A/N: I died and came back. Excuse said and done. Shoot the muse and get a prize. He deserves it for leaving me in the dust, but don't worry, I still love him anyway!

Disclaimer: I don't own FF9. (Calmly kicks disclaimer)

Now, on with the fic!

We last left our heroes in the Ice Cavern, and it doesn't seem so pleasant for them at all…

Flashback

Steiner: Master Vivi said something about going to a court hearing…

Judge Garland: (Sweatdrop) So you're telling me that this moogle is suing you because he signed a waiver, stating the possibility of injury/death during a battle with an Armodullahan.

Vivi: WE'RE GONNA FLEE FROM COURT AND BECOME MAJOR FELONS! ^-^ (Kawaii music plays)

Black Waltz No. One (BW1): I can't believe I'm dying so the Queen can have another kegger party…

Zidane: Now, this doesn't help at all… How're we going to get Rusty and the Princess out of the Cavern? The guy must weigh a ton! But I wouldn't mind carrying Garnet… ^-^

Kuja: A COW?!

Cow: Moo. ^-^ (Angelic music plays)

And as dramatically as she came, the Cow took Black Waltz No. One and Sealion, flying out of the cavern, far, far, away in the distance! And something came flying straight back…

Vivi: (Looking at the Ice Cavern) Uh-oh… FIRE IN THE HULL! HIT THE DECK AND BRACE FOR IMPACT!

Kurone: (IM) AIYEEEEEE!

And as the ice came tumbling down upon our heroes (and heroine) all went black…

The Grand Adventures of Vivi and Kuja

Kuja: Huh? Where the hell am I?

Ah, and good reason to say such! For Kuja was no longer buried underneath tons of snow and ice, but floating in a hallway!

Godly Voice: Kuja…

Kuja: O_O…

Godly Voice: Though you have done great evils in Final Fantasy Nine, I have seen you have suffered the wrath of that mage child for the past while… You have proven yourself, and I pity you, so you now have the opportunity to live in happiness in my realm…

Kuja: …No Vivi?

Godly Voice: No Vivi. Just come to the light…

Kuja: ALL RIGHT! ^-^ (Charges for the light)

Meanwhile, back in the Ice Cavern…

Blank: (Coughing up snow) Oy, this is not my day… Everyone alive?

Zidane: I'm alive! ^-^ (Dances merrily)

Garnet: (Sweatdrops at Zidane) You know, I'm starting to wonder why I left the castle in the first place…

Steiner: (Half buried) PRINCESS!!! Are you hurt? Princess? PRINCESS!

Garnet: Oh, right… Reason number five through seventeen… (Glares at Steiner)

Blank: Uh-oh.

All: Huh?

Vivi, Kuja, and S.S. Prozac remained unmoving in the snow…

Blank: I can't get a pulse from either of them, and they're not breathing!

Zidane: (Looking down sadly) You know what this means.

Garnet: No more Prozac using, kawaii music playing, staff wielding, black mage?

Steiner: Three of the more popular characters no longer exist?

Zidane: Hell no! Title change! The Grand Adventures of Zidane and Garnet!

Garnet: (Bashes Zidane into the ground) How can you be so insensitive when three of our party members are dead?!

Vivi: Kuja…

As our black mage slowly got up, everybody notices that there's something different about him…

Blank: Are his eyes supposed to be glowing red like that?

Zidane: Only when he's turning into Kurone… That means he's really pissed!

Vivi: Kuja's going to another realm… For the sake of the plot, I cannot let this happen! ^-^ (Kawaii music plays)

And as Vivi finished his heroic (but short) speech, he dramatically transformed into Kurone and disappeared from view!

Steiner: Shouldn't we go after Master Vivi?

Garnet: Would you want to get in Kurone's way?

Steiner: …Does anybody play Tetra Master around here?

Zidane: Ooh! Me!

And back in the hallway…

Kuja: Jeez, the light takes forever to get to…

Godly Voice: Just keep running. You're almost there…

Kurone: KUJA!

Kuja: Oh no… NO! (Runs faster)

Kurone: You forget… I'm more powerful than Vivi. (Casts Stop Spell)

Kuja: (Twitch) Can't… Move…

Godly Voice: Blasted mage child… YOU WILL DIE!

And the warm, inviting white light Kuja originally was heading for turned blood red. Without a second thought, Kurone dashed bravely through the light with his double scythe… And got thrown back out in record time.

Kurone: Grr… (Begins to flare with energy)

Kuja: (Breaks out of his Stop Spell)

Once again, the black mage (turned Waltz) goes under transformation! Dark energy surrounds him in the form of a sphere (think Demi spell) and a deep resonating voice comes from deep in its core…

Kurone: BEHOLD THE POWER OF TRUE DARKNESS!

Kuja: (Steps back) Oh shit…

The dark sphere transformed into a black twister, and two glowing red eyes blazed as the energy dissipated. The form that used to be an innocent black mage was now this! Now he was a being so powerful that all who saw him would bow! Kurone was now a… A…

Kuja: …A longhaired prettyboy. -_-; (Bashes head against wall)

Yes, Kurone had indeed transformed from black mage to black waltz to badass bishounen! He stood determined as a convenient wind blew his long black hair and silver feathered wings in a regal fashion. He extended his (glowing) double scythe and frowned darkly.

Kurone: (Eyes glowing red) Ask not for whom the bell tolls… For it tolls for you!

And Kurone dramatically rushed into the light, leaving a trail of energy behind him!

Kuja: (Walks away from the light) If you can't get to a realm of eternal happiness, you might as well go for the realm of eternal wealth. Better get back and start heading for Naeri. (Jumps through portal)

Meanwhile, in S.S. Prozac's dreams…

S.S. Prozac: (Thrown back and forth through space) Kweh…

The Fang lands on a planet, where he walks along until he's right side up again. Before him is a pair of stairs, Two Chocobos of varying colors on each side, and one extremely huge Chocobo resting on the other end of the stairway.

Fat Chocobo: You are one step closer to your homela- (Double takes) WHAT THE HELL?!

S.S. Prozac: KWEH! ^-^

Fat Chocobo: Look, furry one… I don't know who you are, or how you got here, but I can't give you an upgrade if you're not a Chocobo!

S.S. Prozac: (Angry) KWEH KWEEEH!

Fat Chocobo: I don't care if you near killed yourself to get here!

S.S. Prozac: (Closes his eyes and chants a spell)

Summon – Feathery Vengeance

{Summon FMV)

Dramatic music plays. Chocobo feathers and Gyshal Greens swarm everywhere as Gladiator Choco appears in a burst of blue energy. He gives his trademark grin (or Chocobo equivalent) and raises his wings as all the feathers turn into Stock Breaks and Shocks. All feathers bombard Fat Chocobo.

{End Summon FMV}

Fat Chocobo: X_X

Chocobos on Either Side of the Stairs: (Swim, run, or fly off)

Choco: (Bestows the gift of the Gold Chocobo upon S.S. Prozac and flies off laughing)

S.S. Prozac is still a brown Fang, but he has a golden aura around him.

S.S. Prozac: KWEEEEEEEH! ^-^ (Dances merrily)

Suddenly, Kuja appeared beside him.

Kuja: (Glances at Fat Chocobo, then at S.S. Prozac) I'm not even gonna ask what the hell happened here. (Jumps through the portal again)

S.S. Prozac: KWEH! (Follows)

Moments later, a triumphant bishounen flies down with a grin. He sweatdrops hugely at Fat Chocobo.

Kurone: Uh, Vivi?

Vivi: (IM) S.S Prozac was probably here! ^-^ (Kawaii music plays)

Kurone: Ah… (Follows Kuja and S.S. Prozac)

And back at the Ice Cavern…

Zidane and Steiner are calmly playing Tetra Master upon the wreckage of the airship, while Garnet and Blank built a snowman that took a frightening resemblance to Black Waltz Three…

Blank: Well, that was pointless. (Tries to shove over the Snow Waltz)

Garnet: (Bashes Blank) This is a symbol of kickass cool. It is not to be destroyed.

Blank: You're being extremely out of character, Princess.

Garnet glanced over to Zidane, who was laughing his ass off as Steiner fell down a pit of loose snow.

Garnet: Still wondering why I'm prone to acts of violence?

Blank: Question answered.

S.S. Prozac: KWEH!

Vivi: WOOOOOOOOOOO! ^-^ (Kawaii music plays)

Kuja: Blasted mage child…

Zidane: (Stops laughing for a second) Hey! Vivi, Kuja, and S.S. Prozac are back from wherever! ^-^

Kuja: Wha? Why the hell are you still here?

Blank: (Destroys the Snow Waltz) Like the quest would continue without you.

Garnet: HEY! Grr…

In a rare moment of fury, Garnet rushed over and grabbed Zidane's dagger out of its sheath. She then chased a terrified Blank around until he tripped over the recovering Steiner, sending them both plummeting down the pit.

Blank: AIYEEEEEEEEEEEE! (Thump) …pain… Hey, there's a pathway down here!

Garnet glanced at the dagger in her hand.

Garnet: You know… I need a new name. Zidane, what is this exactly? (Holds up dagger)

Zidane: (Scratches head) Beats me.

Garnet: -_O… (Flings the blade at Zidane, narrowly missing his tail)

Zidane: O_O… (Hugs his tail)

S.S. Prozac caught the dagger between his teeth and proudly presented it to Vivi.

Vivi: HEE! ^-^ (Kawaii music plays) GOOD CHOCOBO!

Kuja: -_-;

Vivi: I'd name her after my friend Bob!

Garnet: As much as I need a new name, I'd rather turn into an Oglop before I'd be named Bob or S.S. Prozac.

Vivi: (Laughs) No silly! More along the lines of "Dagger!"

Kuja: Somebody pinch me. Did Vivi just say something sensible?

Garnet: He got Dagger from Bob. How's that sensible.

Kuja: (Nods) Point made. -_-;

Vivi: Vivi said something out of the Book of Glowing and Complicated Runes! ^-^ (Kawaii music plays)

Kuja: … (Jumps down the hole where Steiner and Blank fell)

Vivi: Come to me my loyal steed!

S.S. Prozac: Kweh!

Vivi hopped on S.S. Prozac and they burrowed down to where Steiner, Kuja, and Blank went.

Zidane: (Charming grin) Well, it's just you and me now, Garnet.

Garnet: Zidane?

Zidane: Yes? (Grins wider)

Garnet: The name's Dagger! (Bashes Zidane and jumps down the hole)

Zidane: Ah, she's playing hard-to-get! Wait for me!!! (Follows her)

Where will our heroes (and heroine) end up now? Will Steiner kick Zidane's ass for making him fall in the first place? Are Vivi and Kurone safe from the police? Is S.S. Prozac actually a Summoner? And is anyone safe from Dagger's random acts of violence?

Blank: (Gets bashed) What did I do NOW?

Garnet: Oops. ^-^

Vivi: Good Chocobo… (Hugs S.S. Prozac)

S.S. Prozac: (Hugs Vivi)

Zidane: Kinds reminds me of what Dagger's future is with me.

Kuja and Steiner: (Bashes Zidane)

Black Waltz Three: (Looks angrily at the demolished snow statue) Who the hell did this?!

You know the drill! Did you like it, hate it, or really didn't care? Do you hear that line every time an author asks you to review? Do you want me to stop asking questions? Then review and I'll stop… All flames are used to make my Cow a flaming pasture, so don't send 'em if you don't want your precious flame trampled and electrocuted.

Cow: Moo. ^-^

See ya! ^-^