Welcome to the first edition of "Streets of Seattle

Welcome to the first edition of "Streets of Seattle."  Want to participate?  Visit the "Streets of Seattle" folder at www.delphi.com/darkangelfans/messages  or email jennem@usa.net or reply here (via review) with an email.  Everyone is welcome, and no writing experience is necessary.

PLEASE READ AND REVIEW!  Writers live for feedback, and we've got lots of writers here!

Disclaimer: We do not own the Dark Angel universe, the characters therein, or any details as mentioned in the scripts/episode of Dark Angel.  All other characters and items in this production belong to the respective writers.  However, no profit is sought or will be made from this production.

**********************************

STREETS OF SEATTLE

May 28, 2019

To our readers: The stories appearing in today's STREETS OF SEATTLE have been cleared by the U.S. Army under the provisions of the Martial Law Declaration of 2009 and the National Emergency Declaration of 2010.

Editor in Chief: Jennem1

Managing Editor: Samcrazy

News Editor: Cherokee128

Conspiracy Girl: cg-double-o-nuffin (mousie)

Neighborhood Editor: Norez

Fashion Editor: AndraMarie

Entertainment Editor: Jox5

Opinion Editor: Shnapzie

Black Market Editor: Showtalk

Chief Reporter: Ninja650

Sports Reporter: The Rock

Contributing Reporter: Weirdarchive

Contributing Reporter: Willow771

Contributing Reporter: Olgerth

Contributing Reporter: Dammachine

Contributing Reporter: Wonkavator

Contributing Reporter: Daf9

Contributing Reporter: Sher1616

**********************************

LOCAL NEWS

MYSTERIOUS ASSASSIN.  ARE KILLINGS RELATED?

By Cherokee128

Thursday there was a mass robbery at the Paulnova Estate, Mr. And Mrs. Paulnova along with their 10-year-old child were murdered. The house was completely looted. The estate is located 2 miles east of Seattle. There were no witnesses, and the job was done with terrifying accuracy.

The bodies were found on Saturday, by the cleaning lady. When asked if she knew of anyone who would do anything to her employers, she replied "I've only been working there for a few months, but they were the sweetest people, they were rich, but they helped the community, I don't know who could do such a thing"

Mr. Paulnova's brother in law, Mr. Van Tramp, who lives in the high-rise district of Seattle, was questioned on Sunday, he was released, and gave us a few details "My brother in law was a do gooder, he probably just got on somebody's hit list" But this doesn't explain the looting. This could e written off as a simple robbery gone badly, but with the Paulnova's high security, this is not a feasible solution.

Then on Monday morning, there was another report, almost identical to the Paulnova's. This time it was Mr. Jeffries. This wealthy owner of Robotics Encorp was murdered late Sunday. When he didn't arrive at work the next morning, and didn't answer calls, the police were notified. Once again the house was ransacked. Nothing of any value was left.

Mr. Kiff, Mr. Jeffries co-owner addressed the matter to us. "Mark was not careful, he had all that money, but he didn't spend a cent on security, he was just asking for this to happen." We have looked into the possibility of a planned murder, but have no leads. Are these murders/robberies connected??? Are they crimes for money, nothing more?? Or is it something deeper? We will keep you updated on this for the next few weeks.

SECTOR POLICE GETTING OUT OF HAND???

by Ninja650

There have been reports over the years that the Sector Police have been somewhat "hostile" to the people who plan on passing through the checkpoints.  There have been reports that on some occasions the situation got violent and there were people hurt in these incidents.  But these were viewed as minor situations so no action was taken in trying to prevent such incidents.  The Sector Police now feel a sense of power and have been doing the same things as no punishment came to them.

In the past few weeks the number of Sector Police Brutality acts has risen. There have been more brutality cases in the past month than we have seen in the previous months from the start of this year combined. We have reports that there was one case where a man tried to get from Sector 5 to Sector 6 but was denied access and was eventually beaten to death by the Sector Police.

No witnesses have come forward about this but we are assuming that the incident took place as the man became furious as to why he was denied access to pass the Sector checkpoint. When we questioned one of the guards at the Sector 5/Sector 6 pass he replied, "We have no recollection of such events. Nothing like that happened around here." When questioned further, he remarks, "Excuse me, I have a job to do here." as he pushes away our reporter. The investigation is taking place now to try to find out the reason for the man's death and if it was, in fact, the Sector Police who delivered this beating.

**********************************

CONSPIRACY

CONSPIRACY GIRL

C-G-Double-O-Nuffin

Many are speculating on the recent murders of the wealthy of Seattle. Some blame it on simple burglars, others on gangsters, but *we* know better. At first glance we might see no connection, but I know a guy who knows a guy-no names, and he says the conspiracy runs much much deeper.

Is this some sort of evil plan for the government to obtain the money of our wealthy? Hardly. There is a secret group of elite assassins who have taken it upon themselves to get rid of all who might know of their existence. They are part of a top secret governments project. The name "Area 51" ring any bells? It should. Not only was it used to cover-up the crash landing of alien spaceships, but it was *also* used as a secret training ground for the very elite assassins who now plague our city. If anybody asks, I was never here...

**********************************

BLACK MARKET

NEWS FLASH!

By Showtalk

A major shortage of toilet paper in Seattle has called for urgent measures. Last night, a group of guerilla raiders, identities unknown, left the city on a quest for more rolls. 100,000 cases of paper have been located and airlifted to an unidentified location. Interested parties may contact Jam Pony. Ask for Herbal Thought and say, "Urgent business." Follow his directions. Purchases are limited to one case per household.

**********************************

EDITORIAL

FOOD RATIONING-ARE YOU GETTING YOUR FAIR SHARE?

By Samcrazy

You line up.  You wait.  And finally, you eat.  A daily routine for some, one that hasn't changed for months, maybe?

Wrong.

Sparked off by a recent Eyes Only broadcast, interest has been mounting in the area of food control and distribution in Seattle.  We here at the Streets of Seattle have been looking into the belief that YOUR FOOD RATIONS have been getting smaller.

Why, you may ask?  Why was the first question we asked the Food Dept. of the Seattle council three day ago.

A Mr. R. Prosser, head of the this particular department was quoted to of saying: 'Ridiculous.  Simple rumors started by people who are...angry at the size of their normal, everyday rations.  They believe that in complaining, the already under funded government will do something about it.  We are doing our utmost to keep the rations going.  So, in answer to the original question, no, the rations have not changed in size at all'

However, this paper does not believe in going with the words of paid government employees, so with our team of highly intelligent reports we did background research. A tip off from a person wishing to call himself Mr. X gave us a lead; that down at the docks at the dead of night things of interest occur.  We sent two reporters to check it out.

After a stake out for two hours after midnight, a truck drove up to the edge of the docks, relatively close to our reporters hideout spot.  They made out that two cartfuls of covered packaging were being stored in the compartment of an old oil boat.  When we went to investigate, we found something even more shocking.  Over twenty mothers and children were in the hold of the ship, in dirty, smelly, cramped conditions.  Our guess is that they are being shipped to other places in the US to be sold, for whatever purpose.

So what started off to be a, dare I say it, simple retraction of some food stuffs, turned into a human smuggling case.

Connections were also made with other cases of withdrawn necessities like blankets and clothes, we discovered through other sources that they were being transferred to various slave ships up and down the ports.

Yes, more corruption in our town.  We here at the Streets believe that this is just the tip of the iceberg, and we intend to discover the full extent of these sorts of cases.

Eyes Only, if you are out there, continue to root out the many wrong-doings in Seattle, we'll be listening.

**********************************

OPINION

WHAT MEMORIAL DAY?

By Shnapzie

Memorial Day was traditionally this Monday. It was a day to remember those men and women who made America a better place; a day to reminisce on the lives of passed away loved ones.

Well, those of you who are in possession of a current calendar, glance at this coming Monday. Underneath all your business meetings, black market dealings, and loan "collecting," do you see the pre-printed item "Memorial Day"? No, you don't! Memorial Day is no longer an authentic holiday. The official reason for this is because of "lack of governmental funds."

That is also the reason why Veteran's Day, Armistice Day, and Independence Day are no longer recognized federal holidays.

"Lack of governmental funds" is the reason why these most patriotic of anniversaries are discontinued. These are the holidays that remind Americans of times of nationalism. They remind us of when our nation was the world's power, so great that we would fight and die to defend her.

Is it any wonder, then, that our current government would have a problem with this type of memory? In this day of corruption among the higher-ups, any remembrance of freedom, inalienable rights, and true democracy would be dangerous to their way of life. The government is grasping at straws for any way to keep the public from recalling better days.

But this Monday, on the ghost of past Memorial Days, I will remember, and vow never to forget the golden years of America's glory.

**********************************

LETTERS TO THE EDITOR

Dear Sir/Madam;

I read with interest your recent editorial on the reduction of the rat population in Seattle. Perhaps you were basing your figures on Sector 9, the high-rise district? Because those of us here in Sector 6 seem to have something of an increase.

Actually, I think I've figured it out. The helpful military exterminators simply rounded up all available rats and moved them into the lower-income sectors.

Perhaps you should check your dictionary. In mine, "relocation" and "reduction" do not have the same definition.

Sincerely,

Leonard Raskin

Editor's reply: While we appreciate that Mr. Raskin sent us proof of his claims, we ask that readers do not include objects such as rat tails in their future correspondence.

Dear Sir,

As a member of the local scool board I wish to urge all your readers to get out and vote on next weeks school tax levy. It is awful the way so meny chilrun today can neither read or write good. As parents we must fight to see that our kids get the same swell education that we did. The rumors that this levy is being used to send the school board to Italy are ABSOLUTELY unfounded.

Respectfuly yours,

Anonimus.

Dear Editor,

It has come to my attention that we've been having repetitive intrusions of unmarked black Hummers roaring across our streets as if they owned the city. I was walking my dog in the Safety Zone of Sector Nine when this maniac behind the wheel almost killed me and my poor Basset Hound The 13th Earl of Summerset. It was bad enough I had to double check my blood pressure to keep my Medic Alert Badge from ringing, but my poor pureblood hound suffered such awful stress, I feel he may never breed to preserve his lineage. I feel it's time the citizens of this city stand up to these ruffians and tell them to take their hijinks elsewhere, such as Los Angeles where such rough sport is encouraged. I had thought our brave and noble Sector Police kept the streets peaceful and quiet in my neighborhood, but apparently they just don't care if an innocent man and his dog become another static in the roll call sheet of 'Hit And Run'. I urge the Mayor and the Chief of Police to investigate this matter and arrest these hooligans who prey on our streets like sharks in an aquarium.

This must not continue!

Sincerely,

Windthrop Jenkins, III

Sector Nine, Seattle Military Security Zone.

Deer Editor,

I jest wonted to say that i like yur noospayper. Thay keep me worm at nite, and, if yuo boll them up, thay make a rilly goud pilow. Eny way, i was jest wundring to things. can i get sum free paypers or sumthin, yu no so i can haf a flufy kushin to sleep on insted of on the grownd. Or if yu can get me a job wurkin thair, that wood be grate. So let me no.

ps. i no awl the dirt in da strete so i can rite good stuf.

Dear Editor,

I was disgusted with your front page story last Friday. What is with you vultures? I know the rats are bad...do I need to see pictures of children who have lost limbs to them? It makes me so mad I'm going to stop stealing my neighbor's subscription copy of this rag and switch to stealing the New York Times from the blind vendor down the street.

An irate reader

PS As an added bonus the New York Times not only has book reviews but I find it provides both more and better quality material for insulating my cardboard condo.

Dear Editor,

As a Canadian I'm getting ready to be offended that you didn't include Canada. There must be a HUGE business smuggling Americans across the border. What do Canadians think about it? Surely there's a story there, crying to be told? Unfortunately I already threatened to stop stealing my neighbors edition of this rag in another thread. Maybe I could threaten to get all my good buds to also stop stealing this paper if you don't comply?

Regards,

Irate reader

Dear Editor, I am writing to discuss a possible article on the state of the cities smoking by-laws, my son goes to school in the north Seattle area which is rampant with fumes from smokers, smog from automobiles, I thought this country was trying to rebuild not make things worse, I can see that Eyes Only has the right idea now, at first I thought he was only trouble but he's installed hope into our community, I would hope that you do the same.

Concerned Parent.

**********************************

ENTERTAINMENT

SEATTLE CINEMAS CLOSES

By Jox5

It was a sad day in the entertainment world when the last movie theater in Seattle closed down yesterday. Owner Rob Smith said that when the Cale family stopped going out for a Saturday night movie two weeks ago the place went broke.

The 30 year old theater will be torn down and turned into a parking lot. When asked if he had any plans to rebuild in the next few years Smith said he needed $100,000 to start over. How will this affect actors in L.A who are struggling to make ends meet? It is the opinion of this reporter that they will pack up and move to a country that still works like Canada or maybe Mexico.

If you would like to donate to the Rebuild Our Theater Fund, you can send money to Jox5 at the Streets of Seattle head office.

**********************************

SPORTS

SEATTLE SPORTS

By The Rock

Good morning Sports Fans!! it's time to get off with a bang my first column on Seattle sports lets get to it.

Now I realize that money in a shattered economy is in limited quantity but for the Seattle SunHawks Baseball franchise they are in desperate need of it, I haven't baseball this bad since the Mariners dumped Ken Griffey Junior(Now senior) to the Cincinnati Reds. This is undoubtedly the worst week for the team since it's conception by Power Nipple in 2006, lets look at the weeks scores.

MONDAY

SunHawks 5 - Bluejays 15

TUESDAY

SunHawks 8 - Yankee Doodles 10

WEDNESDAY

SunHawks 3 - Orlando Jerks 5

THURSDAY

Cameron Sinkers 16 - SunHawks 2

PLEASE GOD LET THE WORLD END! I mean for crying out loud this is pathetic baseball, look at starting pitcher John Rocker, after a dismal career in Atlanta the guy goes from worst to....WORSTx10!   The guy has given up more runs per inning then people testing diarrhea pills for a pharmaceutical company, and lets not forget about our great offensive squad, lead by leading man Jose Cruz Jr. Now this guy is actually a fair ballplayer, started in T.O. made his way to the coast, and now he has a hitting percentage of .325 not bad for a old fogy. Now I beg to manager Jose Canseco, please stop leading the team down the path in life you chose to follow....MISERY.

GOOD MORNING AMATEUR TEAMS  Right our little junior sports make up the heart of our community in Seattle, what could give a community greater pleasure to see our little athletes compete against each other....And they would if the community centers hadn't been invaded by street gangs.

GOODNIGHT: Finally an end to this crap, be sure to check back next week for my column when I discuss new franchises moving to LA from Seattle, our main industry...losing sports teams.

**********************************

FASHION

ARE FLIP-FLOPS A SIGN OF THINGS TO COME?

by AndraMarie

Ok, so you are walking down the street, and all of a sudden you here a noise coming from behind you. You speed up, hoping it is not a mugger. The noise keeps coming. So you look over your shoulder (even though you know you are not supposed to-never make eye contact with your attacker) and see an innocent looking teenager blowing bubbles and bobbing her head aimlessly to her headphones. You look down and see the cause of your paranoia. You supposed stalker is wearing a flimsy pair of brightly-colored plastic flip-flops. So are more and more teen girls these days.

So what's causing this new phenomena? Thong sandals, which were very popular in the late 1990's and the early part of the 21st century, have been recently making a comeback. Some girls say that they find the old-school sandals as a refreshing addition to their spring wardrobes. Others say that they are practical with their minimalism. But the majority think that these sandals are great because they are so economical. Since the Pulse, everyone has been feeling the pinch in their pockets. All that is needed to make flip-flops are a piece of rubber or plastic, and a foam sole. Young girls saving their money to maybe buy a pair of new shoes (instead of secondhand) are thankful for their low expense.

Back in the early 1990s, flip-flops were used as mainly beach sandals. But as the decade grew older, they started being mainstreamed more. They were created in new stylistic fashion-with brightly colored flowers, beads, and other accessories that were fairly cheap then. The only post-pulse social-economical class who could previously afford them was the very wealthy aristocrats' children whose parents hadn't lost their entire fortunes. Now that the fashion industry has had over a decade to get back on their feet(although they are still taking baby steps), the cheaper clothes and shoes were the first to be made.

So what does this mean for your average consumer?

Well, your average stores who have been carrying the flip-flops and have been successful, should start bringing back other, cheaper fashions. These stores were used as test stores to see if the public was ready for some actual new clothes. And it seems they are. All you lower-class shoppers out there - be ready! Some new, hip, and affordable lines should be coming your way!

**********************************

NEIGHBORHOOD

EASTLAKE: STRANGELY UNIQUE

By Norez

In many ways, Eastlake is the ideal neighborhood. Eleven years after the pulse, the tiny community sandwiched between Interstate 5 and Lake Union, is one of the few places in Seattle seemingly unaffected by the economic depression.

In a near lawless city and amid rampant squalor, Eastlake is an economic, artistic and cultural Mecca. It is unlike any other neighborhood in Seattle. A surreal mixture of Japanese and American architecture, tiny homes, attic apartments, condos, mom and pop stores, boat yards, heavy industry and the most advanced genetic research centers operating in Seattle.

The true soul of the community lies just offshore, amid the hundreds of houseboats moored in a colony along the shoreline and docks of Lake Union. A carefree, Caribbean spirit still lingers among the writers, artists, professors and dissidents that call the lake home. These people of the lake are descendents of blood if not cause of the people that fought and won the right to live on the lake some 50 years ago.

This was the neighborhood where William Boeing first flew his boatplane in 1916. And, it has changed greatly since then. Once an industrial park, only a small handful of industries survived the years of change. The oldest of them is Lake Union Drydock Company, which has repaired small boats and ships for the past 101 years.

Resting in the shadows of the drydock are two of the most advanced research centers in Seattle. The Fred Hutchinson Cancer Research Center and ZymoGenetics, a diabetes research firm.

Taking a walk through Eastlake, there are no decrepit chain stores like Starbucks or McDonalds. Instead, the streets are filled with aromas drifting through the doors of ethnic restaurants like the Tuscany Grill and Tokyo Jim's. Hundreds of tiny, owner-occupied stores sell everything from antique Pokemon and Dragonball Z collectibles to the latest in gothic fashion and music.

On a typical day, couples enjoy dinner along the docks to live music or stroll through some of the small, but well maintained Japanese gardens. Children play in Rogers Playground while mimes and street magicians entertain shoppers visiting from the less civilized zones of Seattle.

Eastlake's prosperity depends greatly on visitors from less civilized zones of Seattle. Most of the visitors are allowed in through one of four security checkpoints searching for everything from basic staples to beer brewed at one of the 11 small breweries. While in Eastlake, most take time to enjoy some of the street bands, take in a production at the Kabuki theater or just relax and enjoy the peaceful community. A few just walk the cobblestone streets and hope to catch a glimpse of one of the many geishas that call Eastlake home.

While in Eastlake, the most noticeable absences in the community are the homeless, junkies, prostitutes, pimps, thugs, corrupt police and gangbangers that plague other Seattle neighborhoods. Even careful observers might fail to recognize the well-trained security force that operates in Eastlake. The blend in with the crowd, some in X-metal Oakleys and Armani suits, others in shorts and Don Ho style shirts. But, they are there. And they're well trained, well armed and exceptionally lethal if necessary.

In the initial riots after the pulse, a small security company called Matsuda, operated in Eastlake. When called upon by several community organizations, Matsuda stepped forward and restored order in Eastlake with what can be regarded as a brutal efficiency. The Eastlake Community Council instituted a 2-cents sales tax to pay the bill for annual protection by Matsuda. Which proved to be a wise move, the crime rate in this waterfront community is the lowest in Seattle. Even lower than the crime rate before the pulse.

While Eastlake might seem like some forgotten urban utopia, a small Mayberry nestled in the heart of chaos, there is rumored to be a dark side. Seattle police have tried repeatedly to connect Matsuda to the Japanese Yakuza that operates in along the docks south of Denny Regrade. However, these authorities have yet to create any connection between Matsuda and the Sachi-gami yakuza clan.

Whatever the truth may be, the rumors and innuendo have had a lasting effect on the urban legends of Eastlake. After a city judge handed out excessively heavy sentences to several yakuza soldiers, he was beheaded in the parking lot of the downtown courthouse. Witnesses claim the assassin was dressed in black with a mesh veil. Before fleeing the scene, he recovered the judges head and allegedly said "Matsuda ninja revenge." The legend says the judge's head is kept in a jar in the wine cellar of Tokyo Jim's Mexican Sushi Bar.

In the next issue of Streets of Seattle: Denny Regrade. The cesspool of Seattle. The city's worst neighborhood without a doubt. Get an inside look at the squatters, drug lords, gangbangers, prostitutes, homeless and the out-and- out insane.

ENGAGEMENTS

By Jennem1

Andrea Smith and John Brancusi are happy to announce their upcoming nuptials. The couple met during the recent hostage situation at the First Bank of Seattle. Ms. Smith, of the United Department Store Smiths, was making a deposit at the time of the attempted robbery. Mr. Brancusi, a member of the Bank's founding family, was instrumental in achieving the swift release of all hostages, including Ms. Smith.

Ms. Smith is the daughter of Mr. and Mrs. Andrew Smith of Sector 9. Mr. Brancusi is the son of Louise Brancusi of Sector 9, and William Brancusi, current whereabouts unknown.

The wedding will be held on May 18, 2021, at the Sector 7 branch of the Church of Electromagnetic Scientology, of which they are both members. The couple is asking that in lieu of gifts, donations should be made to the Church's Widows, Orphans, and Lost Pets fund.

DEATHS ELSEWHERE

By Wonkavator

Julia Roberts, the ex-Hollywood recluse, best known for her role as a prostitute in the 1980s hit "Pretty Woman," was found dead yesterday morning in her mobile home outside Villa Rica, Georgia. The cause of death appears to be accidental overdose. An autopsy performed yesterday by Harlem County coroner Toby Binkley found that Ms. Roberts ingested a lethal combination of alcohol and prescription pills.

The press dubbed the late actress the "21st Century Garbo" after she suddenly left Hollywood in 2002 while in the midst of filming her final picture, "Pretty Woman Too." Ms. Roberts was often compared to the 20th century Hollywood legend, as both actresses faded rather mysteriously from the public eye. Many close to Ms Roberts attributed her behavior as a reaction to the controversial drug Hepatrin, prescribed as a treatment for her private and often crippling battle with depression.

Larry Dell, Ms. Roberts' uncle and only surviving relative, discovered her body Sunday morning while bringing Ms. Roberts a delivery of cat food. Police say that Mr. Dell brought cat food to his niece every month and hadn't contacted her since his previous visit.

Mr. Dell, who was also the last person to see her alive, described her mood on his last visit as "sad....even for her."

**********************************

HOROSCOPES

GEMINI You get one thing and then you lose another. It's either feast or famine. It's up to you to find a way to strike some kind of balance between your personal and professional life, Gemini. Once you lock into that perfect source of nourishment, your outlook improves dramatically.

CANCER  Moon is in Jupiter this week, Cancer, and this means you need to watch your pennies! Finances will be tight for a while, and it looks as if you need to stock up again on little things such as peppermint oil. A new neighbor will be coming into your life, and this means a confrontation later on in the week regarding stolen electricity. Keep a clear head, and you will be able to reach a worthy compromise. A career change may be in your future, requiring consideration about finding a location in a new Sector, so make sure to keep your eyes open for vacant buildings while out on the town. Lucky days: The 24th will find a new love interest vying for your attention. The 27th will bring you much needed rest and relaxation.

LEO With Mercury in retrograde, expect plenty of personal brownouts this week. But a favorable location for Libra means you might just find someone to share them with as you're waiting on the food line. But don't buy the grapefruit.

VIRGO Everything's looking pretty blank this week, Virgo.  If you're maintaining a low profile, then it's all good.  If you're more of the outgoing type...we suggest you watch your back.

LIBRA Watch your investments this week, Libra, whether they be in a Swiss bank or stuffed under your mattress. Someone close to you is looking to grab what you have. On the work front, there could be new opportunities if you keep your eyes open and make sure you're the first on line. Best day to go shopping: Tuesday Best day to bring home a new pet: Friday Lucky numbers: 7,8,9,11,2689

SCORPIO The fluctuating rat population hasn't got you down, does it, Scorpio?  You've always been one to use what you've got, and this week is no exception.  You'll find even more ways to increase your assets, be it through rat traps or rat recipes.

SAGITTARIUS Welcome to the party, as your sign rapidly moves through the social sphere of the heavens.  Get together with a few good friends or a hundred acquaintances (but watch out for spiked punch).  But it's not the time to make any new long-term associations, so keep it light.

CAPRICORN You will experience a few problems down the line to the effects of financial stability and infestation of your current residence. A big decision will arise that you must make that could make things better and ease your lifestyle. The choice you make will be a big step forward or backward for you. Choose wisely.

AQUARIUS You are destined for bright days to come. You will be well off and happy for these up and coming days, and your money will flow respectively. However, be aware and watch closely your investments, Aquarius, because the slightest slip or minor error could be your downfall. Take proper precautions on business transactions as well, Make sure that you are getting the better part of the deal.

PISCES Today and the next week you will feel a refreshing sense of purpose, plan on taking a vacation to get away from it all and remember to pack ONE sleeping bag, however be weary of Aquarius who will thwart your plans if you do not implement them in a hurry.

ARIES You will be faced with great hardships. You will lose one thing after another, and it your life will become ideally hard. Prepare for the worst. Things will look down before they will look up. However, if you make it through all this, better times will follow. Face the worst of times, Aries, and a reward awaits you in the end.

TAURUS Keep a close watch on the real estate market this week, Taurus. Configurations are not favorable regarding your home situation, so make sure to give an extra nod to your mortgage holder, landlord, or neighborhood police officer. Tuesday will be a good day to try something new.

**********************************

CLASSIFIEDS

SWM with own flaming garbage can seeks female, age/race/religion unimportant, to share long walks around the perimeter, cuddling beneath cardboard boxes, and rummaging for food. Come warm your hands at my fire.

FOR SALE One Dodge 75, pre-Pulse truck, in good condition. Slight denting due to riots in 2014. Windshield cracked due to gang war in Clemson, 2018. No radio, no A/C, but the heater still works and the tires are still good. Barter for secondhand Sony Sonik III computer or 500 pounds of fertilizer for greenhouse or best offer. Inquire at South Market. Dave.

FOUND. Fifty crates of Ready To Eat Rations in abandoned building. Don't know what's in them, but its expiration date is 2021, so they're going fast!!!!! Barter and sell whatever you have, within reason. First Come, first serve. Veterans of Baltic War get five free pouches prior to proper ID check. No gangbangers or Black Marketeers! WARNING! The place is now guarded by me and my crew, so no funny stuff. We've got the latest AKs from R of AK, and we know how to use 'em, buddy. Gig's NW of Clemson, where the Neutral's still holding. (Ten pouches free to the families of anybody getting killed on route or on premises by gang war.) Better hurry before the Sector Fuzz finds us. Da Ripper of the 9th Street Trippin'.

HELP WANTED: Package delivery facilitator. Applicant should be dedicated, hard working, and have own bicycle and bulletproof vest or flak jacket. Good attitude and professional appearance a must. Apply Box 6472.

FOR SALE 10GHz processor; misc. circuitry boards; surveillance camera; armor plating. All by Cale Inc., post-pulse, operational! GET THEM BEFORE THEY'RE GONE!! Barter for firearms and/or ammo possible.

TGO seeks beautiful latina woman approx 20 years of age with reddish brown hair and magnetic personality, but will also except dog with same qualities.

Sexy SWF looking for hot virile SM of any nationality. must love football and cars and enjoy mountain biking. must be between 19-23

TDAG seeks acting job, as my personal pride was striped by my sister having to jumpstart my terrible career as an actor, I will do anything, Mickey D's commercials, Power Nipple Commercials, hell even P***

FOR SALE: A jar of pre-pulse pickles found in a hole in my backyard. Price: 30:00$ and a can opener.

FOUND. One human arm, preserved in something I don't even want to know about. Discovered it in some abandoned silo where all those Black Hummers been roaming around. If you're into to sick stuff, call me up at 555-5462 and we can barter. Better hurry because the neighbors are looking at me funny. J. Dahmer.

Wanted... used X5's. Must be in good condition and reasonably priced. Call 555 1223 and leave message.

FOR SALE: Used Subaru Outback equipped with Firestone Tires need to sell off quick, I have a rather large family and can't deal with accidents, plus I need the money to send my kids to school, if interested please phone me Jake Thompson @ 543 6778. PP

For hire. Hacker with (edited for content) attitude. Good dresser, unshaven, has own transportation.