Cherokee's poem

STREETS OF SEATTLE

(date withheld), 2019

To our readers: The stories appearing in today's STREETS OF SEATTLE have been cleared by the U.S. Army under the provisions of the Martial Law Declaration of 2009 and the National Emergency Declaration of 2010.

Editor in chief: Jennem1

Senior Editor: Daf9

Managing editor: Samcrazy

Chief Reporter: Weirdarchive

Opinions Editor: Shnapzie

Poetry Editor: Ewachsmuth

Entertainment Editor: Jox5

Conspiracy Reporter: Darkknightgg

Contributing Reporter: I_AM_KIMBO

Contributing Reporter: Darkangelbby

Contributing Reporter: Thejerk2K1

Contributing Reporter: Dammachine

Contributing Reporter: Cherokee128

Contributing Reporter: 727Angel

Contributing Reporter: Nikkigirltoo

Chief Financial Officer: Logans_babe

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LOCAL NEWS

UNDERGROUND ORGANIZATION FEARS HOVERDRONES OUT TO GET THEM

By I_AM_KIMBO

They're only there to protect us.

At least, that's what the government and Sector Police claim when the controversial hoverdrones are brought up. We are all acutely aware of their existence, flying around the city and going where Peace Officers cannot, making sure restricted and private areas stay that way and cross-referencing our faces with their extensive database of mug shots to track down wanted criminals and felons. Still, there are those who think these robotic law enforcers are an invasion of privacy and have taken one too many steps over the proverbial line. The now nearly defunct Civil Liberties Union (CLU) has been lobbying for their termination since their conception in the early days of post-Pulse America, and now they may have a new form of ammunition: a group of innocent citizens who've been brought together by the belief that each is being followed by the hoverdrones.

They call themselves the Vision Rebellion, which pertains to their ongoing mission to escape the eyes of their robotic pursuers. The members have agreed to come forward anonymously because they believe that, if the city is made aware of the problem, they can rally support for their cause and help to at least put much-needed restrictions on the hoverdrones.

"They think they can get away with it, man, followin' us like they do," said the group's leader, a twitchy 25-year-old in a black hooded sweatshirt, "but, see, they ain't count on us bein' onto 'em, and that's gonna be what brings 'em down. They spy on us, they spy on more an' more peeps everyday, but the more folks they keepin' tabs on, the more knows about 'em, an' the more we get in this organization, an' the more they settin' themselves up for trouble."

"Theys just needa stop," said a blonde Vision Rebel who looked to be about only 18. "Theys been followin' me and what's left of m' family for 3 or 4 years now. It's creepy. Ya can't go nowheres without lookin' over your shoulder. Ya can't take a step or do the things ya love ta do without worryin' theys gonna git ya on some technicality. And that's really what it's about...theys on our tails so theys can find some reason to bust us, to beat us down, toss us in jail, treat us like the animals theys think us to be. Theys weedin' out anyone who might be a deviant, ya see, the peeps who might take a stand one of these days. When I say 'theys' I mean the government, rich peeps, and Sector Police, of course. It's like you guys pointed out in that article about Memorial Day awhile back...theys got a taste of totalitarianism and theys like it, a lot. I mean, I hear wonderful tales of the democracy and freedom of the pre-Pulse days...theys don't want that to come back. Theys way into the power theys got now. And I say bringing down the hoverdrones, gettin' our privacy back'll bring us one step closer to makin' America into what it was meant to be, all the things theys tryin' to wipe out."

Powerful, poignant words from such a young woman, and the rest of the Rebellion naturally agrees with her sentiments. They believe this is all part of a massive plot to wipe out the old America and keep it in the throes of level 1 government rule. But others see it differently.

We spoke to a few Sector Police and received basically the same answers from each: any innocent who thinks they are being targeted or followed by a hoverdrone is either paranoid and needs to lay off re-runs of 'The X-Files', or is not truly innocent at all. They maintain that the hoverdrones' sole purpose is to help bring criminals to justice and protect our fair city, not to spy or intimidate.

"The notion that we're deploying these as a means of continuing the suffering of the nation is utter nonsense," the Chief of Police stated. "We want to return to the glory days as much as anyone, but we can't do it alone. That's where the hoverdrones come in. They're a tremendous help and any individual who thinks otherwise has been terribly misinformed."

Mr. Jonas Cale, whose company manufactures the chip that allows the drones to fly, declined to comment.

Despite the accusations of paranoia, though, the Vision Rebellion insists that their claims are well founded and the CLU is jumping all over it. Katherine McFallen, the CLU's assistant director, believes they've found exactly what they've been looking for the past several years.

"This is our case's big break," she says. "All we've needed is evidence that these things are out of line. Now we have it. These people are sincerely afraid and it's not hard to tell that they're speaking the truth. Fortunately, I think it's only a matter of time now before none of us will ever have to know that fear again."

The problem with a hoverdrone

It never lets you be alone

Try grabbing your gun

To have some hoverdrone fun

By the time you return the drone has flown

POST PULSE EDUCATION IMPROVES

BY Ewachsmuth

Teachers say education has improved since the eradication of the mandatory school attendance law. Students who do not want to be in school are no longer forced to attend by trustees who have had other duties loaded upon them by the high amount of juvenile court cases these days.

With fewer students came the need for fewer teachers and thus, the most inept teachers were let go. Of course, some of the better ones were also lured away by other countries and industries. Teachers who were interested in teaching just for the money were also forced out of the system when they discovered that governmental redistribution of funds were going less toward education and more toward the repairs needed for the National Power Grid and the military policing of America.

Nevertheless, the teachers remaining are now saying that they are able to teach lessons without the distractions of problem students, and the students remaining are paying more attention.

Parents are also happier with the lower teacher to student ratio in the classrooms and the more individualized treatment their children are receiving.

With fewer supplies on hand and limited resources, teachers are forced to delve into their own inventiveness to teach basic and higher level academic skills. School subjects like computer hacking, virus control, and international languages such as Japanese may be getting more funding, but teachers of math, social studies, English, and science are dealing with the shortages in ways that redeem the collapsed educational system, and make getting an education seem like a worthwhile goal once more.

Said one parent, "It is a shame that it had to come to the pulse to allow my child a better education in America."

MEDICAL CENTER TRASHED

By Samcrazy.

Resources are stretched. Doctors are few and far between, and lets not even think about the lack of equipment. These facts are painfully obvious to those who have wait for care in the small number of hospitals in the area, and even to those who are fortunate enough to be healthy. But some people still insist on trashing and/or raiding the vulnerable spots in Seattle.

Two days ago a small medical center was found to be wrecked, all the contents taken and the resident doctor missing. No evidence of gang work could be found after a complete inspection of the building, and the police department wouldn't release any information on the raid. However, this reporter could dig up the information.

A Dr. Vertes ran this small downtown clinic where she worked especially with clients with muscle problems. According to sources, she had very high prices for her extensive treatment, which, using new and unknown therapy, had a 94.5% success rate. Strangely enough we here at the 'Streets' could not find any information about her history, and no record of where she got her license to practice. There was no record of her on the military databases.

This reporter believes that more is going on here then meets the eye. At the start of the investigation the 'job' looked like a gang's hit and run, but after looking harder into the case it seems that Dr. Vertes is, or was, invisible when researched. Strange? We here at the 'Streets' don't expect any less.

This report has many lose ends that cannot be tied up. And, to make matters worse, we are unable to speculate on whether this is an isolated incident, and will not reoccur. There are no links that we can pick up from this, so this report cannot really be finished.

For the first time this reporter is stumped for leads. So I leave you with one message; Don't be dumb. We need all the help we can get in this dark time, and destroying hospitals doesn't help anything.

STREETS OF SEATTLE CLEANS UP

by Daf9

Over 40 writers from daily newspapers in the Pacific Northwest were honored this week as winners of the 2019 C.B. Blethen Memorial Awards for Distinguished Newspaper Reporting at a ceremony held in Seattle. This was the 43rd consecutive year the awards have been given in memory of C.B. Blethen; the man who published The Seattle Times for 26 years, from 1915 until his death in 1941.

In pre-Pulse days eligibility was restricted to daily papers in the six states (Washington, Oregon, Montana, Idaho, Utah and Alaska) and two Canadian provinces (British Columbia and Alberta) that were members of the Pacific Northwest Association. However, shortly following the Pulse, the Free State of Alaska and the Canadian provinces withdrew from the Association. With the demise of many daily newspapers in the remaining member states the number of eligible papers had dropped dramatically prior to opening the contest to weekly publications in 2012. Since then Streets of Seattle has been a consistent presence at the winners table and for the last 3 years has received more awards than any other paper of its size.

This years winners from Streets of Seattle include:

Our editor Jennem1 who once again will be taking home the award for best editor. Sadly, Ms 1 had to be removed from the winners' table before receiving her award due to the unfortunate consumption of too many herbal gummies. Streets of Seattle Managing Editor SAMCRAZY accepted the award for Jennem.

In an unusual turn of events Managing Editor SAMCRAZY received her own award for reporting. While nominated for several articles she eventually won for a biting piece on food rationing in Seattle.

WEIRDARCHIVES won in two categories: for a series of movie reviews and an article on Powerjacking. With his typical humility WEIRDARCHIVES tried to refuse his award but was dragged kicking and protesting to the podium where he was eventually persuaded by his fellow reporters and his editor that he really deserved this honor. He did however insist that his winners' check be made out to Logans_Babe, the Chief Financial Officer of Streets of Seattle.

JOX5 won for a piece on Seattle's famous cyberhacker Eyes Only.

SHNAPZIE was nominated for several articles but won for her incredibly moving Memorial Day piece.

CHEROKEE128 received her award for an article on Kids' Sports in Seattle.

ANGUSHARDIE was again, nominated for several of his articles but the judges felt his piece on the virgin olive oil theft from the Italian embassy was particularly tasty and thus formed the basis of his award.

EWACHSMUTH received a special award for her poetry.

NINJA650 won an award for his courageous piece on the Seattle Sector Police.

The Dark Knight was given an award for an article presenting evidence that the original moon landing was a hoax.

A number of other Streets of Seattle reporters, including Darkangelbby, Sportzgirl16, Preciousjax, DAF9, Lucifer6Lexi and iluveyesonly, received Honorable Mentions.

The award ceremony was interrupted for a brief time by a disturbance caused when a crazed old man entered the auditorium complaining that he too deserved an award. He was ignored until he started trying to remove people's teeth. The man was then quickly removed by the authorities and latter identified as one DTM. The incident was particularly unfortunate as DTM had indeed been scheduled to receive an award for his report on the cause of the odorous emissions down by the waterfront. That award was instead presented to the runner-up whose name this reporter forgot to record. Mr. M has been remanded to the joint custody of ElfinWorld and Melasand while awaiting trial.

THE TRUTH ABOUT TEETH

By Dammachine

In an earlier story in this newspaper, you may have read a story about a man named DTM who allegedly ran an illegal dental clinic in his basement. This reporter has a statement from the person in question. It reads "It wasn't me". The statement continues on " Really, it wasn't me. It was DMT. That DMT he's no good. I can see how you all became confused and I forgive each and everyone of you."

So as far as this reporter is concerned we have finally got to the bottom of this story and there is no need to investigate further. Nope, no need what so ever. This has been DTM reporting for the Streets of Seattle.

Editor's note: DTM pulled his hand out of his pocket at the time of the news conference, to wave at the press gathered around and several bloody teeth were stuck to his fingers, they fell off as he waved good bye.

Oh what a relief!

DTM's not after teeth

Its some other bloke - er

DMT is the joker

Its not DTM who's the thief!

DAF9

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INTERNATIONAL NEWS

An Olympic update...of sorts.

OLYMPIC PLANNING FALLING APART, MIGHT BE CANCELLED AGAIN!

by Weirdarchive

For almost ten years, the pageantry of the Olympics (both Summer and Winter Games) have been missed on the world's stage...and judging by the lack of enthusiasm, it may be another ten years or more before the Games reappear.

At the International Olympic Committee Headquarters in Geneva, Switzerland, the remaining members couldn't decide on how to reintroduce the Games or which city should host them. The apparent lack of support, financial and political, was evident as protesters mobbed the building and accused the IOC of promoting the evils of globalization and discord. Quite the irony since the Modern Games were founded in 1896 for the purpose of uniting the world in peaceful competition.

Ever since the Pulse and the accompanying conflicts such as Operation Jericho's Wraith and the increasing turmoil with the Republic of Alaska, there have not been any Olympic games staged or planned. In fact, this is the third time in three years that the IOC has met, deliberating on the fate of the Games. The history of the past three games, especially that of the Beijing Games of 2008, has been a factor both in the protests and in the committee's lack of consensus. Many blame the last Summer Olympics, played in the then People's Republic prior to its collapse in 2013, as a possible catalyst for the terrorist EMP weapon which destroyed much of North America's electronic infrastructure and caused the economic chaos which still affects America today. "Those damned Communists played it like it was their own showcase, just like in Berlin 1936." ,a spokesman for the IOC ranted. "That is until they started losing big and then the protesters got out of hand. It got messy close to the end and a lot of nations started with the sable rattling. In a way, the Pulse was more a Godsend because I'd hate to think what might have happened."

More to the heart of the matter is the notable lack of support by most nations, since the Olympics of 2004 Athens and 2006 Torino, Italy were not as big of a television draw as the Beijing Olympics. Then there are the other concerns. "You have to realize the Olympics were just as corporate as many of the big companies that were affected by the Pulse." Dale Van Simmons, American Representative to the IOC, explained to our reporter. "Once the Pulse took out the banks and financial centers, IOC's resources were cut in half. I'm surprised we're still have the main headquarters open. Some of these people haven't been paid in a year. And of course, we have to deal with the more popular sporting events like the Methane Races and Rollerball. If there's no blood or fighting involved, people won't come. Then we have the present political tension. There are countries who wanted to send teams or sponsor the Games, but they can't because they have disputes with other countries. Hell, some are even at war! We've received a few representatives from the Republic of Alaska during the last day of the IOC meeting wanting to have Nome be the next Winter Olympic site, but at present the US doesn't recognize it because it still considers Alaska a state and it's been dealing out pressure to the other countries not to give it diplomatic recognition. Add to that the growing power of the political combines like the European Union and the Asian Co-Prosperity Sphere. Doesn't make any sense for a sprinter from England to race against one from France or Germany because technically they're from the same country! Finally, there's the sobering fact that some countries just don't exist anymore. You're not going to find a team from Saudi or Iraq or Israel or even El Salvador! Those places are gone, gone, gone! You'll be lucky to find many people in them period."

At present, the IOC is being partially funded by the UN under its UNESCO charter owing to the Olympic ideal of peace and education through sport. Some in the General Assembly have voiced opposition of its continual funding due to calls to increase the military budget for the many task forces patrolling the UN Middle East Trusteeship Territory, with wild rumors of a possible return of the Islamic Jihad still circulating in the self-governing areas. A vote has been tabled for now, but the IOC has been actively courting the remaining wealthy nations for a possible grant. So far, only the Hong Kong Independent Trade Zone, Tibet, and Columbia have pledged financial support.

And the problems of The Republic of Alaska just keep getting more interesting!

TENSION BETWEEN 'REPUBLIC' OF ALASKA AND US GROWS, CANADA FEARS FOR ITS SAFETY

by Weirdarchive

Another sign that the self-proclaimed Republic of Alaska refuses to make peace with America occurred on Monday when the President of the rogue state 'Governor' William Hodges presided over the destruction of several tons of US Quarters, some minted in 2008 with the Big Dipper on the back as part of the Statehood Quarter series, in a political rally in the capital of Juneau. The 'Governor', along with his right hand man 'Vice President' Calvin Rutherford, leader of the Nation of Islam Reformed Samantha Adjia (formerly Britney Spears), and commander of the Alaskan Republic Air Home Guard 'Rocking' Billy Phillip Hayes, shoveled a load of US Quarters into a smelter where in the 'Governor's' own words, "the stink of Fed servitude will be reformed into Alaskan freedom by the fires of true democracy." A crowd of thousands cheered as US minted Quarters were tossed into vats awaiting the same fate.

Later in the rally, Hodges and his cohorts distributed the freshly reminted coins to eager citizens. The new coin has the familiar state flag of the Big Dipper, but instead of George Washington's bust in the front, the profile is now of a Bull Terrier named Patsy Ann, a legend in Juneau's folklore as the 'Official Greeter' of many ships that docked in its harbors. "I'd rather have that dog's face looking at me than that old fart Washington," proclaimed Rutherford as he gave out the new coins to a group of workers of the Alaskan Republican Oil Line. Thousands continued to cheer as Hodges unveiled the future currency for the rogue state. Included with the "Patsy" as the citizens are now calling the Alaskan Republic Quarter, there are plans for a penny with a polar bear front, a dime depicting the Iditarod Sled Dog Race, a half dollar with the profile of Edward 'Fighting Eddie' MacNichols, the martyred commander of Alaskan Republic Home Guard who fought against National Guard troops still loyal to America in the Battle of Nome in 2010, and a full dollar with the profile of an unidentified Eskimo. US officials stationed in the American Affairs Office of the Japanese Embassy were stunned by the display and wanton destruction of currency. "I can't believe those idiots would even tried something like that," an unnamed spokesman said. "They still use the same damned paper money and gold that rightfully belongs to the US Treasury. The President and the people will not tolerate this outrage."

Apparently, the rally had another purpose in mind. Shortly after the redistribution of the first run of Patsies, Rutherford announced a new 10 year trade agreement with Russia, Japan, East Timor, and the Philippines, primarily with its valuable oil reserves and gold mining, but also in its growing manufacturing market of hydroponic gardens and long-term storage solar cells.

The revenue being earned will help in the upkeep of the Republic's military, creating its own educational system, restoring the still damaged infrastructure, and expanding its foreign capital basis. Rutherford also promised to have India, the Hong Kong Independent Trade Zone, Australia, Indonesia, and Singapore recognize the rogue state "Come Hell or High Water!", and to forge closer ties with Canada and ask for its mediation in Alaska's wishes to annex the west coasts of Washington and Oregon into 'the Olympia Autonomous Free Trade Zone'.

The Canadian Prime Minister Joshua Arnolds, fresh from his address to the UN General Assembly in their temporary headquarters in Toronto, voiced concerned that the US might take hostile measures in response to the offer, including possible military action. "We can't afford another shooting war." Arnolds said. "This continent has enough problems on its own without some crackpot pouring gasoline into the fire. I wish the Presidents of Alaska and the US could discuss their differences in a calmer setting like the UN rather than taking it to the streets like a couple of thugs." The President and the Supreme Commander of Military Operations for the Restoration of America had no comment on these events as we went into press.

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CONSPIRACY

AREA 51 ALIENS?

By Darkknightgg AKA Spyder

Area 51 is located approximately 80-125 miles Northwest of Las Vegas. At Area 51 the U.S. government is test-flying highly secret BLACK PROJECT aircraft for many years. Many think this includes UFOs.

They call one part of this military site the Groom Dry Lake area. It has been proven that the Stealth and SR 71 projects were built and tested at this part of Area 51. Many people who work in and around the military installation refer to this highly secret areas a "Dreamland" or "Groom Lake."

When saying "Roswell," most people think of aliens. But what if aliens have been on our planet all along, drinking coffee at Area 51? Don't stop reading just yet. Many know about the base. It is in fact the most "unsecret" secret base in the world today. Everybody knows it's whereabouts but no one knows of what happens inside. I dare anyone to try to get to the base. (editor's note: please do not do this) It's impossible to do. You won't even make it to the fence area without being stopped, shot or killed.

Yes, they have legal right to kill you. If his base is just normal, what's with all the Restricted Area signs and the guys patrolling the base in jeeps? If there is nothing to be seen, why is the base expanding, taking a way all possible views of the base from the near by mountains?

The "Cammo dudes" as locals call them patrol the area and try to avoid contact. If you cross the border, you will get at minimum receive a $600 fine and jail sentence. The US Government has only recently acknowledged the "fact of the existence" of this facility, despite ample publicity and abundant speculation over the past decades.

Lazar was the first worker of Area 51 to go public with any inside information, first making his claims in a locally televised interview. Lazer had detailed information on exactly where many special crafts were. He convinced many about Area 51's secrets and was the one who started all the speculation. The interesting factor of Lazer is not thathe can't prove much, but that hewas the first to get the media attention about the base. It was Lazer and the government squaring off against each other. Guess who won? And where is Lazer now?

Many tourists have been coming to the public lands closest to the base, to try to catch glimpses of alien craft in flight. Many believe that they have seen UFOs there, but there are so many UFO-like natural and military phenomena on display that its hard to separate the wheat from the chaff.

So what do you guys think? All a big hoax or legit?

Join me next week for "Conspiracy Theories: Big Foot"

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ADVERTISEMENT

HOW TO TURN YOUR COLD DIRTY FEET INTO COOL CLEAN CASH

By Thejerk2k1

The good people at Canada Corp. want you to enroll in this one of a kind deal.

All the rich snooty Canadians have been having outbreaks of new strains of foot diseases such as plastenemotosis(toe rot) and octonemotosis(skunk foot). Mexican doctors need training to respond to the Canadian crisis, and you can take advantage of it. This three-week program offers foot care given by the best doctors in Mexico! Now is your chance to cash in on their unsightly tootsies. Isn't it about time that your feet start carrying their own weight? Don't delay, come into today!

Disclaimer: By reading this article you have agreed that Canada Corp. is not liable for gross negligence resulting in foot loss or death. You also may be subject to radical new experimental programs such as the foot transplant procedure.

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LETTERS TO THE EDITOR

Dear Editor,

Bravo to actresses Neve Campbell and Denise Richards for defying this silly, unwarranted prohibition against Genetucking. From the point of view of an evolutionary biologist there is no rational reason why this procedure should be banned. To the moralists and religious zealots concerned about "playing God" I say you should be far more worried about techniques that alter the germ line. In vitro fertilization, cloning, modifying sperm and egg DNA in the effort to create a more "perfect" child and even the old fashioned use of anonymous sperm donation are of far more danger to the human gene pool than Genetucking. Modifying somatic cells by Genetucking does not affect future generations. And the disappearance of government support of the elderly through programs such as Medicare and Medicaid means there is not even a compelling financial reason to prohibit those who have the interest and the cash in undergoing rejuvenation therapy. While I agree with your reporter WEIRDARCHIVES that there are potentially some risks of creating new viral epidemics these risks would be minimized by strict scrutiny of the laboratories and procedures and that requires legalization. America has gone thorough similar debates many times before over among other things the legalization of abortion or the use of stem cells harvested from embryos discarded by in vitro fertilization clinics. In every case the decision has eventually been made that it is better to legalize the technology and subject it to government oversight than to let it continue unfettered behind closed doors. And to those who feel that genetic engineering for merely cosmetic purposes is somehow less worthy than for correcting serious diseases I can only say that we have been torturing animals for over a century for merely cosmetic purposes. At least these actresses chose to participate in this procedure and benefited from it, unlike the thousands upon thousands of rabbits who were sacrificed to ensure that your shampoo is everything it's supposed to be.

I can only suppose those who are ineligible for the Genetucking procedure due to either financial or medical constraints want it banned because they are jealous. As for me, I'm saving my dollars for a trip to the Eros Clinic

Dear Editor,

Please forward the following to Steve at the Happy Traveler hotel who found the dog that was possibly a Rottweiller mix.

We had a Rottweiler/poodle named Fluffy

Her demeanor was unfortunately huffy

While her loss was of concern

We don't want her returned

As we now have a pit bull named Muffy.

Dear Editor,

My youngest sister's brother-in-law's ex- mother-in-law told her next door neighbor who told a guy at work who passed the message on to his gardener who told his wife who told her hairdresser who is married to MY dentist that some guy named DMT or DTM or something like that has been running around Seattle practicing illegal dentistry and stealing teeth. But then I read in Streets of Seattle that it's true...and everyone knows you should never believe anything you read in the newspaper. What am I to think now?

Dear Reporter Shnapzie,

If your tires combust

Don't give up in disgust

There are plenty of buyers

For exploding tires

Although they're probably not people you should trust.

Dear Editor,

A cupel a weeks a go, I winned an award for my poetry, and I felted just plain awfull with meself cuz I foundt this note type book, and I tooked a poem from it like it was mine or sumthin. Well, the book was by the trash can, rite their by my box, like a gift or sumthin. You guys tried to give me some sgetti and kool-aid, but I couldn't of took it. I decided to reedeen meself and writed a lost n found note, but some goof there said my name was on it. Nope, that's not ture. It sayz on the covr L.C. and FREEDOM. I know your bit on "plagiarism" was to me, and I wante to say im sorry. Here's another of the guy's poems, maybe he can recugneyes it and see its his.

Surrealistic waves of suppressed hysteria

Wash over my universe

And summon me to my knees

It shakes me and delivers me frozen

Upon spiritless frigid ground

Like a newborn baby, unable to care for myself

And the world melts and withdraws from me

Only to come back and b!tch-slap my face

But I don't feel it, don't feel it at all

And I wonder how are you?

Sincerly,

EWACHSMUTH

Dear Editor,

Re SAMCRAZY'S report in this weeks SOS

Citizens' action committees'

Reputation's are shot; more's the pity

Is it really a mob?

Or someone doing a job

To improve life here in the city?

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PETS

LIONS AND TIGERS OH MY!

By Darkangelbby

In the ritzy high-rise section of the city, African lions and Bengal and Siberian tigers have be come a popular household pet. The family gets a cub from the local zoo, who is happy to get rid of the expensive beast, and trains and tames it. Most families get young cubs that are still nursing from the mother. The family takes turns feeding the cub, gaining a trusting relationship. This rewards the kids, and the parents. Instead of buying a guard dog, which no one really fears anymore, the family has a lioness, lion, tigress, or tiger to watch over the family. These big cats are actually very loyal, and the tigers are even considered lifeguards.

One family says, "Little Gouiarfd fell into the pool and was drowning! We were ever so worried, but I had just had my nails done and my husband was getting his eyebrows plucked. We were almost about to call Fernando, the pool boy, when Fluffy, our Siberian tigress, jumped into the pool, swam underneath Gouiarfd, and pulled her to shore. Fluffy had an extra helping of raw cow that night."

Back to the guard situation, one family remarks, " We believe that lions can sense evil and distrust a person who is a treat to the family. Our two lions, Snowball (the white female) and Mr. Chuckles; (the male who when he roars, sounds like he's laughing), were friendly to all of our servants except for one, Eduardo, the butler. They kept their eyes on him wereever he went. Come to find out, he was actually going to kill us and take all of our money. When he tried to carry out his plan, the lions tore him apart and feasted on his remains. At least we think that's what happened.

So there you have it folks. Are lions and tigers actually the next cats, dogs, and fishes? Maybe, if you are a millionaire.

NEFARIOUS USES OF PETS IN POST-PULSE AMERICA

DAF9

In recent years, police have seen a significant increase in canine crime. In the golden days of the late 20th-early 21st century, illegal activities committed by animals consisted largely of dogs biting humans or emptying trash cans. The Pulse changed all that. Desperate people are either training or purchasing dogs to carry out a variety of illegal activities, mostly involving theft. We have all heard about the chicken-stealing Chihuahuas, but this particular activity is just the tip of the iceberg.

Just last month, the sector police rounded up a ring of log-snatching Sharpeis who were taking fuel from the homeless living down by the waterfront. The Sharpeis were trained to sneak up on the wood piles found beside most burning trash cans, freezing in place every few yards, preferably in a pile of discarded rags. Sharpeis naturally resemble discarded furs. Once the attention of the owner of the wood pile was distracted, the dog would grab a log and return to its master.

Several rather curious incidents have also been reported in which dog/monkey teams accost individuals and steal their blood. The modus operandi in this case has been for the dog (generally a member of one of the larger breeds such as Great Danes or Irish wolfhounds), carrying the monkey on his back, to run full tilt into an adult human being, knocking him or her to the ground. While the person struggles to regain his footing, the monkey inserts a needle into a vein withdrawing blood into a standard vacutainer. The animals generally manage to escape successfully. The purpose to this exercise has yet to be determined but some feel it may be an attempt to obtain samples from the rare adult individuals whom rumors have indicated contain circulating embryonic stem cells in their blood.

And just to show that human efforts to commit crimes using animals is not restricted to dogs, there was also a report from about six weeks ago about a cat breeder trying to compete with the chicken stealing Chihuahuas by training felines to steal Cornish game hens. Unfortunately, not only are Cornish game hens almost unheard-of in post-pulse Seattle but when one of the cats did manage to find a game hen, it invariably consumed the bird before returning to the owner. Any cat owner could have predicted that one.

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TRAVEL

10 DEAD GIVEAWAYS THAT YOU ARE AN AMERICAN

(part of our Becoming a Canadian series)

By DAF9

1. Hork at the mention of beaver tails.

2. Try explaining to the government that taxation is illegal.

3. Think there is hockey other than ice hockey.

4. Don't know the punchline to the joke "the largest animal in Canada is the moose because..."

5. Believe senators are elected government representatives rather than hockey players.

6. Are convinced of the existence of condiments other than maple syrup and ketchup.

7. Believe the British lost the War of 1812.

8. Can't recite the I am Canadian commercial.

9. Are incapable of debating the relative merits of Labatts versus Molsons.

10. Spend your time in Toronto looking for Eskimos and Igloos.

11. Prefer something other than Bob as an alternative name for the North West Territories. [ This one is real guys. In a vote to change the name of the NWT, NWT won but Bob came in second. Despite the weather, those folks have a sense of humor.]

RELATIVE MERITS OF MEXICO VS. CANADA FOR AMERICANS SEEKING TO ESCAPE POST-PULSE USA

By DAF9

The following quiz was designed to determine whether you would be happier as an ex-patriot American in Canada or Mexico.

1. When you wake up in the morning and look outside your bedroom window, which would you prefer to see?

huge piles of snow---- 1 point

a cactus----- 0 point

2. In the event of a building falling on your foot are you likely to yell

S**t---- 1 point

Ch!ng@te--- 0 points [if this is inappropriate I apologize: I don't speak Spanish]

3. After a hard day at work do you prefer to pop the cap on a Molsons or a Dos Equis?

Molsons--- 1 point

Dos Equis--- 0 point

4. Would you rather swim in the Gulf of Mexico or Great Bear Lake?

Gulf--- 0 point

Great Bear Lake--- 1 point

5. On a hike would you rather be confronted by a grizzly bear or a Western Coral snake?

Grizzly--- 1 point

Snake--- 0 point

6. For breakfast would you rather consume a peameal bacon sandwich or a taco?

Peameal bacon--- 1 point

Taco--- 0 point

4 or more points you should head north. Less than 3, you're bound for Mexico.

3 or 4 you should either stay put or head to England.

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ENTERTAINMENT

BACKSTREET BOYS IN CAR CRASH

By JOX5

Yesterday evening, the Backstreet Boys were in a terrible accident. Their tour bus was hit by a car and then rolled over into a ditch and burst into flames. Nick suffered second degree burns, and A.J broke his arm.

The Boys were on their way to Portland, the final stop on the reunion tour, when it all happened. Three cars were following behind the bus. All at once they tried to force the bus off the road. The first car got ahead of the bus and stopped in the middle of the road, and then the other two cars got beside the bus to stop it from getting by. The bus was not able to stop fast enough, so it swerved sideways into the ditch, hitting the side of car one. When the bus rolled over and caught fire, all three cars left the scene.

Lucky for the Boys, there were enough other fans following behind the bus to save them. The three cars were stopped in Seattle and all nine kids inside have been charged with dangerous driving causing harm.

Nick is expected to be out of hospital in 4-5 months. For now the Backstreet Boys are making no plans for another tour.

SEATTLE'S BARS: ARE THEY THE PLACE TO GO?

By Samcrazy

More and more people are flocking to places where they can get away from the harsh reality outside, and it seems that some of Seattle's bars are growing in popularity everyday. We surveyed a wide range of bars and pubs where the young and old alike say are the best in Seattle. We chose the three best ones.

First we reviewed a bar called: 'Frogspawn'

This is a very popular place in the west of downtown Seattle: next to a block of old apartment blocks. Don't let the outside fool you, inside there are brightly colored banners, a long bar and a nonstop disco. The place is littered with tables, all occupied by various groups, selling goods between. The atmosphere is charged with excitement and laughter, the only rule in this place is to leave the post-pulse life outside. The bar serves the whole range of drinks, all surprisingly legal. Frogspawn is a great place to go if you want to forget the problems outside, and not using the drugs that tend to float about in this establishment. All in all, if you watch out for the drug lords, you should enjoy a good night out here.

Next we looked around: 'Crash'

As soon as you walk down the street loud rock music hits you face on. Inside it's a crowded environment, but that's its charm. A big screen TV is the main attraction with a bar right next to it. There are plenty of tables around everywhere, with a raised platform for more space. Jam Pony representatives are everywhere, and one in particular called 'Sketchy' seems to be the primary source of entertainment, performing stunts on the fat wooden bar. This place serves the best beer this reporter has had in a long time, all the patrons of Crash agree. Crash has a friendly group of regulars with a bartender who will lend you an ear if needed. It looks clean, before and after researching into drug activity in the area. Crash is located near Seattle's main port.

Third surveyed bar was: 'Friends United'

After the pulse most of the high-tech lighting and sound systems had to go in order to get the place up and running again, but Friends United has bounced back after a 2 year improvement period. It lost it's 'gay' image and now it is a great place to hang out if you want to chat and party. Cocktails are the best drinks to get here; the beer lets this bar down. Friends United is a good place to stop and relax. Music is played nonstop from 6:00pm to 2:00 in the morning and the dance floor is always full of partygoers who just want to have fun. Enjoy a long night and sleep afterwards, I guarantee you'll need it!

After this review this report feels that all the theme bars looked at deserved acclaim. They have brighten up the lives of those who seemed to suffer after the pulse wiped out such luxuries as the internet and free TV. I give all these bars a thumbs up.

1. The 'Full Belly'

2. The 'Hieroglyphic Gorge'

3. The 'Clock and Crash'

4. The 'Urban Chicks Restaurant and Pub'

5. The 'Ball Park'

6. The 'Optical Amazement bar'

7. The 'Byte and Go'

MOVIES

By Weirdarchive

On Cineplex, Canada:

MY EYES GO GRAY 4: THE SHAMEFULNESS OF BLOOD, 2006, starring Yukie Nakama, Kei Mizutani, and Han Suk-gyu. Directed by Norio Tsuruta. Unrated. The GRAY movies are one of the few horror series that deals with the political horrors with the same intensity as it does the paranormal. This sequel is no exception, as it calls upon Japan's self-denial of its war crimes during WWII and how its self delusion haunts the generations that follow with increasing alarm. Told in a generational line, this story deals with an atrocity in Northern China where the Japanese Occupational Army wipes out an entire village simply because a high official wanted his daughter to have a place to play in. The ghosts of the murdered villagers begin to haunt the girl and her family across the decades. Certain periods of history are reviewed as the girl's daughter (Nakama) is paralyzed with the fear of crowds during the 1964 Tokyo Summer Olympics as she sees the ghosts taunting her from completing her event, the 800 Meter Race. The next chapter is set in 1987 with her offspring (Mizutani) is in turn troubled by voices and the sounds of gunfire as she tries to finish a painting which slowly transforms from an idyllic pasture scene to the very village in China which was burned to the ground. Finally in the year 2004, the grandson and last surviving (and sane) member of the family (Suk-gyu) must come to terms with his kin's crime as he does a documentary about Japan's war crimes for an Australian television station, with many of the remaining soldiers who carried out the orders unable and unwilling to confess their guilt...until the spirits of the dead villagers and those who were killed during Japan's involvement in World War II come in to pronounce their judgment and pardon the grandson for his selfless act to make amends. Many credit this film as well as the book GUILTY BY MY BLOOD AND DEEDS, a detailed account of the occupation of China by some of the troops willing to talk about their deeds, for Japan's eventual admission of its war crime past and its belated attempts to make amends. The subject is taboo even now in Japanese culture, in spite of recent events. Some Japanese, even now, are more willing to condemn America for its Internment Camps and Atomic Bombings of Hiroshima and Nagasaki than their own country's biowar experiments on Chinese and Allied war prisoners and civilians. Truly a study of guilt and redemption. Awarded the Fangoria Golden Chain Saw for Best Foreign Horror Film, the Independent Spirit Award for Best Picture, and the Holocaust War Memorial Portrait of Truth and Courage for its openness of the Japanese atrocities in World War II. Contains violence, nudity, profanity, and acts of degradation. Parents Strongly Cautioned.

BIGGIE GETS HIS!, 2010, starring Jennifer Aniston, Brad Pitt, and Reese Witherspoon. Directed by Kevin Bright. Rated R. Granted, this film isn't the best of Brad Pitt's career (His work in SE7EN, FIGHT CLUB, and EMBRACING MOONLIGHT far outshines this particular work.), but it has some moments. Pitt plays Biggie Walkens, a semi-hustler of the Bronx trying to make his big score with the local mobsters...much to the dismay and disapproval of his masseuse girlfriend Melody (played by his then-wife Aniston). Trouble soon follows Biggie in a big way when he's asked to escort the head modster's mail order bride/mistress (Witherspoon) to a party where some of the city's finest are attending with warrants for his arrest. Naturally, mistakes are made and Biggie has to deal with the cops, the mob, an outraged girlfriend, and one very horny woman who intends on fulfilling her fantasy of a threesome even as guns are blazing. Most of the slapstick comedy falls flat and Aniston's reluctance to do a lesbian scene with Witherspoon (who also had problems with the nude love scenes and the Estonian accent)shows, but Pitt manages to hold his own well. This film is for many Pitt buffs who like him in anything he stars in...with exception of SNATCH, but that's another review. Contains nudity, profanity, violence, and comedic sex. Parents Strongly Cautioned.

RAPTURE IN BLUE AND RED, 2005, starring Bridget Fonda, Mark Wahlberg, Jet Li, and Dwayne Johnson. Directed by John Woo. Rated PG-13. A reunion of sorts for Fonda and Li, who did KISS OF THE DRAGON four years ago, in basically the same kind of thriller only with a time difference. The movie is set in late 19th Century Japan just as it was making itself more open to foreigners. Fonda plays the American ambassador's daughter who is kidnapped by forces of a warlord who doesn't wish for his country's continued good relations with 'the barbarians'. Her fiancé (Wahlberg) teams up with an Imperial Palace guard (Li) and a never-do-well Scotsman (Johnson) to search the countryside for his lover and take down the warlord's army any way he can. The fight scenes alone are poetry in motion, even when the acting is more like a lead balloon at times. Johnson does his best work in that time here, mastering the accent, the language, and the martial arts with near uncanny precision. Li was so impressed with his co-star, he insisted on making him the lead in his directing debut a year later entitled HONG KONG MELODIES, a comedic action farce based in 1920s Hong Kong. Fonda's a little too old to play young belles by this time (she was about 40 at this time.), but her beauty shines well in the background. Wahlberg has some trouble making his fight scenes convincing, but for the most part he pulls it off. This is an action adventure free-for-all, one of the more better written and performed films of its type at the time. Fans will not be disappointed. Contains brief nudity, violence, profanity, and racial slurs. Parental guidance is recommended for up to 15 year olds.

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FEATURES

HOW TO SURVIVE THE POST-PULSE DEPRESSION TIP OF THE DAY

By SHNAPZIE

So, you're relaxing in your building (either legally or illegally) when you realize that your exterminator was probably a bit tipsy when he fumigated it. You hear a horrible squeeek and see a set of evil red eyes. But instead of totally flipping out over the rat, you whistle. And around the corner comes a flying ball of fur with four legs. It grabs the rat around the neck, trots over into the hall, and deposits it in the apartment of nosy Mrs. Lumberghini down the hall who so foolishly left her door open.

Isn't this a pleasant fantasy? Well, here's how you turn this fantasy into reality. There's a little studio down in sector 2 called "Canine Companions for the Concerned-About-Hanta-Virus Citizen." The gentleman you find there runs a vigorous dog training program for any who can afford his price: $1000, a bottle of pre-pulse wine, or news of government conspiracies.

So run down to the local animal shelter and pick up your new pet. Then send him to school. It's a handy investment--he'll get rid of rats, provide you with heat at night, and serve as a garbage disposal. And if you need to feel good about yourself, you've also saved a life.

DESERT RUNNER

By Cherokee128

Muscles rippling in streaming sunlight

Dancing a dance a thousand years old

Running or freedom, running for life

Pounding the ground running faster than light

He stops suddenly, dirt flies up, spraying the sky

I see a gleam in his eyes

A danger, a warning, calling me in

Then he turns and runs off into the setting sun

I stand and watch, frozen to the spot where I first found myself

Than a piercing whinny breaks my silence, and I know I am home.

HOROSCOPES

Today if you're an ARIES

You'll be eaten by canaries

While if you're a Pisces

Expect unending crises

And be careful about who you marries.

If you're one of the chorus

Whose sign is TAURUS

Your day will be full

So don't take no bull

Especially if your boss is named Boris.

Its big trouble you're in

Ms. GEMINI twin

Ask any pundit

You shouldn't have doned it

Heaven only knows where it's been.

CANCER: Happy Birthday to you...you may have heard this recently or are going to hear it soon. Don't expect everyone to get you the perfect gift (or any gift). Now relax and have a good time while it lasts.

LEO The positioning of Mercury bodes ill for bodily issues. This is not a good time to visit a doctor, hospital, or back-alley practitioner. Keep tabs on your internal organs and avoid anyone carrying a scalpel. Best day to change residences: Monday. Best day to eat chicken: Thursday. Lucky numbers: 1 14 82 -14 43

VIRGO: The planets advise you to pitch in with the gardening this months as all of your property will be covered in 12" of water. You will feel a bit weird in the coming days as you have been relaxing too much recently with a close Cancer friend. It is a great time for: Kissing turkeys. Best chat up line to use: 'I've lost my teddy bear, can I sleep with you?' and 'My love for you is like diarrhea, I just can't keep it in.'

LIBRA: Due to the shift in the Earth's position in the universe and the complete mess-up of stars this is a good time to practice earthquake drills. Remember to wear A LOT of sweaters this month because you will be going to a very cold place very soon. Black is your color this month, and don't hold back on the tears. Best sport to play: American wrestling. Best time to buy a tea bag

strainer: Tomorrow night at 5:07pm.

If you're a SCORPIO, rejoice

raise up your voice

join your company band

as your boss demands

tomorrow you won't have a choice.

Today is your day, SAGGITARIUS

For being a little bit nefarious

Act like a jerk

Stay home from work

And bother your favorite Aquarius.

CAPRICORN: If you are reading this something is very, VERY wrong. According to the stars you should be dead or in a coma.

Warning : AQUARIUS

Your day is precarious

Stay away from ladders

And all important matters

Especially those involving Sagittarius.

PISCES: Do to the shift in the lunar/solar pattern, you will become... IRESISTABLE! You will make a Leo's lucky day, but watch out for those pesky Libras. Best day to brush teeth: Saturday. Worst day to smile: Friday.

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CLASSIFIEDS

USED wheelchair for sale: Ultra-lightweight, black Quickie GPS, like new, used for less than a yr. Also basketball wheelchair, used only once. Contact Logan, Fogle Towers Seattle.

WANTED Medical equipment. Working or near-working condition. No questions asked, top prices paid. Contact Dr. John Smith, 555-1847.

FOUND: Large box containing thousands of marbles. Please send inquiries to blind box 342.