane: Will you stop thinking about food all the time and get down to work?
Aeris: Hey! This is turning into an argument! If we don't stop it, bin Laden will prepare
the graves for us!
Vincent: Yeah, and the commentators over there are fighting too! Yuffie, stop them!
Yuffie: Shyeah, right. (Approaches the commentators) Hey, you guys! Mind your serious
business and stop fighting!
But the commentators keep on fighting.
Yuffie: Duh... This method's the last resort...
Meanwhile, the characters lazily stare at the baddies, who are currently pummeling bin Laden.
Bin Laden's current HP: 5139629.
Laguna: There's no business like monkey business...
Kiros: Yeah, so when will they cease?
On the other hand, Yuffie has brought out something a ninja couldn't think of: a life-size
statue of Stone Cold Steve Austin. Then, using a voice synthesizer...
Yuffie: This is Stone Cold Steve Austin reporting for duty. HEY, YOU FOOLS, QUIT THAT
NONSENSE BRAWLING OR ELSE I'LL OPEN UP A CAN OF WHOOP-ASS, AND THAT'S THE BOTTOM LINE!
Brad: Stone Cold?!
Chrischi: T-the man w-who opens a blow-out w-with c-cans of beer?
Destined-Warrior: Oh, sorry. We didn't mean to argue. Thank you for your kind guidance.
Yuffie: I thank you form the bootom of my heart. And that's the bottom line, 'cause Stone
Cold said so.
Yuffie then backs away from the commentators and returns to the battle arena.
Suddenly...
The baddies take a heavy beating thanks to bin Laden.
Bin Laden: Hey you bad guys, I guess you are not bad enough. Because I am the greatest
bad guy to the eyes of America and Israel. But a good guy to the Arab world. Hee hee hee.
Sephiroth: Y-you got J-Jenova...
Seifer: N-not t-the sorceress c-can b-beat you...
Kuja: You... depended... on... the... crystal...?
Seymour: You... t-transcended... the aeons...
Bin Laden: Now say hello to the deepest abyss! Supernova! (Before that, he used Ultra Charge
and acquired Safer Sephiroth's moves.)
Sephiroth: H-how dare y-you... stole... my...
Sephiroth, Seifer, Kuja, and Seymour each receive 57824 damage, instantly pulverizing them.
All Good FF Characters: NNNNNNOOOOOOO!!!!!!
Bin Laden: No more Mr. Nice Guy. This time, it's serious. Without any people to help you,
you're damn good for a nice... FUNERAL!!! Hahahahahaha!!!!
Bin Laden brings out a big, nasty stun gun.
Brad: Sorry for the incovenience we've made.
Chrischi: This time, we tell you the truth and nothing but the truth!
Destined-Warrior: And now bin Laden's powering up for what he calls...
Bin Laden: The World Trade Center ATTACK!!!
Bin Laden stuns the characters with his stun gun, then calls out some gate magic that warps
them into the WTC during the morning of Sept. 11, 2001. As expected, two airplanes hit
the twin towers, and minutes later, the towers crumble to ashes. And as for the result,
all 37 characters receive 999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999-
99999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999 damage, and die.
Destined-Warrior: No! This can't be!
Chrischi: Is this the end of the fantasies for sure?
Brad: Will some other entity come to help them?
The commentators shed their tears.
Brad, Chrischi, Destined-Warrior: We hope that they rise like phoenixes and continue the fight
anew. While we fervently await for that, let's have a commercial break! Huhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhu!!!
(NOTE: Apologies to Shadowfox the Cyclone. I really didn't mean to threaten you, bud.
It's just that I like FF9 the most. No regrets. So have fun with my story since I'll come up
with the final chapter. May God bless you. --Author)
(game paused)
(end of chapter)
Chapter 10: The Ultimate Battle (Part 5)
(game unpaused)
Brad: We're back to the ultimate fight. Now that the members of the Taliban, al-Qaeda,
and Mullah Muhammad Omar himself are out of the face of the planet, the Final Fantasy
characters now have a big chance to beat Osama bin Laden.
Chrischi: Yes, lots of them are here today, but they must be unified as one big machine
to beat the enemy.
????: And that's where we'll come in.
Destined-Warrior: W-Who are those guys in red jerseys?
????: We're the Shohoku High School basketball team!
Takenori Akagi: With us, you guys are 100% assured of your victory.
Hisashi Mitsui, Miyagi Ryota, Kiminobu Kogure: Just listen to our strategies well and we'll
leave the rest to you.
Hanamichi Sakuragi: Yeah! 'Cause you're under the hands of a true genius! Ha ha ha!
Kaede Rukawa: Stupid.
H. Sakuragi: How many times I've told you not to call me stupid!
K. Rukawa: You're really stupid.
H. Sakuragi: That's it! I'll blow you out!
T. Akagi punches H. Sakuragi.
T. Akagi: Geniuses act serious. (Faces FF characters) Anyway, we came all the way from Japan
and are here in Afghanistan for a stopover. The next plane will arrive in around 5 hours.
While we are killing time here, we have heard that you are fighting Osama bin Laden, so
we decided to lend you a hand.
Cloud: Good thing. Name's Cloud Strife. Nice to meet you.
And the other FF characters introduced themselves to the Shohoku team.
bin Laden: So, those basketball freaks have come to help those damn American allies!
T. Akagi: Grrr! Osama bin Laden! Now you've met your match! ARRRRGGGGHHH!!!!
Desined-Warrior: Look! Akagi's turning into Mojo Jojo!
Chrischi: Why, Akagi's monicker is "Gorilla", so it's natural to be turned into a monkey.
H. Sakuragi: (whispers to himself) So that gorilla's really a gorilla, eh? Now's my chance
to show to the whole world that I'm a genius!
T. Akagi/Mojo Jojo: For years, I've been on the side of evil. But now, I'm fighting for good!
bin Laden: A twist of fate, eh? But still, I'll defeat you and your puny team!
H. Sakuragi: (jumps) Ha! Not so fast!
Haruko Akagi: (comes out of nowhere) Sakuragi!
H. Sakuragi: H-Haruko!? Why did you pop in here?
bin Laden: I'll give you a humiliating foul! (Throws a basketball at H. Sakuragi, dealing
him 1896 damage.)
H. Akagi: No! (Forms a big, invisible barrier that protects Shohoku and the FF characters.)
Brad: I can't believe it! Haruko has powers like these!
bin Laden: That damn barrier! I'll try to break it, no matter what! (Brings out a chainsaw
and tries to saw the barrier.)
T. Akagi/Mojo Jojo: Now that we're safe (at least for a little while), we can discuss the
strategies we'll use to beat bin Laden. Who among you have guns or any other long-range
weapons?
The following raise their hands.
Barret
Vincent
Yuffie
Rinoa
Irvine
Laguna
Garnet
Eiko (NB: she and Garnet have equipped a Tiger Racket individually)
Amarant (NB: can throw weapons)
Wakka
Rikku (NB: can throw grenades)
T. Akagi/Mojo Jojo: Good. You will position there (pointing to his basketball strategy board),
and blast bin Laden with your long-range attacks. And as for the rest of you, just wait for
our signal to attack him at close range. The long-range guys will stop firing, and then all
of you will lure him into an ambush. This way, bin Laden's dead meat. Understood?
All of the FF characters: Yes sir!
T. Akagi/Mojo Jojo: But before we do that, we must...
Brad: Oh no! Bin Laden cut the barrier in half!
bin Laden: Mwa ha ha ha! Now I listened to your flimsy strategy! This strategy's much better!
Bin Laden uses Ultra Charge and acquires Necron's moves.
bin Laden: Now your basketball's fouled out! Neutron Ring!
9999 damage is dealt to the Shohoku team, even Haruko.
T. Akagi/Mojo Jojo: You'll be fouled out next timmmmmeeeeeeee...
H. Sakuragi: Nobody beats a geniuuuuuussssssss...
And the Shohoku team is blasted out of Afghanistan.
bin Laden: Hee hee hee. If I detect anyone assisting you, I'll blast them out with my powers.
Yuna: That's unfair!
Zidane: You really are merciless, especially on people who help!
Unknown Voice A: Then bin Laden, have it your way.
Unknown Voice B: 'Cause all chicken wusses must die!
Unknown Voice C: Evil is not always our middle names.
Unknown Voice D: But your middle name is.
Destined-Warrior: Oh no! Not those four baddies again. Sephiroth, Seifer, Kuja, and Seymour!
Brad: Why in the world did they appear?
Chrischi: Problably some other summoner unknowingly summoned the four right here.
Destined-Warrior and Brad: And who is that guy, wise man?
Chrischi: .......It's Fred Flintstone.
Destined-Warrior and Brad: You fool! (they start to beat up Chrischi)
Cloud: Sephiroth, I thought I defeated you!
Squall: Seifer, why did you return to your insane self?
Zidane: Kuja, did you set up a clone?
Tidus: Seymour, you're here again to take my Yuna?
Sephiroth, Seifer, Kuja, Seymour: I won't answer all of your questions. 'Cause we're here
to blast Osama bin Laden away. That's all.
Red XIII: You are NOT the chosen ones! We are!
Selphie: And who would think that four fools like you will beat a dangerous terrorist?
Sephiroth: Fools? We're not fools.
Kuja: We're simply assigned as villains with powers almost the same as yours.
Seifer: That is what Hironobu Sakaguchi laid down to us.
Seymour: But we're enough of villain roles, and would like you good guys to lend us a hand.
bin Laden: Another set of helping wimps? Then taste this!
Bin Laden performs Ultra Charge and acquires X-Death's moves. He then performs Grand Cross
on the four, but...
Kuja: That a-hole Necron helped you? You're a sissy.
Seymour: We're immune to all of your puny status ailments.
Sephiroth: Now I'll show you who's boss! Quake 3!
Bin Laden suffers 3762 damage. Bin Laden's current HP: 9910238.
Seifer: No Mercy!
Bin Laden suffers 8701 damage. Bin Laden's current HP: 9901537.
Kuja: Flare Star!
Bin Laden suffers 9765 damage. Bin Laden's current HP: 9891772.
Seymour: Firaga, Blizzaga, Waterga, and Thundaga combined!
Bin Laden suffers 4 hits and 29829 damage. Bin Laden's current HP: 9861943.
Meanwhile, the good FF characters watch the scene.
Cloud: (sighs) Will these guys never stop?
Red XIII: Evil cannot be conquered by evil.
Rikku: This is getting really weird.
Quistis: When will they get serious and stop this nonsense?
Quina: I no know. Unless we eat. But where we get yummy-yummies?
Auron: No matter where that weird chef goes, the thoughts inside him are always food, food,
food.
Zidane: Will you stop thinking about food all the time and get down to work?
Aeris: Hey! This is turning into an argument! If we don't stop it, bin Laden will prepare
the graves for us!
Vincent: Yeah, and the commentators over there are fighting too! Yuffie, stop them!
Yuffie: Shyeah, right. (Approaches the commentators) Hey, you guys! Mind your serious
business and stop fighting!
But the commentators keep on fighting.
Yuffie: Duh... This method's the last resort...
Meanwhile, the characters lazily stare at the baddies, who are currently pummeling bin Laden.
Bin Laden's current HP: 5139629.
Laguna: There's no business like monkey business...
Kiros: Yeah, so when will they cease?
On the other hand, Yuffie has brought out something a ninja couldn't think of: a life-size
statue of Stone Cold Steve Austin. Then, using a voice synthesizer...
Yuffie: This is Stone Cold Steve Austin reporting for duty. HEY, YOU FOOLS, QUIT THAT
NONSENSE BRAWLING OR ELSE I'LL OPEN UP A CAN OF WHOOP-ASS, AND THAT'S THE BOTTOM LINE!
Brad: Stone Cold?!
Chrischi: T-the man w-who opens a blow-out w-with c-cans of beer?
Destined-Warrior: Oh, sorry. We didn't mean to argue. Thank you for your kind guidance.
Yuffie: I thank you form the bootom of my heart. And that's the bottom line, 'cause Stone
Cold said so.
Yuffie then backs away from the commentators and returns to the battle arena.
Suddenly...
The baddies take a heavy beating thanks to bin Laden.
Bin Laden: Hey you bad guys, I guess you are not bad enough. Because I am the greatest
bad guy to the eyes of America and Israel. But a good guy to the Arab world. Hee hee hee.
Sephiroth: Y-you got J-Jenova...
Seifer: N-not t-the sorceress c-can b-beat you...
Kuja: You... depended... on... the... crystal...?
Seymour: You... t-transcended... the aeons...
Bin Laden: Now say hello to the deepest abyss! Supernova! (Before that, he used Ultra Charge
and acquired Safer Sephiroth's moves.)
Sephiroth: H-how dare y-you... stole... my...
Sephiroth, Seifer, Kuja, and Seymour each receive 57824 damage, instantly pulverizing them.
All Good FF Characters: NNNNNNOOOOOOO!!!!!!
Bin Laden: No more Mr. Nice Guy. This time, it's serious. Without any people to help you,
you're damn good for a nice... FUNERAL!!! Hahahahahaha!!!!
Bin Laden brings out a big, nasty stun gun.
Brad: Sorry for the incovenience we've made.
Chrischi: This time, we tell you the truth and nothing but the truth!
Destined-Warrior: And now bin Laden's powering up for what he calls...
Bin Laden: The World Trade Center ATTACK!!!
Bin Laden stuns the characters with his stun gun, then calls out some gate magic that warps
them into the WTC during the morning of Sept. 11, 2001. As expected, two airplanes hit
the twin towers, and minutes later, the towers crumble to ashes. And as for the result,
all 37 characters receive 999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999-
99999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999 damage, and die.
Destined-Warrior: No! This can't be!
Chrischi: Is this the end of the fantasies for sure?
Brad: Will some other entity come to help them?
The commentators shed their tears.
Brad, Chrischi, Destined-Warrior: We hope that they rise like phoenixes and continue the fight
anew. While we fervently await for that, let's have a commercial break! Huhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhu!!!
(NOTE: Apologies to Shadowfox the Cyclone. I really didn't mean to threaten you, bud.
It's just that I like FF9 the most. No regrets. So have fun with my story since I'll come up
with the final chapter. May God bless you. --Author)
(game paused)
(end of chapter)
