STREETS OF SEATTLE

STREETS OF SEATTLE

(date withheld), 2019

http://pages.prodigy.net/jennem

To our readers: The stories appearing in today's STREETS OF SEATTLE have been cleared by the U.S. Army under the provisions of the Martial Law Declaration of 2009 and the National Emergency Declaration of 2010.

Editor in Chief: Jennem1

Managing Editor: Samcrazy

Politics Editor: Preciousjax

Chief Financial Officer: Logans_Babe

Entertainment Editor: Jox5

Opinion Editor: Shnapzie

Senior Reporter: Daf9

Featured Reporter: Weirdarchive

Contributing Reporter: Angushardie

Contributing Reporter: Ewachsmuth

Contributing Reporter: Darkangelbby

Contributing Reporter: Dammachine

Contributing Reporter: Sportzgirl16

Contributing Reporter: Iluveyesonly

Contributing Reporter: Willow771

Contributing Reporter: DCRacing

Contributing Reporter: 727Angel

Contributing Reporter: The Rock

http://pages.prodigy.net/jennem

*********************************

EDITOR'S NOTE

Welcome to the Fifth Edition of the Streets of Seattle. This week, we are presenting our first-ever Poetry edition, in honor of a new book by Streets of Seattle reporter DAF9.

To be entirely honest, there was a recent unfortunate office incident involving some tires, baby oil, a crane, and Daf9. Our attorneys have advised us that she will not pursue legal action if we let her do whatever the heck she wants to this edition. And what she wants, apparently, is to stick limericks everywhere and advertise her upcoming book and event.

Best known for her incredibly unpopular "Idiots Guide to the Human Genome", DAF9 has come out with yet another tome. This one is titled with typical DAF9 humility "Greatest Limericks of the Third Millennium". What can we say? The artwork is nice and the paper is shiny. In other words we wouldn't even be reviewing the book if DAF9 was not threatening to go on strike. Wait a week or so and if you really want to read it you will probably find it in the dumpster behind your local public library.

Live this week only! By the dumpster out back of Fogle Towers in the high-rise district. DAF9 recites limericks from her hot new book "Greatest Limericks of the Third Millennium".

In addition, Daf9 insisted we hold a Poetry Contest. Since she did not allow us to publicize it, all 483 entries were written by Daf9. However, we got a really cool personal ad that was mis-delivered to Editorial, and due to a quirk in the rules were able to declare it the winner. You will find it later in this edition.

Thank you for your time and we now return you to some news of actual importance.

Jennem1

http://pages.prodigy.net/jennem

*********************************

LOCAL NEWS

MISSING CAT BURGLAR BAFFLES POLICE

By Daf9

For several years the high rise district experienced a rash of burglaries that ended abruptly almost a year ago. Today the police officially closed the case without every solving it.

Many of the apartments reporting thefts had expensive security systems that were thwarted with ridiculous ease, suggesting that a professional felon was responsible. However, some of the items stolen were unusual to say the least. For example, Mr. and Mrs. Jason Mason reported that in addition to cash, stocks and a number of valuable pieces of jewelry and ceramic objet d'art, an entire case of cherry bubble gum and two dozen back issues of Teen Magazine were removed from their apartment one Saturday night over a year ago. Missy Mason, the teenage daughter of the family, was devastated but has since recovered nicely. The Mason's son, 10 year old Master Mason Mason, reported seeing Batman climbing up the wall outside his 34th floor bedroom window around the time the crime was committed, but his story was dismissed as the result of an excess of caffeinated beverage consumption prior to retiring for the night.

Police speculate the burglar has either moved on to greener pastures or retired on his earnings.

BOWL FULL OF TEETH

By Logans_Babe

Late yesterday evening, the Seattle police department entered an apartment owned by the infamous DTM. For some time now DTM has been running a dentistry office in his own home. According to police, he has no degree to practice dentistry.

The police department acted when a "patient" of DTM came forward with a complaint. Obviously the suspect was doing more than filling in cavities. The patient had a mouth full of teeth when she got to the house of DTM, but when she awoke she had none. Upon searching the home, the police found the missing (for 3 years now) Stanley Cup. Inside the cup were hundreds of teeth. The suspect, DTM, was quoted on saying, "It is the only way the Blue Lady will protect me!!" Who this Blue Lady is and why this man would need protection is still under investigation.

The Cup was confiscated, and the police say that it must stay at the station as evidence until the case is solved. The teeth were given back to their (hopefully) rightful owners. There are still about thirty teeth left. The police are holding them until claimed. We will keep you updated on any further information.

INNER CITY INSTRUCTIONAL INSTITUTIONS IMPLICATED AS IMPERFECT

By Dammachine

The local school boards have recently received an injection of cash to improve the learning centers for local children. "What are these kids up to?" one concerned citizen inquired while at a meeting held at city council. "Why has so much money been spent on Chocolate Research and what do they hope to learn?" "Things weren't like this when we went to school!" According to sources, many of the schools held secret votes to determine how the gift of cash was to be utilized. As much as half of the money has gone to set up laboratories designed to serve chocolate at varying temperatures to students.

In a related story. The Principals of the inner city schools are apparently missing. They may have been seen heading to the airport with bags of leftover money and their pockets filled with chocolate.

*********************************

INTERNATIONAL NEWS

KID'S SHOW PUPPERTEER'S ON-AIR SUICIDE REVEALING IN MORE THAN ONE WAY

By Weirdarchive

A strange and shocking act in front of hundreds of children in a television studio and to millions on satellite reveals the whereabouts of a Hollywood legend and his tragic fall from grace. Kids everywhere were treated to a bizarre argument on the set of BONGO'S BEAT, the popular children's program broadcasted live in Vancouver. One of the more beloved characters was the puppeteer Jimney Jingles and his 'friend' Sock The Runt. Usually these two get along and get into trouble in outlandish and comedic ways, but the laughter stopped when Sock started to berate Jimney over 'falling off the wagon' and how he was 'not getting any from the girl in Accounting'. Jimney promptly countered with a few gripes of his own, most not suitable for broadcast in a family forum. The yelling soon reached fever pitch and before the director and the cast could pull the plug and Jimney off stage, Sock pulled out a .45 Magnum and shot Jimney point blank in between the eyes. He was dead before he hit the floor. All this chaos was broadcasted live in front of stunned children and crew. The Canadian Broadcast Authority immediately shut down production and cleared the studios of the traumatized witnesses. Police were summoned to determined what form of dementia befell Jimney and were shocked by the true identity of Jimney Jingles. He was none other than Robert Downey Junior, esteemed actor and troubled soul whose whereabouts were unknown for the last ten years. How did a man of such talent and pain find himself committing suicide on a children's show?

A search of his flat in a rundown part of Vancouver revealed startling evidence of a life going down in madness, madness caused by the once talked about cure for chemical dependency Numex, often referred to by its street name Num. At the start of 2004, biochemists employed by DiaTech discovered a mean to prevent impulses from reaching the portions of the brain dealing with addiction without damaging the nervous system. Numex was unique as it was a bioengineered treatment dealing with a specific addiction such as heroin, cocaine, and Ecstasy. Used in regular doses along with typical drug counseling, the makers touted, recovery from hard street drugs was nearly 100%. One of the first benefactors of this treatment was Robert Downey himself, who went as far as becoming the spokesperson for the company and receiving shares of stock for his services and lectures on his recovery. Numex seemed have to been an answered prayer, one that gave DiaTech huge windfall profits and their scientists the 2005 Nobel Prize for Medicine and Chemistry.

Then in the closing days of 2008, disaster struck as a rash of suicides, mass murder, unexplained strokes, and complete nervous breakdowns were attributed to Numex. Doctors in the Paris Center For Neurochemistry Studies discovered that repeated use of Numex only starved the cells into making new connections to other brain cells to 'get their fix', as one intern called it. These new neural connections intercepted and interrupted normal brain signals, causing eventual breakdowns of the neural net. Some of the after effects noted in the study were epileptic shock, violent behavior, relapse into previous addictions which was then coupled to a need for more Numex to stop those cravings, split personality, and delusions of a frantic nature. The real danger of Numex was that these traits could not be predicted. An addict could go insane within six months of Numex treatment or six years. While the scientists in DiaTech feigned knowledge of the side effects, a number of lawsuits and criminal inquiries from fifteen countries and thirty-five state courts forced a suspension in Numex's manufacture and distribution. The company was in the beginning stages of product withdrawal when the chaos of the Pulse occurred. Overnight, huge stockpiles of Numex were stolen by crazed addicts wanting their Num and facilities which produced the drug were taken over by gang lords eager to exploit the market. In only ten years, the percentage of addicts hooked on Num has risen 150%

Vancouver Police theorized that Robert Downey Junior must have fled the chaos of the Dark Months and found safety in Canada where he obtained his supply of Num from the various drug lords. Further searches of his flat uncovered an untold amount of journals and school notebooks with much of Downey's madness written in various handwriting styles and at various stages of mental development. One book was written in highly advanced technical jargon while another was literally drawn in red crayon by a five year old. Also among his belongings were his sketches for his puppet acts, right down to the cue cards for the puppets themselves. Police can't say how and when Downey managed to become employed on BONGO'S BEAT, pending further investigation and locating of the next of kin. What they can say is Downey's madness might have occurred six to thirteen months prior to his on air suicide and that a woman was involved. Several drawn portraits of this woman were littered throughout the flat, but as of yet no positive identification has been found.

The producers of BONGO'S BEAT have suspended production of the show until a final decision is made and after possible legal and civil suits have been settled. For now, the show is in reruns sans any episodes that had Jimney playing out his fantasies with Sock. No further word on whether the skits will eventually be aired or destroyed.

*********************************

MEDICINE

HOW SAFE ARE SEATTLE'S HOSPITALS?

A Special Report by Preciousjax

An elderly woman of fifty-one fell and compacted her twelfth vertebrae in her apartment several months ago. Due to the excruciating pain that she was in, the woman, whose family asked that she not be identified, was going to be spending at least a week in the hospital. She was lying in her bed the night after her injury, in the spinal cord injury unit of Metro Medical Hospital, when an explosion rocked the third floor. She was knocked from her bed and struck her head on the wall with enough force to kill her instantly.

Assassination attempts in or around hospitals have risen in an alarming rate in the past five years. It is estimated that at least one thousand people will be murdered while receiving medical care and at least six hundred more will die because they were in the wrong room at the wrong time. This is one crime that is sadly becoming an everyday occurrence, and one that rarely even makes top story news anymore.

This particular assassination attempt was a sniper's bullet missing its intended target, the police assume, and hitting an oxygen tank near by. Luckily for the room's inhabitant, an unknown person had moved him down the hall and into safety before the attack had taken place. Mr. Logan Cale, who barely escaped with his life after being shot in the back earlier in the day, is once again lucky to be alive.

Unfortunately, not everyone has the guardian angel that Mr. Cale did and thousands of people are dying due to the lack of safety in today's medical facilities. Before the Pulse, medical facilities were one of the safest places someone could go. Now that security officers are needed in other supposedly more dangerous places, people have been known to wonder into the hospitals in the middle of the night to visit patients.

Such is the case of Mr. Cale's guardian angel. No one on staff knows who moved him, but one nurse saw a woman dressed in black pushing his gurney down the hall mere seconds before the attack was made. This leads me to ask; maybe instead of calling her a guardian angel, maybe we should be referring to her as his dark angel?

While following up with Mr. Cale's story, I received information from an inside source that stated Mr. Cale had another run in with this 'dark angel'. After a surgery on his spinal cord, this mysterious woman donated the life-giving blood that he was desperately in need of, and would have died without. The oddity of this situation was the woman performed to procedure herself, without permission or help from doctors. This just goes to show that anyone can walk into a hospital and do whatever they want to a patient with the workers of the hospital either not knowing or not caring of the outcome.

Now that hospital violence and mishaps are on the up rise, maybe it is time that we placed a call to bring the ineffective security off the streets and into the places we need them most.

BALKAN WAR SYNDROME: IS THE CURE WORSE THAN THE DISEASE?

By Daf9

A surprising development in the treatment of Balkan War Syndrome was announced this week at the University of Washington Seattle. Cortodiazapine, the standard accepted treatment for this disease has been shown to lead to an unacceptably high increase in liver disease.

A meta analysis of liver failure incidence rates in Seattle and around the country over the past ten years showed a significant drop in newly diagnosed cases for this year that was traced back to last year's disruption in Cortodiazapine supplies. Further laboratory studies have confirmed an association between Cortodiazapine usage and loss of liver function.

Scientists around the country and abroad are frantically searching for an alternative treatment. Currently St. Johns wart holds the most promise.

*********************************

EDITORIAL

IT'S A DEPRESSION, SO WHO'S REALLY DEPRESSED?

By Samcrazy

Hey, we all know the saying, life goes on. But in these dark times you can't help but look out and see all the people of a one fruitful and, dare I say it, happy city struggling to keep on their feet. There are a few exceptions, for course, the few lucky people who immediately after the Pulse found financial security in some area. Well, you can't help but be jealous. We here at the 'Streets' interviewed a few of these people, and by far the most popular among our reporters was Mr. Logan Cale, heir to the Cale trust.

Reporter: "So Mr. Cale, how does it feel to live up here, and be able to look down on the less fortunate?

Cale: "I find it very, very depressing to think that others are not as lucky as me. I was fortunate enough to have a sum of money to fall back on, and some of that I use to help out the people of Seattle."

Reporter: "Can you elaborate?"

Cale: "Recently I donated a cheque to the children's hospital, so that they could buy the equipment they needed to get it up and running again."

Reporter: "It's good to know that some people in this community still care."

Cale: "Thanks."

Reporter: "What extra activities do you enjoy, thanks to your money?"

Cale: "As I believe in helping others that aren't as lucky, I have set up a wheelchair basketball team and an area especially for this not just for me, but for the other disabled in Seattle. I also have been able to buy local art painted by the talented in Seattle, again helping out those not as lucky as me."

Reporter: "Thank you Mr. Cale for your time."

We have seen this side of life, and as we want the story from both sides, we looked at the people of Seattle who sleep on the streets, and earn little money each day. We interviewed a Mr. Phil, a man who lives in a run-down shack on the outskirts.

Reporter: "I will be blunt, Mr. Phil. How is life here, on the streets?"

Phil: "Umm, well, it's, awful, I guess..."

Reporter: "Just awful?"

Phil: "It, is...yeah, awful. People who have more money look down on you like you are trash or something."

Reporter: "I see...well, thank you, Mr. Phil."

Sure life is hard. But at times like this we need to remember, that as long as we have family and friends, life will go on.

I have to make a confession

I don't like the post-pulse depression

There's peppermint oil

But no potatoes to boil

These limericks are becoming an obsession.

DAF9

OP-ED

By Weirdarchive

We had recently read some erroneous information about the death of the Exalted Reverend Samantha Adjia of the Nation of Islam Reformed, formerly the American Pop Culture slave Britney Spears, from Ninja650, a reporter for your paper. We send you this letter to inform you and those oppressed by the militaristic police state of America that the Exalted Reverend is alive and well and presently preaching the word of Allah and Malcolm X in the enlightened sovereign state known as the Republic of Alaska, whose duly and legally elected president 'Governor' William Hodges continues the fight against the abusive and oppressive Zionist controlled puppet nation of America and for the freedom of all indigenous peoples in the Western Hemisphere and whose grateful hospitality for the unjustly pursued Exalted Reverend is most appreciated. The Exalted Reverend feels that the murder of the false 'Britney Spears', while tragic, is another example of the racist government's attempts at enslaving the people to materialistic and obscene images and culture, as well as making a false martyrdom of a life that was false and obscene to start with.

The Exalted Reverend had renounced that past life when she was freed by the Word of Allah and the speeches of the prophet Malcolm X. She gave up that name and that life of 'Britney Spears' because it reminded her of her sexual servitude and of her role in shackling the minds and hearts of the youth of America with false sexual freedom and decadent godless living. Soon after her lowest point in life with her 'interview' and demeaning pictures in the August 2007 issue of PLAYBOY (where she insists she was beguiled like so many of her position like Dana Plato, Kristy Swanson, Belinda Carlisle, Sarah Michelle Gellar, and Alyson Hannigan into posing nude and semi-nude for such smut magazines like PLAYBOY, MAXIM, and PERFECT 10.), she found the True Word and was saved to preach the Gospel of Islam, Reformed where women are truly liberated from the sexual bondage of the media and the so-called Christian Church and allowed to be true to themselves and God. The person who deluded himself or herself into killing this false 'Britney' is a sad and lonely person who was foolish to take the life of an equally foolish woman who based her life on distorted images and unrealistic dreams. The Exalted Reverend offers her consoling services on a personal and non-judgmental basis to this lost soul who did this act in exchange for his/her submission to any employment official of the Republic of Alaska within the Seattle city limits. She offers complete and total absolution from all criminal prosecution since 'Britney Spears' and the life she led before her salvation was dead long ago. You can not kill what has already passed on.

We urge the readers of this paper to recognize the truth, both of the living prophet and freedom fighter the Exalted Reverend Samantha Adjia formerly 'Britney Spears' and of the word of Allah which will blaze a path of freedom and equality against those who seek to profit from the sexual slavery and tyranny of the mind, body, and soul. Find the True Word and the teachings of the Exalted Reverend any way you can. Fight the racist overlords of America and choose living!

Praise Allah, the Prophet, and the Exalted Reverend,

Nathan Onyx, secretary to the Office of the Exalted Reverend and ambassador of the Free State of Franklin (formerly the enslaved states of the Midwest) to the Republic of Alaska, Nation of Islam, Reformed.

*********************************

LETTERS TO THE EDITOR

Dear Editor,

My comrades and I down at the lodge were horrified to read Mr. ANGUSHARDIE's recent article describing the sale of the Statue of Liberty to the sultan of Brunei. As veterans of the Gulf War, we feel our country owes us more than the slap in the face that we see selling this great national monument to another one of those d*mn Islamic nations to be. In protest we have "liberated" every copy of Koran to be found in Seattle's public libraries and will be staging a giant bonfire on July 6 (Mohammad's birthday). Fellow minded Americans are welcome to join us.

Disgruntled Veterans

Der ediTer

Dat guy what got charged with the shot in the head thing? He dinnit do it. Sure he threw da guy out du window but if he died from a shot in the head he musta been alive when he landed...And so dat guy what got charged he's a victum of mistaken idnetity.

Dear Editor

attn: Julie (of the Wheelchair Basketball story)

I was writing to inquire about the Wheelchair Basketball league mentioned in last week's paper. My sister who is in a wheelchair as the result of an auto accident wants to know if women are welcome to play as well, or if not; is there a women's league? And what about a children's league?

Dear Writer,

Thank you for your interest in the Wheelchair Basketball league. There were no women that were playing in the game I saw; however, if there are enough women interested then a league can be started. In the meantime tell your sister to go down to the high school courts and talk to the guys that play. I don't see a reason why the league couldn't become coed. The guys were all really nice and they are willing to welcome anyone that would be interested in playing.

Julie

Dear Editor,

This is for that &*&^ reporter of yours Ms. Shnapzie. I came home after a hard days work at the public library only to discover that my cardboard condo had been COMPLETELY DISMANTLED by my neighbors who, on the advice of Ms. Shnapzie's column were burning it in their trash can!!! How would you like it if I came to your apartment and removed all the bricks to turn them into brick heating pads or modern sculpture? My neighbors, they're nice people, but not the sharpest crayons in the box if you get my drift? Please, please don't give them any more BRIGHT ideas!

Homeless in Seattle

Dear Editors,

I just finished reading your article about the Raphael Banks dress that was stolen, and the mysterious person who paid for it. Maybe I should point out that I am writing this letter from Marberry State Penitentiary where I am on year two of my seven-year sentence for grand larceny of a similar Raphael Banks dress. My question is, does this man have certain criteria on who he saves from law suits, because where was he when I was getting drug out of my job as a bike messenger three years ago? His deep pockets could have come in handy to me then. But if this mystery man is sitting in some tricked out penthouse, feeling bad for not helping me out, he could always pay off my no good cheap SOB lawyer. Or he could buy me back that dress that I stole, I am serving ten years and they didn't even let me keep the dress!

Sincerely,

PDP (Poorly Dressed in Prison)

Dear Editors,

Two weeks ago, there was a book review on the biography of the current Democratic presidential nominee, one Karen E. Murray. I'd just like to clear the record now, I am Jacquelyn D. Arnold, and just because I am in jail doesn't mean that my word is any less credible. Karen E. Murray is a bi***. Straight up bad person. She lied, cheated, and slept her way to the top office. She can't be trusted. She likes...[gasp shudder] HARRY POTTER BOOKS! I know all this because I spent several years associating (unwillingly) with her on a old message board dedicated to the long running FOX television sci-fi drama (that can still be seen with new episodes in its 19th season). She did nothing but harass me and the other fan fiction writers. If not for her, I would not have had my little incident at the post office with that .44 and I would not be serving my twenty to life sentence that I am now. She *is* the weakest link, and now that this country is finally crawling out of the post-depression hell that we have found ourselves in, do we really want to trust the country to a girl who used to ride around on a scooter while she checked out her neighbor? That is what I thought. So if worse comes to worse, vote republican if you have to, just keep Karen E. Murray out of office. The day she gets voted in, well, that is the day that I jab out my eyes with the wrong end of a sharp stick.

Sincerely,

Jacquelyn D. Arnold, Author of the Never Best Selling Never Critically Acclaimed Book 'How to Take Over the World And Get Away With It.' Available Nowhere

Note to our readers: Ms. Arnold implies in her letter that she is in prison. Our sources reveal she is actually serving time in the home for the "two bricks short of a load" crowd.

Dear Editor

A paper called "Streets of Seattle"

Thinks citizens shouldn't be cattle

And so once a week

The editors speak

Too bad that it's all just prattle.

"loyal" reader and aspiring limerick writer

*********************************

LIFESTYLES

SEATTLE'S DIRTY LAUNDRY

By Angushardie

Every week this reporter is faced with a problem: I have a pile of dirty laundry yet because of the high price of launderettes I cannot afford to actually wash any of it. So what do I do? What I do is I go to the apartment of a good (and rich!) friend and use their washing machine. However, I assume that not everyone does this. Mainly because the apartment never seems as crowded as it would have to be if all of the inhabitants of the Seattle area were using that one washing machine. So in the interests of research, this intrepid reporter decided to go out into Seattle and investigate how Seattle deals with its dirty laundry.

I felt that the first place to start was the launderette. I visited the SunWash launderette on the corner of Pacific Avenue and Constitution Drive. First a quick check of the prices and then inside. At $7 for a wash and $5 for a dryer this is not a cheap option. The prices are so high that most probably couldn't afford to avail themselves of the services of this select establishment with any regularity. However it did seem quite busy so I got talking to Gina Dupris, a food service worker in her 30s who was washing her clothing there.

"Yes I come here occasionally but its a bit of treat for me, the prices are a bit high for every month", and her opinion of the service offered: "Not too bad, the owner seems a little less creepy than most which is why I come to this one rather than that one owned by the private detective."

Finally I asked here what she did the rest of the time: did she try to use some else's washing machine, wash by hand, or simply not wash her clothing at all.

"Well mostly I just wash by hand, as an abattoir worker the management don't care terribly so I only make an effort when my clothing really needs it or when I'm going out. Which isn't much since I don't get paid loads."

Moving swiftly away from Ms. Dupris' blood splattered clothing I noticed a smart gentleman in the corner eyeing the whole room in a covert manner. Moving inconspicuously up to him I got into a hushed conversation and managed to ask a few questions. Although first I received a warning: "Be quiet will you, I don't want to get noticed."

Upon further enquiry I learnt that the man who shall remain nameless was intending to add his small amount of washing to somebody else's load and get them to pay. Like the Cuckoo bird laying its eggs in another birds nest, this man apparently puts his laundry in the machines of others. He then tries to recover the items after the washing cycle is complete. His success rate? "Well, I gets my wash done, I guess. Sometimes things get a bit edgy, y'know, but I gets my wash done."

I questioned him further on his approach, what happens if the unwilling target realizes that not all of the washing is their own? "I do lose some, but its a cost of doing business y'know. But I have this face that I gives to the mark, its like, "(adopts upper class British accent)" My dear chap, I'm so sorry I must have left those trifling items in your machine, so sorry." (he returned to his normal accent)" Which generally works Ok. Somebody tried to beat me once and I've been thrown out of a couple of laundries but not too bad."

At this point my dishonest companion noticed a suitable target, a female senior citizen, and promptly moved to 'provide assistance' to her.

After some debate with friends and some research I have come to the conclusion that the best thing is to find a rich person with a washing machine and marry them. I will be moving in with Jenny (My rich friend) tomorrow. However for those without this possibility the choice is split evenly between hand washing, dishonestly washing in the cuckoo style and not washing at all.

Personally I think that this is an urgent problem and if the citizens of Seattle are not to be known far and wide as the most odorous in all of America then something will have to be done. However I don't care, I have a washing machine.

And no, you can't use it.

The cuckoo is a cunning bird

Others raise his chicks I've heard

With laundry seven bucks a load

It's made me try a cuckoo mode

That load over there's my third.

DAF9

THE HOUSING ALTERNATIVE

By Shnapzie

Squatting. An altogether practical decision to make. The benefits of squatting far outweigh the arguments against. For one thing, you're no longer bothered by the inconvenience of property tax. You can move in and out with ease, and don't have to worry about selling your pad. And the rent's cheaper--approximately nil.

Seattle residents seem to recognize this: according to the current census report, more than one out of three people don't legally live in their place of residence.

'Course, squatting does have its downside. All that money one saves by sidestepping taxes goes toward the weekly sector police payoff. At least once they're paid, you can dubiously trust them not to report you. It wouldn't be in their financial interest to turn you in.

Whether it's a good idea or not, this opinionated reporter enjoys her rent free studio she doesn't own, rent, or pay taxes for. And it's a darn good thing I'm content, cause on my salary I can't afford anything costlier.

This advice is for all you squatters

Who dislike mingling with yachters

Keep your shanties inland

With a burning trash can on hand

And just stay away from the waters

DAF9

*********************************

POETRY AWARD WINNER

The editorial staff of Streets of Seattle unanimously declared the following submission as the Grand Prize Winner in our DAF9 Poetry Contest. It was in fact submitted as a personal ad, so if you are interested in dating the writer please reply to SOS Box 287. Although we personally find the writer somewhat frightening as a relationship prospect, his/her talent is unquestionable. Plus, he/she won a gift certificate to Mohammed's House of Spaghetti and a year's supply of Kool-Aid, so maybe it's not such a bad idea after all.

CLASSIFIED AD

By Ewachsmuth

In the labyrinth

Of sweet death-compelling dreams

It's your eyes I seek

In the labyrinth

Echoing sobs of the lost

My grief cries to you

In the labyrinth

I hunger without reprieve.

Feed me--Hear my voice

In the labyrinth

I seek you, my dark angel.

Without you, I'm lost.

*********************************

FEATURES

ODDITIES

By Logans_Babe

Recently some of our reporters got word that the soup kitchens were being bombarded with people. We investigated, knowing the sector police were not letting many people in who were prepared to stay.

It just so happened that the people who were raking the soup kitchens clean were not newcomers at all, but citizens of Seattle! They get the food from the kitchens and then take them to all day cookouts where everyone brings their own dish! So, we went under cover to one of these so-called cookouts and to our surprise we found that this was a very popular thing to do. That way no money is spent and there is a variety of different foods to enjoy.

Even though the soup kitchens are not too happy about being picked clean, everyone agrees that this way many people can come together to enjoy a meal and have a little fun in day to day life. For more information about the cook outs contact the Streets of Seattle.

HOW TO SURVIVE THE POST-PULSE DEPRESSION TIP OF THE DAY

By Shnapzie and Daf9

Shnapzie: No sane person would pay the 55 cents it costs to make a call on a pay phone. So here's a secret: If you give it a good whack on it's side just above the change return slot, someone's change likely will be returned to you! The unfortunate thing is, after everyone reads this article, no one will bother paying anymore, and change will cease to just pour out.

In order to prevent this, this newspaper and this reporter claim absolutely NO liability regarding pay phone fraud. We won't be held responsible, so don't even try!

Daf9: As an alternative plan, go to one of the apartments in the fancy part of town [NOT Fogle Towers, that's my gig]. Bribe the doorman to give you access to the laundry room where you carefully remove one or two pairs of men's pants from each washing machine and pick approximately 1/2" worth of stitches out of the front pockets. Replace the pants in the machine and then just hang around outside the building for a week or so collecting change.

Shnapzie: Of course if you have to make an EMERGENCY call this method is not very useful. Otherwise, excellent plan! In return for so kindly sharing your tip, I'll leave Fogle Towers alone.

Hee hee! A bunch of rich guys walking around, money dropping out their pants with every step--and they're so caught up in themselves that I bet they don't even notice!

Daf9: Actually I'm planning on relocating. Business has dropped off sharply in recent months. Ever since something happened to this one dude and his companion/bodyguard(?). Dude's now in a wheelchair and carries his change in a bag and his new companion/bodyguard keeps his in his socks. I've tried everything, including sending the companion a pair of sandals but to no avail. Anyway I'm planning on transferring my operation down to the YumYum motel. Turns out its one of the "in" places for guys with the flash to step out on their wives. And apparently many of them use the motel laundromat to hide the evidence. Lady who had the franchise is retiring to Mexico.

*********************************

ENTERTAINMENT

FILM FESTIVAL GETS TWO THUMBS UP

By Jox5

Last Friday, the Yum Yum Tree Motel held a film festival in a effort to pull them back from closing down. They featured pre-pulse classics like Titanic, The Matrix, Castaway, and Mission Impossible 8.

A crowd of about two hundred showed up to escape the reality of the world we live in. That didn't work to well with the parking lot that shouldn't have been able to seat more than one hundred fifty.

However, despite the lack of oxygen and the smelly cheap motel, it was a first rate festival.

I give in two thumbs up.

MOVIES

By Weirdarchive

On Cineplex 2, Canada.:

TEST PATTERNS, 2005, voices of Katie Holmes, Tobey Maguire, Josh Hartnett, and Alec Baldwin. Written, Produced, and Directed by Trent Reznor. Animated. Unrated. Arguably one of the most hotly debated cult films in recent memory, Trent Reznor's one and only attempt at film making has been called many things. From 'Brilliant and morbid' (ROLLING STONE) to 'Confusing, bizarre, and hard to follow' (THE GUARDIAN) to 'The biggest piece of sh*t I've ever seen, and I wouldn't watch it again with a gun to my b*lls' (the defunct ScoopMe.com), Reznor's ode to FAUST, Harlan Ellison's rock and roll novel SPIDER KISS (which Mr. Ellison had to sue to get a title credit and a piece of the box office gross), and Brian De Palma's THE PHANTOM OF THE PARADISE (who unsuccessfully tried to stop distribution and sued to copyright infringement which was eventually settled out of court) is a mind numbing trek into Heaven, Hell, and Cleveland. Katie Holmes plays Star Brite, a bisexual rock maiden (to which some critics have argued is Reznor's passing swipe on the then teen pop star Britney Spears), who makes a deal with Satan (Maguire) for eventual rock godhood. The only thing standing in her way is an innocent rockabilly revivalist (Hartnett) and his manager/father/New Age Christian priest guru (Baldwin). Rumor had it that Marilyn Manson was to be the lead, but due to his many arguments with Reznor, he was dropped from the project. Surprisingly, Ms. Spears did provide vocals, as well as Janet Jackson, REM, and Sonic Youth. This film is strictly for music buffs and those who need a few hours to kill. An acquired taste at best. Contains very strong sexual content, Satanic references, gore, and drug use. Parents Strongly Cautioned!

*********************************

ADVERTISEMENT

FOR SALE: How to pass as a Canadian

A comprehensive course that includes a genuine Canadian passport. Will be retrofitted with your photo so as to pass all inspections. We have all read recently about the dangers of trying to be smuggled into Canada. Why risk it? We will provide you with a genuine Canadian passport and some genuine Canadian dialect and knowledge to go with it. In our three week course you will learn the meaning and correct pronunciation of the word "eh", how to say "out and about", where to insert the letter u in words like color, the names of all the Blue Jays and all the excuses why the team hasn't won a World series in 30 years, the names of all the Canadian prime ministers from MacDonald onward, the most recent Senate scandals and so much more. Prime Ministers versus Presidents: how to tell the difference. How to speak English like a Francophone and French like an Anglophone, where is Toronto and why is it not the capital of Canada? Famous Canadian rock groups from the 1970s like the Guess Who, why Eskimos became Inuit. How to apologize if someone steps on your foot in an elevator. It's the American Revolution NOT The War of Independence. The list of topics we cover is endless. Sign up now and you'll be in Winnipeg in time for the first snowfall or by Canada Day (July 1), whichever comes first!

*********************************

ADVICE

Dear He Said/She Said,

Having been married three times, I have children living in three different sectors. Yet my sector passes are limited. How can I make my children feel equally loved?

Sincerely,

Policed Parent

Dear Policed: I feel for you in a strange sort of way, it's never easy living in a police state, if your children are all over the age of ten, I suggest keeping in touch by mail and getting together only at times when your sector passes allow. Also be sure to explain that you only have so much money that you can't exactly be present all the time, as a working mother myself I find it difficult to visit my own family as I spend most of my time in sector 6. I hope this has helped you.

He Said/She Said

Dear He Said/She Said:

There is nothing to drink in the house but vodka and milk and I'm lactose intolerant. Whatever shall I do?

Thirsty in Seattle.

Dear Thirsty in Seattle:

Based on an instant messenger, I am not going to mention any names, (KAREN!!!), but I think I know who you are (KAREN!!!). If you choose to remain anonymous (KAREN!!!) this is fine, so I will leave your name out (KAREN!!!). All I can say is, make sure you take some aspirin before you pass out, it will help with the hangover in the morning. Also, please do not operate any heavy machinery, like tanks or aircraft carriers, and please, stay out of my state. Or, you could walk to the story and by some orange juice and make screwdrivers, but then you wouldn't just have vodka and milk would you? My advice? Sell the milk on Antique Roadshow, its a rare commodity these days and I'm sure you'll catch a fare price, the go buy yourself some Kool Aid.

He Said/She Said

Dear Martha Stewart

My two co-husbands and I are planning a dinner party for the upcoming 4th of July. We will be serving rat and are facing the perennial question. Red, white or dandelion wine? We have agreed to abide by your decision.

Anxious hostess

Dear Anxious Hostess,

I am sorry to inform you Martha is dead. Do you have any post-pulse wine cause that would be the best. If you don't then white wine.

He Said/She Said

*********************************

CLASSIFIEDS

Dumpster diver looking for companion. After an unfortunate experience with a faulty lid I no longer wish to dumpster dive alone. Contact Box 345. Serious replies ONLY. DapHt9

Professional toilet paper use teacher seeking companionship. Free lesson with date(valued at $24.99). Demonstration included. Note: BYOTP, plumbing expenses not included upon toilet clogging. Persons suffering from diarrhea need not apply. Void where prohibited.

Pink-haired female seeks devoted companion. Should be skilled in cutting and pasting, de-fogging monitors, and cleaning crumbs from keyboards. Love and adoration required but no physical contact permitted. Contact "Editor," Streets of Seattle.

A statue of the Egyptian goddess Bast to replace one lost from my apartment. No questions asked but will pay extra if you can put me in contact with the original seller. Contact Logan Cale, Fogle Towers, Seattle.

SWF X-6 looking for a delightful male that enjoys dark basements and playing war games. specifically "Release and Catch". He must have nice teeth Call for X6-269 in basement block X6.

A man with a fine set of choppers

Wants a woman who is an eye-popper

Has posted this ad

To see what's to be had

Please don't make me come up a cropper

DAF9

Wanted: I need a 6 speed auto. transmission in good condition for a 2009 Ford 5.7 liter twin turbo Mustang. I have no money, but can trade, I have some Medical supplies, salt, suger, pepper, real bath soap[no lye]and some nice baby teeth to trade. Contact me from 7pm to 9pm in front of Jenn's Liquor & Bike store

Dear Door Mat Don

I'm from Azerbaijan

I once had a vision

Of such a transmission

But when I awoke it was gone.

DAF9

Dear Door Mat Don

I'm DAF from Ceylon

I too had a vision

of such a transmission

I sold my transmission to John.

DAF9

Dear DCRACING

I see what you're facing

A vintage transmission

In decent condition

It may be a dream that you're chasing

DAF9

Dear Door Mat Don

Now the pranksters have gone

If you want your transmission

Just make a decision

It's sitting out there on my lawn.

DAF9