STREETS OF SEATTLE
(date withheld), 2019
To our readers: The stories
appearing in today's STREETS OF SEATTLE have been cleared by the U.S. Army
under the provisions of the Martial Law Declaration of 2009 and the National
Emergency Declaration of 2010.
Editor in chief: Jennem1
Senior Editor: Daf9
Managing editor: Samcrazy
Chief Reporter: Weirdarchive
Opinions Editor: Shnapzie
Poetry Editor: Ewachsmuth
Entertainment Editor: Jox5
Conspiracy Reporter: Darkknightgg
Contributing Reporter: I_AM_KIMBO
Contributing Reporter: Darkangelbby
Contributing Reporter: Thejerk2K1
Contributing Reporter: Dammachine
Contributing Reporter: Cherokee128
Contributing Reporter: 727Angel
Contributing Reporter: Nikkigirltoo
Chief Financial Officer: Logans_babe
**********************************************
LOCAL NEWS
UNDERGROUND ORGANIZATION FEARS HOVERDRONES OUT TO GET THEM
By I_AM_KIMBO
They're only there to
protect us.
At least, that's what
the government and Sector Police claim when the controversial hoverdrones are
brought up. We are all acutely aware of their existence, flying around the city
and going where Peace Officers cannot, making sure restricted and private areas
stay that way and cross-referencing our faces with their extensive database of
mug shots to track down wanted criminals and felons. Still, there are those who
think these robotic law enforcers are an invasion of privacy and have taken one
too many steps over the proverbial line. The now nearly defunct Civil Liberties
Union (CLU) has been lobbying for their termination since their conception in
the early days of post-Pulse America, and now they may have a new form of
ammunition: a group of innocent citizens who've been brought together by the
belief that each is being followed by the hoverdrones.
They call themselves the
Vision Rebellion, which pertains to their ongoing mission to escape the eyes of
their robotic pursuers. The members have agreed to come forward anonymously
because they believe that, if the city is made aware of the problem, they can
rally support for their cause and help to at least put much-needed restrictions
on the hoverdrones.
"They think they
can get away with it, man, followin' us like they do," said the group's
leader, a twitchy 25-year-old in a black hooded sweatshirt, "but, see,
they ain't count on us bein' onto 'em, and that's gonna be what brings 'em
down. They spy on us, they spy on more an' more peeps everyday, but the more
folks they keepin' tabs on, the more knows about 'em, an' the more we get in
this organization, an' the more they settin' themselves up for trouble."
"Theys just needa
stop," said a blonde Vision Rebel who looked to be about only 18.
"Theys been followin' me and what's left of m' family for 3 or 4 years
now. It's creepy. Ya can't go nowheres without lookin' over your shoulder. Ya
can't take a step or do the things ya love ta do without worryin' theys gonna
git ya on some technicality. And that's really what it's about...theys on our
tails so theys can find some reason to bust us, to beat us down, toss us in
jail, treat us like the animals theys think us to be. Theys weedin' out anyone
who might be a deviant, ya see, the peeps who might take a stand one of these
days. When I say 'theys' I mean the government, rich peeps, and Sector Police,
of course. It's like you guys pointed out in that article about Memorial Day
awhile back...theys got a taste of totalitarianism and theys like it, a lot. I
mean, I hear wonderful tales of the democracy and freedom of the pre-Pulse
days...theys don't want that to come back. Theys way into the power theys got
now. And I say bringing down the hoverdrones, gettin' our privacy back'll bring
us one step closer to makin' America into what it was meant to be, all the
things theys tryin' to wipe out."
Powerful, poignant words
from such a young woman, and the rest of the Rebellion naturally agrees with
her sentiments. They believe this is all part of a massive plot to wipe out the
old America and keep it in the throes of level 1 government rule. But others
see it differently.
We spoke to a few Sector
Police and received basically the same answers from each: any innocent who
thinks they are being targeted or followed by a hoverdrone is either paranoid
and needs to lay off re-runs of 'The X-Files', or is not truly innocent at all.
They maintain that the hoverdrones' sole purpose is to help bring criminals to
justice and protect our fair city, not to spy or intimidate.
"The notion that
we're deploying these as a means of continuing the suffering of the nation is
utter nonsense," the Chief of Police stated. "We want to return to
the glory days as much as anyone, but we can't do it alone. That's where the
hoverdrones come in. They're a tremendous help and any individual who thinks
otherwise has been terribly misinformed."
Mr. Jonas Cale, whose
company manufactures the chip that allows the drones to fly, declined to
comment.
Despite the accusations
of paranoia, though, the Vision Rebellion insists that their claims are well
founded and the CLU is jumping all over it. Katherine McFallen, the CLU's
assistant director, believes they've found exactly what they've been looking
for the past several years.
"This is our case's
big break," she says. "All we've needed is evidence that these things
are out of line. Now we have it. These people are sincerely afraid and it's not
hard to tell that they're speaking the truth. Fortunately, I think it's only a
matter of time now before none of us will ever have to know that fear
again."
The problem with a
hoverdrone
It never lets you be
alone
Try grabbing your gun
To have some hoverdrone
fun
By the time you return
the drone has flown
POST PULSE EDUCATION IMPROVES
BY Ewachsmuth
Teachers say education
has improved since the eradication of the mandatory school attendance law.
Students who do not want to be in school are no longer forced to attend by
trustees who have had other duties loaded upon them by the high amount of
juvenile court cases these days.
With fewer students came
the need for fewer teachers and thus, the most inept teachers were let go. Of
course, some of the better ones were also lured away by other countries and
industries. Teachers who were interested in teaching just for the money were
also forced out of the system when they discovered that governmental
redistribution of funds were going less toward education and more toward the
repairs needed for the National Power Grid and the military policing of
America.
Nevertheless, the
teachers remaining are now saying that they are able to teach lessons without
the distractions of problem students, and the students remaining are paying
more attention.
Parents are also happier
with the lower teacher to student ratio in the classrooms and the more
individualized treatment their children are receiving.
With fewer supplies on
hand and limited resources, teachers are forced to delve into their own
inventiveness to teach basic and higher level academic skills. School subjects
like computer hacking, virus control, and international languages such as
Japanese may be getting more funding, but teachers of math, social studies,
English, and science are dealing with the shortages in ways that redeem the
collapsed educational system, and make getting an education seem like a
worthwhile goal once more.
Said one parent,
"It is a shame that it had to come to the pulse to allow my child a better
education in America."
By Samcrazy.
Resources are stretched. Doctors are few and far between, and lets not even think about the lack of equipment. These facts are painfully obvious to those who have wait for care in the small number of hospitals in the area, and even to those who are fortunate enough to be healthy. But some people still insist on trashing and/or raiding the vulnerable spots in Seattle.
Two days ago a small medical center was found to be wrecked, all the contents taken and the resident doctor missing. No evidence of gang work could be found after a complete inspection of the building, and the police department wouldn't release any information on the raid. However, this reporter could dig up the information.
A Dr. Vertes ran this small downtown clinic where she worked especially with clients with muscle problems. According to sources, she had very high prices for her extensive treatment, which, using new and unknown therapy, had a 94.5% success rate. Strangely enough we here at the 'Streets' could not find any information about her history, and no record of where she got her license to practice. There was no record of her on the military databases.
This reporter believes that more is going on here then meets the eye. At the start of the investigation the 'job' looked like a gang's hit and run, but after looking harder into the case it seems that Dr. Vertes is, or was, invisible when researched. Strange? We here at the 'Streets' don't expect any less.
This report has many lose ends that cannot be tied up. And, to make matters worse, we are unable to speculate on whether this is an isolated incident, and will not reoccur. There are no links that we can pick up from this, so this report cannot really be finished.
For the first time this reporter is stumped for leads. So I leave you with one message; Don't be dumb. We need all the help we can get in this dark time, and destroying hospitals doesn't help anything.
STREETS OF SEATTLE CLEANS UP
by Daf9
Over 40 writers from
daily newspapers in the Pacific Northwest were honored this week as winners of
the 2019 C.B. Blethen Memorial Awards for Distinguished Newspaper Reporting at
a ceremony held in Seattle. This was the 43rd consecutive year the awards have
been given in memory of C.B. Blethen; the man who published The Seattle Times
for 26 years, from 1915 until his death in 1941.
In pre-Pulse days
eligibility was restricted to daily papers in the six states (Washington,
Oregon, Montana, Idaho, Utah and Alaska) and two Canadian provinces (British
Columbia and Alberta) that were members of the Pacific Northwest Association.
However, shortly following the Pulse, the Free State of Alaska and the Canadian
provinces withdrew from the Association. With the demise of many daily
newspapers in the remaining member states the number of eligible papers had
dropped dramatically prior to opening the contest to weekly publications in 2012.
Since then Streets of Seattle has been a consistent presence at the winners
table and for the last 3 years has received more awards than any other paper of
its size.
This years winners from
Streets of Seattle include:
Our editor Jennem1 who
once again will be taking home the award for best editor. Sadly, Ms 1 had to be
removed from the winners' table before receiving her award due to the
unfortunate consumption of too many herbal gummies. Streets of Seattle Managing
Editor SAMCRAZY accepted the award for Jennem.
In an unusual turn of
events Managing Editor SAMCRAZY received her own award for reporting. While
nominated for several articles she eventually won for a biting piece on food
rationing in Seattle.
WEIRDARCHIVES won in two
categories: for a series of movie reviews and an article on Powerjacking. With
his typical humility WEIRDARCHIVES tried to refuse his award but was dragged
kicking and protesting to the podium where he was eventually persuaded by his
fellow reporters and his editor that he really deserved this honor. He did
however insist that his winners' check be made out to Logans_Babe, the Chief
Financial Officer of Streets of Seattle.
JOX5 won for a piece on
Seattle's famous cyberhacker Eyes Only.
SHNAPZIE was nominated for
several articles but won for her incredibly moving Memorial Day piece.
CHEROKEE128 received her
award for an article on Kids' Sports in Seattle.
ANGUSHARDIE was again,
nominated for several of his articles but the judges felt his piece on the
virgin olive oil theft from the Italian embassy was particularly tasty and thus
formed the basis of his award.
EWACHSMUTH received a
special award for her poetry.
NINJA650 won an award
for his courageous piece on the Seattle Sector Police.
The Dark Knight was given
an award for an article presenting evidence that the original moon landing was
a hoax.
A number of other
Streets of Seattle reporters, including Darkangelbby, Sportzgirl16,
Preciousjax, DAF9, Lucifer6Lexi and iluveyesonly, received Honorable Mentions.
The award ceremony was
interrupted for a brief time by a disturbance caused when a crazed old man
entered the auditorium complaining that he too deserved an award. He was
ignored until he started trying to remove people's teeth. The man was then
quickly removed by the authorities and latter identified as one DTM. The
incident was particularly unfortunate as DTM had indeed been scheduled to
receive an award for his report on the cause of the odorous emissions down by
the waterfront. That award was instead presented to the runner-up whose name
this reporter forgot to record. Mr. M has been remanded to the joint custody of
ElfinWorld and Melasand while awaiting trial.
THE TRUTH ABOUT TEETH
By Dammachine
In an earlier story in
this newspaper, you may have read a story about a man named DTM who allegedly
ran an illegal dental clinic in his basement. This reporter has a statement
from the person in question. It reads "It wasn't me". The statement
continues on " Really, it wasn't me. It was DMT. That DMT he's no good. I
can see how you all became confused and I forgive each and everyone of you."
So as far as this
reporter is concerned we have finally got to the bottom of this story and there
is no need to investigate further. Nope, no need what so ever. This has been DTM reporting for the Streets
of Seattle.
Editor's note: DTM
pulled his hand out of his pocket at the time of the news conference, to wave
at the press gathered around and several bloody teeth were stuck to his
fingers, they fell off as he waved good bye.
Oh what a relief!
DTM's not after teeth
Its some other bloke -
er
DMT is the joker
Its not DTM who's the
thief!
DAF9
**********************************************
INTERNATIONAL NEWS
An Olympic update...of
sorts.
OLYMPIC PLANNING FALLING APART, MIGHT BE CANCELLED AGAIN!
by Weirdarchive
For almost ten years,
the pageantry of the Olympics (both Summer and Winter Games) have been missed
on the world's stage...and judging by the lack of enthusiasm, it may be another
ten years or more before the Games reappear.
At the International
Olympic Committee Headquarters in Geneva, Switzerland, the remaining members
couldn't decide on how to reintroduce the Games or which city should host them.
The apparent lack of support, financial and political, was evident as
protesters mobbed the building and accused the IOC of promoting the evils of
globalization and discord. Quite the irony since the Modern Games were founded
in 1896 for the purpose of uniting the world in peaceful competition.
Ever since the Pulse and
the accompanying conflicts such as Operation Jericho's Wraith and the
increasing turmoil with the Republic of Alaska, there have not been any Olympic
games staged or planned. In fact, this is the third time in three years that
the IOC has met, deliberating on the fate of the Games. The history of the past
three games, especially that of the Beijing Games of 2008, has been a factor
both in the protests and in the committee's lack of consensus. Many blame the
last Summer Olympics, played in the then People's Republic prior to its
collapse in 2013, as a possible catalyst for the terrorist EMP weapon which
destroyed much of North America's electronic infrastructure and caused the
economic chaos which still affects America today. "Those damned Communists
played it like it was their own showcase, just like in Berlin 1936." ,a
spokesman for the IOC ranted. "That is until they started losing big and
then the protesters got out of hand. It got messy close to the end and a lot of
nations started with the sable rattling. In a way, the Pulse was more a Godsend
because I'd hate to think what might have happened."
More to the heart of the
matter is the notable lack of support by most nations, since the Olympics of
2004 Athens and 2006 Torino, Italy were not as big of a television draw as the
Beijing Olympics. Then there are the other concerns. "You have to realize
the Olympics were just as corporate as many of the big companies that were
affected by the Pulse." Dale Van Simmons, American Representative to the
IOC, explained to our reporter. "Once the Pulse took out the banks and
financial centers, IOC's resources were cut in half. I'm surprised we're still
have the main headquarters open. Some of these people haven't been paid in a
year. And of course, we have to deal with the more popular sporting events like
the Methane Races and Rollerball. If there's no blood or fighting involved,
people won't come. Then we have the present political tension. There are
countries who wanted to send teams or sponsor the Games, but they can't because
they have disputes with other countries. Hell, some are even at war! We've
received a few representatives from the Republic of Alaska during the last day
of the IOC meeting wanting to have Nome be the next Winter Olympic site, but at
present the US doesn't recognize it because it still considers Alaska a state
and it's been dealing out pressure to the other countries not to give it
diplomatic recognition. Add to that the growing power of the political combines
like the European Union and the Asian Co-Prosperity Sphere. Doesn't make any
sense for a sprinter from England to race against one from France or Germany
because technically they're from the same country! Finally, there's the
sobering fact that some countries just don't exist anymore. You're not going to
find a team from Saudi or Iraq or Israel or even El Salvador! Those places are
gone, gone, gone! You'll be lucky to find many people in them period."
At present, the IOC is being
partially funded by the UN under its UNESCO charter owing to the Olympic ideal
of peace and education through sport. Some in the General Assembly have voiced
opposition of its continual funding due to calls to increase the military
budget for the many task forces patrolling the UN Middle East Trusteeship
Territory, with wild rumors of a possible return of the Islamic Jihad still
circulating in the self-governing areas. A vote has been tabled for now, but
the IOC has been actively courting the remaining wealthy nations for a possible
grant. So far, only the Hong Kong Independent Trade Zone, Tibet, and Columbia
have pledged financial support.
And the problems of The
Republic of Alaska just keep getting more interesting!
TENSION BETWEEN 'REPUBLIC' OF ALASKA AND US GROWS, CANADA FEARS
FOR ITS SAFETY
by Weirdarchive
Another sign that the
self-proclaimed Republic of Alaska refuses to make peace with America occurred
on Monday when the President of the rogue state 'Governor' William Hodges
presided over the destruction of several tons of US Quarters, some minted in
2008 with the Big Dipper on the back as part of the Statehood Quarter series,
in a political rally in the capital of Juneau. The 'Governor', along with his
right hand man 'Vice President' Calvin Rutherford, leader of the Nation of
Islam Reformed Samantha Adjia (formerly Britney Spears), and commander of the
Alaskan Republic Air Home Guard 'Rocking' Billy Phillip Hayes, shoveled a load
of US Quarters into a smelter where in the 'Governor's' own words, "the stink
of Fed servitude will be reformed into Alaskan freedom by the fires of true
democracy." A crowd of thousands cheered as US minted Quarters were tossed into
vats awaiting the same fate.
Later in the rally,
Hodges and his cohorts distributed the freshly reminted coins to eager
citizens. The new coin has the familiar state flag of the Big Dipper, but
instead of George Washington's bust in the front, the profile is now of a Bull
Terrier named Patsy Ann, a legend in Juneau's folklore as the 'Official
Greeter' of many ships that docked in its harbors. "I'd rather have that
dog's face looking at me than that old fart Washington," proclaimed
Rutherford as he gave out the new coins to a group of workers of the Alaskan
Republican Oil Line. Thousands continued to cheer as Hodges unveiled the future
currency for the rogue state. Included with the "Patsy" as the
citizens are now calling the Alaskan Republic Quarter, there are plans for a
penny with a polar bear front, a dime depicting the Iditarod Sled Dog Race, a
half dollar with the profile of Edward 'Fighting Eddie' MacNichols, the
martyred commander of Alaskan Republic Home Guard who fought against National
Guard troops still loyal to America in the Battle of Nome in 2010, and a full
dollar with the profile of an unidentified Eskimo. US officials stationed in
the American Affairs Office of the Japanese Embassy were stunned by the display
and wanton destruction of currency. "I can't believe those idiots would
even tried something like that," an unnamed spokesman said. "They
still use the same damned paper money and gold that rightfully belongs to the
US Treasury. The President and the people will not tolerate this outrage."
Apparently, the rally
had another purpose in mind. Shortly after the redistribution of the first run
of Patsies, Rutherford announced a new 10 year trade agreement with Russia,
Japan, East Timor, and the Philippines, primarily with its valuable oil
reserves and gold mining, but also in its growing manufacturing market of
hydroponic gardens and long-term storage solar cells.
The revenue being earned
will help in the upkeep of the Republic's military, creating its own
educational system, restoring the still damaged infrastructure, and expanding
its foreign capital basis. Rutherford also promised to have India, the Hong
Kong Independent Trade Zone, Australia, Indonesia, and Singapore recognize the
rogue state "Come Hell or High Water!", and to forge closer ties with
Canada and ask for its mediation in Alaska's wishes to annex the west coasts of
Washington and Oregon into 'the Olympia Autonomous Free Trade Zone'.
The Canadian Prime
Minister Joshua Arnolds, fresh from his address to the UN General Assembly in
their temporary headquarters in Toronto, voiced concerned that the US might
take hostile measures in response to the offer, including possible military
action. "We can't afford another shooting war." Arnolds said.
"This continent has enough problems on its own without some crackpot
pouring gasoline into the fire. I wish the Presidents of Alaska and the US
could discuss their differences in a calmer setting like the UN rather than
taking it to the streets like a couple of thugs." The President and the
Supreme Commander of Military Operations for the Restoration of America had no
comment on these events as we went into press.
**********************************************
CONSPIRACY
AREA 51 ALIENS?
By Darkknightgg AKA Spyder
Area 51 is located
approximately 80-125 miles Northwest of Las Vegas. At Area 51 the U.S.
government is test-flying highly secret BLACK PROJECT aircraft for many
years. Many think this includes UFOs.
They call one part of
this military site the Groom Dry Lake area. It has been proven that the Stealth
and SR 71 projects were built and tested at this part of Area 51. Many people
who work in and around the military installation refer to this highly secret
areas a "Dreamland" or "Groom Lake."
When saying
"Roswell," most people think of aliens. But what if aliens have been on our planet all along, drinking
coffee at Area 51? Don't stop reading just yet. Many know about the base. It is in fact the most "unsecret" secret
base in the world today. Everybody
knows it's whereabouts but no one knows of what happens inside. I dare anyone
to try to get to the base. (editor's note: please do not do this) It's
impossible to do. You won't even make
it to the fence area without being stopped, shot or killed.
Yes, they have legal
right to kill you. If his base is just normal, what's with all the Restricted
Area signs and the guys patrolling the base in jeeps? If there is nothing to be
seen, why is the base expanding, taking a way all possible views of the base
from the near by mountains?
The "Cammo
dudes" as locals call them patrol the area and try to avoid contact. If
you cross the border, you will get at minimum receive a $600 fine and jail
sentence. The US Government has only recently acknowledged the "fact of
the existence" of this facility, despite ample publicity and abundant speculation over the past decades.
Lazar was the first
worker of Area 51 to go public with any inside information, first making his claims in a locally
televised interview. Lazer had detailed information on exactly where many
special crafts were. He convinced many about Area 51's secrets and was the one
who started all the speculation. The interesting factor of Lazer is not thathe
can't prove much, but that hewas the first to get the media attention about the
base. It was Lazer and the government squaring off against each other. Guess who won? And where is Lazer now?
Many tourists have been
coming to the public lands closest to the base, to try to catch glimpses of
alien craft in flight. Many believe
that they have seen UFOs there, but there are so many UFO-like natural and military
phenomena on display that its hard to separate the wheat from the chaff.
So what do you guys
think? All a big hoax or legit?
Join me next week for
"Conspiracy Theories: Big Foot"
**********************************************
ADVERTISEMENT
HOW TO TURN YOUR COLD DIRTY FEET INTO COOL CLEAN CASH
By Thejerk2k1
The good people at
Canada Corp. want you to enroll in this one of a kind deal.
All the rich snooty
Canadians have been having outbreaks of new strains of foot diseases such as
plastenemotosis(toe rot) and octonemotosis(skunk foot). Mexican doctors need
training to respond to the Canadian crisis, and you can take advantage of
it. This three-week program offers foot
care given by the best doctors in Mexico! Now is your chance to cash in on
their unsightly tootsies. Isn't it about time that your feet start carrying
their own weight? Don't delay, come into today!
Disclaimer: By reading
this article you have agreed that Canada Corp. is not liable for gross
negligence resulting in foot loss or death. You also may be subject to radical new
experimental programs such as the foot transplant procedure.
**********************************************
LETTERS TO THE EDITOR
Dear Editor,
Bravo to actresses Neve
Campbell and Denise Richards for defying this silly, unwarranted prohibition against Genetucking. From the point of
view of an evolutionary biologist there is no rational reason why this
procedure should be banned. To the moralists and religious zealots concerned
about "playing God" I say you should be far more worried about
techniques that alter the germ line. In vitro fertilization, cloning, modifying
sperm and egg DNA in the effort to create a more "perfect" child and
even the old fashioned use of anonymous sperm donation are of far more danger
to the human gene pool than Genetucking. Modifying somatic cells by Genetucking
does not affect future generations. And the disappearance of government support
of the elderly through programs such as Medicare and Medicaid means there is
not even a compelling financial reason to prohibit those who have the interest
and the cash in undergoing rejuvenation therapy. While I agree with your
reporter WEIRDARCHIVES that there are potentially some risks of creating new
viral epidemics these risks would be minimized by strict scrutiny of the
laboratories and procedures and that requires legalization. America has gone
thorough similar debates many times before over among other things the
legalization of abortion or the use of stem cells harvested from embryos
discarded by in vitro fertilization clinics. In every case the decision has
eventually been made that it is better to legalize the technology and subject
it to government oversight than to let it continue unfettered behind closed
doors. And to those who feel that genetic engineering for merely cosmetic
purposes is somehow less worthy than for correcting serious diseases I can only
say that we have been torturing animals for over a century for merely cosmetic
purposes. At least these actresses chose to participate in this procedure and
benefited from it, unlike the thousands upon thousands of rabbits who were
sacrificed to ensure that your shampoo is everything it's supposed to be.
I can only suppose those
who are ineligible for the Genetucking procedure due to either financial or
medical constraints want it banned because they are jealous. As for me, I'm
saving my dollars for a trip to the Eros Clinic
Dear Editor,
Please forward the
following to Steve at the Happy Traveler hotel who found the dog that was
possibly a Rottweiller mix.
We had a
Rottweiler/poodle named Fluffy
Her demeanor was
unfortunately huffy
While her loss was of
concern
We don't want her
returned
As we now have a pit
bull named Muffy.
Dear Editor,
My youngest sister's
brother-in-law's ex- mother-in-law told her next door neighbor who told a guy
at work who passed the message on to his gardener who told his wife who told
her hairdresser who is married to MY dentist that some guy named DMT or DTM or
something like that has been running around Seattle practicing illegal
dentistry and stealing teeth. But then I read in Streets of Seattle that it's
true...and everyone knows you should never believe anything you read in the
newspaper. What am I to think now?
Dear Reporter Shnapzie,
If your tires combust
Don't give up in disgust
There are plenty of
buyers
For exploding tires
Although they're
probably not people you should trust.
Dear Editor,
A cupel a weeks a go, I winned an award for my poetry, and I felted just
plain awfull with meself cuz I foundt this note type book, and I tooked a poem
from it like it was mine or sumthin. Well, the book was by the trash can, rite
their by my box, like a gift or sumthin. You guys tried to give me some sgetti
and kool-aid, but I couldn't of took it. I decided to reedeen meself and writed
a lost n found note, but some goof there said my name was on it. Nope, that's not
ture. It sayz on the covr L.C. and FREEDOM. I know your bit on
"plagiarism" was to me, and I wante to say im sorry. Here's another
of the guy's poems, maybe he can recugneyes it and see its his.
Surrealistic waves of suppressed hysteria
Wash over my universe
And summon me to my knees
It shakes me and delivers me frozen
Upon spiritless frigid ground
Like a newborn baby, unable to care for myself
And the world melts and withdraws from me
Only to come back and b!tch-slap my face
But I don't feel it, don't feel it at all
And I wonder how are you?
Sincerly,
EWACHSMUTH
Dear Editor,
Re SAMCRAZY'S report in
this weeks SOS
Citizens' action
committees'
Reputation's are shot;
more's the pity
Is it really a mob?
Or someone doing a job
To improve life here in
the city?
**********************************************
PETS
LIONS AND TIGERS OH MY!
By Darkangelbby
In the ritzy high-rise
section of the city, African lions and Bengal and Siberian tigers have be come
a popular household pet. The family gets a cub from the local zoo, who is happy
to get rid of the expensive beast, and trains and tames it. Most families get
young cubs that are still nursing from the mother. The family takes turns feeding the cub, gaining a trusting
relationship. This rewards the kids, and the parents. Instead of buying a guard dog, which no one really fears anymore,
the family has a lioness, lion,
tigress, or tiger to watch over the family. These big cats are actually very
loyal, and the tigers are even considered lifeguards.
One family says,
"Little Gouiarfd fell into the pool and was drowning! We were ever so worried, but I had just had my nails done
and my husband was getting his eyebrows plucked. We were almost about to call
Fernando, the pool boy, when Fluffy, our Siberian tigress, jumped into the
pool, swam underneath Gouiarfd, and pulled her to shore. Fluffy had an extra helping of raw cow that night."
Back to the guard situation,
one family remarks, " We believe that lions can sense evil and distrust a
person who is a treat to the family. Our two lions, Snowball (the white female)
and Mr. Chuckles; (the male who when he roars, sounds like he's laughing), were
friendly to all of our servants except for one, Eduardo, the butler. They kept
their eyes on him wereever he went. Come to find out, he was actually going to kill us and take all of our
money. When he tried to carry out his plan, the lions tore him apart and
feasted on his remains. At least we think that's what happened.
So there you have it
folks. Are lions and tigers actually the next cats, dogs, and fishes? Maybe, if you are a millionaire.
NEFARIOUS USES OF PETS IN POST-PULSE AMERICA
DAF9
In recent years, police
have seen a significant increase in canine crime. In the golden days of the
late 20th-early 21st century, illegal activities committed by animals consisted
largely of dogs biting humans or emptying trash cans. The Pulse changed all
that. Desperate people are either training or purchasing dogs to carry out a
variety of illegal activities, mostly involving theft. We have all heard about
the chicken-stealing Chihuahuas, but this particular activity is just the tip
of the iceberg.
Just last month, the
sector police rounded up a ring of log-snatching Sharpeis who were taking fuel
from the homeless living down by the waterfront. The Sharpeis were trained to
sneak up on the wood piles found beside most burning trash cans, freezing in
place every few yards, preferably in a pile of discarded rags. Sharpeis
naturally resemble discarded furs. Once the attention of the owner of the wood
pile was distracted, the dog would grab
a log and return to its master.
Several rather curious
incidents have also been reported in which dog/monkey teams accost individuals
and steal their blood. The modus operandi in this case has been for the dog
(generally a member of one of the larger breeds such as Great Danes or Irish
wolfhounds), carrying the monkey on his
back, to run full tilt into an adult human being, knocking him or her to the ground. While the person struggles to
regain his footing, the monkey inserts a needle into a vein withdrawing blood into a standard vacutainer. The
animals generally manage to escape
successfully. The purpose to this exercise has yet to be determined but some
feel it may be an attempt to obtain samples from the rare adult individuals
whom rumors have indicated contain
circulating embryonic stem cells in their blood.
And just to show that
human efforts to commit crimes using animals is not restricted to dogs, there was also a report from about six weeks
ago about a cat breeder trying to compete with the chicken stealing Chihuahuas
by training felines to steal Cornish game hens. Unfortunately, not only are Cornish game hens almost
unheard-of in post-pulse Seattle but when one of the cats did manage to find a
game hen, it invariably consumed the bird before returning to the owner. Any cat owner could have predicted that
one.
**********************************************
TRAVEL
10 DEAD GIVEAWAYS THAT YOU ARE AN AMERICAN
(part of our Becoming a Canadian series)
By DAF9
1. Hork at the mention
of beaver tails.
2. Try explaining to the
government that taxation is illegal.
3. Think there is hockey
other than ice hockey.
4. Don't know the
punchline to the joke "the largest animal in Canada is the moose because..."
5. Believe senators are
elected government representatives rather than hockey players.
6. Are convinced of the existence
of condiments other than maple syrup and ketchup.
7. Believe the British
lost the War of 1812.
8. Can't recite the I am
Canadian commercial.
9. Are incapable of
debating the relative merits of Labatts versus Molsons.
10. Spend your time in
Toronto looking for Eskimos and Igloos.
11. Prefer something
other than Bob as an alternative name for the North West Territories. [ This
one is real guys. In a vote to change the name of the NWT, NWT won but Bob came in second. Despite the weather, those
folks have a sense of humor.]
RELATIVE MERITS OF MEXICO VS. CANADA FOR AMERICANS SEEKING TO
ESCAPE POST-PULSE USA
By DAF9
The following quiz was
designed to determine whether you would be happier as an ex-patriot American in
Canada or Mexico.
1. When you wake up in
the morning and look outside your bedroom window, which would you prefer to
see?
huge piles of snow---- 1
point
a cactus----- 0 point
2. In the event of a
building falling on your foot are you likely to yell
S**t---- 1 point
Ch!ng@te--- 0 points [if
this is inappropriate I apologize: I don't speak Spanish]
3. After a hard day at
work do you prefer to pop the cap on a Molsons or a Dos Equis?
Molsons--- 1 point
Dos Equis--- 0 point
4. Would you rather swim
in the Gulf of Mexico or Great Bear Lake?
Gulf--- 0 point
Great Bear Lake--- 1
point
5. On a hike would you
rather be confronted by a grizzly bear or a Western Coral snake?
Grizzly--- 1 point
Snake--- 0 point
6. For breakfast would
you rather consume a peameal bacon sandwich or a taco?
Peameal bacon--- 1 point
Taco--- 0 point
4 or more points you
should head north. Less than 3, you're bound for Mexico.
3 or 4 you should either
stay put or head to England.
**********************************************
ENTERTAINMENT
BACKSTREET BOYS IN CAR CRASH
By JOX5
Yesterday evening, the
Backstreet Boys were in a terrible accident. Their tour bus was hit by a car
and then rolled over into a ditch and burst into flames. Nick suffered second degree burns, and A.J
broke his arm.
The Boys were on their
way to Portland, the final stop on the reunion tour, when it all happened.
Three cars were following behind the bus. All at once they tried to force the bus off the road. The first car got
ahead of the bus and stopped in the middle of the road, and then the other two
cars got beside the bus to stop it from getting by. The bus was not able to
stop fast enough, so it swerved sideways into the ditch, hitting the side of
car one. When the bus rolled over and caught fire, all three cars left the
scene.
Lucky for the Boys, there
were enough other fans following behind the bus to save them. The three cars
were stopped in Seattle and all nine kids inside have been charged with
dangerous driving causing harm.
Nick is expected to be
out of hospital in 4-5 months. For now
the Backstreet Boys are making no plans for another tour.
SEATTLE'S BARS: ARE THEY THE PLACE TO GO?
By Samcrazy
More and more people are
flocking to places where they can get away from the harsh reality outside, and
it seems that some of Seattle's bars are growing in popularity everyday. We surveyed a wide range of bars and pubs
where the young and old alike say are the best in Seattle. We chose the three best ones.
First we reviewed a bar
called: 'Frogspawn'
This is a very popular
place in the west of downtown Seattle: next to a block of old apartment
blocks. Don't let the outside fool you,
inside there are brightly colored banners, a long bar and a nonstop disco. The place is littered with tables, all
occupied by various groups, selling goods between. The atmosphere is charged with excitement and laughter, the only
rule in this place is to leave the post-pulse life outside. The bar serves the whole range of drinks,
all surprisingly legal. Frogspawn is a great place to go if you want to forget
the problems outside, and not using the drugs that tend to float about in this
establishment. All in all, if you watch
out for the drug lords, you should enjoy a good night out here.
Next we looked around:
'Crash'
As soon as you walk down
the street loud rock music hits you face on. Inside it's a crowded environment, but that's its charm. A big screen TV is the main attraction with
a bar right next to it. There are
plenty of tables around everywhere, with a raised platform for more space. Jam Pony representatives are everywhere, and
one in particular called 'Sketchy' seems to be the primary source of
entertainment, performing stunts on the fat wooden bar. This place serves the best beer this
reporter has had in a long time, all the patrons of Crash agree. Crash has a
friendly group of regulars with a bartender who will lend you an ear if
needed. It looks clean, before and
after researching into drug activity in the area. Crash is located near Seattle's main port.
Third surveyed bar was:
'Friends United'
After the pulse most of
the high-tech lighting and sound systems had to go in order to get the place up
and running again, but Friends United has bounced back after a 2 year
improvement period. It lost it's 'gay'
image and now it is a great place to hang out if you want to chat and
party. Cocktails are the best drinks to
get here; the beer lets this bar down. Friends United is a good place to stop
and relax. Music is played nonstop from
6:00pm to 2:00 in the morning and the dance floor is always full of partygoers
who just want to have fun. Enjoy a long
night and sleep afterwards, I guarantee you'll need it!
After this review this
report feels that all the theme bars looked at deserved acclaim. They have brighten up the lives of those who
seemed to suffer after the pulse wiped out such luxuries as the internet and
free TV. I give all these bars a thumbs
up.
1. The 'Full Belly'
2. The 'Hieroglyphic
Gorge'
3. The 'Clock and Crash'
4. The 'Urban Chicks Restaurant
and Pub'
5. The 'Ball Park'
6. The 'Optical
Amazement bar'
7. The 'Byte and Go'
MOVIES
By Weirdarchive
On Cineplex, Canada:
MY EYES GO GRAY 4: THE
SHAMEFULNESS OF BLOOD, 2006,
starring Yukie Nakama, Kei Mizutani, and Han Suk-gyu. Directed by Norio
Tsuruta. Unrated. The GRAY movies are one of the few horror series that
deals with the political horrors with the same intensity as it does the
paranormal. This sequel is no exception, as it calls upon Japan's self-denial
of its war crimes during WWII and how its self delusion haunts the generations
that follow with increasing alarm. Told in a generational line, this story
deals with an atrocity in Northern China where the Japanese Occupational Army
wipes out an entire village simply because a high official wanted his daughter
to have a place to play in. The ghosts of the murdered villagers begin to haunt
the girl and her family across the decades. Certain periods of history are
reviewed as the girl's daughter (Nakama) is paralyzed with the fear of crowds
during the 1964 Tokyo Summer Olympics as she sees the ghosts taunting her from
completing her event, the 800 Meter Race. The next chapter is set in 1987 with
her offspring (Mizutani) is in turn troubled by voices and the sounds of
gunfire as she tries to finish a painting which slowly transforms from an
idyllic pasture scene to the very village in China which was burned to the
ground. Finally in the year 2004, the grandson and last surviving (and sane)
member of the family (Suk-gyu) must come to terms with his kin's crime as he
does a documentary about Japan's war crimes for an Australian television
station, with many of the remaining soldiers who carried out the orders unable
and unwilling to confess their guilt...until the spirits of the dead villagers
and those who were killed during Japan's involvement in World War II come in to
pronounce their judgment and pardon the grandson for his selfless act to make
amends. Many credit this film as well as the book GUILTY BY MY BLOOD AND DEEDS,
a detailed account of the occupation of China by some of the troops willing to
talk about their deeds, for Japan's eventual admission of its war crime past
and its belated attempts to make amends. The subject is taboo even now in
Japanese culture, in spite of recent events. Some Japanese, even now, are more
willing to condemn America for its Internment Camps and Atomic Bombings of
Hiroshima and Nagasaki than their own country's biowar experiments on Chinese
and Allied war prisoners and civilians. Truly a study of guilt and redemption.
Awarded the Fangoria Golden Chain Saw for Best Foreign Horror Film, the
Independent Spirit Award for Best Picture, and the Holocaust War Memorial
Portrait of Truth and Courage for its openness of the Japanese atrocities in
World War II. Contains violence, nudity, profanity, and acts of degradation.
Parents Strongly Cautioned.
BIGGIE GETS HIS!, 2010, starring Jennifer Aniston, Brad Pitt, and Reese
Witherspoon. Directed by Kevin Bright. Rated R. Granted, this film isn't
the best of Brad Pitt's career (His work in SE7EN, FIGHT CLUB, and EMBRACING
MOONLIGHT far outshines this particular work.), but it has some moments. Pitt
plays Biggie Walkens, a semi-hustler of the Bronx trying to make his big score
with the local mobsters...much to the dismay and disapproval of his masseuse
girlfriend Melody (played by his then-wife Aniston). Trouble soon follows
Biggie in a big way when he's asked to escort the head modster's mail order
bride/mistress (Witherspoon) to a party where some of the city's finest are
attending with warrants for his arrest. Naturally, mistakes are made and Biggie
has to deal with the cops, the mob, an outraged girlfriend, and one very horny
woman who intends on fulfilling her fantasy of a threesome even as guns are
blazing. Most of the slapstick comedy falls flat and Aniston's reluctance to do
a lesbian scene with Witherspoon (who also had problems with the nude love
scenes and the Estonian accent)shows, but Pitt manages to hold his own well.
This film is for many Pitt buffs who like him in anything he stars in...with
exception of SNATCH, but that's another review. Contains nudity, profanity,
violence, and comedic sex. Parents Strongly Cautioned.
RAPTURE IN BLUE AND RED, 2005, starring Bridget Fonda, Mark Wahlberg, Jet Li, and
Dwayne Johnson. Directed by John Woo. Rated PG-13. A reunion of sorts for
Fonda and Li, who did KISS OF THE DRAGON four years ago, in basically the same
kind of thriller only with a time difference. The movie is set in late 19th
Century Japan just as it was making itself more open to foreigners. Fonda plays
the American ambassador's daughter who is kidnapped by forces of a warlord who
doesn't wish for his country's continued good relations with 'the barbarians'.
Her fiancé (Wahlberg) teams up with an Imperial Palace guard (Li) and a
never-do-well Scotsman (Johnson) to search the countryside for his lover and
take down the warlord's army any way he can. The fight scenes alone are poetry
in motion, even when the acting is more like a lead balloon at times. Johnson
does his best work in that time here, mastering the accent, the language, and
the martial arts with near uncanny precision. Li was so impressed with his
co-star, he insisted on making him the lead in his directing debut a year later
entitled HONG KONG MELODIES, a comedic action farce based in 1920s Hong Kong.
Fonda's a little too old to play young belles by this time (she was about 40 at
this time.), but her beauty shines well in the background. Wahlberg has some
trouble making his fight scenes convincing, but for the most part he pulls it
off. This is an action adventure free-for-all, one of the more better written
and performed films of its type at the time. Fans will not be disappointed. Contains
brief nudity, violence, profanity, and racial slurs. Parental guidance is
recommended for up to 15 year olds.
**********************************************
FEATURES
HOW TO SURVIVE THE POST-PULSE DEPRESSION TIP OF THE DAY
By SHNAPZIE
So, you're relaxing in
your building (either legally or illegally) when you realize that your
exterminator was probably a bit tipsy when he fumigated it. You hear a horrible
squeeek and see a set of evil red eyes. But instead of totally flipping out
over the rat, you whistle. And around the corner comes a flying ball of fur
with four legs. It grabs the rat around the neck, trots over into the hall, and
deposits it in the apartment of nosy Mrs. Lumberghini down the hall who so
foolishly left her door open.
Isn't this a pleasant
fantasy? Well, here's how you turn this fantasy into reality. There's a little
studio down in sector 2 called "Canine Companions for the
Concerned-About-Hanta-Virus Citizen." The gentleman you find there runs a
vigorous dog training program for any who can afford his price: $1000, a bottle
of pre-pulse wine, or news of government conspiracies.
So run down to the local
animal shelter and pick up your new pet. Then send him to school. It's a handy
investment--he'll get rid of rats, provide you with heat at night, and serve as
a garbage disposal. And if you need to feel good about yourself, you've also
saved a life.
DESERT RUNNER
By Cherokee128
Muscles rippling in
streaming sunlight
Dancing a dance a
thousand years old
Running or freedom,
running for life
Pounding the ground
running faster than light
He stops suddenly, dirt
flies up, spraying the sky
I see a gleam in his
eyes
A danger, a warning,
calling me in
Then he turns and runs
off into the setting sun
I stand and watch,
frozen to the spot where I first found myself
Than a piercing whinny
breaks my silence, and I know I am home.
HOROSCOPES
Today if you're an ARIES
You'll be eaten by
canaries
While if you're a Pisces
Expect unending crises
And be careful about who
you marries.
If you're one of the
chorus
Whose sign is TAURUS
Your day will be full
So don't take no bull
Especially if your boss
is named Boris.
Its big trouble you're
in
Ms. GEMINI twin
Ask any pundit
You shouldn't have doned
it
Heaven only knows where
it's been.
CANCER: Happy Birthday to you...you may have heard this recently or are
going to hear it soon. Don't expect everyone to get you the perfect gift (or
any gift). Now relax and have a good
time while it lasts.
LEO The positioning of Mercury bodes ill for bodily issues. This is
not a good time to visit a doctor, hospital, or back-alley practitioner. Keep
tabs on your internal organs and avoid anyone carrying a scalpel. Best day to
change residences: Monday. Best day to eat chicken: Thursday. Lucky numbers: 1
14 82 -14 43
VIRGO: The planets advise you to pitch in with the gardening this months
as all of your property will be covered in 12" of water. You will feel a bit
weird in the coming days as you have been relaxing too much recently with a
close Cancer friend. It is a great time for: Kissing turkeys. Best chat up line
to use: 'I've lost my teddy bear, can I sleep with you?' and 'My love for you
is like diarrhea, I just can't keep it in.'
LIBRA: Due to the shift in the Earth's position in the universe and the
complete mess-up of stars this is a good time to practice earthquake drills.
Remember to wear A LOT of sweaters this month because you will be going to a
very cold place very soon. Black is your color this month, and don't hold back
on the tears. Best sport to play:
American wrestling. Best time to buy a tea bag
strainer: Tomorrow night at 5:07pm.
If you're a SCORPIO,
rejoice
raise up your voice
join your company band
as your boss demands
tomorrow you won't have
a choice.
Today is your day, SAGGITARIUS
For being a little bit
nefarious
Act like a jerk
Stay home from work
And bother your favorite
Aquarius.
CAPRICORN: If you are reading this something is very, VERY wrong. According
to the stars you should be dead or in a coma.
Warning : AQUARIUS
Your day is precarious
Stay away from ladders
And all important
matters
Especially those
involving Sagittarius.
PISCES: Do to the shift in the lunar/solar pattern, you will become...
IRESISTABLE! You will make a Leo's lucky day, but watch out for those pesky
Libras. Best day to brush teeth: Saturday. Worst day to smile: Friday.
**********************************************
CLASSIFIEDS
USED wheelchair for
sale: Ultra-lightweight, black Quickie GPS, like new, used for less than a yr.
Also basketball wheelchair, used only once. Contact Logan, Fogle Towers
Seattle.
WANTED Medical equipment.
Working or near-working condition. No
questions asked, top prices paid. Contact Dr. John Smith, 555-1847.
FOUND: Large box
containing thousands of marbles. Please
send inquiries to blind box 342.
