Star Wars: The Parody Strikes Back



Part Eight



The inside of Imperial torpedo was not the most comfortable place to hide in. She had sneaked into the armory on board the orbital station on Meru. There was a stack of large torpedoes just there, and a Mind Trick later the guard was immobilized. After emptying the insides every so delicately using a lightsaber, she climbed in and used The Force to reattach the top. Several hours later she had been smacked in every direction, rattled, and rolled. She was rather bruised. Her entire body had a warm, glowing feeling. In fact, she could actually see her elbow in a pale green light; or at least she thought it was her elbow. This may have not been the wisest place to hide in.



By her keen senses, approximately . . . a long time had passed. Judging by a huge jolt which was felt about a week ago, they had gone into hyperspace. They had dropped out an hour ago, if her sense of time was correct. Good, she wanted to get out badly. She was all bruised and cramped. Her lightsaber shaft was jutting into her abdomen, she was hungry, thirsty, and she had to use the bathroom really badly. Well, this was still a good hiding place. Where were the other Jedis hiding? Then she felt a sudden jerk and a brief 'whoosh' sound. The torpedo next her had just been launched! Okay, maybe this wasn't the best place to hide. She couldn't ignite her lightsaber with impaling herself, so she kicked and used The Force to smack a hole in the bottom and slid out.



She just lay there, in an empty room for a minute or two, regaining the feeling in her limbs. So they've started firing, they must be fighting at Coruscant. She tuned her senses to search for other Jedis. Hmm . . . the others were scattered around the ship. They were moving, converging at certain points. One of these points was nearby. She took her first speedy stride, and fell flat on her face. Her limbs were still asleep. A Jedi, the most powerful warrior in the galaxy, was reduced to limping and leaning on a wall to reach her objective. Scanning the room, she observed many computer mainframes loading, firing, and guiding the torpedoes. Good for a lightsaber warm up. Igniting it, she proceeded to turn millions of credits worth of machinery in molten silicon. Some parts of it caught fire, causing the sprinkler system to activate. She took no notice of that, she was more concerned with the alarm system she had just inadvertently activated. However, she took notice when a stream of water connected the lightsaber to a sparking circuit. The electric current from it coursed through the room and into her. She managed to switch off the lightsaber before collapsing to the floor. Great, her limbs were cramped, she's wet, she'd been shocked, irradiated, and she didn't even want to know what condition her hair was in. What a beginning to the mission. Certainly now the Imperials knew that something wrong was going on aboard the ship.



Stumbling then eventually walking out of the room, she felt three people coming towards her. Probably to inspect what was going on. She hid as she listened to them, "Dude, the plan worked perfectly. Dropped out of hyperspace right on top of Coruscant. Took 'em by surprise and now were pounding on them Rebels. No way we can lose."



"I've heard that before. I was a pilot of an At-At back on Hoth. Taken down by Luke Skywalker in a Speeder. Don't underestimate these Rebels."



"I plan on living a long time. Have you seen the pension we get? It's incredible and I plan on collecting it. I'm in a easy job, defending the most heavily armed Star Destroyer in the fleet. What could take this bird down?"



"A Jedi!"



"Sure. A solitary Jedi could destroy this ship? You're really too much of a pessimist."



"No! There's a Jedi behind you!" One of the Stormtroopers said reaching for his holstered blaster rifle.



"Ha ha, very funny. A Jedi behind us!," he turns around, "Ah Sithspit."



She blew one Stormtrooper though a display screen with The Force, deflected a shot from the second into the third one. The second one just kept of firing, and she deflected as many as she could, but the Stormtrooper's aim was too hurried to be accurate. None of the deflected shots hit him either. Eventually he ran out of ammunition and resorted to throwing the blaster rifle at her. She wasn't expected that and she didn't block it. The rifle smacked her in the face, but she stood her ground. Now she was mad. The Stormtrooper tried to run and pick up the blaster off a fallen comrade, but one doesn't move too fast in that armor. A quick stroke killed him. The next dozen strokes were for revenge for the past week. Triumphant, she jogged out of the room. On the way out, she heard the moaning of the Stormtrooper she had pushed through the display, "Can someone help me? I'm still alive, but I'm badly, badly cut. The armor really doesn't protect you very well. Anyone out there? I could use a first aid kit. Hello...."



Jogging through the maze-like corridors she listened to the ship. The ventilation system was whirring, the a distant thud of a weapon firing, and a 'zzzz' sound of the shields absorbing a shot. The shields sounded like a the galaxy's largest bug zapper. Now entering the main corridor, she sensed that a group of Jedis were nearby. The corridor ended in two doors. One was marked "Section Green 207a Corridor" and the other was marked "Bathroom." It was times like this she wished she could read English. She knew how to speak 4 languages from her native planet, including English; but she only could write in one. It was a fifty-fifty chance that she'd pick the right door, so she went into the one marked "Bathroom."



She ran in and realized that it was a bathroom. It was alright, she did need to use it. Some one was in the far stall, because she could hear him singing, "... we've created life. With arms wide open, now everything has changed..." she banged on the door. "Now wait your turn. I know the rest of the toilets are busted, but it took me 15 minutes just to get my armor off. I will indulge you while we're waiting though. You know those new torpedoes we got? The K.Y.A.G. torpedoes? I figured out what K.Y.A.G. stands for: Kiss Your-" She used The Force to rip the door off the hinges and toss it aside. The partially dressed Stormtrooper now found himself on the wrong end of a lightsaber. At least he was sitting on the right seat to handle the surprise. "It's just one those days," were his last words before being impaled. She tossed him aside, kicked away the armor on the floor, and relieved herself.



After she was done, she took a look at herself in the mirror. She had seen better days. Her hair was like a Wookie's, her skin was bruised blue in few areas, reminding her of a sunburned Rhodian. Her white tunic was blackened, burnt, and ripped in a few spots. Her face was bleeding a little, and was black and blue. However, her skin had healthy (she hoped) green glow to it. It really didn't matter though when you were a martyr. She quickly got a drink from the sink. Mmm... arsenic. Every place the water tasted different; regional flavoring she called it. This was one had heavy presence of minerals, with a tangy aftertaste, she thought while swishing it inside her mouth. With delicate traces of chlorine and bismuth. She splashed some on herself, and ran out of the bathroom and though the other door.



"Spast! What happened to you? Janitors too rough with you?" That was Marcus, one of Jedis who had proclaimed himself leader of this expedition. Young, poorly shaven, arrogant, and only a mediocre duelist, this guy could easily bite off more than he could chew. He was smart, in the absent minded sort of way. His shirt was on backwards and inside out.



"None of your business. I suppose you got here with even igniting your lightsaber."



"Yep, pushed 'em all over edges into impossibly deep pits. This ship is full of them; it's so sweet. Now let me take a look at your face." He was well attuned with The Force. He was one of the few cadets to have learned how to heal using The Force. Within a few seconds, here face was healed and cleaned off. "Alright, this feels like everyone in this section is here. According to a terminal behind us, we are far closer to the shield generator than the bridge. Bubba, Harold, Feaor, Alexander, Auhguk- Ashgak- Eshgek- err Esh, Janet, and myself will take care of the shield generator. Nuzbuit, Kweenar, and Emilia will run interference. Just pick a direction and hack away at anyone not a Light Jedi. Alright, let's move out!"



Great, she wasn't good enough to take on the powerful enemies, she had to distract the weaker ones as long as she could. It wasn't going to matter in the end, so she might as well follow the order. She picked a direction and ran. Now healed and muscles relaxed, she was almost artistic in how she killed the Stormtroopers. She even made a few games out of it. How many times she could slice a Stormtrooper before he fell down, without using The Force. Another one was to pull the blaster out their hands, and pull them back to towards her, and then let them try to make a run for it again. Who could of thought that being a Jedi could be so much fun? She wasn't even paying attention to where she was going. Another fun game was doing a Mind Trick on one of them, and have him shoot the rest of the squad. Yet another trick was to fling the remains of the fallen at the living. She wanted to take on a Dark Jedi though. She wanted to rid the galaxy of a creature that needlessly inflicted pain on others. Remove another leech on humanity.



She entered a different style of halls now. They were wider, better decorated, and cleaner. She must be in the officer's quarters, if not in the admiral's wing itself. She heard a 'clackety-clack' of a droid as it rolled around the corner. It unfolded, raised shields, and began firing a steady barrage of shots at her. Too much for her to reflect at once, used a Force Push to knock it off balance, dodged to the side, ran up a wall, jump off, and thrust her lightsaber right through the shield into the droid. Its bug zapper was not strong enough. She passed along the hall and rounded a corner. She could here in the distance a stiff human female voice shouting, "Hear that? the defense droid just went down. Defensive positions everyone! Crassus, take point. Green, take a flanking position. Marius, yeah, you stay near the exit. Lindson, take the safety off that blaster! Johnson, for Vader's sake, you got your helmet on backwards! Get ready for 'em." Then she rounded the corner and charged headfirst, lightsaber held high ready for a chop. "A Jedi?! Everybody retreat; get out of here! The Stormtrooper Sargent was holding a Mara Son rocket launcher. It was fired at her. She was running too fast to deflect it properly and it exploded in the ceiling before her, knocking her off her feet.



When the daze wore off, and she got back on her feet. Sparking wiring hung from the damaged ceiling. A rocket launcher in close quarter combat, what were they thinking? The Stromtroopers had fled. What were they here to protect? She saw a ornate door at the end of the hallway, with all sorts of insignia, the admiral's quarters. Maybe they were here to guard him. Maybe she could catch him on the toilet. The lightsaber made an excellent, if indiscreet lockpick and she was soon inside. Her impression of the room was best described as: This guy has some problems. Some charred darts stuck in the far wall, with a burnt piece of paper below it. One computer terminal had suffered a huge electrical overload, and was a pile of junk. Another computer terminal had some rather perverted screensaver on it. On a desk were maps, field guides, a dossier of an Imperial Lieutenant Zell, some empty bottles, and what appeared to a photograph of him in the Coruscant red light district years ago. Judging by the look on his face, he had just gone from relaxed to shocked in an heartbeat. On the desk was also a book. She looked at it. Master Yoda had written this! She read the cover: "How To Serve Naboo." She leafed through it. The thing was a cookbook! Suddenly she feared for her countrymen. But why would an admiral have a cookbook written by Yoda in his quarters? Surely he didn't prepare his own meals.