EYES ONLY: The Man Behind the Screen

Welcome to the second edition of "Streets of Seattle." Want to participate? Visit the "Streets of Seattle" folder at www.delphi.com/darkangelfans/messages or email jennem@usa.net or reply here (via review) with an email. Everyone is welcome, and no writing experience is necessary.

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STREETS OF SEATTLE

June 4, 2019

To our readers: The stories appearing in today's STREETS OF SEATTLE have been cleared by the U.S. Army under the provisions of the Martial Law Declaration of 2009 and the National Emergency Declaration of 2010.

Editor in Chief: Jennem1


Managing Editor: Samcrazy

Conspiracy Girl: cg-double-o-nuffin (mousie)

Entertainment Editor: Jox5

Opinion Editor: Shnapzie

Official Mail Girl: Logans_Babe

Contributing Reporter: Ninja650

Contributing Reporter: The Rock

Contributing Reporter: Weirdarchive

Contributing Reporter: Angushardie

Contributing Reporter: Dammachine

Contributing Reporter: Darkangelbby

Contributing Reporter: Daf9

Contributing Reporter: Willow771

Contributing Reporter: 727Angel

Contributing Reporter: GurgoshX5

Contributing Reporter: Lucifer6Lexi

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LOCAL NEWS

POWER COMPANIES SAY: NO MORE BROWNOUTS

By Lucifer6Lexi

At a very talked about press conference today, the major power companies told reporters that "there will be no more brownouts." It sounds nice, but does anyone truly believe this rash promise? After all, brownouts have been occurring at almost regular intervals, and recently, instead of decreasing in numbers, they have actually increased.

So where do the companies get the authority to say this? The speaker who said this wasn't just a naive new worker, he was the CEO of Lights Out Inc. He also announced that Lights Out Inc. was coming under control of a new company, one that preferred to remain nameless. Did this new company offer untold millions to fix Seattle's power? If so, what was their reasoning? Could they have just been running low on candles, or tired of romantic interludes between odd couples?

A young JamPony rider, who asked to remain anonymous, said brownouts are a good romantic beginning to sex. This young man was accompanied by another man, who replied to this, but I'm afraid I couldn't understand him. The first young man roughly translated this as "Whether it is true or not, it is all good, all the time."

Doing a bit of research, I found Seattle's brownout problem comparable to a power shortage in California at the end of the 20th century. Promises were also made there that power would soon be back, but really wasn't fixed until close to a decade later. And, coincidentally, the problems ended after former President Bush was assassinated and Nader elected. Nader started a new company called Lights On, sponsored by an unknown source, and soon grossing about a billion dollars a year.

The question remains, are brownouts really over? Is it the end of changing "just friends" into couples everywhere? Only time will tell.

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OIL STOLEN BY SLIPPERY THIEF

Culprit Slipped Away, Claims Security Guard

By Angushardie

In other news this, week staff at the Italian consulate in Seattle were surprised yesterday to find that thieves had stolen a quantity of extra virgin olive oil from the consulate kitchens. The consulate imports all of its food due to the difficulty of locally sourcing foodstuffs, and staff are worried that they may be unable to enjoy many dishes that are usually available until replacement supplies can be obtained.

The large security staff seemed baffled by the crime when this reporter interviewed chief of security Marco Betini: "It is a mystery to us. One minute the oil was there and then when our chief returned it was gone. We have no leads. The culprit just slipped away!"

Sources inside the consulate suggest that heads may roll on this issue. As one said yesterday, "There is concern, yes. Where someone could steal this item, they could also have poisoned other items, we have had to dispose of several kilos of food that we were unable to confirm the safety of."

The key question that is on everybody's lips is why? Perhaps we will never know. But perhaps it was just that someone wanted authentic Italian cuisine?
Incidentally if it was YOU who stole the oil then over in the features section we have a recipe for a delicious Italian style chicken. So you can enjoy your ill gotten gains.

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ODOROUS EMISSIONS

by Dammachine

Last week the President of the Minnows for Seattle gave a speech to all who would listen about the state of the fish and wild life in the area. "Something is amiss" She warned. "The high level of toxins will pose a hazard in the soon to be now."

It's apparent to this reporter that the President of the Minnows for Seattle is a few lures short of a full tackle box. She pointed out a strange odor coming from an area close to the water front. An area high in crime and next to a major express way. "An area that needs your attention" she warned as she continued. "We will be needing volunteers to help us determine what is causing the odorous emissions" If your interested in helping out the Minnows for Seattle group please contact them at 555-5343

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BLOOD SHORTAGE

Daf9

Researchers at UW Seattle are among seven groups across the United States desperately attempting to develop an inexpensive and effective blood substitute. Efforts to create blood substitutes have been underway for more than 30 years now but the current problems with a reliable blood supply have renewed interest in this project. Dr. Max Abraham of the Department of Hematology and Immunology leads the UW research team. "We currently have several products in the development and testing stage and are recruiting volunteers for a phase I trial to begin this summer."

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CONSPIRACY

EYES ONLY: The Man Behind the Screen

by Ninja650

Streets of Seattle's chief reporter, Ninja650, goes face to....screen, in an interview with the all knowing Eyes Only.

SOS: So...Mr. Eyes only? What made you decide to start doing what you do?

EyesOnly: It's a mean and messed up world we live in today. There are people out there struggling, trying to make ends meet. Meanwhile, there are other people out there taking advantage of this crisis and seizing every opportunity to do wrong without having any repercussions of any kind. It is our duty as citizens of this country to help make this place better, back to the way it was. Someone had to step up to the plate.

SOS: And that person was you?

EyesOnly: The city,...the country, is filled with corrupt people, mostly in high places, and the proper authorities look the other way if given the right amount of cash. Something needs to be done about this and if I,WE, don't do something about it, the world is going to get a lot worse.

SOS: So you think that exposing the corrupt creating a stir make the world better?

EyesOnly: One day this depression will be over, and when it is, it would be nice if there was something left. There will be nothing if we continue to allow these people to do as they please and continue corrupting our society.

SOS: So, you really think that all this will end?

EyesOnly: It's a possibility. Of course you can't fully get rid of the evils in the world, but you can try.

SOS: How, exactly, do you know all these things?

EyesOnly: I know people.

SOS: Would Detective Sung be one of these people?

EyesOnly: Why do you ask?

SOS: I heard a report that a one, Detective Matt Sung, was recently held captive and tortured. The reason why was unfounded, but rumor has it that he knew something about you...Eyes Only, and they were trying to get information out of him. Is this true?

EyesOnly: I will neither confirm nor deny that claim but what I will say is this. I know a lot about what's going on in the police department and Detective Sung is one of the few who's kept his head on straight throughout this ordeal. He takes pride in doing his job and doing it right. He's working to make a difference, as should others. This place would be a whole hell of a lot better if we had more people out there just like him. Any more questions?

SOS: Ummmm......no. No, I think we're done here. Thank you for your time.

EyesOnly: No problem.

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IS ECHELON REALLY GONE?

By CG double-oh-nuffin'

Years ago we were informed that the Echelon spy system was no longer operational. But we have to ask ourselves...is this true?

There has been a conspiracy between many governments in the past, a joining together to deceive an manipulate the masses. Their partnership was called the UKUSA. It involved such countries as Australia, New Zealand, Canada, The USA, Great Britain and others. Some of the allies claim to be enemies of the USA now, but we have to wonder...is it just part of some other master plan?

Through the Echelon system all communications can be monitored. Every satellite can be used to observe us. Any conversation could cause us to be place on "The List".
The government claims that Echelon isn't there anymore, but are they lying? More Next Week.

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MEDICINE

NEW CURE FOR LUNG CANCER

By Daf9

An international team of medical doctors and basic scientists headed by Dr. Albert Schwenkel of the University of Washington's Center for Ecogenetics and Environmental Health today proudly announced a new cure for lung cancer was just around the corner. Based on an idea originally put forward by Dr. Schwenkel, the scientists had theorized that since non human primates are apparently less susceptible to lung cancer than humans, the integration of gorilla DNA into the lung cells of patients might slow or even halt progression of the disease.

Using vectors based on the virus responsible for the common cold, the scientists introduced gorilla DNA for two key enzymes responsible for detoxifying inhaled environmental carcinogens into the lungs of 20 terminally ill patients. The viruses were introduced in a modified cherry-flavored "bubble-gum". The use of gum as a delivery vehicle was credited with improving the efficacy of the treatment as a result of increased patient compliance rates compared to more conventional chemotherapeutic agents. Patients reported "enjoying" the gum.

After 15 months, 17 of the patients are still alive. 5 have shown complete regression of their tumors while the remaining 12 have shown partial responses. A smiling Dr. Schwenkel told this reporter "We have succeeded beyond our wildest expectations. With conventional treatment 18 of these patients would be dead by now. And I would like to add that we are all very grateful to Ms. Jondy Smith, a former student in the laboratory who originally suggested the use of cherry flavored bubble gum to deliver the treatment." Ms. Smith who was considered an exceptionally gifted young scientist by her mentors withdrew from UW's graduate program only months before she was scheduled to receive her M.D./Ph.D. degree. Her departure followed closely on the initiation of an inquiry into the validity of her undergraduate transcripts.

A larger phase III study is now underway to study long term effects of the gorilla DNA procedure but doctors are extremely optimistic that this treatment will not only extend the life span of patients with advanced lung cancer but may be adapted in the future to reduce the risks of developing lung cancer in high risk patients.

Meanwhile, the American Cancer Society continues to warn Americans about the dangers of smoking. The so-called "low-tar-and-nicotine" cigarettes currently flooding the Black Market are considered particularly dangerous.

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EDITORIAL

ONE MORE SOURCE OF MONEY

By Shnapzie

Quick history lesson: back in the late 19th century, child labor laws were passed. These ensured that children couldn't skip school to work, whether by their own choice , or because their parents required them to. These laws stayed in effect for decades; it was just another given that school attendance was mandatory and that six-year-olds couldn't be serving coffee at the local Starbucks.

Last week, I went to the drugstore stand on South Market to pick up a more potent rat poison. The only person attending the setup was a boy who couldn't be more than twelve years old. Only a boy to handle money and credit, and to deal with any of the number of thugs who feel that the phrase "controlled substance" doesn't apply to them.

Once I noticed this, I observed other similar situations. The ten-year-old "interns" at the food distribution centers, the children who run up to visible tourists and plead with them to buy handmade bric-a-brac, the group of pre-teens selling imported newspapers on the corner (the Canadian Morning Sun, the Moscow Gong, etc.) And now these reports of children being abducted, or even sold, to do unmentionable things all over the globe.

It's hard to believe that all of these children are on their own, but what parent would force their kids to go out and work? Perplexed, I started talking to my neighbor in the apartment downstairs, whose son ran away last year. I asked her if she was worried about him, why she thought he did it. "Kid was an accident anyway," was her reply, "and not pulling his own weight to boot. He'll be okay. Spent enough time on the streets growing up that he knows how to survive. Anyway, it's one less mouth to feed." This attitude is in no way a minority, either, and I think that's what sickens me most.

"Maternal instinct" flew out the window with the Pulse. All that children are today is either an extra pair of hands to bring in money, or a drain on the food supply. Child labor laws aren't being enforced because the public doesn't want them to be. What a great society we live in today, where parents, mothers and fathers, would riot across America if even that small source of additional revenue was no longer permitted.

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TOOTHPASTE SHORTAGE: WILL DEODORANT BE NEXT?

By Lucifer6Lexi

While vanilla extract sales are at a record high, and Crest costs more on the black market than most drugs, will deodorant be next? The Pulse seems determined to wipe the city of Seattle free of all personal hygiene whatsoever, we can only guess what is coming next, not unlike Jennem1's name. The poor denizens of Seattle already have to cope with the unbearable fumes from locals mouths (an as of yet unconfirmed rumor is that many tourists have passed out from it) will we soon have to deal with armpit odors too?

I'm not too sure of how much more this city can take. It is true we can make a substitute toothpaste, but how can we make a substitute deodorant? If you have any ideas, please, please write in and it will be published in next weeks edition of Streets of Seattle.

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LETTERS TO THE EDITOR

Dear Editor,

Are you kidding us? 16 ways to grill rat? Who has the time ...or the firewood? My neighbors and me, we want more articles on how to prepare cold road kill.

2 soggy sticks to my name.

Dear Editor,

I am an employee at the local Italian Embassy. Last week, our cook almost had an apoplexy when he found out that his imported bottle of extra virgin olive oil was missing. He ripped all his under-cooks a new one, though they swore on their mothers' graves that they had no idea where it went (and I have the marks to prove it! Workplace abuse, that's what it is!). It's just a bottle of olive oil, you're probably thinking. Wrong! It's imported, from his own garden back in Italy, and with the way the international mail system is, it takes around 2 months to get another one in. Usually, there is more on hand, but because of a large banquet with a number of very hungry diplomats recently, the other bottles of oil were used up. So, if that thief is reading this...shame on you!

Disgruntled employee

Dear Editor,

I was very concerned to read about the toothpaste shortage plaguing Seattle. Someone told me that peppermint oil and baking soda make a fine substitute and I would like to do my civic duty. Unfortunately my company sells neither peppermint oil nor baking soda - but we do have 5000 gallons of rancid fish oil. Seattle, its yours.

Businessman looking for a charitable deduction

EDiToR,

mY name are Tina, I is NoT lIkEs your PaPer. It NoT Is NiCer cOloRed than mY oLD oNEs. I is nOT happyed Tht u isd got nO Pitchrs in yoUrs papr. I liKeD piturS. PleEZE pUt PItRs in YourS Papr.

tInA

Dear Editor,

I am writing in response to Mr. Shnapzie's moving Memorial Day editorial. It saved my life. I was out gathering bottles and newspapers when the article in question caught my eye. The bottles and newspapers were going to be turned into my local swap shop, hopefully in exchange for enough propane to keep my oven going long enough to kill myself. My grandson had died earlier that day. He was caught in the crossfire of that Sector Police/ drug smuggler shootout down by the docks earlier in the week. His injuries were not supposed to be life threatening but because of the blood shortage he died anyway. I was thinking about what a senseless waste his death was and how things had ever ended up in such a sorry state that a young man couldn't be saved because corruption had made the blood supply unreliable and an old lady couldn't even afford to kill herself. Anyway I saw Mr. Shnapzie's article and I stopped to read it. I had forgotten it was Memorial Day! One of my sons (now deceased from one of those Gulf War illnesses that the government continues to deny actually exists) and my daughter both served in Desert Storm. My older brother was one of the National Guardsmen who died in the Kent State riots. One of my uncles was killed in Korea and my mother's first husband died at Pearl Harbor. My maternal grandfather lost both his legs while serving in Siberia during the Great War to end all wars, WWI. How could I of all people forget Memorial Day? At first I thought that the failure of the government to observe this national holiday was just another reason why it was time for me to end it all. But as I continued to read the article I realized that despite everything that is wrong with this country today there are still people like Mr. Shnapzie who remember. And that if my grandfather and uncle and brother and children had believed in this country enough to fight for it, it would be irresponsible and shameful of me to trivialize their sacrifice by deliberately killing myself. God bless you Mr. Shnapzie for reminding me.

A grateful reader

PS. I have enclosed a box of homemade chocolate-chip cookies. I saw no point in letting the propane go to waste.

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ENTERTAINMENT

REVIEW—TEENWORLD MAGAZINE

By Jox5

This week because I didn't feel like doing any real reporting I decided to review a magazine I was reading instead of working.

TeenWorld is your basic teen magazine that sells by showing pictures of make-up that nobody can afford any more and boys who we will never meet. Over half of the magazine was dedicated to the bikini and most of the rest was spent telling girls they were fat. I did enjoy reading the advice section though. It said what to do if your guy was a two-timer.

My final thought: sure beats working.

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WHERE ARE THEY NOW?

From TeenWorld magazine, the best magazine in all of Europe, Canada, Latin America, and the good ol' USA!:

By Weirdarchive

Our 'Where are they now?' forum, where you get to ask where the hotties and sweeties from the last thirty years are doing now!

Yeah, my dad keeps on gushing about this chick named Britney Spears and how she was so hot in those midriff clothes. My mom thinks she was a slut then and a slut now. What is she doing now? Jessie, Toronto, Canada

Well, Jessie, seems Ms. Spears (or rather the ex Mrs. Nick Stahl) has forsaken her past life as the Turn's Worst Lip Sync Legend and has become the leader of the Nation of Islam, Reformed. Her new name is Samantha Adjia and she has renounced all her royalties to her CDs, books, movies, and especially that ill planned PLAYBOY pictorial in 2007 which hastened her downfall. Guess some boys don't want their dream girls growing up. You can't write to her because of her present status as America's Most Wanted Fugitive, but her tapes denouncing Israel's Operation Jericho's Wraith have been hot listening in the Muslim Underground.

Yo, Ge! How's it hanging with Kristen Dunst? I saw the uncut unrated version of TOUCH OF VELVET, WHISPER OF SILK where she got hot and heavy with that Chinese hottie Zhang Ziyi and believe me, they were tasty! What happened? Chief Onyx Green, Seattle, Washington

You'll be pleased to know that Ms. Dunst and her companion for life Ms. Ziyi will be celebrating their wedding anniversary this August in their home on the Hong Kong Independent Trade Zone. Ms. Dunst had retired from acting shortly after the furor of her coming out and her graphic lesbian scenes, but she continues to keep in touch with Hollywood by producing some of the best Asian films ever imported. Ms. Ziyi will be next featured in the classic horror series from China MY EYES GO GRAY, where she plays a hard boiled detective in Post Pulse Los Angeles Chinatown dealing with the demons from beyond and her personal phobias. Rumor has it she'll be up for another Oscar in the latest chapter. We'll keep you posted on airdates.

Settle a bet for me and my sister. I say Sarah Jessica Parker's doing a talk show for Japan's NHK-MTV. My sister says she's a senator for New York. Who's right? Patricia, Fairbanks, Republic of Alaska

Boy, we rarely get mail from you Alaskans due to the blockade! Sadly, Ms. Parker died during the New York City Riots in 2012 while doing a Broadway benefit for the Survivors of The Dark Months. According to scuttlebutt, Ms. Parker's politics may have been a factor in her death because of her outspoken views against the Sector Police. Her husband Matthew Broderick moved to England after her death and is now working for the BBC. Our continued condolences to Mr. Broderick over his loss.

Hey, man. What about that group from POPSTARS, Eden's Crush? I found a bunch of their promo stuff in this basement and I want to know if they're collectible. Carlos, Dallas Free Zone, Texas

If they're so collectible, what are they doing in a basement? Eden's Crush's fame came and went as soon as fans hooked on the next thing. Soon afterwards, three members of the group made accusations of mental abuse and torture from the producers and the Pre-Pulse Congress had a few words with them and those 'reality' shows. The resulting lawsuits and break-up wasn't much to speak of, except now those girls are either doing adult sex shows in Las Vegas or Bangkok or have dropped out of the radar entirely! We'll keep you posted on their whereabouts as soon as we can find out their names. As for that promo material....I hear fuel in the Dallas Free Zone is getting hard to come by with all those oil wells under separatist hands.

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THIS WEEK'S TELEVISION HIGHLIGHTS

"Survivor #19: Out to Sea" The Survivors struggle to, well, survive on an abandoned Alaskan oil rig. Julie and Eric battle for immunity when the supply helicopter fails to arrive. Thursday, 9PM, EBC.

"Friends" Yes the gang from friends, now visibly showing their age have problems when Rachel's mom passes away, and Joey finally moves out of the apartment! that's this weeks Friends!

"That 90's Show" Eric and Donna go searching for homes in the Detroit area, meanwhile Red is searching for his false teeth, and Jackie and Kelso pose nude for a mens/womens magazine, all that and more hilarity on That 90's Show.

"Red Dwarf" Lister finds the ultimate curry. Rimmer tries to get Tchaikansky into his bed, yet again. Kryten has a crises when he can't get the red spots off of Lister's shirt.

Silly Jessy Raphael: 60 years of in vitro fertilization have taken their toll on family relationships. Because fertilized embryos can be frozen almost indefinately before being implanted and subsequently born, many individuals find themselves with sisters and brothers 50 years older than themselves. This week Silly Jessy interviews members of some of the so-called SNAFU families in which women have married their sister's grandsons and given birth to their own great uncles. Silly's other guests include psychologists and social scientists who have studied these families and Miss Manners who explains the proper way to seat such a family around the Thanksgiving Day table.

THIS WEEK'S SPORTS HIGHLIGHTS

Rollerball semi-finals, Toronto Versus London at the New Wimbly Thunderdome. Can Team Maple give the Union Jacks a thrashing on their quest for the Jonathan E Cup? Blackpool, Jersey City, and Las Vegas oddsmakers are too close to call as these traditional league rivals will duke out live at 1 PM EST on ESPN2, with rebroadcast at 7 PM EST on ESPN. See Malcolm O'Brien of the Jacks make good his threat to Team Maple Captain Roosevelt Chang (Recently acquired from the Hong Kong Tigers who had beaten O'Brien's team several times in violent clashes where his brother Philip was a causality.) over the '18 loss in the Singapore game. These two have a serious feud that only matures in rage, so the officials may have to put them under bench watch once the penalties pile-up. Also check out the new rookie cycle Blazer Carlos of the Jacks. His rep from the Mexico City Q has him placed high on the Jacks' roster and O'Brien himself has made his admiration for the young Mexican publicly known as 'The brother I had thought lost, but now reborn.'. Team Maple will try to see if The Brother Reborn can be The Brother Re-Slain. WARNING: contains violence. Parents strongly cautioned.

MOVIES ON CINEPLEX 1, CANADA

TOUCH OF VELVET, WHISPER OF SILK (Director's Version) 2008, starring Kristin Dunst and Zhang Ziyi. Directed by Ang Lee. Rated NC-17.

During the early 1900s in Imperial China, a young missionary (Dunst) is drawn to the mysterious world of a concubine (Ziyi) and discovers a love that is forbidden in both cultures. This controversial picture won five Oscars, including Best Actress for Dunst and Ziyi (a rare co-win in Academy history) and Best Picture for its frank portrayal of homosexuality in the Victorian Era. One of the recent additions to the National Film Registry in London.

Contains frank sexual matters and violence. Parents strongly cautioned.

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SPECIAL ADVERTISING SECTION

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To order, please call The Chaos Chemical Corp. at 555-XTIN.

(Manufacturer not responsible for any damage due
to clothes or skin from contact with this product.)

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FEATURES

ODDITIES

By Logans_Babe

As many of us know, when the Pulse hit, it hit hard. Many people lost everything, and didn't gain any of it back. Those people have been living in abandoned buildings or empty cars. Mainly where ever they can find to give them shelter. They have little, if anything at all. So it surprised the news crew when we found out about the strange recreational activities that they have every Tuesday.

First, the "community members" perform a small ritual: smacking the newest in the face and demanding a small fee of one rat per person. Once you are in, they have a variety of different games. Some such as the Toe Clipping Derby, are oddly disturbing. But others like the belching contest just scream fun. There are many other games including the Race the Rat for the Meal, Junk yard wars, and Who had What for Breakfast. When you leave, you get a slap on the cheek, but they keep your rat.

If you are in the area and would like to check the games out, go to Sector 3 around Black Street. Just remember to bring a rat for the games.

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IT'S A BIRD! IT"S A PLANE! IT'S... A GIRL?
by GurgoshX5

In other news, ghosts have been sighted in the old Cameron Mansion in the high-rise district. Josh Vogel and friend Rocko Jones spent the night in the mansion on a dare. According to them, they woke at around three in the morning and heard ghostly screams. They opened their eyes to the horrifying sight of a female ghost clubbing a ghost of a small boy over the head with a lamp. Josh and Rocko ran from the room and down the stairs. Pictures were flying off the walls and one hit Rocko in the head, requiring eight stitches.

On Saturday, many people phoned the police to report that they'd seen Superwoman. Eye-witness accounts reveal that this girl was seen jumping over 3 trucks in a single bound, dodging bullets fired by the sector police, and hurling a motorcycle over 15 feet to evade capture and injure her foes. A military contact reports this girl as extremely dangerous to all who cross her path. If anyone has any information on her, they can contact the Sector Police at 555-2677. The girl was described as approximately 5'6", curly shoulder length hair, and pouty lips.

If anyone would like to share a tale of the supernatural, please call STREETS OF SEATTLE at 555-0913.

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HOW TO SURVIVE THE POST-PULSE DEPRESSION TIP OF THE DAY

by Shnapzie

Go to your neighborhood Laundromat and snatch up a box of dryer sheets some person so foolishly left unattended. Besides the fact that you now have a "relatively inexpensive" box of dryer sheets, you can also use them as a replacement for perfume!

Girls, when getting ready for a date, just wipe one of these sweeties on you. You'll smell "mountain breeze" fresh, and will have the added bonus of the static electricity not drawing you nearer to your unattractive gentleman caller more than absolutely necessary. (On the flip side, if he's cute--you may want to consider black market air freshener. What man can't resist the smell of processed lilac scent!

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CLASSIFIEDS

PERSONALS

Single Hispanic Female. looking for a single man to hug, kiss, and to hold tight
in the cold, cold mornings. call 555-0125, ask for Chica Bonita

Single Black Female Looking for a "boo to scratch with". call 573-6157.

Single White Male looking for a "girl" who grew up in "The Castle". Possibly from
around "Gillette". call 555-9107 ask for the "big brother"

Single Male Seeks intelligent woman, with a fine sense of art, opera, wine, and with
the dexterity of a cat. call 555-9170 ask for L.

Single Black Female Looking for a witty lesbian to cook dinner, and "chill" with.
call 555-4300, ask for Diamond Eyes.

Single White Female looking for a man with a with spiky hair, cute glasses,
millions of dollars in art on his walls, and a lot of computers. Call 555-6720 I'll answer

Lily's Choice,

I'm not sure if anyone else caught this, but "L" and "I'll answer" are perfect for each other! And I also think that "Diamond Eyes" and "Single Hispanic Female" would work great.. As for "Chica Bonita" and "Big Brother", well, they could try each other out, but I don't think that there Lily's Choice, unless "Chica" is from Gillette...

But Lily's OFFICIAL Choice is... L. and I'll answer! Now, if one of you is reading this, DROP THE PAPER! RUN TO THE NEAREST PHONE! AND well maybe you should keep the paper to DIAL THE OTHER'S #! GO! Call NOW!

LOST AND FOUND

LOST: Name: Tiger. Looks like a cat. Favorite saying, "Meow." If you have any information call Steph@ 555-2438.

FOUND: Black backpack with messenger service logo. Paperwork in the bag looks important, so I'm being nice. You tell me what's in the hidden pocket and give me half, the rest is all yours.

LOST: New dress with price tags on it. Last seen on mannequin in store. Reward of two toilet paper rolls to any who turn dress over. Contact Hopeful Thief @ 555-4576

FOUND: One German Shepherd mix. Seems the owner left in a damned hurry. Anyone who knows the owner or the pooch, contact me at the South Market because my Rottweiler has 'issues' if you get my drift. Barney The Louse.