Gundam Wing and all its little characters are not mine with which to create madness and mayhem, I just borrow them. This takes place after Endless Waltz, in my own little dream world (ha ha). Warnings for this fic so far include T?WT?, shounen ai (1x2, 3x4x5), and first person monologue.

Since I don't see Trowa as being very religious, I had a hard time thinking of who he might talk to. I decided in the end to use Rapunzel's suggestion. Thanks, 'Zel! ^.^

Someone to Talk To
Trowa: Half Memory
By: M.E. (Magnificent Entity)


"Sometimes when I'm waking up, I have a feeling– I can almost put my finger on it– it's sort of a half memory about loving somebody who was very, very good. But maybe I made that up. Now you're laughing at me..."

— Kay Hallowell, from The Dreaming Jewels, by Theodore Sturgeon


Hello. I need some advice, and you're the only one I can think of who I can talk to. Maybe I shouldn't say "talk," since I'm not really talking, am I? Maybe I should say (think) "commune, nm" instead. Maybe I should just forget about this, it's a stupid idea anyway.

I know you can't really hear me, but I try anyway.

I'm scared again. I haven't felt like this since I was a little kid, since before I joined the mercenaries, when I didn't have anyone to turn to. I barely remember that time, but I do know that I was frightened. And lonely. Like I am now.

I'm probably not as lonely as you are though, since I've still got Wufei. He's so nice, and a lot more understanding than most people would think. I didn't believe you when you first told me how nice he could be. I'm sorry, I believe you now.

You forgive me? Thank you. You have no idea how good that makes me feel, to hear that. Even if I didn't really hear it, I know you said that. Would have said that. If you were here.

You're not.

The other day, lying in bed, I thought about you. I think about you all the time of course, as I do Wufei, but not only you all the time. Lying there, I thought solely about you. About how you wouldn't want me to just lie around and mope all day, missing you. About how you'd want me to be happy, want Wufei to be happy.

You were always kind like that.

Oh god. Did I just do that? Did I really think about you in the past tense? No... No no no nonono– NO! I didn't. I didn't. Really. I didn't.

We should make a promise. Always present tense. Always today. Always now. Never past. Never gone. Promise?

Good.

You're right, I'm getting off topic. Anyway, I need some advice. I want you to help me with Wufei. He's exasperating at times, but that's not the problem. The problem is that I'm scared of him. I'm scared of what he might do, I'm scared of what he might not do.

I'm scared that if I make him angry, he'll leave me. Like you did. Not that that's your fault. I know it's not. It wasn't your choice.

But it still hurts me. Hurts me a lot.

I know he blames himself for sending that letter, but don't you listen to him. It's not just his fault, it's mine too. He didn't force me to sign it, like he says he did. I wanted to sign it. I thought it would bring you back to us. I wanted you to come back. Want. I want you to come back.

So I'm going to try something. I'm going to write a letter. To you. I'm going to write a letter to you, and make Wufei sign it. Even if he doesn't want to. Don't worry, he will. He misses you too.

And then I'm going to mail it. To you. And when you get it, you'll see that we haven't forgotten you. That we don't really hate you. That we aren't angry with you. And, most important of all, that we want you back. Now. We want you back now. (Please, won't you come back?)

I'm not that good at writing letters though, so maybe I'll ask Wufei to help me with it. Our letter should be a joint effort, in any case, since it is both of us who wish to beg your forgiveness. (Please, forgive us?)

I wanted to ask you if you thought that a letter would be a good idea. Is it? Will it help any? (I'd rather we thanked you in person.)

It will? Good. Thank you for your advice, I will cherish it. I will cherish you (I always cherish you).

You want to know what I thought about when I was I lying on my bed the other day? I will tell you, though I don't really want to. It scares me. I don't like to talk about things that scare me.

I don't talk very much these days.

I was lying on my bed, holding Wufei's pillow, hugging it to my face. I don't know if he notices when I switch our pillows, but I do it every now and then. I do it because, even though I'm afraid of him (for him) now, I want to be near him, just the same (I want to be near you, too). I was holding it to my face, inhaling. Smelling him. Smelling Wufei. My dragon, our dragon. Wonderful. Do you remember? How he smells?

And then I thought about you, our angel. I thought about your eyes (sea-green-blue), your hair (pale-golden-yellow), and you (kind-sunshine-calm). And I tried to think about how you smelled– smell (no past tense, remember). But I couldn't remember, I couldn't remember, love. So I curled up around the pillow and cried. I tried to imagine I was curled up in bed with Wufei, and that you'd only just gotten up for a minute. It didn't work, but then it never does.

So I tried to think about something else. I tried to think about your face, but that only made me more upset. I couldn't remember what you look like. It's like you're gone, and all that's left of you is a lingering half memory. Don't be gone. Please.

Please...

He walked through the door just now. And now he's walking towards me... but I'm not afraid of him anymore. I think... I think talking to you helped me. Helped me realize that we all make mistakes, me, you, him. Maybe he just made a mistake when he threatened to kill me before. Maybe he was just as confused then as I am now. Life is made up of a lot of maybes, isn't it?

He smells spicy, like that incense he always burns. Most likely he's just come back from worshiping Nataku. He still does that, did you know? Even though we don't have the Gundams anymore, he still does that. I guess Wufei wouldn't be Wufei if he didn't worship Nataku.

Maybe he asked Nataku to bring you back to us. If he did, I hope it listens, wherever it is.

I'm trying to tell him I'm talking to you right now, but I can't get the words out. Can never get the words out anymore, just the noises, and he doesn't understand the noises most of the time. But... today he does, for some strange reason. It's like some god has reached down and touched his ears, because today he understands me.

Can't you hear his voice? (It's beautiful, reminds me of velvet.) Maybe you're not trying hard enough. Maybe he's not trying hard enough. Maybe none of us are.

He says he misses you (of course– who wouldn't? Who doesn't?). He says that he's just as afraid that I'll leave him as I am that he'll leave me. But he also says that he wants me to leave, which confuses me. What does it mean? Why would he want me to leave? (What have I done wrong?) Now he says that he's going to find a way for us to go and see you. I like that idea.

He says that he loves you, and that he's sorry he never told you. I'm sorry too. For him, and for me, because I never told you that I love you. I'll tell you now, okay?

I love you.

I loved you before, and I love you now. I think I'll always love you and him. Both of you. We belong together, the three of us. I know you agree. I know Wufei agrees. So we're coming. We're coming to you, Quatre, just wait a little longer.

Miss you.


Wow. Look at that. It's actually kind of sappy and happy. I hope you're all happy. It looks like they might be coming to get Quatre, but since I still have Heero's part to write (and a possible epilogue), I wouldn't get your hopes, if I were you. Hmm.... if Trowa's thought process seems a bit... strange... I believe that this is the result of him suffering from a nervous breakdown or something in Quatre's absence (I mean, who wouldn't– here you are, you've got two gorgeous boyfriends, and within the period of about one or two months one threatens to kill you and the other disappears to places unknown).