Gundam Wing and all its little characters are not mine with which to create madness and mayhem, I just borrow them. This takes place after Endless Waltz, in my own little dream world (ha ha). Warnings for this fic in its entirety so far include T?WT?, first person monologue, and shounen ai (1x2, 3x4x5).

Since I haven't reminded anyone recently, I feel obligated to state once again that I have, in fact, seen a complete total of 13 episodes of Gundam Wing (but I've seen three different versions of Endless Waltz!). Rapunzel (darn her) has seen the entire series and so is able to help me with some plot points, but only to a limited extent.

Someone to Talk To
Heero: So It Goes
By: M.E. (Magnificent Entity)


"Listen:
Billy Pilgrim has come unstuck in time."


— from Slaughterhouse-Five, by Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.


Two days. Two days until this is all over, until we leave the school we have been imprisoned in for the last one and a half years. Two days until freedom.

Two days until hell.

I do not know what to do, god help me. I honestly do not know what I am going to do afterwards. After the school, after the graduation. Afterwards we'll all be on our own, and I will not know what to do. There will be no one to tell me.

That has never happened to me before. There has always been someone, something, telling me what to do. In the beginning there were many different people, I cannot remember them all now. Then there was Odin Lowe, then Dr. J. After Dr. J, it was the war itself that instructed me. And then, for a short time, the Preventers. Now the school, with its teachers, with the Administration.

I have always done what I was told. I have always been taught not to ask questions, to just perform my duties. So I have, and it has worked. And now... there is no duty left to be done, I am told.

I am told that I will be free. Free to make my own decisions, to live my own life. I am told that I will no longer have to do exactly what I am told to do.

What will I do? I have never done anything else. I have never broken the rules set for me. I have never truly rebelled.

I have never been a human being.

There is Duo. Maybe in two days he will step in and become my new taskmaster, replacing the Administration, which replaced the Preventers, which replaced the war, which replaced...

There has always been a supervisor. That is the way it is done.

I do not think Duo will take on this job, however, even if I ask him to. He is not the type. He would feel as if he were controlling me, which would, of course, not be true. He would not be controlling me, only leading me.

I am blind to the path, there must always be someone to lead me, or else I will stumble and fall.

He interests me, Duo, because he is able to fool himself into believing that he is able to choose his own path. The only reason I can think of as to why this is so is that he has yet to be told that no one chooses their path. No one is their own guide. There is always someone or something controlling you, and something controlling them, and so it goes, on and on for infinity, like the dog on the tin can [1].

That dog always scared me, though I never let it show. He had a huge grin, and I once had nightmares of him running after me, trying to eat me. And he would never end in the dreams, just go on and on forever, until at last I woke up.

Duo might have been able to teach me how to fool myself into thinking that I was free, that I was my own guide, my own person. My own controller. But I have waited too long, there is no time now for such lessons. Only two days are left of the life that I have always known, have always lived.

Two days until my life ends. I have already decided that I will not accept that end, that I will avoid it at all costs. I have decided that I will escape from this doom that they have assigned me, from their intention to curse me to an existence in which I am an alien and ignorant of all things. I already know how, the way has been shown to me more than once.

I have never followed that way before, have chosen time and time again to only watch it carefully from a distance. Sometimes I come up close beside it, but I am very careful to never actually set foot on it. I have not taken that step because I have been told not to. They told me not to walk that path, to only walk the one that they showed me, thus binding me to a single road. A single destiny.

My only regret is that I cannot take Duo with me. He still walks the path blind, but maybe... I might have been able to persuade him to join me if I had tried earlier. But now, with only two days left... He would never agree. He loves the world too much to join me.

I will miss him, I think. I am not sure though, since a part of me tells me that he, too, is a part of the system. I love him, yes, but why do I love him? Do I love him as a result of my own decision, or because I was once told that everyone falls in love with someone, sometime, and I am just following the rule? Is he a choice or a mandate? I would like to believe that he is a choice, but deep down inside I know that that is not true. I think I'll still miss him, though, even knowing that.

Something tells me to wait out these two days, stretching what remains of this life to the very end, but I cannot do that. If I were to try to, I would ultimately fail, stop at the last minute, unable to go through with it.

And not understanding, following the path he has hidden from himself, Duo would try to stop me. I do not think I would be able to stand up to him.

So it is just as well that I do this now, even though two days of my captive freedom are left. I do not look forward to leaving this cage. I do not look forward to my escape from the looming event of change, but there is nothing else I can do. There are no alternatives left, no other ways to possibly stay in my timeless cocoon.

I am not completely cruel, however. I am leaving Duo a note. I just finished writing it, it says that it is not his fault, and that I love him and want him to be happy.

It says that I am escaping my own way, that I am escaping freedom.

It says that I am happy.

Goodbye.


[1] Um, obscure reference to a children's movie called something along the lines of "A Mouse and His Son"– that or "Little One". Just ignore it. Really. (The thing that confuses me is how Heero ever got a chance to watch it... No. Wait. I don't want to know.)

Rapunzel: You promised me that you wouldn't kill Heero off in this fic!

I crossed my fingers. (no kidding, I really did– I even remember doing it) Oh, and Heero is talking to himself, not God, not Nataku, not Quatre. Only himself.