STREETS OF SEATTLE
(date withheld), 2019
http://pages.prodigy.net/jennem
To our readers: The stories appearing in today's STREETS OF
SEATTLE have been cleared by the U.S. Army under the provisions of the Martial
Law Declaration of 2009 and the National Emergency Declaration of 2010.
Editor in Chief: Jennem1
Senior Editor: Daf9
Managing Editor: Samcrazy
Chief Financial Officer: Logans_Babe
Chief Reporter: Weirdarchive
Opinions Editor: Shnapzie
Contributing Reporter: Dark_Angel_9
Contributing Reporter: QMontgomery
Contributing Reporter: Cherokee128
Contributing Reporter: Dammachine
Contributing Reporter: Sportzgirl16
Contributing Reporter: Darkangelbby
******************************************
LOCAL NEWS
SECTOR POLICE: HOW TO IMPOUND THE DISHONEST WAY
By Samcrazy
In a shocking tip-off
from Eyes Only, we have discovered that various members of the police working
in the Sector surveillance department have been impounding vehicles that were
safe, by damaging them themselves. There have been scattered reports of this
occurrence across Seattle, but the voices were quickly silenced as they
realized that nobody cared. But we here at the 'Streets' stand up for what is
right, and this reporter can't be silenced. (Easily.)
What can you do when the
law turns bad? In these twisted times the sabotaging of a few peoples' vehicles
by police officers seems unimportant, but we can all see that this is a
slippery slope. With departments like the sector police remaining unchecked by
standard commissioners, more cops will believe that destroying rear headlights,
brakes and tires is a form of entertainment. There seems to be nothing we can
do, for all we know the people who check the police department could be as crooked
as the police themselves.
This paper has uncovered
many instances involving the police, and it seems to get worse as time draws
on. We did some surveillance on two
cops that we have reason to believe are two of these said offenders. We watched
them for 24 hours, taking shifts on and off, and we observed that during the
day, the two officers (who we won't name) allowed over twenty people pass
without a problem, they were even courteous. But come night, there was a transformation in their demeanor.
We watched two cars as
they were stopped by the two. One of them
passed through safety but the other, which we believe was driven by a youth,
had its side view mirror knocked out by one of the officers. He was issued with
a fine and told to get out of the car. At around twelve o'clock (midnight) a
man on a bike was stopped, seemingly to be the victim of the same injustice.
This time the man was pushed off the bike and made to witness his Harley's
brake pad pulled off. It was painful to witness.
But we have set up a way
to fix this problem. A new organization that will take your report of police
abuse and compile a list, then they will send it to the head of the police
department in Seattle. We will not stop until this corruption is over. And that
may be a long time...
BROWNOUT BABIES
By Darkangelbby
Seattle was struck with yet another brown out. It lasts
for 3 hours and 45 minutes.
That was about 9 months ago. Now, hospitals are being
overloaded in the maternity unit. More babies have been born in Seattle in the
past few days, then in the entire month of February.
The question to the readers is this: What is so romantic
about having a power outage? Or were you just passing the time till it came
back on?
One woman said, "We were just bored and cold, so we
decided to do something about that. Now look at us, WE HAVE TRIPLETS!!!
We'll go hungry! Now I have to give them up!! Bloody f%$#ing brownout!!"
So there you have it folks. Use protection in brown outs.
Since the power went
away
Not a diaper to be had
But dry cleaners aren't
sad
"Babies keep us in
business" they say
DAF9
THE SHOOTING
By Dark_Angel_9
Janelle Righter was shot
down last night. The cloudy night had
many secrets to hide. How would she
have known her murder was one of those secrets?. She was apparently on a walk
like she usually did at night, and was shot by an unknown suspect.
The gunman has not been
traced. Janelle will be in intensive care until the doctors are happy with her
recovery. We are allowed to announce that Janelle was shot in the stomach, and
her insides were blown. There are some damage to her spinal cord, and they are
unsure she will be able to walk again.
Janelle is unable to
explain her side of the story, but several witnesses are going to be helping
into the investigation. We were able to track down a Mr. Ryan Senter, who was a
witness to this accident.
"Hello Mr. Senter,
I believe you were a witness in last nights terrible accident?"
"Yes.. and I am
willing to give my view of the accident, but don't forget to pay me at the
end.."
"Right.. well what
happened?"
"Well, I was
walking Dotty.."
"Who's Dotty?"
"My wife.."
"Ooohkay.."
There is a pause.
"Anyway, I'm
walking my wife and.."
"Do you use a leash
to walk your wife?"
"Don't you want to
know about the accident.."
*I look at him.*
"Yea, I do use a
leash on Dotty.. actually"
I got him talking about
how he treats his wife, so he forgot to ask me to pay him.. But anyway Janelle
was released from the hospital later that day, the doctors claiming she had no
health insurance. Later that day, Janelle collapsed on her way home, after
being shot in the head by guess who?
I mean it, guess!! Oh,
well, it was Ryan Senter, then Ryan tried to put the evidence on Dotty. Ryan is
now been placed into the nearest correction facility, and his wife.. has been
placed in the pound at her request.
******************************************
NATIONAL NEWS
IT'S FINALLY OVER
By Daf9
Washington D.C.
Their final appeals were
exhausted almost six weeks ago, and President Barrows punctuated his emphatic
refusal to even consider clemency by spending the entire day on the golf
course. Thus at long last, despite personal pleas from the Governor of Alaska
and the Canadian Prime Minister, four of the six terrorists found guilty of
setting off the EMP back in 2009 were finally put to death today at an
undisclosed location. The other two convicted terrorists managed to cheat the
government of exacting its punishment. Chakrapani Ahuja was killed in a prison
riot shortly after his trial, and Aidan Ryan died of an aortic aneurysm about
six months ago.
Exalted Reverend
Samantha Adjia of the Nation of Islam Reformed, formerly the American Pop
Culture slave Britney Spears, was present at the executions at the request of
the condemned men and women.
Nadira Hill, who has
acted as spokesperson for the prisoners over the last 10 years, had this to say
before she was strapped down on the table and administered the lethal
injection. "We were only trying to do what the US government tried to do
to Microsoft back in 2000. We saw that the US government itself had become so
powerful it was on the verge of becoming an economic and political monopoly.
Since there was no official legislation in place to deal with anti-trust issues
involving entire countries we decided to take matters into our own hands and
break it up. Truthfully, our actions succeeded beyond our wildest expectations.
We were just trying to make it more like Canada or Mexico; we never expected
the US to become an actual Third World country."
Ms. Hill reminded the
reporters and government officials present that no lives had been lost as a
direct result of the EMP although she couldn't deny that the economic
disruption that followed the Pulse was clearly responsible for the 10 year drop
in life expectancy experienced by the US in the years 2010-2019.
The official times of
death were as follows:
Lindani Davis 12:01 AM
E.S.T.
Wilhelm Volker 12:42 AM
E.S.T
Maria Rossi 1:29 AM
E.S.T.
Nadira Hill 2:00 AM
E.S.T.
The government had tried
very hard to keep both the place and time of the executions secret. However;
contrary to expectations, there were very few protests. Several family members
of the terrorists who showed up for a final visit with their loved ones left
prior to the executions and all refused to comment to the press.
Other than reporting Ms.
Hill's final words and announcing the times of death, prison and government
officials also refused to comment.
WHITE
HOUSE RENOVATIONS TO COST TAXPAYERS $2000
By Qmontgomery
(WASHINGTON)
Renovations planned for the White House will reportedly add an underwhelming
$2000.00 to the national budget, an expense which is expected to be picked up
by apathetic taxpayers. White House Spokesperson Don Bumkee announced the plans
at a Senate meeting Monday.
The
"Big" White House, as it is now known, was destroyed in a fire caused by a
malfunctioning Star Wars Missile Defense System in 2017. It was replaced
shortly after with a double-wide trailer.
The
families of the President and of the Vice President reside in the 750-square
foot trailer, which features three bedrooms, ten square feet of closet space, a
stainless steel trailer hitch, and a doorbell which plays the theme song from
the popular 1980s sitcom, Full House. One of the three bedrooms has since been
converted into an office for the President.
Bumkee
said that the upcoming renovations are much needed. "With the military doing
most of the governing over the last few years," he said, "the President's needs
have, unfortunately, been pushed to the back burner. One of our top focuses in the
renovation project will be filling in the bullet holes on the front of the
trailer. We also thought it would be nice if we could install a window in the
President's office, since frequent blackouts make it necessary to work by
candlelight much of the time."
Other
plans include laying carpet in the six square foot hallway, and replacing the
curtains in the trailer's kitchen.
The $2000 cost of renovations will amount to approximately
6.67 cents per taxpayer, or 14 cents per household.
DETROIT TO ROLL OUT NEW
AUTOMOBILES AT LAST! "JOBS A-PLENTY FOR ALL!" BOASTS GOVERNOR.
By Weirdarchive
A
rare and wonderful event occurred at some of the formerly abandoned automotive
plants in Detroit, Michigan Tuesday afternoon. Thanks to investments from
Canada, Russia, Japan and American corporations, the seemingly unsalvageable
auto industry roared back into life with the new Landmaster Armored Civilian
Transports for 2020. In a ceremony packed with excited citizens and unemployed
members of the United Auto Workers Union eager to get back to work after a long
dry spell, the Governor of Michigan William Kovick and Canadian motor tycoon
Hayden Thibodeaux III cut the ribbon to the most modern non-biotech
manufacturing plant in the country. Almost immediately, job offers came pouring
out and were taken in a mad rush that almost became a riot. "It's a great
day for America." Governor Kovick smiled as he helped pass out application
forms and free ration cards to jubilant workers. "We've been idle far too
long in the automotive industry with Japan, China, and India making our cars.
In a way, I figure even the Asian Co-Prosperity Sphere reasoned it was time for
us to get back on our feet with making new cars. I'm glad they gave such a
generous investment because we really need to get these proud men and women of
the UAW back working. They and those before them made this country great by
hard work, and I'm happy to live to see this day." Thibodeaux echoed the
sentiment. "My great-great-great grandfather was unemployed in Toronto during
the First Depression. He hopped on a train to Detroit and managed to get a job
at the old Ford plant, sweeping the floor and cleaning the toilets. Later in
the Second World War, he helped to make the tanks for the Allies and got good
money which he invested wisely. Today, I repay America's kindness by opening
this first of many plants under the Thibodeaux Motors banner, owned by
Americans for Americans!" Each member of the UAW has been promised an
advance of $500 in ration cards, a year's worth of Canadian beef and
vegetables, and full medical coverage on the plant's site for them and their
immediate families if hired. Each applicant, whether hired or not, was given a
$10 ration card that day for their troubles. About 15,000 men and women have
applied for work already, with more to come.
Among
the new cars and transports to be made in the new plant is the highly vaunted
Landmaster Armored Civilian Transport, essentially a military-style armored
truck capable of intercontinental travel through the worst terrain imaginable.
The Landmaster is fully armor-plated with the latest lightweight alloys capable
of repelling every known form of ordinance including some armor piecing
bullets. It uses the latest in methane engines that can go for nearly
twenty-four hours of travel before a recharge, with the added security of a
back-up tank that can add an additional five hours in case of attack. Its self
defense system included twin frontal Gatling guns, a rear cannon pod, and
electric shock paneling that can adjusted within the cockpit to inflict a mild
charge to instant death. The tires are self-sealing and can be replaced by its
automated retread system even at a full speed of 185 MPH. Its communications
system is capable of wireless Internet access, real time satellite relay (for
those eager to catch up with their SOPRANO re-runs), and can receive at least
five radio stations with CD quality surround sound. The cabin can seat a family
of six with full kitchen, bathroom, first aid, and bedroom facilities with an
option for pets and an additional five persons at a fee. It can carry roughly
30 tons of cargo for the capacity of five more tons if required. It has the
latest in navigation control and is capable of limited auto-control (including
the 'Dead Man's Switch') if the driver is incapacitated.
For
now, the new Landmasters will be made available for multinational corporations
and a few private individuals. The price tag has been retailed at $250,000 a
truck, but a more economical version is in the works. There's already plans to
open another five plants within the Detroit Metro area and even talks of
reopening more auto factories in Indiana, Illinois, and Wisconsin. Needless to
say, the governors of those states are actively courting Thibodeaux and other
Canadian auto makers for a piece of the action.
LOTTERIES TO BE REESTABLISHED, GOVERNMENT TO
OVERSEE FUNDING.
By Weirdarchive
The
American Government, desperate for alternate sources of income and trying to
find a way to quell the growing unrest that has sparked such revolts as the
Republic of Alaska and the present crisis in Florida and Texas, will
re-institute an old favorite pastime from the pre-Pulse past...lotteries.
Naturally, there are going to be a few twists involved.
At
a press conference in Omaha, Secretary of the Treasury Frank Harris gloated
about the new plan to assist those states which had a lottery system (such as
Oregon and Washington) by reestablishing them with federal grant money on the
condition that they help create a national lottery within five years. "I'm
very excited over this." Harris said. "It's been a long time coming
for the people to have a nice distraction from the Depression." While
specific details have been kept secret for security reasons, the general
objective is to first fund the weekly big money lotteries and the daily pick 3
and play 4 number systems. Instant scratch-offs and mini-lottos (also known as
'Fantasy 5' in some states) will then be reintroduced on a gradual basis, based
on public reaction and monetary growth. States not wishing to participate can
opted out for now, but the hope of a 52 state national lottery system is the
ultimate goal by the newly created American Lottery Council based in Salt Lake
City, Utah.
Prizes
to be won will reflect the present economic crisis, ranging from a minimum five
paper dollar (or its equivalent in ration stamps and gold) to a million gold
dollars to an exemption of federal and state income taxes for the next thirty
years to even a new car and ration stamps for life! States can adjust the prize
amounts as needed, but the big money prizes are to remain intact. Only the
disputed areas of Florida, Texas, and Alaska are prohibited from participation.
Most state lotteries went bankrupt after the Pulse wiped out their electronic
treasuries and the Bank Runs of 2009 and 2011. For the moment, only the states
in the New England region and Nevada have some form of a lottery system, funded
mostly by foreign capital.
While many in the Federal government applaud the idea, some
anti-gambling and religious groups question the very notion of reestablishing
the state lotteries and the eventual introduction of a national numbers game.
Rev. Prudence Bowden of the Gay and Lesbian Baptist Alliance issued the
following statement. "We vehemently oppose the government's latest attempt
at dodging the problem of mass unemployment and poverty by backing the familiar
money pit that is the lottery system. Only the very poor will ever play this
shell game that'll benefit the wealthy and the government. The temptation for fraud
and abuse is too great to permit in a country already burdened with the
Depression. We urge the government to replace this fool's pipe dream with a
jobs program that'll put honest bread on the table...not blood money." The
Las Vegas Gaming Association, one of the few remaining gambling organizations
left solvent after the Pulse, is considering filing a civil suit to prevent the
ALC from laying the groundwork for a national lottery. "We don't have a
problem with states having a lotto." ,a spokesman said off the record.
"But a national lottery system will drain this city's capital like an open
wound. We need our state's money to stay in our state. We no need no stinkin'
Fed Bread!" Other states are pondering whether to join the civil suit or
counter sue since some of the surrounding states have suffered greatly from Las
Vegas' unrestrictive uses of wire gambling and the funding to widen its growing
'off-shore' Internet gambling empire. So far, fifteen states have expressed
interest in revamping their lottery system.
******************************************
INTERNATIONAL NEWS
SUPREME COURT OF CANADA ABOLISHES THE NATIONAL ANTHEM
By Daf9
This is what happens
when you start trying too hard to be politically correct.
Back in 2001, an effort
was launched to change the words of Canada's national anthem to replace the
word "sons" with a more gender-neutral term.
It was only the
beginning.
The following year the
Associations of Canadians living abroad and Immigrant Canadians banded to
together to have the words "home and native land" removed from the
anthem.
In 2005 the Canadian
National Institute for the Blind successfully petitioned on behalf of visually
impaired Canadians to have the line "With glowing hearts we see thee
rise" removed.
In 2008 the Canadian
coalition of differentially-abled persons persuaded the government to remove
the line "and stand on guard" on the basis that it discriminates
against the bed-ridden and those in wheelchairs.
"God keep our
land".... Canadian atheists had that line removed in 2015.
In 2016, in an effort to
avoid discriminating against ANY group of Canadians the lyrics to the national
anthem were eliminated.
In today's ruling the
Supreme Court of Canada acknowledged that the song itself was potentially offensive
to thousands of deaf Canadians.
A movement is now
underway to have 3 minutes and 45 seconds of absolute silence adopted as the
new official national anthem.
LET US PRAY…WHOOPS! CAN'T DO THAT!
By Shnapzie
For
the most part, humans are a relatively rational species. (I say relatively
because none of you have met my aunt LaDawn.) However, there is one subject
that can and does transform the sanest, most down-to-earth individual into an
obstinate, close-minded piece of work or a fanatical zealot. Religion.
Religion
is a matter of extremes. It may be hard to believe, but once upon a time the
government had open ties to Christianity. During the latter end of the 20th
century, the ACLU (nowhere near the gigantic institution it now is) took it
upon itself to rid the country of any and all vestiges of the dominant
religion. It started small. First to go was school prayer and the displaying of
the Ten Commandments in public. Then Christmas and Easter music and
paraphernalia were banned in public places. Then came more drastic wins; by
2006 the ACLU succeeded in it's quest to remove "In God We Trust"
from America's coin money. Several important victories followed, each one
raising the Union to greater levels of power and importance. Finally, in 2011,
the Union's loftiest mountain was conquered: all mention of a God or a Supreme
Being were struck from the Declaration of Independence and the Constitution.
The
banning of Christianity from all public domains isn't just on a federal level.
Every state in the US has laws against Christian symbols. The exception is
Utah. It's the only state that still allows religious icons in public, due to
the majority of it's state legislators being members of the Mormon church.
Because
of the beating Christianity has had, minority religions are more assertive than
they used to be, stepping to the forefront to take it's place. A prime example
of this is the little-known Rastafarian sect. A melding of several faiths,
including those of south Asia and the Caribbean, Rastafarians worship Allah yet
believe in the Bible. One thing unique about these people is that they believe
the Bible tells man to smoke marijuana. Since it's a religious tradition,
Rastafarians claim the right to use weed at the workplace. This has many
employers upset—drug use while at work is against virtually all company
policies. Fellow employees are put out, also. From their perspective, "Why
should he/she get to legally break the rules and I have to do it
illegally?"
As
previously mentioned, religion is the topic of extremes. On the one hand,
Christianity is getting all but wiped out from the public view. Interestingly,
taking the name of the Lord in vain and other religious profanity has declined
severely. Common phrases now include "For the love of Mike!" and
"Where the firetruck is so-and-so?"
On
the other hand, smaller religions are more forceful in pressing what rights
they believe to be theirs, regardless of how ridiculous they are. The ACLU, by
the way, does nothing to restrict this. One can no longer pray to God in
public, but heaven help the person who suggests Mr. Lee talk to his Buddha idol
somewhere other than in front of the class he's supposed to be teaching.
If
you can't say "Christ" when you stub your toe
What do you say? That's what I wanna know
Language has lost all spontaneity
Since government abolished the Deity
And you can't even tell Congress where to go
DAF9
******************************************
LETTERS TO THE EDITOR
Dear Editor;
Regarding Shnapzie's
article on sharing of equipment for the disabled.
My boyfriend and I often
go Dutch
With our favorite time
shared crutch
It's mine on odd days
And when Seattle's
covered by haze
So he doesn't get it too
much.
To the Editor
Not that I'm homophobic
or anything but whatever happened to movies where boy meets girl? I've been
reading the movie listings for WEEKS now and all I ever see is these lesbian
stories.
Katherine Hepburn and
Spencer Tracy Fan
Dear Mrs. Eddytor,
I weally like your
nudespaper. It is kool and interdressing. My mommy didn't help me wright this,
so I am weally prod of miself. My daddy likes the perzonals 'cos he says mommy
and him don't light the fire enough. I don't know what that means, fanks four
weeding.
Timothy-freedy the third
Dear Editor,
Regarding the sonic
pulse gun explosion in Cleveland last week, all I can say is too bad they
didn't blow up a hundred more of them and get rid of the "Mistake on the
Lake" once and for all. Do you suppose if my family took up a collection
and offered to slip the Cleveland Police and Smith and Wesson a couple of
hundred bucks they could arrange for the next "demonstration" to take
place in Parma [note - this is a small city just outside of Cleveland made
famous by Drew Carey if you know who he is] where my &^&^%$ red-neck
ex-brother-in-law and his floozie are shacked up? H3ll! Take out the whole
Republican state of Ohio!
Staunch Democrat
******************************************
FEATURES
THE FRUGAL SUBSCRIBER: 14 Uses for SOS
By Qmontgomery
Life in post-pulse
Seattle isn't easy. Resources are short and so is patience. Why, just last
week, I saw a man get beaten to death with a carrot. What drives people to such
madness? What would cause one man to kill another with a vegetable? I'll tell
you what: money. Even those of us who seemingly have a lot of it are always on
the lookout for a bargain.
These days, money is an
unstable commodity. It's here one day, gone the next. That's why, here at The
Streets of Seattle, we're always on the lookout for ways to save money and get
the most out of the products we buy. In this first part of a month-long series,
we show you 14 uses for your issues of The Streets of Seattle.
1. The Streets of
Seattle makes an excellent WALL COVERING for your home, whether it's a cardboard
box or an upscale apartment.
2. Babies love clean
DIAPERS. Unfortunately, Pampers went out of business and Huggies cost upwards
of $10 each. Keep your kid clean and happy by wrapping them in The Streets of
Seattle.
3. Finely chopped, The
Streets of Seattle adds zesty FLAVOR to meatloaf or stew.
4. With a few carefully
laid folds, The Streets of Seattle is transformed into a fashionable HAT, ideal
for weddings, business meetings, or parties!
5. The price of WINDOW
SHADES got you down? Keep out unwanted light by nailing a few pages from The
Streets of Seattle to your windows.
6. If you're running
from the law, DISGUISE yourself by cutting glasses and a phony moustache from
The Streets of Seattle, and taping them to your face.
7. Tightly rolled and
lit on fire, The Streets of Seattle provides warmth as well as DRAWING
CHARCOAL.
8. For a super-scary
HALLOWEEN COSTUME, wrap yourself up at The Streets of Seattle Mummy!
9. Can't afford gym
membership? Old issues of The Streets of Seattle, tightly bundled, can be used
as 20lb FREE WEIGHTS.
10. Shredded pages from
The Streets of Seattle, blended with mud and shoved in the gas tank, is just
what you need to get REVENGE on that nasty old neighbor of yours!
11. Torn into strips and
mixed with flour and water, The Streets of Seattle makes a thick paste that can
be used to FILL HOLES in your walls, roof, or car.
12. Remember that hat we
told you about? Take it off your head and get ready for hours of scummy-water
fun with your new TOY SAILBOAT!
13. An old trick of
tacky people and poor college students alike, The Streets of Seattle is great
for WRAPPING GIFTS.
14. Individual letters
cut from The Streets of Seattle make top-quality RANSOM NOTES!
Check upcoming issues
for more creative ways to save money!
NO WONDER IT'S ENDANGERED
By Daf9
The International
Wildlife Federation sadly announced today that the kakapo is officially
extinct. This night parrot was once indigenous to New Zealand but for the last
10 years these birds have been found only in zoos. The last one was found dead
in his cage at the London zoo early this morning.
You poor kakapo
What did I know?
Breeding only once every
four years
It brings me to tears
But I'll bet you put on
quite a show.
POETRY
By Cherokee128
Wind whips through my hair
Past my face, taunting me
to go Faster, Faster, Faster
The ground beneath my feet
screams to me each step I
take Faster, Faster, Faster
And then I hear it, a dull
roar that soon becomes a scream
echoing Faster, Faster, Faster
I cross the line with the
wind, ground, and crowd
cheering, screaming, and taunting
Faster Faster, Faster, I have won.
Tanka
Horses
running free
To see them is to see light
Dancing on the plains
Spirits of the sky above
Dancing feathers in the wind
HOW TO SURVIVE THE POST-PULSE
DEPRESSION TIP OF THE DAY
By Shnapzie
With
such a lack of technological conveniences, it's strange that voice mail is one
thing that isn't hard to find. It's a perk in abundance, and it's put to good
use. Besides the usual "Leave your name and number and I'll get back to
you" stuff, people have found some very interesting ways to utilize voice
mail and voice mailboxes.
Important
announcements If a person has news he/she wants to tell everyone, but
doesn't want to have to engage in conversation, they use this trick. In place
of one's name, identifying whose mailbox it is, the person will record the
brief message.
Discretion This is a
little known fact: voice mail messages are untraceable, once the caller has hung
up. 'Nuff said.
Hypnosis Because
of some psychological defect, no one can hang up the phone until they have
heard the whole message. They retain the hope the perhaps by the end, the
caller will have actually said something that isn't brainless drivel. Amateur
hypnotists, you can profit by this. Practice on the loud gang lords downstairs
by leaving potent messages in their voice mailboxes. Whether they suspect or
not, they won't be able to hang up the phone.
Those
are just a few of the many unusual ways today's citizens put voice mail to good
use. If you have another tip, write to the Streets of Seattle and let us know!
Or leave a message in our voice mailbox (which, through the efforts of a
dedicated technology genius on staff, screens for hypnosis. So don't try it.)
Voice
mail, voice mail
Your charms never fail
Inducing hypnosis
Or merely psychosis
You're untraceable so I can't end up in jail
DAF9.
ODDITIES
By
Logans_Babe
I was visiting my friends' house asking for donations to the Homeless
Me Fund, when suddenly a car seat was thrown at me. It occurred to me
that those people weren't meaning to hurt me, they were giving me--
uh I mean the Homeless Me Fund, a valuable donation. Children's car seats
are a perfect fit for my bum. They are great for lounge seats. Odd
that I wasn't the only one to think of this. I kept up my walk in search
for donations and lo and behold people were sitting in car seats all over
the city! so I suppose that I am not the only odd one in this town.
HOROSCOPE
Aries: Watch the skies for flying bodies. You stand a good chance of
being hit by one this week.
Best day to steal
sneakers : Wednesday
Poor, poor little Aries
whereas other people get
e-mail
this week you get caries
Cancer: Watch out for flying pigs this month, your next door neighbor
will be playing mean tricks on you. You will receive a shock to your system in
the coming days, why I can't make out...
Today is good for:
running down the stairs two at a time.
Best color this month to
wear: Polka dot.
Hello lovely Leo. Enjoy that compliment? Well brace
yourself, this next week will be riddled with them!! And your signi-other has a
big secret for you that includes a beautiful $5 cubic zirconium! Best day to
scavenge for dresses in the dumpster behind May's: Friday the 13th. Day you
will get bitten by the love bug: Saturday the 14th. Day you will get the
antidote: 20 years later when you find your husband "with"
your sister/mother. Leo Beware, if you are unaware of that fact that your
husbands quite a scare.
Virgo: This month you will get arrested by the sector police. Not to
worry, you will get lots of free milk while you are in prison and when you get
out you will hook up with a motorcycle gang that steals chickens.
Best day to eat cabbage:
Wednesday the 18th.
Scorpio: Eat a lot of prunes this month, you will find that your closest
friend will be stealing out of your back garden. Chickens and geese will be a
major part of your life for the next two weeks, and you will be sending pigs
into orbit.
Only good day for
kissing a bull: Friday the 13th.
Best time for taking
over the world: Friday the 13th after kissing a bull.
Sagittarius: You thought we didn't know what you're up to, did you,
Sagittarius? We're astrologers, we know everything, including your dirty little
secret. And this week, your significant other will too. Start packing.
Best day to cook a
romantic candlelit dinner: Wednesday
Best day to run as it's hurled
at your head: Wednesday
If you were a Capricorn
On the day that you were
born
Today's the day to stay
at home
Unless you want to meet
your clone
|
Who will make you feel very forlorn. |
|
Taurus, Gemini, Libra, Aquarius and Pisces: Life is too
short to spend it reading horoscopes. |
******************************************
ENTERTAINMENT
COME ON HOLLY-OOD!
By Samcrazy and Jennem1
For a long while now one
of our countries greatest landmarks has remained neglected. I am speaking of
course of the W missing from the famous HOLLYWOOD sign. Sure, it isn't one of
the US government's greatest priorities, but some things must stay sacred, like
a reminder of what the world was like before the Pulse.
The W has been laying on
the ground since 2018, when a rabid fan of the WWF decided it would make the
perfect decoration for his trailer. He apparently knocked the letter down by
charging into it headlong. Dazed, he then fell off the side of the hill and was
pronounced dead at the scene.
Great tragedies befall
us now and again, but this is just wrong! Sure, this reporter feels strongly
about a whole lot of things, but all can agree that this news is shocking. Not
that a wrestling fan died in a stupid accident, which is a rather common
occurrence, but that for want of a very small bit of funding the landmark
remains damaged.
In this short report I
want to say that Hollywood is part of the American culture and we should keep
it that way. Our entertainment industry has almost wholly transferred to
Canada, and now it seems what reminders we have of it are following. So I urge
the readers to say, REPAIR THE SIGN for in our hearts, it could repair a hole
the Pulse made.
MOVIES
On Cineplex, Canada:
THINGS GOT
COMPLICATED...,2004 ,Starring
Ali Larter, Kate Beckinsale, John Cusack, and Minnie Driver. Directed by Alan
Smithee Junior. Rated NC-17.
Never has the title of a movie fit the situation. Ali Larter wanted to make a
film where she could let her hair down...along with all of her clothes just
once. Apparently, someone had just the project in this farce over a letter that
was misaddressed to the wrong person. Larter plays Kim who gets this letter
overflowing with sensuality and lust...only with no signature or return
address. She assumes it's from Phil (Cusack) who has had a crush on her.
Unfortunately, she misplaces the letter and it's picked up by her next door
neighbor Alena (Beckinsale) who assumes it's from Kim and tries to reckon with
her latent lesbian tendencies in awkward fashion. Add to the mix Phil's
therapist Dr. Tiffani Masters (Driver) who gets the letter in turn and thinks
Phil wants to have an affair with her and you basically get a comedy of
errors...only the errors are more noticeable than the comedy. The director was
so frustrated over Larter's attempts to spice up the sexuality rather than the
laughs, he publicly disowned the picture with the infamous 'Alan Smithee'
handle. Audiences followed in kind. The sex scenes are about the only redeeming
part of the picture, though the way things were going in some of the actors'
lives (such as Ms. Driver's martial woes with her soon to be ex Josh Brolin)
it's understandable why the passion seems to be more of lust than longing. Contains
nudity and strong sexual content. Parents strongly cautioned. WEIRDARCHIVE
FREE WILLY 15: WILLY'S
REVENGE 2010 starring Keiko the
WHALE, Jason James RICHTER, Woody ALLEN and a host of others. Another great epic starring the loveable Willy and his best
friend Jesse but this time Woody Allen takes it to a new level. He stars as an
evil drug baron, who kidnaps Willy from his habitat in the wild and turns him
bad using a mixture of drugs and hypnotism. Jesse (Richter) looks everywhere
for his pal, until he finds the drugged up whale in a downtown bar, shooting
pool with the bad people (including Harrison FORD and the kid from THE SIXTH
SENSE). How will Jesse save his friend? This is
on-the-edge-of-your-seat-action, with some lovely romance scenes involving
Willy and a dolphin (played by Teri HATCHER). parents warned, it has scenes
with drugs and a whale being doped up, but of course no whales were really
harmed during the making of the film, thinking about it, this really is
gross. SAMCRAZY
******************************************
NEIGHBORHOOD
STREETS OF SEATTLE COMPANY PICNIC
By Logans_Babe
This year at the Streets
of Seattle company picnic, there were a variety of events planned. First was
the annual speech from Jennem, which no one listened to. It lasted about one
hour and supposedly consisted of
Jennem's ranting about the employees and reporters not working hard enough.
After that there were a
series of games. There was the bean bag toss, which was won by DTM. The plastic
egg throw came next. The SOS staff was unsuccessful in producing any fresh
eggs. so with a bright idea from Shnapzie, we filled plastic eggs with yak
slime from a Canadian friend who owns a yak farm. Everyone proceeded to be sick
right after participating. The smell must have been too much. And DAF9 won that
one. It was joked by many that she felt right at home with the slime. And
finally the annual mud wrestling contest. The males' mud wrestling contest
brought about $200 that goes to the lounge fund. The guys are hoping to get a
big screen TV. It was won by ninja650. The runner up, Weirdarchive, supposedly
only lost because he got mud in his eye. The matter is under investigation by
Samcrazy. The females mud wrestling contest brought in $1,000.25 from bets and
$630 from money being thrown into the ring. Some will go to spruce up the
female bathrooms, and some for their own lounge room, being as the guys always
leave it a mess. Iluveyesonly won first prize with the vicious Jennem and her
bull whip in second.
After the games ended,
there was a poetry contest for all who wanted to enter it. Cherokee128 won
first with her beautiful and enchanting poems, Ewachsmuth, with the stolen book
of dazzling poetry, came in second, and DAF9 won third with her limericks, only
because we had to have three winners and there was no one else. The fun and
excitement ended with the food being set out to eat. In the mad rush to get the
good grub, Logans_babe and Sportzgirl16 were literally trampled. They came out
with only minor injuries, but were last in line. DTM could be seen walking
around handing out apples, hard candies, Jennem's meat loaf, and other hard as
a rock things. Many lost their teeth that day.
The day ended with
727angel giving a lovely speech about patriotism to the Streets. Everyone left
in high spirits. All in all the employees of SOS say that the day was one to
remember. "Makes you think times aren't as bad as they seem," said
one employee that no one could name. "You forget that things are as bad as
they are when you are here with family and friends."
True enough. SOS is a
growing family of reporters, getting closer each day. And the company picnic
showed us all just how tight that bond really is.
WHY LOGANS_BABE WAS ARRESTED AT THE STREETS OF SEATTLE COMPANY
PICNIC
By Daf9
I swore that I would
never tattle
What happened at the
Streets of Seattle
Company outing
But it involved lots of
shouting
And a fiercely fought
herbal gummie battle.
Logans_Babe, Logans_Babe
what have you done?
Your life might as well
be over before its begun
If you hadn't been
drinking
It'd have altered your
thinking
For the better in the
long run
Oh the shock! Oh the
shame
Will things ever be the
same?
Logans_Babe how could
you?
If only we knew
Now everybody's sharing
the blame.
Curse you Logans_Babe, I
fear we are fated
To suffer the
consequences of what you created
I'd tell what you did
But I'm strictly forbid
'Cause this board is
PG-13 rated
ANNOUNCEMENTS
MARRIAGE Today Michael
Douglas Jr. married Scarlet Powers, the young girl famous for starring in
ST:Voyager, bringing 36 year-old Douglas Jr.'s wife total up to 15. He says: 'I
just want to honor my fathers memory', but instead of marrying a woman that was
half his age he thought that moving to Arabia and having more then one wife
would be cooler. Samcrazy
BIRTH Smith, Janet and
Steve The Smiths welcomed identical sextuplets Phoebe, Monica, Rachel, Emily,
Gabrielle, and Xena. Although the Smiths planned on one child, a brownout
during the in vitro procedure resulted in what they call "our blessed
accident." Since their insurance has the standard power interruption
clause, all donations will be gratefully accepted. Jennem1
BIRTH Andy and Cindy
Walters proudly announce the adoption of five long since discarded in vitro
fertilized embryos. DNA testing revealed that the embryos were actually Mrs.
Walters brothers and sisters, abandoned at the Happy Days fertility clinic
following her parents bitter divorce. "I always wanted a little brother or
sister" Mrs. Walters gushed. DAF9
******************************************
LIFESTYLE
WHO DOESN'T NEED HARMONY?
By Samcrazy
In the chaotic
world of today people are finding new escapes to help relieve the pain that the
Pulse left behind. So people are
turning to Feng shui!
Feng shui is
the ancient Chinese practice of arranging a room or environment to balance
energy, or chi. This is also known as the art of placement. Feng shui says
that when a room has it's chi focused and channeled, then its inhabitants are
as healthy as the room.
Many of the people
this reporter talked to believe that positive vibes help them get through the
day. I viewed rooms which have
undergone the process of having energies channeled, and not only did Feng shui
improve the 'feeling' of the room, the room itself looked nice.
I talked to a Mr.
Bounty, who claims to be an expert on Feng shui about why this is a growing
trend in post-pulse life.
"Well, I believe
that harmony is something that this world is lacking, obviously due to the
havoc the Pulse wreaked. This art is
now coming back as a fresh alternative to do as a past time. Feng shui can be a hobby and a way of life,
it is rewarding and challenging at the same time. Balancing a room's energy is a gradual process and it does take
up time. People nowadays have time on
their hands, why not make Feng shui a pastime?"
Mrs. Honker is a
woman who has offered her services to the people of Seattle as a consultant on
Feng shui. She tells us what kind of
people she's helped focus their energies.
"The men and women
in Seattle have found that Feng shui is a nice pastime. The rich and poor alike find that a bit of
harmony in their life helps relieve the stress of post-Pulse life. A couple I consulted with said that after
the three day period of getting used to their new room style said that Feng
shui helped their love life. A family
who found that their front room was lacking something told me that after I had
showed them the art, they had many less arguments over the state of the living
space. Even one man who expressed
interest in converting his bedroom into a space of harmony said that he was so
happy with the room that he has no trouble with drawing ladies in. You see? Feng shui helps everyone!"
So there you have it. Try Feng shui, it's good for your life love…and other things.
FAST FOOD LOVERS LAMENT
By Dammachine and Daf9
KFC, KFC,
You meant so much to me
Then P.E.T.A. got on
your case
And you were forced to
replace
Crispy chicken with
crappy chickpeas.
Old McDonald's, they had
a farm.
In his tractor he caught
his arm
Bite into a burger and
tasted his finger
In my head the thought
did linger
My team of lawyers sued
for that harm
I went to Wendy's and
ordered the same
To my surprise, when the
order came
I looked in the bag
Oh man what a drag
My lawyers are back in
the game
I then went to the
Burger King drive through
Just to get something
that's new
I lifted the bun
I laughed "oh what
fun"
There seems to be bugs
in this goo.
******************************************
CLASSIFIEDS
FOR SALE: A slightly
torn up picture of Elvis behind a tree. Smells a bit of cat litter. Starting
price at $330, but willing to go lower. call 303030303111666
A healthy young woman
willing to meet on a blind date. Bring own blindfold. Alcoholics preferred.
meet at the 'Crash' bar at 7:00pm on Wednesday.
46 yr DWM, 300+ lbs,
5'7" w/ yellow hair & eyes ISO 18-23 yr SWF, 100-105 lbs,
5'7"-5'9" to fund and accompany me on my world travels. Must have own
transportation, income, sector passes. NO pets! NO smoking! NO STDs! Call
555-4391.
Single female with
independent income seeks houseboy. Must be willing to perform any task
cheerfully, in exchange for luxury lifestyle. No freaks, geeks, or ex-convicts.
Unsatisfactory performance will result in execution.
