Welcome to the third
edition of "Streets of Seattle." Want
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Disclaimer: We
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mentioned in the scripts/episode of Dark Angel. All other characters and items in this production belong to the
respective writers. However, no profit
is sought or will be made from this production.
**********************************
STREETS OF SEATTLE
(date withheld), 2019
To our readers: The stories appearing in
today's STREETS OF SEATTLE have been cleared by the U.S. Army under the
provisions of the Martial Law Declaration of 2009 and the National Emergency
Declaration of 2010.
Editor in Chief: Jennem1
Managing Editor: Samcrazy
Conspiracy Girl: cg-double-o-nuffin (mousie)
Entertainment Editor: Jox5
Opinion Editor: Shnapzie
Contributing Reporter: Iluveyesonly
Contributing Reporter: Ninja650
Contributing Reporter: Preciousjax
Contributing Reporter: Rudiye
Contributing Reporter: Swordmeister
Contributing Reporter: The Rock
Contributing Reporter: Weirdarchive
Contributing Reporter: Angushardie
Contributing Reporter: Logans_Babe
Contributing Reporter: Dammachine
Contributing Reporter: Darkangelbby
Contributing Reporter: Daf9
Contributing Reporter: Lucifer6Lexi
Contributing Reporter: Dcracing
Contributing Reporter: Taco_chip
**********************************
MAN DIES IN POWER GRID JACKING. LIGHTS GO
OUT IN SECTOR THREE.
by Weirdarchive
In
another sad chapter of the haves and have nots, a man was electrocuted last
night in one of the more impoverished areas of Sector Three which was at one
time a gleaming jewel of the dotcom era.
The
as yet unidentified male was found with severe third degree burns in the arms
and torso area, usually associated with death by Grid Jack, the common slang
for the illegal siphoning of municipal electricity. The man's hands were near
black to the bone as they held the wire that was to have been the link to his
squatter camp. Sector Police have discovered various items such as a television
set, a reconfigured cable box that unscrambled the adult Canadian channels, an
old style VCR, about $100 worth of blank tapes, and a shoebox full of an
undisclosed amount of cash. Officer Walter Estep theorizes the man was a part
of a tape bootleg operation, which gave the local homeless in the area high
grade pornography for a mere $5. "We've had word about this kind of nonsense
going on for some time." ,the officer said on the record. "Clowns
like him are usually mobile and by the time the cable company's private
security comes in with their trackers, the preps are gone to another location.
Looks like this loser wasn't fast on his feet." According to witnesses on
the scene, there was a short yelp more like a dog than human followed shortly
by a brown-out and sparks. No fires occurred in the immediate area, but there
were some looting and break-ins during the five hour blackout. The corpse has
been turned over to the coroner's office for proper identification while the
equipment has been confiscated as possible evidence. No word on any other video
bootleggers in Sector Three.
During
the height of the dotcom era, Sector Three was the headquarters of many up and
coming e-businesses and regional home offices of such dotcoms as Amazon, eBay,
and Dani's Hard Drive. The area had experienced the brunt of the dotcom
collapse and was undergoing a rebirth of economic opportunity until the Pulse.
Since then, the area has been riddled with low tech crime and Level Two gang
warfare. This is the first time a techno crime has been reported here. Stealing
cable signals and video bootlegging (or video piracy) is punishable by twenty
years in TV LAND, the colorful term used to describe the private prisons run by
the cable industry. Thus far, there are about 1,000 inmates serving time in TV
LAND.
Power
was later restored for ten hours before the next brownout, this time from the
usual power strain. Officials promise to have it restored to Sector Three by 6
PM tonight. Sector Police will be on patrol to enforce the curfew and to
prevent further looting.
POWER JACKING LEADS TO
NEIGHBORHOOD FEUDS
by Lucifer6Lexi
The
rivalry over who gets to have a hot shower has reached a new high. While
one person sneaks downstairs to switch power cables, their roommate goes to
distract other people so they won't notice what just happened. Even
a few cat fights have broken out between female residents, much to the delight
and pleasure of the male tenants. Betting on who can keep the power the
longest has become a new sport, one woman and her roommate keeping it long
enough to each take hot showers and one bath, taking turns to guard the power
box. That particular episode won one of the other tenants two hundred and
fifty dollars.
Threats
have been made over ruined dinner parties, pillows and lamps hurled out
windows and doors to disrupt neighbors. After interviewing a disgruntled
tenant
in a very old building, she confessed that she and her roommates had gone so
far as to steal a new power box and connecting cables from a high-rise district
by
the name of Fogle Towers.
She
said that those two weeks before the cops came and took it away were the
cleanest and brightest of her life. Plants have even died, and yet we are
no
closer to solving our power problem. Will the terror of cold baths ever
end?
STECKLER COURT CASE BOMBING SCARE
by Lucifer6Lexi
The proceedings
which would decide if our wonderful mayor of Seattle really
had connections to the mob received a bomb threat right at the end of the
trial.
Since his mob connections were proven, and the newspaper cannot be harassed
for saying this now, is anyone truly surprised? Steckler had enough money to
give each of his ten girlfriends and two wives decent houses and nice cars,
while most of the world didn't have either. Bruno Anselmo, making a
dramatic
entrance on the motorcycle of an unidentified woman, made his confession right
on time.
Anselmo, who had
disappeared the night before the trial, was the prosecutor's whole case and
Steckler would have gotten off if Anselmo had not showed up. Just as Anselmo
was finishing up his statement, a bomb threat evacuated the court. Anselmo
disappeared for a few minutes in the crowd, but reappeared just in time to be
shot in the back. It is obvious that whoever had done this was on
Steckler's pay roll, but whoever did it was too late; Steckler was heading for
jail the moment Anselmo came forward with what he knew.
Another question
that will probably never be answered is, who made the
bomb threat? The obvious answer is another of Steckler's goons, but if so, why
do it so late? Why not call it during Anselmo's confession? Why
wait until
after he delivered the devastating evidence against Steckler? After
people
were allowed back into the building, this reporter went through as much of the
building as possible. Nothing was found of interest until the parking
garage,
where there lay a cattle prod, and literally puddles of blood. None of
the
bailiffs or police knew that anything occurred down there except for the
occasional hazardous fight for a parking space.
Did this have
anything to do with Anselmo arriving late, and on the back of a motorcycle?
And who was that mysterious woman? The witness protection agency stated that
Anselmo was kidnapped by a mysterious woman on a motorcycle, who was first
believed to be working with the "bad guys" since they showed up at
the same time she did. But when she later was the one to actually bring
him in, we were forced to reevaluate what we had thought of her.
Several police
officers and reporters were waiting to see what the famed Eyes Only would say
about the kidnapping, but he didn't even show himself. This adds more
questions, such as: Was the girl working with Eyes Only? Or is Eyes
Only working with Steckler? The latter is extremely doubtful, as he is
the one who first made an announcement on Anselmo and his story.
Eyes Only is
forever a mystery, but this girl is a new one. She moved too fast in the
kidnapping for the guards to even be sure she was a girl, and at the trial she
had on glasses and a hat, making any identification almost impossible.
Currently reports are being investigated of an unknown woman infiltrating
Sonrisa's place, Anselmo's former employer, a few months ago. The
newspaper was informed by a female employee there that a mysterious woman
walked in and punched her. Security cameras show that this same person was
able to walk up to Sonrisa and insult him, and then get away with it. It
may be just coincidence, but it may be the same girl. But whichever side
she is on, we have her to thank for bringing in Anselmo and ending another
corrupt politicians reign, and the reporters of Streets of Seattle would like
to thank her.
ELEVATOR SMASHED, CONCIERGE KILLED
By Darkangelbby
Police aren't
letting much information out about his one. On Tuesday night, three men walked
into a hotel, apparently searching for someone. The end result was a dead
concierge, a smashed elevator, and a very stunned bellhop. According to the
bellhop, one of the men punched through the elevator door, pressed the door
open button, and yanked the bell hop out. The frightened bell hop says that the
man did it, though covered in blood, as though he couldn't feel any pain.
I don't know about anyone else, but this reporter is
FREAKED OUT! I would tell you to lock your doors and windows and sit with a gun,
if you had one, but I'm afraid it would do no good against these
strong-man-feel-no-pain adversaries. I can only wish for you safety, as well as
mine, and to hope and pray that you're not on their list.
**********************************
SEATTLE LANDMARK SALE FALLS THROUGH. MATSUI
CORPORATION DECIDES NOT TO BUY
In
a move expected by many in the business community the Matsui corporation of
Japan has broken off talks aimed at purchasing and redeveloping the Seattle
Space Needle. The company had hoped to convert the 605 foot structure into a
combination of hotel and office space. However spokesperson Yoshiro Hashimoto noted that the expected economic
recovery in the area had not occurred and that "it would not be
economically prudent to conduct such a transaction at this time. The market
just isn't there although we do hope to revisit this in the future"
It
had been hoped that the renovation of the structure, which dates from the
Worlds Fair of 1962, would signal a renaissance in the Seattle business
district that has been long awaited by business leaders. Plans had involved a
business park and included the completion of many of the abandoned buildings
that litter the city, but it is now thought that these will be delayed for some
time to come.
The
pressure group Citizens for a Better Seattle immediately criticized the move.
The groups founder and chairman Windthrop Jenkins III said yesterday, "The
structure is a blot on our fair city and something must be done. It is clear
that vandals and undesirables use the structure and that just is not on. It
must be stamped out!"
As
to the structure itself, nobody is quite sure what to do with it, demolition
has been considered. But to demolish this towering pinnacle of 20th Century
confidence? That seems to be a betrayal of all that we have inherited from our
great and glorious past. When America was a great nation and when being a
citizen of the United States of America meant something more than it does
today. This reporter for one would not want to see that legacy become a pile of
rubble. Perhaps one day the Seattle needle will become a shining pillar of hope
to the people of Seattle and lead us back into greatness once more. For the
moment though, let us just hope that the needle continues to stand proudly
against the Seattle skyline
**********************************
MORE ECHELON
By CG-Double-Oh-Nuffin (mousie)
Last week you were
informed of the existence of the Echelon spy system. The technology is better
than you can imagine though. Yes, they can monitor any transmissions, but
that's not where their real power lies. Their real power lies in the ability to
interpret the data that they've intercepted.
To this end they
have computers and other technology that goes beyond state-of-the-art. No,
friends, this is the technology of the future, used to spy on the present. "One
tool used to sort through the text of messages, PATHFINDER (manufactured by the
UK company, Memex), sifts through large databases of text-based documents and
messages looking for keywords and phrases based on complex algorithmic
criteria. Voice recognition programs convert conversations into text messages
for further analysis. One highly advanced system, VOICECAST, can target an
individual's voice pattern, so that every call that person makes is transcribed
for future analysis." Borrowed from an article written by Patrick S. Poole.
Using this technology, Echelon is on the watch 24/7. They
wouldn't want to miss an incriminating moment! There is a "code" for each
country ( for example 5535 for Japanese diplomatic traffic, or 8182 for
communications about distribution of encryption technology). Everything is
filed carefully in heavily guarded computer files.
More next week...
**********************************
DESEASE
by DAF9
Medical
doctors from University of Washington Seattle reported today at the annual
meeting of the American Society of Cardiologists in Los Angles on the results of
a promising but radical new treatment for congestive heart failure. Dr. Sean
Anderson described 10 years of research into the use of neural implants to
improve the quality of life for patients previously bed-ridden by chronic pain.
According to Dr. Anderson's lecture this treatment in which neural implants are
used to directly suppress the pain centers of the brain does not significantly
affect life expectancy but does allow patients to resume their normal
activities for periods of up to 5 years.
The
ASC meeting was briefly interrupted by a disturbance during Dr. Anderson's
presentation. Five South African doctors rose abruptly from their chairs and
ran from the room. When questioned by reporters during the morning coffee
break, the South Africans refused to account for their surprising reaction to
Dr. Anderson's talk. "I guess we scooped them" Dr. Anderson jokingly
responded when he was asked for his reaction.
**********************************
IMPROVEMENTS TO SEATTLE: SPOT THE DIFFERENCE
By Samcrazy
Take a look out of
your window now and check out what the government has done to improve your
area. There's not much there? Okay, look at central Seattle and see what
the well-paid senator has done to improve our lives here. That's right - there's next to nothing.
We have conclusive
evidence that the dollars we've paid over the past three years in taxes has NOT
been used to re-build the city around us. Money, that we've worked so hard for and 'happily' put into the local
government to help us back onto our feet has simply disappeared.
We here at the
'Streets' have taken this mystery and unraveled the tangled web of lies and
deceit. Not an easy task, but again,
we've discovered a reason to it. We did
a general survey of each rep. in the sector made for allocating the funds to
public projects. We asked them the
question; What new projects in the area are being funded by the taxpayers
money?
We asked nine
people, and they came up with these answers. They are unnamed to avoid embarrassment.
1. "The local
hospitals in the area are being improved, thanks to the tax payers"
2. "Umm, I think
that the local primary schools are being re-stocked with much-needed supplies"
3. "New housing
estates for the homeless are being put up in the outskirts with the money"
4. "Sorry, not
sure. I would think the health services
and smaller doctors surgeries are being sorted out"
5. "The money is
being invested in new facilities for the children, we want to help the future
generations"
6. "The transport
in the area is going to be overhauled and sorted out. We here have had enough of the traffic of cars and the odd bus
being stuck in a mile long wait"
7. "The run-down
buildings are being re-build"
8. "New hospitals
are being made, to support the ones in this area, I think"
9. "Housing. Yes, I am sure that the housing in the area
is being build as we speak"
You can reach your
own conclusions by reading these. The
people in this department have no real idea of what is happening with the
money. That's because this is at the
bottom of the governments 'to do' list. Your money is being used to pay for the bureaucrats rich lifestyle, and
again, we have the proof.
Using inside
sources we rummaged around the old files in the main government spending sector
and found the lists of where each months money is going to. It read that it is being routed to each
individual government sector-except the public spending sector. We tracked down one area as an example, and
found that the outside money source as listed on the pay rolls is indeed coming
from the public spending area. There's
the answer.
So we find again
that the corruption has spread. Sad news, but we are sure that when this report
is published, the people upstairs will get their act sorted out.
AMERICAN LANGUAGE….WHAT'S
HAPPENING?
by DAF9
What's the dealio
with these new spellings that have been making their way into common usage over
the past 20 years? The most recent to come to this reporter's attention is the
frequent misspelling of the word disease as desease. Even reputable papers like
our own "Streets of Seattle" have been found to contain disease
spelled as "desease". Are our proofreaders just sloppy or is this
latter becoming an acceptable alternative form of the word? Where did it
originate?
Careful researching
of the history of "desease" has shown that the word first appeared in
print shortly after the Pulse. Lexicographers believe it's origins can be
traced to an article appearing in the Chicago Tribute dated August 26, 2013. In
that article, reporter Clifton Matthews was bemoaning the sorry state of
American medicine, particularly preventative medicine, in the months following
the Pulse. In a play on words he talked about diseases such as cystic fibrosis,
muscular dystrophy and congenital heart defects that had been well on the way
to being "cured" now more commonly resulting in death and thus more
appropriately referred to as deceases. Deceases was latter changed to deseases.
In
next weeks edition we will look at some other words whose spellings have
changed since the Pulse.
**********************************
LETTERS TO THE EDITOR
Dear Editor,
Regarding
last weeks article about the odorous emissions down by the water. I have it on
good authority that is where the Union of Unemployed Auto Workers hold their
baked bean cookouts every week. 'Nuff said I trust?
Concerned
citizen
Dear Editor,
I
am writing in response to your article of last Monday regarding child labor.
Has your reporter been in a SCHOOL lately? Drug running 101 and how to build a
better EMP are the order of the day!! My son Jeffrey is far safer working in
our family business (we "retrieve" abandoned vehicles) than he would
be in school. Join the real world Ms. Schnapzie!
Irate Father
**********************************
Seeing the same old thing day after day?
Come to the
Steel Post Saloon
on the corner of Eighth and Pender featuring
live fights by some of the fiercest women in Seattle (maybe even a few
unscheduled fights, too)
Come to the
Steel Post Saloon
Where the excitement never ends.
**********************************
FEATURES
HOW TO SURVIVE THE POST PULSE DEPRESSION TIP
OF THE DAY
By Shnapzie
So,
you have a temperamental water heater that isn't worth the effort put in to
steal it. Or you are unfortunately lacking in that particular amenity.
But
it doesn't have to be obvious that you go days at a time without a shower! Just
sprinkle a little cornstarch onto your hair and brush out. The cornstarch will
soak up the oil and dirt accumulated there. Voila! Your hair will look like
you've just washed it.
**********************************
EYES
ONLY'S MIDNIGHT MADNESS
By Jox5
Does Eyes only have a problem with Mark Dore, star of
Midnight Madness? For three weeks in a row there have been Eyes only broadcasts
interrupting the show. Is this just a coincidence or is Eyes only trying to
sabotage the show?
Some
think the broadcasts are put up during popular shows so that there will be more
people watching. Others think it is a deliberate attempt to ruin the show.
I
talked to Dore to see if there were any grudges Eyes Only might have. Dore says
that he has no idea who Eyes Only is and there is no reason for him to hurt
Midnight Madness.
"Eyes
Only is a great guy who is protecting the people of Seattle and he is welcome
to bring down the bad guys in my time slot" Dore says.
Now
that Dore supports Eyes Only, will the broadcasts continue or will they just
pop up on random times? We will just have to wait and see.
ANOTHER RETURN
By Karen Murray (iluveyesonly)
Not another pointless Mummy plot! At least the first three movies
had enough witty dialogue to surprise us. The seventh, The Return of the
Priest's Mummy, gives us none of that and less.
Set in 1945, this
loud and chaotic movie has the same basic plot as the first six. Egyptian priest
Im-Oh-Tep (Xaviar Vocluso) is back to bring from the dead (did we expect him to
stay dead? He never does!) as well girlfriend, Anck-Su-Namun, winningly played
by the exotic E. Murray Anders. An added twist, one that we haven't see six
times beforehand, he's looking for survivors of the nuclear bomb attacks. He
seems to think that these humans have a sort of mutated gene that will allow
them to follow him and become his servants and follow him, even though he's
technically dead and is able to go places mere mortals aren't. (Go figure, once
again. Ol' Tep is persistent.)
Freddie Booth is
making his fifth appearance as Alex, the annoyingly average man who happens to
have been taught ancient Egyptian by his mother (don't we miss her!). He seems
to add more to the decor than he adds to the script, though he doesn't act
amazingly cute and adorable as he did in the third and fifth, which is a plus
sign. Since the plot hangs around him, there is a slight hole, which is adeptly
filled with the use of special effects.
Probably the best
thing about this movie, it isn't the special effects horror that Star Wars:
Episodes One, Two, Three, Seven, and Eight were; the special effects are fairly
nice. A lot of decomposing mice running around Alex's face looked surprisingly
real. The ant-face was a bit disappointing; it was lingered on a bit too long
and it seemed a little too reminiscent of the sand-man, water-man, leaf-man,
hair-man, and finger-man from the six original movies.
However, all in
all, gross special effects win me. Maybe I'm just a freak at heart, but I
thought the movie was plotless but enjoyable. I lost the trail of though in the
movie early on and found it not necessary to find it again. You can forget
about the unmemorable dialogue and just watch to see just how this decomposing
menace looks while he walks. Its simple.
Bottom line: Special Effects are good, plot worse than originals.
**********************************
All Bug-R-Us customers are
cordially invited to a cookout party! The cookout is modeled after the old
tradition of crawfish (aka mud bugs) boil in the South. Instead of mud bugs, we
will be serving various types of exotic bugs that you, the customers, have
contributed to our large collection during our extermination visits. It
promises to be a tasty and healthy, with the combination of high protein and
great spices. Come and join us!
Bug-R-Us, we turn pests into
feasts!
**********************************
BOOKS
Harry Potter
#22: The Severed Cauldron Harry's
10-year-old twins begin their first year at Hogwarts. They throw the school
into an uproar as they refuse to accept the verdict of the Sorting Cap, which
places Jason in Slytherin and James in Gryffindor. Although another fine effort
by JK Rowling, her trove of magical imagery is running a bit low. (Yet another
shape-shifting tabloid reporter? Please.) And while her stories have been a
favorite form of escapism for Seattle residents for years, those without a
magic wand—or access to England's stocked groceries--would likely prefer fewer
graphic descriptions of grand banquets and midnight snacks. Jennem1
Nancy Drew III The granddaughter of the original Nancy
Drew, her boyfriend Fred and her best friend Tess solve crime in modern day
Seattle. In this latest episode, published by the estate of Carolyn Keene,
Nancy and her friends solve the Case of the Missing Clock. Thieves abscond with
a clock from the Space Needle. Who did the dastardly deed? Daf9
Power
Jacking for Dummies. This latest in the how-to-for-dummies series explains in
great detail how to get electricity for a hot shower, a fancy meal or an
adult-toy without getting killed either by electrocution or angry neighbors.
The authors WEIRDARCHIVES and LUCIFER6LEXI, both reporters for Streets of
Seattle, seem to really know what they're talking about. Biographical details
are limited so it may be that these people have personal, hands-on experience
with this topic. Daf9
In
its fifth publication, I Am The Weakest Link: The Life Story
of Karen Murray did smashingly well in England. In the rags to riches
story, the ever-popular presidential candidate writes on her earliest memories
to current day. Being a shy thirty-something, she gives no official date for
anything, but it is safe to say she's thirty-seven, if you take the
publications of the Harry Potter books. Iluveyesonly
"How
to Take Over the World and Get Away With It" is being released this week,
the second book in a trilogy by JD Arnold, the self proclaimed imperial leader
of the world. The first book, "Understanding the Voice In Your Head",
sold four copies, three of them by her mother. She wrote this second book from
her padded cell by scratching the words into wood with a sharp stick. When
asked for the inspiration for her work, she was quoted as saying "Well, it
came to me one day in October or 1999....GET OUT OF MY HEAD, YOU EVIL
PANCAKE!!" Our love for her work is based simply out of fear for her
cannibalistic side. Preciousjax
**********************************
RESTAURANTS
C This new venue promises chicken at a
reasonable price, no matter what the current market status. Sure, the high-end
restaurants of Seattle always have meat, but is there at last an option for
those of us on a lower budget? Maybe not. One thing we've all realized over the
years of this recession: a lot of things taste like chicken. And as the
management of "C" refuses to allow reporters to view the kitchen, we're a
little suspicious. Still, if you're not fussy and have a great imagination, "C"
offers "Creative" meat dishes that won't use up your paycheck. Average meal
excluding beverage, tax, gratuity $48. 48 Center. Tues.-Sat. 12pm-1am. Jennem1
South Market Café The large black "No Guns, no drugs" sign hanging out front says it all. South Market Café promises that your meal will be interrupted no more than twice by a drive by shooting or the price of your drinks will be refunded. The menu is eclectic, depending upon what the waiters manage to steal from the higher end restaurants in the "good" parts of town. This critic recommends the rat pasta tricolore. For drinks, whatever you do – stay AWAY from the water. Anything with alcohol is relatively sterile and therefore unlikely to make you ill. Prices are negotiable, especially if you're packing heat. Hours are flexible, based on when the Sector Police are occupied elsewhere, but if you show up after 10PM on a Fri or Sat night and don't mind waiting around a few hours, chances are SMC will be able to accommodate you. Note, most of the staff are on parole so if you are a known criminal please take your business elsewhere. Daf9
**********************************
Hello!!! I have a
used habit trail for sale and It's only had to gerbils in it but they both died
in it. It has been cleaned out!! comes with 8 tubes and two home units. first
$35 takes it home!! just email me and we can make the arrangements.
HELP WANTED: Dark
Dreary Abandoned Air Strip requires youthful security personal, applicants must
have a build similar to the Rock, and must have an IQ lower than 20, oh and no
weirdo's GB
I'm thinking about
moving to Seattle. I hate living in the streets so do any of you locals know if
JamPony is hiring? do I need my own bike? I need this info ASAP because my
court date comes up soon! and its time to Jam!!!!
51
year old cranky geneticist looking for rock star boy toy. Must enjoy massaging
bunions and singing Beatles songs. DAF9
Single
Woman looking for a male: must be able to hold an intellectual conversation and
tell me about the conspiracies that are going on in the city.
330417291599[X5-612(SPOTZGIRL16)]
Single
male looking for an adventurous, rebellious woman that doesn't sleep much and
has a bad attitude. X5-650(NINJA650)
Single
Male looking for woman who likes junk food. MUST BE FEMALE!
x5-158(DTM)(DAMMACHINE)
Single
Female looking for Single Male who likes to have fun, dance, who likes to kiss
[;0)], likes scary/funny/sweet/romantic movies, and music. X5-452(DARKANGELBBY)
Funny, pretty and
bright female looking for nice male...must resemble ninja!!! Man must be nice,
rich and have a big house... X5 420-Ninja and DTM's sista (LOGANS_BABE)
