Star Wars: The Parody Strikes Back

by El Pollo Diablos



Part Two



She took a moment to watch the double sunrise of Ru. Despite the common misperception, the two suns rose in unison, creating a beautiful pattern of light. Another day on the Imperial, formerly Rhodian, colony of Ru. The base was a hive of activity. Some Stormtroopers marching in drills, others doing stretches in full armor, and yet others doing target practice. There was something about Stormtroopers doing toe touches that seemed so funny; the armor didn't overlap correctly in the back. Commanders in black battle armor strut about inspecting assembled ranks. Trust Darth Vader to take the relatively bland officer's armor, add a cape and his own personality for a truly fearsome presence. One officer was hopping about in half armor, trying fit on boots. They just didn't have the same effect that Vader had.



She was waiting for a replacement for her squad. She had worked ten long years to earn the rank of Sargent, and the bronze pieces of armor on her shoulder that went with it. Now she had to retrain another rookie, great. Well, no point in wearing this uncomfortable helmet yet. Ah, much better; these suits weren't well ventilated. Most likely she had serious case of helmet hair. The Chariot containing a half dozen new recruits pulled in. A small hovercraft platform with a semicircular guard around the front half, such a robust simplicity. Kind of like the guards, simple. They were asleep at the post. They didn't bother to raise the beam that blocked the entrance, and the Chariot rammed through. It landed and the recruits scattered to their new posts.



"Private Michael Lindson reporting for duty," he said while saluting. She couldn't remember the last time anyone had bothered to salute her.



"At ease soldier. I'm Sargent Harria Zofsky. Let show you the bane of your existence for the next few months, Delta Base," she replied. He was only 18; they were getting younger and younger.



She showed him the barracks, with it's still sleeping ranks. The armory, with a bunch of I.O.U.'s taped to the door. Half were from the soldiers and half were from the suppliers. The mess hall, which was hosting a karoke night that stretched into the morning. The closed vehicle hangar that the base commander had lost the key for. The communication array, which had the satellite facing down instead of up; Imperial Engineers. The airbase full of Tie Fighters all lined up in rows. It was supposed to be good for preventing sabotage, but the Imperial Engineers had already sabotaged them in the last round of upgrades. The Tie Fighters should be twice as fast, with more armor, if they could fly. The officers quarters, most of its occupants too intoxicated to throw the dice into the right end of the cup as they gambled. They ended up at the shooting range. "Today's execution is a local Rhodian that was planning a revolt. We usually have an execution at 6:00." The Rhodian was tied to a post in front of a well blasted titanium wall. He was taunting the firing squad. The green, scaly, antennaed creature was shouting in own language so fast she couldn't translate.



"It's 6:15."



"We usually let them sweat for 15 minutes of helmeted target practice." The dozen lined up Stormtroopers all had their helmets on, and whenever the officer gave the command, the shots went wild. After 15 minutes of continual firing, the Rhodian was unharmed.



"Stormtroopers, helmets off! Ready, aim, fire!" a hoarse officer shouted. At that the Stormtrooper tossed their helmets to the ground and fired 12 shots into the Rhodian. A sizzling sound along with a smoking body greeted their senses. She wanted to know why only the Rhodians smelled and looked like cooked chickens after shot with an energy weapon. Mmm.... chicken... rations just didn't cut it.



"There are two races of Rhodians on this colony, the regular green ones and the yellow ones. We referred to them on the base as regular and extra-crispy."



"Don't you think to that remark was speciest?"

"No, the Blaster Rifles don't care who they kill."



"Has anyone tried to negociate with the Rebels?"



"Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha, no. Anyway getting back to the tour. The two targets to the right are used for regular target practice. One is 20 meters wide and the other is 1 meter wide. Guess which one we shoot at when we have our helmets on. "



"The big one?"



"Correct. Now take a shot at it with your helmet on." He took a shot at the large target and hit the smoldering Rhodian. "Now take your helmet off and aim at the small target." He hit the outer edges of it. "Now take off your wrist armor and hand it to me." She took out her combat knife and sliced out the metal plate, while keeping the white shell mostly intact. "Now put it back on and try again." He hit the bull's eye. "It took the Imperium 30 years to discover that. Now I'll make an improvement of my own." She took his helmet and quickly punched, with her fists, two eye holes.



"That armor's not very strong," Michael said rather surprised.



"No, no it's not. Once though, before we learned to make this 'upgrade' my squad tried to compensate for the warp of the helmet with the warp of alcohol. The theory was that if we ingested just the right amount, the two warps would cancel each other out."



"Did it work?"



"Everybody except Crassus couldn't hit anything in the next battle, which was the usual. Crassus had just enough and took out 12 rebels out with 12 shots. After the battle Major Sulla tried to congratulate him, but chewed out Crassus for his intoxication. Crassus threaten to use his Blaster Rifle in an... unorthodox way. Sulla was so angry he tried to shoot him, but he had the safety on. He's always hiding during battles. So he threw the pistol at him. Hit Crassus right off the head and took him down."



"That sounds like quite a tall tale."



"Believe what you want, but Crassus has 12 more kills than a Stormtrooper usually has. Enough of this chit-chat, we've got a mission to start: We're patrolling the Teer sector for any suspicious activity. Our Chariot is in the ditch to your right. Don't ask why, it's a long story."



"Don't Imperial patrols consist of six soldiers?"



"Normally, yes. But the rest of the squad is in the field hospital. Crassus has Wookie fur mites, Green ate a Razorback whole, Marius made a pass at me, and Johnson ran into a wall. It's another long story."



They dragged their Chariot out of the ditch and checked it over, it's in fine working condition, only a few disrupter holes. Michael asked another question, "I don't know the Rhodian language, does that matter?"



"Yes, but you'll learn Rhodent in no time at all."



"Do you mind if I drive? I spent most of my training in the academy as the driver." He didn't seem to notice the holes. Michael drove them out of the base, the guards still asleep at the post. They set out into the wasteland. It was all dirt, mud and rocky outcroppings. The odds were that nobody was smuggling weapons in through here, it was too exposed, but it was better than patrolling the forest. "Do you mind if I turned on the radio?"



"Radio? What new jargon is that?"



"It's an old piece of technology, but I learned that the Chariots are still equipped with it. Ah, here it is." Static crackled through the air. "Could you adjust the tracking? When I was in the academy, we set up a space beacon that played our favorite tracks. We should be able to pick up on its signal."



She looked in the area of this 'radio' and saw a dial. It was marked 'volume,' maybe that was it. The thundering static bounced through her head. The helmet did nothing for blocking this. Michael quickly turned it off. "This is how people communicated centuries ago? This 'music' must have gave people brain damage," she said with the 'music' still vibrating in her ears.



Michael just couldn't seem to stay quiet, in a few minutes he started up a new conversation, "Do you think I can hit that creature with the Chariot?"



"That Razorback is only a few centimeters tall and this is a hovercraft. You'd have to get too close to the ground." She should know, she spent her first few months trying to hit them with a Chariot.



"That sounds like a challenge. Yeehawww!" A bump and small skid later, the Razorback was unharmed and she was reconsidering her new recruit's sanity and her own. In a another few minutes he piped back up, "So what part of the academy did you like the best?"



It was so long ago. She was in the academy for the usual period of five years. Imperial soldiers had much more training than most people realized. "I enjoyed the Tie Fighters, but I just couldn't figure out how to land the thing." That wasn't entirely true. She had landed it once, on her instructor. And considering he was in the control tower, that was quite an accomplishment.



"They've redone the Tie Fighter. The new models come with tachion flux reducers, plasma injectors, landing gear, and cup holders. They also installed an autopilot for landing and takeoff. I never was good at piloting combat vessels. I was best at transport, communications, and medicine."



"Then why aren't you a medic?" She was afraid to ask, but it couldn't have been worse than her attempt a medicine. According to her medicine instructor, it was the only time he'd heard a cadaver scream. However, she excelled at ground combat and became one of the noble, elite, glorified Stormtroopers. Well, if you're going to have delusions, why not go for delusions of grandeur? They were far more satisfying than delusions of adequatecy.



"I kept forgetting to give the patients anesthetic." The more he said, the less sure she was the Empire would survive. In another few minutes the communicator came alive. It wasn't a face she recognized, but Michael did. "So Hugo, how are you? Either you're the best hacker in the Empire, or you've already made..."



"Keep your eyes on the road!" she yelled as they raced towards a boulder. After a few seconds, the dust cleared and she was lying on the ground, staring at the suns. "So there's an entire academy of people like you? No wonder we're losing the war."



"Ugghhhh?"



She surveyed the damage. The Chariot was fine, it just had a dent in it. She half expected it to explode for no reason. Michael was getting to his feet. "As you will notice, our suits are now filthy. Imperial Command calls it 'adaptive camouflage armor.' Two hours after every mission is spent cleaning these suits. I'm going to drive now."



They had toured the badlands long enough, now it was time to tour the city. They were more likely to find something of interest there. Turning the craft around, she decided that this kid needed experience, fast. Time for her to pass on her wisdom, "When you're in a battle just remember to follow your fear. It's smarter than you are. Just keep it from manifesting itself in your pants. I'm it gets to be all becomes too much, then write. I prefer prose; poetry has poor grammar." That was the sum of her experience. It worked.



"How do you deal with Jedi?"



"You don't, you run. I was witness to a Jedi battle once. It was in the command post on Herath. Darth Liche was battling some Jedi girl. My squad was called in to aid Darth Liche in eliminating the Jedi. Eliminating a Jedi, with Blasters? What a joke. We all just stood back and watched the fireworks. It was quite on a show on thermal vision. Green was sitting on a crate, eating his rations like popcorn. The rations taste like Blaster power cell paste. I switched them on Johnson once; he didn't notice. Anyway, after Green finished his rations, about 10 minutes later, they were still going at it, he shouted at Darth Liche, 'Why don't you just use the force to flick her lightsaber off?' Five seconds later Darth Liche was victorious, but not feeling too smart. None of the Jedi are really smart. I kept her lightsaber as a reminder. At least, I did until Hojo thought it was a flashlight. You were sent to replace Hojo, who was sent to replace Clerc, who was eaten by a tree. That reminds me, watch out for the trees on Ru, they've eaten a dozen Stormtroopers over the last month." Michael look like he had just violated the manifesting part of her aforementioned wisdom. Poor little fellow, but he needed to be educated before he wound up with a hole in his head, or worse yet her's. "One last bit of advise, never let the enemy have the element of surprise."



They were entering the outskirts of the city when the Chariot's engine died for no reason. Stopping, she and Michael got out and looked at the engine. That's when she felt something jabbing against the back of her neck. Turning around slowly, she saw a dozen Rhodians with disrupters aimed at them. Surprise. Slowly she set down her rifle, as the lead Rhodian spoke, "Gee naw fer a jo va feen ack quen tu! Bheg hu da wri ketaw?" That remark about her mother was uncalled for.



"I take it the Imperium is no longer welcome on this world," Michael said weakly. He tossed down his rifle too. The smartest thing he did all day.

Elpollodiablos@hotmail.com