Fandom: Yami no Matsuei
Title: Naritai…
Pairing: Hisoka + Tsuzuki, Tatsumi + Tsuzuki, Watari + Tatsumi, Muraki + Tsuzuki
Rating: PG
Description: This is an analysis fic from the perspective of each main character of YnM about longing...
Disclaimer: Yami no Matsuei's not mine. And "Stay Away" is by L'arc en Ciel.
Naritai… (I want to become…)
by Miyamoto Yui
[Final] Chapter 6 / Tsuzuki - Understanding.
I stared at Muraki as he was engulfed by the darkness.
"You can't," I mumbled.
I can't believe my hand is reaching out for you. After what you'd done to me right now and I'd let you.
I watched you kiss me.
Grab.
Muraki didn't turn around, warning, "Let go of me, Tsuzuki."
You're…You're the same as me in some way. I can feel it.
"Look at us. You have become someone inhuman. And I want to become human." I chuckled darkly at our faults. "Isn't that funny, Muraki? Isn't it as twistedly sick as your mind?"
Turning him around to face me, I grabbed his collar. He let me pound his back on a wall of the alleyway. "You think you can pick who lives and who dies? Even if that child's parents were first cousins?!"
"He would have to live with a stain all his life that wasn't made by him," he answered with his eyes like slits.
"But who are you to kill him?!" My hands trembled as I shook my head. "You don't…don't know anything…"
I looked at him in despair. "You know why I let you have your way with me?"
I wanted to find this answer for myself.
"I wanted to know if you really cared for anything."
He just looked at me unmoved.
"And you do." I clenched onto his jacket until my fingers bled from pressing my fingernails into my skin. "You pushed me away because you were scared that I would know."
Silence.
"This is how you kiss someone." Pulling his hair, I kissed him on the mouth with full force and just as passionately as I had with Hisoka, but not as lovingly.
He stared at me in shock. "Tsuzuki."
Even you can be surprised. You must really-
"Wakatta," he said as I let him go. "You win for today, Tsuzuki."
Walking off once more, I stood there watching him.
I don't know why I did that. But I knew that only we understood what that meant. Something beyond words. It wasn't love or obsession.
I thought I would kiss someone who was just a shell. But I was just as astonished to find that his cold body held warm lips.
Hope.
I left even more distressed than ever and walked home quickly.
I wanted to lie in my bed for a while. I didn't even feel like eating. But along the way, I saw something on the ground and picked it up. It was a green jade piece.
"Hisoka…It's like his eyes."
I didn't mean to betray you, Hisoka.
You always try so hard to make me happy and I try to do the same. But I feel like I just cause you more pain. The closer we get, the more I try to push you away.
You even let me touch you and caress your body while I was trying to find why you cared so much for me.
It was then that I realized how far you would let me go.
You would let me do anything. Except die.
And I looked away in shame as I dressed back up while you continued to sit on the desk after putting on your clothes. You stared at me with such sorrowful eyes and I couldn't take it.
"Causes stain, stay away," I'd sung while dressing.
"You shouldn't care so much for me," I whispered after I'd finished.
"I can't help it. You cared about me. Even though you didn't know me, you came to rescue me from Muraki. I never forgot that." He held my hand with both of his. "I'm just telling you that you can come to me too."
My eyes closed painfully. He let go and I left the room.
"Maybe happy. Maybe happy. I dare say I'm happy," I sang softly with a heavy heart.
I was running away from you because I love you, Hisoka.
I'll hurt you too if you stay with me.
Just like with the children a long time ago. They said I was a blemish to the community. And I wondered why. I always thought about that while I was trying to get away.
Doki doki doki.
I slit my wrists, but my body wouldn't let me die.
And still, I wandered around Japan with no purpose. I was angered and disappointed with the fact of why I had to live if no one wanted me at all.
Then…I met Tatsumi.
Someone had died before I could save them. They were burned to ashes even though they were calling out to me.
It was all my fault. I didn't get there in time.
I tried to slit my wrists again and went insane. I laughed so much to take the pain away from me.
"Please kill me," I'd prayed. "No more…I don't want this anymore."
In that abandoned warehouse, I was smiling at the reality of it all. And I wanted to end it. To even try to see if my perfect body would at last be mortal.
It is a burden to live. There are happy moments, but when you know you have the possibility of living forever, what's the point?
"Tsuzuki! TSUZUKI!" I'd never heard Tsuzuki scream so loud in his whole life. I saw him run towards me in the flames with his hands out towards me. I was fading to unconsciousness with my eyes closing as he came closer and closer.
"We have to break up," he said shortly after this incident.
And I hated him for it. He pushed me away when I finally started to show some affection and wanted to trust someone.
But I can't help but love him. He saved my life.
"Do you think I did the right thing?" he'd once asked me after Hisoka had saved me from Suzaku's flames.
It was then that my annoyance and pain vanished. I realized how much he had cared all long. We were the same. We pushed the people that cared for us away.
I looked up to the moon. "Please tell me what to do."
Where did I come from? And where am I going?
A shinigami is a death angel. A human is someone with a compassionate heart and understands humanity in general.
I am neither. And yet I am torn by both.
I don't know what I want though. I'm always going to wander around not knowing what to do. I don't understand myself, what I am, and what I'll become if I keep this up.
The more things I find, the more lost I become.
But I want to continue to understand. And I want someone to understand me. To truly accept me without me being scared to let them know who and what I really am.
I looked down at the green jade in my hand.
All I have is hope.
I turned around to find Hisoka in back of me. We stared at each other in surprise.
"Hisoka." I smiled wistfully. But then I pulled his arms to embrace him. "I'm sorry I ran away again."
Plop. His brown grocery bag fell to the floor.
"It's all right. You know I understand." He hugged me back and I could feel him smiling through his monotonous voice. "You know I am going to get you back."
My eyes closed as I placed my head on his shoulder.
For the first time in my life, I feel like something has been lifted from me.
My guilt for being what and who I am is starting to melt and fade away.
"I will hurt you if you stay with me, Hisoka," I said, almost unable to say my words.
In endearment, he answered firmly, "I don't care."
Owari. / The End.
-
Author's final notes: Okay, so that was REALLY ooc. But I thought it was very thought provoking so that's why I made this chapter. And it was sweet in some sadistic way.
I guess this is really a personal achievement. Eight fics in two days! I'm so happy! And I've finished this fic within a day and a half. ^_^v
I would have started with Hisoka, but then I thought that Tsuzuki is the thread that weaves everything together, so I thought it would better to focus there. Yes, there is nothing really resolved, but I did that on purpose. I myself am troubled if I want Tsuzuki with Tatsumi or with Hisoka. I love both and would be happy if either got him. But as one reader said, "But I hate triangles!" Yes, they do make someone sad, but that's life. * sighs * What can we do? I named the chapters after a prayer that I say every night. "Faith, hope, charity, love and understanding." I thought this would be a nice feel since they are shinigami. The Angels of death tortured. And I picked certain people for specific chapters. But I loved the feel of how they all went together. Plus, I wanted it as 6 for evilness, yet imperfection. Yeah, I know. I think too much. And Akane, I couldn't find your e-mail so I wanted to personally thank you. I was happy when you said I inspired you to make fanart. ^_~ And thanks to you K-chan for pointing out my error! ^_^v
Again, I love love love Hisoka! His green eyes drive me nuts just like Subaru's!
Thank you for reading!
Love,
Yui
08/03/2002
