STREETS OF SEATTLE
(date withheld), 2019
http://pages.prodigy.net/jennem
To our readers: The stories
appearing in today's STREETS OF SEATTLE have been cleared by the U.S. Army
under the provisions of the Martial Law Declaration of 2009 and the National
Emergency Declaration of 2010.
Editor in Chief: Jennem1
Senior Editor: Daf9
Managing Editor: Samcrazy
Chief Reporter:
Weirdarchive
Chief Financial Officer:
Logans_Babe
Opinions Editor:
Shnapzie
Contributing Reporter:
Lucifer6Lexi
Contributing Reporter:
Dark_Fairy__
Contributing Reporter:
Qmontgomery
Contributing Reporter:
Meeganpie
Contributing Reporter:
Legend10013
Contributing Reporter:
Cherokee128
Contributing Reporter:
727Angel
Contributing Reporter:
Sportzgirl16
Contributing Reporter:
DCRacing
*********************************
LOCAL NEWS
MYSTERY ASSASSIN ON THE LOOSE IN SEATTLE
By Samcrazy
A terrifying chain of
murders has occurred in Seattle in the past two weeks, seemingly linked by the
strange mutilation of the body after death. There were no fingerprints or any DNA samples left on the victims. The police department are at a loss as to the
murderer's motive for the killings, his/her name, and whereabouts.
In a statement from the
Seattle police department, they commented on the fact that: 'There is no
evidence to suggest that this person is still around Seattle and that more
people are in danger. We are currently
using all the resources open to us to try and track down this person, and yes
we believe that the murders are linked by the way the murderer has abused the
bodies after their demise. At this time
we can not release anymore information on the killings, thank you.'
Using inside sources we
received a picture of one of the bodies, and a report filed by the head of the
police morgue. A section of the
document describes the mutilation: '...all teeth removed and taken from the site
where the body was found, preventing use of dental records. There was a large bruise on the lower arm
and another below the pelvis. There was
a clean break of the tibia on the right
leg. The left leg was dislocated at the
synovial joint from a kick to the femur. There were cuts on most of the upper body with residue of soil compounds
and mosses, indicating that trees and bushes had scratched the victim. There was evidence of clotting in the nose
and a slight facture of the upper bones, a possible nose bleed may of
occurred...'
The account also
mentions a strange tattoo on the back of the neck, resembling a barcode used to
scan in shopping items at supermarkets. As with the other three bodies the barcode was identical, giving the
police a reason to link the killings. The removal of teeth also indicated to the police that the same murderer
had preformed all four.
As far as we can tell
from the limited information, there are no known motives for each individual
case. The killer seems to strike at
will with no link between his/her victims. The only piece of information we could extract from the rumors floating
around the police department was that the killer has a pattern in the method
that he/her tracks the victim. Each
time the prey was given a handgun, (this fact was proven by fingerprinting) and
from the cuts on the exposed parts of the body it looks like that four people
were running through the forest before they were hunted down and killed.
A forensic expert
informs us that any DNA samples collected wouldn't be able to be matched up for
all the on-file, named samples for they were either lost after the Pulse or are
restricted by the government.
The people's response to
the mysterious killings is mostly outrage at great lack of information on the
subject not provided by the police. There has been a great deal of panic in the outer suburbs because of the
proximity of the taken victims. A cover
up operation seems to be taking place, and any information on the cases has
been restricted. This is very irrational
of the cop department, for the people are in danger wish to know what they're
up against.
It seems that there is
nothing we can do, so we here at the 'Streets' advise to lock up your doors,
and keep away from the forest. That's
what we will be doing.
STRANGE OFFERINGS FOUND AT LOCAL CHURCH
By Samcrazy
Yesterday the police
department discovered the lost teeth that had been supposedly taken from the
bodies of several murder victims. A
local worshipper who had seen the pile of teeth grow every two days tipped them
off. After removing them the forensic
department confirmed that they indeed belonged to the bodies.
'The results turned up
positive yes. We cannot draw any more
conclusions from this find, though it has helped us identify one victim. Now we can only say, that we believe this
killer to be a madman, thinking that leaving offerings of teeth for the Virgin
Mary is right'
An eye-witness commented
on a disturbance in the church early Tuesday morning, two days before the teeth
were found, which they describe exclusively for the 'Streets': 'Well, I was
sitting in one of the pews toward the front of the church, when this girl
sitting behind me suddenly starts up when a man enters. She followed him and I watched as he placed
a bag of something next to the statue of the Virgin Mary. Then he just took off, so fast that when I
blinked he was gone. The woman
followed, and sprinted after but the door was slammed in her face...she exited
then after the guy'
This discovery has shone
little light onto the case of the anonymous assassin, it has simply added more
mystery into it. The police department
seem to be at a loss as to how to proceed with this problem, but we here at the
'Streets' suggest that telling the people could calm the hysteria and help with
the case. We've found one eye-witness,
if you ask the people, you may find more.
WORLD'S LARGEST GAME OF TWISTER "HORRIFIC DISASTER" SAY
AUTHORITIES
By Qmontgomery
What began Saturday as
The World's Largest Game of Twister ended as a confusing mess of blood, bodies,
and terrified screams.
City officials had
planned the event as an effort to boost community spirit and Seattle pride.
Interest in the event was high, even in the planning stages, and more than
87,000 people came out for Saturday's festivities.
Event planners had laid
out 18,000 Twister game boards in a gigantic square. Guinness Book officials
were present to verify the record-breaking event, as were police officers and
four milk cows - the prize of the eventual winner.
The game started without
incident at approximately 1:30 pm, when Guest Spinner LaToya Jackson announced
that the first move was to be "Right Foot, Blue." The second move,
"Left Hand, Yellow," and the third move, "Left Foot, Red,"
also went without incident. Amazingly, none of the more than 87,000
participants were eliminated during the first three moves.
The fourth move,
"Right Hand, Red," proved to be the proverbial straw the broke the
camel's back. Eyewitness accounts are conflicting, but authorities believe that
the twisted mass of limbs created excessive amounts of heat and pressure,
creating a human bomb. At 1:37 pm, that bomb went off. The pile of bodies
literally exploded, sending people as high as 40 feet in the air.
Fortunately there were
no deaths or critical injuries in the mishap, but area hospitals were
overloaded with a combined 14,238 broken legs, 16,003 broken arms, 259,622
broken fingers, and 364,982 chipped teeth.
In light of the Twister
disaster, Seattle has cancelled all plans to host The World's Longest Slip'N'Slide.
RASTAFARANS PROTEST WORKPLACE OPPRESSION
By Lucifer6Lexi
While it is most often
associated with dreadlocks, smoking of marijuana, and reggae music, the
Rastafarian religion is much more than simply a religion of Jamaica. In fact,
Rastafarianism has quite a large following right here in Seattle. Since there
are no real public establishments in Rastafarianism, it is hard to guess how
many there are. But judging by all the letters complaining about how bosses
will not let them practice their faith on company grounds, we can guess that
their numbers are in the hundreds.
One such letter, from a
worker at Rockin' Horse*, says he almost got fired for smoking in the bathroom.
This is not the first of such letters. It is, actually, the 234th letter saying
almost the exact same thing as the other 233. The people at Streets of Seattle
would like to say that we oppose this heartless treatment of Rastafarians, and
if we can get enough signatures, we shall go to the mayor about it.
And please, stop writing
to us, Rastafarians. We get the idea. And if you insist on writing letters,
please refrain from adding "free samples", the secretaries just can
not concentrate, and a few had to take a day off from smoking them.
*all names were changed for
protection of the source
SOAP STEALER NOT SO SLY
By Qmontgomery
Seattle shop owners got
a taste of some real dirty work Tuesday, when it was discovered that a thief
had stolen $7000.00 worth of soap from the shelves of seven stores near South
Market. The crime, which presumably occurred late Monday night or early
Tuesday, was not discovered until stores opened at 7 am Tuesday morning.
The soap was imported
from Somalia, the world's leading soap producer. A valuable commodity since the
Pulse, soap retails at anywhere from $20-$35 a bar.
Leads originally led
police to believe that the soap was stolen by a rogue gang of male prostitutes.
However, a search of The Bawdry Boys' Brothel, their local hangout, turned up
nothing but filth - both literally and figuratively.
After following several
more dead end leads, including one that led them to a yak farm, police decided
to put the case aside until they had more substantial evidence.
A major break came at
around 3:45 pm, when Seattle residents flooded the police station and the
Streets of Seattle office with phone calls. All of the callers reported seeing
a sparkling clean Volkswagen Thing driving through Seattle.
Police quickly caught up
with the Thing and arraigned the driver, 39 year old Joseph Miller. When
questioned, Miller admitted that he had worked alone in the soap heist, and had
planned to sell more than half of the product on the black market.
Authorities ruled that
Miller must pay a $150 fine in addition to returning all of the soap and
washing the windows of the stores he robbed.
OOOPS! A SLIGHT
MISUNDERSTANDING!
By Daf9
South Market sector
police were highly embarrassed today by an incident that left residents rolling
on the ground in laughter. Following an anonymous report that male prostitutes
were harassing customers at the local Shop 'n Wok Chinese grocery store
undercover agents were sent to the scene. There they encountered several young
men offering to "clean [their] carburetors". The undercover agents
immediately called for back up and had four of these young men arrested.
Unfortunately, at the arraignment today it became clear the teenagers were
mechanics, not joyboys, and their offer to clean carburetors was a legitimate
business proposition; unusual as those are on South Market Street. A
spokesperson for the police department issued a short statement saying that the
men had been released from Langford prison and no further actions would be
taken against them.
On the streets of South
Market
Where the joyboys all
park it
Watch out for the 'varks
Who lurk in the dark
They don't think Oscar
Wilde was a wit
EVERYONE WANTS TO KNOW: WHAT'S THE DEAL WITH YAK SLIME?
By Meeganpie
For the residents of
Seattle, it's obvious that Yak Slime is a growing problem. Even the casual
observer is bound to notice Yak Slime lurking in dozens of places; with its
putrid smell, it's hard to miss.
City official have been
swamped with pleas to clean up the Yak Slime but with limited government
funding, a permanent fix could be months away.
In the meantime, Seattle
will have to deal with its newest resident.
To make the Yak Slime
epidemic as easy to handle as possible, the Streets of Seattle answers some of
your most common Yak Slime Questions:
What is Yak Slime,
anyway? We don't really know for sure. You'd think that it comes from a
Yak, but what the heck kind of animal makes slime? A snail? A slug? Yeah,
that's all right, but a yak? Come on, give us a break!
Why does Yak Slime smell
so bad? Again, we're not sure.
Maybe if we knew where it came from, we could begin to guess why it smells so
god awfully terrible. We've seen yaks before, and we know that yaks don't smell
nearly as bad as Yak Slime. Maybe Yak Slime comes from a really, really dirty
yak? But on the bright side, you can put a little lemon juice in Yak Slime to
make it not smell so bad. Our editor, Jenn, uses Yak Slime as soothing
aromatherapy gel.
I sat in some Yak Slime.
Will the stain come out of my pants? Yes.
Just rub a little club soda on the stain and it will come right out.
I like to go camping,
but bug spray is so darned expensive these days. Is Yak Slime an effective bug
repellant? Yes. Yak Slime smells so
bad, even insects won't want to get near it. Cover yourself in Yak Slime the
next time you want to go camping and you should be fine.
I'm going bald. Can Yak
Slime help me? Put Yak Slime on
your head, and you should have thicker, fuller hair in just two weeks.
Can Yak Slime help
relieve chemical burns? Yes.
What about sunburn? Not only will Yak Slime soothe sunburn, its SPF35 will help
prevent future burns.
I heard that the Streets
of Seattle had a picnic or something where they played some kind of a game with
Yak Slime. What game was that? The
Streets of Seattle has decided that it is in the best interest of the public to
never allow any of the events of the company picnic to be recreated, seeing as
how the picnic was the sorry beginning of many arrests, court cases, lawyer
fees, etc. For this reason, we will not tell you what the game was.
Would you say that Yak
Slime is a solid, a liquid, or a gas? It sort of acts like all three. Neither. Yak slime is a plasma.
Plasma? You mean, like
what stars are made of? Yes.
So you're saying that
stars are made of Yak Slime? In
a sense, yes.
But I thought plasma was
really really dense. Shouldn't Yak Slime be a lot heavier then it is? We don't know. We honestly don't know that much about plasma. We
made all that stuff up.
I thought newspapers were
supposed to report facts, not bogus speculation about Yak Slime and plasma. We do what we want around here. Next question?
I think Yak Slime is the
most beautiful color. I want to paint my bedroom the color of Yak Slime. What
would you call that color, if you had to give it a name? We'd call it green.
Does Yak Slime taste
good? Yak Slime tastes like
chicken. If you put it in the microwave for a little bit, it's really good.
Lots of cholesterol, though.
Are you sure it's safe
to eat Yak Slime? You don't even know what it is, remember. We've been feeding our pet rabbit Yak Slime for weeks and he's
fine.
Can I use Yak Slime in
my car instead of gasoline? Yes.
Yak Slime is a clean burning, non-polluting fuel. You can use it to start
fires, light grills, run lawnmowers. Whatever you want.
Is there anything Yak
Slime can't do? No. Yak Slime can
do everything.
210 KILLED IN PLAIN CRASH
By Logans_Babe
Yesterday morning at
8:30 an aircraft went down in Tecumseh Washington. All two hundred passengers
on board were killed along with ten crew members. Five of those passengers are
reported to be relatives to the mayor of Seattle.
No bodies have been
found at this point. Police think all the bodies were destroyed in the fire,
following the crash. Even after close survey of the black box, it is still
unclear why the plane went down. Further investigation is required. We will
keep you up to date.
COAT CONSPIRACY
By 727Angel
There has been a strange
rumor floating around about certain mink fur coats. We here at the Streets of
Seattle found out the truth.
The coats were actually
the product of genetic breeding programs experimentation gone wrong. A witness
(who wishes to remain anonymous) told us that the supposed 'mink' was a cross
of a goat, a horse, and a mink. This hybrid was intended to breed with a
goat, an endangered species. Unfortunately the experiment turned out
horribly. "It looked totally freaky. I won't even begin to describe it. Trust
me you would thank me if you ever saw it."
So in major debt, the
scientist had to come up with a solution to get more money. He came up with an
idea. He killed 'It', and yes you guessed it (or maybe you didn't) he made fur
coats out of them. Then he sold the coats.
Now what we suggest if
you do with the coat if you have one: keep it. It will be warm in the cold
winters of Seattle. If you have this eerie feeling of a monster sounding you
and want to get rid of it we suggest you sell it to the black market, or you
can be nice and give it to a poor (no offence to some of you) person on the
street or living in a box. If you are not sure if you have one or not here is
how to tell: 1. The coat is slightly lighter than regular mink coats. 2. The
coat has no tags. 3. the hemming is very bad and is crooked.
So you thought it was
mink?
Well you'd better
rethink.
One touch of that 'fur'
And the experts concur
It's genetically
engineered skink.
SOS REPORTER DENIED BAIL
By Daf9
In a closed court
session, Judge Judy denied bail to Streets of Seattle reporter LOGANS_BABE who was
arrested at the company picnic last week. A trial date has been tentatively set
for September 19. In the meantime the accused is being held for her own safety
in solitary confinement on a suicide watch.
SOS REPORTERS ARRESTED IN BOTCHED ATTEMPT TO BREAK ONE OF THEIR
OWN OUT OF PRISON
By Daf9
The latest shocking
development in the Logans_Babe saga. Four Streets of Seattle Reporters were
caught trying to break Logans_Babe out of prison this evening. Arraignments
will be held tomorrow afternoon at 2 PM. Better hope that Editor in Chief
Jennem will spring for bail.
SOS REPORTER FREED! THREATENS TO SUE!
By Daf9
In another shocking
move, today Seattle authorities released Streets of Seattle reporter
Logans_Babe from Langford prison where she was being held without bail since
last weeks incident at the Streets of Seattle annual picnic. Turns out in all
the commotion Ms_Babe was never read her rights; thereby invalidating her
arrest. She is threatening to sue both the city and her employer for providing
her with the opportunity (i.e. the picnic) to get arrested in the first place.
Unfortunately, the four other SOS reporters who were arrested for trying to
break Logans_Babe out of prison are still under detention. One of them (who
will not be identified for fear that prison officials may retaliate) managed to
smuggle out the following note.
"Conditions in
Langford would be almost bearable if it weren't for this total whack-job who
INSISTS on singing Italian arias every night. If I'm not sprung from this place
soon I'll be ready for loony bin!"
SOS EDITOR DENIES INVOLVEMENT
By Samcrazy
SAMCRAZY told rival
papers yesterday that she denies involvement with the locked up reporters,
although she admits giving one of the reporters who tried to break out
LOGANS_BABE a shovel. "I am not here to debate their actions!" she
said.
We had a one-on-one
interview with the Managing Editor, and she told us that: "I'm not going
to stand for this! Those reporters are needed here, and I am not going to let
them stay in jail!"
*********************************
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NATIONAL NEWS
AMISH AND WICCAN COVENS TO JOIN UNITED NATIVE AMERICAN TRIBES AS
OFFICIAL AND ASSOCIATE MEMBERS
By Weirdarchive
Another sign of the
growing political strength of the Native American Movement became apparent
Sunday as the United Native American Tribes gave the Amish communities
everywhere full membership in its ruling Tribal Council while giving the ten
largest Wiccan covens of North America associate status in its equally powerful
religious/medical organization, the Big Sky Lodge. This stunning development
has given credence to rumors of the UNAT eventually joining the United Nations
General Assembly and further weakening America's clout as a nation.
At its headquarters in
Omaha, Nebraska, the head of the UNAT Sioux Chief Henry Stormraven Collins
announced the admission of the uniquely low tech Christian sect into the ruling
body as a full voting member of its governing assembly, comprising of the major
and minor Native American tribes of North America from the borders of the rogue
Republic of Alaska to the independent Maya Commune of the Free Mexican States
to the Hawaii Principalities. This marks the first time the group has openly
recognized an entire Anglo religion as a tribe. Joining him at the press
conference were Brother Johnathan Simmons, head of the largest Amish community
of New England, as well as several associates comprising the various townships
and counties of fifteen states. Brother John and Chief Stormraven embraced each
other in friendship after a short ceremony signing the documents of
recognization and a puff from the ceremonial Pipe of Peace.
"After hundreds of years
of hate and mistrust, the descendants of the New England Colonies and the 600
Nations are now one with the Great Father." Stormraven said as he held up
the document. "We no longer hold the Anglos with contempt and scorn. We
are brothers as it was meant be until the stars burn no more." Brother
John fielded questions about why the Amish were given Tribal Status despite
UNAT's liberal religious policy which embraces not just the official Native
American faiths but also those of European and Asian origin. "I know thy
has puzzlement over this action, but Brother Stormraven and I have talked this
over with our respective councils. It's a big step and risk he's taking by
adopting us as an equal partner with the Great Spirits. The Amish faith has
been tested by the technological wasteland and by the fruitless pursuits of
pleasure and hedonism. We all felt our kin and kind can benefit by this union.
We, the Amish, have been stray from the path for too long. We now join our
Native American brothers in hopes of preserving our way of life for this
generation and others to come." The status of Major Tribe in the Tribal
Council carries considerable clout within the UNAT, which includes substantial
political and economic clout. Some have wondered how a sect that abstains from
21st Century technology can relate to the fastest rising group in the tech
market with its newest commercial space center opening in Arizona next year,
but Brother Johnathan dismisses it as so much 'hogwash'. "The UNAT has a
history of letting its members chose their own paths." Stormraven
countered. "The Amish asked to join because unlike the Feds, we allow
individuality and nurture it as a gift. They do not wish to rule over anyone
but their own affairs. We of the Tribal Council intend to help them keep their
old ways, for to us the past is sacred." The first order of business for
the new 'Amish Tribe' is to elect a representative for the Tribal Congress and
how to use the sudden economic windfall without damaging its cultural and
religious dogma.
Also at the conference
were several members of the ten largest Wiccan covens who accepted UNAT's offer
of associate membership in the Big Sky Lodge, its equivalent of the Red Cross
and Vatican City. Natalie Cummings of the Moonsign Collective of the West Coast
gave a few words praising the action. "The Earth Goddess is the same
spirit who watches over us all, no matter if it's Sioux, Amish, or Anglo. It
was inevitable that the covens would embrace the First Settlers of North
America in true friendship. We all worship nature and wish to tend to her needs
and heal some of the wounds. The covens will keep faith with the great Medicine
Men and share all our knowledge to the greater understanding of the
universe." Associate membership means the Wiccans can hold services and
recruit within UNAT borders, but can't administer certain rites or counter
medical judgments from the Big Sky Lodge ruling body. Ms. Cummings hopes that
in time the coven will receive full membership. Until now, the tribes have
adopted Anglos and other races on a strictly individual basis based on family
history.
These developments
hasn't gone unnoticed in Washington. Already, the Military Commission have
started reexamining its policy dealing with the UNAT, which had viewed it as an
ethnic group unassociated with any political movement. There's no word as of
yet if the Commission will start drumming out members of the Armed Forces who
are active in UNAT affairs. Privately, a spokesman hopes cooler heads will
prevail. "We owed the Tribes a lot, especially since this country hasn't
been as kind to them as it should. Still, I hope they won't start asking for an
independent state. We've got enough problems with Alaska."
NEO-LUDDITE TERRORISTS BOMB ALTERNATE ENERGY STATIONS NATIONWIDE,
PRESIDENT FURIOUS
By Weirdarchive
The infamous Neo-Luddite
terror group, the May 22nd Movement (which was reformed after its disastrous
raid of ConGen2 in Seattle last year), struck against some of the vital
alternate energy stations on the West Coast Thursday, putting much of the
western US into darkness for five days. President Barrows has called on all
Americans to 'find these bastards and kill them!', ordering massive militia
movements not seen since the first years after the Pulse.
The May 22nd Movement,
basing its philosophy on the late Theodore Kaczynski (also known as the
Unabomber), returned to the public eye in a big way by attacking fifteen
strategic alternative energy plants throughout five states in covert raids
ranging from a simple missile attack on the Salt Lake Solar Station in Utah to
a full out assault of the California Windmills. Despite heavy casualties, the
terrorists managed to take out five sites and seriously damage three, causing a
power drop which put much of California, Oregon, Washington, and Nevada in
darkness. While the locations of the destroyed and damaged plants have been
classified top secret for National Security, it's rumored the Windmills, the
Salt Lake Solar Station, and the Geo-Thermal Plant in Arizona were among the
sites totaled. The resulting blackouts caused massive riots and looting as a
Level Five Alert was imposed for Los Angeles, San Diego, Carson City, Portland,
and much of Tacoma. Seattle was placed on Level Four Alert Status in fear its
independent power sources would be targeted. So far, none of the Movement have
been sighted and the Level Four Alert has downgraded to Level Two until further
notice. As of press time, power has been restored to LA, Portland, and Tacoma.
The other cities are still under Level Five Alert until further notice. All
travel to Carson City and San Diego is suspended, pending notification from the
Military Commission.
The Movement, thought
crippled with the death of its leader Jon Darius, had kept out of the limelight
for some time. Rumors about its massive recruitments among disgruntled youth
gangs in Southwest were dismissed by most authorities as hysteria. Until last
week's attacks, the group had been downgraded to "Local Interstate
Menace" from its previous high priority status of "Major National Security
Threat" by the Military Commission. There's been no word as to why the
group's threat was reclassified or who will be blamed for such an error. For
now, President Edgar Barrows has ordered a manhunt on any surviving members of
the 22nd Movement and has offered a bounty of $250,000 a corpse to anyone
willing to hunt down suspected members. Later after the speech, the Washington
Military Council urged citizens to remain calm and not to give in to mob
mentality. A curfew is still in effect and anyone attempting any unauthorized
vigilante actions will be detained and tried by a military court.
As of press time, only
ten members of the Movement have been killed or arrested. Most of them were
recent recruits. There is no word on any surviving core leaders still at large.
*********************************
EDITORIAL
WHERE DID ALL THE HAIR STYLISTS GO?
By Daf9
Here at Streets of
Seattle we have noticed a disturbing phenomenon the past several months. In two
words...bad haircuts. Seattle men used to sport some very attractive dos but
recently they have all grown long shaggy hair and appear to be a perpetual
state of "bad hair day". What is with that?
*********************************
LETTERS TO THE EDITOR
Dear Streets of Seattle,
Your recent article on
the benefits of Feng Shui piqued my interest enough so that I hired a
consultant in the art. After much arranging and rearranging, my few items of
furniture were situated to her satisfaction. I was informed that this
arrangement would stimulate my "harmonious inner balance." Well, FYI,
the whole art is a bunch of quackery. Unused to the new positioning of my home,
I caught my foot on my coffee table, fell over onto my torchiere lamp which
tipped over onto my bookshelf. The impact caused a tremendous wobbling which resulted
in an expensive pottery vase from atop the shelf falling on my head which
knocked me unconscious for 2 days. Because of this, I missed enough work that I
got fired. No job means no rent money, so I was evicted. I now live in a
cardboard box on the street. So much for balance. Perhaps you could try making
your articles a wee less vivid.
Dear Editor,
I would like to correct
a factual error in DAF9's article "Supreme Court of Canada abolishes the
National Anthem". DAF9 reported that the CNIB was responsible for having
the line "with glowing hearts we see thee rise" removed from the
anthem. That is incorrect. Following the CNIB's petition the line was CHANGED
to "with glowing hearts we sense thee rise". It was in point of fact
the law suit launched by the organization that I represent "The Atomic
Energy Workers of Canada" that had the "glowing hearts" removed.
We successfully argued that since several of our members actually had
"glowing" hearts due to that unfortunate nuclear reactor accident
back in 09 the line was insulting to them.
One other comment
regarding the article. I wish DAF9 could learn not to use so many run-on
sentences.
Editor's Note: we
maintain a stock of commas which we sprinkle liberally through Ms. 9's articles
weekly.
Dear Streets of Seattle
Re : Supreme Court of
Canada Abolishes National Anthem
As the legal
representatives of "Canadians living with Schizophrenia or Tinnitus"
we thought you would be interested to know that should the Canadian Parliament
adopt 3 minutes and 45 seconds of absolute silence as the new Canadian national
anthem, we intend to file a grievance. As our clients hear either ringing in
their ears or voices in their heads, they would be incapable of properly
appreciating the national anthem and thus would be discriminated against.
Sincerely yours,
Higgins & Doolittle
*********************************
FEATURES
THE BEST
RESTAURANT DUMPSTERS TO EAT OUT OF.
By Dark_Fairy__
Some of our readers use this paper of bedding, some use it
for fire starter, some just read it. Its sad, people having to eat from
dumpsters, not being able to afford anything else. But this artical isn't
for there pity.. No its for them to find food!
I had an interview from a local street bum, on which
dumpsters she eats from.. her name is Leanna Wilson, and you may enjoy
this.
DF: Hello Leanna..
Leanna: Hi.
DF: So what was life like before you ate out of dumpters?
Leanna: I always ate out of dumpters..
DF: How old are you?
Leanna: 33
DF: Really? You were around before the pulse!
Leanna: Yep..
DF: But why did you have to eat from dumpsters as a child?
Leanna: When my parents got paid they'd spend their money on drugs and
beer.
DF: Have you heard of the Streets Of Seattle Newspaper?
Leanna: I use it for bedding..
DF: Right.. well, can you tell me which dumpsters outside restaurants you
prefer.
Leanna: Sure! The old Mac Donalds..
DF: Wasn't that closed before the pulse?
Leanna: There burgers are the best!!
DF: What else?
Leanna: Ever heard of Lanquita's Itailian?
DF: Good food there? (Hopes slightly raising)
Leanna: Beside it there is a Mr. Mikes dumpster I like.
DF: Do you have any taste bud whatsoever?
Leanna: Probably not..
DF: Did kids make fun of you at school before the pulse?
Leanna: Yea..
DF: Anyone in particular you want to say something to now?
Leanna: Yes, your sister Christina.. tell her that I like her husband..
DF: You mean Dooley?
Leanna: Oh yea, he made fun of me too!!
DF: You like my sisters husband?
Leanna: Oh and theres a great place for sea food down by the harbour..
DF: Wait a sec.. You like my sister's husband?
Leanna: The scrap food is amazing there!!
DF: Shut up for a sec or I'll slap you, now answer me, you like my sister's
husband?
Leanna: Yep..
DF: So your like Larry Trowsdale then, sleep with people married..
Leanna: I never slept with Dooley!
I had an interview with Dooley later on that day;
DF: Did you know Leanna Wilson likes you?
Dooley: What the F^ck?! Where is she? I'll kick her a$$!! I'll throw food at
her!!
DF: She'll eat the food..
Dooley: I'll throw rotten food at her then
DF: She'll eat that too.
Dooley: Is she insane?
DF: Probably, now you better go back to my sister..
Dooley: Alright!
My summary;
There are bums on the side of the road, there are dumpsters need of
cleaning, but that doesn't stop them.. They have no choice, sadly, Leanna
was brought up this way, and will never turn her back on her um- old
traditions. (hahahahaha) Now, dumpsters dumpsters which one to choose; well
if you have no tastebuds, eat anything!!
DREAMS AND WHAT THEY MEAN
By Legend10013
Hi, and welcome to
"Answering your dreams" column. Due to food poisoning the usual staff
writer Dr. Stacey will be out for the next few articles. We have luckily retained
the services of Legend10013 guru to the stars.
I'm glad to be here to
help needy..er..people in need I meant. First let me say dreams are what you make it. I personally enjoy
horror. Let's see what we got in our
e-mail bag.
Legend10013
"I dreamt that I
woke up on a beach and a stranger came and threw me into the water. What do you
think it means?" From effa@roaul.com
"First, run when
you see strangers. Second get swimming lessons."
Legend10013
"I dream of
cookies!!" Cookie monster@tollhouse.com
"I'll send you a
bag of cookies. There you are cured."
Legend10013
"I'm a fan of this
TV show about a genetically enhanced girl and I keep dreaming about her. What
should I do?" Rock@WWF.com
"Well Rock, I gotta
say I can't help you. I'm a fan of you know who too. Anyway I saw you at the
convention last week. Didn't you win that cool autographed poster? E-mail me
here at the newspaper and maybe we can work out a trade."
Legend10013
"There were dogs
and more dogs and even a mutant dog in my dreams and they kept chasing and
biting! I can't sleep I can't eat. I feel over worked and
unappreciated." Stamps@PO.com
"Well it's pretty
obvious you are a postal worker. I suggest first that you get rid of any guns
you might own and second you don't go to work today and find a good shrink
nearby you. Third bring lots of steak with you when you do go back to
work."
Legend10013
"I saw a crow when
I was in bed with my boyfriend and I keep having recurring dreams of running
through a snow covered field from men in black suits what does it mean?"
From Katbuglar@EO.com
"Well, I think the
crow represents death and an innate fear of commitment. You fear that it will
end before it begins. By the way I know a life insurance agent if your are
interested. As to your dream of men black suited men chasing you...this dream
is most common to people who work for the government or former employees. You
fear that they want you for something and are planning on kidnapping you or
something worse. My suggestion is that you go back to your former employers and
talk to them and you will see you have nothing to fear."
Legend10013
Sorry, folks that's all
the time we have for mail today.
"Have nice dreams
and stay away from crows and mutant dogs."
PROBLEM COLUMN
Dear Dr. Love,
I was dumpster diving
the other day and my head collided with a very cute man's. Now it is a rumor
that if that happens, then you are sole mates with the person you bumped heads
with. I am already married and I love my husband. But I want to know if this rumor
is true and I married the wrong guy.
Thanks,
Dumpster Dumby
Dear Dumpster Dumby,
After extensive research
of my own, I have found that the rumor is true!! Dump your husband you dumby
and marry your dumpster sole mate!!
Sincerely,
Dr. Love
Editor's note: it has
come to our attention that Dr. Love is...well....playing doctor with Dumpster
Dumby's husband, and is thus not quite as impartial as we would like. However,
we need to fill the space so we printed it anyway
Dear Doc,
My fiancé and I just found
out that we are long lost siblings. I assure you that we clearly see what it
will mean to our family and the community if they find out. We will be
outcasts. We don't plan to tell anyone. But we are secretly planning to move to
a different state and get married. Is this a good idea? Or should we forfeit
our love for the sake of the public eye?
Hopeless
Dear Hopeless,
Your name wouldn't
happen to be Olivia Smith would it? Oh well, I say what the heck! get married
right here in Seattle. I know a good cross dressing priest you can call. He
doesn't charge much and he has some of the most outrageous outfits! hey, if you
are going out, it might as well be with a bang. An dif you need a wedding
dress, we have a great fashion consultant here at the streets who will refer
you to someone who makes awesome wedding dresses out of toilet paper, tooth
paste and tampons. And the lady in the shop next to us is selling cardboard cut
outs of flowers. They go pretty expensive, but they last forever. :)
Yours in a time of need,
The Doctor of Love
WEATHER
Monday: It will rain in spits for today, with gradual sunshine peeking
through. Along with the ozone layer the cloud cover will get larger, causing on
and off sunshine periods.
Tuesday: EXACTLY the same.
Wednesday: The ozone will be at an all time high. Stay indoors if all
possible.
Thursday: Rain. Since Thursday is also the day that the slaughterhouse burns
its excess carcasses, look for some pretty gritty precipitation.
Friday: Humidex will be 120%. In other words it won't be raining but if
you step outside you'll end up all wet.
Saturday: Freak hailstorms, gale-force winds, and a small tornado.
Sunday: Rain clearing by early afternoon.
*********************************
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need to perform your own heart-bypass.
*********************************
ENTERTAINMENT
MOVIES
By Weirdarchive
On Cineplex, Canada:
BOLDER AND BOLDER, 2009, starring Carla Gugino, Alyson Hannigan, Shannon
Elizabeth, and Eric Balfour. Written and Directed by Wayne Wang. Rated NC-17.
If there was a movie that could be considered the signature film for the
Lesbian Film Era of 2007-2011, this would be running neck and neck with LOVE
TEARS. The movie is simple enough. A woman named Cassie (Gugino) is feeling
like her life is losing its meaning as she turns forty. Her job is a drag, her
married life is a farce, and sexual fulfillment is close to impossible. Enter
free spirit Angela (Hannigan), her lover Abby (Elizabeth), and her sometimes
'boy sex toy' Frankie (Balfour). A chance encounter (well, more like traffic
accident actually) has Cassie suddenly finding options she never even
considered as she's taken on a roller coaster of carnal pleasures and deep
insight of her life's priorities and her inner self. While Elizabeth was
notorious for her insisting on roles requiring as little nudity as possible to
keep her from being typecast, she was more than willing to show it all and then
some...mainly because most of the cast were just as naked and she felt the
script was good enough to warrant such exposure of her flesh. Gugino was no
stranger to nudity or lesbian love scenes (due to her work in JADED and The
Center of the World), and she more than did her fair share in this film. (In
fact, Hannigan had privately mused about taking her up as a lover during her
own turmoil with ex-husband Alexis Denisof.) Granted, the tale of someone
regaining a lust for life after having some intense experiences (some of the
sexual kind) is nothing new. But Wang does make it worthwhile by having the
characters be both teacher and student for one other. The climatic orgy scene
alone symbolizes this by having each character say 'Teach me. Touch me.' in a
personal close-up while experiencing foreplay and arousal as if they were one
person. The picture garnered three Oscars nominations for Best Picture and Best
Actress for Gugino and Hannigan (who did received awards at the Cannes and
Berlin Film Festivals and a Golden Globe). It also received Best Picture by
GLAAD and the Independent Spirit Awards. Contains nudity and extremely frank
sexual themes. Parents Strongly Cautioned.
RUN AND HIDE!, 2006, starring Nicholas Brendon, Cuba Gooding Jr., and David
Boreanaz. Written by David Greenwalt and directed by Joss Whedon. Rated R. Joss tried to break away from his masterpiece BUFFY THE VAMPIRE
SLAYER by doing a bizarre twist on the sci fi alien bug tale. Here, three guys
from a wrecked spacecraft are being chased by aliens because they INVADED their
planet! Naturally, this comedy of errors tends to get annoying at times due to
tongue in cheek jabs against such genre favorites as STAR TREK, ALIEN, and (of
course) BUFFY. But the leads do their best to make the ride enjoyable and
Gooding and Boreanaz have a good buddy-buddy chemistry that did work when they
were paired again in Jet Li's 2008 opus HONOR IS FOR THE DEAD, which dealt with
Vietnam draft dodgers hiding out in 1972 Hong Kong. Don't expect much from this
picture since the writer and director at the time were close to burnout. Contains
comical violence, brief nudity, language, and an amusing sex scene with a rock.
Parents Strongly Cautioned.
DON'T YOU F**KING LIKE
ME?!?, 2003, starring Eminem.
Directed by Spike Jonze. Unrated.
This concert film/documentary covers the North American Tour of the very
colorful and controversial rap star in more ways than is comfortable. It's
scary enough to see his act in full view, but to watch such notables like
Jessica Biel, Martin Sheen, and Liv Tyler thrown in their opinions about the
man...well, you have to see it to believe it. This film does touch on his
gentle side as he helps out a dying buddy fulfill his wish of pissing into the
Grand Canyon from a hot air balloon (Don't even ask!) and his charity work, but
mostly this is a poor rip from Madonna's far superior TRUTH OR DARE concert
film. This is strictly for Eminem's fans and voyeurs of the rock/hip-hop
lifestyle. Contains strong bigoted language, nudity, sexist attitudes,
violence, bodily fluids, and questionable acts of taste. Parents Strongly
Cautioned.
*********************************
POETRY
A HORSE
By Cherokee128
Running Free and Wild
and Great.
A Piece of heaven here
on earth.
A Graceful beast that
roams the
plains and rules the
islands.
Found where no man dare
go.
A magician with speed
and power and grace.
A body of pure muscle
that
quivers when he runs.
A dancer that is always
Running Free and Wild and
Great.
By Valiantangel
The
horizon darkens with the promise of rain
Beasts shelter in the towering pines
But in the slate sky
So far, far above
A lone merlin's wingbeat
Defies the storm.
*********************************
CLASSIFIEDS
Help wanted: for mystery
job call: 0324953636305058
Help wanted: help is
needed at the Crash bar. Pays 5.50 an hour. Must be able to work nights and
know how to mix drinks. Waitressing experience would be helpful. Go to the bar
and ask for Hillary to apply for the job.
For sale: 3 Cute Kittens
that are almost a month old. They are black, grey and white if wanted call
599-4526-56734
Wanted: Large, Strong,
Bad tempered Woman. Must have nasty attitude and ill feelings toward men. Must
have her own leather gown and large whip. Must enjoy whipping and humiliating
men to the point of tears or even unconsciousness. If you fit body type and
hate men, you could earn Big money as "The Leather Mistress" in
Captain Don's House of Pain &Pleasure. We pay daily and you will also
receive tips of cash, can goods, and teeth from your customers. NO
X-2's!!!!,,Come by at night 7:00pm to 9:30 weeknights, Its the small gray
building next to the pier.
HELP WANTED:
"Personal Assistant" for wealthy bachelorette. Must be able to work a
minimum of 20 hours a week, be on call 24hrs a day. Must be able to lift
110lbs. Endurance a plus. Provide own Vaseline, transportation. Call Esmeralda
@ 552-837-7758. Excellent pay.
Wanted: A blind woman up
for some good lovin'. call 583374792222333
Wanted: Marbles. I've
lost mine. Call 555-7394 and ask for Mrs. Wiggins.
Wanted: Any kind of
animal that I can give to my son. He needs a friend that he can love.
LOST: 2 robots from
crash landed spaceship. One has the facial features of a duck and answers to
the name of "Crow." The other has a gumball machine for a head and is
called "Servo." They were last seen at the Cineplex 500 yelling out
rude comments to the characters on screen. If found, please call 555-6448. Ask
for Mike.
Wanted: Young girls that
want to see the world! Yes that's right you can see the world, wear beautiful
dresses, eat fresh food and yes we have fresh beef, chicken and fish, Dance,
party and meet Wealthy Asian business men, and you get paid to Party! If your a
pretty girl between the age of 10 to 16,have most of your teeth and no terminal
disease and would like the adventure of a life time come by "Don's
Pleasure Cruises" [The small gray building next to the pier]Between 7:00pm
and 9:30pm weeknights ALSO if your the parent or guardian of a troubled young
girl and would like to better" YOUR" life bring her by, Let Captain Don
take away your troubles, we have cash, gas, salt, can food and teeth to trade.
For sale: Queen sized
bed with sheets and comforter. Springs are broken but still comfortable. Call
552-678-8903
Found: Big casserole
dish with yak slime and pepper. Tastes real good. Get it before we eat it all.
Florence @ Tom's toe licking good food.
Lost: One black and
white cat. goes by the name Barcode (Cody for short). MG @ Fogle towers.
Wanted: Fresh goat milk.
Or goat. Call Bill @ 568-9367
