EDITORIAL

Welcome to the fourth edition of "Streets of Seattle." Want to participate? Reply via review, visit us at http://pages.prodigy.net/jennem , or email jennem@usa.net. Everyone is welcome, and no writing experience is necessary.

PLEASE READ AND REVIEW! Writers live for feedback, and we've got lots of writers here!

Disclaimer: We do not own the Dark Angel universe, the characters therein, or any details as mentioned in the scripts/episode of Dark Angel. All other characters and items in this production belong to the respective writers. However, no profit is sought or will be made from this production.

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STREETS OF SEATTLE

(date withheld), 2019

To our readers: The stories appearing in today's STREETS OF SEATTLE have been cleared by the U.S. Army under the provisions of the Martial Law Declaration of 2009 and the National Emergency Declaration of 2010.

Editor in chief: Jennem1

Managing editor: Samcrazy

Opinions Editor: Shnapzie

Entertainment Editor: Jox5

Chief Reporter: Daf9

Featured Reporter: Weirdarchive

Contributing Reporter: Ninja650

Contributing Reporter: Angushardie

Contributing Reporter: Iluveyesonly

Contributing Reporter: Darkangelbby

Contributing Reporter: Sportzgirl16

Contributing Reporter: Rudiye

Contributing Reporter: Dammachine

Contributing Reporter: The Jerk

Official Mail Girl: Logans_babe

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LOCAL NEWS

STOLEN ROCKWELL RECOVERED BY AMERICAN HISTORICAL RECOVERY SOCIETY

By Weirdarchive

In a press conference at the Northwest Regional Headquarters of the American Historical Recovery Society, a stolen Norman Rockwell was unveiled safe and sound by member of the Executive Board Logan Cale. This priceless treasure was stolen from the National Museum in one of the many recent break-ins of America's art galleries and cultural treasure houses. The culprits, leading up to a local crime lord known only as Mister Duvalier, have been either arrested or have left the country. Officials have vowed to hunt down the remaining suspects 'to the ends of the earth', according to an unnamed Executive Board member.

This is another victory for the fledging group dedicated to the recovery and restoration of American art and cultural treasures lost either in the chaos of the Dark Months or sold to fund the government. The Society was a small organization established at the Turn to help organize resources and personnel in the recovery of stolen and lost artwork. After the Pulse and the furor over the selling of the Statue of Liberty to the Sultan of Brunei, the Society's role expanded to preserving and coordinating efforts to keep the remaining American cultural icons, landmarks, and art treasures within American shores by any legal means necessary. Some of their most recent triumphs have been the rescue of The Washington Monument, the co-funding to preserve Mount Rushmore and the Crazy Horse Memorial by the United Native American Tribes, the relocation of the entire Rock and Roll Hall of Fame and Museum from its precarious location of Cleveland to its temporary (and safer) headquarters of London, and its most famous effort to date the spiriting away of the Enola Gay (the airplane that dropped the Hiroshima Bomb in 1945) to an undisclosed location from the Anti-Nuke Riots of 2009-2012.

The Society is funded by some of the most notable North American celebrities, millionaires, and industrialists. Among some of the companies giving money and assistance are Cale Industries, Microsoft International, McDonald's, Sony Pictures, Cyperdyne, and the American Alternative Energies Corporation. Its budget has allowed it to fund exhibits of American culture and keep them from the auction block and the Black Market. Of course, controversy has dogged the Society from its begrudging approval of the moving of the Baseball Hall of Fame from Cooperstown to its international branch in Kyoto to its negotiating with the rogue Republic of Alaska to recover the remaining Pollack Exhibit which was touring North America prior to the Pulse. So far, the Federal government has not condemned the Society mostly due to its good work and publicity.

The Society's long term goals are to reclaim all stolen American artwork, landmarks, and exhibits from private collections and national museums presently housed in such countries as Korea, Brunei and the Hong Kong Independent Trade Zone as well as the restoration of such treasures as the Statue of Liberty back to American shores. To this end, the United Nations (presently headquartered in its de facto offices of Toronto) has offered its assistance to the Society to that end. Other nations and blocs such as the European Union and the Asian Co-Prosperity Sphere have also given their support in recovering American art stolen or lost in the chaos of the Pulse.

FLYING DEAD PEOPLE: Signs of Defenestration

by Ninja650

Are you familiar with the term defenestration? Well, this week, some people have been introduced to this term as they have seen a person defenestrated from the building at 435 Bledsoe. None of these people wanted to come forward for fear of them being next. But this situation goes farther than just a single act of cruelty. It's much deeper than that.

Although none of the witnesses wanted themselves revealed, we did get a chance to get some answers out of them. One woman, who was on her usual late-night jog around the block, turned down Bledsoe just in time to see a man tossed from the window. Her statement includes the fact that the man was screaming in terror the whole way down. Another, from the building across the way, said he saw the flying man through the window of his apartment. His window was shut so he did not hear the screaming, but saw the man flailing his arms. The strange part about this is that we hear from the autopsy room that the man was killed by a single gunshot wound to the head. Last I heard, dead men don't scream in terror or flail their arms.

The following day, the supposed killer was apprehended at the Seattle Metro Airport while trying to flee the country to Singapore. The weapon used to kill the defenestrated man was found in the bag of the suspect as it went through the metal detector. Can you smell some sort of cover-up? After the Metro Airport security found the gun in his bag, the apprehended suspect replied, "Man, that ain't mine." Perhaps he was telling the truth. Either someone is trying to frame him for a murder, or he is just that stupid to try to get on a plane with a gun in his bag.

The suspect denies all charges against him and will be tried later on the following week. All signs point to him at the moment, so unless the witnesses come forward and testify about the incident, explaining that the man died before receiving the shot, a man may be wrongfully punished for a crime he did not commit. However, this leaves more questions to ponder: Why shoot a dead man in the head? And if this guy didn't do it, why was he trying to leave the country? Maybe these questions and more will be answered once the trial gets under way.

RAPHAEL BANKS DRESS STOLEN...AND STRANGER PAYS FOR IT

by Darkangelbby

Two days ago... a $6000 Raphael Banks Dress... a true one-of-a-kind... was stolen without a trace of evidence. The saleswoman says: "I was holding it for a woman who was about 20, 21? Anyways she asked if I could hold it for her and I said yes. She said that she would pick it up later and that was fine with me. Poor dear... she looked as though she was in love with that dress..."

Meanwhile... the cops are as dumbfounded as the saleswoman. the thief broke in with out a noise and leave with out being seen or heard by the guard or the saleswoman. It seemed as though the dress just VANISHED with out a trace. The store was in a world of hurt... that was a $6000 dress! The thief seemed only to be there to get that, because none of the other dresses were stolen, vandalized, or ruined. But that wasn't the biggest shock....

A wealthy citizen (with deep pockets and a good heart) paid the store the $6000 that they would have lost if the dress wasn't recovered. Although the citizen did it anonymously, he/she got a discount from that store... of $10 off the next purchase...

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INTERNATIONAL NEWS

TAKING LIBERTIES WITH MS. LIBERTY

by Angushardie

The City of New York and Mohammed Abdul Al Bin, the Sultan of Brunei, yesterday concluded talks concerning the sale of the Statue of Liberty. The statue, a symbol of America to thousands of immigrants throughout the 19th and 20th Centuries was sold for an estimated 250, 000 Euros (1.3 trillion dollars).

It is said that the Sultan intends it as a gift for his youngest daughter Yasmin's 13th Birthday. A spokeswoman for the Embassy of the sultanate of Brunei spoke of the Princess Yasmin's great interest in Americana and all things American. "Yes she has a great collection, statuary is a particular favorite. She almost has a complete collection of presidents now, acquired by her doting father from the city of Washington. All of the great presidents are there, Lincoln, Jefferson, Washington, even some of the not so great presidents like Clinton and Bush. She also has some kind of large monument and a bit of some pool that she had dug out of the ground in Washington DC, I'm not quite sure what it is or was but there it is back home standing there in the desert."

The princess is thought to have expressed an interest in the statue after watching the movie Titanic, where the surviving passengers reaching New York and pass under the shadow of the great statue. However some have suggested that it is simply an attempt to counter the recent purchase of the Mount Rushmore monument by her cousin and rival Jemima, daughter of the Sultan of Dubai. The two young women have been locked in rivalry for some years now. It is thought that the princess Jemima will be unable to beat this purchase and that she may have to admit defeat.

The city of new York and the NYSeaPort Military District announced the deal late Friday evening amid some controversy. However it is felt by most that a good price was made and that both sides are very happy with the deal and both mentioned that the statue would be removed quickly to avoid time for protests. At the time of writing most of the upper portion of the statue has been removed and only the lower parts of the legs and feet remain.

There have been some protests but for many New Yorkers the removal was both unexpected and unwelcome.

"Its like a loss of hope, y'know" said one.

"The great lady's gone, we're all gonna die!" said another New Yorker who seemed rather the worse for drink at the time.

Perhaps the most telling impression of our modern age is the response of Johan Marks of Trenton who when asked his opinion merely replied

"What? Who? Don't make no difference to me man. "

Perhaps it may be better to see the statue in the hands of a caring collector than in the control of people who neither know nor care about her. And perhaps one day the American People might be able to buy her back and restore her to the entrance to New York harbor where the light from that great torch may once more guide ships safely into port.

POPE DIES WHILE DELIVERING MASS

by Daf9

Vatican City, June 12,2020

In a move that stunned officials and spectators alike, the highly controversial Pope Gregory XVII was assassinated today while delivering his weekly sermon at St. Peter's Cathedral. The assassin came out of nowhere; moving incredibly quickly and hurtling barriers and checkpoints designed to protect the Pope as if they weren't there. While the Pope's bodyguards had barely managed to draw their weapons, a figure clothed in a black leather jumpsuit leapt almost 20 feet onto the platform where the Pope stood, grabbed the man, broke his neck and disappeared quickly back into the crowd.

Although several spectators suffered minor gunshot wounds none were seriously injured. The assassin made a clean get-away leaving security officials completely baffled. One of the bodyguards on the scene said in a chocked voice and with tears in his eyes "It happened so quickly....we tried but....". When asked for his reaction, the American Ambassador to the Vatican said "While the American government and the Vatican have been at odds over several issues lately, we are of course grieved to see the life of this courageous man end in such a cowardly manner". Funeral arrangements are underway and will be announced latter this week. Foreign policy analysts are unsure how this will affect American/Vatican negotiations since a successor to Pope Gregory has yet to be chosen.

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MEDICINE

A CURE FOR SPINAL INJURY

by Daf9

At the quadrennial meeting of the International Society of Neurology and Neurosurgery, being held this week at the Washington State Convention and Trade Center, Dr. Sean McMillan of the Dept. of Neurology, University of Glasgow, Scotland reported on ground breaking research that offers new hope for individuals paralyzed due to traumatic spinal injury. The work of Dr. McMillan and his team represents the culmination of over thirty years of research into the use of embryonic stem cells to induce nerve regeneration in human beings.

For most of that time researchers have been frustrated by three problems. The first is the difficulty in isolating these cells in large numbers as they can only be obtained from aborted fetuses or umbilical cord blood. The identification of the correct mix of growth factors to sustain the cells in culture so as to optimize their ability to travel through the bloodstream to the site of the injury has also proved more problematic than originally anticipated. A third problem was in insuring that the stem cells do not raise an immune response in the recipient. The final hurtle to be overcome was to modify the cells to enable them to both repair the injury by regenerating the nerve and to dissolve the scar tissue that would otherwise leave the patient in constant pain once feeling returned to the affected area. All three of these problems have now been solved and Dr. McMillan predicts that his technique will be generally available to patients within two years.

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EDITORIAL

LIVE TO SEE 60

by Shnapzie

At the turn of the century, the life expectancy was around 72, and it wasn't uncommon to live to be 90 or older. Statistically, each year as technology and medicine improve, life expectancy is also supposed to rise. So today's citizens should live to be, oh...seventy five? Eighty, even?

Well, last time I looked, I didn't see very many old people. And I suppose that's understandable, since the life expectancy of today is 60! How, in an age of the greatest medical miracles ever witnessed (there's even talk on the street of "genetically enhanced humans" running around, whatever that means) can people be expected to live over a decade less than twenty years earlier?

Actually, it's not as odd as it looks. Those common parts of everyday life all contribute to less time here on Earth. Observe:

*Gangs. They're everywhere. Prudent people avoid them. But from the Mafia to the more visible--but no less dangerous --street gangs, they leave a string of violence in their wake, and are responsible for the death of many, many, people. Drive-by shootings, belonging to a rival gang, making a bargain--and then not living up to one's end of it....all of these are frequent causes of death.

*Poverty. Well, duh. Of course poverty is in the list. But for less obvious reasons than just not being able to afford food. Not being able to afford a house puts one in constant exposure to the elements. Squat, and one becomes a favorite target of the Sector Police. And often, there's not enough money to spend on personal hygiene.

*Collapse of government aid. We all bemoaned Medicare and Medicaid, complained about all of our tax dollars we had to waste on it. But because of the collapse of these essential programs, many people have died, and will continue to die. Elderly people who couldn't work couldn't afford food and rent without their monthly check. (Have you noticed that today, the majority of old people live in the high-rise district? Most of the poor elderly folks have passed away.) And the millions who caught one of those new viruses certainly can't hold a job--thus, no money to pay for expensive treatments.

*Cost of new procedures. Sure, all these new procedures are available. But one has to have lots and lots of money to pay for them! And insurance is more expensive and pays for less. (Not to mention that many clinics and hospitals demand cash up front.)

These are just a few of the many things that contribute to the lower life-expectancy. Sad, isn't it? But the good thing about knowing this is that when one knows, one can self-improve [Ed. interpretation: Get a job, yeh wankers!] Or, one can always blame the government, the international economics situation, Alaska seceding, or TV execs canceling a favorite program (that last one is the leading cause of suicide today.)

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LETTERS TO THE EDITOR

Dear Editor,

I read your last edition and I'm responding to one of your articles. You know, the one about the smashed elevator? How stupid do you people think we are? Do you really expect us to believe that someone actually punched through an elevator door? That's not humanly possible. Especially the part about him not feeling any pain after doing that? Come on, now. I think you guys somehow got your facts mixed up cause I, for one, don't believe a word of that article. I know the elevator was actually smashed, I seen it myself. But it had to have been done with some kind of weapon or something and not by someone punching it.

I read your paper all the time, but if you guys are going to start making things up just so you can get a story, then you're going to have one less reader.

Skeptical reader.

Dear Editor,

I was real ticked off when I read the article about the Steckler court case bombing scare in last week's edition. Your reporter, one Ms. or Mr. Lucifer6Lexi, didn't say nothing about what a hero Bruno Anselmo was. As a former girlfriend of Bruno's and friend of his wife I can tell you that while he wasn't exactly faithful to me or his wife, he was a fun guy and a great father to his little girl. His friends are gonna miss him.

Irate reader.

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ADVERTISEMENT

Angelo Biondello

Independent Building Designer

(555) BELIEVE

Never Give Up

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ENTERTAINMENT

THE NILLSONS CANCEL CONCERT

By Jox5

Last Friday night the world famous jazz band The Nilsson's were going to have a special concert at the Space Needle.

It never happened. Why? Some little rich boy wanted them to play at his wedding. So instead of having a concert were to proceeds were going to restore the Space Needle, Mike Nilsson and his family were at a mansion selling out.

City Jazz fan will have to wait and see if the sector police will open the city so they can go to the Portland concert on Tuesday.

This incident only proves what this reporter has long believed. Everybody has a price.

MOVIES

By Weirdarchive

Some notable movies to watch for on Cineplex, Canada.:

MY EYES GO GRAY 7: HEARTBEATS BLEED INTO STONE, 2012, starring Asia Argento, Chow Yun-Fat, and Ashley Judd. Written and directed by Dario and Asia Argento. Unrated.The most successful Asian horror series to date gets the Giallo treatment as Italy's master terror director and his equally provocative daughter (who directed her own shocking trilogy BLEED, BREED, BREATHE) give an a skewed look of Chinese life in Rome with a paranormal twist and some well received closure of some unanswered questions from Dario's 'Three Mothers' Trilogy (SUSPIRIA, INFERNO, MORTIS ROMA). An American journalist named Persephone (Judd) is haunted by visions of a murdered Chinese dissent (Yun-Fat) who was assassinated in Rome during his speech tour. As the visions increase in intensity and insanity, Persephone is drawn to the world of Chinese politics, Greek legends, and Argento's own mythos of The Three Mothers, paying special attention to Mater Lacrimarum (cameoed by Jennifer Connelly and Kristen Dunst). Fans of the GRAY series and the Argentos have been split over the hidden meanings and political symbolism of the film, owing to their support for artistic freedom in then Communist China. This was Dario Argento's final film before his death in 2015. Contains violence and sensuality. Parents strongly cautioned.

LOVE TEARS, 2007, starring Sarah Jessica Parker and Christina Ricci. Written and directed by Anne Heche. Rated R.One of the most moving films from the Lesbian Film Era (the time between 2007 and 2011 where Hollywood and later Asian Cinema dealt with lesbian themes in a frank and honest manner). Nicole (Parker) and her sister Delia (Ricci) must deal with their falling out after Nicole's turbulent love affair with Delia's best friend (Oscar nominated performer Charisma Carpenter) turns sour with her acceptance of Christ. While this movie is noted for Parker's one and only time she did full frontal nudity and torrid love scenes with Carpenter (who also has a steamy scene with Ricci) which had to be edited for content to get a 'R' rating (the original version is presently unavailable due to stipulations of her estate, requesting the full version not be released until the death of her husband Matthew Broderick.), it is true to the prejudices of various Christian sects against the gay community and the fallacy of sexual conversion. Heche draws from her own experience with her relationships with Ellen DeGeneres, Steve Martin, and her father. Nominated for five Oscars and received the Independent Spirit Award for Best Movie. Contains sexual themes. Parents strongly cautioned.

BOING!, 2018, Voiceovers from Kate Winslet, Tom Green, and Li Ling Soo. Directed by Li Ling Soo. Rated GThe heartfelt anime tale of a toy's search for his master, now grown-up and living in Beijing, is wonderfully captured in the latest generation of computer animation. Winslet gives the voice of the Toy Fairy Queen who helps the toy (voiced by Soo) find his owner (voiced by Green) who runs a shipping company and feels life is passing him by and is isolated from his son (voiced by Philip Green-Barrymore, the son of Tom Green and then wife Drew Barrymore). This is Green's most mature performance to date, owing to his near fatal accident caused by one of his comedy acts. Winslet received a Golden Globe nomination for Best Actress. Contains some comedic violence. All ages.

BOOKS

Idiots' Guide to the Human Genome. This long, boring, complicated tome is written by Streets of Seattle reporter DAF9 who is old enough to know better. Chock full of scientific language that no sane lay person can understand, spelling errors that any 10 year old could correct, run on sentences with no discernible subject or verb and irrational arguments that even her editor couldn't follow, this book has ABSOLUTELY NO redeeming features. Except perhaps as fire starter. Daf9

The Definitive Guide to the End of the Millennium, Part I The hottest craze among teens is flashing back to the good old days of the 1980s and 1990s. Fueled by black market copies of "Tiger Beat" and "Sassy," and fuzzy videos of "Top Gun" and "Revenge of the Nerds," today's kids roam the streets in search of Dippity-Do, belly-button rings, and Sting CDs. This series tells you what to say, what to do, and what to wear for the ultimate GenX experience. Wonder where slang like "dealio" or "lickety chick" originated? Want to know all the words to the theme songs of Diff'rent Strokes and The Love Boat? Now you can style your hair like Blair from "The Facts of Life," or dress like any of the many incarnations of Madonna. The Millennium guide offers all that, and so much more. Jennem1

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ADVERTISEMENT

MAKE YOUR OWN METHANE!

That's right, America. Why depend on the rogue state of Alaska or the corporate gasoline clowns or the chumps running the power grids who overcharge their brown-outs when you can have safe clean self-sufficient and cheap energy for your grandkids? Happy Hard Harry's Helpful Guide To Methane Harvesting And Harnessing will show you how to make biological waste from your own toilet and outhouse into energy gold!!!! If you hate keeping watch on your windmills and solar collectors from thieves, this handy guide will help you make a genuine methane generator in the safety and privacy of your own home or apartment complex for just pennies. Diagrams will show you how to build, maintain, and upgrade your generator for years of safe reliable performance. Why be a wage slave to the power corps when you can give them, the Alaskans, and the Feds the Finger?!?!? Call (850)555-POWER to obtain your plans to energy freedom!

WARNING: Use and construction of private methane generators could be a direct violation of the Federal Alternate Energy Safety Act of 2015. Consult with your Military Commissioner for Public Safety for guidelines. This offer not available in the Republic of Alaska or disputed zones of Texas and Florida.

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FEATURES

HOW TO SURVIVE THE POST-PULSE DEPRESSION TIP OF THE DAY

by Shnapzie

The best items to burn in your trash can:

*Worn out pieces of cardboard (your own piece, or steal one from your neighbor's shanty)

*The wrappings on packages couriers deliver

*Fake womens' hair (you know which section you get this at)

*The residue from alcoholic beverages

*Old newspapers (Of course, you would never think of burning this one, right??)

*Wood packing crates (many old warehouses and abandoned air fields have these just lyin' around. It's not like they need any of them)

DUMPSTER DIVING...Employment Opportunity or Hobby for the Ages?

by Daf9

While bicycling into work the other night this reporter spotted an expensive evening gown hanging outside a back-alley dumpster. Detouring to take a look, I became aware that a young female teenager was frantically sorting through the dumpster's contents. I briefly considered taking the dress while the woman was otherwise occupied but as it appeared to be about a size 3 and therefore much too small to be of any use to me, I didn't bother to stop. But it started me to thinking about why an obviously wealthy socialite would be digging through trash and that started me to thinking about dumpster diving in general. We all know that in this post-Pulse era of scarce resources dumpster diving is a common, and sometimes quite profitable, self-employment opportunity. But how many of our readers are aware that this activity has been around as a hobby for many, many years. The sight of that young wealthy woman suggests that there may currently be a resurgence of this craze among the offspring of Seattle's well-to-do. While I have no doubt that the majority of the citizenry are well aware of safe dumpster diving practices, for the benefit of our less-informed readers who choose to "indulge", the following guidelines are provided as a public service.

#1. Make sure the lid of the dumpster is secure in the open position before entering.

#2. Watch out for sharp trash such as broken window glass or needles.

#3. Leave any bodies or body parts alone. Despite rampant police corruption, your fingerprints or DNA on a dead body will still buy you a whole dumpster full of trouble with the local authorities from which even your daddy's money may not be able to extract you.

#4. Carry a nice long stick for poking into back corners and a gun for any rats you may have to fight for your treasure.

#5. If anyone in authority asks you what you are doing, run like heck!

#6. Wear old clothes. I can only imagine how that young woman I saw the other night was going to feel having to climb back into her expensive evening gown after her time in the dumpster.

#7. Be careful of what you take. If you are caught with identification that doesn't belong to you, be prepared to spend several days explaining yourself to the Sector Police. Not to mention the large fine. And whatever you do, leave any evidence pointing to police corruption STRICTLY alone. You don't want to know what will happen if you are caught with any of that.

These rules were revised from Jack Hoff's Dumpster Diving for Fun and Profit, published in 1995. This book is now out-of-print but rummaging through the large dumpster out back of the Bill & Melinda Gates branch of the public library I managed to find a copy.

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SPORTS

WHEELCHAIR BASKETBALL

By Sportzgirl16

There is a new sports league - Wheelchair Basketball.

Today as I was walking down the street I noticed a group of men playing basketball in their wheelchairs. I thought this was a rather peculiar sight. I stand around and watch for a few minutes and become absorbed into the game. After the game I talked to one of the men. He said, "Yeah this is a new thing, but it's getting popular fast. We've got quite a few teams going right now and there are always new people that want to join. Hell we even have a few people that went and got wheelchairs so they could play with us."

Every year there are new versions of the pre-pulse sports appearing. This is one of the few ways people have found to amuse themselves. The great thing about this is, it's not just for the handicapped, it's for everyone.

If you are interested in being a part of this new sport, call Julie here at the Streets of Seattle.

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NEIGHBORHOOD

EVENTS

LIVE! at the South Market gun shop & comedy club. The Royal Canadian Air Farce performs their hilarious spoof on Seattle's own Eyes Only. Called "Exclusively Noses", this skit must be seen to be believed. Catch it this week only. Performances at 8 & 11PM.

Next Wednesday between 2 PM and whenever. Bicycle stunts performed by professional bicycle couriers. Sponsored by Joe's bicycle repair shop, Jam Pony challenges all comers. Entrance fee $25 or equivalent in bicycle parts. Must sign waiver absolving sponsors of any responsibility for damages but participants will be offered 10% discount on future repairs by Joe's. Tickets to watch event are free but all spectators required to provide a drink for one of the contestants. See you there.

CLOTHING EXCHANGE Thursday, 8PM - Midnight St. Isadore's Church of the Needy Wanderer. Bring any gently worn clothing that you no longer wear, and trade it for more appropriate items. Casual clothing, outerwear, children's clothing, formalwear, find what you need and get rid of what you don't. There is no cash donation or charge for this event. Note: For legal reasons, we will not accept blood-stained clothing, nor any garments with knife or bullet holes (even if the blood has been removed). Additionally, participants must remain fully dressed at all times, and may not trade clothing that is actually on their bodies at the time.

ANNIVERSARIES

Actors Jessica Alba and Michael Weatherly celebrate their 19th anniversary this week in Seattle Washington. Mr. and Mrs. Weatherly and their 5 children came to Seattle for the celebration because this was as close as they could get to Vancouver Canada where the couple met 20 years ago while filming a highly popular dramatic series called Dark Angel. "Many people said it wouldn't last, especially after a memorable film opening at which Mike wore a really funny costume" said Ms. Alba smiling fondly at her husband. "But don't tell our children about that." Daf9

DEATHS

A sad moment took place when 39 year old Britney Spears was found dead in her Seattle apartment on June 14, 2020. Spears had been strangled to death by an unknown assailant. Investigations are still taking place to try to discover who the killer is. The only evidence the police have is a letter left by the attacker that read, "I should have done this 20 years ago." Police think it may have been the acts of a stalker or jealous person who followed Spears' career.

Miss Spears came onto the music scene in 1997 with her first single "Hit Me Baby One More Time" and her next single "You Drive Me Crazy." She became known for her talented vocals and rhythmic dancing on stage. She was looked up to by many young girls of that age at that time and became their role model.

Spears decided a few years before her death to try to rekindle her singing career in dedication to her mother who had passed away by a heart attack. She was on tour promoting her upcoming album with the hit single "I'm Stronger (2020 Remix)." It is on this tour where she found herself in Seattle where she would do her last show. One thing is for sure, the energetic girl from Kentwood, Louisiana will surely be missed. Ninja650

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CLASSIFIEDS

For sale. One slightly used Ugly blue Aztek van thing. Will trade for something of interest. Like a "real" car of equal or lesser value. You can contact me at mymotherdressesmefunny.com

Man for hire. Will perform odd jobs. Skills include computer hacking, cooking, dressing up real nice for pictures, steering and braking with one hand while shooting a hand gun with the other. 555-5555

HELP WANTED: Independent self-employed young woman looking for man to do odd jobs. Desired skills include computer hacking, whipping up culinary miracles, high degree of accuracy with a pistol even while driving. Should also be wealthy and enjoy writing poetry.

WANTED: Ground floor apartment for old lady tired of getting off on the wrong floor of her high rise. Contact Mrs. Morano, Fogle Towers.

For sale. One small screen TV. Runs off power generated by stationary exercise bike. $200 or will trade for teeth. Contact me at www.mayIhaveyerteeth.com

For sale. One pair of blue jeans, white shirt, purpley blue tie, denim jacket and sunglasses. Worn only once in public. $.25 Contact DTM at www.mayIhaveyerteeth.com