Repercussions, Part 5



Spike laughed. How was that soul thing working out for him, that was the question, now, wasn't it? Should he tell her about the trials that nearly killed him? Should he explain how agonizing the initial return of his soul felt, that he now knew what being ripped out of heaven truly felt like? Should he tell her about the days he lay in that cave unable to move, from pain which was not physical, but emotional? Or how about the embarrassment of begging Giles for aid, threatening suicide on his front stoop if he refused; only after did he realize that Rupert had already pulled him inside.

"It's working out alright," he said.

She nodded. She wouldn't push it. He was trying to protect her, and she would let him, this time. Being this close to him, inches away on the sofa, was so strange. He was the same, and not the same, and it was hard to pinpoint the differences, but they were there. Some were easier to see than others.

"Your hair..." she said.

"Yeah," he grinned, running his hands through it. "Willow says she likes it this way. Says I look 'current,' which I'm told is a good thing. What do you think, is she tellin' tales? Can't exactly judge for myself."

His hair was longer and wavy, grown out at the roots, but still bleached on the ends. "She's right," Buffy said, "you look good." It was, perhaps, the first complement she'd ever given him.

He looked down at his hands, then back up at her through his long lashes. "How are you, Buffy?"

The way he said this, the way he looked at her, made her realize this wasn't a casual 'hey, how are you?' inquiry. The intensity of his gaze brought tears to her eyes. "I'm a lot better," was all she could think to say.

"Good. I was hoping you would be." His jaw clenched and he looked up at the ceiling. "Buffy..."

"You don't have to say it."

"Yeah, I do." He looked into her eyes. "I'm so sorry for what I did to you."

"I know," she said quietly. "So sorry you went off and got yourself a soul. Wasn't that kind of...extreme?"

He laughed. An abrupt, strangely humorless sound. He rubbed the back of his neck. "When I left Sunnydale, I just couldn't stand myself anymore. Because of everything. Because of what I did to you. Because you didn't love me. I couldn't.exist.that way anymore. So, since this chip in my head wouldn't let me be a proper monster, I decided to try for the only thing I knew that might make me able to be a man."

"You could have tried to get the chip out," she said quietly.

"But that would have hurt you," he said.

"You thought if you had a soul, that I could love you," she said softly, almost to herself.

"Yeah, ironic, isn't it?"

"Ironic?" she asked, confused.

"Yeah, now that I have a soul, I realize how stupid that line of thinkin' is. And after spending so much time with Willow, I finally realize that you've been right all along. We can never be together, you and I."

She stared at him. She'd seen the looks, the whispers, the little touches between the two of them. This couldn't be, could it? "Willow? You're in love with Willow?"

He looked surprised. "No, pet. I love Willow, but we're just friends. You do remember that she's gay, don't you?" he asked with a wink.

'Well, if anyone could make a girl change her mind...' Buffy thought.

"No, it's just, we spent a lot of time talking about ourselves while we were at Giles's. She told me about her and Tara, and how it was between them, what they meant to each other. How she felt when they were together, when it was good between them. And I realized that I wanted that. I want someone to love who loves me back. Dru and me, we had a corrupted version of that, I s'pose. But I don't want corrupted anymore. Prob'ly sounds stupid, and I prob'ly don't deserve it, anyway, but..."

"Everyone deserves love, Spike."

"Well, I know showing up with a soul isn't going to make you love me. I thought that way before, but now I see how ridiculous it was."

"I'm sorry for the way I treated you," she whispered.

"I know, slayer. But let's face it. We're not good for each other. I've been gone now for how many months, and look how great you're doin'." He smiled at her. "I always wished I could be the one to make you happy. But I see that's just not how it is. And I can accept that now."

"Spike, it wasn't your fault, how messed up I was. You have to know that."

"Thanks for saying that, Buffy. But I know I didn't help. Not like I wanted to. Anyway, I hope it won't bother you having me around again."

"No, no of course not."

He got up, walked toward the door and opened it, picking up his blanket. "If you ever need any help with patrol, or anything, let me know. If it won't be too weird for you. Let me tell you, the vamps Bath had to offer were a sad and pathetic lot."

"Well, we seem to be having a run on pretty tough vamps lately, so I could use some help."

"Good." He smiled. "Take care, Buffy." He paused, his hand still on the knob. "You know, I really hope that maybe we can be...friends."

She nodded and smiled, and he stood framed in the doorway, just looking at her for a moment. Then he put his blanket over his head and left, shutting the door behind him.

Buffy curled up on the sofa, and cried.

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"You actually got the 'let's be friends' speech?"

"Uh huh." Buffy shoved another spoonful of Vanilla Swiss Almond into her mouth. Dawn had come home and found her on the sofa, staring into space, and had quickly administered premium ice cream therapy. She hid a stash in the back of the freezer for just such emergencies.

"O.K., tell me exactly what he said."

Buffy blew her nose. "He said, 'I really hope we can be friends.'"

"What about before that?" Dawn asked. She took a spoonful of Coffee directly from the carton.

"He said that I was right, that we weren't good for each other and he wants to find someone who will love him back." She started crying again, and Dawn shoved the box of tissues closer to her sister.

"Do you love him?"

"I don't know! But I always thought he'd love me, and now I thought maybe, there'd be a chance..."

"Did he say that he doesn't love you anymore?" Dawn asked, licking the back of the spoon.

Buffy thought for a moment. "No, not exactly."

"See, then there's hope!" Dawn said brightly.

"No! No hope! Hope is bad! Hope will beat your face to a pulp and leave you to die in an alley!" She got up and ran crying from the room. Dawn stared after her, open mouthed.

"What the hell was that?" She shrugged, and reached across the table for Buffy's container of ice cream.

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"Well, I see that at least you've cleaned the place up," smiled Willow. She looked around at what was most likely a living room. It was hard to tell, since every flat surface was covered with newspapers, pizza boxes and empty beer bottles.

"Uh, sorry. Didn't know you'd be dropping by." Xander smiled sheepishly and began gathering items and carrying them into the kitchen.

"I'd offer to twitch my nose and do the whole 'Bewitched' thing for you, but I'm no more magic girl," Willow called from the living room.

"No more at all, as in ever?" Xander asked, walking back in from the kitchen. "Is that what the coven wants you to do?"

A space was cleared, and they sat down together.

"No, not exactly. They say when I'm ready I can use magic for what it's intended for, to help people. But I don't trust myself. And I don't know if I ever will."

Xander put his arm around her and squeezed. "Magic or no magic, I'm really glad you're home, Will. I missed you."

"I missed you, too."

"Didn't miss Spike much," said Xander, "though you and he seem to be pretty tight these days."

Willow sighed. "You're my best friend, Xan, and you always will be. But he's a part of my life now, too."

"Are you two...?"

"Just friends. Gay now, remember?"

"Praise the Lord, at least one of the women in my life has resisted his charms. So, you got to be friends because he's, like, a completely different person with the soul now, or what?"

"He's not so different. Except for the overwhelming guilt and agonizing pain, which he pretty much has a handle on, I think."

"Thanks to you, I'm thinking," said Xander.

"Xander, the world might be gone now if it wasn't for you. But I might be gone if it wasn't for him. He really helped me. He understands things that you can't because you haven't done what we've done."

"How can you compare yourself to him?" he asked, angry now. "He's a serial killer, for God's sake, Will!"

"Two, two thousand, two hundred thousand. Does it really matter how many?"

"I'm thinkin', yeah, it does matter."

" I know, he was a killer, Xander. But he's a vampire, that's what they do. And he changed himself, made himself a better man."

"Yeah, so he can get in Buffy's pants again."

"Xander, he just wants what we all want. Somebody to love. Surely you can understand that."

Xander shook his head and went into the kitchen to get himself a beer.



TBC