STREETS OF SEATTLE
(date withheld), 2019
http://pages.prodigy.net/jennem
To our readers: The stories appearing in today's STREETS OF
SEATTLE have been cleared by the U.S. Army under the provisions of the Martial Law
Declaration of 2009 and the National Emergency Declaration of 2010.
Editor in Chief: Jennem1
Senior Editor: Daf9
Managing Editor: Samcrazy
Chief Reporter: Weirdarchive
Entertainment Editor: Jox5
Opinion Editor: Shnapzie
Contributing Reporter: Ninja650
Contributing Reporter: 727Angel
Contributing Reporter: Darkangelbby
Contributing Reporter: Cherokee128
Contributing Reporter: Ewachsmuth
Contributing Reporter: Sportzgirl16
Contributing Reporter: Preciousjax
******************************************
LOCAL NEWS
ASSASSINATION ATTEMPT FAILED
By Ninja650
About a month ago, here
in Seattle, there was a controversy over the supposed death of former pop star
Britney Spears. It turns out that,
according to a letter our paper received from the secretary to the Office of
the Exalted Reverend, Nathan Onyx, the woman killed was not, in fact, Ms.
Spears, who is presently in the Republic of Alaska heading the Nation of Islam
Reformed and preaching the word of Allah by the name of Samantha Adjia. Apparently, the poor woman that was killed
was only an impersonator who longed to live the life that the young Britney
once lived. It's a shame that her dream of being such an image would be the end
of her. The real name of this woman is still unknown.
The killer of this woman
was also unknown. Seattle police spent the better parts of the month trying to
track down the killer until they found out that it was not Ms. Spears that was
killed. But the story was brought back
to life when the Seattle Police Department got a call from William Hodges, the
Governor of the Republic of Alaska, saying that he might have the killer. The man Hodges spoke of was captured when
trying to assassinate Samantha Adjia while she was giving a public speech about
the wonders of Allah. The man stood in
the crowd and idiotically begin to attach the silencer to his gun in plain
sight. Before he was able to take good
aim, he was rushed by the Exalted Reverend's security.
It was agreed that the
man would stay in the Republic of Alaska and receive his punishment, since it
was not certain that he had committed the murder here in Seattle. The Governor would take care of his sentence
and the situation. We don't know at
this time what that sentence is or what it will be, but we do know that he is
being held in a cell at this moment and refuses to give his name. It was also
said that The Nation of Islam Reformed is being more careful with when and
where they let the Exalted Reverend give her speeches.
WHAT IS AN X5? QUESTIONS CONCERNING
THE EYES ONLY BROADCAST
By: 727angel
Everybody knows the
do-gooder Eyes Only. We have all seen him on TV, usually broadcasting about
some evil guy doing something wrong. But the latest broadcast was about some
mysterious things/people called X-5's.
Everyone is guessing
what it/they are. Some say it is probably a machine because it has barcode.
Others speculate they are some kind of gang that have barcode tattoos. We doubt
the machine theory because how could a machine see the television and hear what
Eyes Only was saying? And we have a strong feeling it is not gang members,
because why would Eyes Only (who is all about doing good stuff for the world)
want to notify people in a gang?
We have no idea what
it/they are, and are trying to figure it out but have found it impossible. The one
thing we do know is Eyes Only has some connection with it/them, and he is for
some reason sticking up for them.
What is an X-5
Is it inanimate or
alive?
Does it breathe? Does it
eat?
Is it wild or discrete?
Equipped with an
internal or external drive?
DAF9
******************************************
MEDICINE
WHAT'S THE GOING RATE FOR A KIDNEY?
By Daf9
Well, it had to happen
eventually. With the demand for organ transplants at an all-time high and donations
remaining stagnant for the past 30 years, desperate patients have had to come
up with creative ideas to obtain the organ they need. After the unfortunate
real life reenactment of that old urban myth several years ago, in which an
unsuspecting Seattle tourist awoke after a wild party to discover his kidney
had been removed, residents of this city have become more reluctant than ever
to carry a signed organ donor card.
For a time the homeless
of Seattle were being coerced into donating organs in exchange for food and
shelter but the generally poor health
of these people made their organs less than ideal for transplant. So how to
persuade the relatively well-to-do to part with a body part? There was some
interest in exchanging promises of organ donation for health or medical
insurance but unfortunately the majority of employees interested in the health
insurance program had chronic illnesses or lifestyles that made them unsuitable as donors of the most highly sought-after
organs. And as far as life insurance goes, life is too short to worry about
what's gonna happen after you're gone.
The solution: several of
the city's larger employers have been offering improved office conditions as an
incentive for organ donation. The going rate seems to be agreement to a post
mortem kidney, liver or heart donation in exchange for a mahogany desk and
genuine leather chair. As a living
organ donor of a kidney or liver lobe you will win a corner office with its own
wet bar (stocked only with fruit juices of course to keep that kidney or liver
in good shape). Unfortunately for those of us here at Streets of Seattle, our
body parts were pickled from too much alcohol consumption years ago. All we're
good for is cornea donations ... and all they're worth is a pencil sharpener or
a waste paper basket.
Office
organ donations
Are
creating quite a sensation
When
your boss wants your head
Make
him double-check that you're dead
Before
issuing funeral invitations
DAF9
SALMONELLA OUTBREAK IN SEATTLE
By Daf9
Doctors at Metro Medical
announced today that cases of Salmonella poisoning in Seattle have risen
dramatically in the past week. Following an intensive investigation by the
Centers for Disease Control, it was discovered that the outbreak could be
traced to a batch of chicken delivered last week to the farmers' market.
The investigation was
initially hampered by the difficulty in obtaining an infected chicken. Since
inexpensive chickens, or any chickens at all, have been so rare lately, this
particular batch sold out very quickly and the purchasers whom the CDC managed
to contact were reluctant to part with their chickens for testing. In addition
it appeared that at least half a dozen chicken had "disappeared",
likely the victims of theft.
The very old and the
very young along with persons with compromised immune systems are particularly
susceptible to Salmonella. Symptoms of Salmonella poisoning include abdominal
cramps, vomiting, diarrhea, and nausea. If you or any one in your family
develops these symptoms and has consumed a chicken obtained from the farmers'
market, please contact your family physician immediately. And once again
remember, NO raw eggs or chicken, EVER.
Also
remember TANSTAAFL (There ain't no such thing as a free lunch).
******************************************
BUSINESS
IS PASSING AS A CANADIAN TOO TOUGH
FOR MERE AMERICANS?
By Daf9
As reported two weeks
ago in Streets of Seattle, the University of Washington Free School has been
offering a course in how to pass as a
Canadian. Upon graduation, successful candidates are presented with an
almost-legal Canadian passport and a bus ticket to Saskatoon. Why not Vancouver
you ask, since it's so close? Turns out the weather in Saskatoon is so nasty
that neither Canadian nor US Federal agents will go there to look for illegal
immigrants.
Anyway, your intrepid
reporter DAF9 decided to sit in on this week's class. Arriving at class I
almost left immediately upon seeing the topic of tonight's lesson on the chalk
board "How to eat a tiny Tim". OMG, nobody warned me Canadians were
cannibals Nobody I talked to could tell me who this Tim Horton was; but
everyone assured me that he was a famous Canadian and that he had scored more
"goals" than Dunkin of Dunkin Donuts.
The second hour of the
class was devoted to how to order tea and what to expect. Turns out most
Canadians don't believe in iced tea. Well, I suppose when you live where its
winter 50 weeks of the year that makes sense. Tea means hot tea. And none of
this herbal, spicy, decaffeinated stuff either. Its all something called
"Red Rose" or "Liptons". When you order it, you spend
minutes looking for the tea bag. Surprise! they put it in the POT with the
water, rather than leaving it on your saucer for you to do the honors. What a
concept! And nobody drinks tea black - its either with sugar or with milk and
sugar. I can see this passing for a Canadian is going to be a lot tougher than
I thought.
Next week we learn to
look at scrambled eggs covered in ketchup without horking. Our homework this
week is to memorize the colors of all the Canadian bills from $5 to $500. Why
couldn't they have used Monopoly colors, that's what THIS reporter wants to
know.
An interview with Mr. AJ Knight, CEO of Miklo Tire Co., the number
one supplier of bicycle tires in Seattle.
by Shnapzie
"First of all, I
would like to say that these rumors of our tires spontaneously combusting are
completely unfounded.
"We use the highest
quality synthetic rubber for our tires, produced in the highest quality
sweatshops in Turkmenistan.
"This is all
nothing but a ridiculous claim by our competitors designed to hurt our
business. To prove this, I'll ride this bike right here, a bike with our tires.
See? Absolutely no hint of spontaneous comb-- ::Whoosh *crackle* *pop*::
Ed note: We regret to
inform the readers of the unfortunate passing away of Mr. Knight from
complications involving burns
******************************************
EDITORIAL
ON THE NIGHT WATCH
by Samcrazy
Nights
in Seattle ain't a picnic, we all know that.
Would it be your choice
to stay out all night, patrolling buildings that are usually targets for hit
gangs? No? Well then consider the men and women who have to hang out there
all night.
But this reporter isn't
here to tell their story. Instead,
she's here to talk about the hit gangs.
A few nights ago a man,
who wishes to withhold his name for obvious reasons, saw one of these said 'hit
gangs' make a raid and run on his patrol building. He describes his sighting to the 'Streets' today.
"Well, I heard this
noise, like a motorbike revving up, and as I looked around this girl, yeah,
jumped the fence by using the back of a truck. She looked really, you know, cute on the motorbike, yeah, really good
looks and wow, killer lips. She sailed
right above my head, and roared away. When I went to investigate, I couldn't find anything taken. It was really weird. And she was alone. No-one else appeared in my watch after that. And I didn't just dream her up, okay? Yes sometimes I get real lonely, and err,
no, it's not because I don't have a girlfriend...look, I wasn't having a
dream! Okay, this interview is
over"
This reporter would like
to point out that she did not say anything about it being a possible hallucination. Now she is not so sure.
But this reporter isn't
here to debate that man's mental health (though she would like to). She is here to highlight the problem of the
lack of safety and security for Seattle's industry these days. Cops are spread thin and are underpaid. More and more groups of people with nothing
to do are getting together to raid and ransack defenseless factories and
buildings. What are we to do?
Again, this reporter
traces the problem back to the government. Little to no expenditure in the public sector causes problems like this
to grow and grow, like a cancer on Seattle.
Although, this incident
is much different from the others recorded across our city. One man, or should I say woman, who took
nothing (according to the guard we interviewed) and how she got into the
building and didn't trip up any alarms baffles us and the state police
department.
All we can say is that
we hope this teaches a valuable lesson to the people involved. To step up watches, and not to employ a
woman-less guy who dreams up girls on motorcycles. Whoops, did I say that?
In the gloom of the post-Pulse depression
Economists make this
concession
Though the cities may
burn
There's no cause for
concern
At least its not a
Reagan recession.
PLAGIARISM IN A POST PULSE WORLD
By Darkangelbby
So many of us take for
granted the time and money spent on creating things, ideas, and objects. People
take for granted the time some people spend to make an idea. For instance, in
the music business, singers do what is called "covers" of some one
else's song. But it's fine. It doesn't bother them. As long as they get their
money, it all good.
Well, others don't think
that that is correct. That people should get his or her own Ideas. I am a
supporter of that Idea. If YOU made a story, and someone else took your idea or
your person and published that in a different book with out your permission,
how would you feel? Would you be mad? I think you would. They would especially
if they made money off of it. What we have to ask ourselves is. is it morally
right? Is it right to take someone else's idea and make money off of it? I say
no, but that is just my opinion.
People these days are
desperate for money. They will do anything and everything to get it. Why do you
think we have prostitutes and drug dealers? They are looking for a quick fix of
cash. Though they ultimately feel worse about themselves. How would you feel if
you sang someone else's song and made more money than they did with it? Some of
us would say, "Cool! More moolah for me!" Others would say, "
What about the original singer?" Sad to say, those sort of people are on
the endangered species list.
What I am saying is I
URGE you to make money the decent honest way. Plagiarism is sad and awful. You
have to put a copy right on EVERYTHING just so people won't steal it. It is
very sad. Please people; come up with YOUR OWN ideas. Those ones are better
anyways.
Whose ideas, whose words
Creativity's for the
birds
If I say what someone
else said
As long as they're dead
I very much doubt that
they heard.
DAF9
******************************************
LETTERS TO THE EDITOR
Dear
Editor
Re: Know your alert
levels by WEIRDARCHIVES
When
the citizens of Seattle start to revel
The city becomes quite
disheveled
But does it REALLY
require
Military attire?
Perhaps these alerts are
on the level.
Dear
Editors,
I have noticed over the
last several issues of your upstanding (and highly flammable, thank you)
publication, that there have been several classified ads for the pre Pulse car
known as the "Aztek". I understand why. I know if I had one of those
terrible cars, I'd be anxious to get rid of it myself. The car is tragedy! Can
it even be called a car? We should refer to it as a space ship hearse minivan
hybrids, because it is unfit to be among regular cars, such as the newly
popularized vintage Chevy Pintos. I would say we call together a public burning
of all Azteks, much like the burnings of the books back in the American
Revolution, to rid our society of these....things before my children develop a
complex from seeing them driving down the street, but I am not going to call
together a public burning because then the sector police will be all over me
AGAIN and I don't feel like being shot at this week. This is the reason I don't
want to be on Survivor XXXIIX! I don't want to take the chance of winning and
having to deal with one of those travesties of a car! People of Seattle, I warn
you. If you see and Aztek coming your way...run. Just run as fast as you can.
Sincerely,
A Very Wise Man
******************************************
ENTERTAINMENT
CONTROVERSY ROCKS CAMP CLASSIC REMAKE, ACTRESSES ADMIT TO
GENETUCKING VIOLATION
By Weirdarchive
Two actresses of the
late 90s who fueled many a lesbian fantasy fetish in the young minds of male
teens shocked the Hollywood Expatriate Community and the world at large in a
London news conference today...where they stepped out looking just as young as
they were some forty years after the debut of their breakout cult classic
movie, WILD THINGS. The dirty little secret of the moment...Genetucking, one of
the more tolerated slang terms for the cosmetic use of genetic reconstructive
therapy, a crime in some countries but as yet an unprosecutable one....until
now, if the European Court of Justice has its way.
The furor began minutes
after Sly Benson Ray, the leading movie remake specialist of Europe and the Far
East, announced his plans to remake the cult classic of 1998, a murder whodunit
which featured among other titillating thrills a threesome love scene with Neve
Campbell, Denise Richards, and Matt Dillon. Ray promised that the remake would
have more graphic love scenes with the two femme fatales Suzie Toller and Kelly
Van Ryan, the roles Campbell and Richards played respectively, to the point of
exposing 'the Money Shots' as he tactlessly described his extreme close-ups of
female genitalia. He then added that the two actresses would play prominent
roles in the remake and suggested a shock or two. He didn't gamble on how
shocked the press corps would be when the actresses, whose ages officially were
46 and 47, stepped out to introduce their parts...as the very same characters
they'd played in the 90s version and at the very same ages of 25 and 26.
Onlookers were stunned by how the actresses seemed to have restored their
youthful appearances...and then expressed outrage when Campbell disclosed that
she and Richards visited the controversial Eros Clinic in Istanbul, capital of
the Turkish Neutral State one of the remaining self-governing nations in the UN
Middle East Trusteeship Territory which was established after the end of
Israel's M.A.D. initiative Operation Jericho's Wraith. Cries of 'Genetuck!' and
'Regenerate Freaks!' forced a rushed closure of the conference as the three
celebrities were hurried out to a waiting car.
Later in a private
interview with the London Times, Campbell and Richards admitted they were
clients of the Clinic for some time in an attempt to revive their careers and
stem off the ravages of aging. Though each woman was fairly fit and still
beautiful in their last roles before their Genetuck (Campbell played the
elderly Annie Oakley in BUFFALO BILL'S LAST SHOW and Richards finished a
successful five year run in the East End revival of NO SEX PLEASE. WE'RE
BRITISH.), they've admitted to feeling the pains of middle age and the lack of
solid sensual roles for 'the mature woman' as coined by Richards. For 18
months, Campbell and Richards underwent a series of injections and therapies
that in theory reverses the aging process and restores the body's regenerative
abilities to maintain a youthful healthy physique. Richards defended the
decision, saying "It's our bodies we're enhancing. Neve and I had a long
talk with Sly over this. The risks of the reconstruct screwing up were big, but
we've managed to keep our hot looks from going gooey." She added with a
laugh and a wink, "I can't wait to finally do that pool scene fight with
Neve and flesh out a few sixty year olds' fantasies." Neve first
approached Ray into giving her a role in the remake and realized his choices to
play the high school femmes didn't fit the original mold. "Besides,"
she later confessed. "After I did some nude scenes in my later years, I
got comfortable with my body and wanted to redo WILD THINGS as it was intended.
I now will show everyone what my bod looked like when I was a tender
impressionable youth." Sly vows that the remake will settle once and for
all who plays the better lesbian...assuming the European Union's Crime and
Punishment Bureau doesn't arrest them for violating the Ho Chi Minh Accords
dealing with the abuses of genetic reconstructive surgery.
The Accords, written in
2007 and amended by the Inchon Conference For Genetic Therapy in 2016 to allow
leniency in certain cases (often called the Tanaka Amendments after the late
genetics specialist who proved the benefits of some genetic reconstructive
therapies.), clearly prohibits any use of genetic therapy for cosmetic use,
such as youth restoration. Any country or organization that exploits such
operations are subject to criminal and civil prosecution by Interpol and the
World Health Organization, Genetics Safety Enforcement Division. "The
Accords were set up clearly for problems like this." Hans Buren, Director
of the G.S.E. said after learning of the 'enhancements'. "You just can't
fool around with the human genetic code with stunts like restoring youth.
You're playing God in that sense and it can only lead to disaster." While
many nations and political blocs have either ratified the Accords or in some
cases imposed even stricter regulations against Genetucking, enforcement has
been lax to dicey. "For one thing," a member of the G.S.E.
Investigations Unit said off the record. "All legal genetic reconstruction
has a youth restoration effect. It happens because the body has to be adjust
for the therapy to work. Otherwise, the patient goes into shock and just shuts
down. The effect, called the Lazarus Syndrome, lasts anywhere from a few weeks
to a couple of years. Patients can maintain the Syndrome if they follow the doctors
and gene therapists suggestions to exercise regularly and eat healthy. Luckily,
most never take the advice serious and they return to their normal genetic age
eventually. Course, there are those who do take it seriously and then we get
calls from people squealing about Genetucks. It can be annoying. Also, there's
not an accurate way to tell the exact age of a genetic strain. Yeah, each
patient has to submit their exact DNA pattern to formulate the proper therapy,
but the human body makes new codes all the time and finding that one strain
that doesn't fit is like finding a needle in a haystack on a planet orbiting a
star in the middle of the galactic cluster. We don't have the manpower for
that. And then, we have jokers like those guys at the Eros Clinic. Never mind
that the Turkish State barely obeys the old Accords of the 80s where genetic
engineering started to hit high gear or even the 1969 treaty prohibiting
biological weapons. The Clinic is near several Ground Zeros of a nuclear and
bioweapon nature. If a stray particle of radiation or anthrax or even Smallpox
Estonia, that nasty bug that got smuggled out Russia during its chaotic days,
gets into one of those labs where they're doing Regenstruct...let's just say we
should pray the chick just gets a bad rash and turns back into a crow. We're
talking about a possible Typhoid Mary that would make the Black Plague look
cute. Hell, even now, we don't what's going with these genetic therapy clinics.
It's an accident waiting to happen." At present, only genetic therapies
that reconstruct damaged or diseased body parts of a critical nature, such as
those involving the cardiovascular or neuromotor systems, are permitted for
adults and children ages 5 to 16. Children under 5 and in-vitro therapies are
only allowed in a life threatening or mental retardation case basis, to be
closely monitored by the G.S.E. to ensure no unnecessary enhancements (such as
brain augmentation).
Many Hollywood
Expatriates have voiced outrage and disgust over Campbell's and Richards' openness
to Genetucking. Speaking from her Athens mansion, Yasmine Bleeth, who did a
comedic lesbian scene with Richards in DONE WITH WIRES in 2005, expressed her
shock. "I can't believe she would do such thing. It's stupid to mess with
God's creation. I've been blessed with beauty and brains and I work hard to
maintain myself with exercise and a strict regimen, but Denise and Neve are
sending the wrong messages to today's youth. You can't make beauty in a bottle.
It only cheapens the image. I embrace my old age with dignity and grace and I
thank God for a caring husband and children who accept me with my wrinkles and
graying hair. Anyone who thinks they can beat the genetic clock is setting
themselves up for a fall." Sarah Michelle Gellar, who retired from acting
to head the powerful Talent And Genius Agency of Europe, immediately severed
all production ties with Campbell and vows never to allow any of her clients to
work with her and Richards. Kristen Dunst made a similar move with her now
ex-client Richards. Matthew Broderick, Head of North American Productions for
the BBC, issued a statement voicing his own concerns over the Genetucking
incident and is presently consulting with Standards and Practices and the Royal
Health Department on a proper course action to deal with the two actresses. SAG
Europe Vice President Jessica Alba has suggested an emergency meeting of the
Executive Board to impose an immediate work stoppage on the WILD THINGS remake
and has even hinted possibly expelling Campbell and Richards from the Guild for
unbecoming conduct. "We won't tolerate this kind of bulls**t." ,she
said to reporters at the Guild's Paris Headquarters. "It's one thing to do
a tummy tuck or a nose job, but mixing up the genetics to get a part is definitely
against common sense and human decency. The only work those two are gonna get
is in the bestiality porn industry...and I give you three guesses who'll be the
beasts."
More repercussions are
sure to follow, including suggestions by the G.S.E. to the UN to expand its Trusteeship
rule into the Turkish Neutral State to prevent such an incident from ever
happening again. Officials of the T.N.S. and of the Eros Clinic have either
declined or made comment at press time.
Genetic rejuvenation
Fills my heart with
elation
Spend an October day
And wake up in May
Where do I send my
application?
DAF9
RETURN OF COPS A MAJOR HIT
By Jox5
Remember back before the
pulse when the world still worked? There was a hit T.V show called cops that
showed real (yeah right) police videos.
Well yesterday they
returned and over 18,000,000 people were watching. Which is strange considering
that there are only 15,000,000 televisions in the U.S.
Officer Andy, the
Seattle police chief, said that he couldn't be more thrilled at how well Cops
is doing. "It really helps the
local police gain a image of working for the people, not against them"
When asked if the money
was being used for better crime fighting equipment like training dogs to find
lost children, Officer Andy had no comment. At that moment, though, three
police cars arrived filled with pizza and donuts. Coincidence? I think not.
Be
sure to catch Cops 2: Hoverdrones version this fall on Fox
MOVIES
By Weirdarchive
On Cineplex, Canada:
THE LANGUAGE OF POETS, 2005, starring Jessica Alba, Amber Benson, David Boreanaz, Eddie
Cahill, and Alyson Hannigan. Written and directed by Michael Weatherly, with
songs by Weatherly and Bono. Rated R. To
many, this film is a valentine to one of the strongest marriages in the
Hollywood scene today. Alba and Weatherly have literally dealt with turmoil,
riot, miscarriage, and near death...but still managed to love each other with a
passion that is rivaled only by such legendary marriages as Paul Newman and
Joanne Woodard. The movie here is a testament to that love. Jessica plays
Natalie, an aspiring poet and singer who shares a long friendship with her
college roommate Trisha (Benson) and her high school crush and Trisha's brother
Frank (Boreanaz). Frank is mourning the loss of his wife Barbara (Hannigan) due
to cancer and is trying to rebuild his life, with the sometimes hindering help
of his buddy Chuck (Cahill). There's a supernatural element involved when
Barbara haunts Natalie into taking Frank as a lover and help him heal the
wounds he felt as he tries to take care of their only adopted child Baxter
(played by Bill Simmons, who went on to greater glory in the third BUFFY THE
VAMPIRE SLAYER spin-off, DAWN THE SECOND CHILD.), often with comedic yet
touching results. Granted, it took some guts for Weatherly to direct the nude
love scenes with his wife and Boreanaz, with an equally naked Hannigan looking
on in the background, but the highly erotic scenes are quite stunning and
beautiful. Weatherly also helped writing the songs and poems Natalie sings at
the coffee shop with soulful grace. Alba does her own singing, practicing for
three months prior to filming to get it right. Benson also practiced for three
months on piano to make Trisha's accompanist playing with Natalie equally
believable. It's standard romantic fluff fare, but it does work on so many
levels and lovers everywhere should enjoy the comedy and tenderness of the
picture. Alba received her third Golden Globe nomination for Best Actress in a
Comedic or Musical Movie. Contains strong language, nudity, and scenes of
sensuality. Parents strongly cautioned.
WINDOWS, A LOVE STORY, 2004, starring Katie Holmes, Julie Stiles, Kate Hudson, and
Nicole Kidman. Directed by Shannen Doherty. Unrated. The evolution of Katie
Holmes from America's television sweetheart to mature sensual woman, which had
begun in her starring roles in the films DISTURBING BEHAVIOR and THE GIFT, was
completed in this interesting piece of erotica that ties three contemporary
love stories to a woman's voyeuristic tendencies. Holmes plays the woman who
watches three couples (one happily married, one on the verge of divorce, and a
May-December lesbian relationship on the verge of sexual consummation) and how
she affects each of them from afar for better or worse. The weakest of the
stories, sadly, involves Hudson's character and her growing disenchantment with
her husband (played by Vince Vaughn) once she catches him with his mistress (an
uncredited cameo by Sarah Michelle Gellar who makes her first nude scene
running from the apartment screaming.). How she reacts to Holmes' snooping on
their argument is rather clichéd and mostly pointless. The more interesting
story deals with Stiles and Kidman as the soon-to-be lesbian lovers who are
trying to find the right words and mood to express each other's passion. How
they deal with Holmes' voyeurism is the most sexually charged moment in the
film. The story dealing with the newlyweds (played by Vin Diesel and Kristin
Davis) finishes out the film on an uneven level, bordering on one of those
potential threesomes exploited to death by PLAYBOY VIDEO's Eros Collection, but
the finale does portray the moment they find Holmes watching them more
realistically especially at the awkward encounter the morning after. While this
film is not the best of the bunch, it does have some excellent moments. Contains
sexuality, profanity, voyeurism, and nudity. Parents Strongly Cautioned.
******************************************
FEATURES
CHEROKEE DREAMS
By Cherokee128
O-si-oh,
brother. How goes life?
I've seen you before, but
I don't know where.
Where? Where? Your face
has followed me in sleep. Your voice sings me to calm waters, waters of the
Dream River. Your memories are mine as well.
I've seen you before,
but I don't know where.
I am a warrior. I fear nothing,
but you have haunted my sleep for many moons. You have stirred up demons of my
past. You, my tsa-la-gi brother.
I've seen you before,
but I don't know where.
A shadow of my past, a
ghost of my future. A phantom that drifts through my life. Always there, never
hidden. A stranger, yet so familiar to me.
I've seen you before,
but I don't know where.
I live in the forest,
live off the land. Play with my brothers, Run with my friends. Ride like the
wind, hunt like the wolf, but you are always there.
I've seen you before,
but I don't know where.
And than I look into the
small clear pond, and I see you, a stranger, yet closer to me than my closest
brother. You are me, and yet you aren't.
I've seen you before,
and now I know where.
WEATHER REPORT
Monday: Extremely foggy
with a chance of rain. Low hoverdrone visibility. Plan accordingly.
Tuesday: partially sunny, high pollen index. An advisory is being issued
for those with allergies or compromised immune systems to stay indoors.
Wednesday: Mostly cloudy, high winds, stay indoors if you can so you don't
get bombarded with trash debris.
Thursday: ozone alert. If
you are an oxygen breathing species STAY indoors!
Friday: Rain
Saturday: Rain
Sunday: Here's a
shocker: Rain
Long Term Forecast:
More Freakin' Rain.
******************************************
SPORTS
METHANE MOTORCYCLE TRAILS THIS WEEK
IN SALT LAKE CITY
By Weirdarchive
The third annual North
American Methane Motorcycle Races will have its timing trails in at the city
limits of Salt Lake City, Utah this week. Cyclists from America, Canada, The
Mexican Free States, Baja Republic, Caribbean Commonwealth, and for the first
time Japan will be displaying the latest in methane engines and technology at
high speed for prizes in categories ranging from the usual racing technique to
the best use of methane harvesting, conservation, and safety. This five day event will showcase the best
in methane technology from three continents, as well as the gustiest riders
from the Wild Lands of the Midwest to
the steppes of Tibet. This spin-off of
the venerable alternate energy races has been picking up fans at a stunning
rate, with over 20,000 to attend the trails alone. Among the contests being staged are stunt riding, dirt racing,
and the grueling 48 hour marathon across the Great Lake and surrounding area.
The highlight of the event will be the motocross duel between Jerry Po of Chicago and Max "The
Maximum" Cortez of Yucatan (Mexican Free States). These two rivals have had it in with each other since the Motocross Riots of 2015
in the Baja Republic, where Max accused Jerry of sabotaging his cycle and
causing a seven bike pile-up that nearly crippled him. Bookies in Las Vegas, Atlantic City, Ottawa, and Tokyo have Jerry at a slight advance due
to his experience in the salt plains, while those in Blackpool, Paris, and Moscow put Max at 4 to 1 odds. Truly a match worth to watch, as it will be
shown live on Cineplex Sports Pay Per View. (Consult listings for airtime and
encores.)
Tickets can be bought at
any sporting arena complex and Ticketmaster outlet for $18.50 a ticket, limited
three tickets per person. Interstate
Sector passes must be shown before purchase as per National Emergency
Protocols. Consult with your local
Military Commission Citizen Advisor for latest updates and changes. Utah Sector
Police also advise to be ready for sudden delays due to full body searches against technology theft and
industrial sabotage. No one will be admitted into the pit area without valid identification and escort. Mandatory 'Five
Year Hard' sentencing will be enforced while the event is being held.
******************************************
CLASSIFIEDS
LOST: A notebook filled with poems and stuff. "Ewachsmuth" written on
the cover. Here's an example:
Witness the suffering in
her eyes
The memories of an
existence she despised
Heed the anguish in her
voice
The fate of a soul that
can not rejoice
Feel the tremors in her
hands
Remnants of a tortured
youth few can understand
And now, is she back in
the den of terror?
And now, was escape just
a respite from horror?
And now, will she come
back to me?
Will she come back to
me?
Will she...
Witness the suffering in
my eyes
The memories of an
existence I prized
Heed the anguish in my
voice
The fate of a soul that
can no longer rejoice
Feel the tremors in my
hands
And remember that I did
understand
If the notebook is
yours, and you can identify at least two other poems, you can have it.
FOUND: Large black dog, possibly Rottweiler mix, wearing black leather
collar. Extremely territorial. We would like it removed from our residence as
soon as possible. Please contact Steve at the Happy Traveler hotel immediately.
POLYGAMIST WANTED:
One husband to serve,
must have style; must
have verve
There's five of us wives
The harder to strive
To give 'him' the life
he deserves.
FOR SALE: False teeth. Many styles and sizes. Pre-sterilized. Please
contact Mary at Seattle General Hospital, basement level.
