SHOOTOUT AT SOUTH MARKET
By Samcrazy
Seattle's police
were in action two days ago when a wanted criminal was spotted down at South
Market. As soon as the police were
alerted, three squad cars appeared on the scene, along with several unmarked
jeeps and one unmarked car. An
eyewitness speculates which department the mysterious units came from.
"Well, from what I
could see the jeeps were filled with soldiers in camouflage uniforms, they were
really organized, they spread out with guns and everything…I suspected that
this was an FBI thing, or maybe a new faction trying to crack down on
post-Pulse crime"
The alleged
soldiers cordoned off the area and the police set up an outer perimeter. From an inside source in the police
department we were informed that the criminal was on the divisions wanted list,
after a Mr. Vogelsang, a Laundromat owner (and side-private investigator,
according to sources) died mysteriously.
An eye-witness described the suspect, and a poster was placed all around
Seattle, with a reward on the capture of the female.
No one was allowed
outside the perimeter until the criminal was apprehended. This saga continued for three hours until a
police department in the west of the city reported that the felon had given
himself in. Strange enough, our
reliable source in the police department had informed us that it was the young
woman on the posters, but eyewitnesses saw a man being taken into a helicopter,
and an on-site cop told a 'Streets' reporter:
"We were sharp
enough down here at the Seattle police department to capture this wanted
offender. He was so intimidated about
all the forces we had sent out that he gave himself in for the murder of Mr.
Vogelsang"
When told about the
conflicting reports that it was a female felon the cops were after, the now
rather embarrassed officer said he had 'no further comment'.
The people out for
their daily shop were relieved after all the police left, 16 year-old Martha
Brand told us how she felt.
"I was like, really
frightened you know? There were cops 'n
soldier-like people swarming all over the stalls 'n stuff. I saw loads of cops lookin' like, under
grates and behind dumps for this person.
You know, I was worried 'cos the woman on the pictured looked a little
like me, you know? I had the lips and
the eyes…I was tempted to hand myself in for all the cash!"
After a foul up
from the police we are left wondering, was this a cover up? Did the cop department in fact lose the
female offender and have to replace her with another felon from the
slammer? Why were unmarked jeeps sent
to apprehend the criminal she/he?
This reporter hates lose ends, but there is no further
information to go on. Many strange
things happen in Seattle nowadays, and I will try to get to the bottom of most
of them. But this one remains a
mystery.
************************************************
NATIONAL NEWS
FORT KNOX FRAUD
By Crdrcool
Sources within the US
federal government have unveiled a conspiracy that rocked the world. The US
government had been developing synthetic gold for the past few months and
passing it off as the federal stash in Fort Knox in order to fund what little
remains of the federal branch.
This new and pioneering
procedure converts a certain isotope of mercury into it's heavy, solid and
shiny next door neighbor. It is reportedly undetectably different from natural
sources of gold. All hopes to piece together the last surviving branch of the
federal government(the judicial branch) now appears to be going down the toilet
along with the hopes of a reunited states.
The price of gold
reportedly went through the floor as news of this fraud spread to the European
and Asian stock markets. The once universal currency is now useless and the
dips in the markets are expected to continue to expand. The price of platinum,
silver, and bronze also skyrocketed giving very little relief to the steep
recessive period.
There was an
institution, Fort Knox
That kept fake gold in a
box
The fraud was discovered
And having been
uncovered
Gold is now as valuable
as I.B.M. stocks
DAF9
NEW SECTOR POLICE WEAPON FAILS IN THE FIELD TRAILS, KILLS SEVEN IN
EXPLOSION
By Weirdarchive
Apparently, not all of
the new weapons in the Sector Police arsenal have been working as well as their
Hoverdrones lately. In a riot in downtown Cleveland last week, a separatist
protest turned tragic as an experimental sonic pulse gun exploded. The blast
killed the owner, three of his fellow officers, and three protesters, while
shattering windows and cracking masonry for a five-hundred-foot radius.
Injuries have been in the hundreds, ranging from cuts and bruises from the
falling debris to shattered eardrums and partial to complete deafness. The
total list of casualties will be
presented to the public after the Sector Police Internal Affairs Division
completes its investigation.
According to information
obtained by anonymous sources, the weapon in question was Smith and Wesson's
newest gun, the Move-A-Long 626, one of the latest experiments in non-lethal
sonic combat. The device, when properly used, emits a high frequency burst of
sound that can stun and subdue any individual or group not protected by Class 3
Sound Suppression Gear. The device can also disable the electronics of a moving
vehicle or shatter windows at its highest setting. The gun company, recently
experiencing a high windfall of profit due to the worldwide tension in such
trouble spots as the Republic of Alaska and the A.B.C. (Argentina, Brazil, and
Chile) Conflict, had touted the Move-A-Long as a 'peaceful' weapon and had
hoped to quell protests from such groups as Amnesty International who had
accused the gun maker of 'feeding the beast of tyranny'. The Move-A-Long was
sold to Sector Police Districts in Ohio, Illinois, Virginia, and Oregon on a
test basis before worldwide distribution.
The incident in question
was one of the many protests staged by the separatist group Canadian Union,
which advocates the secession of the industrial Midwest of America into an
alliance with Canada. Canadian Union has been a major thorn in the side of the
Midwest Military Authority and Ohio's Governor Lance 'Bulldog' Cummings, whose
anti-protest protocols have been condemned even by this country's General
Military Command for being too extremist. Cummings has been cited as a catalyst
for at least five riots in the past three years, resulting in the deaths of
1,500 protesters, Sector Police officers, and bystanders. He is presently under
indictment by the Hague's Human Rights Court as a possible accomplice to the
murder of Irish Television News reporter Sandra Simmons, who died after
submitting a news report about his handling of the Arkon Massacre of 2015. By
some eyewitness accounts, the protest were about to become violent when the
officer handling the Move-A-Long screamed about the weapon being on fire and
telling everyone to 'hit the f*cking dirt!' prior to the explosion. Later
reports had the protesters storming the barricade and damaging the weapon in
the melee. The Sector Police are presently interviewing all surviving witnesses
and its own weapon specialists for a more detailed assessment of the riot.
Smith and Wesson
Spokesman Arthur Heston presented videos of the Move-A-Long trials and its
stats as a 'safe' weapon in a press junket two days after the incident. Mr. Heston
assured the reporters that the weapon experienced some defect in its coolant
coil and 'such overheating is not uncommon in such devices where ill trained
individuals sometimes push them beyond their limits.' (At a separate press
conference in Geneva, Switzerland following the incident, Amnesty International
spokesperson Tabitha Soren voiced the concerns that the Move-A-Long 'could've
been easily converted into a weapon of mass destruction. The explosion in
Cleveland clearly shows Smith and Wesson had more than just a so-called humanitarian
purpose for the gun.')
For the moment, all
remaining Move-A-Longs have been locked down and disarmed prior to the finished
hearings. Sector Police have been informed not to use the weapon under any
circumstances or allow it to fall into the wrong hands. Any stolen Move-A-Longs
stolen have been classed as a Type 5 Violation of the Martial Law Code,
garnering an automatic on the spot death penalty for possession of a weapon of
mass destruction. All civilians are urged to report any sightings of a
Move-A-Long immediately to their nearest Sector Police officer.
IS EVOLUTION FOR THE BIRDS?
By Daf9
A furor arose today at
the 80th annual meeting of the Society of Vertebrate Paleontology being held at
the University of Washington. The equanimity of this normally sedate group of
scientists was severely tested during a keynote presentation by Dr. Malcolm
Saunders titled " The discovery of co-mingled canine and apatasaur remains
in Utah". Briefly, Dr. Saunders reported that while excavating the
fossilized remains of a particularly fine specimen of Apatosaurus a number of
other bones were discovered that were later identified to be those of a
domesticated canine; a French poodle to be precise.
Carbon dating indicated
that this was not a hoax: the French poodle and the apatosaur had indeed
co-existed; throwing almost two hundred years of evolutionary theory into total
chaos. Until this discovery modern dogs were believed to have first evolved
around 40 million years ago while the last apatosaur vanished from the earth
more than 150 million years ago. Scientists attending the meeting refused to
comment but to a man (and woman) they looked shaken and pale upon leaving the
building. The remainder of the meeting was quietly cancelled as the scientists
returned to their homes to ponder this startling development.
************************************************
INTERNATIONAL NEWS
MORE ACTRESSES FESS UP TO
GENETUCKING. HOLLYWOOD UP IN ARMS.
By Weirdarchive
The
new dirty little secret in the Hollywood Expatriate Community is genetucking
and from the fallout of Denise Richards and Neve Campbell's admission comes
more stunning news as other actresses from the late 80s and 90s come forward.
A
list of actresses and actors who have been genetucked to reverse the aging
process was submitted to SAG Europe Headquarters today. In an ongoing
investigation into the abuses of cosmetic genetic engineering being conducted
by the Genetics Safety Enforcement Division of the World Health Organization, no
less than thirty well known actresses and fifteen actors have been identified
as either being the direct client of an illegal genetucking facility like the
Eros Clinic or have refered others to such clinics. While the names have been
kept out of public eyes for reasons of privacy, a number of actresses have
given surprise press conferences to denounce those who have genetucked...or
confess their guilt of genetucking. One of these confessions was made by Latin
actress Jennifer Lopez in her retreat in the Free Mexican State of Yucatan.
At
her press conference, a teary eyed Lopez told a stunned assembly about her five
year patronage to the Everyouth Underground, a rogue clinic established in the
Free Mexican States which was officially a complex catering to the health
conscious mega-rich using the still unapproved method of genetic liposuction, a
process where the body's own immune cells are used to metabolize fat away
without surgery. Though officially aged at 50, Lopez looked more like 30 as she
gave details about how her genetic code was manipulated to correct damage
caused by time and living and increase the production of healthy new cells to
replace those that were lost. "You have no idea of the pains I went
through to look like this." ,Lopez pointed to her face. "If you think
it's just needles and serums, you're sadly mistaken. I have been made an addict
to maintain this form. I'm not even human anymore. I have to live on living
protein now...just like a vampire." She then named several other clients
of the Everyouth, including former hip-hop star Eminem (nee Marshall Bruce
Mathers III), actor Tom Cruise, actress Thora Birch, and actor/director Seann
William Scott. Officials from the G.S.E.D. then escorted Lopez out of the
building.
Another
press conference did not end as intended for another actress in a Tokyo hotel.
Piper Perabo, officially aged 43, was in the middle of her confession of
genetucking (this time to an unnamed London clinic), when she started to go
into convulsions. Reporters raced to her side to help, but they were suddenly
tossed around the room like rag dolls when Perabo reemerged as a ranting wild
woman. She had grown a full foot in height with an abnormal amount of muscle
tissue bulging out and ribbing her dress. Her fingernails had also grown three
to five inches and her eyes, as one witness put it, 'went bugf*ck green.' She
then rampaged out of the conference and climbed up the elevator shaft to the
roof. According to witnesses, Perabo began attacking the pentihouse occupants
with intent of eating their livers. Special police troops and members of the
Toyko Animal Control Bureau had to resort to tasers and tranquilizers to subdue
the woman, along with three others who were infected by her bite and had
started to display similar traits. The body count stands at fifteen dead and
ten injured, seven of them were lucky enough to merely suffer broken bones and
concussions. The remaining individuals are presently under quarantine and armed
guard pending blood tests. There is no further word of Perabo's present
condition or that of her living victims.
While
some Hollywood Expatriates have been quick to reveal their part in the growing
genetucking scandal, others have been equally quick in condemning the hysteria.
A group of actors and actresses including Chris Klein, Anne Hathaway, Mandy
Moore, Jason Biggs, have issued a joint statement denouncing the ongoing
genetucking expose as 'Gene Tide witch-hunting'. Speaking from his Malta
estate, Klein expressed his disgust of the manner the press has handled the
affair and hinted at a civil lawsuit against those press members to sold their
videos of the Perabo news conference to the tabloids. "I'm not a genetuck
junkie," ,he proclaimed. "But I'm not about to feed the fire to this
new Holocaust. People like Jenny and Piper need our help, not our hate."
That could be little comfort to those who have suffered side effects from
genetucking like his former AMERICAN PIE co-star Shannon Elizabeth. She had
made a videotape of herself, documenting her stay at an undisclosed clinic and
how her brief restored beauty resulted into horrible consequences. The tape,
submitted to the major news services, leaves little to the imagination as
Elizabeth strips off her body suit to reveal scales growing out of her skin.
Her tail bone was literally becoming a tail as her hair fell off in clumps and
she started to slur her speech. Her teeth were falling off, replaced with
fangs, and she started to chase around anything that moved...including a cat
that was unfortunately killed and eaten. In the last vestiges of humanity, she
grabbed a knife and tried to slit her own throat. Later, police raided her home
and found what was left of the actress in a cocoon, turning into something
beyond description. Members of the G.S.E.D. immediately carted the cocoon away
for study. There has been no further word of her condition or whether she's
alive.
The
G.S.E.D. has established a hotline for people who may have been genetucked or
have worked for any of the clinics to call in case they're suffering from the
after effects of a genetic enhancement. Potential victims are urged to stayed
in a secure area and not allow others to touch them or to be touched until the
proper authorities arrive. The phone number to the G.S.E.D Gentuck Taskforce is
1-866-RED-MODE. For the moment, the WHO has not suggested establishing an
international quarantine since most of the genetuck victims have been the ultra
rich and may not have been exposed to the general public. The United Nations
General Assembly in Toronto are meeting in emergency session to assess the
situation.
************************************************
MEDICINE
DOLLY THE SHEEP MEET ASHLEY AND MARY-KATE
By Samcrazy
Is nothing in this
world sacred? When we thought we had
something to depend on, this reporter discovers a fact that destroys it from
the ground up. A reliable informant,
whose life work has been dedicated to cracking the human genetic code (in a
project called GEMONE), has discovered something horrible and
disturbing. The stars of the hit comedy
series 'Full House," and later "Two of a Kind' has turned out to be nothing but
a genetic joke! The two troublesome but
loveable twins have had a made many successful films, all based upon their
fabulous show of slapstick comedy (and occasional heartfelt romance), that they
have earned a special place in people's hearts. But after a shock report from a person who, for safety purposes
has chosen to be called Mr. X, he unraveled a conspiracy that has been around
for close to 30 years.
While looking through
a report on the cloning of two mice called Benjy and Franky, he read a
subheading describing a previous (successful) experiment involving a human
subject. It listed a file number, so
Mr. X chose to look it up. When he
discovered the file, which was marked TOP SECRET DO NOT OPEN UNLESS 'PASSPORT
TO PARIS' IS NOT A SUCCESS he found something that has hit hard-core fans of
the 'Olsen' twins hard. The original
twin was cloned on request of their biological father, who when interviewed had
'no comment'. The two darling twins
were taken into hiding along with only half of their wardrobe and a television
so they could watch 'Two of a Kind' reruns.
It seems that they wish to hide from the public eye, who are now asking,
'How did it happen?' and 'Who's the fake?'
The first question
seems simple to answer. We got a
profession to explain it to us, in particular to this reporter who is still reeling
from the terrible news.
Daphne Nine-O, a
geneticist who describes herself as being a grouchy homeowner and a person who
has had a lab accident in the last five years but didn't bother to call Claims
Direct because she doesn't like soccer, says this about the twins:
"'This is a classic
case of 'fame-itis'. When the original
twin was born he saw a lovable terror, who when put in the right situation,
like that one from the episode when she wants to go to Corrie's party but can't
because her father doesn't want her going to a college do, you know, that
one? Anyway, he though, why have one
when two cute twins could earn me double?
So, he used his 'connections' to find the number of a top-secret
research facility, which had rumors attached to it that it was experimented
with gene manipulation, and after intensive (but top-secret, don't forget
top-secret) talks and a lot of bribery, they agreed to clone the
original child and then, as an added bonus, change the first kid so she will
look even more sickly sweet then she does already. And all during this time, the father was ignoring the wishes of
the mother, who didn't want to have two children after reading an article in
'New Woman' magazine about how annoying two identical twins can be. As you might of guessed, they went along
with the procedure and now we have two of them."
The second question
is harder to answer, as this information is super-duper top secret. And this reporter has been advised to 'leave
it alone' by a member of the news staff, who is a real hardcore fan. He describes their acting as being
'wonderfully realistic and entertaining.
I believed them through and through.
They're Ultra Magnetic!' I quote.
He doesn't want either girl's reputation to be damaged by this report,
but by not speculating this report damages both their reputations, this I
pointed out to him but he just stuck his fingers in his ears and started
humming.
Is this the first
of many cases of genetic manipulation? Or are other stars of other TV shows
such as 'Sister Sister' and 'Big Bear in the Big Blue House' also results of
tampering with nature? How can we ever
tell?
To finish up this
report, we went out onto the street and asked how the people are coping with
this news.
Zing-Wit Lemon
says: 'I loved those twins, I don't see how anyone can look at one of their
shows without asking himself or herself, 'what is the world coming to?'
Kerry Onlafing
says: 'Maybe genetic manipulation explains their acting' (this reporter had to
be restrained from attacking this girl)
Toby Ornotobe:
'NO!!! NO!!!! IT CAN'T BE TRUE!' (Then he ran off crying like a baby)
Rosie Cheeks: 'I'm
seeing a therapist, it's just such a shock…I mean Mary-Kate and Ashley being
fiddled with at birth…I, I…need to be alone'
Mary Goround: 'the
news got me right where it hurts, you know…right here…I loved Mary-Kate. But she could be the fake one…now I don'
know whom to trust…'
Ria Lee-Upset: 'My
brother and I can't put our shock into words.
So we won't'
There is corruption
all around us. But it has just reached
a new level. This is a plea from this
reporter's heart, don't mess with genetics.
We may just end up with a two-headed cow or something.
THE HIDDEN DANGERS OF HUMAN ADULT STEM CELLS
By Daf9
The National Institutes
of Health and the AMA issued a joint statement today calling for an immediate
halt to all human adult stem cell research. Research into the medical use of
adult stem cells was driven primarily by the ban on embryonic stem cell
research that was issued at the turn of the century. Although this research was
initially hampered by the very low numbers of
stem cells present in adults, new techniques for concentrating and
harvesting these cells have largely overcome this problem. However, scientists
from the Mayo Clinic reported in this week's Lancet that while adult stem
cells, like embryonic stem cells offer potential cures for Parkinson's, Alzheimer's
and diabetes, the adult cells appear to be responsible for a troubling rise in
the incidence of medical problems amongst stem cell recipients.
Studies performed at the
Mayo Clinic suggest that unlike embryonic stem cells, the adult cells (unless
maintained under extremely precise culture conditions) have a tendency to
promote increased blood clotting upon injection into patients. This increased
clotting causes cerebral aneurysms or stroke.
Like many scientific
discoveries this one arose serendipitously as the result of some undergraduate
research being performed in the laboratory by a young student named Ben [last
name withheld at the request of government authorities]. Although only a
student, Ben was the first scientist to discover how to grow adult stem cells
in culture so as to maintain their pluripotency. His intense interest in this
problem was apparently based on what his mentors considered his unusual
preoccupation with the idea of using adult stem cells to grow teeth in the
laboratory. On the weekend prior to the first surgery scheduled to implant
these cultured teeth into a patient the research came to an abrupt end when
both Ben and the teeth vanished. Subsequently, other students in the laboratory
who continued to use Ben's adult stem cell cultures made the discovery
described in the Lancet report.
Several doctors asked by
the 'Streets of Seattle' to comment on this latest wrinkle in stem cell
research, expressed their concern that this new ban would fuel an increase in
the unauthorized creation of human embryos in vitro for the sole purpose of harvesting stem cells. The same doctors
dismissed as wild rumor the unconfirmed
report that embryonic stem cells have been found in adult blood in a few rare
individuals.
SERIOUSLY ILL PATIENT ALMOST DIES DUE TO MEDICAL ERROR
By Daf9
Local medical officials
were shocked to learn a man almost died at Metro Medical Hospital this week
because of an error any high school freshman could have caught. This error was
in fact caught by a high school freshman working as a volunteer in the blood
bank. The patient was brought into the hospital in a comatose state having
suffered a sudden arterial rupture as a late complication of a previous
traumatic injury. After controlling the bleeding, his doctor wanted to
transfuse him but because his rare blood type AB- was not available in the
blood bank at the time, the doctor was prepared to let the man bleed to death!
Luckily for this particular patient an unidentified friend showed up at the
hospital and performed a direct blood transfusion. Apparently she told the
patient that she was a universal donor. Whole blood donation is an extremely
dangerous thing to do without testing blood compatibility first since in
addition to the common ABO and Rh factors that are found in red blood cells and
serum respectively, there are a number of other potential sources of blood
incompatibility in whole blood that are not a problem in packed red blood cells
which is what the patient probably should have received. Fortunately for both
the patient and the hospital, which could have been looking at a major lawsuit,
the patient survived the unorthodox transfusion procedure.
When the case was
presented at Grand Rounds several days later the high school student volunteer
stood up and explained to the board-certified surgeon that while AB- is the
rarest blood type; present in less than 2% of the American population, an AB-
patient can be transfused with ANY OTHER Rh- blood type; ie any A-, B- or O-
individual. 15-16% of Americans are Rh-. Furthermore as a male, he could also
be transfused with Rh+ red blood cells if Rh- cells were not available as
transfusing an Rh- individual with Rh+ red blood cells only creates a serious
problem in women of child bearing years. As the student explained to the
audience AB- means the person has an antigen called A and an antigen called B
on their red blood cells but does not have an antigen called Rh in the blood
serum (hence the negative sign). O means you express neither the A nor the B
antigen. If your blood carries a particular antigen then you will be able to
tolerate red blood cells carrying that
antigen. Transfusion with blood carrying an A or B antigen not expressed by
your own blood cells will cause the blood in your veins and arteries to coagulate
and will kill you very quickly. O- individuals express none of those antigens
and thus are universal donors; their blood being tolerated by people of any
other blood type. O- is only slightly more common than AB-; being present in
about 4% of the population. Thus if you require a whole blood transfusion you
are less likely to find a donor if you are O- than if you are AB-. Upon hearing
this recital by the 14 year old, the surgeon turned beet-red and left the room
without speaking.
************************************************
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EDITORIAL
SHARING
By Shnapzie
Everyone knows how worthless the government is. The higher-ups in the
bureaucracy have no sense of justice, integrity, or gratitude. We all
endure it, and the lesser or greater effects it has on our lives.
Certain
people, however, deserve better treatment than that. Veterans,
preeminently. They gave their best for America, and in many cases were
seriously wounded physically or psychologically in the process. But
tragically, these disabled veterans have a worse plight than the average
citizen.
In the
workplace today, with unemployment higher than it's ever been, it's almost
impossible for the disabled to find a job. Without work, they are unable
to finance the lifestyle changes their infirmities require. And the
government provides them with no monetary compensation whatsoever.
Some
veterans have found a workable, albeit inconvenient, solution. Many of
them will pool their money to purchase a single wheelchair, set of crutches,
etc. and then will use these items on a time-share basis. But having only
a limited amount of time to utilize this equipment makes finding employment
even more difficult than they already have it.
And some
veterans have resorted to begging, relying on the goodness of others, to
survive. That's the saddest of all. "The goodness of others"
is in short supply these days, and so many vets die of hunger and/or exposure
if they must resort to this method.
Someday,
courageous people of America will once again be needed to fight for their
country. And it wouldn't surprise me that when that time comes, the
citizenry will say "Stick it!"
************************************************
LETTERS TO THE EDITOR
Dear Editer
Me 'n the boys down at
Joe's bar and gun emporium were reading yer article in last weeks edition about
them Alaskans. Nuke em back to the Stone Age. That's what our government would
do if they weren't all a bunch of wusses!
REd-neck reader
PS Make them give us
back our money first.
To the editor
I am writing to complain
about an article in last week's edition about turning your feet into cash. As
President-Elect-for-Life of the Association of Diabetics who have lost one or
both feet to gangrene I wish to protest on behalf of our membership against
this flagrant discrimination against the footless. You will be hearing from our
lawyers as soon as they can figure out how to enter your non-handicap
accessible building.
Dear Editor;
I was at my local
carnival, and they had this booth. You
could have your picture put on the cover of a fake edition of Streets of Seattle. So I had one done saying I was Seattle's
Most Wanted, 'cause my girlfriend thought it was cute, right? Anyway, I lost it, and the next thing I know
some stupid Sector cop got hold of it, and he's hunting me down. This guy's too dumb to check the computer at
the precinct, he thinks he'll get some big promotion if he catches me. Could you please tell him it was a joke, so
I can go back home?
Thanks,
Steve Jones
Editor's note: to the
Sector Police representative in question: the edition you found was indeed a
joke. We have checked into the
situation, and Mr. Jones is no one's "Most Wanted."
************************************************
FEATURES
CHEAP WEDDINGS
By Dark_Fairy
If you are planning a
wedding soon, and don't have much money, then maybe you should listen to
this. Weddings are expensive projects,
but if you know the right people, or have
the right ideas, you can have a great wedding and not have to pay much
at all.
Dresses are expensive in
Seattle, especially since the Pulse. But
in Sally Anne's Dresses, you can buy cheap dresses that have been used only
once.
Flowers are expensive as
well, it is very hard to find the perfect flowers in a city. And florists are just getting paid,
they don't seem to care about the
flowers. But this spring and summer, Ms. Fletcher has flowers which are
magnificent, and cheap! She sells roses for $2 per dozen, and many others for
bargains prices. This week only, buy magnolias for only 5 cents each!
If you need to use the
church, its booked up solid for the next year.
But you can hitch-hike to Los Vegas and spend all you money at a casino, get drunk, and get married in a
CARDBOARD BOX! If Las Vegas isn't for you, you may just want to wait a year
until you get money, to afford a
wedding.
If you're really
desperate to get married, here is some handy hints to save money;
1) Borrow a dress from
the store, don't return it.
2) Instead of flowers,
go into the street and get rocks :)
3) Use cardboard as your
seats.. and don't invite you fat aunt Sally.
4) Don't pay the
caterer.
5) Go to your family and
borrow money, spend the money on alcohol for the bachelor/ bachelorette party.
6) Make a mud cake
instead of a wedding cake, claim you like dark chocolate
better.
7) Make a wedding dress
out of toilet paper, just don't spill ANYTHING on it.
8) On your bachelor/ette
party, have your fiancé do the dancing.
9) Tape the radio's
music, for your wedding.
10) Why get married in
the first place, you won't have to pay anything, and you won't have to worry
about going to court if you need to get a divorce.
This reporter, reports
that if you want a good wedding, but can't afford it, get a loan from the bank,
or borrow money from family.
PASSING AS A CANADIAN, PART 3
By Daf9
So far in this course we
have covered Canadian money, eating tiny donuts and putting ketchup on eggs. By
now you're probably wondering what can possibly be left to learn about passing
as a Canadian.
Two things. Hockey and
hockey. Every Canadian male over the age of 3 owns a pair of skates...and
unless you're an Olympic speed skater they'd better be hockey skates!
And in the same vein, if
an RCMP officer looking for illegal immigrants stops you on the street and asks
you to sing the Canadian national anthem do NOT start singing "O
Canada". The correct response is to start humming the music from
"Hockey Night in Canada". If asked who the first Canadian Prime
Minister was.... Don't reply with the apparently correct response
"Mackenzie King". No, no, no. The correct answer is actually either
Foster Hewitt (HNIC's announcer for many years) or Johnny Bower (a goalie for
the Maple Leafs from way back when). And when giving the officer a friendly
grin and a "keep your stick on the ice", make sure you are sporting a
black eye, cut lip, at least one missing or broken tooth or some other sign of
having been in a recent hockey game.
ODDITIES
By Logans_Babe
So you are sitting in
your dumpy apartment on that torn up piece of smelly furniture you call your
couch. And suddenly you hear an odd noise, but don't worry, that is just the
cats up stairs mating again. But wait, there! Violins... or or....some kinda of
music? You go to investigate and find a two headed cricket playing Beethoven's
2nd symphony. No, you are not imagining things. The local science lab was
experimenting with DNA and unfortunately for the crickets, the tests went awry.
The crickets managed to get out of their cages and are running wild in the
city. These creepy crawlies are smart and they can play one h*ll of a dueling
banjo. If you see one of these crickets, do not attempt to capture it. Call the
local science lab at 555-6789.
If you have something
odd you would like to share, contact Logans_babe at SOS.
ODDBALLS
Remember that long piece
of card board that just happened to make its way into the alley out back? Take
it and fold it twice (so that it is in thirds) then simply stand it in the
middle of your room and voila! Two rooms for the price of one. (just don't tell
your landlord, he might want to charge you for it!) If you get seriously
inspired, you can always use paints to spruce it up a bit. Logans_Babe
Need a cradle for your
blessed event? The box from your color television makes an excellent
substitute. Need an entire room? The packaging from your home entertainment
system will provide your baby with all the room he or she will need until he
goes off to college. Daf9
Tired of eating cold
food? Ovens are expensive, even
second-hand, and hot plates are in short supply. But every thrift store has a good supply of barely-used irons at
bargain prices. Pick up some tinfoil or
even scrap sheet metal, and you can create hot meals ranging from grilled
cheese to Pop-N-Fresh biscuits to crispy bacon. Just don't use the iron on your clothes afterward, or you'll be
followed around by dogs. Jennem11
************************************************
FOOD
WHINING FOR WINE
By Ewachsmuth
The multitude of
pre-pulse wines is no longer available in America today. The prices, like most
pricing in America, has skyrocketed and only the very rich can afford pre or
post pulse wine. Still, there are alternatives.
The first is to steal
it, not a good alternative as there are some tedious repercussions. The second
is to make it yourself. A good winer can either buy the ingredients, which
would cost almost as much as the bottle of wine itself, steal them, find a
fruit orchard, or make do with market or restaurant refuse.
The simple formula for
fermentation is: SUGAR + YEAST = ALCOHOL + CARBON DIOXIDE (CO2). Sugar and
yeast are present naturally in ripe grapes and fruit, but you may need more.
This natural yeast is killed when the alcohol level reaches 4% by volume, and
if you desire your wine to be stronger, you will wish to find extra yeast and
sugar. If you find it difficult to procure the necessary ingredients, it might
be helpful to find a partner who will aid you in doing so.
As you make the wine,
remember to keep all equipment as clean as possible or you will ruin the
flavor.
Wine making procedures:
1. Boil the fruit in a
non metal and non earthenware container.
2. In a plastic bucket
with a lid, smash the fruit until it is just pulp and juice. Extract seeds.
3.Add non-chlorinated
water. Let it sit for a day.
4. Add the required
amounts of sugar and yeast and allow the must to ferment in the bowl, for
approximately 10 - 20 days, in a warm place, at° around 65° - 75°F. Stir the
must regularly with wooden spoon or clean stick.
5. The actual start of
fermentation will take place within two days and this will be noticeable from
the layer of foam and bubbles that develops on the surface of the must.
6. Strain the must into
a glass jar with a pair of clean old nylons. Fit a fermentation trap and fill
the jar to within an inch of the bottom of the bung. Temperature should be at
approximately 60°F, for this second stage of fermentation. Fermentation will
now take place at a much slower pace and will proceed for several weeks, until
all bubbling ceases.
7. Siphon the cleared
wine to remove the yeast deposits from the bottom of the jar. This process
should be repeated about a month later and usually a third siphoning is
recommended, after a further three weeks.
8. You can drink your
wine when it is approximately six weeks old.
9. If you bottle it,
cork it securely. Bottles should then be stored on their sides, out of direct
sunlight, in a vibration-free environment at a temperature of around 50°F.
A third alternative
would be to procure a bottle of juice, let it sit in the sun for two weeks,
strain it, let it sit in a cold dark place for four weeks, and drink. It
doesn't taste as good as alternatives one and two, but it's still fermented.
Good luck to all winers!
************************************************
NEIGHBORHOOD
POLICE REPORT
Saturday, 2PM Police responded to a call that a neighbor's party was too loud. Arrived to find the neighbors, two
juvenile females holding a "tea party," playing a music box. Caller
was arrested for making an unnecessary complaint.
Saturday 11PM Sector police were called to investigate a loud party at Fogle
Towers. Upon arrival police found many of the occupants of the apartment in
possession of suspicious substances. These were removed to police lock-up from
which they mysteriously disappeared. Curiously, the following day 90% of the
precinct called in sick with Balkan War syndrome. IAD is investigating.
Thursday 3AM A gang war erupted into the streets wounding 2 innocent
bystanders and killing 3 gang members. Officer Robert Trident was first on the
scene and was gunned down in cold blood. Police are said to be cracking down on
the gang element over the next few days. Several suspects are now in custody
and being interrogated.
Monday, 2AM Someone's car could not go through flooding road. It was raining
at the time. Three ladies where in the car and we are glad to report that
they are ok, but only one lane was open
on Monday which cause a huge traffic jam.
Monday, 10AM Called to Nyquist Alley to control a domestic argument. Wife was
battering husband with strange female shoe she found under the bed. Situation
rectified when husband explained he was
a cross-dresser. No arrests made.
Wednesday 4PM Based on a tip from an anonymous source, police managed to
apprehend at least two members of the ring of dog breeders/trainers who have
been providing Seattle with those infamous chicken-stealing Chihuahuas that
have been plaguing the farmers' market and other purveyors of fresh fowl for
the past month. When asked by reporters at their arraignment why Chihuahuas and
not some larger breed of dog, one of the breeders replied "Well, farmers
are suspicious when a large dog approaches one of their booths; Chihuahuas they
tend to ignore until its too late." Now the word is out on the Chihuahua,
the members of the ring who remain at large will undoubtedly switch to some
other breed of dog.
Thursday,4PM A suspect, described as a white male in his late 30's, went into
the gas station on the corner of Main St. and 4th St. and threatened the clerk
with a knife. The clerk stated that the suspect was upset that his pack of M&M's, that he had bought there
earlier that day, was not a winner. Police are still looking for the suspect at
this time.
CELEBRITY BIRTHDAYS
Celebrating their
birthdays today:
Jennem1, editor-in-chief
of Streets of Seattle
Linda Carter, pre-Pulse
actress best known for her portrayal of Wonder Woman
Anna Paquin, another
pre-Pulse actress and Jennifer Lopez, yet a third actress who by a miracle of
modern science is turning 31 yet again.
Other famous people born
on this day:
Bell Abzug,
congresswoman and feminist who would have been 100 years old
today were she alive.
Jason Billingsley, the
first employee of Starbucks. Since Starbucks and Microsoft merged after the
Pulse, creating Microbucks, Mr. Billingsley had been spending his time on the
talk show circuit. He would have celebrated his 65th birthday this year had it
not been for the unfortunate incident late last month. For legal reasons we are
prohibited from discussing it in print.
************************************************
CLASSIFIEDS
For My Angel: Come Back
to Me
In young, great brown
eyes
In the words poured from
soft sighs
There resides her heart
In her feline sight
In the vast speed of her
flight
There resides her
strength
In her childhood years
Locked in corridors of
fear
There resides her pain
In a lone penthouse
In the Streets of
Seattle
Here resides her love.
Wanted: To whom I sold my wheelchairs, Due to unforeseen circumstances, I
would greatly appreciate your selling them back to me. Unfortunately the family
business has been seized and so I can only afford to pay you half as much as
you paid me. Thanks! Contact Logan, Fogle Towers, Seattle. AND PLEASE HURRY!!!!
Wanted: Snake, preferably poisonous and alive. Needed for a ritualistic
cult ceremony.
FOR RENT: Nice two bedroom apartment in Sector 5. Only has minor rodent
problem. $400 per month, electricity is $100 extra. Please call,
26537895123670.