Dark_Angel_9

STREETS OF SEATTLE

(date withheld), 2019

http://pages.prodigy.net/jennem

To our readers: The stories appearing in today's STREETS OF SEATTLE have been cleared by the U.S. Army under the provisions of the Martial Law Declaration of 2009 and the National Emergency Declaration of 2010.

Editor in Chief: Jennem1

Senior Editor: Daf9

Managing Editor: Samcrazy

Chief Financial Officer: Logans_Babe

Chief Reporter: Weirdarchive

Opinions Editor: Shnapzie

Contributing Reporter: Dark_Angel_9

Contributing Reporter: QMontgomery

Contributing Reporter: Cherokee128

Contributing Reporter: Dammachine

Contributing Reporter: Sportzgirl16

Contributing Reporter: Darkangelbby

******************************************

LOCAL NEWS

SECTOR POLICE: HOW TO IMPOUND THE DISHONEST WAY

By Samcrazy

In a shocking tip-off from Eyes Only, we have discovered that various members of the police working in the Sector surveillance department have been impounding vehicles that were safe, by damaging them themselves. There have been scattered reports of this occurrence across Seattle, but the voices were quickly silenced as they realized that nobody cared. But we here at the 'Streets' stand up for what is right, and this reporter can't be silenced. (Easily.)

What can you do when the law turns bad? In these twisted times the sabotaging of a few peoples' vehicles by police officers seems unimportant, but we can all see that this is a slippery slope. With departments like the sector police remaining unchecked by standard commissioners, more cops will believe that destroying rear headlights, brakes and tires is a form of entertainment. There seems to be nothing we can do, for all we know the people who check the police department could be as crooked as the police themselves.

This paper has uncovered many instances involving the police, and it seems to get worse as time draws on. We did some surveillance on two cops that we have reason to believe are two of these said offenders. We watched them for 24 hours, taking shifts on and off, and we observed that during the day, the two officers (who we won't name) allowed over twenty people pass without a problem, they were even courteous. But come night, there was a transformation in their demeanor.

We watched two cars as they were stopped by the two. One of them passed through safety but the other, which we believe was driven by a youth, had its side view mirror knocked out by one of the officers. He was issued with a fine and told to get out of the car. At around twelve o'clock (midnight) a man on a bike was stopped, seemingly to be the victim of the same injustice. This time the man was pushed off the bike and made to witness his Harley's brake pad pulled off. It was painful to witness.

But we have set up a way to fix this problem. A new organization that will take your report of police abuse and compile a list, then they will send it to the head of the police department in Seattle. We will not stop until this corruption is over. And that may be a long time...

BROWNOUT BABIES

By Darkangelbby

Seattle was struck with yet another brown out. It lasts for 3 hours and 45 minutes.

That was about 9 months ago. Now, hospitals are being overloaded in the maternity unit. More babies have been born in Seattle in the past few days, then in the entire month of February.

The question to the readers is this: What is so romantic about having a power outage? Or were you just passing the time till it came back on?

One woman said, "We were just bored and cold, so we decided to do something about that. Now look at us, WE HAVE TRIPLETS!!! We'll go hungry! Now I have to give them up!! Bloody f%$#ing brownout!!"

So there you have it folks. Use protection in brown outs.

Since the power went away

Not a diaper to be had

But dry cleaners aren't sad

"Babies keep us in business" they say

DAF9

THE SHOOTING

By Dark_Angel_9

Janelle Righter was shot down last night. The cloudy night had many secrets to hide. How would she have known her murder was one of those secrets?. She was apparently on a walk like she usually did at night, and was shot by an unknown suspect.

The gunman has not been traced. Janelle will be in intensive care until the doctors are happy with her recovery. We are allowed to announce that Janelle was shot in the stomach, and her insides were blown. There are some damage to her spinal cord, and they are unsure she will be able to walk again.

Janelle is unable to explain her side of the story, but several witnesses are going to be helping into the investigation. We were able to track down a Mr. Ryan Senter, who was a witness to this accident.

"Hello Mr. Senter, I believe you were a witness in last nights terrible accident?"

"Yes.. and I am willing to give my view of the accident, but don't forget to pay me at the end.."

"Right.. well what happened?"

"Well, I was walking Dotty.."

"Who's Dotty?"

"My wife.."

"Ooohkay.." There is a pause.

"Anyway, I'm walking my wife and.."

"Do you use a leash to walk your wife?"

"Don't you want to know about the accident.."

*I look at him.*

"Yea, I do use a leash on Dotty.. actually"

I got him talking about how he treats his wife, so he forgot to ask me to pay him.. But anyway Janelle was released from the hospital later that day, the doctors claiming she had no health insurance. Later that day, Janelle collapsed on her way home, after being shot in the head by guess who?

I mean it, guess!! Oh, well, it was Ryan Senter, then Ryan tried to put the evidence on Dotty. Ryan is now been placed into the nearest correction facility, and his wife.. has been placed in the pound at her request.

******************************************

NATIONAL NEWS

IT'S FINALLY OVER

By Daf9

Washington D.C.

Their final appeals were exhausted almost six weeks ago, and President Barrows punctuated his emphatic refusal to even consider clemency by spending the entire day on the golf course. Thus at long last, despite personal pleas from the Governor of Alaska and the Canadian Prime Minister, four of the six terrorists found guilty of setting off the EMP back in 2009 were finally put to death today at an undisclosed location. The other two convicted terrorists managed to cheat the government of exacting its punishment. Chakrapani Ahuja was killed in a prison riot shortly after his trial, and Aidan Ryan died of an aortic aneurysm about six months ago.

Exalted Reverend Samantha Adjia of the Nation of Islam Reformed, formerly the American Pop Culture slave Britney Spears, was present at the executions at the request of the condemned men and women.

Nadira Hill, who has acted as spokesperson for the prisoners over the last 10 years, had this to say before she was strapped down on the table and administered the lethal injection. "We were only trying to do what the US government tried to do to Microsoft back in 2000. We saw that the US government itself had become so powerful it was on the verge of becoming an economic and political monopoly. Since there was no official legislation in place to deal with anti-trust issues involving entire countries we decided to take matters into our own hands and break it up. Truthfully, our actions succeeded beyond our wildest expectations. We were just trying to make it more like Canada or Mexico; we never expected the US to become an actual Third World country."

Ms. Hill reminded the reporters and government officials present that no lives had been lost as a direct result of the EMP although she couldn't deny that the economic disruption that followed the Pulse was clearly responsible for the 10 year drop in life expectancy experienced by the US in the years 2010-2019.

The official times of death were as follows:

Lindani Davis 12:01 AM E.S.T.

Wilhelm Volker 12:42 AM E.S.T

Maria Rossi 1:29 AM E.S.T.

Nadira Hill 2:00 AM E.S.T.

The government had tried very hard to keep both the place and time of the executions secret. However; contrary to expectations, there were very few protests. Several family members of the terrorists who showed up for a final visit with their loved ones left prior to the executions and all refused to comment to the press.

Other than reporting Ms. Hill's final words and announcing the times of death, prison and government officials also refused to comment.

WHITE HOUSE RENOVATIONS TO COST TAXPAYERS $2000

By Qmontgomery

(WASHINGTON) Renovations planned for the White House will reportedly add an underwhelming $2000.00 to the national budget, an expense which is expected to be picked up by apathetic taxpayers. White House Spokesperson Don Bumkee announced the plans at a Senate meeting Monday.

The "Big" White House, as it is now known, was destroyed in a fire caused by a malfunctioning Star Wars Missile Defense System in 2017. It was replaced shortly after with a double-wide trailer.

The families of the President and of the Vice President reside in the 750-square foot trailer, which features three bedrooms, ten square feet of closet space, a stainless steel trailer hitch, and a doorbell which plays the theme song from the popular 1980s sitcom, Full House. One of the three bedrooms has since been converted into an office for the President.

Bumkee said that the upcoming renovations are much needed. "With the military doing most of the governing over the last few years," he said, "the President's needs have, unfortunately, been pushed to the back burner. One of our top focuses in the renovation project will be filling in the bullet holes on the front of the trailer. We also thought it would be nice if we could install a window in the President's office, since frequent blackouts make it necessary to work by candlelight much of the time."

Other plans include laying carpet in the six square foot hallway, and replacing the curtains in the trailer's kitchen.

The $2000 cost of renovations will amount to approximately 6.67 cents per taxpayer, or 14 cents per household.

DETROIT TO ROLL OUT NEW AUTOMOBILES AT LAST! "JOBS A-PLENTY FOR ALL!" BOASTS GOVERNOR.

By Weirdarchive

A rare and wonderful event occurred at some of the formerly abandoned automotive plants in Detroit, Michigan Tuesday afternoon. Thanks to investments from Canada, Russia, Japan and American corporations, the seemingly unsalvageable auto industry roared back into life with the new Landmaster Armored Civilian Transports for 2020. In a ceremony packed with excited citizens and unemployed members of the United Auto Workers Union eager to get back to work after a long dry spell, the Governor of Michigan William Kovick and Canadian motor tycoon Hayden Thibodeaux III cut the ribbon to the most modern non-biotech manufacturing plant in the country. Almost immediately, job offers came pouring out and were taken in a mad rush that almost became a riot. "It's a great day for America." Governor Kovick smiled as he helped pass out application forms and free ration cards to jubilant workers. "We've been idle far too long in the automotive industry with Japan, China, and India making our cars. In a way, I figure even the Asian Co-Prosperity Sphere reasoned it was time for us to get back on our feet with making new cars. I'm glad they gave such a generous investment because we really need to get these proud men and women of the UAW back working. They and those before them made this country great by hard work, and I'm happy to live to see this day." Thibodeaux echoed the sentiment. "My great-great-great grandfather was unemployed in Toronto during the First Depression. He hopped on a train to Detroit and managed to get a job at the old Ford plant, sweeping the floor and cleaning the toilets. Later in the Second World War, he helped to make the tanks for the Allies and got good money which he invested wisely. Today, I repay America's kindness by opening this first of many plants under the Thibodeaux Motors banner, owned by Americans for Americans!" Each member of the UAW has been promised an advance of $500 in ration cards, a year's worth of Canadian beef and vegetables, and full medical coverage on the plant's site for them and their immediate families if hired. Each applicant, whether hired or not, was given a $10 ration card that day for their troubles. About 15,000 men and women have applied for work already, with more to come.

Among the new cars and transports to be made in the new plant is the highly vaunted Landmaster Armored Civilian Transport, essentially a military-style armored truck capable of intercontinental travel through the worst terrain imaginable. The Landmaster is fully armor-plated with the latest lightweight alloys capable of repelling every known form of ordinance including some armor piecing bullets. It uses the latest in methane engines that can go for nearly twenty-four hours of travel before a recharge, with the added security of a back-up tank that can add an additional five hours in case of attack. Its self defense system included twin frontal Gatling guns, a rear cannon pod, and electric shock paneling that can adjusted within the cockpit to inflict a mild charge to instant death. The tires are self-sealing and can be replaced by its automated retread system even at a full speed of 185 MPH. Its communications system is capable of wireless Internet access, real time satellite relay (for those eager to catch up with their SOPRANO re-runs), and can receive at least five radio stations with CD quality surround sound. The cabin can seat a family of six with full kitchen, bathroom, first aid, and bedroom facilities with an option for pets and an additional five persons at a fee. It can carry roughly 30 tons of cargo for the capacity of five more tons if required. It has the latest in navigation control and is capable of limited auto-control (including the 'Dead Man's Switch') if the driver is incapacitated.

For now, the new Landmasters will be made available for multinational corporations and a few private individuals. The price tag has been retailed at $250,000 a truck, but a more economical version is in the works. There's already plans to open another five plants within the Detroit Metro area and even talks of reopening more auto factories in Indiana, Illinois, and Wisconsin. Needless to say, the governors of those states are actively courting Thibodeaux and other Canadian auto makers for a piece of the action.

LOTTERIES TO BE REESTABLISHED, GOVERNMENT TO OVERSEE FUNDING.

By Weirdarchive

The American Government, desperate for alternate sources of income and trying to find a way to quell the growing unrest that has sparked such revolts as the Republic of Alaska and the present crisis in Florida and Texas, will re-institute an old favorite pastime from the pre-Pulse past...lotteries. Naturally, there are going to be a few twists involved.

At a press conference in Omaha, Secretary of the Treasury Frank Harris gloated about the new plan to assist those states which had a lottery system (such as Oregon and Washington) by reestablishing them with federal grant money on the condition that they help create a national lottery within five years. "I'm very excited over this." Harris said. "It's been a long time coming for the people to have a nice distraction from the Depression." While specific details have been kept secret for security reasons, the general objective is to first fund the weekly big money lotteries and the daily pick 3 and play 4 number systems. Instant scratch-offs and mini-lottos (also known as 'Fantasy 5' in some states) will then be reintroduced on a gradual basis, based on public reaction and monetary growth. States not wishing to participate can opted out for now, but the hope of a 52 state national lottery system is the ultimate goal by the newly created American Lottery Council based in Salt Lake City, Utah.

Prizes to be won will reflect the present economic crisis, ranging from a minimum five paper dollar (or its equivalent in ration stamps and gold) to a million gold dollars to an exemption of federal and state income taxes for the next thirty years to even a new car and ration stamps for life! States can adjust the prize amounts as needed, but the big money prizes are to remain intact. Only the disputed areas of Florida, Texas, and Alaska are prohibited from participation. Most state lotteries went bankrupt after the Pulse wiped out their electronic treasuries and the Bank Runs of 2009 and 2011. For the moment, only the states in the New England region and Nevada have some form of a lottery system, funded mostly by foreign capital.

While many in the Federal government applaud the idea, some anti-gambling and religious groups question the very notion of reestablishing the state lotteries and the eventual introduction of a national numbers game. Rev. Prudence Bowden of the Gay and Lesbian Baptist Alliance issued the following statement. "We vehemently oppose the government's latest attempt at dodging the problem of mass unemployment and poverty by backing the familiar money pit that is the lottery system. Only the very poor will ever play this shell game that'll benefit the wealthy and the government. The temptation for fraud and abuse is too great to permit in a country already burdened with the Depression. We urge the government to replace this fool's pipe dream with a jobs program that'll put honest bread on the table...not blood money." The Las Vegas Gaming Association, one of the few remaining gambling organizations left solvent after the Pulse, is considering filing a civil suit to prevent the ALC from laying the groundwork for a national lottery. "We don't have a problem with states having a lotto." ,a spokesman said off the record. "But a national lottery system will drain this city's capital like an open wound. We need our state's money to stay in our state. We no need no stinkin' Fed Bread!" Other states are pondering whether to join the civil suit or counter sue since some of the surrounding states have suffered greatly from Las Vegas' unrestrictive uses of wire gambling and the funding to widen its growing 'off-shore' Internet gambling empire. So far, fifteen states have expressed interest in revamping their lottery system.

******************************************

INTERNATIONAL NEWS

SUPREME COURT OF CANADA ABOLISHES THE NATIONAL ANTHEM

By Daf9

This is what happens when you start trying too hard to be politically correct.

Back in 2001, an effort was launched to change the words of Canada's national anthem to replace the word "sons" with a more gender-neutral term.

It was only the beginning.

The following year the Associations of Canadians living abroad and Immigrant Canadians banded to together to have the words "home and native land" removed from the anthem.

In 2005 the Canadian National Institute for the Blind successfully petitioned on behalf of visually impaired Canadians to have the line "With glowing hearts we see thee rise" removed.

In 2008 the Canadian coalition of differentially-abled persons persuaded the government to remove the line "and stand on guard" on the basis that it discriminates against the bed-ridden and those in wheelchairs.

"God keep our land".... Canadian atheists had that line removed in 2015.

In 2016, in an effort to avoid discriminating against ANY group of Canadians the lyrics to the national anthem were eliminated.

In today's ruling the Supreme Court of Canada acknowledged that the song itself was potentially offensive to thousands of deaf Canadians.

A movement is now underway to have 3 minutes and 45 seconds of absolute silence adopted as the new official national anthem.

LET US PRAY…WHOOPS! CAN'T DO THAT!

By Shnapzie

For the most part, humans are a relatively rational species. (I say relatively because none of you have met my aunt LaDawn.) However, there is one subject that can and does transform the sanest, most down-to-earth individual into an obstinate, close-minded piece of work or a fanatical zealot. Religion.

Religion is a matter of extremes. It may be hard to believe, but once upon a time the government had open ties to Christianity. During the latter end of the 20th century, the ACLU (nowhere near the gigantic institution it now is) took it upon itself to rid the country of any and all vestiges of the dominant religion. It started small. First to go was school prayer and the displaying of the Ten Commandments in public. Then Christmas and Easter music and paraphernalia were banned in public places. Then came more drastic wins; by 2006 the ACLU succeeded in it's quest to remove "In God We Trust" from America's coin money. Several important victories followed, each one raising the Union to greater levels of power and importance. Finally, in 2011, the Union's loftiest mountain was conquered: all mention of a God or a Supreme Being were struck from the Declaration of Independence and the Constitution.

The banning of Christianity from all public domains isn't just on a federal level. Every state in the US has laws against Christian symbols. The exception is Utah. It's the only state that still allows religious icons in public, due to the majority of it's state legislators being members of the Mormon church.

Because of the beating Christianity has had, minority religions are more assertive than they used to be, stepping to the forefront to take it's place. A prime example of this is the little-known Rastafarian sect. A melding of several faiths, including those of south Asia and the Caribbean, Rastafarians worship Allah yet believe in the Bible. One thing unique about these people is that they believe the Bible tells man to smoke marijuana. Since it's a religious tradition, Rastafarians claim the right to use weed at the workplace. This has many employers upset—drug use while at work is against virtually all company policies. Fellow employees are put out, also. From their perspective, "Why should he/she get to legally break the rules and I have to do it illegally?"

As previously mentioned, religion is the topic of extremes. On the one hand, Christianity is getting all but wiped out from the public view. Interestingly, taking the name of the Lord in vain and other religious profanity has declined severely. Common phrases now include "For the love of Mike!" and "Where the firetruck is so-and-so?"

On the other hand, smaller religions are more forceful in pressing what rights they believe to be theirs, regardless of how ridiculous they are. The ACLU, by the way, does nothing to restrict this. One can no longer pray to God in public, but heaven help the person who suggests Mr. Lee talk to his Buddha idol somewhere other than in front of the class he's supposed to be teaching.

If you can't say "Christ" when you stub your toe
What do you say? That's what I wanna know
Language has lost all spontaneity
Since government abolished the Deity
And you can't even tell Congress where to go

DAF9

******************************************

LETTERS TO THE EDITOR

Dear Editor;

Regarding Shnapzie's article on sharing of equipment for the disabled.

My boyfriend and I often go Dutch

With our favorite time shared crutch

It's mine on odd days

And when Seattle's covered by haze

So he doesn't get it too much.

To the Editor

Not that I'm homophobic or anything but whatever happened to movies where boy meets girl? I've been reading the movie listings for WEEKS now and all I ever see is these lesbian stories.

Katherine Hepburn and Spencer Tracy Fan

Dear Mrs. Eddytor,

I weally like your nudespaper. It is kool and interdressing. My mommy didn't help me wright this, so I am weally prod of miself. My daddy likes the perzonals 'cos he says mommy and him don't light the fire enough. I don't know what that means, fanks four weeding.

Timothy-freedy the third

Dear Editor,

Regarding the sonic pulse gun explosion in Cleveland last week, all I can say is too bad they didn't blow up a hundred more of them and get rid of the "Mistake on the Lake" once and for all. Do you suppose if my family took up a collection and offered to slip the Cleveland Police and Smith and Wesson a couple of hundred bucks they could arrange for the next "demonstration" to take place in Parma [note - this is a small city just outside of Cleveland made famous by Drew Carey if you know who he is] where my &^&^%$ red-neck ex-brother-in-law and his floozie are shacked up? H3ll! Take out the whole Republican state of Ohio!

Staunch Democrat

******************************************

FEATURES

THE FRUGAL SUBSCRIBER: 14 Uses for SOS

By Qmontgomery

Life in post-pulse Seattle isn't easy. Resources are short and so is patience. Why, just last week, I saw a man get beaten to death with a carrot. What drives people to such madness? What would cause one man to kill another with a vegetable? I'll tell you what: money. Even those of us who seemingly have a lot of it are always on the lookout for a bargain.

These days, money is an unstable commodity. It's here one day, gone the next. That's why, here at The Streets of Seattle, we're always on the lookout for ways to save money and get the most out of the products we buy. In this first part of a month-long series, we show you 14 uses for your issues of The Streets of Seattle.

1. The Streets of Seattle makes an excellent WALL COVERING for your home, whether it's a cardboard box or an upscale apartment.

2. Babies love clean DIAPERS. Unfortunately, Pampers went out of business and Huggies cost upwards of $10 each. Keep your kid clean and happy by wrapping them in The Streets of Seattle.

3. Finely chopped, The Streets of Seattle adds zesty FLAVOR to meatloaf or stew.

4. With a few carefully laid folds, The Streets of Seattle is transformed into a fashionable HAT, ideal for weddings, business meetings, or parties!

5. The price of WINDOW SHADES got you down? Keep out unwanted light by nailing a few pages from The Streets of Seattle to your windows.

6. If you're running from the law, DISGUISE yourself by cutting glasses and a phony moustache from The Streets of Seattle, and taping them to your face.

7. Tightly rolled and lit on fire, The Streets of Seattle provides warmth as well as DRAWING CHARCOAL.

8. For a super-scary HALLOWEEN COSTUME, wrap yourself up at The Streets of Seattle Mummy!

9. Can't afford gym membership? Old issues of The Streets of Seattle, tightly bundled, can be used as 20lb FREE WEIGHTS.

10. Shredded pages from The Streets of Seattle, blended with mud and shoved in the gas tank, is just what you need to get REVENGE on that nasty old neighbor of yours!

11. Torn into strips and mixed with flour and water, The Streets of Seattle makes a thick paste that can be used to FILL HOLES in your walls, roof, or car.

12. Remember that hat we told you about? Take it off your head and get ready for hours of scummy-water fun with your new TOY SAILBOAT!

13. An old trick of tacky people and poor college students alike, The Streets of Seattle is great for WRAPPING GIFTS.

14. Individual letters cut from The Streets of Seattle make top-quality RANSOM NOTES!

Check upcoming issues for more creative ways to save money!

NO WONDER IT'S ENDANGERED

By Daf9

The International Wildlife Federation sadly announced today that the kakapo is officially extinct. This night parrot was once indigenous to New Zealand but for the last 10 years these birds have been found only in zoos. The last one was found dead in his cage at the London zoo early this morning.

You poor kakapo

What did I know?

Breeding only once every four years

It brings me to tears

But I'll bet you put on quite a show.

POETRY

By Cherokee128

Wind whips through my hair
Past my face, taunting me
to go Faster, Faster, Faster
The ground beneath my feet
screams to me each step I
take Faster, Faster, Faster
And then I hear it, a dull
roar that soon becomes a scream
echoing Faster, Faster, Faster
I cross the line with the
wind, ground, and crowd
cheering, screaming, and taunting
Faster Faster, Faster, I have won.

Tanka

Horses running free
To see them is to see light
Dancing on the plains
Spirits of the sky above
Dancing feathers in the wind

HOW TO SURVIVE THE POST-PULSE DEPRESSION TIP OF THE DAY

By Shnapzie

With such a lack of technological conveniences, it's strange that voice mail is one thing that isn't hard to find. It's a perk in abundance, and it's put to good use. Besides the usual "Leave your name and number and I'll get back to you" stuff, people have found some very interesting ways to utilize voice mail and voice mailboxes.

Important announcements If a person has news he/she wants to tell everyone, but doesn't want to have to engage in conversation, they use this trick. In place of one's name, identifying whose mailbox it is, the person will record the brief message.

Discretion This is a little known fact: voice mail messages are untraceable, once the caller has hung up. 'Nuff said.

Hypnosis Because of some psychological defect, no one can hang up the phone until they have heard the whole message. They retain the hope the perhaps by the end, the caller will have actually said something that isn't brainless drivel. Amateur hypnotists, you can profit by this. Practice on the loud gang lords downstairs by leaving potent messages in their voice mailboxes. Whether they suspect or not, they won't be able to hang up the phone.

Those are just a few of the many unusual ways today's citizens put voice mail to good use. If you have another tip, write to the Streets of Seattle and let us know! Or leave a message in our voice mailbox (which, through the efforts of a dedicated technology genius on staff, screens for hypnosis. So don't try it.)

Voice mail, voice mail
Your charms never fail
Inducing hypnosis
Or merely psychosis
You're untraceable so I can't end up in jail

DAF9.

ODDITIES

By Logans_Babe
I was visiting my friends' house asking for donations to the Homeless Me Fund, when suddenly a car seat was thrown at me. It occurred to me that those people weren't meaning to hurt me, they were giving me-- uh I mean the Homeless Me Fund, a valuable donation. Children's car seats are a perfect fit for my bum. They are great for lounge seats. Odd that I wasn't the only one to think of this. I kept up my walk in search for donations and lo and behold people were sitting in car seats all over the city! so I suppose that I am not the only odd one in this town.

HOROSCOPE

Aries: Watch the skies for flying bodies. You stand a good chance of being hit by one this week.

Best day to steal sneakers : Wednesday

Poor, poor little Aries

whereas other people get e-mail

this week you get caries

Cancer: Watch out for flying pigs this month, your next door neighbor will be playing mean tricks on you. You will receive a shock to your system in the coming days, why I can't make out...

Today is good for: running down the stairs two at a time.

Best color this month to wear: Polka dot.

Hello lovely Leo. Enjoy that compliment? Well brace yourself, this next week will be riddled with them!! And your signi-other has a big secret for you that includes a beautiful $5 cubic zirconium! Best day to scavenge for dresses in the dumpster behind May's: Friday the 13th. Day you will get bitten by the love bug: Saturday the 14th. Day you will get the antidote: 20 years later when you find your husband "with" your sister/mother. Leo Beware, if you are unaware of that fact that your husbands quite a scare.

Virgo: This month you will get arrested by the sector police. Not to worry, you will get lots of free milk while you are in prison and when you get out you will hook up with a motorcycle gang that steals chickens.

Best day to eat cabbage: Wednesday the 18th.

Scorpio: Eat a lot of prunes this month, you will find that your closest friend will be stealing out of your back garden. Chickens and geese will be a major part of your life for the next two weeks, and you will be sending pigs into orbit.

Only good day for kissing a bull: Friday the 13th.

Best time for taking over the world: Friday the 13th after kissing a bull.

Sagittarius: You thought we didn't know what you're up to, did you, Sagittarius? We're astrologers, we know everything, including your dirty little secret. And this week, your significant other will too. Start packing.

Best day to cook a romantic candlelit dinner: Wednesday

Best day to run as it's hurled at your head: Wednesday

If you were a Capricorn

On the day that you were born

Today's the day to stay at home

Unless you want to meet your clone

Who will make you feel very forlorn.

Taurus, Gemini, Libra, Aquarius and Pisces: Life is too short to spend it reading horoscopes.

******************************************

ENTERTAINMENT

COME ON HOLLY-OOD!

By Samcrazy and Jennem1

For a long while now one of our countries greatest landmarks has remained neglected. I am speaking of course of the W missing from the famous HOLLYWOOD sign. Sure, it isn't one of the US government's greatest priorities, but some things must stay sacred, like a reminder of what the world was like before the Pulse.

The W has been laying on the ground since 2018, when a rabid fan of the WWF decided it would make the perfect decoration for his trailer. He apparently knocked the letter down by charging into it headlong. Dazed, he then fell off the side of the hill and was pronounced dead at the scene.

Great tragedies befall us now and again, but this is just wrong! Sure, this reporter feels strongly about a whole lot of things, but all can agree that this news is shocking. Not that a wrestling fan died in a stupid accident, which is a rather common occurrence, but that for want of a very small bit of funding the landmark remains damaged.

In this short report I want to say that Hollywood is part of the American culture and we should keep it that way. Our entertainment industry has almost wholly transferred to Canada, and now it seems what reminders we have of it are following. So I urge the readers to say, REPAIR THE SIGN for in our hearts, it could repair a hole the Pulse made.

MOVIES

On Cineplex, Canada:

THINGS GOT COMPLICATED...,2004 ,Starring Ali Larter, Kate Beckinsale, John Cusack, and Minnie Driver. Directed by Alan Smithee Junior. Rated NC-17. Never has the title of a movie fit the situation. Ali Larter wanted to make a film where she could let her hair down...along with all of her clothes just once. Apparently, someone had just the project in this farce over a letter that was misaddressed to the wrong person. Larter plays Kim who gets this letter overflowing with sensuality and lust...only with no signature or return address. She assumes it's from Phil (Cusack) who has had a crush on her. Unfortunately, she misplaces the letter and it's picked up by her next door neighbor Alena (Beckinsale) who assumes it's from Kim and tries to reckon with her latent lesbian tendencies in awkward fashion. Add to the mix Phil's therapist Dr. Tiffani Masters (Driver) who gets the letter in turn and thinks Phil wants to have an affair with her and you basically get a comedy of errors...only the errors are more noticeable than the comedy. The director was so frustrated over Larter's attempts to spice up the sexuality rather than the laughs, he publicly disowned the picture with the infamous 'Alan Smithee' handle. Audiences followed in kind. The sex scenes are about the only redeeming part of the picture, though the way things were going in some of the actors' lives (such as Ms. Driver's martial woes with her soon to be ex Josh Brolin) it's understandable why the passion seems to be more of lust than longing. Contains nudity and strong sexual content. Parents strongly cautioned. WEIRDARCHIVE

FREE WILLY 15: WILLY'S REVENGE 2010 starring Keiko the WHALE, Jason James RICHTER, Woody ALLEN and a host of others. Another great epic starring the loveable Willy and his best friend Jesse but this time Woody Allen takes it to a new level. He stars as an evil drug baron, who kidnaps Willy from his habitat in the wild and turns him bad using a mixture of drugs and hypnotism. Jesse (Richter) looks everywhere for his pal, until he finds the drugged up whale in a downtown bar, shooting pool with the bad people (including Harrison FORD and the kid from THE SIXTH SENSE). How will Jesse save his friend? This is on-the-edge-of-your-seat-action, with some lovely romance scenes involving Willy and a dolphin (played by Teri HATCHER). parents warned, it has scenes with drugs and a whale being doped up, but of course no whales were really harmed during the making of the film, thinking about it, this really is gross. SAMCRAZY

******************************************

NEIGHBORHOOD

STREETS OF SEATTLE COMPANY PICNIC

By Logans_Babe

This year at the Streets of Seattle company picnic, there were a variety of events planned. First was the annual speech from Jennem, which no one listened to. It lasted about one hour and supposedly consisted of Jennem's ranting about the employees and reporters not working hard enough.

After that there were a series of games. There was the bean bag toss, which was won by DTM. The plastic egg throw came next. The SOS staff was unsuccessful in producing any fresh eggs. so with a bright idea from Shnapzie, we filled plastic eggs with yak slime from a Canadian friend who owns a yak farm. Everyone proceeded to be sick right after participating. The smell must have been too much. And DAF9 won that one. It was joked by many that she felt right at home with the slime. And finally the annual mud wrestling contest. The males' mud wrestling contest brought about $200 that goes to the lounge fund. The guys are hoping to get a big screen TV. It was won by ninja650. The runner up, Weirdarchive, supposedly only lost because he got mud in his eye. The matter is under investigation by Samcrazy. The females mud wrestling contest brought in $1,000.25 from bets and $630 from money being thrown into the ring. Some will go to spruce up the female bathrooms, and some for their own lounge room, being as the guys always leave it a mess. Iluveyesonly won first prize with the vicious Jennem and her bull whip in second.

After the games ended, there was a poetry contest for all who wanted to enter it. Cherokee128 won first with her beautiful and enchanting poems, Ewachsmuth, with the stolen book of dazzling poetry, came in second, and DAF9 won third with her limericks, only because we had to have three winners and there was no one else. The fun and excitement ended with the food being set out to eat. In the mad rush to get the good grub, Logans_babe and Sportzgirl16 were literally trampled. They came out with only minor injuries, but were last in line. DTM could be seen walking around handing out apples, hard candies, Jennem's meat loaf, and other hard as a rock things. Many lost their teeth that day.

The day ended with 727angel giving a lovely speech about patriotism to the Streets. Everyone left in high spirits. All in all the employees of SOS say that the day was one to remember. "Makes you think times aren't as bad as they seem," said one employee that no one could name. "You forget that things are as bad as they are when you are here with family and friends."

True enough. SOS is a growing family of reporters, getting closer each day. And the company picnic showed us all just how tight that bond really is.

WHY LOGANS_BABE WAS ARRESTED AT THE STREETS OF SEATTLE COMPANY PICNIC

By Daf9

I swore that I would never tattle

What happened at the Streets of Seattle

Company outing

But it involved lots of shouting

And a fiercely fought herbal gummie battle.

Logans_Babe, Logans_Babe what have you done?

Your life might as well be over before its begun

If you hadn't been drinking

It'd have altered your thinking

For the better in the long run

Oh the shock! Oh the shame

Will things ever be the same?

Logans_Babe how could you?

If only we knew

Now everybody's sharing the blame.

Curse you Logans_Babe, I fear we are fated

To suffer the consequences of what you created

I'd tell what you did

But I'm strictly forbid

'Cause this board is PG-13 rated

ANNOUNCEMENTS

MARRIAGE Today Michael Douglas Jr. married Scarlet Powers, the young girl famous for starring in ST:Voyager, bringing 36 year-old Douglas Jr.'s wife total up to 15. He says: 'I just want to honor my fathers memory', but instead of marrying a woman that was half his age he thought that moving to Arabia and having more then one wife would be cooler. Samcrazy

BIRTH Smith, Janet and Steve The Smiths welcomed identical sextuplets Phoebe, Monica, Rachel, Emily, Gabrielle, and Xena. Although the Smiths planned on one child, a brownout during the in vitro procedure resulted in what they call "our blessed accident." Since their insurance has the standard power interruption clause, all donations will be gratefully accepted. Jennem1

BIRTH Andy and Cindy Walters proudly announce the adoption of five long since discarded in vitro fertilized embryos. DNA testing revealed that the embryos were actually Mrs. Walters brothers and sisters, abandoned at the Happy Days fertility clinic following her parents bitter divorce. "I always wanted a little brother or sister" Mrs. Walters gushed. DAF9

******************************************

LIFESTYLE

WHO DOESN'T NEED HARMONY?

By Samcrazy

In the chaotic world of today people are finding new escapes to help relieve the pain that the Pulse left behind. So people are turning to Feng shui!

Feng shui is the ancient Chinese practice of arranging a room or environment to balance energy, or chi. This is also known as the art of placement. Feng shui says that when a room has it's chi focused and channeled, then its inhabitants are as healthy as the room.

Many of the people this reporter talked to believe that positive vibes help them get through the day. I viewed rooms which have undergone the process of having energies channeled, and not only did Feng shui improve the 'feeling' of the room, the room itself looked nice.

I talked to a Mr. Bounty, who claims to be an expert on Feng shui about why this is a growing trend in post-pulse life.

"Well, I believe that harmony is something that this world is lacking, obviously due to the havoc the Pulse wreaked. This art is now coming back as a fresh alternative to do as a past time. Feng shui can be a hobby and a way of life, it is rewarding and challenging at the same time. Balancing a room's energy is a gradual process and it does take up time. People nowadays have time on their hands, why not make Feng shui a pastime?"

Mrs. Honker is a woman who has offered her services to the people of Seattle as a consultant on Feng shui. She tells us what kind of people she's helped focus their energies.

"The men and women in Seattle have found that Feng shui is a nice pastime. The rich and poor alike find that a bit of harmony in their life helps relieve the stress of post-Pulse life. A couple I consulted with said that after the three day period of getting used to their new room style said that Feng shui helped their love life. A family who found that their front room was lacking something told me that after I had showed them the art, they had many less arguments over the state of the living space. Even one man who expressed interest in converting his bedroom into a space of harmony said that he was so happy with the room that he has no trouble with drawing ladies in. You see? Feng shui helps everyone!"

So there you have it. Try Feng shui, it's good for your life love…and other things.

FAST FOOD LOVERS LAMENT

By Dammachine and Daf9

KFC, KFC,

You meant so much to me

Then P.E.T.A. got on your case

And you were forced to replace

Crispy chicken with crappy chickpeas.

Old McDonald's, they had a farm.

In his tractor he caught his arm

Bite into a burger and tasted his finger

In my head the thought did linger

My team of lawyers sued for that harm

I went to Wendy's and ordered the same

To my surprise, when the order came

I looked in the bag

Oh man what a drag

My lawyers are back in the game

I then went to the Burger King drive through

Just to get something that's new

I lifted the bun

I laughed "oh what fun"

There seems to be bugs in this goo.

******************************************

CLASSIFIEDS

FOR SALE: A slightly torn up picture of Elvis behind a tree. Smells a bit of cat litter. Starting price at $330, but willing to go lower. call 303030303111666

A healthy young woman willing to meet on a blind date. Bring own blindfold. Alcoholics preferred. meet at the 'Crash' bar at 7:00pm on Wednesday.

46 yr DWM, 300+ lbs, 5'7" w/ yellow hair & eyes ISO 18-23 yr SWF, 100-105 lbs, 5'7"-5'9" to fund and accompany me on my world travels. Must have own transportation, income, sector passes. NO pets! NO smoking! NO STDs! Call 555-4391.

Single female with independent income seeks houseboy. Must be willing to perform any task cheerfully, in exchange for luxury lifestyle. No freaks, geeks, or ex-convicts. Unsatisfactory performance will result in execution.