DAF9

STREETS OF SEATTLE

(date withheld), 2019

http://pages.prodigy.net/jennem

To our readers: The stories appearing in today's STREETS OF SEATTLE have been cleared by the U.S. Army under the provisions of the Martial Law Declaration of 2009 and the National Emergency Declaration of 2010.

Editor in Chief: Jennem1

Senior Editor: Daf9

Managing Editor: Samcrazy

General Editor: Ewachsmuth

Opinion Editor: Shnapzie

Chief Financial Officer: Logans_Babe

Chief Reporter: Weirdarchives

Contributing Reporter: April (X5422)

Contributing Reporter: 727Angel

Contributing Reporter: Sportzgirl16

Contributing Reporter: Cdrcool

Contributing Reporter: Dark_Fairy

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LOCAL NEWS

HUNDREDS OF WOMEN TURNED IN FOR $50,000

By Ewachsmuth

If you have dark hair, brown eyes, and full lips, watch out, there's a $50,000 reward out for you. It doesn't matter if you actually committed the crime or not, as hundreds of young women are learning all across the Seattle area.

At all Seattle precincts, young women have been turned in to the police. Some are captured and turned in by complete strangers and others by family members. It would seem like there are a lot of young dark-haired women out there whom people believe are capable of committing murder. And why not? This is the post pulse depression, which has been known to drive people to commit acts they would not otherwise commit.

Women of all sorts have been brought in from prostitutes to nuns, and not one of them was discovered to be this mysterious murdering femme fatale. Each of the girls were led to get the finger prints and photos taken before being tossed into a holding cell to await identification by a military contingent.

Interviews have been attempted with this mysterious militia; however, some

reporters have been shot while attempting to press the issue.

The accused have been more than willing to tell their side of the story.

"I turned myself in," said one young woman, who had blonde hair. "Told 'em

I'd worn me a wig. They gave me food and a clean place to sleep. There's this

one lady what owns a sales business and I got me a job."

Said another woman who had just recently been released, "My boyfriend turned

me in. I tell you, I've never murdered no one in my life, but I'm about to."

SHOOTOUT AT SOUTH MARKET

By Samcrazy

Seattle's police were in action two days ago when a wanted criminal was spotted down at South Market.  As soon as the police were alerted, three squad cars appeared on the scene, along with several unmarked jeeps and one unmarked car.  An eyewitness speculates which department the mysterious units came from.

"Well, from what I could see the jeeps were filled with soldiers in camouflage uniforms, they were really organized, they spread out with guns and everything…I suspected that this was an FBI thing, or maybe a new faction trying to crack down on post-Pulse crime"

The alleged soldiers cordoned off the area and the police set up an outer perimeter.  From an inside source in the police department we were informed that the criminal was on the divisions wanted list, after a Mr. Vogelsang, a Laundromat owner (and side-private investigator, according to sources) died mysteriously.  An eye-witness described the suspect, and a poster was placed all around Seattle, with a reward on the capture of the female.

No one was allowed outside the perimeter until the criminal was apprehended.  This saga continued for three hours until a police department in the west of the city reported that the felon had given himself in.  Strange enough, our reliable source in the police department had informed us that it was the young woman on the posters, but eyewitnesses saw a man being taken into a helicopter, and an on-site cop told a 'Streets' reporter:

"We were sharp enough down here at the Seattle police department to capture this wanted offender.  He was so intimidated about all the forces we had sent out that he gave himself in for the murder of Mr. Vogelsang"

When told about the conflicting reports that it was a female felon the cops were after, the now rather embarrassed officer said he had 'no further comment'.

The people out for their daily shop were relieved after all the police left, 16 year-old Martha Brand told us how she felt.

"I was like, really frightened you know?  There were cops 'n soldier-like people swarming all over the stalls 'n stuff.  I saw loads of cops lookin' like, under grates and behind dumps for this person.  You know, I was worried 'cos the woman on the pictured looked a little like me, you know?  I had the lips and the eyes…I was tempted to hand myself in for all the cash!"

After a foul up from the police we are left wondering, was this a cover up?  Did the cop department in fact lose the female offender and have to replace her with another felon from the slammer?  Why were unmarked jeeps sent to apprehend the criminal she/he?

This reporter hates lose ends, but there is no further information to go on.  Many strange things happen in Seattle nowadays, and I will try to get to the bottom of most of them.  But this one remains a mystery.

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NATIONAL NEWS

FORT KNOX FRAUD

By Crdrcool

Sources within the US federal government have unveiled a conspiracy that rocked the world. The US government had been developing synthetic gold for the past few months and passing it off as the federal stash in Fort Knox in order to fund what little remains of the federal branch.

This new and pioneering procedure converts a certain isotope of mercury into it's heavy, solid and shiny next door neighbor. It is reportedly undetectably different from natural sources of gold. All hopes to piece together the last surviving branch of the federal government(the judicial branch) now appears to be going down the toilet along with the hopes of a reunited states.

The price of gold reportedly went through the floor as news of this fraud spread to the European and Asian stock markets. The once universal currency is now useless and the dips in the markets are expected to continue to expand. The price of platinum, silver, and bronze also skyrocketed giving very little relief to the steep recessive period.

There was an institution, Fort Knox

That kept fake gold in a box

The fraud was discovered

And having been uncovered

Gold is now as valuable as I.B.M. stocks

DAF9

NEW SECTOR POLICE WEAPON FAILS IN THE FIELD TRAILS, KILLS SEVEN IN EXPLOSION

By Weirdarchive

Apparently, not all of the new weapons in the Sector Police arsenal have been working as well as their Hoverdrones lately. In a riot in downtown Cleveland last week, a separatist protest turned tragic as an experimental sonic pulse gun exploded. The blast killed the owner, three of his fellow officers, and three protesters, while shattering windows and cracking masonry for a five-hundred-foot radius. Injuries have been in the hundreds, ranging from cuts and bruises from the falling debris to shattered eardrums and partial to complete deafness. The total list of  casualties will be presented to the public after the Sector Police Internal Affairs Division completes its investigation.

According to information obtained by anonymous sources, the weapon in question was Smith and Wesson's newest gun, the Move-A-Long 626, one of the latest experiments in non-lethal sonic combat. The device, when properly used, emits a high frequency burst of sound that can stun and subdue any individual or group not protected by Class 3 Sound Suppression Gear. The device can also disable the electronics of a moving vehicle or shatter windows at its highest setting. The gun company, recently experiencing a high windfall of profit due to the worldwide tension in such trouble spots as the Republic of Alaska and the A.B.C. (Argentina, Brazil, and Chile) Conflict, had touted the Move-A-Long as a 'peaceful' weapon and had hoped to quell protests from such groups as Amnesty International who had accused the gun maker of 'feeding the beast of tyranny'. The Move-A-Long was sold to Sector Police Districts in Ohio, Illinois, Virginia, and Oregon on a test basis before worldwide distribution.

The incident in question was one of the many protests staged by the separatist group Canadian Union, which advocates the secession of the industrial Midwest of America into an alliance with Canada. Canadian Union has been a major thorn in the side of the Midwest Military Authority and Ohio's Governor Lance 'Bulldog' Cummings, whose anti-protest protocols have been condemned even by this country's General Military Command for being too extremist. Cummings has been cited as a catalyst for at least five riots in the past three years, resulting in the deaths of 1,500 protesters, Sector Police officers, and bystanders. He is presently under indictment by the Hague's Human Rights Court as a possible accomplice to the murder of Irish Television News reporter Sandra Simmons, who died after submitting a news report about his handling of the Arkon Massacre of 2015. By some eyewitness accounts, the protest were about to become violent when the officer handling the Move-A-Long screamed about the weapon being on fire and telling everyone to 'hit the f*cking dirt!' prior to the explosion. Later reports had the protesters storming the barricade and damaging the weapon in the melee. The Sector Police are presently interviewing all surviving witnesses and its own weapon specialists for a more detailed assessment of the riot.

Smith and Wesson Spokesman Arthur Heston presented videos of the Move-A-Long trials and its stats as a 'safe' weapon in a press junket two days after the incident. Mr. Heston assured the reporters that the weapon experienced some defect in its coolant coil and 'such overheating is not uncommon in such devices where ill trained individuals sometimes push them beyond their limits.' (At a separate press conference in Geneva, Switzerland following the incident, Amnesty International spokesperson Tabitha Soren voiced the concerns that the Move-A-Long 'could've been easily converted into a weapon of mass destruction. The explosion in Cleveland clearly shows Smith and Wesson had more than just a so-called humanitarian purpose for the gun.')

For the moment, all remaining Move-A-Longs have been locked down and disarmed prior to the finished hearings. Sector Police have been informed not to use the weapon under any circumstances or allow it to fall into the wrong hands. Any stolen Move-A-Longs stolen have been classed as a Type 5 Violation of the Martial Law Code, garnering an automatic on the spot death penalty for possession of a weapon of mass destruction. All civilians are urged to report any sightings of a Move-A-Long immediately to their nearest Sector Police officer.

IS EVOLUTION FOR THE BIRDS?

By Daf9

A furor arose today at the 80th annual meeting of the Society of Vertebrate Paleontology being held at the University of Washington. The equanimity of this normally sedate group of scientists was severely tested during a keynote presentation by Dr. Malcolm Saunders titled " The discovery of co-mingled canine and apatasaur remains in Utah". Briefly, Dr. Saunders reported that while excavating the fossilized remains of a particularly fine specimen of Apatosaurus a number of other bones were discovered that were later identified to be those of a domesticated canine; a French poodle to be precise.

Carbon dating indicated that this was not a hoax: the French poodle and the apatosaur had indeed co-existed; throwing almost two hundred years of evolutionary theory into total chaos. Until this discovery modern dogs were believed to have first evolved around 40 million years ago while the last apatosaur vanished from the earth more than 150 million years ago. Scientists attending the meeting refused to comment but to a man (and woman) they looked shaken and pale upon leaving the building. The remainder of the meeting was quietly cancelled as the scientists returned to their homes to ponder this startling development.

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INTERNATIONAL NEWS

MORE ACTRESSES FESS UP TO GENETUCKING. HOLLYWOOD UP IN ARMS.

By Weirdarchive

The new dirty little secret in the Hollywood Expatriate Community is genetucking and from the fallout of Denise Richards and Neve Campbell's admission comes more stunning news as other actresses from the late 80s and 90s come forward.

A list of actresses and actors who have been genetucked to reverse the aging process was submitted to SAG Europe Headquarters today. In an ongoing investigation into the abuses of cosmetic genetic engineering being conducted by the Genetics Safety Enforcement Division of the World Health Organization, no less than thirty well known actresses and fifteen actors have been identified as either being the direct client of an illegal genetucking facility like the Eros Clinic or have refered others to such clinics. While the names have been kept out of public eyes for reasons of privacy, a number of actresses have given surprise press conferences to denounce those who have genetucked...or confess their guilt of genetucking. One of these confessions was made by Latin actress Jennifer Lopez in her retreat in the Free Mexican State of Yucatan.

At her press conference, a teary eyed Lopez told a stunned assembly about her five year patronage to the Everyouth Underground, a rogue clinic established in the Free Mexican States which was officially a complex catering to the health conscious mega-rich using the still unapproved method of genetic liposuction, a process where the body's own immune cells are used to metabolize fat away without surgery. Though officially aged at 50, Lopez looked more like 30 as she gave details about how her genetic code was manipulated to correct damage caused by time and living and increase the production of healthy new cells to replace those that were lost. "You have no idea of the pains I went through to look like this." ,Lopez pointed to her face. "If you think it's just needles and serums, you're sadly mistaken. I have been made an addict to maintain this form. I'm not even human anymore. I have to live on living protein now...just like a vampire." She then named several other clients of the Everyouth, including former hip-hop star Eminem (nee Marshall Bruce Mathers III), actor Tom Cruise, actress Thora Birch, and actor/director Seann William Scott. Officials from the G.S.E.D. then escorted Lopez out of the building.

Another press conference did not end as intended for another actress in a Tokyo hotel. Piper Perabo, officially aged 43, was in the middle of her confession of genetucking (this time to an unnamed London clinic), when she started to go into convulsions. Reporters raced to her side to help, but they were suddenly tossed around the room like rag dolls when Perabo reemerged as a ranting wild woman. She had grown a full foot in height with an abnormal amount of muscle tissue bulging out and ribbing her dress. Her fingernails had also grown three to five inches and her eyes, as one witness put it, 'went bugf*ck green.' She then rampaged out of the conference and climbed up the elevator shaft to the roof. According to witnesses, Perabo began attacking the pentihouse occupants with intent of eating their livers. Special police troops and members of the Toyko Animal Control Bureau had to resort to tasers and tranquilizers to subdue the woman, along with three others who were infected by her bite and had started to display similar traits. The body count stands at fifteen dead and ten injured, seven of them were lucky enough to merely suffer broken bones and concussions. The remaining individuals are presently under quarantine and armed guard pending blood tests. There is no further word of Perabo's present condition or that of her living victims.

While some Hollywood Expatriates have been quick to reveal their part in the growing genetucking scandal, others have been equally quick in condemning the hysteria. A group of actors and actresses including Chris Klein, Anne Hathaway, Mandy Moore, Jason Biggs, have issued a joint statement denouncing the ongoing genetucking expose as 'Gene Tide witch-hunting'. Speaking from his Malta estate, Klein expressed his disgust of the manner the press has handled the affair and hinted at a civil lawsuit against those press members to sold their videos of the Perabo news conference to the tabloids. "I'm not a genetuck junkie," ,he proclaimed. "But I'm not about to feed the fire to this new Holocaust. People like Jenny and Piper need our help, not our hate." That could be little comfort to those who have suffered side effects from genetucking like his former AMERICAN PIE co-star Shannon Elizabeth. She had made a videotape of herself, documenting her stay at an undisclosed clinic and how her brief restored beauty resulted into horrible consequences. The tape, submitted to the major news services, leaves little to the imagination as Elizabeth strips off her body suit to reveal scales growing out of her skin. Her tail bone was literally becoming a tail as her hair fell off in clumps and she started to slur her speech. Her teeth were falling off, replaced with fangs, and she started to chase around anything that moved...including a cat that was unfortunately killed and eaten. In the last vestiges of humanity, she grabbed a knife and tried to slit her own throat. Later, police raided her home and found what was left of the actress in a cocoon, turning into something beyond description. Members of the G.S.E.D. immediately carted the cocoon away for study. There has been no further word of her condition or whether she's alive.

The G.S.E.D. has established a hotline for people who may have been genetucked or have worked for any of the clinics to call in case they're suffering from the after effects of a genetic enhancement. Potential victims are urged to stayed in a secure area and not allow others to touch them or to be touched until the proper authorities arrive. The phone number to the G.S.E.D Gentuck Taskforce is 1-866-RED-MODE. For the moment, the WHO has not suggested establishing an international quarantine since most of the genetuck victims have been the ultra rich and may not have been exposed to the general public. The United Nations General Assembly in Toronto are meeting in emergency session to assess the situation.

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MEDICINE

DOLLY THE SHEEP MEET ASHLEY AND MARY-KATE

By Samcrazy

Is nothing in this world sacred?  When we thought we had something to depend on, this reporter discovers a fact that destroys it from the ground up.  A reliable informant, whose life work has been dedicated to cracking the human genetic code (in a project called GEMONE), has discovered something horrible and disturbing.  The stars of the hit comedy series 'Full House," and later "Two of a Kind' has turned out to be nothing but a genetic joke!  The two troublesome but loveable twins have had a made many successful films, all based upon their fabulous show of slapstick comedy (and occasional heartfelt romance), that they have earned a special place in people's hearts.  But after a shock report from a person who, for safety purposes has chosen to be called Mr. X, he unraveled a conspiracy that has been around for close to 30 years.

While looking through a report on the cloning of two mice called Benjy and Franky, he read a subheading describing a previous (successful) experiment involving a human subject.  It listed a file number, so Mr. X chose to look it up.  When he discovered the file, which was marked TOP SECRET DO NOT OPEN UNLESS 'PASSPORT TO PARIS' IS NOT A SUCCESS he found something that has hit hard-core fans of the 'Olsen' twins hard.  The original twin was cloned on request of their biological father, who when interviewed had 'no comment'.  The two darling twins were taken into hiding along with only half of their wardrobe and a television so they could watch 'Two of a Kind' reruns.  It seems that they wish to hide from the public eye, who are now asking, 'How did it happen?' and 'Who's the fake?'

The first question seems simple to answer.  We got a profession to explain it to us, in particular to this reporter who is still reeling from the terrible news.

Daphne Nine-O, a geneticist who describes herself as being a grouchy homeowner and a person who has had a lab accident in the last five years but didn't bother to call Claims Direct because she doesn't like soccer, says this about the twins:

"'This is a classic case of 'fame-itis'.  When the original twin was born he saw a lovable terror, who when put in the right situation, like that one from the episode when she wants to go to Corrie's party but can't because her father doesn't want her going to a college do, you know, that one?  Anyway, he though, why have one when two cute twins could earn me double?  So, he used his 'connections' to find the number of a top-secret research facility, which had rumors attached to it that it was experimented with gene manipulation, and after intensive (but top-secret, don't forget top-secret) talks and a lot of bribery, they agreed to clone the original child and then, as an added bonus, change the first kid so she will look even more sickly sweet then she does already.  And all during this time, the father was ignoring the wishes of the mother, who didn't want to have two children after reading an article in 'New Woman' magazine about how annoying two identical twins can be.  As you might of guessed, they went along with the procedure and now we have two of them."

The second question is harder to answer, as this information is super-duper top secret.  And this reporter has been advised to 'leave it alone' by a member of the news staff, who is a real hardcore fan.  He describes their acting as being 'wonderfully realistic and entertaining.  I believed them through and through.  They're Ultra Magnetic!' I quote.  He doesn't want either girl's reputation to be damaged by this report, but by not speculating this report damages both their reputations, this I pointed out to him but he just stuck his fingers in his ears and started humming.

Is this the first of many cases of genetic manipulation? Or are other stars of other TV shows such as 'Sister Sister' and 'Big Bear in the Big Blue House' also results of tampering with nature?  How can we ever tell? 

To finish up this report, we went out onto the street and asked how the people are coping with this news.

Zing-Wit Lemon says: 'I loved those twins, I don't see how anyone can look at one of their shows without asking himself or herself, 'what is the world coming to?'

Kerry Onlafing says: 'Maybe genetic manipulation explains their acting' (this reporter had to be restrained from attacking this girl)

Toby Ornotobe: 'NO!!! NO!!!! IT CAN'T BE TRUE!' (Then he ran off crying like a baby)

Rosie Cheeks: 'I'm seeing a therapist, it's just such a shock…I mean Mary-Kate and Ashley being fiddled with at birth…I, I…need to be alone'

Mary Goround: 'the news got me right where it hurts, you know…right here…I loved Mary-Kate.  But she could be the fake one…now I don' know whom to trust…'

Ria Lee-Upset: 'My brother and I can't put our shock into words.  So we won't'

There is corruption all around us.  But it has just reached a new level.  This is a plea from this reporter's heart, don't mess with genetics.  We may just end up with a two-headed cow or something.

THE HIDDEN DANGERS OF HUMAN ADULT STEM CELLS

By Daf9

The National Institutes of Health and the AMA issued a joint statement today calling for an immediate halt to all human adult stem cell research. Research into the medical use of adult stem cells was driven primarily by the ban on embryonic stem cell research that was issued at the turn of the century. Although this research was initially hampered by the very low numbers of  stem cells present in adults, new techniques for concentrating and harvesting these cells have largely overcome this problem. However, scientists from the Mayo Clinic reported in this week's Lancet that while adult stem cells, like embryonic stem cells offer potential cures for Parkinson's, Alzheimer's and diabetes, the adult cells appear to be responsible for a troubling rise in the incidence of medical problems amongst stem cell recipients.

Studies performed at the Mayo Clinic suggest that unlike embryonic stem cells, the adult cells (unless maintained under extremely precise culture conditions) have a tendency to promote increased blood clotting upon injection into patients. This increased clotting causes cerebral aneurysms or stroke.

Like many scientific discoveries this one arose serendipitously as the result of some undergraduate research being performed in the laboratory by a young student named Ben [last name withheld at the request of government authorities]. Although only a student, Ben was the first scientist to discover how to grow adult stem cells in culture so as to maintain their pluripotency. His intense interest in this problem was apparently based on what his mentors considered his unusual preoccupation with the idea of using adult stem cells to grow teeth in the laboratory. On the weekend prior to the first surgery scheduled to implant these cultured teeth into a patient the research came to an abrupt end when both Ben and the teeth vanished. Subsequently, other students in the laboratory who continued to use Ben's adult stem cell cultures made the discovery described in the Lancet report.

Several doctors asked by the 'Streets of Seattle' to comment on this latest wrinkle in stem cell research, expressed their concern that this new ban would fuel an increase in the unauthorized creation of human embryos in vitro  for the sole purpose of harvesting stem cells. The same doctors dismissed as  wild rumor the unconfirmed report that embryonic stem cells have been found in adult blood in a few rare individuals.  

SERIOUSLY ILL PATIENT ALMOST DIES DUE TO MEDICAL ERROR

By Daf9

Local medical officials were shocked to learn a man almost died at Metro Medical Hospital this week because of an error any high school freshman could have caught. This error was in fact caught by a high school freshman working as a volunteer in the blood bank. The patient was brought into the hospital in a comatose state having suffered a sudden arterial rupture as a late complication of a previous traumatic injury. After controlling the bleeding, his doctor wanted to transfuse him but because his rare blood type AB- was not available in the blood bank at the time, the doctor was prepared to let the man bleed to death! Luckily for this particular patient an unidentified friend showed up at the hospital and performed a direct blood transfusion. Apparently she told the patient that she was a universal donor. Whole blood donation is an extremely dangerous thing to do without testing blood compatibility first since in addition to the common ABO and Rh factors that are found in red blood cells and serum respectively, there are a number of other potential sources of blood incompatibility in whole blood that are not a problem in packed red blood cells which is what the patient probably should have received. Fortunately for both the patient and the hospital, which could have been looking at a major lawsuit, the patient survived the unorthodox transfusion procedure.

When the case was presented at Grand Rounds several days later the high school student volunteer stood up and explained to the board-certified surgeon that while AB- is the rarest blood type; present in less than 2% of the American population, an AB- patient can be transfused with ANY OTHER Rh- blood type; ie any A-, B- or O- individual. 15-16% of Americans are Rh-. Furthermore as a male, he could also be transfused with Rh+ red blood cells if Rh- cells were not available as transfusing an Rh- individual with Rh+ red blood cells only creates a serious problem in women of child bearing years. As the student explained to the audience AB- means the person has an antigen called A and an antigen called B on their red blood cells but does not have an antigen called Rh in the blood serum (hence the negative sign). O means you express neither the A nor the B antigen. If your blood carries a particular antigen then you will be able to tolerate red  blood cells carrying that antigen. Transfusion with blood carrying an A or B antigen not expressed by your own blood cells will cause the blood in your veins and arteries to coagulate and will kill you very quickly. O- individuals express none of those antigens and thus are universal donors; their blood being tolerated by people of any other blood type. O- is only slightly more common than AB-; being present in about 4% of the population. Thus if you require a whole blood transfusion you are less likely to find a donor if you are O- than if you are AB-. Upon hearing this recital by the 14 year old, the surgeon turned beet-red and left the room without speaking.

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EDITORIAL

SHARING
By Shnapzie
Everyone knows how worthless the government is. The higher-ups in the bureaucracy have no sense of justice, integrity, or gratitude. We all endure it, and the lesser or greater effects it has on our lives.

Certain people, however, deserve better treatment than that. Veterans, preeminently. They gave their best for America, and in many cases were seriously wounded physically or psychologically in the process. But tragically, these disabled veterans have a worse plight than the average
citizen.

In the workplace today, with unemployment higher than it's ever been, it's almost impossible for the disabled to find a job. Without work, they are unable to finance the lifestyle changes their infirmities require. And the government provides them with no monetary compensation whatsoever.

Some veterans have found a workable, albeit inconvenient, solution. Many of them will pool their money to purchase a single wheelchair, set of crutches, etc. and then will use these items on a time-share basis. But having only a limited amount of time to utilize this equipment makes finding employment even more difficult than they already have it.

And some veterans have resorted to begging, relying on the goodness of others, to survive. That's the saddest of all. "The goodness of others" is in short supply these days, and so many vets die of hunger and/or exposure if they must resort to this method.

Someday, courageous people of America will once again be needed to fight for their country. And it wouldn't surprise me that when that time comes, the citizenry will say "Stick it!"

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LETTERS TO THE EDITOR

Dear Editer

Me 'n the boys down at Joe's bar and gun emporium were reading yer article in last weeks edition about them Alaskans. Nuke em back to the Stone Age. That's what our government would do if they weren't all a bunch of wusses!

REd-neck reader

PS Make them give us back our money first.

To the editor

I am writing to complain about an article in last week's edition about turning your feet into cash. As President-Elect-for-Life of the Association of Diabetics who have lost one or both feet to gangrene I wish to protest on behalf of our membership against this flagrant discrimination against the footless. You will be hearing from our lawyers as soon as they can figure out how to enter your non-handicap accessible building.

Dear Editor;

I was at my local carnival, and they had this booth.  You could have your picture put on the cover of a fake edition of Streets of Seattle.  So I had one done saying I was Seattle's Most Wanted, 'cause my girlfriend thought it was cute, right?  Anyway, I lost it, and the next thing I know some stupid Sector cop got hold of it, and he's hunting me down.  This guy's too dumb to check the computer at the precinct, he thinks he'll get some big promotion if he catches me.  Could you please tell him it was a joke, so I can go back home?

Thanks,

Steve Jones

Editor's note: to the Sector Police representative in question: the edition you found was indeed a joke.  We have checked into the situation, and Mr. Jones is no one's "Most Wanted."

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FEATURES

CHEAP WEDDINGS

By Dark_Fairy

If you are planning a wedding soon, and don't have much money, then maybe you should listen to this.  Weddings are expensive projects, but if you know the right people, or have  the right ideas, you can have a great wedding and not have to pay much at all.

Dresses are expensive in Seattle, especially since the Pulse.  But in Sally Anne's Dresses, you can buy cheap dresses that have been used only once.

Flowers are expensive as well, it is very hard to find the perfect flowers in a city.  And florists are just getting paid, they  don't seem to care about the flowers. But this spring and summer, Ms. Fletcher has flowers which are magnificent, and cheap! She sells roses for $2 per dozen, and many others for bargains prices. This week only, buy magnolias for only 5 cents each!

If you need to use the church, its booked up solid for the next year.  But you can hitch-hike to Los Vegas and spend all you money at a  casino, get drunk, and get married in a CARDBOARD BOX! If Las Vegas isn't for you, you may just want to wait a year until you get money, to afford a  wedding.

If you're really desperate to get married, here is some handy hints to save  money;

1) Borrow a dress from the store, don't return it.

2) Instead of flowers, go into the street and get rocks :)

3) Use cardboard as your seats.. and don't invite you fat aunt Sally.

4) Don't pay the caterer.

5) Go to your family and borrow money, spend the money on alcohol for the bachelor/ bachelorette party.

6) Make a mud cake instead of a wedding cake, claim you like dark chocolate 

better.

7) Make a wedding dress out of toilet paper, just don't spill ANYTHING on it.

8) On your bachelor/ette party, have your fiancé do the dancing.

9) Tape the radio's music, for your wedding.

10) Why get married in the first place, you won't have to pay anything, and you won't have to worry about going to court if you need to get a divorce.

This reporter, reports that if you want a good wedding, but can't afford it, get a loan from the bank, or borrow money from family.

PASSING AS A CANADIAN, PART 3

By Daf9

So far in this course we have covered Canadian money, eating tiny donuts and putting ketchup on eggs. By now you're probably wondering what can possibly be left to learn about passing as a Canadian.

Two things. Hockey and hockey. Every Canadian male over the age of 3 owns a pair of skates...and unless you're an Olympic speed skater they'd better be hockey skates!

And in the same vein, if an RCMP officer looking for illegal immigrants stops you on the street and asks you to sing the Canadian national anthem do NOT start singing "O Canada". The correct response is to start humming the music from "Hockey Night in Canada". If asked who the first Canadian Prime Minister was.... Don't reply with the apparently correct response "Mackenzie King". No, no, no. The correct answer is actually either Foster Hewitt (HNIC's announcer for many years) or Johnny Bower (a goalie for the Maple Leafs from way back when). And when giving the officer a friendly grin and a "keep your stick on the ice", make sure you are sporting a black eye, cut lip, at least one missing or broken tooth or some other sign of having been in a recent hockey game.

ODDITIES

By Logans_Babe

So you are sitting in your dumpy apartment on that torn up piece of smelly furniture you call your couch. And suddenly you hear an odd noise, but don't worry, that is just the cats up stairs mating again. But wait, there! Violins... or or....some kinda of music? You go to investigate and find a two headed cricket playing Beethoven's 2nd symphony. No, you are not imagining things. The local science lab was experimenting with DNA and unfortunately for the crickets, the tests went awry. The crickets managed to get out of their cages and are running wild in the city. These creepy crawlies are smart and they can play one h*ll of a dueling banjo. If you see one of these crickets, do not attempt to capture it. Call the local science lab at 555-6789.

If you have something odd you would like to share, contact Logans_babe at SOS.

ODDBALLS

Remember that long piece of card board that just happened to make its way into the alley out back? Take it and fold it twice (so that it is in thirds) then simply stand it in the middle of your room and voila! Two rooms for the price of one. (just don't tell your landlord, he might want to charge you for it!) If you get seriously inspired, you can always use paints to spruce it up a bit. Logans_Babe

Need a cradle for your blessed event? The box from your color television makes an excellent substitute. Need an entire room? The packaging from your home entertainment system will provide your baby with all the room he or she will need until he goes off to college.  Daf9

Tired of eating cold food?  Ovens are expensive, even second-hand, and hot plates are in short supply.  But every thrift store has a good supply of barely-used irons at bargain prices.  Pick up some tinfoil or even scrap sheet metal, and you can create hot meals ranging from grilled cheese to Pop-N-Fresh biscuits to crispy bacon.  Just don't use the iron on your clothes afterward, or you'll be followed around by dogs. Jennem11

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FOOD

WHINING FOR WINE

By Ewachsmuth

The multitude of pre-pulse wines is no longer available in America today. The prices, like most pricing in America, has skyrocketed and only the very rich can afford pre or post pulse wine. Still, there are alternatives.

The first is to steal it, not a good alternative as there are some tedious repercussions. The second is to make it yourself. A good winer can either buy the ingredients, which would cost almost as much as the bottle of wine itself, steal them, find a fruit orchard, or make do with market or restaurant refuse.

The simple formula for fermentation is: SUGAR + YEAST = ALCOHOL + CARBON DIOXIDE (CO2). Sugar and yeast are present naturally in ripe grapes and fruit, but you may need more. This natural yeast is killed when the alcohol level reaches 4% by volume, and if you desire your wine to be stronger, you will wish to find extra yeast and sugar. If you find it difficult to procure the necessary ingredients, it might be helpful to find a partner who will aid you in doing so.

As you make the wine, remember to keep all equipment as clean as possible or you will ruin the flavor.

Wine making procedures:

1. Boil the fruit in a non metal and non earthenware container.

2. In a plastic bucket with a lid, smash the fruit until it is just pulp and juice. Extract seeds.

3.Add non-chlorinated water. Let it sit for a day.

4. Add the required amounts of sugar and yeast and allow the must to ferment in the bowl, for approximately 10 - 20 days, in a warm place, at° around 65° - 75°F. Stir the must regularly with wooden spoon or clean stick.

5. The actual start of fermentation will take place within two days and this will be noticeable from the layer of foam and bubbles that develops on the surface of the must.

6. Strain the must into a glass jar with a pair of clean old nylons. Fit a fermentation trap and fill the jar to within an inch of the bottom of the bung. Temperature should be at approximately 60°F, for this second stage of fermentation. Fermentation will now take place at a much slower pace and will proceed for several weeks, until all bubbling ceases.

7. Siphon the cleared wine to remove the yeast deposits from the bottom of the jar. This process should be repeated about a month later and usually a third siphoning is recommended, after a further three weeks.

8. You can drink your wine when it is approximately six weeks old.

9. If you bottle it, cork it securely. Bottles should then be stored on their sides, out of direct sunlight, in a vibration-free environment at a temperature of around 50°F.

A third alternative would be to procure a bottle of juice, let it sit in the sun for two weeks, strain it, let it sit in a cold dark place for four weeks, and drink. It doesn't taste as good as alternatives one and two, but it's still fermented.

Good luck to all winers!

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NEIGHBORHOOD

POLICE REPORT

Saturday, 2PM Police responded to a call that a neighbor's party was too  loud. Arrived to find the neighbors, two juvenile females holding a "tea party," playing a music box. Caller was arrested for making an unnecessary complaint.

Saturday 11PM Sector police were called to investigate a loud party at Fogle Towers. Upon arrival police found many of the occupants of the apartment in possession of suspicious substances. These were removed to police lock-up from which they mysteriously disappeared. Curiously, the following day 90% of the precinct called in sick with Balkan War syndrome. IAD is investigating.

Thursday 3AM A gang war erupted into the streets wounding 2 innocent bystanders and killing 3 gang members. Officer Robert Trident was first on the scene and was gunned down in cold blood. Police are said to be cracking down on the gang element over the next few days. Several suspects are now in custody and being interrogated.

Monday, 2AM Someone's car could not go through flooding road. It was raining at the time. Three ladies where in the car and we are glad to report that they  are ok, but only one lane was open on Monday which cause a huge traffic jam.

Monday, 10AM Called to Nyquist Alley to control a domestic argument. Wife was battering husband with strange female shoe she found under the bed. Situation rectified when husband  explained he was a cross-dresser. No arrests made.

Wednesday 4PM Based on a tip from an anonymous source, police managed to apprehend at least two members of the ring of dog breeders/trainers who have been providing Seattle with those infamous chicken-stealing Chihuahuas that have been plaguing the farmers' market and other purveyors of fresh fowl for the past month. When asked by reporters at their arraignment why Chihuahuas and not some larger breed of dog, one of the breeders replied "Well, farmers are suspicious when a large dog approaches one of their booths; Chihuahuas they tend to ignore until its too late." Now the word is out on the Chihuahua, the members of the ring who remain at large will undoubtedly switch to some other breed of dog.

Thursday,4PM A suspect, described as a white male in his late 30's, went into the gas station on the corner of Main St. and 4th St. and threatened the clerk with a knife. The clerk stated that the suspect was upset that his pack  of M&M's, that he had bought there earlier that day, was not a winner. Police are still looking for the suspect at this time.

CELEBRITY BIRTHDAYS

Celebrating their birthdays today:

Jennem1, editor-in-chief of Streets of Seattle

Linda Carter, pre-Pulse actress best known for her portrayal of Wonder Woman

Anna Paquin, another pre-Pulse actress and Jennifer Lopez, yet a third actress who by a miracle of modern science is turning 31 yet again.

Other famous people born on this day:

Bell Abzug, congresswoman and feminist who would have been 100 years old

today were she alive.

Jason Billingsley, the first employee of Starbucks. Since Starbucks and Microsoft merged after the Pulse, creating Microbucks, Mr. Billingsley had been spending his time on the talk show circuit. He would have celebrated his 65th birthday this year had it not been for the unfortunate incident late last month. For legal reasons we are prohibited from discussing it in print.

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CLASSIFIEDS

For My Angel: Come Back to Me

In young, great brown eyes

In the words poured from soft sighs

There resides her heart

In her feline sight

In the vast speed of her flight

There resides her strength

In her childhood years

Locked in corridors of fear

There resides her pain

In a lone penthouse

In the Streets of Seattle

Here resides her love.

Wanted: To whom I sold my wheelchairs, Due to unforeseen circumstances, I would greatly appreciate your selling them back to me. Unfortunately the family business has been seized and so I can only afford to pay you half as much as you paid me. Thanks! Contact Logan, Fogle Towers, Seattle. AND PLEASE HURRY!!!!

Wanted: Snake, preferably poisonous and alive. Needed for a ritualistic cult ceremony.

FOR RENT: Nice two bedroom apartment in Sector 5. Only has minor rodent problem. $400 per month, electricity is $100 extra. Please call, 26537895123670.