Repercussions, part 8
Buffy lingered in front of the Magic Box window for a moment, trying to decide whether to go inside. The sign had already been turned over from "open" to "closed," and she could see him moving around inside. He had been counting out the drawer when she arrived, and now he locked the cash register. Next he walked over to the research table - the new, completely and deliberately unlike the old research table - and picked up some books that were lying there, reshelving them in their proper location. As he bent to pick something up off the floor, she saw him pause and put his hand to his head, massaging his temples, and then running his hands through his hair. He rolled his shoulders, trying to work the kinks out. 'He looks tired,' she thought, 'I should just leave.' That's when he turned around and looked directly at her. He smiled and held his hand up, signaling her to wait, put the last book away, and then came over and unlocked the door.
"I see those vampire senses work through plate glass," she said.
"Somethin' like that." Up close she could see that he really did look tired.
"Are you o.k.?" she asked.
"Yeah, why?" He reached behind the counter and grabbed his coat, still black, still leather, but much shorter in length.
"You just look a little tired."
"I'm fine, no worries. Want some company on patrol?"
"No, you don't have to." She watched him slip into his coat, and thought of the other black leather jacket hanging in her closet at home. He hadn't mentioned it, and neither had she.
"That's why you came by, innit?"
"Well, yes."
He began walking toward the back. "Then let's go kick a little demon ass" he said with a grin.
And kick ass they did. The vampires had been particularly numerous and nasty lately, and Buffy was glad to have Spike there for more reasons than one. He had only been patrolling with her a couple of times since he'd returned, and she had been pleased to see that they still had that unspoken communication when they fought together, and she still got a thrill out it. He anticipated her every move, and she his.
Until that last vamp, that is.
She went for the roundhouse kick, the vamp ducked, and Spike's face connected solidly with her boot. He hit the ground hard, and Buffy staked the vamp, then crawled over to Spike, where he lay on his back, holding his head in his hands.
"I'm so, so sorry. Are you alright?" She kneeled over him.
"Yeah, yeah, it's not your fault. I got in the way. Besides, you didn't kick me that hard."
"Let me see," she said, pulling his hands away. There was only a small mark on his face, but his eyes were filled with pain. "I think I see...yeah, genuine leather uppers...."
He laughed and rolled over, getting to his feet. "Don't tease a bloke with no reflection."
They walked slowly back to her house, and when they stopped in front she did what she'd wanted to do the other nights he'd patrolled with her, but had been too chicken to. She asked him in.
"I don't think so, Buffy. Not tonight."
Rejection. She wanted to run into the house and hide under her covers, but she took a deep breath and plowed ahead. "Oh, come on. I'll make you hot chocolate, with those little marshmallows. And I'll even throw in an ice pack. What do you say?"
He hesitated, trying to think of what to say to her. And the worst thing was, she could see that it wasn't because he was conflicted. He was trying to let her down easy. He wasn't coming in.
"Buffy, that's sound great, but my head really hurts. I think I'll just go home. Maybe some other time." He gave her a half wave and started to walk away.
"Spike!" she called after him.
He turned around, and she couldn't quite tell if that pinched look on his face, the one that he was trying to hide, was because his head hurt, or because he was annoyed and just wanted to leave.
"I'm sorry I kicked you. I didn't mean to hurt you."
His face softened. "I know, slayer. Hazards of the job and all that. Wasn't your fault, I told you that. Besides, kinda had a bit of a headache to begin with. Must be all that tiny hand writing of Giles's I'm always trying to read."
"Yeah, that must be it. Good night, Spike."
He gave her a tired smile, and then walked away.
************************************************************************
The following day, Buffy called Willow and arranged to meet her for lunch at the on-campus pub. As she sat waiting for her and sipping on an iced tea, Buffy looked around at all the college kids, people her age, chatting over burgers and text books. She was a bit envious, but she didn't truly want to be them anymore. This wasn't her world, and she knew it.
"Hey, Buffy!" Willow slid into the chair across from her, throwing her backpack down on the floor. "What's up?"
"Just missed you. Needed the girl talk," Buffy said truthfully. "How is it, being back on campus?"
"It's good, really. It's nice to have a routine." Willow grinned. "You know me. The only person I know who loves homework. How are you doing? You look a little down."
The waitress came by then and they ordered their food. Buffy swirled her straw around in her glass, clinking the ice cubes against the sides. Willow waited patiently.
"I, uh, we never really talked about me and Spike," she finally said.
"No, we didn't," Willow said softly. "I wish you had confided in me."
"I couldn't. I just...couldn't, not then."
"What about now?" Willow asked.
"There's nothing to confide now. There is no me and Spike." Their food arrived and Buffy took a bite of a French fry.
"So, is that why you brought it up? Because there's nothing to talk about?"
Buffy let out a little laugh "Right. Well, I...I miss him," she sighed. "I kept telling him to move on, and when he finally left, I couldn't stop thinking about him. And now that he's back, I miss him more than ever. But it doesn't matter. He doesn't feel the same way about me anymore."
"Is that what he said?" Willow struggled to keep her voice neutral. She didn't really want to be in this position, but she cared about both of them.
"Sort of. He just wants to be friends."
"What do you want?" Willow asked between bites of salad.
"More."
"More as in sex or more as in a relationship?"
Buffy shook her head and smiled ruefully. "He gave you all the gory details, didn't he?"
"It wasn't like that, Buffy. We were both in a really bad place. He needed someone to talk to."
"You must think I'm a terrible person, the way I treated him." She toyed with another fry, dipping it in and out of a dollop of ketchup on her plate.
Willow set down her fork. "Buffy, I'm so not with the judgement when it comes to relationship behavior. I did a terrible thing to Tara. Twice. And it cost me a lot of time with her. I love both you and Spike, and I just want you to be happy. Spike..." she hesitated, wondering how much she should say. "Spike feels...bad is not a strong enough word...for how he behaved. As for how you treated him, well, it's complicated. I think at this point it's safer for him to believe that it's entirely hopeless."
Buffy's eyes filled with tears. "But I've changed, and so has he. I think it could be different this time."
"Have you told him that?" Willow asked.
"No. I'm afraid. I'm afraid he'll laugh in my face, or worse, he'll be all rational and adult about it and I'll be all blithering idiot." She looked up from her plate.
"Maybe you should just give it some time, see what happens. He's dealing with a lot of stuff right now, Buff."
"I know, I know, but patience. A virtue. Not mine." Buffy pushed her plate aside. "Will, I'm not asking you to reveal any confidences. But, do you think I have a chance? I just don't want to make a fool out of myself."
Willow smiled sadly. "If you really want him, Buffy, you might have to risk it."
"I know," sighed Buffy. "Love is just one whole big risky thing."
TBC
Buffy lingered in front of the Magic Box window for a moment, trying to decide whether to go inside. The sign had already been turned over from "open" to "closed," and she could see him moving around inside. He had been counting out the drawer when she arrived, and now he locked the cash register. Next he walked over to the research table - the new, completely and deliberately unlike the old research table - and picked up some books that were lying there, reshelving them in their proper location. As he bent to pick something up off the floor, she saw him pause and put his hand to his head, massaging his temples, and then running his hands through his hair. He rolled his shoulders, trying to work the kinks out. 'He looks tired,' she thought, 'I should just leave.' That's when he turned around and looked directly at her. He smiled and held his hand up, signaling her to wait, put the last book away, and then came over and unlocked the door.
"I see those vampire senses work through plate glass," she said.
"Somethin' like that." Up close she could see that he really did look tired.
"Are you o.k.?" she asked.
"Yeah, why?" He reached behind the counter and grabbed his coat, still black, still leather, but much shorter in length.
"You just look a little tired."
"I'm fine, no worries. Want some company on patrol?"
"No, you don't have to." She watched him slip into his coat, and thought of the other black leather jacket hanging in her closet at home. He hadn't mentioned it, and neither had she.
"That's why you came by, innit?"
"Well, yes."
He began walking toward the back. "Then let's go kick a little demon ass" he said with a grin.
And kick ass they did. The vampires had been particularly numerous and nasty lately, and Buffy was glad to have Spike there for more reasons than one. He had only been patrolling with her a couple of times since he'd returned, and she had been pleased to see that they still had that unspoken communication when they fought together, and she still got a thrill out it. He anticipated her every move, and she his.
Until that last vamp, that is.
She went for the roundhouse kick, the vamp ducked, and Spike's face connected solidly with her boot. He hit the ground hard, and Buffy staked the vamp, then crawled over to Spike, where he lay on his back, holding his head in his hands.
"I'm so, so sorry. Are you alright?" She kneeled over him.
"Yeah, yeah, it's not your fault. I got in the way. Besides, you didn't kick me that hard."
"Let me see," she said, pulling his hands away. There was only a small mark on his face, but his eyes were filled with pain. "I think I see...yeah, genuine leather uppers...."
He laughed and rolled over, getting to his feet. "Don't tease a bloke with no reflection."
They walked slowly back to her house, and when they stopped in front she did what she'd wanted to do the other nights he'd patrolled with her, but had been too chicken to. She asked him in.
"I don't think so, Buffy. Not tonight."
Rejection. She wanted to run into the house and hide under her covers, but she took a deep breath and plowed ahead. "Oh, come on. I'll make you hot chocolate, with those little marshmallows. And I'll even throw in an ice pack. What do you say?"
He hesitated, trying to think of what to say to her. And the worst thing was, she could see that it wasn't because he was conflicted. He was trying to let her down easy. He wasn't coming in.
"Buffy, that's sound great, but my head really hurts. I think I'll just go home. Maybe some other time." He gave her a half wave and started to walk away.
"Spike!" she called after him.
He turned around, and she couldn't quite tell if that pinched look on his face, the one that he was trying to hide, was because his head hurt, or because he was annoyed and just wanted to leave.
"I'm sorry I kicked you. I didn't mean to hurt you."
His face softened. "I know, slayer. Hazards of the job and all that. Wasn't your fault, I told you that. Besides, kinda had a bit of a headache to begin with. Must be all that tiny hand writing of Giles's I'm always trying to read."
"Yeah, that must be it. Good night, Spike."
He gave her a tired smile, and then walked away.
************************************************************************
The following day, Buffy called Willow and arranged to meet her for lunch at the on-campus pub. As she sat waiting for her and sipping on an iced tea, Buffy looked around at all the college kids, people her age, chatting over burgers and text books. She was a bit envious, but she didn't truly want to be them anymore. This wasn't her world, and she knew it.
"Hey, Buffy!" Willow slid into the chair across from her, throwing her backpack down on the floor. "What's up?"
"Just missed you. Needed the girl talk," Buffy said truthfully. "How is it, being back on campus?"
"It's good, really. It's nice to have a routine." Willow grinned. "You know me. The only person I know who loves homework. How are you doing? You look a little down."
The waitress came by then and they ordered their food. Buffy swirled her straw around in her glass, clinking the ice cubes against the sides. Willow waited patiently.
"I, uh, we never really talked about me and Spike," she finally said.
"No, we didn't," Willow said softly. "I wish you had confided in me."
"I couldn't. I just...couldn't, not then."
"What about now?" Willow asked.
"There's nothing to confide now. There is no me and Spike." Their food arrived and Buffy took a bite of a French fry.
"So, is that why you brought it up? Because there's nothing to talk about?"
Buffy let out a little laugh "Right. Well, I...I miss him," she sighed. "I kept telling him to move on, and when he finally left, I couldn't stop thinking about him. And now that he's back, I miss him more than ever. But it doesn't matter. He doesn't feel the same way about me anymore."
"Is that what he said?" Willow struggled to keep her voice neutral. She didn't really want to be in this position, but she cared about both of them.
"Sort of. He just wants to be friends."
"What do you want?" Willow asked between bites of salad.
"More."
"More as in sex or more as in a relationship?"
Buffy shook her head and smiled ruefully. "He gave you all the gory details, didn't he?"
"It wasn't like that, Buffy. We were both in a really bad place. He needed someone to talk to."
"You must think I'm a terrible person, the way I treated him." She toyed with another fry, dipping it in and out of a dollop of ketchup on her plate.
Willow set down her fork. "Buffy, I'm so not with the judgement when it comes to relationship behavior. I did a terrible thing to Tara. Twice. And it cost me a lot of time with her. I love both you and Spike, and I just want you to be happy. Spike..." she hesitated, wondering how much she should say. "Spike feels...bad is not a strong enough word...for how he behaved. As for how you treated him, well, it's complicated. I think at this point it's safer for him to believe that it's entirely hopeless."
Buffy's eyes filled with tears. "But I've changed, and so has he. I think it could be different this time."
"Have you told him that?" Willow asked.
"No. I'm afraid. I'm afraid he'll laugh in my face, or worse, he'll be all rational and adult about it and I'll be all blithering idiot." She looked up from her plate.
"Maybe you should just give it some time, see what happens. He's dealing with a lot of stuff right now, Buff."
"I know, I know, but patience. A virtue. Not mine." Buffy pushed her plate aside. "Will, I'm not asking you to reveal any confidences. But, do you think I have a chance? I just don't want to make a fool out of myself."
Willow smiled sadly. "If you really want him, Buffy, you might have to risk it."
"I know," sighed Buffy. "Love is just one whole big risky thing."
TBC
