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STREETS OF SEATTLE

(date withheld), 2019

http://pages.prodigy.net/jennem

To our readers: The stories appearing in today's STREETS OF SEATTLE have been cleared by the U.S. Army under the provisions of the Martial Law Declaration of 2009 and the National Emergency Declaration of 2010.

Editor in Chief: Jennem1

Managing Editor: Samcrazy

Politics Editor: Preciousjax

Chief Financial Officer: Logans_Babe

News Editor: Cherokee128

Opinion Editor: Shnapzie

Senior Reporter: Daf9

Featured Reporter: Weirdarchive

Contributing Reporter: Ninja650

Contributing Reporter: Dammachine

Contributing Reporter: Sportzgirl16

Contributing Reporter: Iluveyesonly

Conspiracy Reporter: Darkknight

Contributing Reporter: DCRacing

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LOCAL NEWS

MYSTERIOUS MEN

By Ninja650

In a strange turn of events, a few days ago a landlord in a local apartment building was killed while what seemed to be thieves ransacked one of the apartments. Police suspect that the loud rummaging through the apartment and the sound of the door getting kicked in is what drew the attention of the landlord, who out of concern for his tenants went to check if everything was all right. It was then where he was caught by the thieves and got his neck broken. Nothing was reported missing from the apartment, however. Maybe the landlord provided enough of a distraction to throw off their plan.

The man was killed in the same fashion as the concierge from that hotel a few weeks ago. Remember that story? The one with the guys who punched through the elevator door, harassed the bellhop, and killed the concierge at the front desk? Police see a link between the two deaths and are trying to trace them back to the three men that were caught on the video surveillance. The crimes were acted out in the same fashion. A kicked in door, no items stolen, and a man with a broken neck. Police were keeping big lookout for these three.

In a bizarre twist to this story, the offices of Washington Meridian Insurance were destroyed just a few days ago. Manager Mr. Petrik discovered this on his way to work early the next day. He came to find windows busted out, three dead people, and the remains of what looked to be some kind of explosion. Two of the men were, oddly enough, part of the three that were on the surveillance camera in the hotel. One died in the explosion, the other by gunshot wounds. The other man was not part of the group and is suspected of being the killer of these men. The third of the original group has yet to be found. Police suspect that that one survived after plunging an axe into the body of their attacker. Police have no clue as to his whereabouts. But the strange thing is, why did they pick the offices of an insurance building to have their battle and how did they get in? The windows were reported as broken from the inside. A window high above was broken in from the outside, but could anyone survive such a fall or be able to get up and fight a battle after it? Well, these guys were said to be able to punch through an elevator door, so who knows?

With the criminal elements nefarious

A landlord's job is precarious

To have your neck broken

For a paycheck that's token

I'd rather MY danger be vicarious

Daf9

SEAGULLS SHARE SPACE NEEDLE WITH SEATTLETONIANS

By Dammachine

It has been brought to this reporter's attention that the space needle is being "abused" by certain rather unpopular scavenger birds. It is reported that the droppings from the seagulls are harming the structural integrity of the once beautiful Seattle landmark. Not to mention creating a hazard for anyone walking below.

Local city politician Jessica Fans states. "If the situation isn't "rectified" then this could be all "butt" the "end" of the tower that has been the highlight of the skyline in our fair city. Seattle is considering all options including piping in loud music consisting of mainly a bass rif, percussion instruments and a synthesizer."

Another possibility is the start up of a new industry involving something about Bonsai Birds. More on Bonsai Birds in upcoming issues.

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INTERNATIONAL NEWS

AMERICAN VIGILANTISM ON THE RISE

By Shnapzie

American vigilantism has reached an all-time high, second only to the months following the Pulse, report scientists at Columbia, one of America's few remaining privately owned universities. Typically associated with homicide, vigilantes perform their deeds with no regard to the legality of their actions. Essentially, they take the law into their own hands.

Vigilantism has always been a problem in the US; however, for the most part this was confined to street gangs and the organized crime circles.

Since the Pulse, though, vigilantism carried out by the layman has shot up. According to Columbia's report, today 37% of unlawful killings are performed independent of a gang or crime unit, as opposed to 31%, the previously held record next to those months subsequent to the Pulse (42%).

The most prominent reasons stated for this increase are "the ease with which murders are able to be performed" and "the recognization of the negligence in investigating unknown homicides." The report did not include specifics pertaining to the laxness of the investigative branch of the legal system.

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CONSPIRACY

Editor's Note: Conspiracy theory is by nature a complicated subject. When dealing in an area rampant with shady dealings, half-truths, and outright lies, discovering the real answers is far from simple. Recently, we assigned a re-opening Moon Landing Hoax story. Theories on the first American moon landing have been surfacing and changing for years..starting not too long after the "landing" itself. The result? Two writers, two completely different theories. Who's right? Who knows?

CONSPIRACY THEORIES: MOON LANDING A HOAX?

SPYDER aka The Dark Knight the Conspiracy Theories Reporter

"One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind." Was this never said on the moon but rather in some secret government hanger in Area 51? It's now over forty-five years since the Apollo 11 landing, described as the greatest achievement of the 20th century that has yet to be matched. But since the collapse of the American government after the pulse it has been discovered that some once classified government documents confirm some of the dreamers on that fateful day in July when we touched on the surface of the moon.

According to these documents, the 2001 Fox program claiming the whole thing was a hoax was actually right. So you are thinking to yourself how can something they taught us at school be totally wrong? (Just like Columbus being the first person to reach American…but that's a whole other story.) Well, the proof is right below and if you can't believe it read it again. Rene and Percy, two of the leading expert supporters of this theory, concluded the following:

*The classic picture of the astronaut and flag has shadows going in different ways.

* NASA is quoted saying "Lunar lander was unsafe and would be impossible to fly even in the safe atmosphere of Earth. "

* The tremendous radiation encountered in the Van Allen Belt, solar radiation, cosmic radiation, temperature control, and many other problems connected with space travel prevent living organisms leaving our atmosphere.

*The moon rocks are all fake and could be made on earth. Also it is said that the same "backdrop" was used for all the Apollo missions.

* The cross hairs on the cameras shouldn't be behind objects as they are in a couple of official NASA photos.

I went back and reread the info and rewatched what's left of the tape and found one common argument used by the anti-Apollo folks is that in photographs of astronauts on the lunar surface, no stars can be seen in the dark sky. Therefore the pictures must have been taken on Earth somewhere.

So what do you guys think? Hoax or legit? Join me next week.

ORIGINAL MOON LANDING: FRAUD

by Cherokee128

For the past 20 years conspiracy theorists have tried and tried again to prove the original moon landing to be fake. All the evidence pointed to a hoax, but there was no proof to back it up. But now in the year 2019, only a week ago, one of the original plotters of the hoax made a deathbed confession. He said that NASA had planned the whole thing, and had built a special set on which to film the entire thing.

The actors were paid for their services, and the families silenced. The whole world believed that we, the United States of America, had succeeded in landing on the moon. NASA officials confirm the whole thing was indeed an elaborate hoax, or was it...? Please submit your own thoughts to the editor for our letters to the editor column.

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SPECIAL REPORT

KNOW YOUR ALERT LEVELS!!!

By Weirdarchive

In accordance with the Martial Law Declaration of 2009 and the National Emergency Declaration of 2010, this newspaper now presents the latest updates of the National Alert Level Code. This Code has been established to better inform civilians of the current military situation within their local area. All newspapers and public facilities are required to make this information available, free of advertising. For updates in another language, please go to the public library, city hall, or post office at their regular business hours. The following translations available are: Spanish, French, German, Arabic, Chinese (Regional dialects vary. Please be specific in your selection), Japanese, Vietnamese, and Cherokee. For other translations, request a faxed or printed copy at your library for a fee of $2.00 (US Gold Coin) or its equal. The fee is strictly for the computer time and paper since it's presently a strategic material.

The present breakdown of National Alert Levels are as follows:

LEVEL ZERO: Peace. All civilian authority is in full command. Military personnel are on standdown. All civil liberties protected under National Declaration except for extreme cases.

LEVEL ONE: Possible disturbance coming within a week or more. All civilian authority remains in control, but key persons must be in contact with military high command for updates of current situation. Military personnel are at low security alert, checking all unauthorized personnel on suspicion basis. All civil liberties protected, but some discretionary powers involving curfews and public assembly is authorized. Voluntary evacuations to safe areas are permitted and encouraged within edits of the military command. Essential personnel, such as doctors and civil engineers, are to remain in contact with military and civil authorities on possible changes to the political situation.

LEVEL TWO: Possible disturbance coming within a week or less. All civilian authority must now answer to military command on possible martial law procedures and maintaining order. Military personnel are at medium security alert, restricted to base with minimum contact to civilian population and all unauthorized personnel are to be searched without exception. Civil liberties involving public assembly, protests, and freedom of speech are closely monitored and supervised. All known subversives and foreign nationals (whether friendly, neutral, or hostile to the United States) must be registered to military command for possible evacuation and/or incarceration. Civil evacuations are permitted, but in an orderly fashion. All non-essential civil personnel are urged to withdraw to safer zones. All essential personnel's movements are restricted to Alert Area Limits assigned by military command. Stockpiling of essential matériel by civilians is allowable within accordance to military law. Stockpiling of essential matériel by civil and military authorities is mandatory.

LEVEL THREE: Disturbance imminent within 24 to 72 hours. All civil authority must surrender control to military command and remain to assist in possible evacuation of civilians from area. Military personnel are at high alert, no unauthorized personnel permitted on base under penalty of incarceration or death. Civil liberties are suspended until further notice. Curfew in effect. All known subversives and foreign nationals hostile to the United States will be detained by military personnel in an orderly fashion. All neutral and friendly nationals will be evacuated to safer areas. All non-essential civilians (including children under age 15, the elderly, and the injured) are to be evacuated from area within time limits. All essential personnel are restricted to their homes and assigned areas. Stockpiling of essential matériel by civilians now prohibited under penalty of incarceration. Stockpiling and seizing of essential matériel by civil and military authorities is mandatory. All National Guard Units are activated. All civil police units are permitted to use excessive force to maintain order. All citizen militias are restricted to their spheres of influence unless directed by military command. Civil disorder is to be quelled!

LEVEL FOUR: Disturbance imminent within 24 hours or less. All civil authority is now under direct military control. Military personnel are at highest alert status, all unauthorized personnel are to be shot on sight for possible sabotage. Civil liberties are suspended until further notice. 24-hour curfew in effect for all non-essential personnel not yet evacuated from area. All known subversives and foreign nationals hostile to the United States are to be incarcerated by military personnel and shot if they resist. All friendly and neutral nationals are to be detained to secure grounds along with any remaining civilians for their own safety. All travel to and from area is restricted to military convoy and last minute evacuation. All matériel necessary to survive crisis will be seized by military personnel without question, compensation to be rendered upon restoration of civil authority. All able-bodied men and women ages 18-50 are conscripted to civilian militias under the command of the military to protect vital areas in order to free up all military personnel to the front. All citizen militias and police forces are now under military command.

LEVEL FIVE: Conflict! Military is in full command. Martial law is in effect. All bases are sealed from civilians and all unauthorized personnel are to be shot on sight! Civil liberties are suspended and any acts against the military in its duty to maintain order will be answered to with deadly force. All known subversives and foreign nationals hostile to the United States are to placed in high security areas and executed at the first sign of disobedience. All friendly and neutral nationals, as well as any remaining civilians (including children, the elderly, and the injured) are to be place in secure underground areas and made as comfortable as possible for the duration. All travel to and from area is for military use ONLY! All essential personnel are to answer to military high command until further notice. All civilians bearing arms not under military command will be assumed as hostile and fired upon. All essential matériel and strategic areas to be protected at all costs. Restoration of civil authority will not be allowed until crisis is resolved and a full assessment of damage and casualties is made.

Any variations of the Code are permitted only by the head of your state's Military Command Commission. No unauthorized personnel are permitted to make changes without written permission. If you have any questions concerning the Code, ask your nearest Military Command Citizen Advisor. Written questions will be answered within twenty-four hours. All spoken questions will be answered within twelve hours or less. If your spoken question cannot be answered within that time frame, a written answer will be express mailed to your location at the earliest possible convenience. Always obey your Military Command in times of crisis and together we can restore America to its former glory.

GOD BLESS AMERICA!

Your Military Command Citizen Advisory Board

Any reprinting and distribution of this notice is permitted under the Martial Law Declaration of 2009 and the National Emergency Declaration of 2010 for the safety and well-being of the public.

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MEDICINE

LOCAL DOCTOR LAUGHED OFF STAGE AT AMA

By Daf9

Streets of Seattle learned today that our own local doctor Sam Carr suffered the almost unheard-of humiliation of having his keynote presentation at the AMA meeting in Chicago interrupted by hysterical laughter. Dr. Carr of Seattle's Metro Medical Hospital, was in the midst of his presentation titled "Reappearance of pluripotents (embryonic stem cells) in an adult male leading to a cure of trauma-induced paralysis" when the audience burst into laughter.

Citing the impossibility of such an occurrence as the reason for their response 439 doctors rose en masse from their seats in the lecture hall and retired to the hotel bar. Dr. Carr ran after them trying to make them look at the documentation supporting his claim but he was universally ignored. Dr. Carr's only comment to this reporter was to shake his head sadly and shrug.

"Bip, bip, bip" chuckled Dr. Kevin Winters, president of the AMA while downing his fifth scotch and soda. This reporter later learned that "bip, bip, bip" was a direct quote from pre-pulse actor and current ambassador to India, Mr. J.C. Mackenzie. The relevance of the quote to the situation was not at all clear.

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EDITORIAL

LIFE IN THE SLUMS

By Samcrazy

In a follow up to this reporters article on the contrast between the rich and the poor, we now to focus on the people who struggle on in the worst of conditions.

For an insiders view we talked to Mr. Phil, one of the interviewees. He agreed to let us follow him around for a day, to record what it is like to have to depend on a corrupt government for food and shelter. Mr. Phil insisted that we only record his activities during the day, why not the nights as well he did not tell us.

5:10am Early wakeup in a cold, rundown building with one drafty window. Mr. Phil proceeds to hide away all his blankets and clothes, for the simple reason of theft he tells us: "Yeah, loads of people around here would like to take my stuff. They'd creep in during the night sometimes and just take the blanket from off me."

5:30am Mr. Phil shows us briefly around his neighborhood, the various huddled shacks and buildings with groups of children playing in the streets. He seems to be quite popular with the families around here. At this point he takes us over to where a long queue is forming, and he tells us that this is where he gets his breakfast everyday. We prepare for a long wait.

6:50am After an hour and fifty minutes waiting, Mr. Phil receives his small portion of rations. He seems to be quite happy at this, and slowly eats the sloppy mixture of porridge and milk. In between mouthfuls he informs us of what the standard morning menu is like:

"Well, its porridge every morning sometimes with sugar if we're lucky, and umm, once I had French toast, it was a bit moldy but I really liked it."

7:05 Mr. Phil now takes this time to look around the ports for anything he can salvage. He finds a broken switchboard from a computer in one trash site, and a few yards of wire in another. At this point we observe that he protectively hides all he finds in his coat, and after a few minutes, he tells us to return in three hours to his 'house'.

A strange turn of his personality, but his behavior mimics a beast that has found a few scraps of meat in the wilderness. Like any hunger thing, he does not want any other animal to take his finding away.

10:00am We enter to find Mr. Phil asleep on the floor with a few electronic gadgets next to him. As we approach he wakes up and apologizes. He draws us away from his collection of circuit boards and out into Seattle's streets. He shows us where he usually 'hangs out', which is not too far from our newspapers offices. He informs us that if he can, he looks around for an up-to-date newspaper, for he is a big fan.

"I really like those limericks, and, that thing, about how to survive post-pulse, you know, those tips. Mr. Ninja's articles are really good too. And, did you know, that after reading the paper, it makes really good toilet paper."

11:20am Mr. Phil spends a little time alone in his home fiddling with a few computer components, and quickly puts them away as a few men come to the door, demanding blankets. Mr. Phil displays much courage as he refuses to share his collection of rugs and other items to the thugs. At this point we back off, as one of the men approaches Mr. Phil with a spanner. In a marvelous display of strength, he kicks the attacker in the leg, and they run off. Before we can question further, he tells us that it is time to line up for lunch.

12:00pm As we line up earlier then required, Mr. Phil receives his rations sooner. We again sit and eat, and Mr. Phil tells us of the menu for lunch.

"We get a drink of a watery coffee mixture, and another bowl of porridge with a couple of pieces of fruit. We sometimes get other stuff, but I can't remember right now."

12:30pm For the rest of the afternoon we send the day watching Mr. Phil as he sorts through small mementos, most of them pictures and letters. He folds his clothes carefully and reads through an edition of the 'Streets of Seattle'. After five minutes he excuses himself, informing us that he must relieve himself. He strictly tells us not the search through his 'stuff'.

3:40pm The weather changes rapidly in the early afternoon, causing rain and wind. Mr. Phil pulls a thin material over the window and shuts the rickety door, and sits huddled in the corner. He eats some left over rations from lunch, and tells us more about his daily routine.

"I don't do much on Tuesdays. Yeah, on reflection Tuesdays aren't that good. We get blankets on Wednesdays and Fridays are good too, they have a new trash dump down by the docks. That is the highlight of the day, finding good stuff amongst other things. You know what I found last week? A piece of slightly gnawed and grubby soap. Cool, eh?"

3:55pm Mr. Phil starts to repair his door, an everyday routine he tells us. Using salvaged metals he hammers a new nail into the frame and another panel of metal to reinforce the door. He quickly finishes this task, and hurries out the door as a hover drone passes. We see him examining it with interest as it passes. When we inquired as to why, he refuses to answer and informs us that he must go down to the market.

4:10pm He sets up a stall next to others selling food, knick-knacks and other things uncommon to post-pulse Seattle. Mr. Phil removes a complex piece of electronics, and asks if we would excuse him while he is at the market.

5:00pm Back at Mr. Phil's lodgings, we ask if he was successful in selling his electronic goods. He tells us little about the trades he made, but proudly shows us what he bought.

"I found a good pair of shoes, and this is part of an old transistor radio. I bought it with the money I got from the stuff I sold."

We notice that he places a small roll of what looks like camera film next to the shoes, but we do not inquire further into his activities. We thank Mr. Phil for his time given to us, and conclude the interview.

After this day we discovered what a mundane life people live when modern day conveniences are taken away. Though we have only studied one person amongst many, from Mr. Phil's activities we see that apart from the time we spent rummaging through the trash life is very routine.

We thank Mr. Phil for the time we spent with him, and this reporter believes that we can learn a lot from him, for instance not to take anything for granted.

TELEMARKETERS FROM HELL

An Editorial By Rogelio Riquelme (ghostwritten by Preciousjax)

I was sitting at the table last night, eating dinner with my family. My son, Rogelio Jr., was crying his little eyes out because we didn't have much food to eat. So, my wife was comforting him when I received a phone call. It was one of those lovely telemarketers that always seem to call you when you are just sitting down to eat, whether you're eating a nice porterhouse steak or Kraft Easy Mac, as was the case last night.

Now, normally, I just hang up and don't even bother to listen to these crack cases we call workers. I'll tell you why. I bust my little behind working for this newspaper, and you know what, I really deserve a raise so we can stop eating that Kraft Easy Mac. I don't have the time or the energy to be talking to people trying to sell me 'death and dismemberment' insurance in their nice air conditioned office, sitting on their candy a**es, while I bust my a** at this newspaper, As was the case last night. So the female on the phone asks me if I ever worried what might happen to me or my dependents if I were left unable to work do to a disfiguring accident. Doesn't she know where I work? You have to have some sort of disability, whether it be mental or other, to work here. So I should just be like [click] and hang up on this chick, but she begged me not to.

So this woman, who later identified herself as one 'Original Cindy' (what the hell kind of name is that anyway?), goes off on this tirade, saying that she's got me covered like foundation on a drag queen if I am to lose an arm or a leg. She says to me that Washington Meridian Insurance will 'drop twenty large on whatever is left of my a**.' So now I am really worried. What happens if a meteor is to drop through the building and hit me when I am working my menial job? What are my wife and kid supposed to do when I am stone cold dead? 'Original Cindy' proceeds to say just about the same thing to me. 'No Daddy, No Dolla Dolla.' She tells me to step to her, and she'll help me plan little Rogelio's future. No sooner am I convinced that my life will end and my children will rot in hell while getting poked with sharp pointy sticks if I don't get this 'death and dismemberment' insurance that she hangs up on me. Dude! What the hell! She wastes five minutes of my time, scaring the bloody hell out of me, only to hang up on me.

This is just another example on how the world has been shot to hell in the post pulse era. It used to be the telemarketers wouldn't leave us alone until we bought Sears Vinyl Siding, Chemical Lawn Treatment & subscriptions to 'Streets of Seattle' for the low price of eight dollars an issue, but now they talk us into buying their product, and HANG UP BEFORE WE CAN BUY IT!!!!!

Editor's Note: Rogelio would have finished this article, but he became very enraged at Washington Meridian insurance and walked into their office building and opened fire on there telemarketers. Luckily, he was so distressed, he grabbed the cap gun instead of the real gun. He is awaiting trial, but is expected to be released into a psychiatric care center within the week.

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LETTERS TO THE EDITOR

Dear Editors:

I have recently been attacked in a series of biting editorials by convicted serial rapist/arsonist/serial killer/lacenist/necropheliac JD Arnold, who is currently serving time in a mental institution. Now, we must remember that anything and everything written by Ms. Arnold is purely fictional. We have to take into fact that this is the woman who thought the United States becoming a nudist country was a right good idea. We must get rid of this woman's infatuation with me, or I feel I will go the way of the late Brittany Mauriss, who got in Ms. Arnold's way at a Dark Angel Autograph signing.

I remain respectfully yours:

Karen Murray

Editor's note: Reliable sources indicate that Ms Arnold and Ms Murray are actually long-term roommates at the insane asylum. Both are a few boxcars short of a caboose if you get my drift.

Dear Editor,

What is this younger generation coming to? The other day Jill and I were working down at the Pink Panther beauty salon and sushi bar when this young woman came in for a treatment. Very attractive except for the .... well, not to put too fine a point on it but she had an excess of facial hair. Looked almost like whiskers. Anyway Jill was just warming up the electrolysis equipment when she jokingly said to me "This young lady must have cat DNA". Just a joke mind you; said in good humor. Well, you wouldn't believe it! The young lady leapt from her chair, upsetting the electrolysis cart and almost injuring Jill, and ran from the salon. Right through the window! You'd think she'd never heard of doors? And now the insurance is refusing to pay for the replacement glass. Seems there's been a lot of young people leaping through windows lately so the company will no longer cover it.

peeved and penniless cosmetician

Dear Editor,

I'm responding to an article done by your reporter, Weirdarchives. So the Britney Spears that I....that was killed isn't the real Britney? And you say that she's the head of the Nation of Islam or something? Okay, thank you!

Anonymous

Dear Editor,

I was one of the most unfortunate people to be conned into DTM's dentistry. And all I have to say is: all I want for Christmas is my two front teeth!!! I sorted through the remaining teeth to find my two front teeth, and they were gone!!! Some one out there has my teeth and I want them back. Please help me find them.

Toothless in Seattle

Dear Editor,

In response to last weeks article about the teeth, would you please forward this to the gentleman in question.

Dear DTM,

It's me, DAF, again

I've decided to bequeath

To you, all of my teeth

When I'm dead - you can't have them 'till then.

Dear Editor,

Because I am such a marvelous writer, I sent my application into your paper so that you would be graced with my talent. But I recently was told that the head honcho is a slave driver, (literally) and she even has a whip! (I saw the whip myself!!) And I must say that this is very disturbing. I am withdrawing my application. (Because you ppl scare me!) Please contact me when you get a new head honcho so that I may apply again...

Disturbed Applicant

Dear Editors

I have just finished reading your article written by Daf9 entitled 'Missing Cat Burglar Baffle Police'. Who says that this mysterious cat burglar is man? It could be some female that leads an every day life by day, and by night the great cat burglar that we know SHE is. Girls kick a**, it says so on the tee shirt. And as far as the odd things that were stolen, maybe I...that is the cat burglar has a joy for cherry flavored bubble gum, and is going to sell the back issues of magazines on Antique Road Show. And, by the way, who names anything but a horse Missy? No wonder the child was devastated! It wasn't because I...I mean the cat burglar borrowed her magazines, it's because her parents gave her that ridiculous name and it was printed in the newspaper for everyone to read. And as far as greener pastures go, of course I have, I eat pasta tricolore every night, so ha.

Sincerely, Ma....that is....The Cat Burglar.... I mean....A Reader

Dear Editors:

I just wanted to thank you from the bottom of my heart for all you have done to change my life. Last week, I was read your add on the 'How to Pass As A Canadian' and it was an offer I just couldn't pass up. I learned so much from this course, don't ya know, and now my favorite color is white, which I see when I am 'out and about' in Winnipeg. The first thing I did was go out and by one of those hats with the floppy ears. My life has been so much better now that I am living in Canada, eh, and its all thanks to you.

Thank You, Cold In Canada

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SPORTS

KIDS AND SPORTS IN POST-PULSE SEATTLE

Cherokee128

Do you remember back to when you were a kid who played sports in a summer league?? You got together with all your best friends, and signed up for a once a week game against a rival team? I sure do. Well now a day, kids have a new sort of league, an all year league. After the riots that burned down all the schools, the kids who were still interested in staying out of trouble, and keeping the peace, at least among the younger generation, set up a secret sports league. Recently one of the founders came to the newspaper, asking if we would do a story on it.

There are three sports in the Kids Sports League (KSL), football, basketball, and field hockey. There are quite a few changes in the games, due to number, and size restraints.

FOOTBALL- You remember when we watched NFL or college football on TV? Well our new football is a little different. Instead of 11 players on the field per team, due to limited players there are only 7 per team. 100 yards to an end zone? Not anymore, only 75 due to space confinements. No different offense, defense and special teams, only one team made up of about 10 players with some subs. What do this do the quality of the play? Not much, the kids who play in this league take it very seriously. They all play 3 positions or more, which requires a higher skill level. The rules are mostly the same for this game.

BASKETBALL- There were almost no number changes in basketball, but there were MANY rule changes. Before b-ball was almost a non-contact sport. Not anymore! It is what many of us referred to as "Ghetto Ball" back when we played. Physical contact is at it's highest, there are almost no rules, and everybody has a great time! The points are a bit different, what would have been a 2 pointer is now worth a point, and a 3 pointer is worth 2. This is so it is easier to keep score.

FIELD HOCKEY- Considered a mostly girl sport in our time it has now become 2 separate leagues in the KSL, the Boys and the Girls. Player numbers have changed, once again due to lack of numbers needed to create enough teams. It is 7 on 7. There are no stick obstructions, no obstructions, no high sticking, and no high balls but you STILL can't use your feet. Everyone can play every position, so there is LOTS of switching up during the game. This has made it more challenging for all the players, and makes it much faster paced.

You may wonder where all the equipment came from, well all the kids went around to the storage lockers belonging to the schools, and salvaged most of the equipment, because they were separate from the schools, the fires didn't reach them. Also some kids had their parent's equipment. No items were stolen.

The kids of Seattle play ball

Though the city is under a pall

But that's nothing new

What else can kids do?

When the adults do nothing at all.

DAF9

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NEIGHBORHOOD

GOSSIP

I was informed over my back yard fence, by a very reliable source, that the black hummers that are invading our streets 24/7 are minions of the editor of our very own Streets of Seattle. This source applied for a job here, but upon... hearing certain things from an unknown reporter, was scared to death and now has taken her application back. Now, I work for the Streets, and I have to say one thing: RUN! while you still can! she is trying to take over the world!!!!!!!!

And on a lighter note, the crime rate has dropped 1%. According to my great aunt's friend, it is because this mysterious cat burglar has settled down and has found a job and a man to occupy her time... if you know what I mean... Logans_Babe

I was told by my cousin's friend, who heard from a messenger girl, who talked to a bum on the street who said that the president was thinking about selling the Space Needle. Now, I don't know about you or not, but I say that is bull. Now, I have a cousin in Washington who says she is the president's.... secretary, and she can subtly get the president to not sell it. Hopefully she can talk him out of it... (or threaten him...hehehe)....but I still think we should start a petition and send it there right away. To sign the petition, please contact SOS. Logans_Babe

My great uncle's second wife's third husband's oldest daughter's former husband's second cousin's sister's husband's mother heard from her next door neighbor who got it straight from the guy who drive's the local 46A bus's nephew's employer that they are cloning children out in Wyoming. What are the odds on THAT being true? Daf9

EVENTS

by Sportzgirl16

Next Saturday at the local abandoned warehouse there will be a carnival put on for the kids. This event will last from sunup to sundown. The person I talked to (who wouldn't give me his name) said, "There will be activities from sports events to silly clowns running around juggling."

This sounds like a carnival that I went to once when I was a child before the pulse. They will be stations set up where you can buy food and toys for your kids. The event is free, with the suggestion of a $15.00 donation. This donation will go to the rebuilding of certain areas in the Seattle area.

For a small donation

You can have the elation

Of Cotton candy and sno cones

Firing air rifles at a hoverdrone

All provided by the Cale foundation

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FEATURES

Editor's Note: Our Poetry Edition was a bigger hit than we thought, and we've been flooded with submissions from our readers. While most were…not good….some were worthy of a few column inches. Therefore, we've added a Poetry section to the Features department of the paper. Further submissions are welcome (we can always use them as scrap paper).

SUNLIGHT FROM SHADOWS

By Cherokee128

I walked through the dark like a shadow, never to be seen.

You could sense when I was near you, but you wouldn't find me.

My life was a haze of memories all drifting, trying to break free.

I held them down deep within myself, the only way to stay sane.

Than one day the sun came out and for the first time I saw the light.

The light consumed me, took me over, and I relented.

I had never felt anything like this before.

Even now I can still remember the day the sun burst through the clouds, and swept me up to the sky.

Now, I am going to see my sun, my light, the only one who brightens my day.

How can it be that all this is in one man?

ODDITIES

By Logans_Babe

Times are hard on us city folk. Jobs are scarce (except at SOS, we have lots of jobs, we pay good!! apply, it doesn't matter what is in the gossip column about jennem, the big head honcho!!) money is limited. It is no wonder we resort to petty means to amuse ourselves.

I just happened to be walking down the street everyone terms "condo street" (due to all the card board condos). Anyway, I stumbled into a "community" bonfire: the perpetual warming of the hands and occasional butt. And I discovered an odd event in action. Two people were throwing different objects into the fire, then exclaiming about the pretty colors that the object made. I, of course, had to join in. (What kinda of reporter would I be if I didn't at least try the events before I termed them odd?) It was, for such an odd event, very entertaining. We, that is they, discovered many colors and are trying to find more.

I walked even farther down the street and came across a wrestling match. A toe wrestling match. Very interesting to watch. Not much fun for women to partake in though. It consists of two people greasing their feet with what the local condo owners call shimmy grease. Then they lay on their backs, with someone holding onto their arms, and intermingle their toes. Then they try to push the other participant's toes backward until they say mommy. As I said before, it is great for men, but not so much fun for women.

If you find some interesting or odd things about our city, please contact SOS. And remember we have plenty of job openings!!

Why would anyone play with their toes?

I doubt even Logans_Babe knows

And this shimmy grease..

I ask you please

Do you really want to know how this goes?

DAF9

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ADVICE

Dear He Said/She Said,

I am a 31 yr old accountant for an old family trust. Recently my fiancée of 4 years and I discovered that we had the same biological mother. The wedding invitations have already been sent out and the bridesmaids' dresses are on order. What should we do?

In vitro baby

Dear In Vitro Baby

Move to a small town in the country where everyone already has the same last name. The both of you will be a breath of fresh air in a new community.:)

Dear He Said/She Said,

Last week while rummaging in an old junk yard my husband found an abandoned pre-Pulse Aztek that had already been modified with hand controls. As our son is in a wheelchair due to a degenerative muscular condition my husband feels that restoring this car would make a perfect birthday gift for him. Unfortunately in addition to having had its tires removed and its windows shattered the car appears to have been set on fire and possibly subjected to an explosive device. How do we start to repair it? Or should we just remove the hand controls and reinstall them in another vehicle?

Fond Mother

Dear Fond Mother:

Ray: Tom and I laughed ourselves silly over your letter. The pre-Pulse Aztek was a pile of excrement. And blowing it up probably improved its aesthetic qualities immeasurably. Your son would get more driving pleasure from a child's pedal car. Take the hand controls and install them in something else; anything else.

Tom: For once, I agree with my brother. That was one butt-ugly car. Giving your son an Aztec would make him think you hate him and drive him into therapy for years.

Dear Dr. Laura

DAF9 may be going insane

From the rhymes leaching out of her brain

Dr. Laura won't you please help

You impudent whelp

What do you mean? Just Abstain!

Dear W555,

I'd answer you in rhyme (I can, you know, I'm brilliant), but I sense that would be feeding into your obsession.

There is nothing wrong with a little amusing poetry in your day. The problem comes when rhyming takes over, interferes with the functioning of your daily life. When you realize you are hurting your friends and family, as well as yourself, the laughter quickly dies.

My recommendation for you would be to replace your obsession with rhyming with something more constructive and healthy. For example, every time you feel the urge to rhyme, you could eat an apple, or read a book, . Or perhaps you could call a friend.

Unless all of your friends have already abandoned you due to an excess of verse. In that case, I recommend a lobotomy.

Dear He Said/She Said,

In a moment of weakness, I promised my son anything he wanted for his birthday. And what he wants is a visit to Chuck E. Cheese. As I'm sure you're aware, the last Chuck E. Cheese in Seattle was looted and taken over by squatters back in '14. So now he's calling me a bad mother, because I can't afford to fly him to the Chuck E. Cheese in the Republic of Alaska.

At this point, I'm considering handing him a large rat and a frozen pizza and calling it a day. Any advice?

Sincerely,

Bad Mommy

Dear Bad Mommy,

The little brat has to learn sometime that the world sucks. Forget the rat, make him go hunt his own. Birthdays were only a happy time when we had money/time/rations to spare, but now that we are in this cold hard world of daily a** kickings, birthdays are only a time to remember that we are one year closer to being taken off this cold hard earth. Now maybe some of you people out there think that along would be a reason to celebrate, myself included, but don't get the little boys hopes up. Smack him a good one and then send him over to mow my grass. I think there are people hiding in it. Tell him to watch out for the 37 some Siamese cats I have running around. They all answer to "Giorgio." And if you think your a bad mommy just because you cant take your son to a looted, infested, people filled squatter headquarters, rest assured, of course your a bad mommy.

Editor's note: The response to this letter was written by a young woman who is currently in therapy because her mother said she couldn't have birthday party. She is cynical, and should be drug out to the street and shot. We are currently taking up a collection to take care of that]

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CLASSIFIEDS

Abandoned car, blue Aztek. Hand controls. Minor damage do to gunfire. Broken windows and a bit dirty. Front in damaged but engine still starts and runs fairly smooth. A few touch-ups here and there and the car is as good as new.

Wanted. Room for rent. Must be dark and good for sleeping. Must include cookies and mattress. Everything else is unnecessary and frivolous. Will do odd jobs in exchange for room and board. The odder the job the better I like it.

Help Wanted: Laundry room attendant. Duties include cleaning, maintenance, soap refills, and guarding machines against illicit use. Must carry own weapon.

FOUND Sixteen cases of threads, many colors, many textures. If that suit of yours is about to fall into rags, a nice spool or five will bring new life to it. Bartering for food and ammo at the South Market. First come, first serve. Special consideration to Balkan War veterans, widows, and orphans of the Clemson Street Wars. None of that Blueback BS! Government script only good for toilets. Meet up with Momma Hopkins for details at 9th Street Corner.

WANTED: player for a men's wheelchair basketball team. One of our players disappeared suddenly. And Logan (sorry we don't know your last name), if you're reading this man, me and the guys hope you're okay.

Wanted: One wife, No experience necessary, will train.Must meet the following: MUST BE 16 to 25 yrs old, A Great Cook and house keeper, Have a strong back and willing to work long hours in and around the house, Serving your husband, his cats and his friends at any time, day or night. Must be in good health, average weight and height. Must have most of your teeth and a pretty smile!PLEASE NOTE,NO dopers, drunks, X-biker chicks, Kids, amputees, Hippie girls, liberals or attitudes!You must be willing to give up ALL YOUR friends and devote your life 100% to your new husband and have his name and face tattooed on your behindIf you are the lucky winner you will receive A $20.00 a week allowance, a nice house to live in, food, clothing, shoes, health and dental care. Also a new vacuum cleaner, washer, dryer, lawn mower, brooms, cleaners, firearms and all the pots and pans you will need to take care of your new KING!!!So ladies if you meet these few requirements and this seems like the life you have dreamed of please bring a resume and some swim suit photos of yourself, and meet me in front of Jenn's Liquor & Bikes between 7:00 and 9:00pmI'm also looking for a auto.trans for a Mustang. Your new King!!!, Don

Dear Door Mat Don

This is DAF again, from Ceylon

Did I happen to mention

That besides the transmission

I have a heart that's waiting to be won?

One lord and master

To help me age faster

I'll cook and I'll clean

Mend socks in between

I'll even supply my own pastor.