Welcome to
the second edition of "Streets of Seattle." Want to participate? Visit the
"Streets of Seattle" folder at www.delphi.com/darkangelfans/messages or email jennem@usa.net
or reply here (via review) with an email. Everyone is welcome, and no writing experience is necessary.
PLEASE READ
AND REVIEW! Writers live for feedback,
and we've got lots of writers here!
Disclaimer:
We do not own the Dark Angel universe, the characters therein, or any details
as mentioned in the scripts/episode of Dark Angel. All other characters and items in this production belong to the
respective writers. However, no profit
is sought or will be made from this production.
**********************************
STREETS OF SEATTLE
June 4, 2019
To our readers: The stories appearing in
today's STREETS OF SEATTLE have been cleared by the U.S. Army under the
provisions of the Martial Law Declaration of 2009 and the National Emergency
Declaration of 2010.
Editor in Chief: Jennem1
Managing Editor: Samcrazy
Conspiracy Girl: cg-double-o-nuffin
(mousie)
Entertainment Editor: Jox5
Opinion Editor: Shnapzie
Official Mail Girl: Logans_Babe
Contributing Reporter: Ninja650
Contributing Reporter: The Rock
Contributing Reporter: Weirdarchive
Contributing Reporter: Angushardie
Contributing Reporter: Dammachine
Contributing Reporter: Darkangelbby
Contributing Reporter: Daf9
Contributing Reporter: Willow771
Contributing Reporter: 727Angel
Contributing Reporter: GurgoshX5
Contributing Reporter: Lucifer6Lexi
**********************************
LOCAL NEWS
POWER COMPANIES SAY: NO MORE BROWNOUTS
By Lucifer6Lexi
At a very talked about press conference today, the major power companies told reporters that "there will be no more brownouts." It sounds nice, but does anyone truly believe this rash promise? After all, brownouts have been occurring at almost regular intervals, and recently, instead of decreasing in numbers, they have actually increased.
So where do the companies get the authority to say this? The speaker who said this wasn't just a naive new worker, he was the CEO of Lights Out Inc. He also announced that Lights Out Inc. was coming under control of a new company, one that preferred to remain nameless. Did this new company offer untold millions to fix Seattle's power? If so, what was their reasoning? Could they have just been running low on candles, or tired of romantic interludes between odd couples?
A young JamPony rider, who asked to remain anonymous, said brownouts are a good romantic beginning to sex. This young man was accompanied by another man, who replied to this, but I'm afraid I couldn't understand him. The first young man roughly translated this as "Whether it is true or not, it is all good, all the time."
Doing a bit of research, I found Seattle's brownout problem comparable to a power shortage in California at the end of the 20th century. Promises were also made there that power would soon be back, but really wasn't fixed until close to a decade later. And, coincidentally, the problems ended after former President Bush was assassinated and Nader elected. Nader started a new company called Lights On, sponsored by an unknown source, and soon grossing about a billion dollars a year.
The question remains, are brownouts really over? Is it the end of changing "just friends" into couples everywhere? Only time will tell.
**********************************
OIL STOLEN BY
SLIPPERY THIEF
Culprit
Slipped Away, Claims Security Guard
By Angushardie
In other news this,
week staff at the Italian consulate in Seattle were surprised yesterday to find
that thieves had stolen a quantity of extra virgin olive oil from the consulate
kitchens. The consulate imports all of its food due to the difficulty of
locally sourcing foodstuffs, and staff are worried that they may be unable to
enjoy many dishes that are usually available until replacement supplies can be
obtained.
The large security
staff seemed baffled by the crime when this reporter interviewed chief of
security Marco Betini: "It is a mystery to us. One minute the oil was
there and then when our chief returned it was gone. We have no leads. The
culprit just slipped away!"
Sources inside the
consulate suggest that heads may roll on this issue. As one said yesterday,
"There is concern, yes. Where someone could steal this item, they could
also have poisoned other items, we have had to dispose of several kilos of food
that we were unable to confirm the safety of."
The key question
that is on everybody's lips is why? Perhaps we will never know. But perhaps it
was just that someone wanted authentic Italian cuisine?
Incidentally if it was YOU who stole the oil then over in the features section
we have a recipe for a delicious Italian style chicken. So you can enjoy your
ill gotten gains.
***************************
ODOROUS EMISSIONS
by Dammachine
Last week the
President of the Minnows for Seattle gave a speech to all who would listen
about the state of the fish and wild life in the area. "Something is
amiss" She warned. "The high level of toxins will pose a hazard in
the soon to be now."
It's apparent to
this reporter that the President of the Minnows for Seattle is a few lures
short of a full tackle box. She pointed out a strange odor coming from an area
close to the water front. An area high in crime and next to a major express
way. "An area that needs your attention" she warned as she continued.
"We will be needing volunteers to help us determine what is causing the
odorous emissions" If your interested in helping out the Minnows for
Seattle group please contact them at 555-5343
***************************
BLOOD
SHORTAGE
Daf9
Researchers at
UW Seattle are among seven groups across the United States desperately
attempting to develop an inexpensive and effective blood substitute. Efforts to
create blood substitutes have been underway for more than 30 years now but the
current problems with a reliable blood supply have renewed interest in this
project. Dr. Max Abraham of the Department of Hematology and Immunology leads
the UW research team. "We currently have several products in the
development and testing stage and are recruiting volunteers for a phase I trial
to begin this summer."
**********************************
CONSPIRACY
EYES ONLY: The Man
Behind the Screen
by Ninja650
Streets of
Seattle's chief reporter, Ninja650, goes face to....screen, in an interview
with the all knowing Eyes Only.
SOS: So...Mr.
Eyes only? What made you decide to start doing what you do?
EyesOnly: It's a mean and messed up
world we live in today. There are people out there struggling, trying to make
ends meet. Meanwhile, there are other people out there taking advantage of this
crisis and seizing every opportunity to do wrong without having any
repercussions of any kind. It is our duty as citizens of this country to help
make this place better, back to the way it was. Someone had to step up to the
plate.
SOS: And that
person was you?
EyesOnly: The city,...the country,
is filled with corrupt people, mostly in high places, and the proper
authorities look the other way if given the right amount of cash. Something
needs to be done about this and if I,WE, don't do something about it,
the world is going to get a lot worse.
SOS: So you
think that exposing the corrupt creating a stir make the world better?
EyesOnly: One day this depression will
be over, and when it is, it would be nice if there was something left. There
will be nothing if we continue to allow these people to do as they please and
continue corrupting our society.
SOS: So, you
really think that all this will end?
EyesOnly: It's a possibility. Of
course you can't fully get rid of the evils in the world, but you can try.
SOS: How,
exactly, do you know all these things?
EyesOnly: I know people.
SOS: Would Detective
Sung be one of these people?
EyesOnly: Why do you ask?
SOS: I heard a
report that a one, Detective Matt Sung, was recently held captive and tortured.
The reason why was unfounded, but rumor has it that he knew something about
you...Eyes Only, and they were trying to get information out of him. Is this
true?
EyesOnly: I will neither confirm nor
deny that claim but what I will say is this. I know a lot about what's going on
in the police department and Detective Sung is one of the few who's kept his
head on straight throughout this ordeal. He takes pride in doing his job and
doing it right. He's working to make a difference, as should others. This place
would be a whole hell of a lot better if we had more people out there just like
him. Any more questions?
SOS:
Ummmm......no. No, I think we're done here. Thank you for your time.
EyesOnly: No problem.
***************************
IS ECHELON
REALLY GONE?
By CG
double-oh-nuffin'
Years ago we were
informed that the Echelon spy system was no longer operational. But we have to
ask ourselves...is this true?
There has been a
conspiracy between many governments in the past, a joining together to deceive
an manipulate the masses. Their partnership was called the UKUSA. It involved
such countries as Australia, New Zealand, Canada, The USA, Great Britain and
others. Some of the allies claim to be enemies of the USA now, but we have to
wonder...is it just part of some other master plan?
Through the Echelon
system all communications can be monitored. Every satellite can be used to
observe us. Any conversation could cause us to be place on "The
List".
The government claims that Echelon isn't there anymore, but are they lying?
More Next Week.
**********************************
MEDICINE
NEW CURE FOR
LUNG CANCER
By Daf9
An international
team of medical doctors and basic scientists headed by Dr. Albert Schwenkel of
the University of Washington's Center for Ecogenetics and Environmental Health
today proudly announced a new cure for lung cancer was just around the corner.
Based on an idea originally put forward by Dr. Schwenkel, the scientists had
theorized that since non human primates are apparently less susceptible to lung
cancer than humans, the integration of gorilla DNA into the lung cells of
patients might slow or even halt progression of the disease.
Using vectors based
on the virus responsible for the common cold, the scientists introduced gorilla
DNA for two key enzymes responsible for detoxifying inhaled environmental
carcinogens into the lungs of 20 terminally ill patients. The viruses were
introduced in a modified cherry-flavored "bubble-gum". The use of gum
as a delivery vehicle was credited with improving the efficacy of the treatment
as a result of increased patient compliance rates compared to more conventional
chemotherapeutic agents. Patients reported "enjoying" the gum.
After 15 months, 17
of the patients are still alive. 5 have shown complete regression of their
tumors while the remaining 12 have shown partial responses. A smiling Dr.
Schwenkel told this reporter "We have succeeded beyond our wildest
expectations. With conventional treatment 18 of these patients would be dead by
now. And I would like to add that we are all very grateful to Ms. Jondy Smith,
a former student in the laboratory who originally suggested the use of cherry
flavored bubble gum to deliver the treatment." Ms. Smith who was
considered an exceptionally gifted young scientist by her mentors withdrew from
UW's graduate program only months before she was scheduled to receive her M.D./Ph.D.
degree. Her departure followed closely on the initiation of an inquiry into the
validity of her undergraduate transcripts.
A larger phase III
study is now underway to study long term effects of the gorilla DNA procedure
but doctors are extremely optimistic that this treatment will not only extend
the life span of patients with advanced lung cancer but may be adapted in the
future to reduce the risks of developing lung cancer in high risk patients.
Meanwhile, the
American Cancer Society continues to warn Americans about the dangers of
smoking. The so-called "low-tar-and-nicotine" cigarettes currently
flooding the Black Market are considered particularly dangerous.
**********************************
EDITORIAL
ONE MORE SOURCE
OF MONEY
By Shnapzie
Quick history
lesson: back in the late 19th century, child labor laws were passed. These
ensured that children couldn't skip school to work, whether by their own choice
, or because their parents required them to. These laws stayed in effect for
decades; it was just another given that school attendance was mandatory and
that six-year-olds couldn't be serving coffee at the local Starbucks.
Last week, I went
to the drugstore stand on South Market to pick up a more potent rat poison. The
only person attending the setup was a boy who couldn't be more than twelve
years old. Only a boy to handle money and credit, and to deal with any of the
number of thugs who feel that the phrase "controlled substance" doesn't apply
to them.
Once I noticed
this, I observed other similar situations. The ten-year-old "interns" at the
food distribution centers, the children who run up to visible tourists and
plead with them to buy handmade bric-a-brac, the group of pre-teens selling
imported newspapers on the corner (the Canadian Morning Sun, the Moscow Gong,
etc.) And now these reports of children being abducted, or even sold, to do
unmentionable things all over the globe.
It's hard to
believe that all of these children are on their own, but what parent would
force their kids to go out and work? Perplexed, I started talking to my
neighbor in the apartment downstairs, whose son ran away last year. I asked her
if she was worried about him, why she thought he did it. "Kid was an accident
anyway," was her reply, "and not pulling his own weight to boot. He'll be okay.
Spent enough time on the streets growing up that he knows how to survive.
Anyway, it's one less mouth to feed." This attitude is in no way a minority,
either, and I think that's what sickens me most.
"Maternal instinct" flew out the window
with the Pulse. All that children are today is either an extra pair of hands to
bring in money, or a drain on the food supply. Child labor laws aren't being
enforced because the public doesn't want them to be. What a great society we live
in today, where parents, mothers and fathers, would riot across America if even
that small source of additional revenue was no longer permitted.
***************************
TOOTHPASTE SHORTAGE: WILL DEODORANT BE NEXT?
By Lucifer6Lexi
While vanilla extract sales are at a record high, and Crest costs more on the black market than most drugs, will deodorant be next? The Pulse seems determined to wipe the city of Seattle free of all personal hygiene whatsoever, we can only guess what is coming next, not unlike Jennem1's name. The poor denizens of Seattle already have to cope with the unbearable fumes from locals mouths (an as of yet unconfirmed rumor is that many tourists have passed out from it) will we soon have to deal with armpit odors too?
I'm not too sure of how much more this city can take. It is
true we can make a substitute toothpaste, but how can we make a substitute
deodorant? If you have any ideas, please, please write in and it will be
published in next weeks edition of Streets of Seattle.
**********************************
LETTERS TO THE
EDITOR
Dear Editor,
Are you kidding us?
16 ways to grill rat? Who has the time ...or the firewood? My neighbors and me,
we want more articles on how to prepare cold road kill.
2 soggy sticks
to my name.
Dear Editor,
I am an employee
at the local Italian Embassy. Last week, our cook almost had an apoplexy when
he found out that his imported bottle of extra virgin olive oil was missing. He
ripped all his under-cooks a new one, though they swore on their mothers' graves
that they had no idea where it went (and I have the marks to prove it!
Workplace abuse, that's what it is!). It's just a bottle of olive oil,
you're probably thinking. Wrong! It's imported, from his own garden back
in Italy, and with the way the international mail system is, it takes around 2
months to get another one in. Usually, there is more on hand, but because of a
large banquet with a number of very hungry diplomats recently, the other
bottles of oil were used up. So, if that thief is reading this...shame on you!
Disgruntled
employee
Dear Editor,
I was very concerned to read about the toothpaste shortage plaguing Seattle. Someone told me that peppermint oil and baking soda make a fine substitute and I would like to do my civic duty. Unfortunately my company sells neither peppermint oil nor baking soda - but we do have 5000 gallons of rancid fish oil. Seattle, its yours.
Businessman looking for a charitable deduction
EDiToR,
mY name are Tina, I
is NoT lIkEs your PaPer. It NoT Is NiCer cOloRed than mY oLD oNEs. I is nOT
happyed Tht u isd got nO Pitchrs in yoUrs papr. I liKeD piturS. PleEZE pUt
PItRs in YourS Papr.
tInA
Dear
Editor,
I
am writing in response to Mr. Shnapzie's moving Memorial Day editorial. It
saved my life. I was out gathering bottles and newspapers when the article in
question caught my eye. The bottles and newspapers were going to be turned into
my local swap shop, hopefully in exchange for enough propane to keep my oven
going long enough to kill myself. My grandson had died earlier that day. He was
caught in the crossfire of that Sector Police/ drug smuggler shootout down by
the docks earlier in the week. His injuries were not supposed to be life
threatening but because of the blood shortage he died anyway. I was thinking
about what a senseless waste his death was and how things had ever ended up in
such a sorry state that a young man couldn't be saved because corruption had
made the blood supply unreliable and an old lady couldn't even afford to kill
herself. Anyway I saw Mr. Shnapzie's article and I stopped to read it. I had
forgotten it was Memorial Day! One of my sons (now deceased from one of those
Gulf War illnesses that the government continues to deny actually exists) and
my daughter both served in Desert Storm. My older brother was one of the
National Guardsmen who died in the Kent State riots. One of my uncles was
killed in Korea and my mother's first husband died at Pearl Harbor. My maternal
grandfather lost both his legs while serving in Siberia during the Great War to
end all wars, WWI. How could I of all people forget Memorial Day? At first I
thought that the failure of the government to observe this national holiday was
just another reason why it was time for me to end it all. But as I continued to
read the article I realized that despite everything that is wrong with this
country today there are still people like Mr. Shnapzie who remember. And that
if my grandfather and uncle and brother and children had believed in this
country enough to fight for it, it would be irresponsible and shameful of me to
trivialize their sacrifice by deliberately killing myself. God bless you Mr.
Shnapzie for reminding me.
A
grateful reader
PS.
I have enclosed a box of homemade chocolate-chip cookies. I saw no point in letting the propane go to
waste.
**********************************
ENTERTAINMENT
REVIEW—TEENWORLD
MAGAZINE
By Jox5
This week because I
didn't feel like doing any real reporting I decided to review a magazine I was
reading instead of working.
TeenWorld is your
basic teen magazine that sells by showing pictures of make-up that nobody can
afford any more and boys who we will never meet. Over half of the magazine was
dedicated to the bikini and most of the rest was spent telling girls they were
fat. I did enjoy reading the advice section though. It said what to do if your
guy was a two-timer.
My final thought:
sure beats working.
***************************
WHERE ARE
THEY NOW?
From
TeenWorld magazine, the best magazine in all of Europe, Canada, Latin America,
and the good ol' USA!:
By
Weirdarchive
Our 'Where are they
now?' forum, where you get to ask where the hotties and sweeties from the last
thirty years are doing now!
Yeah, my dad
keeps on gushing about this chick named Britney Spears and how she was so hot
in those midriff clothes. My mom thinks she was a slut then and a slut now.
What is she doing now? Jessie, Toronto, Canada
Well, Jessie, seems
Ms. Spears (or rather the ex Mrs. Nick Stahl) has forsaken her past life as the
Turn's Worst Lip Sync Legend and has become the leader of the Nation of Islam,
Reformed. Her new name is Samantha Adjia and she has renounced all her
royalties to her CDs, books, movies, and especially that ill planned PLAYBOY
pictorial in 2007 which hastened her downfall. Guess some boys don't want their
dream girls growing up. You can't write to her because of her present status as
America's Most Wanted Fugitive, but her tapes denouncing Israel's Operation
Jericho's Wraith have been hot listening in the Muslim Underground.
Yo, Ge! How's it
hanging with Kristen Dunst? I saw the uncut unrated version of TOUCH OF
VELVET, WHISPER OF SILK where she got hot and heavy with that Chinese
hottie Zhang Ziyi and believe me, they were tasty! What happened? Chief Onyx Green, Seattle,
Washington
You'll be pleased
to know that Ms. Dunst and her companion for life Ms. Ziyi will be celebrating
their wedding anniversary this August in their home on the Hong Kong
Independent Trade Zone. Ms. Dunst had retired from acting shortly after the
furor of her coming out and her graphic lesbian scenes, but she continues to
keep in touch with Hollywood by producing some of the best Asian films ever
imported. Ms. Ziyi will be next featured in the classic horror series from
China MY EYES GO GRAY, where she plays a hard boiled detective in Post
Pulse Los Angeles Chinatown dealing with the demons from beyond and her
personal phobias. Rumor has it she'll be up for another Oscar in the latest
chapter. We'll keep you posted on airdates.
Settle a bet for
me and my sister. I say Sarah Jessica Parker's doing a talk show for Japan's
NHK-MTV. My sister says she's a senator for New York. Who's right? Patricia, Fairbanks,
Republic of Alaska
Boy, we rarely get
mail from you Alaskans due to the blockade! Sadly, Ms. Parker died during the
New York City Riots in 2012 while doing a Broadway benefit for the Survivors of
The Dark Months. According to scuttlebutt, Ms. Parker's politics may have been
a factor in her death because of her outspoken views against the Sector Police.
Her husband Matthew Broderick moved to England after her death and is now
working for the BBC. Our continued condolences to Mr. Broderick over his loss.
Hey, man. What
about that group from POPSTARS, Eden's Crush? I found a bunch of their
promo stuff in this basement and I want to know if they're collectible. Carlos, Dallas Free Zone,
Texas
If they're so
collectible, what are they doing in a basement? Eden's Crush's fame came and
went as soon as fans hooked on the next thing. Soon afterwards, three members
of the group made accusations of mental abuse and torture from the producers
and the Pre-Pulse Congress had a few words with them and those 'reality' shows.
The resulting lawsuits and break-up wasn't much to speak of, except now those
girls are either doing adult sex shows in Las Vegas or Bangkok or have dropped
out of the radar entirely! We'll keep you posted on their whereabouts as soon
as we can find out their names. As for that promo material....I hear fuel in
the Dallas Free Zone is getting hard to come by with all those oil wells under
separatist hands.
***************************
"Survivor #19:
Out to Sea" The Survivors struggle to, well, survive on an abandoned Alaskan
oil rig. Julie and Eric battle for immunity when the supply helicopter fails to
arrive. Thursday, 9PM, EBC.
"Friends"
Yes the gang from friends, now visibly showing their age have problems when
Rachel's mom passes away, and Joey finally moves out of the apartment! that's
this weeks Friends!
"That 90's
Show" Eric and Donna go searching for homes in the Detroit area, meanwhile
Red is searching for his false teeth, and Jackie and Kelso pose nude for a
mens/womens magazine, all that and more hilarity on That 90's Show.
"Red
Dwarf" Lister finds the ultimate curry. Rimmer tries to get Tchaikansky
into his bed, yet again. Kryten has a crises when he can't get the red spots
off of Lister's shirt.
Silly Jessy Raphael: 60 years of in vitro fertilization have taken their toll on family relationships. Because fertilized embryos can be frozen almost indefinately before being implanted and subsequently born, many individuals find themselves with sisters and brothers 50 years older than themselves. This week Silly Jessy interviews members of some of the so-called SNAFU families in which women have married their sister's grandsons and given birth to their own great uncles. Silly's other guests include psychologists and social scientists who have studied these families and Miss Manners who explains the proper way to seat such a family around the Thanksgiving Day table.
Rollerball
semi-finals, Toronto Versus London at the New Wimbly Thunderdome. Can Team
Maple give the Union Jacks a thrashing on their quest for the Jonathan E Cup?
Blackpool, Jersey City, and Las Vegas oddsmakers are too close to call as these
traditional league rivals will duke out live at 1 PM EST on ESPN2, with
rebroadcast at 7 PM EST on ESPN. See Malcolm O'Brien of the Jacks make good his
threat to Team Maple Captain Roosevelt Chang (Recently acquired from the Hong
Kong Tigers who had beaten O'Brien's team several times in violent clashes
where his brother Philip was a causality.) over the '18 loss in the Singapore
game. These two have a serious feud that only matures in rage, so the officials
may have to put them under bench watch once the penalties pile-up. Also check
out the new rookie cycle Blazer Carlos of the Jacks. His rep from the Mexico
City Q has him placed high on the Jacks' roster and O'Brien himself has made
his admiration for the young Mexican publicly known as 'The brother I had
thought lost, but now reborn.'. Team Maple will try to see if The Brother
Reborn can be The Brother Re-Slain. WARNING: contains violence. Parents
strongly cautioned.
TOUCH OF VELVET,
WHISPER OF SILK (Director's Version) 2008, starring Kristin Dunst and Zhang Ziyi.
Directed by Ang Lee. Rated NC-17.
During the early
1900s in Imperial China, a young missionary (Dunst) is drawn to the mysterious
world of a concubine (Ziyi) and discovers a love that is forbidden in both
cultures. This controversial picture won five Oscars, including Best Actress
for Dunst and Ziyi (a rare co-win in Academy history) and Best Picture for its
frank portrayal of homosexuality in the Victorian Era. One of the recent additions
to the National Film Registry in London.
Contains frank
sexual matters and violence. Parents strongly cautioned.
**********************************
SPECIAL ADVERTISING SECTION
Tired of finding mud stains on your clothes?
Don't want your friends to know where you've been
or what you've been doing? Try
X-Tinguish
X-Tinguish is the stain
remover that is specially formulated
to get rid of the mud, dirt and grime produced
by the rain that plagues our fair city.
To order, please call The Chaos Chemical Corp. at 555-XTIN.
(Manufacturer not responsible for any damage due
to clothes or skin from contact with this product.)
**********************************
FEATURES
By
Logans_Babe
As many of us know,
when the Pulse hit, it hit hard. Many people lost everything, and didn't gain
any of it back. Those people have been living in abandoned buildings or empty
cars. Mainly where ever they can find to give them shelter. They have little,
if anything at all. So it surprised the news crew when we found out about the
strange recreational activities that they have every Tuesday.
First, the
"community members" perform a small ritual: smacking the newest in
the face and demanding a small fee of one rat per person. Once you are in, they
have a variety of different games. Some such as the Toe Clipping Derby, are
oddly disturbing. But others like the belching contest just scream fun. There
are many other games including the Race the Rat for the Meal, Junk yard wars,
and Who had What for Breakfast. When you leave, you get a slap on the cheek,
but they keep your rat.
If you are in
the area and would like to check the games out, go to Sector 3 around Black
Street. Just remember to bring a rat for the games.
***************************
IT'S A BIRD! IT"S A PLANE! IT'S... A GIRL?
by GurgoshX5
In other news, ghosts have been sighted in the old Cameron Mansion in the high-rise district. Josh Vogel and friend Rocko Jones spent the night in the mansion on a dare. According to them, they woke at around three in the morning and heard ghostly screams. They opened their eyes to the horrifying sight of a female ghost clubbing a ghost of a small boy over the head with a lamp. Josh and Rocko ran from the room and down the stairs. Pictures were flying off the walls and one hit Rocko in the head, requiring eight stitches.
On Saturday, many people phoned the police to report that they'd seen Superwoman. Eye-witness accounts reveal that this girl was seen jumping over 3 trucks in a single bound, dodging bullets fired by the sector police, and hurling a motorcycle over 15 feet to evade capture and injure her foes. A military contact reports this girl as extremely dangerous to all who cross her path. If anyone has any information on her, they can contact the Sector Police at 555-2677. The girl was described as approximately 5'6", curly shoulder length hair, and pouty lips.
If anyone would like to
share a tale of the supernatural, please call STREETS OF SEATTLE at 555-0913.
***************************
HOW TO SURVIVE
THE POST-PULSE DEPRESSION TIP OF THE DAY
by Shnapzie
Go to your
neighborhood Laundromat and snatch up a box of dryer sheets some person so
foolishly left unattended. Besides the fact that you now have a "relatively
inexpensive" box of dryer sheets, you can also use them as a replacement for
perfume!
Girls, when getting
ready for a date, just wipe one of these sweeties on you. You'll smell
"mountain breeze" fresh, and will have the added bonus of the static
electricity not drawing you nearer to your unattractive gentleman caller more
than absolutely necessary. (On the flip side, if he's cute--you may want to
consider black market air freshener. What man can't resist the smell of
processed lilac scent!
**********************************
CLASSIFIEDS
PERSONALS
Single Hispanic
Female. looking for a single man to hug, kiss, and to hold tight
in the cold, cold mornings. call 555-0125, ask for Chica Bonita
Single Black Female
Looking for a "boo to scratch with". call 573-6157.
Single White Male
looking for a "girl" who grew up in "The Castle". Possibly
from
around "Gillette". call 555-9107 ask for the "big brother"
Single Male Seeks
intelligent woman, with a fine sense of art, opera, wine, and with
the dexterity of a cat. call 555-9170 ask for L.
Single Black Female
Looking for a witty lesbian to cook dinner, and "chill" with.
call 555-4300, ask for Diamond Eyes.
Single White Female
looking for a man with a with spiky hair, cute glasses,
millions of dollars in art on his walls, and a lot of computers. Call 555-6720
I'll answer
Lily's Choice,
I'm not sure if
anyone else caught this, but "L" and "I'll answer" are
perfect for each other! And I also think that "Diamond Eyes" and
"Single Hispanic Female" would work great.. As for "Chica
Bonita" and "Big Brother", well, they could try each other out,
but I don't think that there Lily's Choice, unless "Chica" is from
Gillette...
But Lily's OFFICIAL
Choice is... L. and I'll answer! Now, if one of you is reading this, DROP THE
PAPER! RUN TO THE NEAREST PHONE! AND well maybe you should keep the paper to
DIAL THE OTHER'S #! GO! Call NOW!
LOST: Name:
Tiger. Looks like a cat. Favorite saying, "Meow." If you have any
information call Steph@ 555-2438.
FOUND: Black
backpack with messenger service logo. Paperwork in the bag looks important, so
I'm being nice. You tell me what's in the hidden pocket and give me half, the
rest is all yours.
LOST: New dress
with price tags on it. Last seen on mannequin in store. Reward of two toilet
paper rolls to any who turn dress over. Contact Hopeful Thief @ 555-4576
FOUND: One German
Shepherd mix. Seems the owner left in a damned hurry. Anyone who knows the
owner or the pooch, contact me at the South Market because my Rottweiler has
'issues' if you get my drift. Barney The Louse.
