STREETS OF SEATTLE
(date withheld), 2019
http://pages.prodigy.net/jennem
To our readers: The stories appearing in today's STREETS OF
SEATTLE have been cleared by the U.S. Army under the provisions of the Martial
Law Declaration of 2009 and the National Emergency Declaration of 2010.
Editor in Chief: Jennem1
Senior Editor: Daf9
Managing Editor/Columns
Editor: Samcrazy
Politics Editor/Columns
Editor: Preciousjax
Chief Reporter:
Weirdarchive
Chief Financial Officer:
Logans_Babe
Opinions Editor:
Shnapzie
Entertainment Editor:
Jox5
Contributing Reporter:
Dark_Fairy__
Contributing Reporter:
Qmontgomery
Contributing Reporter:
Legend10013
Contributing Reporter:
Cherokee128
Contributing Reporter:
April (X5422)
**********************************************
LOCAL NEWS
STREET SUPERMAN SAVES JAMPONY MESSENGERS
By Samcrazy
Wandering Seattle's
sidewalks in the dead of night is not advisable, especially when gangs roam
free without cops to restrain them. Until we received a report from a Mr. Sketchy, hapless employee of Jam
Pony, we thought that there was no hope for the late partygoers who exit into
the streets at night. But we were
mistaken from this eyewitness account of an incident last Tuesday.
At approximately
11:43pm, an unlucky couple exiting from the local 'Crash' bar were surrounded
by a group of thugs, who demanded the wallet of the young man. "My friend and I were shocked to see
the group of desperate criminals surrounding us, and as my lady friend tried to
engage the leader in conversation I saw that it wasn't working so I swung a
mean left hook but there were just too many of them, they beat me down and I
fell to the ground after throwing a few devastating punches. The young woman with me, who doesn't want to
reveal her name, saw that I went down and as I dropped into the oblivion of
unconsciousness she tried to fend them off. When I awoke a minute later I saw her standing over the body of one of
the attackers, and that's when I saw him"
"Him?"
"This dark man who
jumped up at the last standing gang member and kicked him fiercely in the
head. With only a quick look back he
ran off and then he was gone"
"And what was your
lady friend doing at this time?"
"Cowering, most
probably at the power of our Street Superman...that's what I've chosen to call
him, you know!"
"Thank you Mr.
Sketchy"
"Oh, I would just
like to add that I am single and you can call me at 6..."
There have been linked
reports about a 'mysterious man' entering the rooms of government officials
shortly before their strange deaths. Whether he is in fact a mystery assassin or a 'street superman' we
cannot speculate, but this urban legend in the making's image certainly is that
of hope and we here at the 'Streets' would like to see more on this. However,
there are mixed feelings on the sudden appearance of another 'unknown factor'
in Seattle.
We spoke to Mr. Bowen of
the Seattle 'gang control' department. He told us of the risks of trusting a stranger to enforce the law. "This new man on the streets may look like
another guy trying to do a good deed but there are many radicals out there who
inflict more damage then they intend. This 'mystery man' could be a part of another group of people who
believe in getting rid of other gangs using violent methods. The sector police are well briefed on the
kind of people who wonder around at night and we are trying to crack down on
them.
The reports I've
received suggest that this new 'street superman' has been out and 'cracking
down' on the local gangs more then the sector police have. What's more, the people of Seattle have been
complaining that there are no cops out there on the streets at night.
"This 'street
superman' is just the latest of a long line of wannabe heroes. The sector police haven't been in the papers
as much because the work they do is expected and not regarded as newsworthy
material. And I would like to stop
these continuing rumors that there are no sector police on patrol at
night. There are over fifty men and
women putting their lives on the line every night. They are there."
Impounding vehicles
illegally according to many outraged citizens!
"We have corrected
this problem, which I may add was not 'overlooked' by the heads of the sector
police"
I see. Do you have a closing statement?
"Yes. This new superhero may seem like a blessing
but you have to be wary of him being a possible radical, someone who will go to
lengths to rid Seattle of thugs. The
sector police are going to step up their anti-gang campaign in the mean
time."
Is this Street Superman
someone to be trusted, or is he just another member of another gang? Somehow, this reporter believes that we
haven't heard the last of this new hero.
SEATTLE RESIDENTS WARNED AGAINST DRINKING WATER
By Shnapzie
After routine testing
procedures, the Seattle Water Board made the announcement that the city's
supply of culinary water is unsafe for drinking. As of this printing, the agent
causing the safety hazard is unknown. A safety warning has been issued warning
residents that until the matter is resolved, ingestion of tap water is firmly
advised against. If you are experiencing any unusual symptoms, check yourself
into a medical center as soon as possible.
Need something to drink?
Don't go to the sink!
So what do you do
When thirst gets to you?
Alcohol! What did you
think?
LOCAL BUSINESSMAN'S DEATH A MYSTERY
By Preciousjax
Jonas Cale, the
successful businessman and CEO of Cale Industries, was found dead in his home
Thursday afternoon. He was killed by several gunshot wounds to the chest,
though the circumstances of the shooting remain a puzzle to the Seattle Police
Department. A source inside the investigation told the Streets of Seattle that
they believe that the shots were fired from outside the window of Cale's
office, though they are unsure of how this happened, since the
office is on the second
floor of the large home that Cale resided in with his wife, Margot, who was not
at the residence at the time of the shooting. She was not available for
comment, and though her whereabouts during the time are not known, the SPD do not consider her to be
connected with the murder.
It has been determined
that Cale was not alone that afternoon. Gilbert Neal is wanted for questioning
in the events surrounding the shooting. Anyone with information should contact
the SPD at 254-798-541-234-897 and ask for Detective Robison.
See Obituary on page B3
for more information.
ANIMALS STOLEN FROM PETTING ZOO
By Preciousjax
Officials at the Mandy
Moore Memorial Petting Zoo where horrified this morning to find three empty
cages. Three cages that used to hold the zoo's prized ostriches. And this is
not the first time that various species of animals have been stolen from this
particular zoo. Just last week, 17 snakes were stolen for what was once assumed
to be skinning purposes. Now it appears to be a serial snatcher. Officials do
not know why they are targeting The Mandy Moore petting zoo, whether it is
former disgruntled fans of the pop star from the turn of the century, or just
random people who are starting their own petting zoo.
The Mandy Moore Petting
Zoo was started in 2013 after the stars tragic death. She was thrown from a
horse while shooting the music video for the first single off her seventh
album, entitle Buzz, which received six posthumous Grammies. It was rumored
before Moore's death that she had been in and out of alcohol rehabilitation,
but could not seem to let go of the Mike's Hard Lemonade addiction.
A teary eyed Nicholas
Roberts, head zoologist at the Moore Zoo, emotionally pleaded for the safe
return of his ostriches. He insists that he wont press any charges if they come
home safely.
So you wonder what's new
In the petting zoo
Losing the snakes was
depressing
But even more
distressing
Someone stole the
ostriches but left the poo.
OUTDOOR FESTIVAL TURNS INTO MASS RIOT
By Jox5
When the world ended,
peoples' tempers started running short. People blow up over silly things, but
nothing compares to yesterdays street performers festival.
It started out just like
any other fair. People lost money to
rigged games, jugglers entertained little kids, stale popcorn was sold at every
corner. Then for no reason all hell broke lose. Witnesses say it all started at
the fortunetellers booth. A girl with dark curly hair went in the get her palm
read, and next thing you know she was ripping down the booth. Police tried to
stop her but she took them down without breaking a sweat. From there it
snowballed until every booth, tent, and ice cream stand had been burned to the
ground.
The only person who was
hurt was the fortune teller, who can't remember anything about what she said to
the girl. The girl with the curly hair got away and police are still looking
for her even though there are a estimated 2000 people in Seattle who fit her
description.
DON'T BE A LITTERBUG…. ' CAUSE EVERY LITTER BIT HURTS
By Daf9
21st century Seattle
vigilantes have given an old slogan from the late 20th century new meaning.
Irate residents in Sector 4 have gotten tired of picking beer bottles out of
their gardenias and empty boxes of chewable valium tablets out of their
forsythias. Taking matters into their own hands they are ensuring that
littering really DOES hurt...the litterer that is.
It all started about six
months ago with residents imposing escalating fines for littering (payable
immediately). To ensure compliance the resident who first noticed the finable
offence would place a "boot" on the offender. The "boot"
consisted of a 200 lb concrete block that would be chained to the offender's
leg and not removed until the offender paid his fine to the judge who would
patrol the streets of Sector 4 three or four times daily. However this form of
punishment was quite unpopular with the residents who resented tripping over
moaning and groaning litterbugs at all hours of the day and night. After a
referendum on the issue Sector 4 started shipping litterers off to Langford
prison but that didn't last too long either as prison officials complained to
the military authorities. The electric chair proved too unreliable due to the
inopportune brownouts. Recently, residents seem to have hit on a rather drastic
but highly effective solution: the guillotine. Resurrected from 18th century
France the modern day guillotine has not only solved the littering problem but
has also proved to be a huge tourist attraction. As an additional unexpected
bonus, guillotining of litter bugs has also sparked a growing trash barrel
industry in Sector 4. Residents in other Sectors are reportedly considering
adopting this highly lucrative solution to the litter problem.
If you throw litter in
the grass
Sector 4 residents will
be on your @ss
They'll tie your hands
and shackle your feet
Before they drag you
down the street
Where you will be
guillotined, alas!
COFFEE CRISIS GRIPS SEATTLE
By Preciousjax
Yesterday, coffee loves
of Seattle suffered a near fatal blow today when Starbucks released a statement
confirming rumors that prices would be rising for the first time in two years.
Starbucks became the only venue with a license to sell coffee after other
café's couldn't compete with there, believe it or not, low prices.
The price for a small
cup of regular coffee was raised from $3.25 to $4.95 (tax not included). Former
stand up comedian and new Starbucks president Lewis Black stated that the price
hike was necessary due to the inflation of shipping prices.
The first effects of the
increase could be seen in our very own Streets of Seattle offices. Grown men
were reduced to tears. A frantic mother had to talk her daughter, Chief
Financial Officer Logan's Babe, off the roof after she went through
particularly bad withdraw and threatened suicide. In other cases, Seattle
Police Department negotiators had their work cut out for them when a man took
one of the many Starbucks venues, and all the patrons inside who could still
afford coffee, hostage. He demanded a double mocha latte, hold the cream, extra
nutmeg. After a shaky bartended gave him his requested drink, he left
willingly, and no one was hurt. Police apprehended him later that morning as he
tried to get his girlfriend a low fat cappuccino in a Starbucks across town.
Prices aren't supposed
to drop any time in the future. In fact, if Miss Cleo was correct, then we
could be expected to pay anywhere up to a dollar an ounce by the end of the
summer. But they say Miss Cleo was just an actor. So, we'll just see what fate
has in store for us coffee fans.
Some ask why this could
have such a profound affect on our society. Obviously, they don't know what
caffeine is. Caffeine is an alkaloid, among it being other substances such as
theophylline, and theobromine. They can be found in various plants and nuts,
such as cola nuts, and drinks such as coffee and tea. Alkaloids have several
effects on our bodies, more specifically the brain. Caffeine stimulates the
central nervous system and delays fatigue. This explains the thousands of city
workers that fell asleep on the job and almost brought the city to a stand
still.
Several organizations
are already speaking of protests and boycotts. We, at the Streets of Seattle, will keep you posted on this
developing crisis.
Caffeine, my caffeine
Oh where have you bean
At $5.00 a cup
I can never wake up
So now we will meet in
my dreams.
ALTERNATIVES TO COFFEE
By Preciousjax
For most of us average
citizens, $5 a cup is just too rich for our blood. So what ways can we
supplement our caffeine addictions. Well, for one we could just stop drinking
it. Once we kick the habit, we wouldn't rely so heavily on the 'kindness' of
Lewis Black to get a fix. But, why do that when there are plenty of other
things to keep us on that pleasant little buzz that only our favorite alkaloid
could give us. Here are some (mainly) healthy alternatives.
Tea ($2.50)-
Pros: The Brits seem to
know what they are doing. Tea has always been the way they went. Now they are
the only ones who aren't being fleeced.
Cons: Stains teeth. But
so does coffee.
Coke & Pepsi ($3) ?
Pros: While more
expensive than coffee used to be, its two dollars less now.
You can almost buy two
for the price of one.
Cons: Contains 35 mg of
caffeine. Much less than coffee, so you need to drink that two to get the same
buzz as one coffee.
Jolt ($1)-
Pros: It's cheap! It's
cheap! It's cheap! Plus, it's got more than twice the caffeine levels of Coke
and Pepsi. Taste better too. Clean, fresh taste. Yep, Jolt's good.
Cons: I couldn't find
any, 'cause it's cheap!
It is in this reporter's
opinion that you all should all go out and buy Jolt. That is Jolt, J-O-L-T.
JOLT!!! Why you ask? Because the makers of Jolt are paying me with fresh coffee
beans to promote their product.
Editor's note: Please
see next week's edition for further information on handling the coffee crisis.
**********************************************
NATIONAL NEWS
PUBLISHERS CLEARING HOUSE RETURNS...WITH THE SAME OLD MESSAGE 'YOU
MIGHT BE A WINNER!'
By Weirdarchive
It was perhaps
inevitable for that bane of the mass mailing to return after five years of
reorganizing and the relaxing of the Military Censorship Codes. Publishers
Clearing House, the company that made 'You might be a winner!' a dirty catch
phrase has come back from the dead with all new magazines to subscribe, all new
items to buy, all new prizes to win...and the same old allegations of fraud.
Even before the Pulse
wiped out most of the North American magazine industry, Publishers Clearing
House was already on the ropes from the many civil suits against it due to its
flagrant abuses with the mailing service. Its offers of riches ranging from
$150,000 to $11,000,00 and up have been the subject of at least thirty state
investigations and several Congressional hearings into the business of magazine
subscriptions. While the company had tried to settle the suits by reforming its
rules (such as telling the customers in plain simple English what their chances
were in winning and that no purchase was actually necessary) and giving out
refunds, PCH continued to flaunt the laws until the Pulse fried its computer
banks and destroyed nearly all records of their clients. With the collapse of
many of the magazines such as TOWN AND COUNTRY, YAHOO INTERNET LIFE, MOVIELINE,
and TEEN and having no foreign backer to risk the capital, the company fell
into bankruptcy. With most of the remaining magazines like PLAYBOY, TIME, US
NEWS AND WORLD REPORT relying on its foreign bases for support and the
Censorship Codes restricting free speech during the Dark Months, PCH was left
idle and abandoned. Then in 2013, a multi-national corporation dealing with the
revivals of such favorite magazines as TEEN, MOVIELINE, and HOME AND GARDENS
decided on resurrecting the mass mailing beast with new rules and new prizes.
After dealing with Federal regulators and the Royal Canadian Mail Service, PCH
was reactivated in January 2018 and began printing the first mailings recently.
While the cash prizes
are still being offered, the amount has been greatly reduced. Instead of
$11,000,000, the top prize is now somewhere among $4,000,000. Other prizes
include methane generators, hydroponic gardens, a 10 year supply of batteries,
and solar powered radios. Some old favorites like PLAYBOY and TIME are being
offered, but for now most of the periodicals offered are based on local tastes
and regions such as Spanish language magazines in the Northwest and undisputed
counties of Texas and Florida and Japanese newspapers here in Seattle and
Portland. Items on sale include the usual battery operated clocks, coin
sorters, and gag magnets. There are also some notables such as fast growing
vegetables and old public domain VHS movies. By year's end, Publishers Clearing
hopes to have 15 million subscribers.
Of course, PCH's return
has not been well received by those families burned by the high promises of
wealth in exchange for a subscription to a needless magazine. PostMaster
General Vicki Masters has promised no one will receive a mailing that doesn't
ask for it. Already, there are about 45,000 requests to be taken off PCH's
mailing lists. This surge is however offset by the some 250,000 requests for
more mailings. Said one unnamed person, "Hey, you can't beat free
kindling."
LEGAL DRINKING AGE ELIMINATED
By Dark_Fairy__
Kids have always tried
to drink alcohol while below the minimum legal age. Before the pulse, it was
21. It was then lowered to 18 after the pulse. Now there isn't any at all.
Great news right? Wrong!
Children have been going into bars, getting drinks, and starting havoc. Interesting to watch, but
its sad that some have actually died.
Age isn't important
anymore, to kids, getting money for alcohol is. Female children are going into prostitution, some are stealing,
and some are just spending their money
instead of buying nutritional food to eat.
This is a sad story of
Robbie Putter.
Robbie Putter, just as
careless as the others. He and his friend stroll into a local bar for their
evening drinks. Robbie is 12, working at South Market with his father. Children
have been working South Market for decades, hoping to earn another buck.
Robbie and his friends
had a few extra bucks, after the hard work they put in that day. They eventually got drunk, the bar waitresses told
me that they created much havoc, and they were kicked out of the bar. They were
robbed by street jackers, and eventually Robbie attempted to walk home, the
streets near the waterfront.
In a drunken rage over
being robbed, inflamed by the moonlight hitting the water, he went for a
swim. He drowned. His body was washed
up earlier this week, and has been sent to be buried.
The legal drinking age
is gone, and unless you and or you want your children to follow in young Robbie's footsteps, phone our contact line, we
are going to get the age back where it should be.
Contact Line:
1-(441)-729-543
*Note*: No one was
harmed in the making of this article, and the author who wrote this, was probably just lying. The
Drinking Line number is fake. This author has clearly lied to get a pay check.
REPUBLIC OF ALASKA, RUSSIA, CANADA IN BERING STRAIT PACT WAR
GAMES. AMERICA PROTESTS!
By Weirdarchive
The tensions between the
US and the rogue state known as the Republic of Alaska have not been helped by
the announcement of war games between the Republic, Russia and Canada, which
are to be held in the frozen wastes of Siberia later in early September. The
acting US Ambassador to the UN filed a protest on the floor of the General
Assembly in Toronto, voicing outrage over Alaskan President 'Governor' William
Hodges insistence on stronger military ties with its partner nations. "The
man is completely mad!" ,bellowed Trish Yearling to the Assembly members. "He
has repeatedly threatened to attack US shipping and citizens because of our
continuing opposition of his rule and our desire to reclaim that state which is
rightfully a part of the United States. To continue supporting this terrorist
is flirting with all out war!" The declaration was met with little regard
or acknowledgement from either the Assembly or the countries involved. The war
games involved tactics used by the US in the abortive recapture of Alaska
during 2013. The tactics involved included the infamous Battles of Fairbanks
and Juneau and the harassment raids made by National Guard units loyal to the
Federal Government based in Nome from 2012 to 2015. Canada is to provide
support units only while Russia and Alaska send in their own troops in mock
battles. Rumors also have the Chinese participating as observers.
The three countries are
allied in a loose military pact similar to NATO. This alliance, known as the
Bering Strait Pact, comprises of the Republic of Alaska, the Russian
Federation, Canada, Japan, the Republic of Korea, and the United Kingdom. While
there is no 'One Attack' policy (which an attack on one member is perceived as
an attack on all members), it's generally accepted that any US action against
the Republic would have consequences from its Bering Pact partners. Canada and
the UK have gone on record wishing no provocative movements be made to or from
the US and Alaska in the interest of peace in North America. Russia and Korea,
on the other hand, have expressed their intent on defending their ally even
with the use of nuclear and biological weapons if the need arises. Japan has
suggested a neutral mediator, such as France or Panama, and a suspension of the
games to help defuse the situation. So far, there has been no word on whether
the games will continue as planned. President Barrows has yet to announce
whether he'll consider diplomatic measures against the Bering Pact members,
though a military solution is highly unlikely.
Before leaving for the
games, commander of the Alaskan Republic Air Home Guard 'Rocking' Billy Phillip
Hayes inspected the troops in Nome. Among them were the elite 'Elvis Squadron'
(named after Hayes' previous occupation as head of the Alaskan Chapter of The
Flying Elvises), the sailors of the Alaskan Republic attack sub LUCKY BUZZARD
(christened after the martyred ex-US Navy sub commander Niles 'Lucky Buzzard'
Higgins who led the attack fleet against the hastily assembled US flotilla
attempting to raid the Alexander Archipelago and later died in Nome), and
'Governor' Hodges own Alaskan Ice Cube Eaters Corp. Wearing his ceremonial
uniform, a mix of Elvis in his Vegas years and John Wayne, Commander Hayes gave
out the Order of Fairbanks to ten members of the Elvis Squadron for their help
in rescuing a stranded Russian fishing boat which was beached off the Arctic
Coastal Plain. "Y'all a fine bunch of men." ,he declared. "The
Governor loves ya. The King would've loved ya. I love ya. No man has ever had
such love and loyalty here except maybe in Graceland. Thank you. Thank you very
much." He then gave his battle cry "Viva Alaska!" and boarded
his plane. Shortly after take-off, the Elvis Squadron followed as escort with
Russian transport planes taking the Alaskan troops to the war games.
**********************************************
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Don't miss this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.
Apply now in person to 569B Front Street. Ask for Leopold.
**********************************************
EDITORIAL
THE TRUTH ISN'T OUT THERE
by Samcrazy
Television was a major
part of life before the Pulse, and the tradition of sitting in front of the TV
all day with a bag of potato chips is once again becoming America's number one
past time. However, we have discovered
that television has had an adverse effect on the adults of modern day Seattle;
one program in particular has seemingly warped the way they think.
This reporter is
referring to the supernatural show called the 'X-Files', which featured two
federal agents seeking out conspiracies. Throughout the series there were a few different species of
extraterrestrial life that appeared on our screens and from startling reports
compiled by the human welfare commission they have found cases where the
fictional world of the X-Files has been mistaken for reality.
This reporter went out
in search of such twisted individuals, and after talking to a few people off
the street we heard of one who lives in a small apartment towards the east of
Seattle's center. He is only known as 'The Alien Man'.
As we proceeded up the
block of apartments to the fifth floor, we discovered that the area was almost
deserted except for one door that was slightly ajar. After knocking a small man with disheveled brown hair peeked
around. He motioned us in, and we
observed that the room was small, and very dark. On the walls there were cuttings from the 'Streets of Seattle'
from various articles about strange goings-on, but there were mainly photos of
different scenes. I decided to inquire
about these later.
"Hello sir, we're
from the Streets of Seattle, may we have a moment to..."
"Quiet! They're listening you know..."
"Who are
listening?"
"The people..."
"The people? Please elaborate"
"Mulder's with them
you know...he's a brave guy..."
"Right. Can you explain your fascination with the
X-Files?"
"The documentaries
off the TV opened my eyes...the strange people caused the Pulse you know? They brought ships..."
"The
documentaries? You are referring to the
television show 'The X-Files?"
At this point the 'Alien
Man' looked at this reporter in a very strange way, but he proceeded to show us
pictures he had taken of alien sightings.
He showed us a picture
of a tree on a hill in winter. We inquired
as to why this was strange.
"It's green...can't
you see...in the middle of winter...something has touched this tree you
know...it warned me of this in the documentary..."
"I believe that
that tree is an evergreen."
He paused and put it
back on the wall. He pulled down
another, which to this reporter's disgust was of a cow giving birth.
"Look! Look! It's got two heads! It's a new
breed of alien cow..."
"That cow is giving
birth, you've taken a picture of it when the calf was coming out the mothers
womb!"
The 'Alien man' seemed
disheartened, and puts that picture back. He looks over at the window, and pulls out binoculars. He doesn't say a word so this reporter assumed
that he was done with us.
We researched into other
cases of people who have confused X-Files with the world around us, and to our
surprise we discovered that there was a foundation called 'The Truth is out
there! Help us to Find it!'
We joined the group for
a seminar, and took down notes on what the 'anonymous' speaker said.
"We need to embrace
the future! Embrace the aliens, you
know when I say aliens I mean weird people who walk among us! We know Mulder and Scully were heroes, they
were right to uncover those people around us but we have to accept that we are
no longer alone! The only things we
have to watch out for are fellow humans using alien devices as a source for
evil. Like those boys who moved faster
then anyone should, and those nasty doctors who messed with Scully. Unite...unite..."
This was the main focus
of the seminar, we decided to talk to one of the directors of 'The Truth is out
there, Help us to Find it!' foundation.
He wished to have his
name withheld because he was afraid 'the suits would come and get him'.
This reporter was about
to start but the director wanted to get it over and done with.
"I just want to say
that the X-Files is reality and we are not mentally challenged or
anything. We like to raise the
awareness that people with special powers are out there and they do walk among
us. Scully and Mulder are real and this
whole crap about the X-Files being fake is just lies made up by the
government!"
We got no more from the
director, so we moved on.
This reporter has been
concentrating on one extreme of this problem, lovingly called 'Foxitis', so we
went out and talked to a few people off the streets to see how confused they
really are.
"TV show? The X-Files was fact wasn't it?"
"The X-Files? That show messed me up bad! I thought that people like that were real for
a long time, it spooked me"
"They were real,
weren't they?"
"I try not to go out
much in case I get abducted"
"Mulder...he was
gorgeous. I was really worried every
time he got involved in one of them weird people...yeah; he came close to death
loads of times. I look out for his
sister, you know, in case she comes back"
Can a television show
really mess people up this badly? Or
have these people convinced themselves that the X-Files is fact? This reporter
chooses not to think too deeply about Foxitis otherwise she may burst out in
hysterical laughter.
LETTERS TO THE EDITOR
Dear Editor,
Can I just say that I am
VERY disappointed with the recent actions of the SOS reporters. I had so much
respect for you, I don't know how I can read the paper now without wondering
what scandal occurred while writing it. Oh, and I wondered if the wonderful
DAF9 is single.
From a fan of DAF9 and a
regular Streets reader,
Ronald McDonald
Dear Editor,
Yak slime, yak slime
Your essence is sublime
Your odor is fantastic
Your texture elastic
And you come in
strawberry or lime
**********************************************
FEATURES
DREAMING ABOUT ME?
By legend10013
"Am I dreaming? I
got paid!! Woo hoo!!" That's what I said yesterday when I saw my check from
the "Streets of Seattle".
Since I frivolously
squandered my brand new refund and paycheck on cookies ..I now need money
again. I'm back here hoping to help you and get paid. So keep reading my
articles or just send in your donations to my cookie fund. No need for money
just cookies will do!
Send in your donation to
the following address...
(edited...)
(tummy grumbles)
Alright now lets check
out mail bag to see who needs help...I meant need my help.
Here we go...our first
e-mail is from...
"I dreaming of tiny
mice biting me and eating all my food. What does it mean?"
-Shara@owmom.com-
"Well, Shara if you
are a mother of several children I can say this is not an uncommon theme. You
subconsciously feel that your children are slowly eating away at who you were
as a person. I suggest that you make the father of the children take care of
the kids for a week while you go of to a spa vacation. Pamper yourself.
Reconnect with who you were and who you want to be. If you have no children then I suggest getting
an exterminator."
-legend10013
"Look I hate you
and your stupid column. Did I tell you that you ruined my marriage? Anyway I
just wanted to know what my dream means?"
-Brad@in.com-
"Okay, if you are
dreaming I ruined your marriage I can tell you that you suffer from insecurity about yourself. You need to believe in
your S.O. more and yourself. Stand in front of the mirror and say "I
believe in myself" fifty times then afterwards say "I'm almost as
good as legend" a hundred times. There now don't you feel better? I know I
do!"
-legend10013-
"I dream of myself
and my loved ones being abducted and having experiments done by aliens. The
work I'm involved in deals with such things. I think a friend of mine is
carrying an alien child...am I going insane? Is the truth out there? Help
me!"
FM@fbixf.com
"Is that you again
Fox? Well, I told you already that there are no such things as aliens and that
your "friend" is fine. Look, take responsibility for what happened
between you and your "partner" and look after your kid. You give men
a bad rap ...blaming aliens."
-legend10013-
"I don't dream what
does it mean?"
-writer@da.com-
"Well, that could
only mean you aren't getting enough sleep and eventually it will impact you
work. I hope you aren't working in a field that requires creativity. Get some
sleep and let me know how it works."
In Sector 4 by the
church tower clock
A great- great-grandson
of Sacher von Masoch
Dreams of losing his
head
From the litter he
spread
As he dances on the
guillotine block
ARE
MULLETS TOO HIGH A PRICE TO PAY FOR SHORT HAIR?
By Qmontgomery
Many
Say "YES"
In
recent weeks, there has been a growing concern regarding the large number of
bad haircuts sported by Seattle citizens.
Last
week one of our own, DAF9, questioned this new style:
"Here
at Streets of Seattle we have noticed a disturbing phenomenon the past several
months. In two words...bad haircuts. Seattle men used to sport some very
attractive 'dos but recently they have all grown long shaggy hair and appear to
be in a perpetual state of "bad hair day." What is with that?"
DAF's
article caused officials to become concerned that this unattractive trend would
lower the morale of Seattle residents. Plans were made for free haircut days,
razor distribution, and grooming seminars, but last week's Twister disaster
resulted in numerous cash-draining lawsuits against the city.
Out
of ideas and faced with governing a city full of ugly men, officials Turned to
an unlikely source: The Flowbie.
People
of Generation Failure (formerly Generation X), will probably remember Flowbies
quite clearly. Featured in a 1990s-era infomercial, the Flowbie promised
"quick and easy haircuts for a fraction of the price," with
"perfect results every time, right in your very own home."
The
Flowbie's underwhelming sales caused leftover units to crowd dozens of
warehouses, where they remained until last week when Sector Police began
distributing the gadget to hairy men.
However,
a few days after the Flowbies were handed out, there was no noticeable
improvement in men's hairstyles.
Hairstylist
Dale Tutko supplied an explanation: "People in the 90's associated the
Flowbie with mullet-style haircuts, it's as simple as that. Time just does not
erase those kinds of memories. Nobody wants a mullet."
When
asked if it was possible to create an attractive haircut using a Flowbie, Tutko
ventured that it is "possible.....but NOT probable."
At
a recent State Legislature meeting, it was decided in a vote of 27-1 that
short, self-cut, scraggly hair is far better than long shaggy hair.
Unfortunately, out-of-control weapon laws require a fourteen day waiting period
as part of the Scissor/Knife registration process. Because of this, a
traditional haircut is far too expensive for most people.
So
with all other options used up, may we at Streets of Seattle offer a
suggestion: cut your hair with a butter knife. Please!.
HOW TO PASS AS A CANADIAN PART IV
By Daf9
This is the final
installment in our "How to Pass as a Canadian" series. You probably
thought you knew everything you needed to know after carefully reading and
memorizing our previous articles...and you do; almost. Today's article should
really be titled "How Not to Give Yourself Away as an American".
Those guys on the horses in the bright red uniforms are getting clever. They
know you are out there and they have started setting traps to catch you.
Below we have listed
several examples of how the RCMP attempted to make unsuspecting illegal
immigrants reveal their American origins and how those individuals cunningly
evaded the trap.
1. One poor bloke who
wishes to remain nameless reported that he was in a movie theatre in Frobisher
Bay when a beautiful blonde sidled up to him, leaned over and whispered in his
ear "Who did you vote for for the Senate?". His response to this was
to throw his popcorn in the air and scream "Get away from me, you
pervert!" Needless to say; he is still enjoying balmy -40°C weather.
2. A young woman in
Kapuskasing was in her backyard valiantly weeding her tomatoes when an
undercover cop approached offering to sell her a semi-automatic handgun. Just
as she was reaching for it she remembered her lessons and quickly turned her
gesture into making her arms in the shape of a cross as if to ward off evil.
The cop apologized and left.
3. One quick-witted
senior citizen in Missisauga was almost trapped when in the middle of his MRI a
man wearing medical scrubs and a name-tag reading David Sittler, asked him to
recite the Pledge of Allegiance. Fortunately he was prepared. After reciting
the pledge perfectly he casually mentioned that as an avid fan of Captain
Kangaroo he had known the words to "I pledge allegiance to the flag of the
United States of America" long before he knew the Canadian National Anthem.
He then asked the phony doctor if he was a relative of his favorite ex-Toronto
Maple Leaf, Darryl Sitler.
4. When shown a
photograph of the Statue of Liberty a Wawa teenager, after correctly
identifying the structure, responded to a surreptitious nudge from his mother
by adding "I just LOVED Charleton Heston in that original Planet of the
Apes movie!"
So there you have it
readers. If you are going to make a break for the True North be prepared and
stay alert.
HAIKU
By Cherokee128
Cherokee
Sunset
A flame bursting from the sky
A wise graceful beast
HOW TO SURVIVE THE POST-PULSE DEPRESSION TIP OF THE DAY
By Shnapzie
It's normal to hate your
life! It's okay to hate your job! It's expected of you to contemplate
suicide...WAIT! WAIT! GET BACK HERE! I WASN'T GIVING YOU PERMISSION! All right,
it looks like we need to play a little game of "It could be worse."
*Politicians, imagine
that the highest position you hold is president of the PTA.
*CEOs, what if the only
advertising your business got was some idiot in a fluorescent ape costume
dancing around in front of your building?
*Gang members, picture
yourself as a member of one of your rival gangs.
*Hospital personnel, if
you worked anywhere else, you couldn't pilfer black market drugs with such
ease.
*Squatters, what if the
sector police were actually honest?
*Homeless people...well,
you've pretty much hit the bottom. I don't really think it could be worse for
you. But imagine this: what if trash wasn't flammable?? Huh? Huh? Wouldn't that
be worse?
So your life is
complicated
By the folks to whom
you're related?
Read Shnapzie's piece
Your depression will
cease
Pollyanna was grossly
underrated.
**********************************************
NEIGHBORHOOD
WITH ENOUGH SALAD FORKS
By Daf9
Back in the early 1980s
the American President told the American people in all seriousness that with
enough shovels we could survive a nuclear holocaust by each digging a hole in
the ground and burying ourselves under a foot or so of dirt. With the lack of
affordable housing in Seattle reaching crisis proportions we here at Streets of
Seattle are calling for our readers to come up with similarly inventive
solutions.
Apart from squatting in
abandoned warehouse or apartment buildings, department store displays, old
automobiles, chicken coops and doghouses, many people are going in with 35 or
40 friends and renting self-storage lockers. After all, why would it be called
self-storage if it wasn't intended that you store yourself there? While small, self-storage lockers
have no windows and so do not accumulate dust and grime as a more conventional
dwelling might. Moreover they don't have "no pet" clauses. And while
you may have to sleep standing up, it's really no different than living in a
Manhattan apartment before the Pulse. For those of you who are more loner
types, you can put together a small dwelling under your desk at work or at the
public library. If you are uncertain as to how to go about this watch the old
Jerry Seinfeld episode in which George Costanza did this very thing.
But let's face it;
choosing to live in a pre-existing structure is for the unimaginative! The
really enterprising Seattle resident is creating his own dwelling.
This reporter for
example has taken to eating two chocolate cream filled donuts EVERY morning
with her coffee in order to save the small wax paper wrappers to build her very
own condo. One wealthy neighbor down the street from the SOS offices used the
plastic tub from a party-size potato salad from KFC to make a hot tub that was
placed in the guest house that was itself constructed from old SOS newspapers
that had been mixed with water and glue and molded into an appropriate shape.
Taking careful note of
former President Reagan's solution to surviving nuclear winter, one
enterprising young man and his sister went looking for a shovel figuring they
would dig themselves a cave in the dirt pile left behind in an old construction
site. Of course due to the shovel shortage also plaguing Seattle, they were
forced to use salad forks. It's taken them almost seven years but they now
report that their cave is nearly ready for occupancy.
Another possibility is
to circumvent the need for housing altogether by living exclusively on Jolt and
No-doz.
These are but a few of
many housing alternatives created by SOS employees, their friends and
relatives. We would like to hear from you, our readers, as to how YOU solved
your residence requirements.
OBITIUARY: JONAS CALE (1953-2020)
By Preciousjax
Jonas Cale, 67, died
April 14th in his home outside Seattle.
He was born October 3rd,
1953 to parents Richard and Caroline Cale in San Francisco, CA. He was a long
time San Francisco resident, until 1975 when Cale Industries opened in Seattle.
He took over as chairman and CEO of Cale Industries after the death of his
older brother, Joshua. On December 28th, 1989 he married Margot Winston,
daughter of former senator Charles Winston.
Survivors include: Wife,
Margot; one brother, David; one son, Bennett and wife
Mary Anne; one daughter,
Amelia and her husband Jack; two nephews, David
Jr. and Logan; a
grandson, Noah and a granddaughter Claire.
He was preceded in death
by his parents and brother Joshua.
Vigil services are being
held at Grace Funeral Chapel, 847 York St., at
6:30-9:00 PM on Monday
night. Funeral mass will be at 10:30 on Tuesday morning being presided over by
Rev. John Sikes.
LOGANS_BABE WINS AN
AWARD
By Daf9
Streets of Seattle
learned today that our own Chief Financial Officer (at least for the time
being) won an award for the Most Scandalous Autobiography EVER published.
Second place went to former President Bill Clinton.
Presumably
hoping to preserve her job and her reputation, Logans_Babe published her
autobiography under a pseudonym. Unfortunately for her, several of her irate
relatives recognized her style and revealed her identity to Streets of Seattle.
We
hesitate to publish the more scurrilous details of Logans_Babe's life story as
we don't wish to be liable for inducing cardiac arrest in our more sensitive
readers. For those who are stout-hearted and not easily shocked go to www.OMG.com.
WEATHER
By Daf9
Weathermen everywhere
are scratching their heads. Doppler 5, the most sophisticated weather forecast
radar in existence today, Mrs. Moreno in Fogle Towers whose predictions her
apartment neighbors have sworn by for years AND the Farmer's Almanac all agree.
Seattle is expecting 7 days of CONTINUOUS sunshine. Not partial sunshine, not
mostly cloudy, not hazy but 100% sunshine. The world may be coming to an end.
**********************************************
CLASSIFIEDS
Ostrich burgers: Not
only are they a great beef substitute, they are fresh and pre molded into
patties. Please Call Jessica Simpson at 798-65-474-9874 if interested in
purchases a case. Snakeskin pants, all sizes available also still in stock.
FOR SALE: Large
collection of whips and chains. Several pairs of handcuffs included. Excellent
condition. $50 for set.
