Star Wars: The Parody Strikes Back



Part Ten



Darth Liche gazed out the view screen in the bridge, ops, whatever it was currently being called. A massive Imperial fleet lay before him. The hundreds of Star Destroyers and lesser capital ships were sprawled across Hyperspace. All moving at the same speed, the only way to tell they were moving at all was the looking at the Hyperspace. A swirling mass of red flowing... uh, he didn't know quite was flowing around the ship. But the hypnotic image was not to be looked upon after a drink, it caused the urge to use the bathroom for no reason.



He hoped that the navigators had planned the coordinates carefully. The typical jump had the destination at the edge of the system. They were attempting to end the jump less than 200 million kilometers from Coruscant. They were going incredibly faster than the speed of light and if a moon of a planet got in their way... Now, having a Star Destroyer accidently hit Coruscant would create a an excellent surprise attack. Judging from some of the crew of this ship, he wouldn't be surprised if it happened. He remember the results of a skirmish a while ago, with a Lamba class ship going to Hyperspace with their shield generator destroyed. It had traveled through a dust cloud during the jump, and when it arrive back at the Cairn space station it looked fine. However, when repeated communications got no response, a team was sent out to investigate. The ship resembled a sieve, with millions of tiny holes all throughout the ship. These calculations would have near impossible 200 years ago. It required knowing the last digit of pi: Zero. In retrospect it seemed so obvious. 665 terabytes of data all recording the digits of pi in every ship capable of Hyperspace jumps.



The man responsible for this vast gathering of Imperial might stood before him. Admiral Lerutan, proud, dignified, with a fabric softener sheet poking up from the neck hole. We were heading to Waterloo, for certain. Whether Lerutan was Napoleon or Wellington was still to be determined, he shared characteristics of both. He was Wellington in the way he was fighting to restore a dying dynasty to power. He was Napoleon in the way his Empire went from omnipotent to impotent and had a major comeback for ultimate conquest.



Whatever dead person he resembled, he needed to be eliminated. He was his master in the Jedi arts, his commander in Imperial military, and he knew him. He was just like his father, he reached too far. Palpatine was at his peak not when he was Emperor, but when he Chancellor in the Old Republic. He ruled it in secret, and everybody was powerless to stop that which they did not know. The way of the Sith was to rule from the shadows. Look what the supposed might of The Empire under Palpatine had brought him: the hatred of most of the galaxy, open rebellion, chaos, and death from his student. Time to extend the practice one generation further. I guess all the economic reports he had heard were correct, employee loyalty was experiencing a downturn. That had some ill effects for some of us. Like that overeager Lieutenant Zell. He was so ready to try and kill the Admiral, and so incredibly incompetent at carrying it out. Well if wanted to have something done right, get at Dark Jedi to do it. If you are a Dark Jedi, then do it yourself.



Never give a person a lightsaber unless you knew where they were going to point it. That was an obvious rule. In Lerutan's desperate search of disciples he picked all of those who showed talent. Thus, he never did instill a sense of loyalty, only knowledge and battle skills. The Rebel's Jedi academy violated another obvious rule: Now kids, don't try this at home. The war needed to end, now. It was only killing people who could be made unknowing pawns. What would happen if the rebellion was crushed? Nothing, only a new one would rise in its place. What if The Empire was crushed? Well, first off he his behind would become Jerafana rind. The Rebels didn't have a clue how to govern, or how to work an economic system, it'd be chaos. Amazingly, what was needed was peace, that preserved both sides. Then the sith could wage a shadow war, under his command, as were what they excelled at.



He first realized that Lerutan had to go several years back, during a mission on Dhjose. He was fighting a Jedi girl that was attempting to sabotage the base. He dueled with the girl in the exact way he had been taught to. At least 10 minutes had passed with no one gaining the advantage. There was a squad of Stromtroopers behind them, enjoying the show. One of them gave the sarcastic suggestion that he should use The Force to turn off her lightsaber. He tried it and it worked. If a tactic so simple a Stormtrooper could think of it, the admiral (then captain) should have obviously have thought of it too. Lerutan hadn't though. He realized then that idiots were running the show, they needed to go, and stronger, smarter ones take their places.



The Empire was dying anyway. When the first Deathstar blew up, The Empire's future went with it. Now the course of the war then followed its logical route. Then Lerutan had to show up. His new weapons were only dragging this out further. However, this battle would resolve the fate of The Empire. He estimated 80% of all The Empire's military might, close to 10 billion soldiers were going to attempt to retake the Imperial home world. With such a drain of manpower everywhere else, the Rebels were making gains, and several worlds had been revolting on their own, as Ru had been an example of. The longer this lasted, the worse it would get for The Empire. The new recruits were idiots. Otherwise they would be fighting for the Rebels. No wonder the motto of The Empire had officially become 'Die, rebel scum.' As if on cue, a Stormtrooper patrolling the bridge tripped over a step. He did that naturally, Darth Liche didn't even have use any Force powers to induce it. Unfortunately, an assassination had to wait for the right moment, so he wouldn't get killed along with Lerutan. Until that time, he'd have to follow the savant's orders. He rather arm wrestle a Wokkie, it'd be less painful.



"30 seconds until we drop out of Hyperspace!" shouted one of bridge crew. Great, now the bad part of being a lackey of this admiral. He was now going to take direct control of their minds so that the first shots would be perfect and efficient. Now he had to get the thoughts of assassination out of his head and replace them with happy thoughts. How did clouds always look like everyday things? His body went rigid and he was unable to move his arm, or any other part of his body. He was still able to observe with his senses. Communications crew were quickly, yet methodically telling the other ships coordinates for the critical first strike.



The plan was a simple bit of trickery. A mere billion soldiers would lure out the Rebels around the edge of the system. Meanwhile the rest of the armada would jump out of Hyperspace only 200 million kilometers from Coruscant. That was spitting distance for these weapons. Providing they didn't miscalculate and end up ramming the planet, we should raise shields and get off a first volley before the planetary defenses or orbiting patrols could react.



The weapons officer was playing his console like a jazz era musician plays a piano. He could feel the vibration at 10's of thousands of Stromtroopers marching in perfect unison to the assault pods. The harder vibrations of At-at's, At-st's, and Walkers plodded to their pods. He shouldn't be able to feel that. Either he was experiencing feedback from the mind control, or this ship was as well built as cardboard box. Then the red swirling mass of Hyperspace yielded to show Coruscant. The massive city planet with an atmosphere so polluted in the slums that it was supposedly equivalent to be exposed to a dozen canisters of Agent Blue (one of the admiral's inventions) every day. How was he supposed to know the freaking things were addictive? One large city, well this would give the term collateral damage a whole new magnitude. The Imperials had evacuated Coruscant, instead of fighting a surely unwinnable battle, so this planet was still untouched from the war.



Turning his attention to the bridge, some of the crew was rattled from the exit, one was even thrown from his seat. He wasn't the only Dark Jedi in the bridge. Darth Meadist, Seadist, Geanosclyde, Claw, Fred, and about a dozen other Sith in training were in the bridge. The Dark Jedi were loyal to Lerutan, another hindrance to his 'promotion'. That reminded him, there were others in this room with lightsabers. Most of the officers had them. The admiral, thinking that the few Dark Jedi he had were insufficient to guard the ship had given the officers the lightsabers. They didn't have clue how to use them, and were smart enough not to use them. The purpose was that Lerutan could take over any of their minds and use them as a makeshift Sith if needed.



Still unable to move his body, he was tempted to openly defy Lerutan's will. He really needed a cigarette badly. He was distracted from that by a rather spectacular light show. As Imperial Gunships (another of the Admirals inventions that would only prolong this conflict) and Tie Fighters were launched, all the capital ships opened fire. For a moment the planet was obscured by the explosions of the orbiting Rebel craft. Before it cleared the second volley was fired and further explosions occurred as the planetary shield generator died. There were still far stronger shield generators guarding critical sites, but now the troops could be landed. As if on cue from his thoughts, thousands of pods were launched at Coruscant. Half of the pods contained troops or their machina, the other half were absolutely huge canisters of Agent Blue.



The most important tasks done, the Admiral finally gave people back their bodies. Most breathed a sigh of relief, but he reached for his lighter and a packet of cigarettes. After a few pats turned up empty for the lighter, he remember that it was back in his quarters. He really needed it, how could he light up without using one of them? His lightsaber was there... he pulled it out and ignited it and used it to light the end of the cigarette. As he shut off the lightsaber, the Admiral spoke to him without turning his head, "Those things will be the death of you, as they will the death of so many on this planet." He was tired of hearing that. He was in a war where 10's of thousands of people died every day. He was in a battle were billions would die in a matter of hours. He standing behind the most targeted person in the entire Empire. A few cigarettes weren't going to be what killed him.



Lerutan certainly was more relaxed than he should be. He must be too confident of victory. He took a sip from a cup next to his chair. "This coffee is cold!" was his remark. Outside dozens of ships were exploding and the occasional shot was hitting their shields and fizzled out. Lerutan had spent his entire adolescent and adult life in the Imperial military. Whether it was natural to have ships blow up around him, or he was completely nuts escaped him. Then again, it could be both. Lerutan sat down in his captain's chair, reclined it back, and watched the battle with a smug look. Several minutes passed as intricate display of flashing lights and detonations danced around on the view screen. He wasn't a master tactician, but it appeared that the Rebels were losing many more ships than the Imperials. A few of the planetary defenses were destroyed or overrun. One by one the lights so bright that could be viewed from orbit went out. Blue clouds were visible on the view screen.



All the while the crew was shouting information at the admiral. He was calm and answered most of the statements with, "Acknowledged major." Then came a statement that peaked the admiral's interest, he instantly sat up and barked, "Are their any other reports of damage to the ships systems?"



"Just some aft torpedo tubes disabled... wait... something else's coming in. Major Brutus is reporting that there are intruders near barrack 103b indigo... Sir, he's saying that he's facing Jedi... I lost the transmission."



"You should have reported any damage to the ship, however minor, immediately! How else could sustain damage if the shields are still at 95%? Fool!" With that Lerutan gave the major a Force slap and stood up. "Darth Liche, Darth Geanosclyde, Darth Fred and 4 other Sith-in-training and defend the shield generator. Darth Meadist, Darth Seadist, and Darth Claw follow me to my personal armory. The rest of you stay here and prepare the bridge defenses."



He quickly picked out his 4 rookie Dark Jedis. "(wheeze) Follow me (cough). We have no time to waste (hack)!"



One of the responses from the peanut gallery was, "When do we ever have time to waste?"



Quickly the 7 of them started to sprint, but Darth Fred tripped over the foot rest of the captain's chair. Once he got up, with a grumbling remark from the admiral, they started off toward the shield generator. It was quite a sprint from the bridge. He was quite out of breath when they reached it. After recovering a few minutes from leaning against the wall, he began to sense for others. He rest of his lightsaber yielding entourage were behind him, with the exception of Darth Fred, who was struggling a few minutes behind. There were other lesser humanoid life forms around them, including a surprised and uninformed Stormtrooper security squad already assigned to protect the shield generator. He sensed no Jedis. It was just like the cave back on Ru. He sent the Stormtrooper squad out to guard the entrance of the corridor. He'd be able to feel when they died, and so get his early warning usually afforded directly by his senses.



He and the rest of group ignited their lightsabers and waited. He and Fred (if he ever showed up) were in the traditional Dark Jedi hoods and robes, as were the rookies. Darth Claw and Darth Geanosclyde were in officer's interior uniform. The rest had the standard sabers, but he had the double lightsaber, which he referred to as the lightstaff. Eventually, he felt Darth Fred running down the corridor to the shield generator room. He could hear the wailing in the distance. "Yahhh, what did I ever do to you?" Darth Fred kept running and he felt the Stormtroopers die. Darth Fred wasn't competent or stupid enough to eliminate a squad of Stormtroopers so quickly.



"They're coming! Follow me." he started forward. At the entrance of the monstrously huge room he saw 5 Jedis chasing a witless Darth Fred down the hall. Once Fred saw the 6 Dark Jedis coming forward, he stopped, regained his nerve, and turned to face his pursuers. It was 7 on 5, good odds. He charged forward leading the rest of his group toward the charging Jedis. He locked sabers with a rather dirty, blackened Jedi. What had happened to him? As the lightsaber pulsed and crackled as the Jedi slowly forced the blades toward him. Well, he'd locked one of his blades, but the lightstaff had two blades. With a forward movement of the body, he brought the second blade through the Jedi, cutting him in half with a diagonal slit through the chest to the abdomen.



Further crackling and sparking as the rest dueled behind him. He heard a scream, it sounded like Darth Fred's. It was followed by the rattle as his lightsaber hit the floor. Before he could turn around and look, he heard something behind him. He turned around and saw a some green Jedi charging at him. He had no hair, but green blobs of flesh that were curved. His lightsaber was held above him ready for a downward chop. Surprised, he used a Force Push to send the green alien flying through the air toward the wall. He landed on it with his feet and pushed off just as his lightstaff impaled the wall were the alien used to be. Quickly he parried a thrust from the alien behind his head. He spun around and using flowing, fast movements attempted to beat down the Jedi's guard. This one was much faster than the one he had cut in half. With all his slashes parried, he noticed the aliens fatal error. He didn't keep his thumb on the switch of his lightsaber. With a quick motion of The Force his lightsaber was off. He gave the Jedi a jump kick to the face. The alien lay on the ground and a quick downward thrust killed him.



He now had time to take a quick look around. The 2 Jedi he had killed and 3 Dark Jedi were dead on the floor. One of the 3 remaining Jedi, a female from the look of it, was taking on 3 of the rookies and putting them to shame. She parried a thrust from one of them, while kicking another one in the abdomen that was behind her, then ducked a stroke from the third. In a few seconds she jumping off the head of one of the rookies. But where the two other Jedis? The whirr of a lightsaber to left and right told him he had just been flanked. He could hear the footsteps as they ran towards him. No time to think, plan, or trick, he did the only thing he could. He ducked and held his lightstaff level above him, one end pointing at each of his attackers. To his surprise he heard 2 screams, one male and one female. He looked up and saw each Jedi was impaled on an end of the lightstaff. Then each dropped their lightsabers and fell backwards in unison. He got up and surveyed his handiwork: 4 Jedis in less than 2 minutes. He didn't want to be caught unaware, so he turned to look at the last living Jedi. She was about to finish off a rookie that lay on the ground when she got a lightsaber to the back from a rookie behind her. The one on the ground rolled off to the side as she fell down. He looked around and saw the third rookie that had been dueling her. He was groggily, slowly getting up from sitting against the wall. Judging from the dent in the wall above him, he'd received a rather nasty Force Push into the wall.



There, all five Jedis were dead, and we'd only lost 3 Dark Jedi. He was quite winded and lay for a few seconds wheezing against the wall. He was about to say, "We got them all. The admiral will be pleased," when two more Jedis came around the corner. They advanced slowly, taking in all information. 4 living Dark Jedis, 3 dead Dark Jedis, and 5 dead Jedis, 0 living Jedis.



Both were male, one spoke softly to the other, "See what happens, Alexander, when they don't wait for the leader? I told them to wait for ol' Marcus, but no. They had to rush ahead." Then his face went grim, and charged forward shouting, "Freedom!"



The other Jedi, having more sense, turned around and ran away shouting, "Longevity!" The one that charged forward took out a rookie with a chop. Poor guy was the one that had smashed against the wall. Anyway, a quick stroke of the lightstaff decapitated the nuisance.



"You two (hack), go guard the console. (wheeze) Send a transmission to the admiral asking him for immediate backup.(wheeze) I'll take out the last one before he gathers reenforcements (cough)." With that he ran forward and was about to round the corner the last Jedi come from, when an ignited lightsaber was thrust out from around the corner. His head ran into it.



Alexander pondered his situation. He was the last Jedi left to take the shield generator. He'd taken out the apparent leader, and two Dark Jedi were left. How could he take them both out? He spied the double lightsaber of the leader. With a Force Pull it was with him behind cover. He used his own lightsaber to cut the double lightsaber in 2 normal lightsabers. With those two in hand he stepped out from behind the wall he had been hiding behind. He threw both lightsabers, one at each Dark Jedi next to what appeared to control console of the glowing, humming contraption, which he hoped was the shield generator. One was trying do something on the console and didn't even see it coming and slumped to the floor. The other one did see it coming and jump up 5 meters to avoid it. That lightsaber sliced through some circuitry, causing a small explosion that threw the still midair Dark Jedi down a shaft in the room that had no visible bottom. That Dark Jedi's scream still barely audible, he rushed to the console. Which button to push? He couldn't just hack away at it. It could just cause another explosion that would kill him and leave the generator operational. He needed to press the right button. He was a chef before he went to an academy, not an engineer. Lacking a better candidate, he pressed the red button.