Fandom: Yami no Matsuei
Title: Naritai…
Pairing: Hisoka + Tsuzuki, Tatsumi + Tsuzuki, Watari + Tatsumi, Muraki + Tsuzuki
Rating: PG
Description: This is an analysis fic from the perspective of each main character of YnM about longing...

Disclaimer: Yami no Matsuei's not mine.

Naritai... (I want to become…)
by Miyamoto Yui

Chapter 3 / Tatsumi - Charity.

"Namida ga afureru," I hummed to myself as I entered an empty room to find some kind of peace. It was a song I'd heard on the radio.

That's right. Tears are overflowing.
Everywhere.

Sighing, I slumped into a chair and took off my glasses, rubbing my face from the reality I'd seen: The child had died. Someone had killed that child with their own hands.
And when the woman cried in Tsuzuki's arms, his eyes looked at Hisoka. Then, he lowered them as he hugged her back.

But I knew…
He himself wanted to cry.

Sometimes he doesn't understand himself and that's where I come in. I try to provide all the answers.

That's all I can do. Provide answers for you.
And yet, I never answer or deny my own.

Comfort? Do I really provide you comfort Tsuzuki? Your eyes look like they're going to cry. And I want to cry with you. But that cannot be.

It's not my place anymore.

"You take care of him," I said to Hisoka as I patted his shoulder. With that, I was supposed to give up on you, Tsuzuki.

I laughed to myself as I swerved the chair a bit, tapping my fingers nervously on the table in front of me. "Ha," I answered myself. "That's as easy as telling myself, 'You'll quit.'"

I almost did quit this business. And you know why?
I couldn't stand seeing you.

I got jealous one time. Jealous to the point I almost took you in my arms and kissed you. But when your purple eyes blinked innocently at me, I knew better.
I couldn't take advantage of you. I was doing the wrong thing. My emotions shouldn't override good judgment.

It was the way you glimpsed at Hisoka that one time. And the way he looked at you.

My hands were trembling in my pockets when I saw that mutual glance. Whether it was from pain, loss, anger, jealousy...I couldn't tell at that moment.

I'm a calm and collected person. Only, I somewhat lose this composure whenever I'm with you. How long can I keep up this charade? Behind my silence, there was too much to bear. There is too much to tolerate.

And if you knew who I was before…
…would you accept me as you do now, Tsuzuki?

Even I'm doubtful about that. This is the stem of my insecurity.

"We must respect his wishes," I'd said to Hisoka. I watched him giving me a look of defiance.
I was a coward, I know. I didn't know if I was strong enough to stop you, Tsuzuki. But then again, I didn't want to see you like this.

I'd seen you lose your mind before. That's why I knew what was happening, repeating like that time I was with you in Kyoto when we were partners.
Last time, I was the one to save you.

But in the process, I lost myself too.

You woke up after being unconscious, but I was the one who pulled you from that fire. I saved you first.
It was then that I knew I loved you more than as my friend and partner.

I hugged you and whispered, "It's all right. Don't worry. It isn't your fault."
But you trembled with fear and dazed eyes while protesting, "…is."
I shook my head.

There was nothing I could do.
But I can't just accept it. I can't just watch this like sand running through my fingers.

I want to become the one that comforts you. For always.
I want to hold you and tell you that everything's all right. But I can't. I'd be lying to you and that's the last thing I'd ever want to do to you.

I shook my head.

But you wouldn't know that. I'd never let you know.

This will stay where it should: Locked in some place within my soul unable to opened. Only if you voluntarily come to me.

I'm so frustrated.
I love you to the point that I'd let you do something that was bad for you. Under the pretense of 'I respect your wishes because this is the decision you've made.'

Was I wrong to say and do that?

I sighed.

What the hell am I thinking about? Why now?

Putting my glasses on, I folded my hands in contemplation. And as if you'd heard me, you came into the room.
"Tatsumi..." you mumbled.

There. That's the look that makes me bleed.

He came to me and grabbed my shirt again with tears in his eyes. I embraced him with my head on top of his.

You only show me your innermost feelings. These are the emotions you never show the world. Your true self is when you're with me.

I know that. I know many things that you don't, Hisoka. And you must find them yourself.
Tsuzuki is a fragile person. As fragile as broken glass with a million pieces. Like an ice cube slowing melting away.

Then, you strangely asked me, "Lie to me, Tatsumi."
"I never cared about you," I replied harshly. His arms grabbed to me even harder.

This is all I have, Hisoka. Please don't take it away from me.
Please…Please don't take him away from me.

My eyes closed painfully as I hugged him tighter.

I'm too late.
Hisoka…You have Hisoka's scent.

I held onto his shirt lightly, but it was in pointless anguish.

Little by little, I'm giving you away, Tsuzuki.
And it isn't by choice.

Tsuzuku…
-
Author's note: I beat my personal record. Four fanfics! ^_^v Hope you like it though.
I know this perspective of Tatsumi is strange. He isn't so calm in my fic. But I thought that there must be a balance, like Kasumi in Ranma. You can't be that way unless it's a reaction to something else. But if you must know, Tatsumi's my second favorite next to Hisoka in YnM.

08/02/2002