A/N: ARGH! After all this time, I completely ignored one very important fact. Athena, my first reviewer, was never once mentioned or thanked! So, a big THANKEE-SAI to Athena for reviewing! One never forgets the first review, and I apologize for not doing so earlier. Also, the non-existent pom-pom pillow threat cheered me up… ^-^
Disclaimer: As always… I don't own FF9 or it's chars… I DO own Kurone though! ^-^ (Celebrates)
Now, on with the fic!
We last left our heroes on a journey to the Ice Cavern! After barely escaping the dangers of Evil… er… Death Forest, they meet up with our other heroes (and heroine) of Final Fantasy Nine! I wonder what'll happen today? ^-^
Flashback
The light that allowed the Master of the Forest to live was now cut, turning the majestic Venus flytrap into stone. Luckily, he dropped poor Kuja before he got petrified… ^-^
Voice: This isn't natural! It's like the whole forest is coming after us!
Zidane, Steiner (carrying Garnet), and Blank ran into the scene.
Zidane: It looks like we're safe here.
Steiner: I hope so; we need to find Master Vivi!
Kuja: Sigh... Why do I get the odd feeling that Blank wasn't supposed to make it out of the forest?
Blank: He-he…^-^;
Vivi: WOOOOOOOOOOOO! I GOT A FREE CHOCOBO!!!! I'M NAMING IT AFTER MY FRIEND BOB!
Fang: KWEH!
All: …O_O…
Moguo: Damn it! My pom-pom's petrified!!!
Steiner: Okay then… We're going back to Alexandria, Princess!
Garnet: …No. No we're not.
Steiner: WHAT? O_O!!! But we must! Her Majesty must be so worried!
Brahne: It's official! Kegger in the castle!
Zorn, Thorn, and Beatrix: Kickass! ^-^ (Celebrating)
Garnet: So, it's settled. We're going to the Ice Cavern, and (Turns to Vivi and Kuja) you guys are joining us?
Garnet: (Muttering) I am so screwed…
The Grand Adventures of Vivi and Kuja
Kuja: (Tired) Damn… I hate Fangs…
S.S. Prozac: KWEH! ^-^
Kurone: (IM) Agh… I wasn't meant for high speeds… @_@
Vivi: WOOOOOOOOO! WE MADE IT!!!!!!!!!!! ^-^ (Kawaii music plays)
Welcome to the Ice Cavern!Kuja: Where are all these signs coming from?!
Garnet: It seems beautiful!
Steiner: We might as well enter.
Zidane: Sounds good! ^-^
The group entered the Ice Cavern, knowing all the dangers and risks of the cold wasteland. They would face the dropping temperature and biting winds, they would face the hideous beasts within, and they would fight to the bitter end! But the Cavern had much in store for our heroes (and heroine). Travelers and warriors from the past have come here, and none have ever come back out! What could have stopped them so? What unstoppable force sealed their fates?
Blank: I'M FREEZING!!!
Zidane: (Shivering as well) It's c-c-cold!
Vivi: I'LL HELP! FIRE!
The spell reached Zidane… And he was promptly incinerated. ^-^
Zidane: AIYEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!! ITAI!!!!!! O_O!!!!!!!
Kuja: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!! ^-^
Others: -_O
POOF!
Cave Imp: (Staring at Zidane) The hell?
Zidane: DON'T JUST STAND THERE! HELP ME!!!!!!
The Cave Imp sweatdropped and nodded nervously, hopping from one foot to the next. Almost immediately, he was blown up by freakishly powerful looking spell.
Kuja: (Glaring at all) Help him and you die.
Others: (Sweatdrop) …
After a long, long hour of watching Zidane burn, Kuja finally gave Zidane a break… And then continued to laugh at his misfortune.
Vivi: …You're finding this funny as hell, aren't you?
Kuja: I may be in the current state of and still be in great danger, but anything's worth to see Zidane catching fire. ^-^
Zidane finally was able to stop the magical flames. He looked like a pile of blackened cinders in the snow backdrop…
Zidane: -_- (Twitch)
Steiner: The scoundrel deserved it anyway… Excellent work, Master Vivi! But, uh, tell me… How did that Cave Imp just appear…?
Vivi: 'Sa random encounter! ^-^ (Kawaii music plays)
Steiner and Garnet: Eh?
Blank: Dude, where've you been? We'll show you!
Immediately, a blue light with the words ATE appears.
Kuja: O_O!
Teach Me, Blank and Vivi! – Part 1(Qu's Marsh music plays)
Moogle (Argh, forgot his name!): What're you going to teach me today, bro?
Mogster is dressed as a small gladiator.
Mogster: I-I'm not too sure myself, kupo…
Vivi (riding the S.S. Prozac) and Blank walk in the scene. Garnet, Zidane, Steiner, and Kuja follow.
Kuja: …Is that moogle dressed like a gladiator?
Vivi: Yes… We're entitled to use moogles for educational purposes, but anytime they have the possibility of injury/death, they must first sign a waiver.
Garnet: How does the gladiator outfit fit with that?
Blank: It makes the whole experience cuter. ^-^
Mogster: K-kupo?! (To Vivi) But you said that I was signing a confirmation for a lifetime supply of Kupo Nuts!
Zidane: Gullible little bastard, aren't you? ^-^
Vivi: Actually, you get the Kupo Nuts. They're your salary. You're some of the comic relief. ^-^ (Kawaii music plays)
Mogster: Comic relief, kupo…? O_O;
Blank: (Ignoring this) Anyway, today, you are going to learn about one of the most important things of RPG… The Random Encounter!
Vivi: One of the first things you learn about RPG is that you must face random encounters. These involve evil monsters you continually must fight to the death by means of the (Kawaii fanfare) RPG battle system!
Blank: First of all, one must encounter said monster!
POOF!
An Armodullahan rolled in. The Final Fantasy battle music began to play.
Armodullahan: ROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAR!
Mogster: (Eyes widening) …KUPOPO!!!!!!!! O_O!!!!
Garnet, Zidane, and Steiner: (Sweatdrop) …
Mogster frantically tried to flee, but all he seemed to be doing was running in place with his back turned to the monster.
Vivi: Silly moogle! A regular flee won't help you! ^-^ (Kawaii music plays) The probability of it is less than zero!
Blank: Now, we have taken the liberty of getting the stats for you!
Armodullahan LV: 30HP: 720/720
MP: 4620/4620
Mogster LV: 1HP: 20/20
MP: 3/3
Steiner: Um, isn't Mogster at an obvious disadvantage?
Zidane: Yeah, it's not really fair…
S.S. Prozac, Vivi and Blank: (Glare) NONSENSE! (KWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEH!)
Others: …eep…
Vivi: Now, one must attack the monster with an attack.
A glowing blue menu appeared. The words "Attack" flared brightly as the S.S. Prozac pressed a floating X. Responding to the selection, Mogster flew forward and tried to ram the Armodullahan. Instead, the monster sidestepped, and Mogster was teleported back to his starting position.
Blank: Uh-oh! It seems that the Armodullahan has evaded Mogster's attack! ^-^
Mogster: I'll just attack again! (Doesn't move) H-hey!
Vivi: (Laughs) Silly moogle! You have to wait your turn! ^-^ (Kawaii music plays)
Mogster: WAIT? But this is a fight to the death! (Glare)
Vivi: The Armodullahan waited his turn… Now you have to wait! ^-^ (Kawaii music plays)
Kuja: (Sweatdrop) This is insane…
Blank: This is RPG! ^-^ Now, Mr. Armodullahan?
Armodullahan: ROOOOOOOOAR!
And he cast Death on Mogster. As always, when the enemy casts Death on you, you automatically die, no questions asked. (But never the other way around! Damn!)
Mogster: X_X
The Armodullahan roared in victory.
Kurone: (IM) That was… Interesting…
Vivi: Now, let's get another scenario.
Choco: KWEH!
And everyone's favorite FF9 Chocobo, besides Bobby Corwin, dramatically ran onto the scene, dressed in gladiator outfit. Immediately, the Final Fantasy music came to a halt, and the Gladiator music began to play.
Vivi: Blank? ^-^ (Kawaii music plays)
Blank: Our stats! ^-^
ArmodullahanLV: 30
HP: 720/720
MP: 4260/4260
ChocoLV: 80
HP: 18,945/18,945
MP: 7964/7964
S.S. Prozac: K-KWEEEEEH!
Choco: (Battle Cry) KWEKWEEEEEEEEH!!!!!
S.S. Prozac: …o_o…
All: …
Blank: Sic 'em, Choco! ^-^
The menu popped up again, and this time the words "Seiken" flared. S.S. Prozac selected it and chose the attack "Stock Break." The Chocobo flashed an evil grin (well, the Chocobo equivalent) and glowed a bright blue.
Zidane: Kickass special effects!
Vivi: I know. ^-^ (Kawaii music plays)
Steiner: Eh? Why does this seem oddly familiar?
Zidane: Every time I know a Stock Break is taking place, why do I associate it with pain…?
Meanwhile, in Alexandria…
Brahne: Woo… Man, what a party…
Zorn: We need to do it again.
Thorn: No money to do it though…
Beatrix: (Twitch) Whoa!
The others turned.
Beatrix: It happens whenever someone uses a Seiken attack like Stock Break for the sheer purpose of taunting the enemy to show how kickass and cool one is, therefore leading to multiple confrontations with the heroes continuously losing AND ultimately leading to rebellion from the evil monarchy only to join the heroes and lose most of their strength in the process. Hey… That's not such a bad idea! ^-^
Brahne: What the hell are you talking about?
Beatrix: Anyway, what about money for another party? ^-^
Zorn: You could raise taxes!
Thorn: Raise taxes you could!
Brahne: Good idea! But, I have the strange feeling that we have heroes coming to successfully foil my plans… The kegger will have to wait! Send out Black Waltz One!
POOF!
The Black Waltz collapsed in front of the queen with a yelp.
BW One: (Thump) ITAI! O_O!!!!
Brahne: GO! Inhabit the Ice Cavern, confront a genome, and DIE! ^-^
BW One: WHAT?!
Brahne: Zorn, Thorn!
Zorn: Yes?
Thorn: Yes?
Both: My queen?
Brahne: Go… Uh, do something sneaky and evil, yet become comic relief and annoying ass characters that people love anyway!
Both: (Sweatdrop) …Right…
Brahne: Beatrix!
Beatrix: Hmm?
Brahne: Become yet another annoying ass character that continues to beat the heroes until I finally show how evil I am! Then, go join them and become pathetically weak! All of you have your instructions, go!
All: Right!
Back in Qu's Marsh…
Vivi: @_@ That was brutal…
Garnet: You can say that again…
Vivi: @_@ That was brutal…
Choco: Kweh!
Armodullahan: X_X
Mogster: X_X
Moogle: X_X
S.S. Prozac: X_X
Blank: And Choco wins!
Choco: ^-^
The Final Fantasy victory music played, and the Chocobo was showered in Gil/Cards/Potions/Ores/Phoenix Downs. The Chocobo collected it all and walked away.
Vivi: So, let's review. If you lose, you make the player frustrated and the game ends, ultimately sealing the fates of the people you were trying to save. But if you win, you get prizes, a short victory song, and a frustrated villain who sends out something stronger!
Steiner: That's not very good…
Kuja: That's a lose-lose situation!
Vivi: Well life can really suck sometimes, can't it? ^-^ (Kawaii music plays)
Zidane: (Ignoring this) So, now what are we doing?
Blank: Well, back to the cavern of course! ^-^
Everything faded to black, and they were back in the Ice Cavern.
Garnet: (Shivering) I prefer the Marsh now…
Steiner: Don't we all?
S.S. Prozac: Kweh…
They continued walking until they reached a giant block of ice.
Garnet: O_O!!!! AHHHHHHHHHH!
Blank: WHAT? (Stares at Garnet) What is it?
Garnet: There's a… Moogle in the ice…
Steiner: (Stare) You-You're right!
Zidane: Is that cool or what? ^-^
All: (Glare)
Zidane: Oh… Yes, then… Uh, Vivi, shouldn't you defrost the moogle for us?
Kuja: Yes, I don't see how you could possibly mess that up…
Vivi: FIRE!
As the moogle became free, our group soon found out that the Fire spell was a bit too much…
Monty: (On fire) I'M ON FIRE!!!! (Glares at them all) You bastards!
All: O_O!
Vivi: Grr…
Kurone: (IM) Grr…
And, for the second time, Kurone came through! ^-^
Zidane and Blank: O_O! …Eep…
Kuja: …Eh?
Steiner and Garnet: …
Vivi: (IM) You can DO it! ^-^ (Kawaii music plays)
Kurone: No moogle calls me a bastard…!
And with Kurone's kickass double scythe moves, he promptly attacked the moogle. No damage was actually done, but Monty had the living shit scared out of him. The Black Waltz held a scythe blade close to the moogle's… pom-pom? ^-^
Kurone: Now, let's rephrase our last statement…
Monty: K-kupo… You saved me! Thanks, kupo! ^-^;
Kurone: Good… (Swallows Prozac)
Vivi: I'M BAAAAAAAAAACK! ^-^ (Kawaii music plays)
S.S. Prozac: KWEH! ^-^
Kuja: Damn!
Monty: So, kupo… Will you rest here?
Garnet: We could use the rest.
Almost immediately, a tent appeared…
All: ZZZZZZZZZ…
…And left suspiciously fast.
All: (Refreshed sounding) Ah…
Kuja: Did anyone else feel that was rather quick?
Steiner: Yes, it felt, sadly enough, like a transition to a picture of a tent with calm music, computerized filling of HP/MP, and back to our regular adventure…
Garnet: Computer? HP? MP? …What?
Steiner: Er… Never mind. ^-^
Blank: It's time to move on.
Zidane: Wait, wait a sec… Vivi? Didn't you just go from kawaii mage to badass waltz and scare the living shit out of Monty?
Vivi: (Innocent-looking) Huh? What're you talking about? ^-^ (Kawaii music plays)
Monty: (Scared) K-kupo… Why don't you all do face the evil Black Waltz now?
Kuja: How the hell do you know about the Black Waltzes? Are you plotting our deaths or something?!
Monty: KUPO! O_O! Of course not!
Steiner: Really?
Monty: Yes.
Blank: I believe him. Let's go! ^-^
Our heroes (and heroine) walk off to face the Black Waltz. Immediately, the Black Waltz appeared.
BW One: So, you have my monster?
Monty: (Evil grin) Ah yes, Sealion is ready at last… He will surely grant you victory over those pathetic heroes.
BW One: Excellent…
Monty: Torment the moogles, eh? We'll see… We'll see… MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!
BW One: (Sweatdrop) …
Vivi: (Walking back) Hey, Monty-?
Monty: HAHAHAHAHA- …Eep…
BW One: This, uh, isn't what it seems.
Vivi: I seriously doubt that. I know you're lying. ^-^ (Kawaii music plays) Anyway, we all are kind of lost… So, which way is it to your lair again?
BW One: Uh… Turn right at the last fork in the path…
Vivi: Great. THANKEE-SAI!!!!!!! ^-^ (Kawaii music plays)
The mage walked off.
Monty: …Yes well… -HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!
Sealion: ROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOG!
BW One: Right… Come, Sealion.
Sealion: ROG! ^-^
Will our heroes (and heroine) make it to the lair? Will Black Waltz No. One and Sealion defeat them? Will they escape? And what the hell is wrong with these moogles?
BW One: Hey-ho… Let's go!
Sealion: ROOOOOOOOOG! ^-^
Vivi: Was that moogle laughing evilly? …
Garnet: Sigh…
S.S. Prozac: KWWWWWWWEH!
Monty: MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA- Ah, never mind… -_O
Come on, you know the drill… Did you like it, hate it, or really didn't care? Do you hear that line every time an author asks you to review? Do you want me to stop asking questions? Then review and I'll stop… All flames are used to make my Cow a flaming pasture, so don't send 'em if you don't want your precious flame trampled and electrocuted.
Cow: Moo. ^-^
See ya! ^-^
