Star Wars: The Parody Strikes Back
Part Six
Harold stood before her, oblivious of her presence. He was too busy shaving himself. The humming of lightsaber, and absolute concentration needed to wield it without chopping off his own head was keeping him from noticing her. That was good, for it would make this test better. In her hand was a inflated paper bag, and she was slowly approaching him from the side. It was a pity that she had not arrived earlier, she would have liked to see how Jedi brushed their teeth. If her theory was right, and these were in fact the chosen of the galaxy, the new Jedi, then they should surpass the ones of the Old Republic. They should have the lightning reflexes, the steady hands, the discipline of a Stormtrooper. They should respond to the sudden noise with a slice of the lightsaber, stopping just short of her head. Either that, or they were the idiots they were rumoured to be. In that case he would take off his own head due to the surprise and out the airlock he'd go. Lost somewhere in the border between the Rebellion (soon to be New Republic, she hoped) and The Empire.
"There, done. Smooth as a droid's bottom," Harold said, flicking off his lightsaber. She popped the paper bag, as he said those words. He spun around, thinking his lightsaber was still ignited, and took a swing. Too much power was in swing and after a dizzying spin, he leaned on the toilet for support. Then he turned and looked at her, "Don't do that. A had a roommate in the academy that liked to that. I'm missing a few of my teeth, and I only have three of my original fingers left."
"What happened to him?"
"A fool and his head are soon parted. During a practice duel, his lightsaber went too far back preparing for an overhead chop. Don't mess with a Jedi, we have a very dangerous piece of equipment. You've got to be disciplined and coordinated to use of these," Harold said while gesturing with his lightsaber hand. He accidentally ignited it and it pierced the mirror to his side. A scream could be heard from the adjacent room. "Sorry," he yelled to the other room. Then to her, "Due the frequent... accidents... at the academy master Luke taught us how to use manipulate The Force to purge bodily wounds and restore vitality. It's called... Jedi Heal."
"How original."
"Master Luke said he spent a whole week meditating on the name. Or at least he told us he meditating. The technique has come in handy. Since it taught, only two Jedi die a week."
"A week?!"
"It's very difficult training. When you working with a lightsaber, what's the margin for error?"
"Nine fingers' width?"
"Yeah, that seems about right. Is a neck as wide as nine fingers? The academy is not just duelling, it about using The Force and study. One of these days I'll figure out how to use a Mind Trick on someone without exploding their head. I can do Push and Pull fairly well. Here's another trick we learned, so we can see in the dark." Harold snapped his fingers, and one caught fire providing additional light for the room.
"Wow, that's neat."
"Unfortunately, that's one of my real fingers. Oh god, it burns!" Harold quickly put out the blaze.
"So what do they teach you about The Dark Side?"
"The what?"
"The people with lightsabers trying to kill you."
"You mean Bubba and Master Luke?"
"No, The Empire's Dark Jedi. You know, Darth Vader and Emperor Palpatine and all that," she was starting to get worried.
"You mean The Empire has Jedi of its own? Oh crud, oh crud, oh crud... just kidding! We know all about them. I had you going didn't I? Now answer one of my questions: What are you doing in my quarter's bathroom when I'm in it? Trying to get me killed?"
"Uh..."
A few hours later she was back piloting the ship through an asteroid belt. Auto pilot couldn't handle it, so she had to do it personally. When she first arrived at the helm, her ship had told her "You've got junk mail." For the last time, she didn't want that 'free' trip to Naboo. Not if she had to pay a 100 credit FIOF (for idiots only fee). She could go to Naboo whenever she wanted with her ship. This ship was the predecessor of the Millennium Falcon, the Annual Hummingbird. It was called that because of its very loud engines, and that every year someone else was stupid enough to buy this hunk of junk. Well, that was all this smuggler could afford. If she completed this mission, she'd have enough money to buy the Millennium Falcon. Just a routine smuggling mission they told her. Instead of smuggling in weapons, spare parts, food, or porno to some border world, she had to smuggle people into a world deep in The Empire's territory. They were just diplomats they told her. Yeah right, diplomats that dressed like refugees. Diplomats that confused the words 'etiquette' and 'etch-e-sketch.' Diplomats with lightsabers, and playing Force Tug-of-War on the landing pad. What type of idiot did Rebel Command think she was?
The reduced Rebel Command that is. She heard that Boba Fett had flown the Slave One right into Coruscant, blew up several hangars of X-Wings and B-Wings with missiles, and flew unchallenged to the Emperor's palace. There he had killed 80 or so guests, and wounded another 120. Where were the patrols? They had launched some X-Wings on the other side of the continent after the initial attack, but somehow the Slave One, which was so slow moss could catch it, had evaded them. Maybe she had it backwards, maybe she wasn't supposed to be the idiot.
Now she was navigating asteroids, nebulas, quasars, black holes, white holes, and butt holes just to reach the planet. Well, just in case she'd better have her Imperial identification codes. 300 Credits usually does it, but in case of a competent guard, she story was that she was bringing new recruits with special orders to take them to Meru. She had a back up plan as well. She had rigged the craft with sensors designed to make the craft seem like meteor on Imperial sensors. They'd only work for a short time before burning out. The craft didn't look anything like a meteor, so if anyone saw them her cover would be blown.
There, she had just navigated the asteroid field, only another 9 hours until they reach the Gyrantoaodkfltorekjjforegjroejofeofwhackwhackakwmbxmeaewodd'tyrj nebula. Those stupid little Amanamans. She'd only hit 4 four asteroids. Who said you needed a licence to fly these things? Now she needed to get to the engine room. Most likely she'd burned out the lateral and horizontal thrusters. This called for the space mechanic's secret weapon: Duct tape. She grabbed a few rolls and sprinted to the engine room, which was conveniently located in the opposite end of the craft.
On the way a Jedi with a huge coffee stain on his shirt tried to get her attention, "Maya, may I have a word with you?" She ignored him and quickly shut the engine room door behind her. The engines had seen better days. She wasn't quite sure when, probably back when Yoda was teenager, jumping from lillypad to lillypad, singing songs with a guitar. Oh wait, that was Kermit the frog. Well the two looked similar. Somehow she could imagine Yoda with some else's hand up his back, controlling his every move like a puppet. Yeah, a puppet with German grammar, what a farcical idea.
She was forgetting about the engines. Let's see, the engine oil had mushrooms growing in it. The temperature gauge was beyond the normal range. The pointer had broken off and the stump was pointing at an area called '(expletive)ing hot.' The room was turning into a sauna. The plasma injector coil was pumping plasma exhaust into the ventilation system. That wasn't good. She'd have to shut down the main engine and run on the warp, er... star drive engine for now. These engines really were loud. The sound of clunking parts formed a steady drum beat. The high-pitched whine of a leaky pipe, the whirring a loose screw bumping around in a compartment, and clang some worn-out parts formed a wondrous melody of something discord. She pulled out the duct tape and got to work.
Several hours later she was in the galley. The Jedi were all assembled and appeared to be taking sides for a food fight. These really were immature people. Well, the food was Imagulan gruel paste, not the most tasty, nutritious, or appealing food. And it did scoop into a ball very well. She just lifted up a tray as a shield as the other flung gruel at each other. They used The Force to fling pointed cutlery at each other too. She could order them to stop, and threaten to throw them in the brig, but what would Jedi have to fear from a lowly smuggler? She could spy from the corner of her eye, another Jedi, trying to eat his meal, using a Force Shield to create a dome of thrown gruel around him.
Just then, Bubba, a rather disturbed Jedi, stumbled into the galley. "My tricorder is giving anomalous readings. Spock, what is going on here?" He was talking into an electric razor. Hm... so all Jedi didn't shave with lightsabers.
"What did you guys do to him? He's obviously delirious."
"Beam me up Scotty, there's no life on this planet. Scotty, Scotty, come in Scotty. Spock do you have any speculation?"
"He's just been meditating. His concentration was broken and he's snapped into a delusional state for a few hours. It's a regular practical joke. This will be quite funny. Don't worry he won't harm anyone."
"Star date 104384.35975.359389598398 and two thirds: I'm so very hungry, it's been a month since an attractive girl has crossed my path. I can see only one way out of this." Then Bubba ignited his lightsaber, killed his electric razor, calling it a 'p'tah' and then stumbled back to quarters.
"You think that was bad, you should have hear of time my meditation was interrupted. Have you ever heard of a character called 'Colonel Klink?'"
The next day, a Jedi was making a rather usual request, "You want to have a lightsaber duel with I8I1, a reprogrammed protocol droid?"
"It the safest form of dueling. We can heal moderate internal wounds, but no a serious blow. Nor can we reattach limbs severed with a lightsaber, due to the instant cauterization of the wound. A droid can be easily repaired."
"Do I have a say in any of this?" A Chris Tucker like voice came from the droid. No one was listening.
"I'll allow it on the condition that I get to watch, and you help piece him back together."
"I am programmed to feel pain." The pleading wasn't working. A lightsaber was thrust into its hands.
"Deal. Now hold it right... here. Try not to make this too easy." With a use of The Force, the lightsabers ignited. To her amazement, the slow droid was parrying the strokes with jerky movements. She could almost she fear in the droids eyes. Then the droid let out an electronic scream and did a chop with the lightsaber.
"Oh my god, you killed Lenny!"
"What are you talking about? You're fine," she said to the amazed Jedi.
"Lenny's the name of my lightsaber. Your droid just ruined it."
"You mean I won? Horray!" I8I1 said cheering. The Jedi's response was to use The Force to wretch the lightsaber from its hands, and take its head off with a stroke. The droid's head settled on the floor, while the body remained standing. "You're a rather sore loser. That really hurts."
After 4 long days they were nearing Meru. She had called Bubba and Harold to the bridge to give her a hand with the weapons and engines in case they weren't recieved well. They didn't have enough firepower to take on 300-meter asteroid, let alone a Tie Fighter, so it really wouldn't matter, but better safe than sorry. "Now whatever you do, don't press the red button. That's what triggers the sensors to portray us a meteor." She could see Bubba with a sparkle in his eye, slowly reaching more the red button. Harold quickly stopped him. "We got a communication, putting it through on audio, the holographic display isn't working, due to the fact some one sliced it in two."
"This Captain Tyra of the Imperial Star Destroyer Gladius, state your business or be destroyed." This was one of the dozens of Imperial war ships gathering at Meru. They're gathering for an attack. Patrols of Tie Fighters were all around her. She hadn't seen this many Imperials since Hoth.
"I'm here to deliver some special recruits directly to the orbital dock on Meru. Orders straight from Commander Domitain."
"Send me over the identification code sequence." Luckily she had an Imperial giving her this inside information for a monthly shipment of Jerafana. Did Imperial Command have any idea how corrupt their soldiers were? To be fair, Imperial Command itself was fairly corrupt.
"Your codes are verified. Can you explain the condition of your ship? Are you in need of repairs?"
"No, just cut-backs to the transportation budget. And... don't touch the red button! Oh dang it!" The Captain's face no doubt looked down at some sensor readings that would say that her ship was now a meteor. Time to think fast. "These are special ops recruits. They can't wait to test the new gear. Patience will have to be drilled into them. As you can see, The Empire has been developing a few new tricks."
"Very well, proceed."
Right after the transmission had ended, she lunged at Bubba and started strangling him. Harold just laughed at seeing a scrawny little smuggler girl strangle a massive, muscled Jedi who too surprised to fight back. After a seconds and a couple of choking sounds, a Force Push sent her back against the wall. Then a string of verbal insults exploded from her mouth. She couldn't wait to get these walking disasters off her ship.
When they finally reached the orbital docks, she told them to conceal their lightsabers and get out. There response was to ask her how to stow aboard the admiral's flagship. Apparently Luke didn't brief them too well. "Just hide in a container, or say you're a new janitor. I don't know, just get out." Then the half dozen Jedi left the ship. Stow aboard the admiral's flagship! She hoped they weren't the only ones trying this. Wait, this was all making sense now. These were likely one of several groups of Jedi trying to smuggle aboard the Aetius. During the next battle, which these ships were obviously amassing for, they attempt to kill Admiral Lerutan. If the Dark Jedi were like these Jedi, then the Aetius should be exploding anytime from an 'accident'. Good luck to you Jedi. They were going to need it; one of them was attempting to sneak aboard by hiding in a garbage bin outside a beverage stand called "Starbucks".
She believed that she had just figured out these Jedi. All masters were dead. Except for Luke, who was not versed in the literature. These Jedi were learning fighting from the best teacher in the galaxy, but none of the wisdom that made a true warrior. To make matters worse, he obviously did not know the procedures for selecting new Jedi. He was taking new recruits wherever he could, many of them nearly insane from lack of understanding of the incredible power within them. So there's going to a pile of massive muscles, brainless, lightsaber wielding Jedi keeping order in the galaxy. In contrast, it would make sense that Dark Jedi would be better versed in the studies and better disciplined, but would lack the fighting skills. Either way, she didn't want to be near any of them again. She wouldn't have enough duct tape to fix all the damage.
