What is an X-5

STREETS OF SEATTLE

(date withheld), 2019

http://pages.prodigy.net/jennem

To our readers: The stories appearing in today's STREETS OF SEATTLE have been cleared by the U.S. Army under the provisions of the Martial Law Declaration of 2009 and the National Emergency Declaration of 2010.

Editor in Chief: Jennem1

Senior Editor: Daf9

Managing Editor: Samcrazy

Chief Reporter: Weirdarchive

Entertainment Editor: Jox5

Opinion Editor: Shnapzie

Contributing Reporter: Ninja650

Contributing Reporter: 727Angel

Contributing Reporter: Darkangelbby

Contributing Reporter: Cherokee128

Contributing Reporter: Ewachsmuth

Contributing Reporter: Sportzgirl16

Contributing Reporter: Preciousjax

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LOCAL NEWS

ASSASSINATION ATTEMPT FAILED

By Ninja650

About a month ago, here in Seattle, there was a controversy over the supposed death of former pop star Britney Spears. It turns out that, according to a letter our paper received from the secretary to the Office of the Exalted Reverend, Nathan Onyx, the woman killed was not, in fact, Ms. Spears, who is presently in the Republic of Alaska heading the Nation of Islam Reformed and preaching the word of Allah by the name of Samantha Adjia. Apparently, the poor woman that was killed was only an impersonator who longed to live the life that the young Britney once lived. It's a shame that her dream of being such an image would be the end of her. The real name of this woman is still unknown.

The killer of this woman was also unknown. Seattle police spent the better parts of the month trying to track down the killer until they found out that it was not Ms. Spears that was killed. But the story was brought back to life when the Seattle Police Department got a call from William Hodges, the Governor of the Republic of Alaska, saying that he might have the killer. The man Hodges spoke of was captured when trying to assassinate Samantha Adjia while she was giving a public speech about the wonders of Allah. The man stood in the crowd and idiotically begin to attach the silencer to his gun in plain sight. Before he was able to take good aim, he was rushed by the Exalted Reverend's security.

It was agreed that the man would stay in the Republic of Alaska and receive his punishment, since it was not certain that he had committed the murder here in Seattle. The Governor would take care of his sentence and the situation. We don't know at this time what that sentence is or what it will be, but we do know that he is being held in a cell at this moment and refuses to give his name. It was also said that The Nation of Islam Reformed is being more careful with when and where they let the Exalted Reverend give her speeches.

WHAT IS AN X5? QUESTIONS CONCERNING THE EYES ONLY BROADCAST

By: 727angel

Everybody knows the do-gooder Eyes Only. We have all seen him on TV, usually broadcasting about some evil guy doing something wrong. But the latest broadcast was about some mysterious things/people called X-5's.

Everyone is guessing what it/they are. Some say it is probably a machine because it has barcode. Others speculate they are some kind of gang that have barcode tattoos. We doubt the machine theory because how could a machine see the television and hear what Eyes Only was saying? And we have a strong feeling it is not gang members, because why would Eyes Only (who is all about doing good stuff for the world) want to notify people in a gang?

We have no idea what it/they are, and are trying to figure it out but have found it impossible. The one thing we do know is Eyes Only has some connection with it/them, and he is for some reason sticking up for them.

What is an X-5

Is it inanimate or alive?

Does it breathe? Does it eat?

Is it wild or discrete?

Equipped with an internal or external drive?

DAF9

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MEDICINE

WHAT'S THE GOING RATE FOR A KIDNEY?

By Daf9

Well, it had to happen eventually. With the demand for organ transplants at an all-time high and donations remaining stagnant for the past 30 years, desperate patients have had to come up with creative ideas to obtain the organ they need. After the unfortunate real life reenactment of that old urban myth several years ago, in which an unsuspecting Seattle tourist awoke after a wild party to discover his kidney had been removed, residents of this city have become more reluctant than ever to carry a signed organ donor card.

For a time the homeless of Seattle were being coerced into donating organs in exchange for food and shelter but the generally poor health of these people made their organs less than ideal for transplant. So how to persuade the relatively well-to-do to part with a body part? There was some interest in exchanging promises of organ donation for health or medical insurance but unfortunately the majority of employees interested in the health insurance program had chronic illnesses or lifestyles that made them unsuitable as donors of the most highly sought-after organs. And as far as life insurance goes, life is too short to worry about what's gonna happen after you're gone.

The solution: several of the city's larger employers have been offering improved office conditions as an incentive for organ donation. The going rate seems to be agreement to a post mortem kidney, liver or heart donation in exchange for a mahogany desk and genuine leather chair. As a living organ donor of a kidney or liver lobe you will win a corner office with its own wet bar (stocked only with fruit juices of course to keep that kidney or liver in good shape). Unfortunately for those of us here at Streets of Seattle, our body parts were pickled from too much alcohol consumption years ago. All we're good for is cornea donations ... and all they're worth is a pencil sharpener or a waste paper basket.

Office organ donations

Are creating quite a sensation

When your boss wants your head

Make him double-check that you're dead

Before issuing funeral invitations

DAF9

SALMONELLA OUTBREAK IN SEATTLE

By Daf9

Doctors at Metro Medical announced today that cases of Salmonella poisoning in Seattle have risen dramatically in the past week. Following an intensive investigation by the Centers for Disease Control, it was discovered that the outbreak could be traced to a batch of chicken delivered last week to the farmers' market.

The investigation was initially hampered by the difficulty in obtaining an infected chicken. Since inexpensive chickens, or any chickens at all, have been so rare lately, this particular batch sold out very quickly and the purchasers whom the CDC managed to contact were reluctant to part with their chickens for testing. In addition it appeared that at least half a dozen chicken had "disappeared", likely the victims of theft.

The very old and the very young along with persons with compromised immune systems are particularly susceptible to Salmonella. Symptoms of Salmonella poisoning include abdominal cramps, vomiting, diarrhea, and nausea. If you or any one in your family develops these symptoms and has consumed a chicken obtained from the farmers' market, please contact your family physician immediately. And once again remember, NO raw eggs or chicken, EVER.

Also remember TANSTAAFL (There ain't no such thing as a free lunch).

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BUSINESS

IS PASSING AS A CANADIAN TOO TOUGH FOR MERE AMERICANS?

By Daf9

As reported two weeks ago in Streets of Seattle, the University of Washington Free School has been offering a course in how to pass as a Canadian. Upon graduation, successful candidates are presented with an almost-legal Canadian passport and a bus ticket to Saskatoon. Why not Vancouver you ask, since it's so close? Turns out the weather in Saskatoon is so nasty that neither Canadian nor US Federal agents will go there to look for illegal immigrants.

Anyway, your intrepid reporter DAF9 decided to sit in on this week's class. Arriving at class I almost left immediately upon seeing the topic of tonight's lesson on the chalk board "How to eat a tiny Tim". OMG, nobody warned me Canadians were cannibals Nobody I talked to could tell me who this Tim Horton was; but everyone assured me that he was a famous Canadian and that he had scored more "goals" than Dunkin of Dunkin Donuts.

The second hour of the class was devoted to how to order tea and what to expect. Turns out most Canadians don't believe in iced tea. Well, I suppose when you live where its winter 50 weeks of the year that makes sense. Tea means hot tea. And none of this herbal, spicy, decaffeinated stuff either. Its all something called "Red Rose" or "Liptons". When you order it, you spend minutes looking for the tea bag. Surprise! they put it in the POT with the water, rather than leaving it on your saucer for you to do the honors. What a concept! And nobody drinks tea black - its either with sugar or with milk and sugar. I can see this passing for a Canadian is going to be a lot tougher than I thought.

Next week we learn to look at scrambled eggs covered in ketchup without horking. Our homework this week is to memorize the colors of all the Canadian bills from $5 to $500. Why couldn't they have used Monopoly colors, that's what THIS reporter wants to know.

An interview with Mr. AJ Knight, CEO of Miklo Tire Co., the number one supplier of bicycle tires in Seattle.

by Shnapzie

"First of all, I would like to say that these rumors of our tires spontaneously combusting are completely unfounded.

"We use the highest quality synthetic rubber for our tires, produced in the highest quality sweatshops in Turkmenistan.

"This is all nothing but a ridiculous claim by our competitors designed to hurt our business. To prove this, I'll ride this bike right here, a bike with our tires. See? Absolutely no hint of spontaneous comb-- ::Whoosh *crackle* *pop*::

Ed note: We regret to inform the readers of the unfortunate passing away of Mr. Knight from complications involving burns

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EDITORIAL

ON THE NIGHT WATCH

by Samcrazy

Nights in Seattle ain't a picnic, we all know that.

Would it be your choice to stay out all night, patrolling buildings that are usually targets for hit gangs? No? Well then consider the men and women who have to hang out there all night.

But this reporter isn't here to tell their story. Instead, she's here to talk about the hit gangs.

A few nights ago a man, who wishes to withhold his name for obvious reasons, saw one of these said 'hit gangs' make a raid and run on his patrol building. He describes his sighting to the 'Streets' today.

"Well, I heard this noise, like a motorbike revving up, and as I looked around this girl, yeah, jumped the fence by using the back of a truck. She looked really, you know, cute on the motorbike, yeah, really good looks and wow, killer lips. She sailed right above my head, and roared away. When I went to investigate, I couldn't find anything taken. It was really weird. And she was alone. No-one else appeared in my watch after that. And I didn't just dream her up, okay? Yes sometimes I get real lonely, and err, no, it's not because I don't have a girlfriend...look, I wasn't having a dream! Okay, this interview is over"

This reporter would like to point out that she did not say anything about it being a possible hallucination. Now she is not so sure.

But this reporter isn't here to debate that man's mental health (though she would like to). She is here to highlight the problem of the lack of safety and security for Seattle's industry these days. Cops are spread thin and are underpaid. More and more groups of people with nothing to do are getting together to raid and ransack defenseless factories and buildings. What are we to do?

Again, this reporter traces the problem back to the government. Little to no expenditure in the public sector causes problems like this to grow and grow, like a cancer on Seattle.

Although, this incident is much different from the others recorded across our city. One man, or should I say woman, who took nothing (according to the guard we interviewed) and how she got into the building and didn't trip up any alarms baffles us and the state police department.

All we can say is that we hope this teaches a valuable lesson to the people involved. To step up watches, and not to employ a woman-less guy who dreams up girls on motorcycles. Whoops, did I say that?

In the gloom of the post-Pulse depression

Economists make this concession

Though the cities may burn

There's no cause for concern

At least its not a Reagan recession.

PLAGIARISM IN A POST PULSE WORLD

By Darkangelbby

So many of us take for granted the time and money spent on creating things, ideas, and objects. People take for granted the time some people spend to make an idea. For instance, in the music business, singers do what is called "covers" of some one else's song. But it's fine. It doesn't bother them. As long as they get their money, it all good.

Well, others don't think that that is correct. That people should get his or her own Ideas. I am a supporter of that Idea. If YOU made a story, and someone else took your idea or your person and published that in a different book with out your permission, how would you feel? Would you be mad? I think you would. They would especially if they made money off of it. What we have to ask ourselves is. is it morally right? Is it right to take someone else's idea and make money off of it? I say no, but that is just my opinion.

People these days are desperate for money. They will do anything and everything to get it. Why do you think we have prostitutes and drug dealers? They are looking for a quick fix of cash. Though they ultimately feel worse about themselves. How would you feel if you sang someone else's song and made more money than they did with it? Some of us would say, "Cool! More moolah for me!" Others would say, " What about the original singer?" Sad to say, those sort of people are on the endangered species list.

What I am saying is I URGE you to make money the decent honest way. Plagiarism is sad and awful. You have to put a copy right on EVERYTHING just so people won't steal it. It is very sad. Please people; come up with YOUR OWN ideas. Those ones are better anyways.

Whose ideas, whose words

Creativity's for the birds

If I say what someone else said

As long as they're dead

I very much doubt that they heard.

DAF9

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LETTERS TO THE EDITOR

Dear Editor

Re: Know your alert levels by WEIRDARCHIVES

When the citizens of Seattle start to revel

The city becomes quite disheveled

But does it REALLY require

Military attire?

Perhaps these alerts are on the level.

Dear Editors,

I have noticed over the last several issues of your upstanding (and highly flammable, thank you) publication, that there have been several classified ads for the pre Pulse car known as the "Aztek". I understand why. I know if I had one of those terrible cars, I'd be anxious to get rid of it myself. The car is tragedy! Can it even be called a car? We should refer to it as a space ship hearse minivan hybrids, because it is unfit to be among regular cars, such as the newly popularized vintage Chevy Pintos. I would say we call together a public burning of all Azteks, much like the burnings of the books back in the American Revolution, to rid our society of these....things before my children develop a complex from seeing them driving down the street, but I am not going to call together a public burning because then the sector police will be all over me AGAIN and I don't feel like being shot at this week. This is the reason I don't want to be on Survivor XXXIIX! I don't want to take the chance of winning and having to deal with one of those travesties of a car! People of Seattle, I warn you. If you see and Aztek coming your way...run. Just run as fast as you can.

Sincerely,

A Very Wise Man

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ENTERTAINMENT

CONTROVERSY ROCKS CAMP CLASSIC REMAKE, ACTRESSES ADMIT TO GENETUCKING VIOLATION

By Weirdarchive

Two actresses of the late 90s who fueled many a lesbian fantasy fetish in the young minds of male teens shocked the Hollywood Expatriate Community and the world at large in a London news conference today...where they stepped out looking just as young as they were some forty years after the debut of their breakout cult classic movie, WILD THINGS. The dirty little secret of the moment...Genetucking, one of the more tolerated slang terms for the cosmetic use of genetic reconstructive therapy, a crime in some countries but as yet an unprosecutable one....until now, if the European Court of Justice has its way.

The furor began minutes after Sly Benson Ray, the leading movie remake specialist of Europe and the Far East, announced his plans to remake the cult classic of 1998, a murder whodunit which featured among other titillating thrills a threesome love scene with Neve Campbell, Denise Richards, and Matt Dillon. Ray promised that the remake would have more graphic love scenes with the two femme fatales Suzie Toller and Kelly Van Ryan, the roles Campbell and Richards played respectively, to the point of exposing 'the Money Shots' as he tactlessly described his extreme close-ups of female genitalia. He then added that the two actresses would play prominent roles in the remake and suggested a shock or two. He didn't gamble on how shocked the press corps would be when the actresses, whose ages officially were 46 and 47, stepped out to introduce their parts...as the very same characters they'd played in the 90s version and at the very same ages of 25 and 26. Onlookers were stunned by how the actresses seemed to have restored their youthful appearances...and then expressed outrage when Campbell disclosed that she and Richards visited the controversial Eros Clinic in Istanbul, capital of the Turkish Neutral State one of the remaining self-governing nations in the UN Middle East Trusteeship Territory which was established after the end of Israel's M.A.D. initiative Operation Jericho's Wraith. Cries of 'Genetuck!' and 'Regenerate Freaks!' forced a rushed closure of the conference as the three celebrities were hurried out to a waiting car.

Later in a private interview with the London Times, Campbell and Richards admitted they were clients of the Clinic for some time in an attempt to revive their careers and stem off the ravages of aging. Though each woman was fairly fit and still beautiful in their last roles before their Genetuck (Campbell played the elderly Annie Oakley in BUFFALO BILL'S LAST SHOW and Richards finished a successful five year run in the East End revival of NO SEX PLEASE. WE'RE BRITISH.), they've admitted to feeling the pains of middle age and the lack of solid sensual roles for 'the mature woman' as coined by Richards. For 18 months, Campbell and Richards underwent a series of injections and therapies that in theory reverses the aging process and restores the body's regenerative abilities to maintain a youthful healthy physique. Richards defended the decision, saying "It's our bodies we're enhancing. Neve and I had a long talk with Sly over this. The risks of the reconstruct screwing up were big, but we've managed to keep our hot looks from going gooey." She added with a laugh and a wink, "I can't wait to finally do that pool scene fight with Neve and flesh out a few sixty year olds' fantasies." Neve first approached Ray into giving her a role in the remake and realized his choices to play the high school femmes didn't fit the original mold. "Besides," she later confessed. "After I did some nude scenes in my later years, I got comfortable with my body and wanted to redo WILD THINGS as it was intended. I now will show everyone what my bod looked like when I was a tender impressionable youth." Sly vows that the remake will settle once and for all who plays the better lesbian...assuming the European Union's Crime and Punishment Bureau doesn't arrest them for violating the Ho Chi Minh Accords dealing with the abuses of genetic reconstructive surgery.

The Accords, written in 2007 and amended by the Inchon Conference For Genetic Therapy in 2016 to allow leniency in certain cases (often called the Tanaka Amendments after the late genetics specialist who proved the benefits of some genetic reconstructive therapies.), clearly prohibits any use of genetic therapy for cosmetic use, such as youth restoration. Any country or organization that exploits such operations are subject to criminal and civil prosecution by Interpol and the World Health Organization, Genetics Safety Enforcement Division. "The Accords were set up clearly for problems like this." Hans Buren, Director of the G.S.E. said after learning of the 'enhancements'. "You just can't fool around with the human genetic code with stunts like restoring youth. You're playing God in that sense and it can only lead to disaster." While many nations and political blocs have either ratified the Accords or in some cases imposed even stricter regulations against Genetucking, enforcement has been lax to dicey. "For one thing," a member of the G.S.E. Investigations Unit said off the record. "All legal genetic reconstruction has a youth restoration effect. It happens because the body has to be adjust for the therapy to work. Otherwise, the patient goes into shock and just shuts down. The effect, called the Lazarus Syndrome, lasts anywhere from a few weeks to a couple of years. Patients can maintain the Syndrome if they follow the doctors and gene therapists suggestions to exercise regularly and eat healthy. Luckily, most never take the advice serious and they return to their normal genetic age eventually. Course, there are those who do take it seriously and then we get calls from people squealing about Genetucks. It can be annoying. Also, there's not an accurate way to tell the exact age of a genetic strain. Yeah, each patient has to submit their exact DNA pattern to formulate the proper therapy, but the human body makes new codes all the time and finding that one strain that doesn't fit is like finding a needle in a haystack on a planet orbiting a star in the middle of the galactic cluster. We don't have the manpower for that. And then, we have jokers like those guys at the Eros Clinic. Never mind that the Turkish State barely obeys the old Accords of the 80s where genetic engineering started to hit high gear or even the 1969 treaty prohibiting biological weapons. The Clinic is near several Ground Zeros of a nuclear and bioweapon nature. If a stray particle of radiation or anthrax or even Smallpox Estonia, that nasty bug that got smuggled out Russia during its chaotic days, gets into one of those labs where they're doing Regenstruct...let's just say we should pray the chick just gets a bad rash and turns back into a crow. We're talking about a possible Typhoid Mary that would make the Black Plague look cute. Hell, even now, we don't what's going with these genetic therapy clinics. It's an accident waiting to happen." At present, only genetic therapies that reconstruct damaged or diseased body parts of a critical nature, such as those involving the cardiovascular or neuromotor systems, are permitted for adults and children ages 5 to 16. Children under 5 and in-vitro therapies are only allowed in a life threatening or mental retardation case basis, to be closely monitored by the G.S.E. to ensure no unnecessary enhancements (such as brain augmentation).

Many Hollywood Expatriates have voiced outrage and disgust over Campbell's and Richards' openness to Genetucking. Speaking from her Athens mansion, Yasmine Bleeth, who did a comedic lesbian scene with Richards in DONE WITH WIRES in 2005, expressed her shock. "I can't believe she would do such thing. It's stupid to mess with God's creation. I've been blessed with beauty and brains and I work hard to maintain myself with exercise and a strict regimen, but Denise and Neve are sending the wrong messages to today's youth. You can't make beauty in a bottle. It only cheapens the image. I embrace my old age with dignity and grace and I thank God for a caring husband and children who accept me with my wrinkles and graying hair. Anyone who thinks they can beat the genetic clock is setting themselves up for a fall." Sarah Michelle Gellar, who retired from acting to head the powerful Talent And Genius Agency of Europe, immediately severed all production ties with Campbell and vows never to allow any of her clients to work with her and Richards. Kristen Dunst made a similar move with her now ex-client Richards. Matthew Broderick, Head of North American Productions for the BBC, issued a statement voicing his own concerns over the Genetucking incident and is presently consulting with Standards and Practices and the Royal Health Department on a proper course action to deal with the two actresses. SAG Europe Vice President Jessica Alba has suggested an emergency meeting of the Executive Board to impose an immediate work stoppage on the WILD THINGS remake and has even hinted possibly expelling Campbell and Richards from the Guild for unbecoming conduct. "We won't tolerate this kind of bulls**t." ,she said to reporters at the Guild's Paris Headquarters. "It's one thing to do a tummy tuck or a nose job, but mixing up the genetics to get a part is definitely against common sense and human decency. The only work those two are gonna get is in the bestiality porn industry...and I give you three guesses who'll be the beasts."

More repercussions are sure to follow, including suggestions by the G.S.E. to the UN to expand its Trusteeship rule into the Turkish Neutral State to prevent such an incident from ever happening again. Officials of the T.N.S. and of the Eros Clinic have either declined or made comment at press time.

Genetic rejuvenation

Fills my heart with elation

Spend an October day

And wake up in May

Where do I send my application?

DAF9

RETURN OF COPS A MAJOR HIT

By Jox5

Remember back before the pulse when the world still worked? There was a hit T.V show called cops that showed real (yeah right) police videos.

Well yesterday they returned and over 18,000,000 people were watching. Which is strange considering that there are only 15,000,000 televisions in the U.S.

Officer Andy, the Seattle police chief, said that he couldn't be more thrilled at how well Cops is doing. "It really helps the local police gain a image of working for the people, not against them"

When asked if the money was being used for better crime fighting equipment like training dogs to find lost children, Officer Andy had no comment. At that moment, though, three police cars arrived filled with pizza and donuts. Coincidence? I think not.

Be sure to catch Cops 2: Hoverdrones version this fall on Fox

MOVIES

By Weirdarchive

On Cineplex, Canada:

THE LANGUAGE OF POETS, 2005, starring Jessica Alba, Amber Benson, David Boreanaz, Eddie Cahill, and Alyson Hannigan. Written and directed by Michael Weatherly, with songs by Weatherly and Bono. Rated R. To many, this film is a valentine to one of the strongest marriages in the Hollywood scene today. Alba and Weatherly have literally dealt with turmoil, riot, miscarriage, and near death...but still managed to love each other with a passion that is rivaled only by such legendary marriages as Paul Newman and Joanne Woodard. The movie here is a testament to that love. Jessica plays Natalie, an aspiring poet and singer who shares a long friendship with her college roommate Trisha (Benson) and her high school crush and Trisha's brother Frank (Boreanaz). Frank is mourning the loss of his wife Barbara (Hannigan) due to cancer and is trying to rebuild his life, with the sometimes hindering help of his buddy Chuck (Cahill). There's a supernatural element involved when Barbara haunts Natalie into taking Frank as a lover and help him heal the wounds he felt as he tries to take care of their only adopted child Baxter (played by Bill Simmons, who went on to greater glory in the third BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER spin-off, DAWN THE SECOND CHILD.), often with comedic yet touching results. Granted, it took some guts for Weatherly to direct the nude love scenes with his wife and Boreanaz, with an equally naked Hannigan looking on in the background, but the highly erotic scenes are quite stunning and beautiful. Weatherly also helped writing the songs and poems Natalie sings at the coffee shop with soulful grace. Alba does her own singing, practicing for three months prior to filming to get it right. Benson also practiced for three months on piano to make Trisha's accompanist playing with Natalie equally believable. It's standard romantic fluff fare, but it does work on so many levels and lovers everywhere should enjoy the comedy and tenderness of the picture. Alba received her third Golden Globe nomination for Best Actress in a Comedic or Musical Movie. Contains strong language, nudity, and scenes of sensuality. Parents strongly cautioned.

WINDOWS, A LOVE STORY, 2004, starring Katie Holmes, Julie Stiles, Kate Hudson, and Nicole Kidman. Directed by Shannen Doherty. Unrated. The evolution of Katie Holmes from America's television sweetheart to mature sensual woman, which had begun in her starring roles in the films DISTURBING BEHAVIOR and THE GIFT, was completed in this interesting piece of erotica that ties three contemporary love stories to a woman's voyeuristic tendencies. Holmes plays the woman who watches three couples (one happily married, one on the verge of divorce, and a May-December lesbian relationship on the verge of sexual consummation) and how she affects each of them from afar for better or worse. The weakest of the stories, sadly, involves Hudson's character and her growing disenchantment with her husband (played by Vince Vaughn) once she catches him with his mistress (an uncredited cameo by Sarah Michelle Gellar who makes her first nude scene running from the apartment screaming.). How she reacts to Holmes' snooping on their argument is rather clichéd and mostly pointless. The more interesting story deals with Stiles and Kidman as the soon-to-be lesbian lovers who are trying to find the right words and mood to express each other's passion. How they deal with Holmes' voyeurism is the most sexually charged moment in the film. The story dealing with the newlyweds (played by Vin Diesel and Kristin Davis) finishes out the film on an uneven level, bordering on one of those potential threesomes exploited to death by PLAYBOY VIDEO's Eros Collection, but the finale does portray the moment they find Holmes watching them more realistically especially at the awkward encounter the morning after. While this film is not the best of the bunch, it does have some excellent moments. Contains sexuality, profanity, voyeurism, and nudity. Parents Strongly Cautioned.

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FEATURES

CHEROKEE DREAMS

By Cherokee128

O-si-oh, brother. How goes life?

I've seen you before, but I don't know where.

Where? Where? Your face has followed me in sleep. Your voice sings me to calm waters, waters of the Dream River. Your memories are mine as well.

I've seen you before, but I don't know where.

I am a warrior. I fear nothing, but you have haunted my sleep for many moons. You have stirred up demons of my past. You, my tsa-la-gi brother.

I've seen you before, but I don't know where.

A shadow of my past, a ghost of my future. A phantom that drifts through my life. Always there, never hidden. A stranger, yet so familiar to me.

I've seen you before, but I don't know where.

I live in the forest, live off the land. Play with my brothers, Run with my friends. Ride like the wind, hunt like the wolf, but you are always there.

I've seen you before, but I don't know where.

And than I look into the small clear pond, and I see you, a stranger, yet closer to me than my closest brother. You are me, and yet you aren't.

I've seen you before, and now I know where.

WEATHER REPORT

Monday: Extremely foggy with a chance of rain. Low hoverdrone visibility. Plan accordingly.

Tuesday: partially sunny, high pollen index. An advisory is being issued for those with allergies or compromised immune systems to stay indoors.

Wednesday: Mostly cloudy, high winds, stay indoors if you can so you don't get bombarded with trash debris.

Thursday: ozone alert. If you are an oxygen breathing species STAY indoors!

Friday: Rain

Saturday: Rain

Sunday: Here's a shocker: Rain

Long Term Forecast: More Freakin' Rain.

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SPORTS

METHANE MOTORCYCLE TRAILS THIS WEEK IN SALT LAKE CITY

By Weirdarchive

The third annual North American Methane Motorcycle Races will have its timing trails in at the city limits of Salt Lake City, Utah this week. Cyclists from America, Canada, The Mexican Free States, Baja Republic, Caribbean Commonwealth, and for the first time Japan will be displaying the latest in methane engines and technology at high speed for prizes in categories ranging from the usual racing technique to the best use of methane harvesting, conservation, and safety. This five day event will showcase the best in methane technology from three continents, as well as the gustiest riders from the Wild Lands of the Midwest to the steppes of Tibet. This spin-off of the venerable alternate energy races has been picking up fans at a stunning rate, with over 20,000 to attend the trails alone. Among the contests being staged are stunt riding, dirt racing, and the grueling 48 hour marathon across the Great Lake and surrounding area. The highlight of the event will be the motocross duel between Jerry Po of Chicago and Max "The Maximum" Cortez of Yucatan (Mexican Free States). These two rivals have had it in with each other since the Motocross Riots of 2015 in the Baja Republic, where Max accused Jerry of sabotaging his cycle and causing a seven bike pile-up that nearly crippled him. Bookies in Las Vegas, Atlantic City, Ottawa, and Tokyo have Jerry at a slight advance due to his experience in the salt plains, while those in Blackpool, Paris, and Moscow put Max at 4 to 1 odds. Truly a match worth to watch, as it will be shown live on Cineplex Sports Pay Per View. (Consult listings for airtime and encores.)

Tickets can be bought at any sporting arena complex and Ticketmaster outlet for $18.50 a ticket, limited three tickets per person. Interstate Sector passes must be shown before purchase as per National Emergency Protocols. Consult with your local Military Commission Citizen Advisor for latest updates and changes. Utah Sector Police also advise to be ready for sudden delays due to full body searches against technology theft and industrial sabotage. No one will be admitted into the pit area without valid identification and escort. Mandatory 'Five Year Hard' sentencing will be enforced while the event is being held.

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CLASSIFIEDS

LOST: A notebook filled with poems and stuff. "Ewachsmuth" written on the cover. Here's an example:

Witness the suffering in her eyes

The memories of an existence she despised

Heed the anguish in her voice

The fate of a soul that can not rejoice

Feel the tremors in her hands

Remnants of a tortured youth few can understand

And now, is she back in the den of terror?

And now, was escape just a respite from horror?

And now, will she come back to me?

Will she come back to me?

Will she...

Witness the suffering in my eyes

The memories of an existence I prized

Heed the anguish in my voice

The fate of a soul that can no longer rejoice

Feel the tremors in my hands

And remember that I did understand

If the notebook is yours, and you can identify at least two other poems, you can have it.

FOUND: Large black dog, possibly Rottweiler mix, wearing black leather collar. Extremely territorial. We would like it removed from our residence as soon as possible. Please contact Steve at the Happy Traveler hotel immediately.

POLYGAMIST WANTED:

One husband to serve,

must have style; must have verve

There's five of us wives

The harder to strive

To give 'him' the life he deserves.

FOR SALE: False teeth. Many styles and sizes. Pre-sterilized. Please contact Mary at Seattle General Hospital, basement level.