STREETS OF SEATTLE
(date withheld), 2019
http://pages.prodigy.net/jennem
To our readers: The stories appearing in today's STREETS OF
SEATTLE have been cleared by the U.S. Army under the provisions of the Martial
Law Declaration of 2009 and the National Emergency Declaration of 2010.
Editor in Chief: Jennem1
Managing Editor:
Samcrazy
Politics Editor:
Preciousjax
Chief Financial Officer:
Logans_Babe
Entertainment Editor:
Jox5
Opinion Editor: Shnapzie
Senior Reporter: Daf9
Featured Reporter:
Weirdarchive
Contributing Reporter:
Angushardie
Contributing Reporter:
Ewachsmuth
Contributing Reporter:
Darkangelbby
Contributing Reporter:
Dammachine
Contributing Reporter:
Sportzgirl16
Contributing Reporter:
Iluveyesonly
Contributing Reporter:
Willow771
Contributing Reporter:
DCRacing
Contributing Reporter:
727Angel
Contributing Reporter:
The Rock
http://pages.prodigy.net/jennem
*********************************
EDITOR'S NOTE
Welcome to the Fifth
Edition of the Streets of Seattle. This
week, we are presenting our first-ever Poetry edition, in honor of a new book
by Streets of Seattle reporter DAF9.
To be entirely honest,
there was a recent unfortunate office incident involving some tires, baby oil,
a crane, and Daf9. Our attorneys have
advised us that she will not pursue legal action if we let her do whatever the
heck she wants to this edition. And
what she wants, apparently, is to stick limericks everywhere and advertise her
upcoming book and event.
Best known for her
incredibly unpopular "Idiots Guide to the Human Genome", DAF9 has
come out with yet another tome. This one is titled with typical DAF9 humility
"Greatest Limericks of the Third Millennium". What can we say? The
artwork is nice and the paper is shiny. In other words we wouldn't even be
reviewing the book if DAF9 was not threatening to go on strike. Wait a week or
so and if you really want to read it you will probably find it in the dumpster
behind your local public library.
Live this week only! By
the dumpster out back of Fogle Towers in the high-rise district. DAF9 recites
limericks from her hot new book "Greatest Limericks of the Third
Millennium".
In addition, Daf9
insisted we hold a Poetry Contest. Since she did not allow us to publicize it, all 483 entries were written
by Daf9. However, we got a really cool
personal ad that was mis-delivered to Editorial, and due to a quirk in the
rules were able to declare it the winner. You will find it later in this edition.
Thank you for your time
and we now return you to some news of actual importance.
Jennem1
http://pages.prodigy.net/jennem
*********************************
LOCAL NEWS
MISSING CAT BURGLAR BAFFLES POLICE
By Daf9
For several years the
high rise district experienced a rash of burglaries that ended abruptly almost a
year ago. Today the police officially closed the case without every solving it.
Many of the apartments
reporting thefts had expensive security systems that were thwarted with
ridiculous ease, suggesting that a professional felon was responsible. However,
some of the items stolen were unusual to say the least. For example, Mr. and
Mrs. Jason Mason reported that in addition to cash, stocks and a number of
valuable pieces of jewelry and ceramic objet d'art, an entire case of cherry
bubble gum and two dozen back issues of Teen Magazine were removed from their
apartment one Saturday night over a year ago. Missy Mason, the teenage daughter
of the family, was devastated but has since recovered nicely. The Mason's son,
10 year old Master Mason Mason, reported seeing Batman climbing up the wall
outside his 34th floor bedroom window around the time the crime was committed,
but his story was dismissed as the result of an excess of caffeinated beverage
consumption prior to retiring for the night.
Police speculate the
burglar has either moved on to greener pastures or retired on his earnings.
BOWL FULL OF TEETH
By Logans_Babe
Late yesterday evening,
the Seattle police department entered an apartment owned by the infamous DTM.
For some time now DTM has been running a dentistry office in his own home.
According to police, he has no degree to practice dentistry.
The police department
acted when a "patient" of DTM came forward with a complaint.
Obviously the suspect was doing more than filling in cavities. The patient had a
mouth full of teeth when she got to the house of DTM, but when she awoke she
had none. Upon searching the home, the police found the missing (for 3 years
now) Stanley Cup. Inside the cup were hundreds of teeth. The suspect, DTM, was
quoted on saying, "It is the only way the Blue Lady will protect
me!!" Who this Blue Lady is and why this man would need protection is
still under investigation.
The Cup was confiscated,
and the police say that it must stay at the station as evidence until the case
is solved. The teeth were given back to their (hopefully) rightful owners.
There are still about thirty teeth left. The police are holding them until
claimed. We will keep you updated on any further information.
INNER CITY INSTRUCTIONAL INSTITUTIONS IMPLICATED AS IMPERFECT
By Dammachine
The local school boards
have recently received an injection of cash to improve the learning centers for
local children. "What are these kids up to?" one concerned citizen
inquired while at a meeting held at city council. "Why has so much money
been spent on Chocolate Research and what do they hope to learn?"
"Things weren't like this when we went to school!" According to
sources, many of the schools held secret votes to determine how the gift of
cash was to be utilized. As much as half of the money has gone to set up
laboratories designed to serve chocolate at varying temperatures to students.
In a related story. The
Principals of the inner city schools are apparently missing. They may have been
seen heading to the airport with bags of leftover money and their pockets
filled with chocolate.
*********************************
INTERNATIONAL NEWS
KID'S SHOW PUPPERTEER'S ON-AIR SUICIDE REVEALING IN MORE THAN ONE
WAY
By Weirdarchive
A strange and shocking
act in front of hundreds of children in a television studio and to millions on
satellite reveals the whereabouts of a Hollywood legend and his tragic fall
from grace. Kids everywhere were treated to a bizarre argument on the set of
BONGO'S BEAT, the popular children's program broadcasted live in Vancouver. One
of the more beloved characters was the puppeteer Jimney Jingles and his
'friend' Sock The Runt. Usually these two get along and get into trouble in
outlandish and comedic ways, but the laughter stopped when Sock started to
berate Jimney over 'falling off the wagon' and how he was 'not getting any from
the girl in Accounting'. Jimney promptly countered with a few gripes of his
own, most not suitable for broadcast in a family forum. The yelling soon
reached fever pitch and before the director and the cast could pull the plug
and Jimney off stage, Sock pulled out a .45 Magnum and shot Jimney point blank
in between the eyes. He was dead before he hit the floor. All this chaos was
broadcasted live in front of stunned children and crew. The Canadian Broadcast
Authority immediately shut down production and cleared the studios of the
traumatized witnesses. Police were summoned to determined what form of dementia
befell Jimney and were shocked by the true identity of Jimney Jingles. He was
none other than Robert Downey Junior, esteemed actor and troubled soul whose
whereabouts were unknown for the last ten years. How did a man of such talent
and pain find himself committing suicide on a children's show?
A search of his flat in
a rundown part of Vancouver revealed startling evidence of a life going down in
madness, madness caused by the once talked about cure for chemical dependency
Numex, often referred to by its street name Num. At the start of 2004,
biochemists employed by DiaTech discovered a mean to prevent impulses from
reaching the portions of the brain dealing with addiction without damaging the
nervous system. Numex was unique as it was a bioengineered treatment dealing
with a specific addiction such as heroin, cocaine, and Ecstasy. Used in regular
doses along with typical drug counseling, the makers touted, recovery from hard
street drugs was nearly 100%. One of the first benefactors of this treatment
was Robert Downey himself, who went as far as becoming the spokesperson for the
company and receiving shares of stock for his services and lectures on his
recovery. Numex seemed have to been an answered prayer, one that gave DiaTech
huge windfall profits and their scientists the 2005 Nobel Prize for Medicine
and Chemistry.
Then in the closing days
of 2008, disaster struck as a rash of suicides, mass murder, unexplained
strokes, and complete nervous breakdowns were attributed to Numex. Doctors in
the Paris Center For Neurochemistry Studies discovered that repeated use of
Numex only starved the cells into making new connections to other brain cells
to 'get their fix', as one intern called it. These new neural connections
intercepted and interrupted normal brain signals, causing eventual breakdowns
of the neural net. Some of the after effects noted in the study were epileptic
shock, violent behavior, relapse into previous addictions which was then
coupled to a need for more Numex to stop those cravings, split personality, and
delusions of a frantic nature. The real danger of Numex was that these traits could
not be predicted. An addict could go insane within six months of Numex
treatment or six years. While the scientists in DiaTech feigned knowledge of
the side effects, a number of lawsuits and criminal inquiries from fifteen
countries and thirty-five state courts forced a suspension in Numex's
manufacture and distribution. The company was in the beginning stages of
product withdrawal when the chaos of the Pulse occurred. Overnight, huge
stockpiles of Numex were stolen by crazed addicts wanting their Num and
facilities which produced the drug were taken over by gang lords eager to
exploit the market. In only ten years, the percentage of addicts hooked on Num
has risen 150%
Vancouver Police
theorized that Robert Downey Junior must have fled the chaos of the Dark Months
and found safety in Canada where he obtained his supply of Num from the various
drug lords. Further searches of his flat uncovered an untold amount of journals
and school notebooks with much of Downey's madness written in various
handwriting styles and at various stages of mental development. One book was
written in highly advanced technical jargon while another was literally drawn
in red crayon by a five year old. Also among his belongings were his sketches
for his puppet acts, right down to the cue cards for the puppets themselves.
Police can't say how and when Downey managed to become employed on BONGO'S
BEAT, pending further investigation and locating of the next of kin. What they
can say is Downey's madness might have occurred six to thirteen months prior to
his on air suicide and that a woman was involved. Several drawn portraits of
this woman were littered throughout the flat, but as of yet no positive
identification has been found.
The producers of BONGO'S
BEAT have suspended production of the show until a final decision is made and
after possible legal and civil suits have been settled. For now, the show is in
reruns sans any episodes that had Jimney playing out his fantasies with Sock.
No further word on whether the skits will eventually be aired or destroyed.
*********************************
MEDICINE
HOW SAFE ARE SEATTLE'S HOSPITALS?
A Special Report by Preciousjax
An elderly woman of
fifty-one fell and compacted her twelfth vertebrae in her apartment several
months ago. Due to the excruciating pain that she was in, the woman, whose
family asked that she not be identified, was going to be spending at least a
week in the hospital. She was lying in her bed the night after her injury, in
the spinal cord injury unit of Metro Medical Hospital, when an explosion rocked
the third floor. She was knocked from her bed and struck her head on the wall
with enough force to kill her instantly.
Assassination attempts
in or around hospitals have risen in an alarming rate in the past five years.
It is estimated that at least one thousand people will be murdered while
receiving medical care and at least six hundred more will die because they were
in the wrong room at the wrong time. This is one crime that is sadly becoming
an everyday occurrence, and one that rarely even makes top story news anymore.
This particular
assassination attempt was a sniper's bullet missing its intended target, the
police assume, and hitting an oxygen tank near by. Luckily for the room's inhabitant,
an unknown person had moved him down the hall and into safety before the attack
had taken place. Mr. Logan Cale, who barely escaped with his life after being
shot in the back earlier in the day, is once again lucky to be alive.
Unfortunately, not
everyone has the guardian angel that Mr. Cale did and thousands of people are
dying due to the lack of safety in today's medical facilities. Before the
Pulse, medical facilities were one of the safest places someone could go. Now
that security officers are needed in other supposedly more dangerous places,
people have been known to wonder into the hospitals in the middle of the night
to visit patients.
Such is the case of Mr.
Cale's guardian angel. No one on staff knows who moved him, but one nurse saw a
woman dressed in black pushing his gurney down the hall mere seconds before the
attack was made. This leads me to ask; maybe instead of calling her a guardian
angel, maybe we should be referring to her as his dark angel?
While following up with
Mr. Cale's story, I received information from an inside source that stated Mr.
Cale had another run in with this 'dark angel'. After a surgery on his spinal
cord, this mysterious woman donated the life-giving blood that he was
desperately in need of, and would have died without. The oddity of this
situation was the woman performed to procedure herself, without permission or
help from doctors. This just goes to show that anyone can walk into a hospital
and do whatever they want to a patient with the workers of the hospital either
not knowing or not caring of the outcome.
Now that hospital
violence and mishaps are on the up rise, maybe it is time that we placed a call
to bring the ineffective security off the streets and into the places we need
them most.
BALKAN WAR SYNDROME: IS
THE CURE WORSE THAN THE DISEASE?
By Daf9
A surprising development
in the treatment of Balkan War Syndrome was announced this week at the
University of Washington Seattle. Cortodiazapine, the standard accepted
treatment for this disease has been shown to lead to an unacceptably high
increase in liver disease.
A meta analysis of liver
failure incidence rates in Seattle and around the country over the past ten
years showed a significant drop in newly diagnosed cases for this year that was
traced back to last year's disruption in Cortodiazapine supplies. Further
laboratory studies have confirmed an association between Cortodiazapine usage
and loss of liver function.
Scientists around the
country and abroad are frantically searching for an alternative treatment.
Currently St. Johns wart holds the most promise.
*********************************
EDITORIAL
IT'S A DEPRESSION, SO WHO'S REALLY DEPRESSED?
By Samcrazy
Hey, we all know the
saying, life goes on. But in these dark
times you can't help but look out and see all the people of a one fruitful and,
dare I say it, happy city struggling to keep on their feet. There are a few exceptions, for course, the
few lucky people who immediately after the Pulse found financial security in
some area. Well, you can't help but be
jealous. We here at the 'Streets'
interviewed a few of these people, and by far the most popular among our
reporters was Mr. Logan Cale, heir to the Cale trust.
Reporter: "So Mr.
Cale, how does it feel to live up here, and be able to look down on the less
fortunate?
Cale: "I find it
very, very depressing to think that others are not as lucky as me. I was fortunate enough to have a sum of
money to fall back on, and some of that I use to help out the people of
Seattle."
Reporter: "Can you
elaborate?"
Cale: "Recently I
donated a cheque to the children's hospital, so that they could buy the
equipment they needed to get it up and running again."
Reporter: "It's
good to know that some people in this community still care."
Cale:
"Thanks."
Reporter: "What
extra activities do you enjoy, thanks to your money?"
Cale: "As I believe
in helping others that aren't as lucky, I have set up a wheelchair basketball
team and an area especially for this not just for me, but for the other
disabled in Seattle. I also have been able to buy local art painted by the
talented in Seattle, again helping out those not as lucky as me."
Reporter: "Thank
you Mr. Cale for your time."
We have seen this side
of life, and as we want the story from both sides, we looked at the people of
Seattle who sleep on the streets, and earn little money each day. We interviewed a Mr. Phil, a man who lives
in a run-down shack on the outskirts.
Reporter: "I will
be blunt, Mr. Phil. How is life here,
on the streets?"
Phil: "Umm, well, it's,
awful, I guess..."
Reporter: "Just
awful?"
Phil: "It,
is...yeah, awful. People who have more
money look down on you like you are trash or something."
Reporter: "I
see...well, thank you, Mr. Phil."
Sure life is hard. But at times like this we need to remember,
that as long as we have family and friends, life will go on.
I have to make a
confession
I don't like the
post-pulse depression
There's peppermint oil
But no potatoes to boil
These limericks are
becoming an obsession.
DAF9
OP-ED
By Weirdarchive
We had recently read
some erroneous information about the death of the Exalted Reverend Samantha
Adjia of the Nation of Islam Reformed, formerly the American Pop Culture slave
Britney Spears, from Ninja650, a reporter for your paper. We send you this
letter to inform you and those oppressed by the militaristic police state of
America that the Exalted Reverend is alive and well and presently preaching the
word of Allah and Malcolm X in the enlightened sovereign state known as the
Republic of Alaska, whose duly and legally elected president 'Governor' William
Hodges continues the fight against the abusive and oppressive Zionist
controlled puppet nation of America and for the freedom of all indigenous
peoples in the Western Hemisphere and whose grateful hospitality for the
unjustly pursued Exalted Reverend is most appreciated. The Exalted Reverend
feels that the murder of the false 'Britney Spears', while tragic, is another
example of the racist government's attempts at enslaving the people to
materialistic and obscene images and culture, as well as making a false
martyrdom of a life that was false and obscene to start with.
The Exalted Reverend had
renounced that past life when she was freed by the Word of Allah and the speeches
of the prophet Malcolm X. She gave up that name and that life of 'Britney
Spears' because it reminded her of her sexual servitude and of her role in
shackling the minds and hearts of the youth of America with false sexual
freedom and decadent godless living. Soon after her lowest point in life with
her 'interview' and demeaning pictures in the August 2007 issue of PLAYBOY
(where she insists she was beguiled like so many of her position like Dana
Plato, Kristy Swanson, Belinda Carlisle, Sarah Michelle Gellar, and Alyson
Hannigan into posing nude and semi-nude for such smut magazines like PLAYBOY,
MAXIM, and PERFECT 10.), she found the True Word and was saved to preach the
Gospel of Islam, Reformed where women are truly liberated from the sexual
bondage of the media and the so-called Christian Church and allowed to be true
to themselves and God. The person who deluded himself or herself into killing
this false 'Britney' is a sad and lonely person who was foolish to take the
life of an equally foolish woman who based her life on distorted images and
unrealistic dreams. The Exalted Reverend offers her consoling services on a
personal and non-judgmental basis to this lost soul who did this act in
exchange for his/her submission to any employment official of the Republic of
Alaska within the Seattle city limits. She offers complete and total absolution
from all criminal prosecution since 'Britney Spears' and the life she led
before her salvation was dead long ago. You can not kill what has already
passed on.
We urge the readers of
this paper to recognize the truth, both of the living prophet and freedom
fighter the Exalted Reverend Samantha Adjia formerly 'Britney Spears' and of
the word of Allah which will blaze a path of freedom and equality against those
who seek to profit from the sexual slavery and tyranny of the mind, body, and
soul. Find the True Word and the teachings of the Exalted Reverend any way you
can. Fight the racist overlords of America and choose living!
Praise Allah, the
Prophet, and the Exalted Reverend,
Nathan Onyx, secretary
to the Office of the Exalted Reverend and ambassador of the Free State of
Franklin (formerly the enslaved states of the Midwest) to the Republic of
Alaska, Nation of Islam, Reformed.
*********************************
LETTERS TO THE EDITOR
Dear Editor,
My comrades and I down
at the lodge were horrified to read Mr. ANGUSHARDIE's recent article describing
the sale of the Statue of Liberty to the sultan of Brunei. As veterans of the
Gulf War, we feel our country owes us more than the slap in the face that we
see selling this great national monument to another one of those d*mn Islamic
nations to be. In protest we have "liberated" every copy of Koran to
be found in Seattle's public libraries and will be staging a giant bonfire on
July 6 (Mohammad's birthday). Fellow minded Americans are welcome to join us.
Disgruntled Veterans
Der ediTer
Dat guy what got charged
with the shot in the head thing? He dinnit do it. Sure he threw da guy out du
window but if he died from a shot in the head he musta been alive when he
landed...And so dat guy what got charged he's a victum of mistaken idnetity.
Dear Editor
attn: Julie (of the
Wheelchair Basketball story)
I was writing to inquire
about the Wheelchair Basketball league mentioned in last week's paper. My
sister who is in a wheelchair as the result of an auto accident wants to know
if women are welcome to play as well, or if not; is there a women's league? And
what about a children's league?
Dear Writer,
Thank you for your interest
in the Wheelchair Basketball league. There were no women that were playing in
the game I saw; however, if there are enough women interested then a league can
be started. In the meantime tell your sister to go down to the high school
courts and talk to the guys that play. I don't see a reason why the league
couldn't become coed. The guys were all really nice and they are willing to
welcome anyone that would be interested in playing.
Julie
Dear Editor,
This is for that
&*&^ reporter of yours Ms. Shnapzie. I came home after a hard days work
at the public library only to discover that my cardboard condo had been
COMPLETELY DISMANTLED by my neighbors who, on the advice of Ms. Shnapzie's
column were burning it in their trash can!!! How would you like it if I came to
your apartment and removed all the bricks to turn them into brick heating pads
or modern sculpture? My neighbors, they're nice people, but not the sharpest
crayons in the box if you get my drift? Please, please don't give them any more
BRIGHT ideas!
Homeless in Seattle
Dear Editors,
I just finished reading
your article about the Raphael Banks dress that was stolen, and the mysterious
person who paid for it. Maybe I should point out that I am writing this letter
from Marberry State Penitentiary where I am on year two of my seven-year
sentence for grand larceny of a similar Raphael Banks dress. My question is,
does this man have certain criteria on who he saves from law suits, because
where was he when I was getting drug out of my job as a bike messenger three
years ago? His deep pockets could have come in handy to me then. But if this
mystery man is sitting in some tricked out penthouse, feeling bad for not
helping me out, he could always pay off my no good cheap SOB lawyer. Or he
could buy me back that dress that I stole, I am serving ten years and they
didn't even let me keep the dress!
Sincerely,
PDP (Poorly Dressed in
Prison)
Dear Editors,
Two weeks ago, there was
a book review on the biography of the current Democratic presidential nominee,
one Karen E. Murray. I'd just like to clear the record now, I am Jacquelyn D.
Arnold, and just because I am in jail doesn't mean that my word is any less
credible. Karen E. Murray is a bi***. Straight up bad person. She lied,
cheated, and slept her way to the top office. She can't be trusted. She
likes...[gasp shudder] HARRY POTTER BOOKS! I know all this because I spent
several years associating (unwillingly) with her on a old message board
dedicated to the long running FOX television sci-fi drama (that can still be
seen with new episodes in its 19th season). She did nothing but harass me and
the other fan fiction writers. If not for her, I would not have had my little
incident at the post office with that .44 and I would not be serving my twenty
to life sentence that I am now. She *is* the weakest link, and now that this
country is finally crawling out of the post-depression hell that we have found
ourselves in, do we really want to trust the country to a girl who used to ride
around on a scooter while she checked out her neighbor? That is what I thought.
So if worse comes to worse, vote republican if you have to, just keep Karen E.
Murray out of office. The day she gets voted in, well, that is the day that I
jab out my eyes with the wrong end of a sharp stick.
Sincerely,
Jacquelyn D. Arnold,
Author of the Never Best Selling Never Critically Acclaimed Book 'How to Take
Over the World And Get Away With It.' Available Nowhere
Note to our readers: Ms.
Arnold implies in her letter that she is in prison. Our sources reveal she is
actually serving time in the home for the "two bricks short of a
load" crowd.
Dear Editor
A paper called
"Streets of Seattle"
Thinks citizens
shouldn't be cattle
And so once a week
The editors speak
Too bad that it's all
just prattle.
"loyal" reader
and aspiring limerick writer
*********************************
LIFESTYLES
SEATTLE'S DIRTY LAUNDRY
By Angushardie
Every week this reporter
is faced with a problem: I have a pile of dirty laundry yet because of the high
price of launderettes I cannot afford to actually wash any of it. So what do I
do? What I do is I go to the apartment of a good (and rich!) friend and use
their washing machine. However, I assume that not everyone does this. Mainly
because the apartment never seems as crowded as it would have to be if all of
the inhabitants of the Seattle area were using that one washing machine. So in
the interests of research, this intrepid reporter decided to go out into
Seattle and investigate how Seattle deals with its dirty laundry.
I felt that the first
place to start was the launderette. I visited the SunWash launderette on the
corner of Pacific Avenue and Constitution Drive. First a quick check of the
prices and then inside. At $7 for a wash and $5 for a dryer this is not a cheap
option. The prices are so high that most probably couldn't afford to avail
themselves of the services of this select establishment with any regularity.
However it did seem quite busy so I got talking to Gina Dupris, a food service
worker in her 30s who was washing her clothing there.
"Yes I come here
occasionally but its a bit of treat for me, the prices are a bit high for every
month", and her opinion of the service offered: "Not too bad, the
owner seems a little less creepy than most which is why I come to this one
rather than that one owned by the private detective."
Finally I asked here
what she did the rest of the time: did she try to use some else's washing
machine, wash by hand, or simply not wash her clothing at all.
"Well mostly I just
wash by hand, as an abattoir worker the management don't care terribly so I
only make an effort when my clothing really needs it or when I'm going out.
Which isn't much since I don't get paid loads."
Moving swiftly away from
Ms. Dupris' blood splattered clothing I noticed a smart gentleman in the corner
eyeing the whole room in a covert manner. Moving inconspicuously up to him I
got into a hushed conversation and managed to ask a few questions. Although
first I received a warning: "Be quiet will you, I don't want to get
noticed."
Upon further enquiry I
learnt that the man who shall remain nameless was intending to add his small
amount of washing to somebody else's load and get them to pay. Like the Cuckoo
bird laying its eggs in another birds nest, this man apparently puts his
laundry in the machines of others. He then tries to recover the items after the
washing cycle is complete. His success rate? "Well, I gets my wash done, I
guess. Sometimes things get a bit edgy, y'know, but I gets my wash done."
I questioned him further
on his approach, what happens if the unwilling target realizes that not all of
the washing is their own? "I do lose some, but its a cost of doing
business y'know. But I have this face that I gives to the mark, its like,
"(adopts upper class British accent)" My dear chap, I'm so sorry I
must have left those trifling items in your machine, so sorry." (he
returned to his normal accent)" Which generally works Ok. Somebody tried
to beat me once and I've been thrown out of a couple of laundries but not too
bad."
At this point my
dishonest companion noticed a suitable target, a female senior citizen, and
promptly moved to 'provide assistance'
to her.
After some debate with
friends and some research I have come to the conclusion that the best thing is
to find a rich person with a washing machine and marry them. I will be moving
in with Jenny (My rich friend) tomorrow. However for those without this possibility the choice is split evenly
between hand washing, dishonestly washing in the cuckoo style and not washing
at all.
Personally I think that
this is an urgent problem and if the citizens of Seattle are not to be known
far and wide as the most odorous in all of America then something will have to
be done. However I don't care, I have a washing machine.
And no, you can't use
it.
The cuckoo is a cunning
bird
Others raise his chicks
I've heard
With laundry seven bucks
a load
It's made me try a
cuckoo mode
That load over there's
my third.
DAF9
THE HOUSING ALTERNATIVE
By Shnapzie
Squatting. An altogether
practical decision to make. The benefits of squatting far outweigh the
arguments against. For one thing, you're no longer bothered by the
inconvenience of property tax. You can move in and out with ease, and don't
have to worry about selling your pad. And the rent's cheaper--approximately
nil.
Seattle residents seem
to recognize this: according to the current census report, more than one out of
three people don't legally live in their place of residence.
'Course, squatting does
have its downside. All that money one saves by sidestepping taxes goes toward
the weekly sector police payoff. At least once they're paid, you can dubiously
trust them not to report you. It wouldn't be in their financial interest to
turn you in.
Whether it's a good idea
or not, this opinionated reporter enjoys her rent free studio she doesn't own,
rent, or pay taxes for. And it's a darn good thing I'm content, cause on my
salary I can't afford anything costlier.
This advice is for all
you squatters
Who dislike mingling with
yachters
Keep your shanties
inland
With a burning trash can
on hand
And just stay away from
the waters
DAF9
*********************************
POETRY AWARD WINNER
The editorial staff of Streets
of Seattle unanimously declared the following submission as the Grand Prize
Winner in our DAF9 Poetry Contest. It
was in fact submitted as a personal ad, so if you are interested in dating the
writer please reply to SOS Box 287. Although we personally find the writer somewhat frightening as a
relationship prospect, his/her talent is unquestionable. Plus, he/she won a gift certificate to
Mohammed's House of Spaghetti and a year's supply of Kool-Aid, so maybe it's
not such a bad idea after all.
CLASSIFIED AD
By Ewachsmuth
In the labyrinth
Of sweet
death-compelling dreams
It's your eyes I seek
In the labyrinth
Echoing sobs of the lost
My grief cries to you
In the labyrinth
I hunger without
reprieve.
Feed me--Hear my voice
In the labyrinth
I seek you, my dark
angel.
Without you, I'm lost.
*********************************
FEATURES
ODDITIES
By Logans_Babe
Recently some of our
reporters got word that the soup kitchens were being bombarded with people. We
investigated, knowing the sector police were not letting many people in who
were prepared to stay.
It just so happened that
the people who were raking the soup kitchens clean were not newcomers at all,
but citizens of Seattle! They get the food from the kitchens and then take them
to all day cookouts where everyone brings their own dish! So, we went under
cover to one of these so-called cookouts and to our surprise we found that this
was a very popular thing to do. That way no money is spent and there is a
variety of different foods to enjoy.
Even though the soup
kitchens are not too happy about being picked clean, everyone agrees that this
way many people can come together to enjoy a meal and have a little fun in day
to day life. For more information about the cook outs contact the Streets of
Seattle.
HOW TO SURVIVE THE POST-PULSE DEPRESSION TIP OF THE DAY
By Shnapzie and Daf9
Shnapzie: No sane person would pay the 55 cents it costs to make a call on
a pay phone. So here's a secret: If you give it a good whack on it's side just above
the change return slot, someone's change likely will be returned to you! The
unfortunate thing is, after everyone reads this article, no one will bother
paying anymore, and change will cease to just pour out.
In order to prevent
this, this newspaper and this reporter claim absolutely NO liability regarding
pay phone fraud. We won't be held responsible, so don't even try!
Daf9: As an alternative plan, go to one of the apartments in the fancy
part of town [NOT Fogle Towers, that's my gig]. Bribe the doorman to give you
access to the laundry room where you carefully remove one or two pairs of men's
pants from each washing machine and pick approximately 1/2" worth of
stitches out of the front pockets. Replace the pants in the machine and then
just hang around outside the building for a week or so collecting change.
Shnapzie: Of course if you have to make an EMERGENCY call this method is
not very useful. Otherwise, excellent plan! In return for so kindly sharing
your tip, I'll leave Fogle Towers alone.
Hee hee! A bunch of rich
guys walking around, money dropping out their pants with every step--and
they're so caught up in themselves that I bet they don't even notice!
Daf9: Actually
I'm planning on relocating. Business has dropped off sharply in recent months.
Ever since something happened to this one dude and his companion/bodyguard(?).
Dude's now in a wheelchair and carries his change in a bag and his new
companion/bodyguard keeps his in his socks. I've tried everything, including
sending the companion a pair of sandals but to no avail. Anyway I'm planning on
transferring my operation down to the YumYum motel. Turns out its one of the
"in" places for guys with the flash to step out on their wives. And
apparently many of them use the motel laundromat to hide the evidence. Lady who
had the franchise is retiring to Mexico.
*********************************
ENTERTAINMENT
FILM FESTIVAL GETS TWO THUMBS UP
By Jox5
Last Friday, the Yum Yum
Tree Motel held a film festival in a effort to pull them back from closing down.
They featured pre-pulse classics like Titanic, The Matrix, Castaway, and
Mission Impossible 8.
A crowd of about two
hundred showed up to escape the reality of the world we live in. That didn't
work to well with the parking lot that shouldn't have been able to seat more
than one hundred fifty.
However, despite the
lack of oxygen and the smelly cheap motel, it was a first rate festival.
I give in two thumbs up.
MOVIES
By Weirdarchive
On Cineplex 2, Canada.:
TEST PATTERNS, 2005, voices of Katie Holmes, Tobey Maguire, Josh Hartnett, and
Alec Baldwin. Written, Produced, and Directed by Trent Reznor. Animated.
Unrated. Arguably one of the most hotly debated cult
films in recent memory, Trent Reznor's one and only attempt at film making has
been called many things. From 'Brilliant and morbid' (ROLLING STONE) to
'Confusing, bizarre, and hard to follow' (THE GUARDIAN) to 'The biggest piece
of sh*t I've ever seen, and I wouldn't watch it again with a gun to my b*lls'
(the defunct ScoopMe.com), Reznor's ode to FAUST, Harlan Ellison's rock and
roll novel SPIDER KISS (which Mr. Ellison had to sue to get a title credit and
a piece of the box office gross), and Brian De Palma's THE PHANTOM OF THE
PARADISE (who unsuccessfully tried to stop distribution and sued to copyright
infringement which was eventually settled out of court) is a mind numbing trek
into Heaven, Hell, and Cleveland. Katie Holmes plays Star Brite, a bisexual
rock maiden (to which some critics have argued is Reznor's passing swipe on the
then teen pop star Britney Spears), who makes a deal with Satan (Maguire) for
eventual rock godhood. The only thing standing in her way is an innocent
rockabilly revivalist (Hartnett) and his manager/father/New Age Christian
priest guru (Baldwin). Rumor had it that Marilyn Manson was to be the lead, but
due to his many arguments with Reznor, he was dropped from the project.
Surprisingly, Ms. Spears did provide vocals, as well as Janet Jackson, REM, and
Sonic Youth. This film is strictly for music buffs and those who need a few
hours to kill. An acquired taste at best. Contains very strong sexual
content, Satanic references, gore, and drug use. Parents Strongly Cautioned!
*********************************
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with it. In our three week course you will learn the meaning and correct
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the names of all the Canadian prime ministers from MacDonald onward, the most
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to tell the difference. How to speak English like a Francophone and French like
an Anglophone, where is Toronto and why is it not the capital of Canada? Famous
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endless. Sign up now and you'll be in Winnipeg in time for the first snowfall
or by Canada Day (July 1), whichever comes first!
*********************************
ADVICE
Dear He Said/She Said,
Having been married
three times, I have children living in three different sectors. Yet my sector
passes are limited. How can I make my children feel equally loved?
Sincerely,
Policed Parent
Dear Policed: I feel for
you in a strange sort of way, it's never easy living in a police state, if your
children are all over the age of ten, I suggest keeping in touch by mail and getting
together only at times when your sector passes allow. Also be sure to explain
that you only have so much money that you can't exactly be present all the
time, as a working mother myself I find it difficult to visit my own family as
I spend most of my time in sector 6. I hope this has helped you.
He Said/She Said
Dear He Said/She Said:
There is nothing to
drink in the house but vodka and milk and I'm lactose intolerant. Whatever
shall I do?
Thirsty in Seattle.
Dear Thirsty in Seattle:
Based on an instant
messenger, I am not going to mention any names, (KAREN!!!), but I think I know
who you are (KAREN!!!). If you choose to remain anonymous (KAREN!!!) this is
fine, so I will leave your name out (KAREN!!!). All I can say is, make sure you
take some aspirin before you pass out, it will help with the hangover in the
morning. Also, please do not operate any heavy machinery, like tanks or
aircraft carriers, and please, stay out of my state. Or, you could walk to the
story and by some orange juice and make screwdrivers, but then you wouldn't
just have vodka and milk would you? My advice? Sell the milk on Antique
Roadshow, its a rare commodity these days and I'm sure you'll catch a fare
price, the go buy yourself some Kool Aid.
He Said/She Said
Dear Martha Stewart
My two co-husbands and I
are planning a dinner party for the upcoming 4th of July. We will be serving
rat and are facing the perennial question. Red, white or dandelion wine? We
have agreed to abide by your decision.
Anxious hostess
Dear Anxious Hostess,
I am sorry to inform you
Martha is dead. Do you have any post-pulse wine cause that would be the best.
If you don't then white wine.
He Said/She Said
*********************************
CLASSIFIEDS
Dumpster diver looking
for companion. After an unfortunate experience with a faulty lid I no longer
wish to dumpster dive alone. Contact Box 345. Serious replies ONLY. DapHt9
Professional toilet
paper use teacher seeking companionship. Free lesson with date(valued at
$24.99). Demonstration included. Note: BYOTP, plumbing expenses not included
upon toilet clogging. Persons suffering from diarrhea need not apply. Void
where prohibited.
Pink-haired female seeks
devoted companion. Should be skilled in cutting and pasting, de-fogging
monitors, and cleaning crumbs from keyboards. Love and adoration required but
no physical contact permitted. Contact "Editor," Streets of Seattle.
A statue of the Egyptian
goddess Bast to replace one lost from my apartment. No questions asked but will
pay extra if you can put me in contact with the original seller. Contact Logan
Cale, Fogle Towers, Seattle.
SWF X-6 looking for a
delightful male that enjoys dark basements and playing war games. specifically
"Release and Catch". He must have nice teeth Call for X6-269 in
basement block X6.
A man with a fine set of
choppers
Wants a woman who is an
eye-popper
Has posted this ad
To see what's to be had
Please don't make me
come up a cropper
DAF9
Wanted: I need a 6 speed
auto. transmission in good condition for a 2009 Ford 5.7 liter twin turbo Mustang.
I have no money, but can trade, I have some Medical supplies, salt, suger,
pepper, real bath soap[no lye]and some nice baby teeth to trade. Contact me
from 7pm to 9pm in front of Jenn's Liquor & Bike store
Dear Door Mat Don
I'm from Azerbaijan
I once had a vision
Of such a transmission
But when I awoke it was
gone.
DAF9
Dear Door Mat Don
I'm DAF from Ceylon
I too had a vision
of such a transmission
I sold my transmission
to John.
DAF9
Dear DCRACING
I see what you're facing
A vintage transmission
In decent condition
It may be a dream that
you're chasing
DAF9
Dear Door Mat Don
Now the pranksters have
gone
If you want your
transmission
Just make a decision
It's sitting out there
on my lawn.
DAF9
