Metal gear solid 3:
Raiden's Revenge
Chapter Zwei: Raiden's Quest/Shasky's Preview of HELL!! (That's Deutch, for all you dummies ((that's German, for all you dummkopfs)))
Solid Snake, completely oblivious to the outrageously, obscene happenings that had.have been happening.ARE happening, secretly infiltrated the secret headquarters of.BILL GATES (aka SATAN, LORD OF DARKNESS!!!!!!!!!). As he quietly walked through the hordes of computers, cubicles, and nerds, he made sure to avoid all humans. Of course, he did screw up once when that hot secretary bumped into him when she was going for coffee, but she's was pretty stupid so she didn't notice, didn't even get a question mark above her head, and, and, and. Anyhow, he very quickly strode and then finally got to 'ol Billy-Bawb's very very own office, where Snake hurriedly rolled (if only to look really spiffy) and came up, gun in hand. This time, instead of using his tranquilizer-modified Beretta M-9, he whipped out his silenced SOCOM gun, to take down this most heinous of the Patriots. He found an insanely big leather chair that was turned. A scrawny, pathetic, utterly NERDY hand stroked a lizard, which happened to be pretty nerdy too. Thus, he was named Ned the Nerdy Lizard, but that's not part of our story. "I was expecting you, Mr. Snake," said an irritatingly high nasal voice that would make even OTACON shiver, "and I see that you have procured the Patriot's List. You should know what that is, you know, the list with the Patriots on it? Even a cretin like YOOOUUUU would know what that is." Snake blinked. And then he blinked a few more times. Then he said, "You're really gay. And you said the 'C' word. Time to die, poindexter.but what IS a poindexter, really?" Billy shrugged. "I dunno." "Wait a minute!" Snake stood up, and slowly approached the chair. "The REAL Bill Gates would NEVER say 'dunno'! He's way too smart for that! Then, you must be." Otacon stepped out from behind the chair. "THAT'S RIGHT, SNAKE! IT'S ME!!" "I wasn't gonna guess YOU. I actually thought it would be Raiden pretending "he's" smart, but." Snake shrugged. "Don't make fun of Raiden, you-you-you-you poopypants!" Snake put his hands up like a bunny. "Ooh, I'm so-so-so-so-so sad. OTACON called me a POOPYPANTS! Ooh, ooh, ooh, eek, eek, eek! I.am.so.FRICKIN'.AFRAID! Oh no! Maybe I should wun away! Hewp, hewp! Oh, wait, NO!! Up yours, Otacon!" Otacon buried his face in his hands. "Shut up!" But Snake had just started. "This is just the first missile of the payload, Ottercon. Why don't you just go home and watch your SailorMoon vids? LOOOOSEEEER! *cough*Ohmygoshwhatafrickinloserheshouldjustgohomeandeathispockyandthengetin tohislittleHeerosuitandwatcholdepisodesofMobileSuitGundamthatherecordedandha swatchedoverandoverandboughtaDVDburnerjusttoputthatonDVD!*cough*." Otacon glared. "Clever." Snake shrugged. "Your incredible loser-ness is sucking everything out of the air, including anything REMOTELY cool. Wait, not cool. Kewl. There we go." "SILENCE! I sense a shift in the point of view, as if the story is going to show the perspective of a different character, like Raiden or a bad guy, or, or, or, or, or.something!" Snake did the whole 'blink routine' again. Then he said, "Like that's gonna happen. Seriously, would that ever really happen, that's frickin impossible, and anyway, y-"
In the middle of San Diego, Shalashaska tries to get Raiden's head unstuck from a fire hydrant. Shasky groaned as he pulled, "That is the stupidest thing I've ever seen, and Raiden, couldn't you at least wear some CLOTHES!?" "But when Solidusth made me naked, it was stho muchth fun, and-" "Shut up, queer!" "I'm not a queer, I've got feelingsth too, ya know! I'll beat you up! I wasth the best child-tholdier around!" "Bring it, loser! You were the best 'tholdier' in frickin' SMALLVILLE!" "Lithen, girlfriend, I'm not gonna take any of your crap! Z-formathion! Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh!" Raiden continued to snap his fingers in Z-formation, whatever the GAY that is. Ocelot was tempted to rip off his arm and beat Raiden with it, thereby slaying two queers with one body part. "Don't even think it, you stupid Russkie.what what? If you try, I'll call Harry Potter on you!" "SHUT UP LIQUID QUEER!" "Bring it, fool! I'm going to whup your non-tea drinking arse down SO HARD you are gonna.uh." Ocelot sighed and kept pulling.
Later, at the hotel, Ocelot woke up, hearing Weird Al's "I Think I'm a Clone Now" while Liquid hummed along. "Why are you listening to this, Misfit Snake?" "Ha, ha, ha. I'll have you know this is my theme song, pip pip!" "Do you have a life; you pick out your own theme song!" "Like I said, I'm a freaking limb, limbs don't have lives, numbnuts, and I'm attached to YOU!" screamed the right hand which was now inexplicably a hand puppet. "You already used that insult in the last chapter, you British freak." "Do you have a problem with British people, you Russian freak!?" "Ooh, PISSQUID the original hand puppet. Hand puppet stings Ocelot's self- esteem. Feel my tears," said Ocelot, as he wiped his nose on Liquid. "Sick, you KGB! What does KGB mean anyway?" "It means KILL GAY BRITS!" screamed Shalashaska (wow, I typed that) as he bit Liquid. Meanwhile, Raiden looked out at the stars and said, "I'll find you sthomeday, Thnake." He started singing. "Somewhere out theree.beneaaath the paaaale moon skyyyy-" Suddenly, a laser sight appeared on Raiden's chest and started moving up to his white girly head.
Sniper Wolf, in the building across from them, wondered why her hair was green as she aimed at the femme in the hotel room. In the End inexplicably turned on, since she might as well be dead since she loves Otacon. What a fruit. "I usually don't work for free," she muttered to herself, "But this is a service project. Girl Scouts is so unfair sometimes. I mean selling those cookies, and."
Meanwhile, in the hotel room, Shasky noticed the sight and shouted, "Raiden! Whatever you do, don't DUCK! Don't MOVE! LOCK YOUR KNEES AND HOLD STILL, NUMBNUTS! SHUT UP LIQUID!" Raiden, being the obedient gaywad (and also being in a daze fantazing about Solidus ((I know.))) did not move. Just when Shasky was sure of his success, Raiden's blood got cut off and he fainted.
Meanwhile, in Cleveland, Roy the soda guy felt inexplicably sad and disappointed.
Wolf squeezed the trigger, and the bullet merely but a nock in the bed. Cursing, she got up. "Aww, rats."
Meanwhile, in Shasky's mind.(here we go again.the Patriots are forcing us.)
I can't believe Wolf missed! I think that was Wolf.I'd recognize that abnormal green hair anywhere. She told me she ate a weird fish when she was a little girl and that's why. What a freak. She's a frickin' Kurd exiled from Iraq, for crying out loud! She and Saddam (S-Dawg) should hang. I could hook 'em up, he's my homey. Me and him, we're tight. He wouldn't give me his beret, but he's so frickin' jealous of my awesome 'stash. He tries to imitate me, but he's got nothin' on me, it looks like a Mexistash. But he's got lots of AKs.and with lots of AKs; he's got lots of bullets. That bullet is in the mattress. Gonna make it frickin' hard to sleep.but I think I'll just let Raiden curl up at my feet. This is what I get for buying a one-man room. Dang the Patriots. But back to bullets.Metal Gear REX had bullets. I think old-skool is so much kewler than that gay new RAY. Hey, that rhymed! I like Dr. Seuss. But RAY has no arms. I WISH I HAD NO ARMS EITHER, LIQUID GAY! [Is that the best you could come up with, Revolver Leapord?] Did you spend this whole FRICKIN' TIME thinking of THAT!? Puh-leeze! You are such a loser, Nitwit Snake! [Oooh. Now I'm sad. What now, you gonna shoot me in the arm?] Where else would I shoot you, you nude sock puppet? [*blush*] There are five million arms in this world, and I get stuck with some arm that's not even proportionate to my body, you're a fricking balloon, you BADyear Blimp (heh heh)! You've got such girly fingers, it's like you're going to go crochet and eat your tea and crumpets! [That's cro-SHAY, not cro-CHET! And I'll have you know tea is very good for a long life!] LIKE YOU CARE, YOU'RE BLOODY DEAD! [Hey! You swore at me!] In Russia we don't give a !$@# about your fancy-pants $!#@@# cursing, you !$#@-ing !$@#%#@$!(%!#$(^@#!&$)@#!$P{#@!$!@#(&%&!@#%&!@#$$()@#&%O!U@#$R#$!%}#!@$!@#:" %{@!#%_!@#_$*@#)$!$^*%#$!&%_(&%&%$&$%&%$FATTY!@#%^#$!@^%$*&^%*&*^$**&%*:"(*| ){(|&*({#%^&@{$%^}#$@&*():*%(}{"&*&}$*:%^&}$:&*breath*!@#$@#$!^%#%"@#$?#!@# $!#@%#$!^|$#%!!!!!! [You have to take a BREATH when you insult in your MIND!? YOU SUCK, you take oxygen to think!? You are suck a cretin, I've got more intelligence in my wittle pinky-naiw, you bloody PULTROON!] I'm not a pontoon. AAARGH!
Ocelot woke up and found out that Raiden was gone. "Oh, crap."
Meanwhile, Raiden hunted down Wolf, to ask her where she had bought those CUTE shoes. "Sup, Girl. Where'd you get thoseth cutey shoesth? I find that heelth are kinda hurtful to my heelth, ethpecthially when I'm out doing thecret agent thtuff. Tho I wath looking for heelth that are high but not too high, then I thaw thoth shoes, and I thought, oh, thoth have RAIDEN written all over them!" Sniper Wolf broke down and wept. Then she screamed to the sky, "WHYYYYYYYY!!!!! OF ALL THE CHARACTERS HIDEO COULD'VE PICKED, HE PICKED THIS FREAK!! HE'S LIKE A BACKSTREET BOY REJECT, THEY ATE HIM AND THEN CHEWED HIM UP, SWALLOWED HIM, AND VOMITED HIM, HE'S LIKE PURE VOMIT, HE'S WALKING VOMIT, HE'S JUST VOMITVOMITVOMITVOMITVOMIT!!" Meanwhile, Raiden had been happily droning on, oblivious to the screaming, crying, sadsadsad Sniper Wolf. Finally, sniffling, she fell to the ground, and curled up in fetal position and probably went insane. Raiden kept droning.
Ocelot, meanwhile, ran underneath, watching the scene unfolding on the roofs above. Hurriedly, he pulled out a Kleenex and wiped his eyes in sadness for the now demented Sniper Wolf, although this had only taken her insanity further. She's in love with Otacon, how can you be sane and do that!? Ocelot hurried to the elevator, where he waited between to excessively large women whose incredible body odor smote him exceedingly, yea verily, even unto death, yea, even a ceasing of life. And it came to pass Ocelot got deodorant and offered it up unto them, as to destroy the body odor thereof. And behold, the two women were exceedingly pleased with this offering of deodorant, thus Ocelot hath been accepted as King of Fat Amazons of Tika-Tak Island, also known as the headquarters of Slim-Fast. But that is another story. Shalashaska 10:8 Finally at the top, Shasky hurried out of the elevator, to find Raiden still rambling, and Wolf curled up on the ground, muttering something about the bananas that flew and spoke to her. "And then they told me to explode Shalashaska's car, and then they told me to switch to pads, and-" Shasky stroked his 'stash. "So that's what happened!" Then he walked up to Raiden and smote him upon the head. "Raiden! I've just inexplicably found out where Snake is!" "Huh? Where, where, WHERE!" squealed Raiden, hopping up and down. "He's scheduled...for an episode on Jerry Springer, and coincidentally, so are we! Let's go!"
Meanwhile, at the Jerry Springer studio, the crowd hypnotically chants, "Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!" Jerry Springer walked on-camera and said, "Today, we've got a few very special guests. First, we've got a.um.Shasskorka all the way from Russia! Let's give him a big hand!" "This is Hades! We're going to sit down and freakin' talk about our freakin' problems and end up freakin' throwin our freakin' chairs in a freakin' brawl that'll just have more freakin' cops comin' in an' freakin' arrestin' us all! Dang the freakin' Patriots!" "Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!" The crowd chanted even louder. "Our next guest is very, very, very...special.and you know what I mean when I say special." Jerry said while smiling. "JERRY! JERRY! JERRY! JERRY! JERRY! JERRY! JERRY! JERRY!" "Please Welcome...Miss Raiden from right here in Frisco!" "Hello, all youth beeeutifal people!" Raiden said as he hugged Jerry, and threw roses into the crowd. Man in Crowd: AAAGH! MY EYE!! "Um.kay. Next is everybody's favorite secret agent.A mister Hater!" "You did not speel mai naeme rong, didd u?" "Um, no" "Ok, then I'll let you live.but I still hate your show!" "Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!" "Sthnake! You've come for me at lastht! My questht isth over!" Raiden squealed as he hugs Sthnake..uh, I mean, Snake. "Raiden! Get the @!#$&@%$#%$#%$#^$# offa me!" Snake shouted. "Hey, you didn't swear." Ocelot mumbled. "I know he didn't, but random bleeps make people giggle inside." Jerry responded. "Fruit. Everyone knows that this show isn't about dialogue anyhow," said Ocelot, standing up. "Everyone knows.it's all.about..THIS!" He picked up his chair and hurled it at Jerry. Same Man in Crowd: AAARGH! MY LEG! Jerry smiled at his expert dodging. "You don't have a chance, Russkie- boy." Snake stood up as well, SOCOM drawn. "Hey! No one can dodge the expert throwing-arm of Revolver Ocelot.except.a PATRIOT!" Jerry grinned evilly. "Like I said. You don't have a chance. Same Man: Help me! Please! Jerry spun and shot him. He turned again and was just about to speak when: Man: You shot me! You shot me in the arm! You- Jerry shot him again. Silence. Suddenly, Liquid spoke up. "That was frickin' kewl." Ocelot screamed at his arm, "YOU SHUT UP!" Suddenly, Snake ran forward, and held his gun to Jerry's chest. "Freeze!" Jerry was suddenly frozen with terror. Then Snake moved his aimer down to Jerry's happy-fun-tiddlywinks. Jerry smiled. "Not gonna work, FOXHOUND." Snake thrust his gun at Jerry's face. "That's PHILANTHROPY, loser, not FOXHOUND!" and then he pulled the trigger and shot Jerry in the head, who screamed a looooong time as all Metal Gear bad guys must, and then fell to the ground in a gigantic spray of blood. And so, another Patriot died. Snake grinned and dramatically blew the smoke away from the SOCOM barrel. Then he slowly lit a cig and was bringing it to his lips when- "Thnake, that wath THE cooletht thingle thing I have theen, and it jutht addth to your hotneth! Even though your hotneth wath here, now your hotneth ith tho amazing it maketh me pee my panties," he said as is suit turned a darker hue. Shalashaska: *cough*Ohmyfrickin'plagaristIhateyouI'mgonnakillyoutodaywithmyawesomekillerC oltSingleActionArmyRevolver!*cough* Snake glared. "You can't do that." Ocelot looked back. "Yes I can." "No, there is a limit. Don't you know anything, retard?" Liquid spoke up. "Exactly!" Snake pointed his gun at the arm. "You will shut up, gaywadarmbeastlyuglythingthatisstucktoShasky." Ocelot's veins stood out on his face as he screamed, "WHY DO YOU PEOPLE CALL ME SHASKY!?" "Cuz itsth tho much cuter than Shalamoskeymo!" said Raiden, hands clasped. Everyone shuddred. Oh crap, SHUDDERED. Sorry. I'm a bad typer, and while I'm on the subject.oh, wait, wait. Back to Snake. Snake blinked and started to speak. "And then you But what about me? I wish I had a girlfriend. People keep calling me gay. I'm not gay, really, and if anyone just would look deep, and search for feelings, and what we truly are inside, I think we can all just Snake: SHUT UP FAGGOT! Fine! Liquid: Who are you talking to, numbnuts? Snake: Wonko the Sane. He's such a loser, and there's the Ojikage looking over his shoulder and incessantly poking his ribs for no real reason. Ocelot: What a fruit. He's as fruity as Wolf. *Wolf runs through laughing her head off and scattering flowers* Viteros: Why.are we in script format? Wonko: Cuz you frickin' wrote it this way, numbnuts! Viteros: Shut up, buttmunch! Snake: You both shut up! *Skies turn dark and thunder flashes ominously. The studio lifts into the air and begins spinning faster and faster* Liquid: No, please! Forgive us our sins! Shasky:: Quit sucking up to those losers! *25 RAYs march into the studio* Raiden: I give up! Pleath! *Snake pulls out Stinger*: BRING IT!! Viteros: Let's end this chapter here. It makes no sense anymore. Wonko: OOOOHH yes it does! Viteros: Shut up, freak. Wonko: Oh, you wanna go!? Viteros: I'll whip your arse down into the ground. (Oh, it rhymes!) You can't fight worth a- Wonko: END THE CHAPTER NOW!
Author Note: We were on vanilla coke. Sorry. Wonko isn't really gay. Viteros: YES YOU ARE!!
Chapter Zwei: Raiden's Quest/Shasky's Preview of HELL!! (That's Deutch, for all you dummies ((that's German, for all you dummkopfs)))
Solid Snake, completely oblivious to the outrageously, obscene happenings that had.have been happening.ARE happening, secretly infiltrated the secret headquarters of.BILL GATES (aka SATAN, LORD OF DARKNESS!!!!!!!!!). As he quietly walked through the hordes of computers, cubicles, and nerds, he made sure to avoid all humans. Of course, he did screw up once when that hot secretary bumped into him when she was going for coffee, but she's was pretty stupid so she didn't notice, didn't even get a question mark above her head, and, and, and. Anyhow, he very quickly strode and then finally got to 'ol Billy-Bawb's very very own office, where Snake hurriedly rolled (if only to look really spiffy) and came up, gun in hand. This time, instead of using his tranquilizer-modified Beretta M-9, he whipped out his silenced SOCOM gun, to take down this most heinous of the Patriots. He found an insanely big leather chair that was turned. A scrawny, pathetic, utterly NERDY hand stroked a lizard, which happened to be pretty nerdy too. Thus, he was named Ned the Nerdy Lizard, but that's not part of our story. "I was expecting you, Mr. Snake," said an irritatingly high nasal voice that would make even OTACON shiver, "and I see that you have procured the Patriot's List. You should know what that is, you know, the list with the Patriots on it? Even a cretin like YOOOUUUU would know what that is." Snake blinked. And then he blinked a few more times. Then he said, "You're really gay. And you said the 'C' word. Time to die, poindexter.but what IS a poindexter, really?" Billy shrugged. "I dunno." "Wait a minute!" Snake stood up, and slowly approached the chair. "The REAL Bill Gates would NEVER say 'dunno'! He's way too smart for that! Then, you must be." Otacon stepped out from behind the chair. "THAT'S RIGHT, SNAKE! IT'S ME!!" "I wasn't gonna guess YOU. I actually thought it would be Raiden pretending "he's" smart, but." Snake shrugged. "Don't make fun of Raiden, you-you-you-you poopypants!" Snake put his hands up like a bunny. "Ooh, I'm so-so-so-so-so sad. OTACON called me a POOPYPANTS! Ooh, ooh, ooh, eek, eek, eek! I.am.so.FRICKIN'.AFRAID! Oh no! Maybe I should wun away! Hewp, hewp! Oh, wait, NO!! Up yours, Otacon!" Otacon buried his face in his hands. "Shut up!" But Snake had just started. "This is just the first missile of the payload, Ottercon. Why don't you just go home and watch your SailorMoon vids? LOOOOSEEEER! *cough*Ohmygoshwhatafrickinloserheshouldjustgohomeandeathispockyandthengetin tohislittleHeerosuitandwatcholdepisodesofMobileSuitGundamthatherecordedandha swatchedoverandoverandboughtaDVDburnerjusttoputthatonDVD!*cough*." Otacon glared. "Clever." Snake shrugged. "Your incredible loser-ness is sucking everything out of the air, including anything REMOTELY cool. Wait, not cool. Kewl. There we go." "SILENCE! I sense a shift in the point of view, as if the story is going to show the perspective of a different character, like Raiden or a bad guy, or, or, or, or, or.something!" Snake did the whole 'blink routine' again. Then he said, "Like that's gonna happen. Seriously, would that ever really happen, that's frickin impossible, and anyway, y-"
In the middle of San Diego, Shalashaska tries to get Raiden's head unstuck from a fire hydrant. Shasky groaned as he pulled, "That is the stupidest thing I've ever seen, and Raiden, couldn't you at least wear some CLOTHES!?" "But when Solidusth made me naked, it was stho muchth fun, and-" "Shut up, queer!" "I'm not a queer, I've got feelingsth too, ya know! I'll beat you up! I wasth the best child-tholdier around!" "Bring it, loser! You were the best 'tholdier' in frickin' SMALLVILLE!" "Lithen, girlfriend, I'm not gonna take any of your crap! Z-formathion! Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh!" Raiden continued to snap his fingers in Z-formation, whatever the GAY that is. Ocelot was tempted to rip off his arm and beat Raiden with it, thereby slaying two queers with one body part. "Don't even think it, you stupid Russkie.what what? If you try, I'll call Harry Potter on you!" "SHUT UP LIQUID QUEER!" "Bring it, fool! I'm going to whup your non-tea drinking arse down SO HARD you are gonna.uh." Ocelot sighed and kept pulling.
Later, at the hotel, Ocelot woke up, hearing Weird Al's "I Think I'm a Clone Now" while Liquid hummed along. "Why are you listening to this, Misfit Snake?" "Ha, ha, ha. I'll have you know this is my theme song, pip pip!" "Do you have a life; you pick out your own theme song!" "Like I said, I'm a freaking limb, limbs don't have lives, numbnuts, and I'm attached to YOU!" screamed the right hand which was now inexplicably a hand puppet. "You already used that insult in the last chapter, you British freak." "Do you have a problem with British people, you Russian freak!?" "Ooh, PISSQUID the original hand puppet. Hand puppet stings Ocelot's self- esteem. Feel my tears," said Ocelot, as he wiped his nose on Liquid. "Sick, you KGB! What does KGB mean anyway?" "It means KILL GAY BRITS!" screamed Shalashaska (wow, I typed that) as he bit Liquid. Meanwhile, Raiden looked out at the stars and said, "I'll find you sthomeday, Thnake." He started singing. "Somewhere out theree.beneaaath the paaaale moon skyyyy-" Suddenly, a laser sight appeared on Raiden's chest and started moving up to his white girly head.
Sniper Wolf, in the building across from them, wondered why her hair was green as she aimed at the femme in the hotel room. In the End inexplicably turned on, since she might as well be dead since she loves Otacon. What a fruit. "I usually don't work for free," she muttered to herself, "But this is a service project. Girl Scouts is so unfair sometimes. I mean selling those cookies, and."
Meanwhile, in the hotel room, Shasky noticed the sight and shouted, "Raiden! Whatever you do, don't DUCK! Don't MOVE! LOCK YOUR KNEES AND HOLD STILL, NUMBNUTS! SHUT UP LIQUID!" Raiden, being the obedient gaywad (and also being in a daze fantazing about Solidus ((I know.))) did not move. Just when Shasky was sure of his success, Raiden's blood got cut off and he fainted.
Meanwhile, in Cleveland, Roy the soda guy felt inexplicably sad and disappointed.
Wolf squeezed the trigger, and the bullet merely but a nock in the bed. Cursing, she got up. "Aww, rats."
Meanwhile, in Shasky's mind.(here we go again.the Patriots are forcing us.)
I can't believe Wolf missed! I think that was Wolf.I'd recognize that abnormal green hair anywhere. She told me she ate a weird fish when she was a little girl and that's why. What a freak. She's a frickin' Kurd exiled from Iraq, for crying out loud! She and Saddam (S-Dawg) should hang. I could hook 'em up, he's my homey. Me and him, we're tight. He wouldn't give me his beret, but he's so frickin' jealous of my awesome 'stash. He tries to imitate me, but he's got nothin' on me, it looks like a Mexistash. But he's got lots of AKs.and with lots of AKs; he's got lots of bullets. That bullet is in the mattress. Gonna make it frickin' hard to sleep.but I think I'll just let Raiden curl up at my feet. This is what I get for buying a one-man room. Dang the Patriots. But back to bullets.Metal Gear REX had bullets. I think old-skool is so much kewler than that gay new RAY. Hey, that rhymed! I like Dr. Seuss. But RAY has no arms. I WISH I HAD NO ARMS EITHER, LIQUID GAY! [Is that the best you could come up with, Revolver Leapord?] Did you spend this whole FRICKIN' TIME thinking of THAT!? Puh-leeze! You are such a loser, Nitwit Snake! [Oooh. Now I'm sad. What now, you gonna shoot me in the arm?] Where else would I shoot you, you nude sock puppet? [*blush*] There are five million arms in this world, and I get stuck with some arm that's not even proportionate to my body, you're a fricking balloon, you BADyear Blimp (heh heh)! You've got such girly fingers, it's like you're going to go crochet and eat your tea and crumpets! [That's cro-SHAY, not cro-CHET! And I'll have you know tea is very good for a long life!] LIKE YOU CARE, YOU'RE BLOODY DEAD! [Hey! You swore at me!] In Russia we don't give a !$@# about your fancy-pants $!#@@# cursing, you !$#@-ing !$@#%#@$!(%!#$(^@#!&$)@#!$P{#@!$!@#(&%&!@#%&!@#$$()@#&%O!U@#$R#$!%}#!@$!@#:" %{@!#%_!@#_$*@#)$!$^*%#$!&%_(&%&%$&$%&%$FATTY!@#%^#$!@^%$*&^%*&*^$**&%*:"(*| ){(|&*({#%^&@{$%^}#$@&*():*%(}{"&*&}$*:%^&}$:&*breath*!@#$@#$!^%#%"@#$?#!@# $!#@%#$!^|$#%!!!!!! [You have to take a BREATH when you insult in your MIND!? YOU SUCK, you take oxygen to think!? You are suck a cretin, I've got more intelligence in my wittle pinky-naiw, you bloody PULTROON!] I'm not a pontoon. AAARGH!
Ocelot woke up and found out that Raiden was gone. "Oh, crap."
Meanwhile, Raiden hunted down Wolf, to ask her where she had bought those CUTE shoes. "Sup, Girl. Where'd you get thoseth cutey shoesth? I find that heelth are kinda hurtful to my heelth, ethpecthially when I'm out doing thecret agent thtuff. Tho I wath looking for heelth that are high but not too high, then I thaw thoth shoes, and I thought, oh, thoth have RAIDEN written all over them!" Sniper Wolf broke down and wept. Then she screamed to the sky, "WHYYYYYYYY!!!!! OF ALL THE CHARACTERS HIDEO COULD'VE PICKED, HE PICKED THIS FREAK!! HE'S LIKE A BACKSTREET BOY REJECT, THEY ATE HIM AND THEN CHEWED HIM UP, SWALLOWED HIM, AND VOMITED HIM, HE'S LIKE PURE VOMIT, HE'S WALKING VOMIT, HE'S JUST VOMITVOMITVOMITVOMITVOMIT!!" Meanwhile, Raiden had been happily droning on, oblivious to the screaming, crying, sadsadsad Sniper Wolf. Finally, sniffling, she fell to the ground, and curled up in fetal position and probably went insane. Raiden kept droning.
Ocelot, meanwhile, ran underneath, watching the scene unfolding on the roofs above. Hurriedly, he pulled out a Kleenex and wiped his eyes in sadness for the now demented Sniper Wolf, although this had only taken her insanity further. She's in love with Otacon, how can you be sane and do that!? Ocelot hurried to the elevator, where he waited between to excessively large women whose incredible body odor smote him exceedingly, yea verily, even unto death, yea, even a ceasing of life. And it came to pass Ocelot got deodorant and offered it up unto them, as to destroy the body odor thereof. And behold, the two women were exceedingly pleased with this offering of deodorant, thus Ocelot hath been accepted as King of Fat Amazons of Tika-Tak Island, also known as the headquarters of Slim-Fast. But that is another story. Shalashaska 10:8 Finally at the top, Shasky hurried out of the elevator, to find Raiden still rambling, and Wolf curled up on the ground, muttering something about the bananas that flew and spoke to her. "And then they told me to explode Shalashaska's car, and then they told me to switch to pads, and-" Shasky stroked his 'stash. "So that's what happened!" Then he walked up to Raiden and smote him upon the head. "Raiden! I've just inexplicably found out where Snake is!" "Huh? Where, where, WHERE!" squealed Raiden, hopping up and down. "He's scheduled...for an episode on Jerry Springer, and coincidentally, so are we! Let's go!"
Meanwhile, at the Jerry Springer studio, the crowd hypnotically chants, "Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!" Jerry Springer walked on-camera and said, "Today, we've got a few very special guests. First, we've got a.um.Shasskorka all the way from Russia! Let's give him a big hand!" "This is Hades! We're going to sit down and freakin' talk about our freakin' problems and end up freakin' throwin our freakin' chairs in a freakin' brawl that'll just have more freakin' cops comin' in an' freakin' arrestin' us all! Dang the freakin' Patriots!" "Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!" The crowd chanted even louder. "Our next guest is very, very, very...special.and you know what I mean when I say special." Jerry said while smiling. "JERRY! JERRY! JERRY! JERRY! JERRY! JERRY! JERRY! JERRY!" "Please Welcome...Miss Raiden from right here in Frisco!" "Hello, all youth beeeutifal people!" Raiden said as he hugged Jerry, and threw roses into the crowd. Man in Crowd: AAAGH! MY EYE!! "Um.kay. Next is everybody's favorite secret agent.A mister Hater!" "You did not speel mai naeme rong, didd u?" "Um, no" "Ok, then I'll let you live.but I still hate your show!" "Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!" "Sthnake! You've come for me at lastht! My questht isth over!" Raiden squealed as he hugs Sthnake..uh, I mean, Snake. "Raiden! Get the @!#$&@%$#%$#%$#^$# offa me!" Snake shouted. "Hey, you didn't swear." Ocelot mumbled. "I know he didn't, but random bleeps make people giggle inside." Jerry responded. "Fruit. Everyone knows that this show isn't about dialogue anyhow," said Ocelot, standing up. "Everyone knows.it's all.about..THIS!" He picked up his chair and hurled it at Jerry. Same Man in Crowd: AAARGH! MY LEG! Jerry smiled at his expert dodging. "You don't have a chance, Russkie- boy." Snake stood up as well, SOCOM drawn. "Hey! No one can dodge the expert throwing-arm of Revolver Ocelot.except.a PATRIOT!" Jerry grinned evilly. "Like I said. You don't have a chance. Same Man: Help me! Please! Jerry spun and shot him. He turned again and was just about to speak when: Man: You shot me! You shot me in the arm! You- Jerry shot him again. Silence. Suddenly, Liquid spoke up. "That was frickin' kewl." Ocelot screamed at his arm, "YOU SHUT UP!" Suddenly, Snake ran forward, and held his gun to Jerry's chest. "Freeze!" Jerry was suddenly frozen with terror. Then Snake moved his aimer down to Jerry's happy-fun-tiddlywinks. Jerry smiled. "Not gonna work, FOXHOUND." Snake thrust his gun at Jerry's face. "That's PHILANTHROPY, loser, not FOXHOUND!" and then he pulled the trigger and shot Jerry in the head, who screamed a looooong time as all Metal Gear bad guys must, and then fell to the ground in a gigantic spray of blood. And so, another Patriot died. Snake grinned and dramatically blew the smoke away from the SOCOM barrel. Then he slowly lit a cig and was bringing it to his lips when- "Thnake, that wath THE cooletht thingle thing I have theen, and it jutht addth to your hotneth! Even though your hotneth wath here, now your hotneth ith tho amazing it maketh me pee my panties," he said as is suit turned a darker hue. Shalashaska: *cough*Ohmyfrickin'plagaristIhateyouI'mgonnakillyoutodaywithmyawesomekillerC oltSingleActionArmyRevolver!*cough* Snake glared. "You can't do that." Ocelot looked back. "Yes I can." "No, there is a limit. Don't you know anything, retard?" Liquid spoke up. "Exactly!" Snake pointed his gun at the arm. "You will shut up, gaywadarmbeastlyuglythingthatisstucktoShasky." Ocelot's veins stood out on his face as he screamed, "WHY DO YOU PEOPLE CALL ME SHASKY!?" "Cuz itsth tho much cuter than Shalamoskeymo!" said Raiden, hands clasped. Everyone shuddred. Oh crap, SHUDDERED. Sorry. I'm a bad typer, and while I'm on the subject.oh, wait, wait. Back to Snake. Snake blinked and started to speak. "And then you But what about me? I wish I had a girlfriend. People keep calling me gay. I'm not gay, really, and if anyone just would look deep, and search for feelings, and what we truly are inside, I think we can all just Snake: SHUT UP FAGGOT! Fine! Liquid: Who are you talking to, numbnuts? Snake: Wonko the Sane. He's such a loser, and there's the Ojikage looking over his shoulder and incessantly poking his ribs for no real reason. Ocelot: What a fruit. He's as fruity as Wolf. *Wolf runs through laughing her head off and scattering flowers* Viteros: Why.are we in script format? Wonko: Cuz you frickin' wrote it this way, numbnuts! Viteros: Shut up, buttmunch! Snake: You both shut up! *Skies turn dark and thunder flashes ominously. The studio lifts into the air and begins spinning faster and faster* Liquid: No, please! Forgive us our sins! Shasky:: Quit sucking up to those losers! *25 RAYs march into the studio* Raiden: I give up! Pleath! *Snake pulls out Stinger*: BRING IT!! Viteros: Let's end this chapter here. It makes no sense anymore. Wonko: OOOOHH yes it does! Viteros: Shut up, freak. Wonko: Oh, you wanna go!? Viteros: I'll whip your arse down into the ground. (Oh, it rhymes!) You can't fight worth a- Wonko: END THE CHAPTER NOW!
Author Note: We were on vanilla coke. Sorry. Wonko isn't really gay. Viteros: YES YOU ARE!!
