Fandom: Yami no Matsuei
Title: Naritai…
Pairing: Hisoka + Tsuzuki, Tatsumi + Tsuzuki, Watari + Tatsumi, Muraki + Tsuzuki
Rating: PG
Description: This is an analysis fic from the perspective of each main character of YnM about longing...
Disclaimer: YnM isn't mine.
Naritai... (I want to become…)
by Miyamoto Yui
Chapter 4 / Watari - Love.
I held the door and opened it to find a distraught Hisoka sitting on the desk before me. It was something rare to see so I was very concerned, to say the least.
"Hey, what's up?" I asked with my cheerful voice.
"Nothing." He shook his head.
"You're still thinking about the case, aren't you?" I nodded my head understandingly as I patted his shoulder. "And about Tsuzuki."
His expression didn't change.
"I…I just want to be alone right now. I'm sorry," he mumbled.
Nodding my head with an affirmative, I left the room, but before I did so, I threw him a piece of calpi candy.
"Don't think too much. You just have to get used to it. Tsuzuki's attached, let's just say."
I smiled and winked at him. "That's why you like him so much."
He managed to crack a smile for me. "Thanks."
"That's what friends do," I said matter-of-factly while closing the door.
Once again, I searched for a room. My bad luck was just as bad as my drawing skills. I sweatdropped.
Watch this door be with-Oh my. It is.
"Hi guys!" I greeted with a sweatdrop running down my forehead. "I'm sorry if I interrupted anything."
Right in front of me, Tatsumi was hugging Tsuzuki. In slight alarm, Tatsumi averted his gaze away as Tsuzuki let go of him to wipe his eyes.
"No, come in."
I shook my head as I tried to keep my eyes from staring at them. To calm myself, I patted Tsuzuki on the head.
"Here, have a piece of candy." I randomly took one from my pocket and quickly got another one. "In fact, have two."
Tsuzuki gave me a skeptical look. "You didn't spike these, did you?"
"I swear, I didn't." I gave a sigh of appalled shock. "I can't believe you'd think so lowly of me."
"You've done it before."
"So I have." Smiling sincerely at him, I dropped more pieces into his hand. "Here, have two more. It's my medicine for today."
And with a wave, I quickly left. "See you guys later!"
But I was no longer heading to my lab today. The chemist inside of me didn't want to come out.
Well, not after seeing that scene.
My eyes lowered to the ground as I took my jacket and left the office altogether. As I looked up to the bright afternoon sky, I felt even sadder.
The child…Hisoka was so worried about the child and now, he's so worried about Tsuzuki. Tatsumi sees Tsuzuki's distress and is comforting him.
I chuckled to myself as I squatted down to take a leaf into my hand, twirling it around.
Funny how life and love are.
Standing up, I let the leaf go with the wind as it fell into the lake before me.
The park was so peaceful even though there were so many people. Leaning on the railing, I watched the water.
"I keep on acting like there's nothing wrong in the world. Not a care." I sighed.
I remember that person from long ago who helped me in school. I wasn't so calm as I am now. I was so pretentious that I got myself to the ER once. That's how I decided to become a doctor. To help people like myself. And that special person I held in my heart had never known I made that decision because of them helping me.
For everything. I could never thank you for anything.
For a moment, I couldn't breathe as I felt my heart become hard within me.
But I cannot draw you. That's just a fake spirit, isn't it? It's just not the same.
What I would give to have you back here. But life and love are so twisted that I don't want to deal with it anymore.
In a way, you were cruel. You were my best friend and then you leave me. It wasn't out of malice. You just had to move away. We went our separate ways as friends. I have nothing to show for it though. Only my life.
I want to draw you.
My heart sank lower.
But I'm constantly reminded of you, you know that? Through my friend, Tatsumi.
He even wears his glasses like you did and doesn't talk very much.
But there's a main difference: You were warm. He isn't.
I gulped.
How about if…Tatsumi is your reincarnation in some way?
Sounds strange, I know.
Some part of me wishes it were so. My mind says, 'That's just sick.' My heart says, 'Stop doing this to yourself.'
I don't ask for much from life anymore. All I want is to become stronger. Strong enough to overcome my feelings and stop running away from myself when I'm alone.
That's all I want right now.
Ripples began to appear before me in the lake. My tears fell to the water exactly as rain does to the pavement when it pours.
It hurts to see something you can't have almost everyday of your life. Even when you were alive I thought this way.
And every time I look at Tatsumi, I'm constantly reminded of this very fact.
And everyday gets a little harder to pretend to be carefree.
Tsuzuku..
-
Author's comment: I really like this. I really like doing this fic.
08/03/2002
