Fandom: Yami no Matsuei
Title: Naritai…
Pairing: Hisoka + Tsuzuki, Tatsumi + Tsuzuki, Watari + Tatsumi, Muraki + Tsuzuki
Rating: PG
Description: This is an analysis fic from the perspective of each main character of YnM about longing...
Disclaimer: Yami no Matsuei is made by Matsushita-sensei.
Naritai… (I want to become…)
by Miyamoto Yui
Chapter 5 / Muraki - Respect.
"Oh, how lovely," I'd commented when I saw the blond doctor looking at the lake before me.
How I wish it were my prey though. If only it were that easy.
I laughed at myself as I left the scene to meander. Meander, I say, with a mission.
Pity. Poor Tsuzuki.
I feel hungry. I feel very hungry indeed.
Because I lived among the shadows, I walked through alleyways. When I took a step onto the street, I retreated within a split second. Looking up, I saw his miraculous shadow approach.
"Caught you," I breathlessly said as I hugged him, enwrapping my arms to keep him from leaving. Pulling him further and further into the dark alleyway, I pushed him against a wall.
"Muraki," he whispered, unamused.
But when I looked at my purple-eyed beauty, I was quite disappointed.
"Such an expression for such a beautiful face," I commented with my eyebrows almost touching one another in concern.
"You killed it, didn't you?" he accused. "I know you did it."
"And what if I did? What are you going to do about it?" I threatened calmly, smiling enigmatically.
Pressing his hands over his head onto the wall, I continued to stare into his radiant eyes.
He didn't say anything and sighed.
"Don't you..." He eyed me severely. "Don't you care about anything?"
"As long as it fulfills my needs, I do."
"Then why did you kill that child? Tell me!"
"That child was going to die within four years, Tsuzuki," I answered as I looked away from him. "He had a bad heart."
"Then why did you kill him and not give him those four years?!"
"Tsuzuki." Sighing, I looked at him and caressed his cheek with my knuckles. "The child's parents didn't tell you that they were related, am I right?"
"Stop lying to me." He started to become angry and more disgusted with me as the seconds passed. "I won't believe it!"
"I was their doctor, Tsuzuki." I took a hold of his chin a bit firmly. "His parents were unmarried first cousins."
Tsuzuki let out a gasp. "I'm not listening to this!"
"You wouldn't know about your parent being adulterous," I replied a little harshly.
"Muraki," he sighed.
The more I look at you, you remind of my hate for Saki. Saki, the brother I'd wanted to become close to. But he had shattered my life as easily as I had taken that child's.
Maybe…I felt sorry for it.
I was sick of the little baby boy looking for a reason to live. He looked like a mirror to me. haunting reflection of myself.
I couldn't stand it.
But I had grown to love Saki in some way. As much hate as I had for him, I wanted him to accept me in some way. I wanted him to care about me.
All I wanted was your respect, Saki.
I began to kiss Tsuzuki's ear and made my way down his body. Tsuzuki just stood there looking to the side, frightened.
Maybe it's just some sick obsession of trying to find your affection towards me, Saki, but as I stood up to kiss Tsuzuki on the neck once more, I laughed inside while pulling his coat and shirt below his shoulders.
Laughing even more, I felt the presence of Hisoka on his body. How very interesting..
"But Tsuzuki," I whispered into his ear. "I love your gentleness. You will never corrupt yourself if you stay this way."
Maybe this had to do with my grandfather and his work. His fascination with Tsuzuki had passed onto me.
He loved Tsuzuki. Quietly or as violently as it was.
I knew that. His logs and pictures didn't have to tell me this.
I brushed Tsuzuki's lips lightly with my own, though I didn't kiss him.
As much as I loved tormenting the boy, I didn't want to defile him with my touch. That's why all I could do was kiss him all over his body.
I love teasing you.
"Tsuzuki…" Embracing him, I placed my head on his shoulder.
I wanted to capture this unknown, desolate feeling deep inside of me that was attracted towards him in some strange way. It gnawed at me until I'dd completely satisfied myself with trying to find him.
"You ask me if I care for anything? Once you're on the path of destruction, there is no turning back. It's like an undying desire trying to be quenched but never is."
I held his neck with both of my hands and looked at him eye-to-eye. "I'm a disgusting man, I know…I know you detest me with all fiber of your being just as much as Hisoka does."
"Muraki," Tsuzuki asked breathlessly, "don't you love anything?"
I want to be free of the chains that bind to my grandfather and my half- brother. I want to become a person again.
A human.
But that can never be.
I carved myself to be inhuman. I had carved my own destructive path.
And so, I wander in the darkness until I finish my goal. Or if someone kills me first.
No one would be crazy enough to truly accept someone as psychotic as myself. Enough to kill me with their hate or protect me with their love.
"I have to kill him with my own hands."
It was then that I buttoned up Tsuzuki's shirt and pushed him away from me.
I have to keep my composure. I almost showed my weakness.
"Get away from me," I commanded as I turned around, walking back into the shadows.
Fear is the same as respect, isn't it, Saki?
Get away before I keep you, Tsuzuki.
Get away before I love you so much, I'll kill you.
Or worse yet…before you lose your gentleness. Just as I had.
Tsuzuku…
-
Author's note: Damn. I even got shivers going down my spine when I made this so I had to stop to think to do this. Maybe I've loved and written too many Seishirou and Subaru fics. Ahahaha. Ahem. He is my third favorite YnM character after all. Yeah, yeah, I know I go for sick people. But then again, you guys will get twisted fics because of this. There is an upside?
Yea! I finished three again today!
I love this chapter too. This is dedicated to you, Kuiama. ^_~
08/03/2002
