SEATTLE RESIDENTS WARNED AGAINST DRINKING WATER

STREETS OF SEATTLE

(date withheld), 2019

http://pages.prodigy.net/jennem

To our readers: The stories appearing in today's STREETS OF SEATTLE have been cleared by the U.S. Army under the provisions of the Martial Law Declaration of 2009 and the National Emergency Declaration of 2010.

Editor in Chief: Jennem1

Senior Editor: Daf9

Managing Editor/Columns Editor: Samcrazy

Politics Editor/Columns Editor: Preciousjax

Chief Reporter: Weirdarchive

Chief Financial Officer: Logans_Babe

Opinions Editor: Shnapzie

Entertainment Editor: Jox5

Contributing Reporter: Dark_Fairy__

Contributing Reporter: Qmontgomery

Contributing Reporter: Legend10013

Contributing Reporter: Cherokee128

Contributing Reporter: April (X5422)

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LOCAL NEWS

STREET SUPERMAN SAVES JAMPONY MESSENGERS

By Samcrazy

Wandering Seattle's sidewalks in the dead of night is not advisable, especially when gangs roam free without cops to restrain them. Until we received a report from a Mr. Sketchy, hapless employee of Jam Pony, we thought that there was no hope for the late partygoers who exit into the streets at night. But we were mistaken from this eyewitness account of an incident last Tuesday.

At approximately 11:43pm, an unlucky couple exiting from the local 'Crash' bar were surrounded by a group of thugs, who demanded the wallet of the young man. "My friend and I were shocked to see the group of desperate criminals surrounding us, and as my lady friend tried to engage the leader in conversation I saw that it wasn't working so I swung a mean left hook but there were just too many of them, they beat me down and I fell to the ground after throwing a few devastating punches. The young woman with me, who doesn't want to reveal her name, saw that I went down and as I dropped into the oblivion of unconsciousness she tried to fend them off. When I awoke a minute later I saw her standing over the body of one of the attackers, and that's when I saw him"

"Him?"

"This dark man who jumped up at the last standing gang member and kicked him fiercely in the head. With only a quick look back he ran off and then he was gone"

"And what was your lady friend doing at this time?"

"Cowering, most probably at the power of our Street Superman...that's what I've chosen to call him, you know!"

"Thank you Mr. Sketchy"

"Oh, I would just like to add that I am single and you can call me at 6..."

There have been linked reports about a 'mysterious man' entering the rooms of government officials shortly before their strange deaths. Whether he is in fact a mystery assassin or a 'street superman' we cannot speculate, but this urban legend in the making's image certainly is that of hope and we here at the 'Streets' would like to see more on this. However, there are mixed feelings on the sudden appearance of another 'unknown factor' in Seattle.

We spoke to Mr. Bowen of the Seattle 'gang control' department. He told us of the risks of trusting a stranger to enforce the law. "This new man on the streets may look like another guy trying to do a good deed but there are many radicals out there who inflict more damage then they intend. This 'mystery man' could be a part of another group of people who believe in getting rid of other gangs using violent methods. The sector police are well briefed on the kind of people who wonder around at night and we are trying to crack down on them.

The reports I've received suggest that this new 'street superman' has been out and 'cracking down' on the local gangs more then the sector police have. What's more, the people of Seattle have been complaining that there are no cops out there on the streets at night.

"This 'street superman' is just the latest of a long line of wannabe heroes. The sector police haven't been in the papers as much because the work they do is expected and not regarded as newsworthy material. And I would like to stop these continuing rumors that there are no sector police on patrol at night. There are over fifty men and women putting their lives on the line every night. They are there."

Impounding vehicles illegally according to many outraged citizens!

"We have corrected this problem, which I may add was not 'overlooked' by the heads of the sector police"

I see. Do you have a closing statement?

"Yes. This new superhero may seem like a blessing but you have to be wary of him being a possible radical, someone who will go to lengths to rid Seattle of thugs. The sector police are going to step up their anti-gang campaign in the mean time."

Is this Street Superman someone to be trusted, or is he just another member of another gang? Somehow, this reporter believes that we haven't heard the last of this new hero.

SEATTLE RESIDENTS WARNED AGAINST DRINKING WATER

By Shnapzie

After routine testing procedures, the Seattle Water Board made the announcement that the city's supply of culinary water is unsafe for drinking. As of this printing, the agent causing the safety hazard is unknown. A safety warning has been issued warning residents that until the matter is resolved, ingestion of tap water is firmly advised against. If you are experiencing any unusual symptoms, check yourself into a medical center as soon as possible.

Need something to drink?

Don't go to the sink!

So what do you do

When thirst gets to you?

Alcohol! What did you think?

LOCAL BUSINESSMAN'S DEATH A MYSTERY

By Preciousjax

Jonas Cale, the successful businessman and CEO of Cale Industries, was found dead in his home Thursday afternoon. He was killed by several gunshot wounds to the chest, though the circumstances of the shooting remain a puzzle to the Seattle Police Department. A source inside the investigation told the Streets of Seattle that they believe that the shots were fired from outside the window of Cale's office, though they are unsure of how this happened, since the

office is on the second floor of the large home that Cale resided in with his wife, Margot, who was not at the residence at the time of the shooting. She was not available for comment, and though her whereabouts during the time are not known, the SPD do not consider her to be connected with the murder.

It has been determined that Cale was not alone that afternoon. Gilbert Neal is wanted for questioning in the events surrounding the shooting. Anyone with information should contact the SPD at 254-798-541-234-897 and ask for Detective Robison.

See Obituary on page B3 for more information.

ANIMALS STOLEN FROM PETTING ZOO

By Preciousjax

Officials at the Mandy Moore Memorial Petting Zoo where horrified this morning to find three empty cages. Three cages that used to hold the zoo's prized ostriches. And this is not the first time that various species of animals have been stolen from this particular zoo. Just last week, 17 snakes were stolen for what was once assumed to be skinning purposes. Now it appears to be a serial snatcher. Officials do not know why they are targeting The Mandy Moore petting zoo, whether it is former disgruntled fans of the pop star from the turn of the century, or just random people who are starting their own petting zoo.

The Mandy Moore Petting Zoo was started in 2013 after the stars tragic death. She was thrown from a horse while shooting the music video for the first single off her seventh album, entitle Buzz, which received six posthumous Grammies. It was rumored before Moore's death that she had been in and out of alcohol rehabilitation, but could not seem to let go of the Mike's Hard Lemonade addiction.

A teary eyed Nicholas Roberts, head zoologist at the Moore Zoo, emotionally pleaded for the safe return of his ostriches. He insists that he wont press any charges if they come home safely.

So you wonder what's new

In the petting zoo

Losing the snakes was depressing

But even more distressing

Someone stole the ostriches but left the poo.

OUTDOOR FESTIVAL TURNS INTO MASS RIOT

By Jox5

When the world ended, peoples' tempers started running short. People blow up over silly things, but nothing compares to yesterdays street performers festival.

It started out just like any other fair. People lost money to rigged games, jugglers entertained little kids, stale popcorn was sold at every corner. Then for no reason all hell broke lose. Witnesses say it all started at the fortunetellers booth. A girl with dark curly hair went in the get her palm read, and next thing you know she was ripping down the booth. Police tried to stop her but she took them down without breaking a sweat. From there it snowballed until every booth, tent, and ice cream stand had been burned to the ground.

The only person who was hurt was the fortune teller, who can't remember anything about what she said to the girl. The girl with the curly hair got away and police are still looking for her even though there are a estimated 2000 people in Seattle who fit her description.

DON'T BE A LITTERBUG…. ' CAUSE EVERY LITTER BIT HURTS

By Daf9

21st century Seattle vigilantes have given an old slogan from the late 20th century new meaning. Irate residents in Sector 4 have gotten tired of picking beer bottles out of their gardenias and empty boxes of chewable valium tablets out of their forsythias. Taking matters into their own hands they are ensuring that littering really DOES hurt...the litterer that is.

It all started about six months ago with residents imposing escalating fines for littering (payable immediately). To ensure compliance the resident who first noticed the finable offence would place a "boot" on the offender. The "boot" consisted of a 200 lb concrete block that would be chained to the offender's leg and not removed until the offender paid his fine to the judge who would patrol the streets of Sector 4 three or four times daily. However this form of punishment was quite unpopular with the residents who resented tripping over moaning and groaning litterbugs at all hours of the day and night. After a referendum on the issue Sector 4 started shipping litterers off to Langford prison but that didn't last too long either as prison officials complained to the military authorities. The electric chair proved too unreliable due to the inopportune brownouts. Recently, residents seem to have hit on a rather drastic but highly effective solution: the guillotine. Resurrected from 18th century France the modern day guillotine has not only solved the littering problem but has also proved to be a huge tourist attraction. As an additional unexpected bonus, guillotining of litter bugs has also sparked a growing trash barrel industry in Sector 4. Residents in other Sectors are reportedly considering adopting this highly lucrative solution to the litter problem.

If you throw litter in the grass

Sector 4 residents will be on your @ss

They'll tie your hands and shackle your feet

Before they drag you down the street

Where you will be guillotined, alas!

COFFEE CRISIS GRIPS SEATTLE

By Preciousjax

Yesterday, coffee loves of Seattle suffered a near fatal blow today when Starbucks released a statement confirming rumors that prices would be rising for the first time in two years. Starbucks became the only venue with a license to sell coffee after other café's couldn't compete with there, believe it or not, low prices.

The price for a small cup of regular coffee was raised from $3.25 to $4.95 (tax not included). Former stand up comedian and new Starbucks president Lewis Black stated that the price hike was necessary due to the inflation of shipping prices.

The first effects of the increase could be seen in our very own Streets of Seattle offices. Grown men were reduced to tears. A frantic mother had to talk her daughter, Chief Financial Officer Logan's Babe, off the roof after she went through particularly bad withdraw and threatened suicide. In other cases, Seattle Police Department negotiators had their work cut out for them when a man took one of the many Starbucks venues, and all the patrons inside who could still afford coffee, hostage. He demanded a double mocha latte, hold the cream, extra nutmeg. After a shaky bartended gave him his requested drink, he left willingly, and no one was hurt. Police apprehended him later that morning as he tried to get his girlfriend a low fat cappuccino in a Starbucks across town.

Prices aren't supposed to drop any time in the future. In fact, if Miss Cleo was correct, then we could be expected to pay anywhere up to a dollar an ounce by the end of the summer. But they say Miss Cleo was just an actor. So, we'll just see what fate has in store for us coffee fans.

Some ask why this could have such a profound affect on our society. Obviously, they don't know what caffeine is. Caffeine is an alkaloid, among it being other substances such as theophylline, and theobromine. They can be found in various plants and nuts, such as cola nuts, and drinks such as coffee and tea. Alkaloids have several effects on our bodies, more specifically the brain. Caffeine stimulates the central nervous system and delays fatigue. This explains the thousands of city workers that fell asleep on the job and almost brought the city to a stand still.

Several organizations are already speaking of protests and boycotts. We, at the Streets of Seattle, will keep you posted on this developing crisis.

Caffeine, my caffeine

Oh where have you bean

At $5.00 a cup

I can never wake up

So now we will meet in my dreams.

ALTERNATIVES TO COFFEE

By Preciousjax

For most of us average citizens, $5 a cup is just too rich for our blood. So what ways can we supplement our caffeine addictions. Well, for one we could just stop drinking it. Once we kick the habit, we wouldn't rely so heavily on the 'kindness' of Lewis Black to get a fix. But, why do that when there are plenty of other things to keep us on that pleasant little buzz that only our favorite alkaloid could give us. Here are some (mainly) healthy alternatives.

Tea ($2.50)-

Pros: The Brits seem to know what they are doing. Tea has always been the way they went. Now they are the only ones who aren't being fleeced.

Cons: Stains teeth. But so does coffee.

Coke & Pepsi ($3) ?

Pros: While more expensive than coffee used to be, its two dollars less now.

You can almost buy two for the price of one.

Cons: Contains 35 mg of caffeine. Much less than coffee, so you need to drink that two to get the same buzz as one coffee.

Jolt ($1)-

Pros: It's cheap! It's cheap! It's cheap! Plus, it's got more than twice the caffeine levels of Coke and Pepsi. Taste better too. Clean, fresh taste. Yep, Jolt's good.

Cons: I couldn't find any, 'cause it's cheap!

It is in this reporter's opinion that you all should all go out and buy Jolt. That is Jolt, J-O-L-T. JOLT!!! Why you ask? Because the makers of Jolt are paying me with fresh coffee beans to promote their product.

Editor's note: Please see next week's edition for further information on handling the coffee crisis.

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NATIONAL NEWS

PUBLISHERS CLEARING HOUSE RETURNS...WITH THE SAME OLD MESSAGE 'YOU MIGHT BE A WINNER!'

By Weirdarchive

It was perhaps inevitable for that bane of the mass mailing to return after five years of reorganizing and the relaxing of the Military Censorship Codes. Publishers Clearing House, the company that made 'You might be a winner!' a dirty catch phrase has come back from the dead with all new magazines to subscribe, all new items to buy, all new prizes to win...and the same old allegations of fraud.

Even before the Pulse wiped out most of the North American magazine industry, Publishers Clearing House was already on the ropes from the many civil suits against it due to its flagrant abuses with the mailing service. Its offers of riches ranging from $150,000 to $11,000,00 and up have been the subject of at least thirty state investigations and several Congressional hearings into the business of magazine subscriptions. While the company had tried to settle the suits by reforming its rules (such as telling the customers in plain simple English what their chances were in winning and that no purchase was actually necessary) and giving out refunds, PCH continued to flaunt the laws until the Pulse fried its computer banks and destroyed nearly all records of their clients. With the collapse of many of the magazines such as TOWN AND COUNTRY, YAHOO INTERNET LIFE, MOVIELINE, and TEEN and having no foreign backer to risk the capital, the company fell into bankruptcy. With most of the remaining magazines like PLAYBOY, TIME, US NEWS AND WORLD REPORT relying on its foreign bases for support and the Censorship Codes restricting free speech during the Dark Months, PCH was left idle and abandoned. Then in 2013, a multi-national corporation dealing with the revivals of such favorite magazines as TEEN, MOVIELINE, and HOME AND GARDENS decided on resurrecting the mass mailing beast with new rules and new prizes. After dealing with Federal regulators and the Royal Canadian Mail Service, PCH was reactivated in January 2018 and began printing the first mailings recently.

While the cash prizes are still being offered, the amount has been greatly reduced. Instead of $11,000,000, the top prize is now somewhere among $4,000,000. Other prizes include methane generators, hydroponic gardens, a 10 year supply of batteries, and solar powered radios. Some old favorites like PLAYBOY and TIME are being offered, but for now most of the periodicals offered are based on local tastes and regions such as Spanish language magazines in the Northwest and undisputed counties of Texas and Florida and Japanese newspapers here in Seattle and Portland. Items on sale include the usual battery operated clocks, coin sorters, and gag magnets. There are also some notables such as fast growing vegetables and old public domain VHS movies. By year's end, Publishers Clearing hopes to have 15 million subscribers.

Of course, PCH's return has not been well received by those families burned by the high promises of wealth in exchange for a subscription to a needless magazine. PostMaster General Vicki Masters has promised no one will receive a mailing that doesn't ask for it. Already, there are about 45,000 requests to be taken off PCH's mailing lists. This surge is however offset by the some 250,000 requests for more mailings. Said one unnamed person, "Hey, you can't beat free kindling."

LEGAL DRINKING AGE ELIMINATED

By Dark_Fairy__

Kids have always tried to drink alcohol while below the minimum legal age. Before the pulse, it was 21. It was then lowered to 18 after the pulse. Now there isn't any at all.

Great news right? Wrong! Children have been going into bars, getting drinks, and starting havoc. Interesting to watch, but its sad that some have actually died.

Age isn't important anymore, to kids, getting money for alcohol is. Female children are going into prostitution, some are stealing, and some are just spending their money instead of buying nutritional food to eat.

This is a sad story of Robbie Putter.

Robbie Putter, just as careless as the others. He and his friend stroll into a local bar for their evening drinks. Robbie is 12, working at South Market with his father. Children have been working South Market for decades, hoping to earn another buck.

Robbie and his friends had a few extra bucks, after the hard work they put in that day. They eventually got drunk, the bar waitresses told me that they created much havoc, and they were kicked out of the bar. They were robbed by street jackers, and eventually Robbie attempted to walk home, the streets near the waterfront.

In a drunken rage over being robbed, inflamed by the moonlight hitting the water, he went for a swim. He drowned. His body was washed up earlier this week, and has been sent to be buried.

The legal drinking age is gone, and unless you and or you want your children to follow in young Robbie's footsteps, phone our contact line, we are going to get the age back where it should be.

Contact Line: 1-(441)-729-543

*Note*: No one was harmed in the making of this article, and the author who wrote this, was probably just lying. The Drinking Line number is fake. This author has clearly lied to get a pay check.

REPUBLIC OF ALASKA, RUSSIA, CANADA IN BERING STRAIT PACT WAR GAMES. AMERICA PROTESTS!

By Weirdarchive

The tensions between the US and the rogue state known as the Republic of Alaska have not been helped by the announcement of war games between the Republic, Russia and Canada, which are to be held in the frozen wastes of Siberia later in early September. The acting US Ambassador to the UN filed a protest on the floor of the General Assembly in Toronto, voicing outrage over Alaskan President 'Governor' William Hodges insistence on stronger military ties with its partner nations. "The man is completely mad!" ,bellowed Trish Yearling to the Assembly members. "He has repeatedly threatened to attack US shipping and citizens because of our continuing opposition of his rule and our desire to reclaim that state which is rightfully a part of the United States. To continue supporting this terrorist is flirting with all out war!" The declaration was met with little regard or acknowledgement from either the Assembly or the countries involved. The war games involved tactics used by the US in the abortive recapture of Alaska during 2013. The tactics involved included the infamous Battles of Fairbanks and Juneau and the harassment raids made by National Guard units loyal to the Federal Government based in Nome from 2012 to 2015. Canada is to provide support units only while Russia and Alaska send in their own troops in mock battles. Rumors also have the Chinese participating as observers.

The three countries are allied in a loose military pact similar to NATO. This alliance, known as the Bering Strait Pact, comprises of the Republic of Alaska, the Russian Federation, Canada, Japan, the Republic of Korea, and the United Kingdom. While there is no 'One Attack' policy (which an attack on one member is perceived as an attack on all members), it's generally accepted that any US action against the Republic would have consequences from its Bering Pact partners. Canada and the UK have gone on record wishing no provocative movements be made to or from the US and Alaska in the interest of peace in North America. Russia and Korea, on the other hand, have expressed their intent on defending their ally even with the use of nuclear and biological weapons if the need arises. Japan has suggested a neutral mediator, such as France or Panama, and a suspension of the games to help defuse the situation. So far, there has been no word on whether the games will continue as planned. President Barrows has yet to announce whether he'll consider diplomatic measures against the Bering Pact members, though a military solution is highly unlikely.

Before leaving for the games, commander of the Alaskan Republic Air Home Guard 'Rocking' Billy Phillip Hayes inspected the troops in Nome. Among them were the elite 'Elvis Squadron' (named after Hayes' previous occupation as head of the Alaskan Chapter of The Flying Elvises), the sailors of the Alaskan Republic attack sub LUCKY BUZZARD (christened after the martyred ex-US Navy sub commander Niles 'Lucky Buzzard' Higgins who led the attack fleet against the hastily assembled US flotilla attempting to raid the Alexander Archipelago and later died in Nome), and 'Governor' Hodges own Alaskan Ice Cube Eaters Corp. Wearing his ceremonial uniform, a mix of Elvis in his Vegas years and John Wayne, Commander Hayes gave out the Order of Fairbanks to ten members of the Elvis Squadron for their help in rescuing a stranded Russian fishing boat which was beached off the Arctic Coastal Plain. "Y'all a fine bunch of men." ,he declared. "The Governor loves ya. The King would've loved ya. I love ya. No man has ever had such love and loyalty here except maybe in Graceland. Thank you. Thank you very much." He then gave his battle cry "Viva Alaska!" and boarded his plane. Shortly after take-off, the Elvis Squadron followed as escort with Russian transport planes taking the Alaskan troops to the war games.

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Be a guillotine operator for the "Don't be a Litterbug, 'cause every litter bit hurts" campaign down in Sector 4.

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Don't miss this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.

Apply now in person to 569B Front Street. Ask for Leopold.

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EDITORIAL

THE TRUTH ISN'T OUT THERE

by Samcrazy

Television was a major part of life before the Pulse, and the tradition of sitting in front of the TV all day with a bag of potato chips is once again becoming America's number one past time. However, we have discovered that television has had an adverse effect on the adults of modern day Seattle; one program in particular has seemingly warped the way they think.

This reporter is referring to the supernatural show called the 'X-Files', which featured two federal agents seeking out conspiracies. Throughout the series there were a few different species of extraterrestrial life that appeared on our screens and from startling reports compiled by the human welfare commission they have found cases where the fictional world of the X-Files has been mistaken for reality.

This reporter went out in search of such twisted individuals, and after talking to a few people off the street we heard of one who lives in a small apartment towards the east of Seattle's center. He is only known as 'The Alien Man'.

As we proceeded up the block of apartments to the fifth floor, we discovered that the area was almost deserted except for one door that was slightly ajar. After knocking a small man with disheveled brown hair peeked around. He motioned us in, and we observed that the room was small, and very dark. On the walls there were cuttings from the 'Streets of Seattle' from various articles about strange goings-on, but there were mainly photos of different scenes. I decided to inquire about these later.

"Hello sir, we're from the Streets of Seattle, may we have a moment to..."

"Quiet! They're listening you know..."

"Who are listening?"

"The people..."

"The people? Please elaborate"

"Mulder's with them you know...he's a brave guy..."

"Right. Can you explain your fascination with the X-Files?"

"The documentaries off the TV opened my eyes...the strange people caused the Pulse you know? They brought ships..."

"The documentaries? You are referring to the television show 'The X-Files?"

At this point the 'Alien Man' looked at this reporter in a very strange way, but he proceeded to show us pictures he had taken of alien sightings.

He showed us a picture of a tree on a hill in winter. We inquired as to why this was strange.

"It's green...can't you see...in the middle of winter...something has touched this tree you know...it warned me of this in the documentary..."

"I believe that that tree is an evergreen."

He paused and put it back on the wall. He pulled down another, which to this reporter's disgust was of a cow giving birth.

"Look! Look! It's got two heads! It's a new breed of alien cow..."

"That cow is giving birth, you've taken a picture of it when the calf was coming out the mothers womb!"

The 'Alien man' seemed disheartened, and puts that picture back. He looks over at the window, and pulls out binoculars. He doesn't say a word so this reporter assumed that he was done with us.

We researched into other cases of people who have confused X-Files with the world around us, and to our surprise we discovered that there was a foundation called 'The Truth is out there! Help us to Find it!'

We joined the group for a seminar, and took down notes on what the 'anonymous' speaker said.

"We need to embrace the future! Embrace the aliens, you know when I say aliens I mean weird people who walk among us! We know Mulder and Scully were heroes, they were right to uncover those people around us but we have to accept that we are no longer alone! The only things we have to watch out for are fellow humans using alien devices as a source for evil. Like those boys who moved faster then anyone should, and those nasty doctors who messed with Scully. Unite...unite..."

This was the main focus of the seminar, we decided to talk to one of the directors of 'The Truth is out there, Help us to Find it!' foundation.

He wished to have his name withheld because he was afraid 'the suits would come and get him'.

This reporter was about to start but the director wanted to get it over and done with.

"I just want to say that the X-Files is reality and we are not mentally challenged or anything. We like to raise the awareness that people with special powers are out there and they do walk among us. Scully and Mulder are real and this whole crap about the X-Files being fake is just lies made up by the government!"

We got no more from the director, so we moved on.

This reporter has been concentrating on one extreme of this problem, lovingly called 'Foxitis', so we went out and talked to a few people off the streets to see how confused they really are.

"TV show? The X-Files was fact wasn't it?"

"The X-Files? That show messed me up bad! I thought that people like that were real for a long time, it spooked me"

"They were real, weren't they?"

"I try not to go out much in case I get abducted"

"Mulder...he was gorgeous. I was really worried every time he got involved in one of them weird people...yeah; he came close to death loads of times. I look out for his sister, you know, in case she comes back"

Can a television show really mess people up this badly? Or have these people convinced themselves that the X-Files is fact? This reporter chooses not to think too deeply about Foxitis otherwise she may burst out in hysterical laughter.

LETTERS TO THE EDITOR

Dear Editor,

Can I just say that I am VERY disappointed with the recent actions of the SOS reporters. I had so much respect for you, I don't know how I can read the paper now without wondering what scandal occurred while writing it. Oh, and I wondered if the wonderful DAF9 is single.

From a fan of DAF9 and a regular Streets reader,

Ronald McDonald

Dear Editor,

Yak slime, yak slime

Your essence is sublime

Your odor is fantastic

Your texture elastic

And you come in strawberry or lime

**********************************************

FEATURES

DREAMING ABOUT ME?

By legend10013

"Am I dreaming? I got paid!! Woo hoo!!" That's what I said yesterday when I saw my check from the "Streets of Seattle".

Since I frivolously squandered my brand new refund and paycheck on cookies ..I now need money again. I'm back here hoping to help you and get paid. So keep reading my articles or just send in your donations to my cookie fund. No need for money just cookies will do!

Send in your donation to the following address...

(edited...)

(tummy grumbles)

Alright now lets check out mail bag to see who needs help...I meant need my help.

Here we go...our first e-mail is from...

"I dreaming of tiny mice biting me and eating all my food. What does it mean?"

-Shara@owmom.com-

"Well, Shara if you are a mother of several children I can say this is not an uncommon theme. You subconsciously feel that your children are slowly eating away at who you were as a person. I suggest that you make the father of the children take care of the kids for a week while you go of to a spa vacation. Pamper yourself. Reconnect with who you were and who you want to be. If you have no children then I suggest getting an exterminator."

-legend10013

"Look I hate you and your stupid column. Did I tell you that you ruined my marriage? Anyway I just wanted to know what my dream means?"

-Brad@in.com-

"Okay, if you are dreaming I ruined your marriage I can tell you that you suffer from insecurity about yourself. You need to believe in your S.O. more and yourself. Stand in front of the mirror and say "I believe in myself" fifty times then afterwards say "I'm almost as good as legend" a hundred times. There now don't you feel better? I know I do!"

-legend10013-

"I dream of myself and my loved ones being abducted and having experiments done by aliens. The work I'm involved in deals with such things. I think a friend of mine is carrying an alien child...am I going insane? Is the truth out there? Help me!"

FM@fbixf.com

"Is that you again Fox? Well, I told you already that there are no such things as aliens and that your "friend" is fine. Look, take responsibility for what happened between you and your "partner" and look after your kid. You give men a bad rap ...blaming aliens."

-legend10013-

"I don't dream what does it mean?"

-writer@da.com-

"Well, that could only mean you aren't getting enough sleep and eventually it will impact you work. I hope you aren't working in a field that requires creativity. Get some sleep and let me know how it works."

In Sector 4 by the church tower clock

A great- great-grandson of Sacher von Masoch

Dreams of losing his head

From the litter he spread

As he dances on the guillotine block

ARE MULLETS TOO HIGH A PRICE TO PAY FOR SHORT HAIR?

By Qmontgomery

Many Say "YES"

In recent weeks, there has been a growing concern regarding the large number of bad haircuts sported by Seattle citizens.

Last week one of our own, DAF9, questioned this new style:

"Here at Streets of Seattle we have noticed a disturbing phenomenon the past several months. In two words...bad haircuts. Seattle men used to sport some very attractive 'dos but recently they have all grown long shaggy hair and appear to be in a perpetual state of "bad hair day." What is with that?"

DAF's article caused officials to become concerned that this unattractive trend would lower the morale of Seattle residents. Plans were made for free haircut days, razor distribution, and grooming seminars, but last week's Twister disaster resulted in numerous cash-draining lawsuits against the city.

Out of ideas and faced with governing a city full of ugly men, officials Turned to an unlikely source: The Flowbie.

People of Generation Failure (formerly Generation X), will probably remember Flowbies quite clearly. Featured in a 1990s-era infomercial, the Flowbie promised "quick and easy haircuts for a fraction of the price," with "perfect results every time, right in your very own home."

The Flowbie's underwhelming sales caused leftover units to crowd dozens of warehouses, where they remained until last week when Sector Police began distributing the gadget to hairy men.

However, a few days after the Flowbies were handed out, there was no noticeable improvement in men's hairstyles.

Hairstylist Dale Tutko supplied an explanation: "People in the 90's associated the Flowbie with mullet-style haircuts, it's as simple as that. Time just does not erase those kinds of memories. Nobody wants a mullet."

When asked if it was possible to create an attractive haircut using a Flowbie, Tutko ventured that it is "possible.....but NOT probable."

At a recent State Legislature meeting, it was decided in a vote of 27-1 that short, self-cut, scraggly hair is far better than long shaggy hair. Unfortunately, out-of-control weapon laws require a fourteen day waiting period as part of the Scissor/Knife registration process. Because of this, a traditional haircut is far too expensive for most people.

So with all other options used up, may we at Streets of Seattle offer a suggestion: cut your hair with a butter knife. Please!.

HOW TO PASS AS A CANADIAN PART IV

By Daf9

This is the final installment in our "How to Pass as a Canadian" series. You probably thought you knew everything you needed to know after carefully reading and memorizing our previous articles...and you do; almost. Today's article should really be titled "How Not to Give Yourself Away as an American". Those guys on the horses in the bright red uniforms are getting clever. They know you are out there and they have started setting traps to catch you.

Below we have listed several examples of how the RCMP attempted to make unsuspecting illegal immigrants reveal their American origins and how those individuals cunningly evaded the trap.

1. One poor bloke who wishes to remain nameless reported that he was in a movie theatre in Frobisher Bay when a beautiful blonde sidled up to him, leaned over and whispered in his ear "Who did you vote for for the Senate?". His response to this was to throw his popcorn in the air and scream "Get away from me, you pervert!" Needless to say; he is still enjoying balmy -40°C weather.

2. A young woman in Kapuskasing was in her backyard valiantly weeding her tomatoes when an undercover cop approached offering to sell her a semi-automatic handgun. Just as she was reaching for it she remembered her lessons and quickly turned her gesture into making her arms in the shape of a cross as if to ward off evil. The cop apologized and left.

3. One quick-witted senior citizen in Missisauga was almost trapped when in the middle of his MRI a man wearing medical scrubs and a name-tag reading David Sittler, asked him to recite the Pledge of Allegiance. Fortunately he was prepared. After reciting the pledge perfectly he casually mentioned that as an avid fan of Captain Kangaroo he had known the words to "I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America" long before he knew the Canadian National Anthem. He then asked the phony doctor if he was a relative of his favorite ex-Toronto Maple Leaf, Darryl Sitler.

4. When shown a photograph of the Statue of Liberty a Wawa teenager, after correctly identifying the structure, responded to a surreptitious nudge from his mother by adding "I just LOVED Charleton Heston in that original Planet of the Apes movie!"

So there you have it readers. If you are going to make a break for the True North be prepared and stay alert.

HAIKU

By Cherokee128

Cherokee Sunset
A flame bursting from the sky
A wise graceful beast

HOW TO SURVIVE THE POST-PULSE DEPRESSION TIP OF THE DAY

By Shnapzie

It's normal to hate your life! It's okay to hate your job! It's expected of you to contemplate suicide...WAIT! WAIT! GET BACK HERE! I WASN'T GIVING YOU PERMISSION! All right, it looks like we need to play a little game of "It could be worse."

*Politicians, imagine that the highest position you hold is president of the PTA.

*CEOs, what if the only advertising your business got was some idiot in a fluorescent ape costume dancing around in front of your building?

*Gang members, picture yourself as a member of one of your rival gangs.

*Hospital personnel, if you worked anywhere else, you couldn't pilfer black market drugs with such ease.

*Squatters, what if the sector police were actually honest?

*Homeless people...well, you've pretty much hit the bottom. I don't really think it could be worse for you. But imagine this: what if trash wasn't flammable?? Huh? Huh? Wouldn't that be worse?

So your life is complicated

By the folks to whom you're related?

Read Shnapzie's piece

Your depression will cease

Pollyanna was grossly underrated.

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NEIGHBORHOOD

WITH ENOUGH SALAD FORKS

By Daf9

Back in the early 1980s the American President told the American people in all seriousness that with enough shovels we could survive a nuclear holocaust by each digging a hole in the ground and burying ourselves under a foot or so of dirt. With the lack of affordable housing in Seattle reaching crisis proportions we here at Streets of Seattle are calling for our readers to come up with similarly inventive solutions.

Apart from squatting in abandoned warehouse or apartment buildings, department store displays, old automobiles, chicken coops and doghouses, many people are going in with 35 or 40 friends and renting self-storage lockers. After all, why would it be called self-storage if it wasn't intended that you store yourself there? While small, self-storage lockers have no windows and so do not accumulate dust and grime as a more conventional dwelling might. Moreover they don't have "no pet" clauses. And while you may have to sleep standing up, it's really no different than living in a Manhattan apartment before the Pulse. For those of you who are more loner types, you can put together a small dwelling under your desk at work or at the public library. If you are uncertain as to how to go about this watch the old Jerry Seinfeld episode in which George Costanza did this very thing.

But let's face it; choosing to live in a pre-existing structure is for the unimaginative! The really enterprising Seattle resident is creating his own dwelling.

This reporter for example has taken to eating two chocolate cream filled donuts EVERY morning with her coffee in order to save the small wax paper wrappers to build her very own condo. One wealthy neighbor down the street from the SOS offices used the plastic tub from a party-size potato salad from KFC to make a hot tub that was placed in the guest house that was itself constructed from old SOS newspapers that had been mixed with water and glue and molded into an appropriate shape.

Taking careful note of former President Reagan's solution to surviving nuclear winter, one enterprising young man and his sister went looking for a shovel figuring they would dig themselves a cave in the dirt pile left behind in an old construction site. Of course due to the shovel shortage also plaguing Seattle, they were forced to use salad forks. It's taken them almost seven years but they now report that their cave is nearly ready for occupancy.

Another possibility is to circumvent the need for housing altogether by living exclusively on Jolt and No-doz.

These are but a few of many housing alternatives created by SOS employees, their friends and relatives. We would like to hear from you, our readers, as to how YOU solved your residence requirements.

OBITIUARY: JONAS CALE (1953-2020)

By Preciousjax

Jonas Cale, 67, died April 14th in his home outside Seattle.

He was born October 3rd, 1953 to parents Richard and Caroline Cale in San Francisco, CA. He was a long time San Francisco resident, until 1975 when Cale Industries opened in Seattle. He took over as chairman and CEO of Cale Industries after the death of his older brother, Joshua. On December 28th, 1989 he married Margot Winston, daughter of former senator Charles Winston.

Survivors include: Wife, Margot; one brother, David; one son, Bennett and wife

Mary Anne; one daughter, Amelia and her husband Jack; two nephews, David

Jr. and Logan; a grandson, Noah and a granddaughter Claire.

He was preceded in death by his parents and brother Joshua.

Vigil services are being held at Grace Funeral Chapel, 847 York St., at

6:30-9:00 PM on Monday night. Funeral mass will be at 10:30 on Tuesday morning being presided over by Rev. John Sikes.

LOGANS_BABE WINS AN AWARD

By Daf9

Streets of Seattle learned today that our own Chief Financial Officer (at least for the time being) won an award for the Most Scandalous Autobiography EVER published. Second place went to former President Bill Clinton.

Presumably hoping to preserve her job and her reputation, Logans_Babe published her autobiography under a pseudonym. Unfortunately for her, several of her irate relatives recognized her style and revealed her identity to Streets of Seattle.

We hesitate to publish the more scurrilous details of Logans_Babe's life story as we don't wish to be liable for inducing cardiac arrest in our more sensitive readers. For those who are stout-hearted and not easily shocked go to www.OMG.com.

WEATHER

By Daf9

Weathermen everywhere are scratching their heads. Doppler 5, the most sophisticated weather forecast radar in existence today, Mrs. Moreno in Fogle Towers whose predictions her apartment neighbors have sworn by for years AND the Farmer's Almanac all agree. Seattle is expecting 7 days of CONTINUOUS sunshine. Not partial sunshine, not mostly cloudy, not hazy but 100% sunshine. The world may be coming to an end.

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CLASSIFIEDS

Ostrich burgers: Not only are they a great beef substitute, they are fresh and pre molded into patties. Please Call Jessica Simpson at 798-65-474-9874 if interested in purchases a case. Snakeskin pants, all sizes available also still in stock.

FOR SALE: Large collection of whips and chains. Several pairs of handcuffs included. Excellent condition. $50 for set.