STREETS OF SEATTLE
(date withheld), 2019
http://pages.prodigy.net/jennem
To our readers: The stories appearing in today's STREETS OF
SEATTLE have been cleared by the U.S. Army under the provisions of the Martial
Law Declaration of 2009 and the National Emergency Declaration of 2010.
Editor in Chief: Jennem1
Managing Editor:
Samcrazy
Politics Editor:
Preciousjax
Chief Financial Officer:
Logans_Babe
News Editor: Cherokee128
Opinion Editor: Shnapzie
Senior Reporter: Daf9
Featured Reporter:
Weirdarchive
Contributing Reporter:
Ninja650
Contributing Reporter:
Dammachine
Contributing Reporter:
Sportzgirl16
Contributing Reporter:
Iluveyesonly
Conspiracy Reporter:
Darkknight
Contributing Reporter:
DCRacing
**********************************
LOCAL NEWS
MYSTERIOUS MEN
By Ninja650
In a strange turn of
events, a few days ago a landlord in a local apartment building was killed
while what seemed to be thieves ransacked one of the apartments. Police suspect
that the loud rummaging through the apartment and the sound of the door getting
kicked in is what drew the attention of the landlord, who out of concern for
his tenants went to check if everything was all right. It was then where he was
caught by the thieves and got his neck broken. Nothing was reported missing
from the apartment, however. Maybe the landlord provided enough of a
distraction to throw off their plan.
The man was killed in
the same fashion as the concierge from that hotel a few weeks ago. Remember
that story? The one with the guys who punched through the elevator door,
harassed the bellhop, and killed the concierge at the front desk? Police see a
link between the two deaths and are trying to trace them back to the three men
that were caught on the video surveillance. The crimes were acted out in the
same fashion. A kicked in door, no items stolen, and a man with a broken neck.
Police were keeping big lookout for these three.
In a bizarre twist to
this story, the offices of Washington Meridian Insurance were destroyed just a
few days ago. Manager Mr. Petrik discovered this on his way to work early the
next day. He came to find windows busted out, three dead people, and the
remains of what looked to be some kind of explosion. Two of the men were, oddly
enough, part of the three that were on the surveillance camera in the hotel.
One died in the explosion, the other by gunshot wounds. The other man was not
part of the group and is suspected of being the killer of these men. The third
of the original group has yet to be found. Police suspect that that one
survived after plunging an axe into the body of their attacker. Police have no
clue as to his whereabouts. But the strange thing is, why did they pick the
offices of an insurance building to have their battle and how did they get in?
The windows were reported as broken from the inside. A window high above was
broken in from the outside, but could anyone survive such a fall or be able to
get up and fight a battle after it? Well, these guys were said to be able to
punch through an elevator door, so who knows?
With the criminal
elements nefarious
A landlord's job is
precarious
To have your neck broken
For a paycheck that's
token
I'd rather MY danger be
vicarious
Daf9
SEAGULLS SHARE SPACE NEEDLE WITH SEATTLETONIANS
By Dammachine
It has been brought to
this reporter's attention that the space needle is being "abused" by
certain rather unpopular scavenger birds. It is reported that the droppings
from the seagulls are harming the structural integrity of the once beautiful
Seattle landmark. Not to mention creating a hazard for anyone walking below.
Local city politician
Jessica Fans states. "If the situation isn't "rectified" then this
could be all "butt" the "end" of the tower that has been
the highlight of the skyline in our fair city. Seattle is considering all options
including piping in loud music consisting of mainly a bass rif, percussion
instruments and a synthesizer."
Another possibility is
the start up of a new industry involving something about Bonsai Birds. More on
Bonsai Birds in upcoming issues.
**********************************
INTERNATIONAL NEWS
AMERICAN VIGILANTISM ON THE RISE
By Shnapzie
American vigilantism has
reached an all-time high, second only to the months following the Pulse, report
scientists at Columbia, one of America's few remaining privately owned
universities. Typically associated with
homicide, vigilantes perform their deeds with no regard to the legality of
their actions. Essentially, they take the law into their own hands.
Vigilantism has always
been a problem in the US; however, for the most part this was confined to
street gangs and the organized crime circles.
Since the Pulse, though,
vigilantism carried out by the layman has shot up. According to Columbia's
report, today 37% of unlawful killings are performed independent of a gang or
crime unit, as opposed to 31%, the previously held record next to those months
subsequent to the Pulse (42%).
The most prominent
reasons stated for this increase are "the ease with which murders are able
to be performed" and "the recognization of the negligence in
investigating unknown homicides." The report did not include specifics
pertaining to the laxness of the investigative branch of the legal system.
**********************************
CONSPIRACY
Editor's Note:
Conspiracy theory is by nature a complicated subject. When dealing in an area rampant with shady dealings, half-truths,
and outright lies, discovering the real answers is far from simple. Recently, we assigned a re-opening Moon
Landing Hoax story. Theories on the
first American moon landing have been surfacing and changing for
years..starting not too long after the "landing" itself. The result? Two writers, two completely different theories. Who's right? Who knows?
CONSPIRACY THEORIES: MOON LANDING A HOAX?
SPYDER aka The Dark Knight the Conspiracy Theories Reporter
"One small step for
man, one giant leap for mankind." Was this never said on the moon but
rather in some secret government hanger in Area 51? It's now over forty-five
years since the Apollo 11 landing, described as the greatest achievement of the
20th century that has yet to be matched. But since the collapse of the American
government after the pulse it has been discovered that some once classified
government documents confirm some of the dreamers on that fateful day in July
when we touched on the surface of the moon.
According to these
documents, the 2001 Fox program claiming the whole thing was a hoax was
actually right. So you are thinking to yourself how can something they taught
us at school be totally wrong? (Just like Columbus being the first person to
reach American…but that's a whole other story.) Well, the proof is right below
and if you can't believe it read it again. Rene and Percy, two of the leading
expert supporters of this theory, concluded the following:
*The classic picture of
the astronaut and flag has shadows going in different ways.
* NASA is quoted saying "Lunar lander was
unsafe and would be impossible to fly even in the safe atmosphere of Earth.
"
* The tremendous radiation encountered in the
Van Allen Belt, solar radiation, cosmic radiation, temperature control, and
many other problems connected with space travel prevent living organisms
leaving our atmosphere.
*The moon rocks are all
fake and could be made on earth. Also it is said that the same
"backdrop" was used for all the Apollo missions.
* The cross hairs on the
cameras shouldn't be behind objects as they are in a couple of official NASA
photos.
I went back and reread
the info and rewatched what's left of the tape and found one common argument
used by the anti-Apollo folks is that in photographs of astronauts on the lunar
surface, no stars can be seen in the dark sky. Therefore the pictures must have been taken on Earth somewhere.
So what do you guys
think? Hoax or legit? Join me next week.
ORIGINAL MOON LANDING: FRAUD
by Cherokee128
For the past 20 years
conspiracy theorists have tried and tried again to prove the original moon
landing to be fake. All the evidence pointed to a hoax, but there was no proof
to back it up. But now in the year 2019, only a week ago, one of the original
plotters of the hoax made a deathbed confession. He said that NASA had planned
the whole thing, and had built a special set on which to film the entire thing.
The actors were paid for
their services, and the families silenced. The whole world believed that we,
the United States of America, had succeeded in landing on the moon. NASA
officials confirm the whole thing was indeed an elaborate hoax, or was it...?
Please submit your own thoughts to the editor for our letters to the editor
column.
**********************************
SPECIAL REPORT
KNOW YOUR ALERT
LEVELS!!!
By Weirdarchive
In accordance with the
Martial Law Declaration of 2009 and the National Emergency Declaration of 2010,
this newspaper now presents the latest updates of the National Alert Level
Code. This Code has been established to better inform civilians of the current
military situation within their local area. All newspapers and public
facilities are required to make this information available, free of advertising.
For updates in another language, please go to the public library, city hall, or
post office at their regular business hours. The following translations
available are: Spanish, French, German, Arabic, Chinese (Regional dialects
vary. Please be specific in your selection), Japanese, Vietnamese, and
Cherokee. For other translations, request a faxed or printed copy at your
library for a fee of $2.00 (US Gold Coin) or its equal. The fee is strictly for
the computer time and paper since it's presently a strategic material.
The present breakdown of
National Alert Levels are as follows:
LEVEL ZERO: Peace. All civilian authority is in full command. Military
personnel are on standdown. All civil liberties protected under National
Declaration except for extreme cases.
LEVEL ONE: Possible disturbance coming within a week or more. All civilian
authority remains in control, but key persons must be in contact with military
high command for updates of current situation. Military personnel are at low
security alert, checking all unauthorized personnel on suspicion basis. All
civil liberties protected, but some discretionary powers involving curfews and
public assembly is authorized. Voluntary evacuations to safe areas are
permitted and encouraged within edits of the military command. Essential
personnel, such as doctors and civil engineers, are to remain in contact with
military and civil authorities on possible changes to the political situation.
LEVEL TWO: Possible disturbance coming within a week or less. All civilian authority
must now answer to military command on possible martial law procedures and
maintaining order. Military personnel are at medium security alert, restricted
to base with minimum contact to civilian population and all unauthorized
personnel are to be searched without exception. Civil liberties involving
public assembly, protests, and freedom of speech are closely monitored and
supervised. All known subversives and foreign nationals (whether friendly,
neutral, or hostile to the United States) must be registered to military
command for possible evacuation and/or incarceration. Civil evacuations are
permitted, but in an orderly fashion. All non-essential civil personnel are
urged to withdraw to safer zones. All essential personnel's movements are
restricted to Alert Area Limits assigned by military command. Stockpiling of
essential matériel by civilians is allowable within accordance to military law.
Stockpiling of essential matériel by civil and military authorities is
mandatory.
LEVEL THREE: Disturbance imminent within 24 to 72 hours. All civil authority
must surrender control to military command and remain to assist in possible
evacuation of civilians from area. Military personnel are at high alert, no
unauthorized personnel permitted on base under penalty of incarceration or
death. Civil liberties are suspended until further notice. Curfew in effect.
All known subversives and foreign nationals hostile to the United States will
be detained by military personnel in an orderly fashion. All neutral and friendly
nationals will be evacuated to safer areas. All non-essential civilians
(including children under age 15, the elderly, and the injured) are to be
evacuated from area within time limits. All essential personnel are restricted
to their homes and assigned areas. Stockpiling of essential matériel by
civilians now prohibited under penalty of incarceration. Stockpiling and
seizing of essential matériel by civil and military authorities is mandatory.
All National Guard Units are activated. All civil police units are permitted to
use excessive force to maintain order. All citizen militias are restricted to
their spheres of influence unless directed by military command. Civil disorder
is to be quelled!
LEVEL FOUR: Disturbance imminent within 24 hours or less. All civil authority
is now under direct military control. Military personnel are at highest alert
status, all unauthorized personnel are to be shot on sight for possible
sabotage. Civil liberties are suspended until further notice. 24-hour curfew in
effect for all non-essential personnel not yet evacuated from area. All known
subversives and foreign nationals hostile to the United States are to be
incarcerated by military personnel and shot if they resist. All friendly and
neutral nationals are to be detained to secure grounds along with any remaining
civilians for their own safety. All travel to and from area is restricted to
military convoy and last minute evacuation. All matériel necessary to survive
crisis will be seized by military personnel without question, compensation to
be rendered upon restoration of civil authority. All able-bodied men and women
ages 18-50 are conscripted to civilian militias under the command of the
military to protect vital areas in order to free up all military personnel to
the front. All citizen militias and police forces are now under military
command.
LEVEL FIVE: Conflict! Military is in full command. Martial law is in effect.
All bases are sealed from civilians and all unauthorized personnel are to be
shot on sight! Civil liberties are suspended and any acts against the military
in its duty to maintain order will be answered to with deadly force. All known
subversives and foreign nationals hostile to the United States are to placed in
high security areas and executed at the first sign of disobedience. All
friendly and neutral nationals, as well as any remaining civilians (including
children, the elderly, and the injured) are to be place in secure underground
areas and made as comfortable as possible for the duration. All travel to and
from area is for military use ONLY! All essential personnel are to answer to
military high command until further notice. All civilians bearing arms not
under military command will be assumed as hostile and fired upon. All essential
matériel and strategic areas to be protected at all costs. Restoration of civil
authority will not be allowed until crisis is resolved and a full assessment of
damage and casualties is made.
Any variations of the
Code are permitted only by the head of your state's Military Command
Commission. No unauthorized personnel are permitted to make changes without
written permission. If you have any questions concerning the Code, ask your
nearest Military Command Citizen Advisor. Written questions will be answered
within twenty-four hours. All spoken questions will be answered within twelve
hours or less. If your spoken question cannot be answered within that time
frame, a written answer will be express mailed to your location at the earliest
possible convenience. Always obey your Military Command in times of crisis and
together we can restore America to its former glory.
GOD BLESS AMERICA!
Your Military Command
Citizen Advisory Board
Any reprinting and
distribution of this notice is permitted under the Martial Law Declaration of
2009 and the National Emergency Declaration of 2010 for the safety and
well-being of the public.
**********************************
MEDICINE
LOCAL DOCTOR LAUGHED OFF STAGE AT AMA
By Daf9
Streets of Seattle
learned today that our own local doctor Sam Carr suffered the almost unheard-of
humiliation of having his keynote presentation at the AMA meeting in Chicago
interrupted by hysterical laughter. Dr. Carr of Seattle's Metro Medical
Hospital, was in the midst of his presentation titled "Reappearance of
pluripotents (embryonic stem cells) in an adult male leading to a cure of
trauma-induced paralysis" when the audience burst into laughter.
Citing the impossibility
of such an occurrence as the reason for their response 439 doctors rose en
masse from their seats in the lecture hall and retired to the hotel bar. Dr.
Carr ran after them trying to make them look at the documentation supporting
his claim but he was universally ignored. Dr. Carr's only comment to this
reporter was to shake his head sadly and shrug.
"Bip, bip,
bip" chuckled Dr. Kevin Winters, president of the AMA while downing his
fifth scotch and soda. This reporter later learned that "bip, bip,
bip" was a direct quote from pre-pulse actor and current ambassador to
India, Mr. J.C. Mackenzie. The relevance of the quote to the situation was not
at all clear.
**********************************
EDITORIAL
LIFE IN THE SLUMS
By Samcrazy
In a follow up to this
reporters article on the contrast between the rich and the poor, we now to
focus on the people who struggle on in the worst of conditions.
For an insiders view we
talked to Mr. Phil, one of the interviewees. He agreed to let us follow him around for a day, to record what it is
like to have to depend on a corrupt government for food and shelter. Mr. Phil insisted that we only record his
activities during the day, why not the nights as well he did not tell us.
5:10am Early wakeup in a
cold, rundown building with one drafty window. Mr. Phil proceeds to hide away all his blankets and clothes, for the
simple reason of theft he tells us: "Yeah, loads of people around here
would like to take my stuff. They'd
creep in during the night sometimes and just take the blanket from off
me."
5:30am Mr. Phil shows us
briefly around his neighborhood, the various huddled shacks and buildings with
groups of children playing in the streets. He seems to be quite popular with the families around here. At this point he takes us over to where a
long queue is forming, and he tells us that this is where he gets his breakfast
everyday. We prepare for a long wait.
6:50am After an hour and
fifty minutes waiting, Mr. Phil receives his small portion of rations. He seems to be quite happy at this, and
slowly eats the sloppy mixture of porridge and milk. In between mouthfuls he informs us of what the standard morning
menu is like:
"Well, its porridge
every morning sometimes with sugar if we're lucky, and umm, once I had French
toast, it was a bit moldy but I really liked it."
7:05 Mr. Phil now takes
this time to look around the ports for anything he can salvage. He finds a broken switchboard from a
computer in one trash site, and a few yards of wire in another. At this point we observe that he
protectively hides all he finds in his coat, and after a few minutes, he tells
us to return in three hours to his 'house'.
A strange turn of his
personality, but his behavior mimics a beast that has found a few scraps of
meat in the wilderness. Like any hunger
thing, he does not want any other animal to take his finding away.
10:00am We enter to find
Mr. Phil asleep on the floor with a few electronic gadgets next to him. As we approach he wakes up and
apologizes. He draws us away from his
collection of circuit boards and out into Seattle's streets. He shows us where he usually 'hangs out', which
is not too far from our newspapers offices. He informs us that if he can, he looks around for an up-to-date
newspaper, for he is a big fan.
"I really like
those limericks, and, that thing, about how to survive post-pulse, you know,
those tips. Mr. Ninja's articles are
really good too. And, did you know,
that after reading the paper, it makes really good toilet paper."
11:20am Mr. Phil spends
a little time alone in his home fiddling with a few computer components, and
quickly puts them away as a few men come to the door, demanding blankets. Mr. Phil displays much courage as he refuses
to share his collection of rugs and other items to the thugs. At this point we back off, as one of the men
approaches Mr. Phil with a spanner. In
a marvelous display of strength, he kicks the attacker in the leg, and they run
off. Before we can question further, he
tells us that it is time to line up for lunch.
12:00pm As we line up
earlier then required, Mr. Phil receives his rations sooner. We again sit and eat, and Mr. Phil tells us
of the menu for lunch.
"We get a drink of
a watery coffee mixture, and another bowl of porridge with a couple of pieces
of fruit. We sometimes get other stuff,
but I can't remember right now."
12:30pm For the rest of
the afternoon we send the day watching Mr. Phil as he sorts through small
mementos, most of them pictures and letters. He folds his clothes carefully and reads through an edition of the
'Streets of Seattle'. After five
minutes he excuses himself, informing us that he must relieve himself. He strictly tells us not the search through
his 'stuff'.
3:40pm The weather
changes rapidly in the early afternoon, causing rain and wind. Mr. Phil pulls a thin material over the
window and shuts the rickety door, and sits huddled in the corner. He eats some left over rations from lunch,
and tells us more about his daily routine.
"I don't do much on
Tuesdays. Yeah, on reflection Tuesdays
aren't that good. We get blankets on
Wednesdays and Fridays are good too, they have a new trash dump down by the
docks. That is the highlight of the
day, finding good stuff amongst other things. You know what I found last week? A piece of slightly gnawed and grubby soap. Cool, eh?"
3:55pm Mr. Phil starts
to repair his door, an everyday routine he tells us. Using salvaged metals he hammers a new nail into the frame and
another panel of metal to reinforce the door. He quickly finishes this task, and hurries out the door as a hover drone
passes. We see him examining it with
interest as it passes. When we inquired
as to why, he refuses to answer and informs us that he must go down to the
market.
4:10pm He sets up a
stall next to others selling food, knick-knacks and other things uncommon to
post-pulse Seattle. Mr. Phil removes a
complex piece of electronics, and asks if we would excuse him while he is at
the market.
5:00pm Back at Mr.
Phil's lodgings, we ask if he was successful in selling his electronic
goods. He tells us little about the
trades he made, but proudly shows us what he bought.
"I found a good
pair of shoes, and this is part of an old transistor radio. I bought it with the money I got from the
stuff I sold."
We notice that he places
a small roll of what looks like camera film next to the shoes, but we do not
inquire further into his activities. We
thank Mr. Phil for his time given to us, and conclude the interview.
After this day we
discovered what a mundane life people live when modern day conveniences are
taken away. Though we have only studied
one person amongst many, from Mr. Phil's activities we see that apart from the
time we spent rummaging through the trash life is very routine.
We thank Mr. Phil for
the time we spent with him, and this reporter believes that we can learn a lot
from him, for instance not to take anything for granted.
TELEMARKETERS FROM HELL
An Editorial By Rogelio Riquelme (ghostwritten by Preciousjax)
I was sitting at the
table last night, eating dinner with my family. My son, Rogelio Jr., was crying
his little eyes out because we didn't have much food to eat. So, my wife was
comforting him when I received a phone call. It was one of those lovely
telemarketers that always seem to call you when you are just sitting down to
eat, whether you're eating a nice porterhouse steak or Kraft Easy Mac, as was
the case last night.
Now, normally, I just hang up and don't even
bother to listen to these crack cases we call workers. I'll tell you why. I
bust my little behind working for this newspaper, and you know what, I really
deserve a raise so we can stop eating that Kraft Easy Mac. I don't have the
time or the energy to be talking to people trying to sell me 'death and
dismemberment' insurance in their nice air conditioned office, sitting on their
candy a**es, while I bust my a** at this newspaper, As was the case last night.
So the female on the phone asks me if I ever worried what might happen to me or
my dependents if I were left unable to work do to a disfiguring accident.
Doesn't she know where I work? You have to have some sort of disability,
whether it be mental or other, to work here. So I should just be like [click]
and hang up on this chick, but she begged me not to.
So this woman, who later
identified herself as one 'Original Cindy' (what the hell kind of name is that
anyway?), goes off on this tirade, saying that she's got me covered like
foundation on a drag queen if I am to lose an arm or a leg. She says to me that
Washington Meridian Insurance will 'drop twenty large on whatever is left of my
a**.' So now I am really worried. What happens if a meteor is to drop through
the building and hit me when I am working my menial job? What are my wife and
kid supposed to do when I am stone cold dead? 'Original Cindy' proceeds to say
just about the same thing to me. 'No Daddy, No Dolla Dolla.' She tells me to
step to her, and she'll help me plan little Rogelio's future. No sooner am I
convinced that my life will end and my children will rot in hell while getting
poked with sharp pointy sticks if I don't get this 'death and dismemberment'
insurance that she hangs up on me. Dude! What the hell! She wastes five minutes
of my time, scaring the bloody hell out of me, only to hang up on me.
This is just another
example on how the world has been shot to hell in the post pulse era. It used
to be the telemarketers wouldn't leave us alone until we bought Sears Vinyl
Siding, Chemical Lawn Treatment & subscriptions to 'Streets of Seattle' for
the low price of eight dollars an issue, but now they talk us into buying their
product, and HANG UP BEFORE WE CAN BUY IT!!!!!
Editor's Note: Rogelio
would have finished this article, but he became very enraged at Washington
Meridian insurance and walked into their office building and opened fire on
there telemarketers. Luckily, he was so distressed, he grabbed the cap gun
instead of the real gun. He is awaiting trial, but is expected to be released
into a psychiatric care center within the week.
**********************************
LETTERS TO THE EDITOR
Dear Editors:
I have recently been
attacked in a series of biting editorials by convicted serial
rapist/arsonist/serial killer/lacenist/necropheliac JD Arnold, who is currently
serving time in a mental institution. Now, we must remember that anything and
everything written by Ms. Arnold is purely fictional. We have to take into fact
that this is the woman who thought the United States becoming a nudist country
was a right good idea. We must get rid of this woman's infatuation with me, or
I feel I will go the way of the late Brittany Mauriss, who got in Ms. Arnold's
way at a Dark Angel Autograph signing.
I remain respectfully
yours:
Karen Murray
Editor's note: Reliable
sources indicate that Ms Arnold and Ms Murray are actually long-term roommates
at the insane asylum. Both are a few boxcars short of a caboose if you get my
drift.
Dear Editor,
What is this younger
generation coming to? The other day Jill and I were working down at the Pink
Panther beauty salon and sushi bar when this young woman came in for a
treatment. Very attractive except for the .... well, not to put too fine a
point on it but she had an excess of facial hair. Looked almost like whiskers.
Anyway Jill was just warming up the electrolysis equipment when she jokingly
said to me "This young lady must have cat DNA". Just a joke mind you;
said in good humor. Well, you wouldn't believe it! The young lady leapt from
her chair, upsetting the electrolysis cart and almost injuring Jill, and ran
from the salon. Right through the window! You'd think she'd never heard of
doors? And now the insurance is refusing to pay for the replacement glass. Seems
there's been a lot of young people leaping through windows lately so the
company will no longer cover it.
peeved and penniless
cosmetician
Dear Editor,
I'm responding to an
article done by your reporter, Weirdarchives. So the Britney Spears that I....that
was killed isn't the real Britney? And you say that she's the head of the
Nation of Islam or something? Okay, thank you!
Anonymous
Dear Editor,
I was one of the most
unfortunate people to be conned into DTM's dentistry. And all I have to say is:
all I want for Christmas is my two front teeth!!! I sorted through the
remaining teeth to find my two front teeth, and they were gone!!! Some one out
there has my teeth and I want them back. Please help me find them.
Toothless in Seattle
Dear Editor,
In response to last
weeks article about the teeth, would you please forward this to the gentleman
in question.
Dear DTM,
It's me, DAF, again
I've decided to bequeath
To you, all of my teeth
When I'm dead - you
can't have them 'till then.
Dear Editor,
Because I am such a
marvelous writer, I sent my application into your paper so that you would be
graced with my talent. But I recently was told that the head honcho is a slave
driver, (literally) and she even has a whip! (I saw the whip myself!!) And I
must say that this is very disturbing. I am withdrawing my application.
(Because you ppl scare me!) Please contact me when you get a new head honcho so
that I may apply again...
Disturbed Applicant
Dear Editors
I have just finished
reading your article written by Daf9 entitled 'Missing Cat Burglar Baffle
Police'. Who says that this mysterious cat burglar is man? It could be some
female that leads an every day life by day, and by night the great cat burglar
that we know SHE is. Girls kick a**, it says so on the tee shirt. And as far as
the odd things that were stolen, maybe I...that is the cat burglar has a joy
for cherry flavored bubble gum, and is going to sell the back issues of
magazines on Antique Road Show. And, by the way, who names anything but a horse
Missy? No wonder the child was devastated! It wasn't because I...I mean the cat
burglar borrowed her magazines, it's because her parents gave her that
ridiculous name and it was printed in the newspaper for everyone to read. And
as far as greener pastures go, of course I have, I eat pasta tricolore every
night, so ha.
Sincerely, Ma....that
is....The Cat Burglar.... I mean....A Reader
Dear Editors:
I just wanted to thank
you from the bottom of my heart for all you have done to change my life. Last
week, I was read your add on the 'How to Pass As A Canadian' and it was an
offer I just couldn't pass up. I learned so much from this course, don't ya
know, and now my favorite color is white, which I see when I am 'out and about'
in Winnipeg. The first thing I did was go out and by one of those hats with the
floppy ears. My life has been so much better now that I am living in Canada,
eh, and its all thanks to you.
Thank You, Cold In
Canada
**********************************
SPORTS
KIDS AND SPORTS IN POST-PULSE SEATTLE
Cherokee128
Do you remember back to
when you were a kid who played sports in a summer league?? You got together
with all your best friends, and signed up for a once a week game against a
rival team? I sure do. Well now a day, kids have a new sort of league, an all
year league. After the riots that burned down all the schools, the kids who
were still interested in staying out of trouble, and keeping the peace, at
least among the younger generation, set up a secret sports league. Recently one
of the founders came to the newspaper, asking if we would do a story on it.
There are three sports
in the Kids Sports League (KSL), football, basketball, and field hockey. There
are quite a few changes in the games, due to number, and size restraints.
FOOTBALL- You remember when we watched NFL or college football on TV? Well
our new football is a little different. Instead of 11 players on the field per
team, due to limited players there are only 7 per team. 100 yards to an end
zone? Not anymore, only 75 due to space confinements. No different offense,
defense and special teams, only one team made up of about 10 players with some
subs. What do this do the quality of the play? Not much, the kids who play in
this league take it very seriously. They all play 3 positions or more, which
requires a higher skill level. The rules are mostly the same for this game.
BASKETBALL- There were almost no number changes in basketball, but there were
MANY rule changes. Before b-ball was almost a non-contact sport. Not anymore!
It is what many of us referred to as "Ghetto Ball" back when we
played. Physical contact is at it's highest, there are almost no rules, and
everybody has a great time! The points are a bit different, what would have
been a 2 pointer is now worth a point, and a 3 pointer is worth 2. This is so
it is easier to keep score.
FIELD HOCKEY- Considered a mostly girl sport in our time it has now become 2
separate leagues in the KSL, the Boys and the Girls. Player numbers have
changed, once again due to lack of numbers needed to create enough teams. It is
7 on 7. There are no stick obstructions, no obstructions, no high sticking, and
no high balls but you STILL can't use your feet. Everyone can play every
position, so there is LOTS of switching up during the game. This has made it
more challenging for all the players, and makes it much faster paced.
You may wonder where all
the equipment came from, well all the kids went around to the storage lockers
belonging to the schools, and salvaged most of the equipment, because they were
separate from the schools, the fires didn't reach them. Also some kids had
their parent's equipment. No items were stolen.
The kids of Seattle play
ball
Though the city is under
a pall
But that's nothing new
What else can kids do?
When the adults do
nothing at all.
DAF9
**********************************
NEIGHBORHOOD
GOSSIP
I was informed over my
back yard fence, by a very reliable source, that the black hummers that are
invading our streets 24/7 are minions of the editor of our very own Streets of
Seattle. This source applied for a job here, but upon... hearing certain things
from an unknown reporter, was scared to death and now has taken her application
back. Now, I work for the Streets, and I have to say one thing: RUN! while you
still can! she is trying to take over the world!!!!!!!!
And on a lighter note,
the crime rate has dropped 1%. According to my great aunt's friend, it is
because this mysterious cat burglar has settled down and has found a job and a
man to occupy her time... if you know what I mean... Logans_Babe
I was told by my
cousin's friend, who heard from a messenger girl, who talked to a bum on the
street who said that the president was thinking about selling the Space Needle.
Now, I don't know about you or not, but I say that is bull. Now, I have a
cousin in Washington who says she is the president's.... secretary, and she can
subtly get the president to not sell it. Hopefully she can talk him out of
it... (or threaten him...hehehe)....but I still think we should start a petition
and send it there right away. To sign the petition, please contact SOS. Logans_Babe
My great uncle's second
wife's third husband's oldest daughter's former husband's second cousin's
sister's husband's mother heard from her next door neighbor who got it straight
from the guy who drive's the local 46A bus's nephew's employer that they are
cloning children out in Wyoming. What are the odds on THAT being true? Daf9
EVENTS
by Sportzgirl16
Next Saturday at the
local abandoned warehouse there will be a carnival put on for the kids. This
event will last from sunup to sundown. The person I talked to (who wouldn't
give me his name) said, "There will be activities from sports events to
silly clowns running around juggling."
This sounds like a
carnival that I went to once when I was a child before the pulse. They will be
stations set up where you can buy food and toys for your kids. The event is
free, with the suggestion of a $15.00 donation. This donation will go to the
rebuilding of certain areas in the Seattle area.
For a small donation
You can have the elation
Of Cotton candy and sno
cones
Firing air rifles at a
hoverdrone
All provided by the Cale
foundation
**********************************
FEATURES
Editor's Note: Our
Poetry Edition was a bigger hit than we thought, and we've been flooded with
submissions from our readers. While most were…not good….some were worthy of a
few column inches. Therefore, we've
added a Poetry section to the Features department of the paper. Further submissions are welcome (we can
always use them as scrap paper).
SUNLIGHT FROM SHADOWS
By Cherokee128
I walked through the
dark like a shadow, never to be seen.
You could sense when I
was near you, but you wouldn't find me.
My life was a haze of
memories all drifting, trying to break free.
I held them down deep
within myself, the only way to stay sane.
Than one day the sun
came out and for the first time I saw the light.
The light consumed me,
took me over, and I relented.
I had never felt
anything like this before.
Even now I can still
remember the day the sun burst through the clouds, and swept me up to the sky.
Now, I am going to see
my sun, my light, the only one who brightens my day.
How can it be that all
this is in one man?
ODDITIES
By Logans_Babe
Times are hard on us city
folk. Jobs are scarce (except at SOS, we have lots of jobs, we pay good!!
apply, it doesn't matter what is in the gossip column about jennem, the big
head honcho!!) money is limited. It is no wonder we resort to petty means to
amuse ourselves.
I just happened to be
walking down the street everyone terms "condo street" (due to all the
card board condos). Anyway, I stumbled into a "community" bonfire:
the perpetual warming of the hands and occasional butt. And I discovered an odd
event in action. Two people were throwing different objects into the fire, then
exclaiming about the pretty colors that the object made. I, of course, had to
join in. (What kinda of reporter would I be if I didn't at least try the events
before I termed them odd?) It was, for such an odd event, very entertaining.
We, that is they, discovered many colors and are trying to find more.
I walked even farther
down the street and came across a wrestling match. A toe wrestling match. Very
interesting to watch. Not much fun for women to partake in though. It consists
of two people greasing their feet with what the local condo owners call shimmy
grease. Then they lay on their backs, with someone holding onto their arms, and
intermingle their toes. Then they try to push the other participant's toes
backward until they say mommy. As I said before, it is great for men, but not
so much fun for women.
If you find some
interesting or odd things about our city, please contact SOS. And remember we
have plenty of job openings!!
Why would anyone play
with their toes?
I doubt even Logans_Babe
knows
And this shimmy grease..
I ask you please
Do you really want to
know how this goes?
DAF9
**********************************
ADVICE
Dear He Said/She Said,
I am a 31 yr old
accountant for an old family trust. Recently my fiancée of 4 years and I
discovered that we had the same biological mother. The wedding invitations have
already been sent out and the bridesmaids' dresses are on order. What should we
do?
In vitro baby
Dear In Vitro Baby
Move to a small town in
the country where everyone already has the same last name. The both of you will
be a breath of fresh air in a new community.:)
Dear He Said/She Said,
Last week while
rummaging in an old junk yard my husband found an abandoned pre-Pulse Aztek
that had already been modified with hand controls. As our son is in a
wheelchair due to a degenerative muscular condition my husband feels that
restoring this car would make a perfect birthday gift for him. Unfortunately in
addition to having had its tires removed and its windows shattered the car
appears to have been set on fire and possibly subjected to an explosive device.
How do we start to repair it? Or should we just remove the hand controls and
reinstall them in another vehicle?
Fond Mother
Dear Fond Mother:
Ray: Tom and I laughed
ourselves silly over your letter. The pre-Pulse Aztek was a pile of excrement.
And blowing it up probably improved its aesthetic qualities immeasurably. Your
son would get more driving pleasure from a child's pedal car. Take the hand
controls and install them in something else; anything else.
Tom: For once, I agree
with my brother. That was one butt-ugly car. Giving your son an Aztec would
make him think you hate him and drive him into therapy for years.
Dear Dr. Laura
DAF9 may be going insane
From the rhymes leaching
out of her brain
Dr. Laura won't you
please help
You impudent whelp
What do you mean? Just
Abstain!
Dear W555,
I'd answer you in rhyme
(I can, you know, I'm brilliant), but I sense that would be feeding into your
obsession.
There is nothing wrong
with a little amusing poetry in your day. The problem comes when rhyming takes
over, interferes with the functioning of your daily life. When you realize you
are hurting your friends and family, as well as yourself, the laughter quickly
dies.
My recommendation for
you would be to replace your obsession with rhyming with something more
constructive and healthy. For example, every time you feel the urge to rhyme,
you could eat an apple, or read a book, . Or perhaps you could call a friend.
Unless all of your
friends have already abandoned you due to an excess of verse. In that case, I
recommend a lobotomy.
Dear He Said/She Said,
In a moment of weakness,
I promised my son anything he wanted for his birthday. And what he wants is a
visit to Chuck E. Cheese. As I'm sure you're aware, the last Chuck E. Cheese in
Seattle was looted and taken over by squatters back in '14. So now he's calling
me a bad mother, because I can't afford to fly him to the Chuck E. Cheese in the
Republic of Alaska.
At this point, I'm
considering handing him a large rat and a frozen pizza and calling it a day.
Any advice?
Sincerely,
Bad Mommy
Dear Bad Mommy,
The little brat has to
learn sometime that the world sucks. Forget the rat, make him go hunt his own.
Birthdays were only a happy time when we had money/time/rations to spare, but
now that we are in this cold hard world of daily a** kickings, birthdays are
only a time to remember that we are one year closer to being taken off this
cold hard earth. Now maybe some of you people out there think that along would
be a reason to celebrate, myself included, but don't get the little boys hopes
up. Smack him a good one and then send him over to mow my grass. I think there
are people hiding in it. Tell him to watch out for the 37 some Siamese cats I
have running around. They all answer to "Giorgio." And if you think
your a bad mommy just because you cant take your son to a looted, infested,
people filled squatter headquarters, rest assured, of course your a bad mommy.
Editor's note: The
response to this letter was written by a young woman who is currently in
therapy because her mother said she couldn't have birthday party. She is
cynical, and should be drug out to the street and shot. We are currently taking
up a collection to take care of that]
**********************************
CLASSIFIEDS
Abandoned car, blue
Aztek. Hand controls. Minor damage do to gunfire. Broken windows and a bit
dirty. Front in damaged but engine still starts and runs fairly smooth. A few
touch-ups here and there and the car is as good as new.
Wanted. Room for rent.
Must be dark and good for sleeping. Must include cookies and mattress.
Everything else is unnecessary and frivolous. Will do odd jobs in exchange for
room and board. The odder the job the better I like it.
Help Wanted: Laundry
room attendant. Duties include cleaning, maintenance, soap refills, and
guarding machines against illicit use. Must carry own weapon.
FOUND Sixteen cases of
threads, many colors, many textures. If that suit of yours is about to fall
into rags, a nice spool or five will bring new life to it. Bartering for food
and ammo at the South Market. First come, first serve. Special consideration to
Balkan War veterans, widows, and orphans of the Clemson Street Wars. None of
that Blueback BS! Government script only good for toilets. Meet up with Momma
Hopkins for details at 9th Street Corner.
WANTED: player for a
men's wheelchair basketball team. One of our players disappeared suddenly. And
Logan (sorry we don't know your last name), if you're reading this man, me and
the guys hope you're okay.
Wanted: One wife, No
experience necessary, will train.Must meet the following: MUST BE 16 to
25 yrs old, A Great Cook and house keeper, Have a strong back and willing to
work long hours in and around the house, Serving your husband, his cats and his
friends at any time, day or night. Must be in good health, average weight and
height. Must have most of your teeth and a pretty smile!PLEASE NOTE,NO
dopers, drunks, X-biker chicks, Kids, amputees, Hippie girls, liberals or
attitudes!You must be willing to give up ALL YOUR friends and devote
your life 100% to your new husband and have his name and face tattooed on your
behindIf you are the lucky winner you will receive A $20.00 a
week allowance, a nice house to live in, food, clothing, shoes, health and
dental care. Also a new vacuum cleaner, washer, dryer, lawn mower, brooms,
cleaners, firearms and all the pots and pans you will need to take care of your
new KING!!!So ladies if you meet these few requirements and this seems
like the life you have dreamed of please bring a resume and some swim suit
photos of yourself, and meet me in front of Jenn's Liquor & Bikes between
7:00 and 9:00pmI'm also looking for a auto.trans for a Mustang. Your
new King!!!, Don
Dear Door Mat Don
This is DAF again, from
Ceylon
Did I happen to mention
That besides the
transmission
I have a heart that's
waiting to be won?
One lord and master
To help me age faster
I'll cook and I'll clean
Mend socks in between
I'll even supply my own
pastor.
