STREETS OF SEATTLE

STREETS OF SEATTLE

(date withheld), 2019

http://pages.prodigy.net/jennem

To our readers: The stories appearing in today's STREETS OF SEATTLE have been cleared by the U.S. Army under the provisions of the Martial Law Declaration of 2009 and the National Emergency Declaration of 2010.

Editor in Chief: Jennem1

Senior Editor: Daf9

Managing Editor: Samcrazy

Chief Reporter: Weirdarchive

Chief Financial Officer: Logans_Babe

Entertainment Editor: Jox5

Politics Editor: Preciousjax

Contributing Reporter: Legend10013

Contributing Reporter: April (X5422)

Contributing Reporter: Codthecell2

Contributing Reporter: Cherokee128

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LOCAL NEWS

HOVERDRONE SCAM REVEALED BY EYES ONLY, CALE TRUST CONFISCATED

By Samcrazy

In an astonishing chain of events, the biggest industry in Seattle and most of the US today was grounded after Eyes Only blew the whistle on a scam that had been going on for some time. The Hoverdrones that patrol the city have been being used to murder certain ex-convicts, clearing up a mystery that has been plaguing our city for a long while. The report has meant repercussions for some of the benefactors of the hoverdrone project, one in particular: Mr. Logan Cale. The immense Cale trust was passed onto Mr. Cale from Mr. Jonas Cale, Mr. Cale's uncle.

Mr. Jonas was a joint partner in the running of the Hoverdrones, and after his shocking disappearance his two partners fled the country. The Cale trust was confiscated after Eyes Only made the hack.

In a close-up we looked at the chain of murders using sources in the police department. We discovered that there had been six unsolved homicides of recent parolees. The police department had not at the time released a statement about the homicides, and still has not after the Eyes Only broadcast. There are still the unanswered questions about why these ex-cons had been targeted by killer hoverdrones, and who was in charge of programming the robots to hunt and destroy. There is a lot of speculation that Mr. Jonas Cale's so far unnamed partners may have had more information on the killer Hoverdrones, but as Mr. Jonas Cale is so far missing we can not chase up these rumors.

This reporter arranged an interview exclusively for the 'Streets of Seattle' with Mr. Logan Cale about the recent turn of events.

"Thank you for your time, Mr. Cale. We would first like to clear up the startling rumors that you were involved in your Uncle's 'killer Hoverdrone' business. Are they true?"

"No, they are not. Both Jonas and I had no idea that the Hoverdrones were being used as devices for murdering parolees. I first learned of it after the Eyes Only broadcast"

"And how did you react after the mysterious Eyes Only broke what looked to be a continuous flow of income for you and your family?"

"I was, of course, very disappointed and shocked at the news, but on reflection I find that the truth had to be told. Otherwise these killer Hoverdrones may still be flying around, killing what look to be newly rehabilitated men."

"Many people are responding to the Hoverdrone scam as being a good way to keep these ex-criminals off the streets and from doing anymore damage. How do you feel about that?"

"Well, I cannot say that I am happy or even pleased about these faulty machines killing these men who have done their time in jail. Those men had done their time and whether or not they had learned from their experiences in prison we shall never know. They may have been ready to give back to the community, but we'll never know."

"You mentioned that you believed that these Hoverdrones were 'faulty'. The Hoverdrones are said to be very complex machines with failsafes to stop this from happening, surely they have been programmed?"

"I'm afraid that I don't know."

"Thank you"

Killer Hoverdrones? What's next? Be careful out there on the streets.

MYSTERY DISEASE TURNS OUT TO BE URBAN MYTH

By Samcrazy

The people of Seattle were in a state of panic for the last few days after rumors that a deadly disease had broken out in the city. But after the medical authorities jumped in to solve this said epidemic, there was found to be no signs. The subject was dropped, but this reporter has been given the assignment to track down the source of this myth.

We talked to Mr. Sivapathasundaram, who first reported the disease.

"I was visiting a recent investment possibility of mine, Jam Pony, and panicking young man rushed up to me. He told me that a disease was spreading through the company, and he quickly wrestled me into the office. He blocked the lower part of the door so that the infection would not reach us. After we stopped panicking, he found an exit and then he was struck down with the disease. I got into the car and didn't look back"

And you saw some of the employees of Jam Pony suffering with the disease?

"Oh yes, we were approached by several young peoples who had green blemishes on their faces, oh and then the young man who got us out of the building came down with it."

Mr. Sivapathasundaram gave us a description of the disease, putting emphasis on the facial symptoms.

We talked to an old Jam Pony source, Mr. Sketchy, currently recovering from a recent head trauma (see Food Fight, section B1). He explained that he was busy, and only told us that he had no idea what Mr. Sivapathasundaram was going on about. The other employees of Jam Pony were unwilling to comment, although the manager, Normal, did say that he was not aware of any 'disease' floating around Jam Pony

So we seemed to tracked down the source of the myth, but due to a lack of comprehendible evidence we can only draw the conclusion that rumors came become real if you are hysterical enough to believe them.

So we here at the 'Streets' say; don't believe everything you hear, but believe everything you read, namely everything you read in this paper.

ELECTRONIC TAGGING: EMPLOYEES ON A LEAD

By Samcrazy

In the world of today many people are falling victim to having their movements tracked by various electronic devices, whether they be Hoverdrones or the new craze, digital locators.

We here at the 'Streets' have become guinea pigs so we can try out these new under-the-skin tags to see if they do anything beside let your employer know when you are on the can or rummaging around in the office supply cupboard without permission. Our Editor-In-Chief Jennem1 equipped all the reporters, both the people who sit behind desks and the ones who go out in hunt of stories, with this new form of keeping track of rogue employees.

It requires a small Internet connection on the computer of the employer and a small injection on the arm. The chip then sits comfortably under the skin, causing only a slight red rash, which can be treated but unfortunately our Editor was unwilling to part with an extra $20 for the ointment.

We set out on our normal daily routine, which meant that a small handful of the active, on-the-street reporters left the office and a few remained behind to type up any researched articles.

As a general overview, this reporter was allowed twenty minutes every two hours in the Editor-in-Chief's office to watch the activities on the computer screen. Each reporter turned up as a little pulsating blip on a map of the immediate area, and sections within that map can be enhanced to see where exactly the roving reporters were.

9:02am-observed the CFO (Chief Financial Officer, Logans_Babe) entering the reporters lounge at an unauthorized time. Jennem1 sent down her two hand servants to shoo her out and back to the accounting office.

9:05am-noticed Jox5 driving up to the Ensign Bros Bagel Bar. The people at the shop were warned not to serve this reporter, only to show him the door.

9:11am-our Senior Reporter Daf9 was seen to enter the building, seemingly to enter into her office and to start work. However, she took a detour and sat in Jennem1's private sauna area for five minutes before being removed.

9:16am-Preciousjax was watched as she walked into the Seattle Mega Mall and purchased a cup of very expensive Starbucks coffee, not only was she wasting valuable reporting time she was found to have billed it to the company health insurance, claiming 'it was what kept her alive'.

At 9:20 this reporter went out and about to research an article about the shortage of toilet paper today and so I walked out into the street. A good half an hour passed before I felt nature calling but as soon as I entered a cubical Will, Jennem1's foot massager entered the restroom to remove me. Fortunately he waited until I was finished.

For the remainder of the hour and forty minutes this reporter refrained from entering any shop that would waste company work time. Instead she talked to another employee of a company called 'Plastic co' which makes garden chairs. He has been tagged now for two weeks, and he tells us of his experiences with the digital locators.

"It's been a non-stop nightmare! Every time I enter the comfort station I get wrestled out by beefy employee, when I try to enter the dining room to get a sandwich a couple of minutes before break time when there's a stampede of factory workers I am thrown out by the dinner lady! It's ruined my life…they know what I do when I'm at home and all my terrible secrets!"

Well, at least he got the rash treatment.

I return to the Editor-In-Chief's office to only to interrupt her in the middle of yelling at her private busboy that he put mayo on her burger by accident. I proceed to observe the now, more wary employees of 'The Streets of Seattle'.

11:07am-Dark_Fairy_ was seen going into the company restrooms. Jennem1 quickly sorted out that problem.

11:10am-Dark_Fairy_ again tried to go to the toilet. I don't think she gets this whole 'Big Brother' idea yet.

11:13am-In an earlier attempt to get coffee Preciousjax was seen putting a whoopee cushion in the sofa in Jennem1's private lounge area. She was taken to the naughty box where she remained for ten minutes.

11:17am-Qmontgomery was tracked after straying off the predicted course that lead to one area that a pre-arranged interview. Instead he tried to stop off at an out-of-town water park that had a particular plastic elephant slide he liked. Jennem1 called the sector police in that area to escort him to his designated location, and she told them not to spare the mace.

11:20am-Dark_Fairy_ really doesn't get it. She was sent to the naughty box. Boy, it is getting crowded in there.

As this reporter now had time to research into this article, I went to the manufacturer of these digital bothers, Mr. Yammagochi

How do they work?

"Well, they use GPS, or Global Positioning System, they pick up what are like radio signals emitted from the chips. The satellite in orbit then relays the location of the said employee to the 'host computer'"

I see. How long have you been making these chips?

"For around three years now."

How did you come up with the idea?

"This is old technology, funnily enough. It was used back before the Pulse to locate parolees. I just renewed it."

Thank you, Mr. Yammagochi.

Back in Jennem1's office I enter to find her not at her desk, but down the corridor stealing supplies from Daf9's office. I again take up the role of 'Big Brother' and observe the hapless employees.

1:00pm-everyone is in the lunch hall, eating Sloppy Joes with a meat substitute. All except Legend10013 who looks to be sitting in the broom cupboard. Looks like he got lost again.

1:02pm-I was mistaken; Legend10013 was caught eating cookies and herbal gummies amongst the mops.

1:09pm-On their way out of the lunch hall, Weirdarchive and Shnapzie turned off onto the volleyball court outside. Jennem1 allowed this because it had rained yesterday and that would mean dirty great mud holes where the potholes in the court were.

1:15pm- Weirdarchive and Shnapzie were seen drying themselves off in separate restrooms.

1:19pm- Cherokee128 was watched as she sneaked into the lunch prep rooms and stole what was found to be Jennem1's private supply of ready made coffee and coffee beans. Jennem1 had been wondering where they had gone.

This reporter blew off the next time she had the opportunity to watch the SOS employees break rules because of Jennem1's withdrawal symptoms from not drinking any coffee were getting too much for me to watch.

I went to a Doctor Harold, a local expert in the field of implantation to ask if there are any ill after-effects of having an implant under the skin, and how to remove it.

"The chip is not toxic in anyway, and there are no real medical problems that arise from having one. But there are physical effects, basically from the fear of being watched every moment of everyday, the employer could watch you at night and you wouldn't have a clue. This is causing insomnia in many cases I have seen and general worried feelings that you are being watched all the time.

The quick way to remove it is to have an injection that will dissolve the implant. It is almost harmless, only causing severe rash and piles."

For the last watch of the day this reporter walked cautiously in, to see Jennem1 drinking Pepsi, Cola and Jolt all mixed together. This resulted in a very hyper mood all around and her running out of the office for the bathroom every five minutes. All the employees were just returning to the office to pack up.

7:00pm- April unfortunately had a clean record up until now when she tried to walk into the small pool out back of the building only to have flour bombs dropped on her head from a still hyper Jennem1.

7:04pm- Legend10013 tried to stop off at the 'Cookie Factory' on his way back to the office but was caught before he got in by Jennem1's back massager.

At the same time Jox5 position was given away, he was in the same car as Legend10013 and was apprehended as well.

7:08pm- PreciousJax and Cherokee128 blips were next to each other and when Jennem1 sent down her Feng Shui expert to see what was going on she was informed that they were drinking coffee from her personal stash. They were sent to the muddy volleyball court and she threw balls at them surprising accurately from her office window.

7:11pm- Qmontgomery and Weirdarchive went into the group computer room and sat there for ten minutes only when Jennem1 told me to check it out I found that Qmontgomery was being made to look at Weird's porn site, mostly based around Jennem1. I quickly erased the computer history so they wouldn't get in trouble.

7:15pm- Shnapzie's route back to the office deviated and she tried to stop off at McDonalds for a McSalad shaker. All fast-food outlets had been notified however not to serve any of the SOS team now Jennem1 knew where they went.

So the over all verdict is that these tags are annoying and has caused many of the 'Streets' team to go mental over the fact that stealing office supplies is no longer allowed.

There maybe a bit more to say but this reporter must dash off now to get the darn chip moved and to go the restroom.

FOOD FIGHT

By Jox5

Yesterday at approximately 1:00pm, the world's largest food fight broke out on South Market Street. Thousands of tomatoes and other vegetables were thrown in the five-hour melee. Riot police had to be called in to battle the people.

After much investigation, the police were finally able to identify the cause of the fight. A man known as Sketchy was sporting extremely bad fashion. He wore a green and yellow reflective Jam Pony jacket was just so ridiculous, people felt it had to be covered. In this case, covered with rotten vegetables.

Sketchy is currently in hospital suffering a head wound caused by a flying watermelon. He is expected to make a full recovery in about a week.

Now the police department is wondering who is responsible for the mess that is rotting in the streets. Enough food to feed Seattle for a week was wasted, and many people were hurt when hit by flying fruit and slipping in the slimy mess. Should the forty-eight people arrested at the scene be forced to clean up the streets as part of their community service, or should Reagan Ronald, designer of the jacket, be responsible?

Sketchy at first said he was going to sue his boss for forcing him to wear the jacket, but instead accepted settlement when Mr. Ronald signed a contract that said he will no longer say "bip bip bip"

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NATIONAL NEWS

REPUBLIC OF ALASKA'S FARMS SPROUTING OUT IN NUNAVUT!

By Weirdarchive

In an attempt to defuse the growing crisis over the Bering Strait Pact's upcoming war games, Canada revealed its latest agribusiness venture with the rogue Republic of Alaska inside the Territory of Nunavut by building the latest hydroponic gardens for the local First Nation tribes (the local name of the Canadian Indians). The hope in releasing this information is to show the American government an alternate way to resolve conflict thru economic cooperation. The press conference at the Provincial capital Iqaluit, presided over by the Premier of Nunavut and the Canadian Foreign Minister, detailed the trade agreements between the two parties and the various plans for the new farms.

The farms being built are the latest in enclosed hydroponic gardening and solar technology. The farms use a special mixture of liquid fertilizer and nutrients which feed a variety of crops designed for hydroponic use, such as potatoes, radishes, carrots, tomatoes, peanuts, corn and some wheat grains. The solar cells collect the smallest amount of light possible and fuel the inside 'sun blubs' to help the crops grow and mature, even in the worst climate. The storage batteries can maintain the blub during the darkest Winter period for about four to seven months (including emergency power cells) and the enclosures can withstand wind speeds up to Category One Hurricane force.

"We thank 'Governor' Hodges for giving us the means to be more self sufficient." ,Nunavut Premier Joseph LaForte said to a packed assembly of reporters and local Nunavutians. "The President of Alaska has always thought himself a First Nationalist in spirit and expressed his desires to make peace with his blood brothers of the tribes. This gift of farming equipment and personnel will greatly aid us and our fellow Canadians in the Winter months. Surely this man does not want war with his neighbors. He only wants what is best for North America." Canadian Foreign Minister Sandra Conger then joked, "We're hoping to grow some good wine grapes to make a ceremonial vintage celebrating this moment, but right now the grapes are not up to speed."

The Alaskan President, 'Governor' William Hodges, has had a history of good relations with the Native American tribes from his days at the Bureau of Indian Affairs prior to its dissolution in 2004. His willingness to embrace the tribes' culture and beliefs fueled his disgust with the Federal Government that led to his election as Governor in his native Alaska in 2006 on the American Reform Party ticket and his leading the sessionist movement in 2011 after the Pulse. Since that day, 'Governor' Hodges has been reaching out to the native Alaskans and the Canadian First Tribes in hopes of healing the centuries long wounds inflicted on them by the European and American settlers thru loans of technology and grants. This farming agreement is his latest attempt at reconciliation and a possible means to an alliance benefiting the tribes and the Republic.

Press Secretary Andrew Macarthur Tyler could not be reached for comment as we went to press. There has been no official comment from the President over the new agricultural agreements, though such deals in past have been met with some begrudging approval.

WHAT A SHAME! THERE'S A PRESIDENTS' DAY CELEBRATION I COULD HAVE SUPPORTED

By Daf9.

Student leaders at the University of Washington today cancelled their upcoming celebration to commemorate the birthday of George Herbert Walker Bush, the 41st President of the United States of America. The theme of the celebration was to be a famous Bush quote exhorting college graduates to become one of "a thousand points of light". Unfortunately the students planning the celebration had misread the quote as "a thousand pints of lite" and had consequently planned a giant beer bash. :

TELL ALL BOOK FROM SABRINA ACTRESS SHOCKS EXPATRIATE HOLLYWOOD, NATION OF ISLAM (REFORMED)!

By Weirdarchive

Even the present genetucking crisis has taken a back seat in Expatriate Hollywood as a shocking autobiography from Melissa Joan Hart is rocking the community with stunning details of sex, scandal, and soft drugs. The exalted leader of the Nation of Islam Reformed Samantha Adjia (formerly Britney Spears) herself has been shaken by the details of her losing her virginity by the very same girl who played the sweet young witch in SABRINA THE TEENAGE WITCH. The book, entitled KISS AND TELL...EVERYBODY!, is presently Number #1 on the London Time Best Seller List for Non-fiction and Number #5 in the International Amazon.com Most Requested List. The biography chronicles her coming of age in Hollywood from her days in the old Nickelodeon series "Clarissa Explains It All" and her breakout roles as Sabrina to her controversial movie role as sister to Christina Ricci and Julia Stiles in the film SNAIL ON A RAZOR'S EDGE where the climatic incestuous threesome love scene nearly ended her film career to her present charity work with the refugees of the UN Middle East Trusteeship Territory.

By far, the most provocative passages have been her detailed reflections of past lovers, both male and female, from her then boyfriend on and off SABRINA Nate Richert to best friend Sarah Michelle Gellar. Hart deeply recalls her 'deflowering' fellow friend and one time guest star Britney Spears, explaining how an innocent discussion about how to please a boy ended up becoming a lesbian orgy with both women, Gellar, and another as yet unknown woman. She talks about how she and Spears fell in love and had a five year relationship before it ended with both women marrying other lovers. Hart expresses regret not coming out of the closet and having the world accept her love for the then pop queen, but explains that she kept quiet 'for the good of dear sweet Brit whose innocence far outshined her stardom.' The book is even dedicated to her, using her present name and title among the Nation of Islam Reformed hierarchy. While not dealing with the sexual goings on, Hart also talks about how SNAIL's graphic love scenes damaged her reputation in Hollywood in spite of the willingness from all three actresses to carry out the roles of a family going to pieces to near-frightening extremes and how a close friend saved her from self destruction by introducing her to Doctors Without Borders, whose work in the Middle East has saved many lives from radiation sickness and biowar plagues. Hart's position as spokeswoman has brought countless amounts of money and manpower to the charity, as well as bring attention to the many Israeli, Palestinian, Iraqi, and Syrian refugee camps doting the 'clean zones' of the Trusteeship Territory. Proceeds from the book's sale will benefit the charities. So far, about $2 million have been donated in Hart's name.

From her headquarters in Juneau, Samantha Adjia expressed some surprising tenderness and forgiveness as she was interviewed by a BBC news crew for some reaction to the book. "I won't lie to you that my previous life had some happy moments." ,she said quietly. "While my youth was spent deluding generations of young people into a life of degradation and materialism, Melissa was kind enough to show me love and caring. Of all the lovers I had before my acceptance of the Prophet, hers was the most pure. I can't condone what she did by writing the book...but I forgive her in memory of what we shared and thank her for them." While mainstream Islam frowns upon homosexuality, the Nation of Islam Reformed has been instrumental in ordaining many gay and lesbians reverends into its clerical fold. She then instructed all her followers not to harm anyone selling the book or attack any bookstore displaying it. As yet, neither women have talked to each other since Britney's induction into the Nation.

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EDITORIAL

DO SAINTS WALK AMONG US?

By Samcrazy

If so, then why do they hang around here? This is the question this reporter finds herself asking. Nowadays there is a lot that science cannot account for and the people find themselves looking toward other forces to explain some of the things that occur from day to day. This reporter went out in hunt of real-life saints and any accounts of miracles that seem unexplainable. We visited Vicar Antonio in charge of a 'rescue home' for the down and out. The people there hail him as a Saint and we asked why.

"He's always here, 8:00am on the dot. He just opens his doors and has a wide range of things to help anyone who walks in," says John J. Hobo.

"The Vicar is welcoming and kind above all else. He thinks of us as people, not as men who can't be bothered to find work and not as nobodies," says Kurt the Third.

"My child and I thought that nobody cared in this day and age, but when we heard of this center we just walked in and he gave me two extra blankets and Freddy, my son, a pick up truck toy to play with," says Jane Doe.

We interviewed the Vicar, and he told us of how he got into this line of work and how he thinks he makes a difference.

"I just looked out of the windows in my church and saw so many people lost and in need of the Lord. I decided that I would no longer be a bystander so I bought a small rundown shop close to the center of Seattle and with the church funds I picked up any supplies that I thought may help the homeless of today."

"That's heart-warming, Vicar Antonio..."

"Oh call me Anty. Everyone else does"

"I see. Okay then Anty, how do you think you've make a difference to Seattle?"

"I think that I've given a few people the will to keep on living. Many of them had lost God after the Pulse and had nothing to do with their lives. Now some of the people I've helped have come to work with me or found work elsewhere."

"Thank you Unky...umm, yes thank you."

We found a real live Saint, but then this reporter went in search of the Saints we couldn't see...

This reporter tracked down a family living in a small house on the inner perimeter of Seattle, who reportedly witnesses a miracle take place. Mrs. Dowacky tells us her account.

"Ma husband was ill...so ill...but then suddenly he was well again! A man came in and then ma husband just sat up in bed and he looked real better!"

We did choose to dump this account because it was obvious that a doctor can to visit but then this article wouldn't be long enough. But now it is so I leave with a closing statement that miracles do happen, but the benefactors are obviously unwilling to come forward. But lets not forget the Saints that do walk among such as Anty. I mean Vicar Antonio.

Saints walking among us

So what's all the fuss

Here in the Midwest

We'll be more impressed

When saints start taking the bus

LETTERS TO THE EDITOR

Dear Editor,

I think that this Superman guy is good for Seattle. Maybe he will teach the sector police a few things about bravery. The last time I dared to go outside at night, the sector police were watching someone get beat up by some gang members. Then AFTER the gang left they rushed to help and sent him to a nearby hospital. If you ask me I think it is a conspiracy. The government is working against us. They want us to think they are doing good and protecting us! ! But they aren't!!! I say this guy can do Seattle some good.

Elderly woman running scared

Editor's note: It's worse than you think. My next door neighbor knows that guy's hair stylist's mother-in-law. According to her; FIRST the sector police stole his jewelry and wallet and THEN they took him to the hospital.

Dear Editor,

Your reporter DAF9 is trying to kill me. I am a recovering alcoholic. The doctors say if I take one more drink that I will die. So when this big water crisis comes up I am like no big deal right. well then I see that DAF9 has said we all drink alcohol instead!! she is trying to kill me and I think I will sue.

Alcoholics Annonmous (SP) Member

Dear Editor.

I know why no one can figure out Jonas Cale's death! It is the government!!!! A conspiracy!!! our own sector police!! a cover up I tell you!!! they wanted him dead, and they got him dead!!! I say we riot!!!!!!!!!!

Second elderly woman running scared

Dear Editor,

I just have to say that I was near the tent when that old bat told the curly haired girl her fortune during the festival. And let me tell you it wasn't pretty, and it was obviously not what the girl wanted to hear. She tore outa there like a cheetah, If you blinked you missed her. I think that we should get that fortune teller imprisoned before she tells someone else's BAD fortune!!!

SC- from the paper across the street.

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FEATURES

ARE YOU ADDICTED TO CAFFEINE?

By Preciousjax

Here is a Nine Question Quiz to Help You Find Out

(Obtained and Adapted from http://www.davesite.com/humor/caffeine/)

1. How many cups of coffee do you drink a day?

a.) none

b.) a few

c.) I'm on a intravenous drip

2. Do you like your coffee regular or decaffeinated?

a.) decaf

b.) regular

c.) Where's my Jolt? Damn it! Who stole my Jolt?

3. Who makes Jolt Cola?

a.) how am I supposed to know?

b.) let me check the can sitting next to my desk

c.) Wet Planet, duh!

4. What is the Jolt Cola logo?

a.) What's Jolt?

b.) a lightning bolt through the O in Jolt

c.) A lightning bolt through the O in Jolt with a red shadow

5. What is the proper way to spell the drug we are talking about?

a.) what drug? We're talking about a drug? Where? Huh?

b.) caffeine

c.) I missed the question while I was sipping my Dew. Can you repeat it please?

6. What is better; a beer or a mountain dew?

a.) they both taste like goat piss.

b.) Beer

c.) DEW!!! DEW!! DEW!!

7. What is the meaning of life?

a.) Helping others.

b.) helping others raise money to buy coffee

c.) Stealing coffee from others.

8. How many letters are in the word caffeine?

a.) 3

b.)8

c.) Why not both?

9. Do you work for the Streets of Seattle?

a.) No, or else I would have just paid five bucks to buy it.

b.) No, but I wish I did. I hear the editor in chief is a hottie.

c.) I cant remember...its been ten minuets since my last visit to the

Starbucks website...I cant

think of much of anything.

Scoring:

Add up all your 'A' answers (Multiply by 0): Total ___

Add up all your 'B' answers (Multiply by 1): Total ___

Add up all your 'C' answers (Multiply by 2): Total ___

Grand Total ___

Note: If you answered 'B' to number 9, call 304-847-874-69-874

If you answered 'C', add 835 points to your score.

If you scored:

0: You lucky ba*tard.

1 or More: Caffeine Addicts Anonymous will be meeting in the conference room in the Streets of Seattle's Main Offices at 14 Patterson Street Monday through Fridays, 7PM-9PM.

HOW TO CURE A CAFFEINE ADDICTION

By Daf9

1. Take your coffee pot and smash it on the nearest hard surface.

2. Remove your shoes and socks and jump up and down on the broken glass

3. Call 911 and tell them what you did.

4. Wait for the ambulance to take you to the hospital

5. Tell the doctor you have a very Low pain threshold.

6. Suggest Demerol.

7. Coffee? Who cares about coffee!

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ADVICE

DREAMING OF YOU

By Legend10013

It's that time again. I've squandered my paycheck and I'm in desperate need of funds or cookies. Let me help with your dreams.

Hello Legend. I have this recurring dream about this tall dark handsome man who sweeps me off my feet. I fall into his passionate embrace and...and we make love and..then it's like the whole world ends. Darkness, blood...

Is it me? Is it? I can deal. Really I can. Please help.

B@sunnydale.com

Well, B. I can tell that you have a self-esteem issue. The world will not end if you and this man fall madly in love. Your fear of losing who you are is natural but you should try embracing this new relationship. Don't let your fear losing control..end up controlling you. Love is about losing control and feeling that nothing but the two of you matter. Neither one of you will be the same. I will see you at the group meeting about that displaced anger issues you have. Please remember to leave Mr. Pointy at home.

Legend10013

If you are reading my e-mail then my dream has come true. I wanna be just like you mister Jordan! I try all day to dunk but can't seem to reach the net. Do you have any advice?

R.G.@CHallNY.com

First, I'm not M. Jordan. And second you may never dunk..well maybe doughnuts...but not the rock. You might have to live with this limitation until we have low cost public space travel. Zero G should help but not with your marital problems. I'm sending you my bill unless you can handle those parking tickets.

Legend10013

Yo! Legend. I got this dream bout this dark haired girl who has a barcode who's into martial arts. What can I do? Haven't slept like in three days! Please hit me back.

DAFan@large.com

Yo! I think I know who you talkin bout. Have you tried to talk'n to her? She just like you an me. Are you fraid she turn you down? Tough. Get over it and ask that girl in the supermarket out. If she kicks your butt then it ain't to be bro! And if her name is Max, then I say.. run for it cause you gonna get you butt beat.

Legend10013

...,!... ..... .... ....!..... "... .. ...." .... ...... .... ....;.... ..'.... ......?

V@ghost.com

... ... .... ...... ..? ........ ... .. ".. .. ..... .. ..... .... ..... .... ..... .. ...." .... ..'... ...

Legend10013

I keep dreaming about this shadowy figure coming to my home and eating all my cookies. Oh, Legend what can I do?

Lady W.@gingerbreadhouse.com

Really? do you have lots of cookies? It's not a dream.... boo! :P

Legend10013

That's all for today folks. There are cookies waiting for me. I'll be back next week and we'll see if anyone is brave enough to e-mail us again with the dreams.

ASK DR. LOVE

By Logans_Babe

Dear Doctor Love,

My reproductive therapist and I have been dating for months now. And I used to say that I was so in love with her that I could over look the fact that she is too sweet and nosy, plus the fact that she is always on the phone with her patients and that is always telling me about how size doesn't matter. blah blah blah, etc etc... Well, I don't know what to do because our relationship is going down the drain and we were planning on getting married. Could you help me?

Depressed

Dear Depressed,

A reproductive therapist?? Why didn't you just call date your mother? If you really loved her you would have explained all that to her so that she could work on her problems. In fact, you should do that right now. Explain the situation to her. If everything goes well, then you two should be married in a couple weeks. IF you don't want to do that, you can always just leave her. After all, if she wanted to be a reproductive therapist then think of what your in-laws will be!!

Doctor Love

Dear D.L.

I am in love with my mother's fiancé, and we have had sexual relations, which leads me to believe that she loves me too. I am planning on asking her to move in with me. I don't know how to tell my mother. What should I do?

Lesbian Love Triangle

Dear Lesbian Love Triangle,

This sounds like something off of the jerry Springer show--which by the way is really starting to make a come back. First of all I would say hey, any one is fair game. But your mother's fiancé?? Isn't that a little much?? I mean I know they changed like all the laws to accommodate lesbians and gays to marry the same sex, but still, your mother's fiancé? Second of all, how in the hell Iare/I you going to tell her? Cause I definitely am not going to get in the middle of this and make it a square. (lol) The best advise I could give you is Jerry Springer.

The Doc

Dear Doc,

My boyfriend is like this weakling. He cant do anything. His hair is longer than mine, his eyes brows definitely need plucked, he has green teeth. And he is always going for that gothic look that everyone is having these days. Plus, because of your papers article about toga's, he has started to wear those too. I just don't know if I can handle him anymore, he is an embarrassment to society. To me!! The only thing is, he is rich and he pays for everything of mine. What should I do?

Freak Boy's GF

Dear Freak Boy's GF,

Olga!! Hey I saw you yesterday with him. It really looked like you were going to club him with that frying pan in your hands. This is my advise, dump him if you don't like him, otherwise if you want to stay with him for his money, start to look and dress like him

Doc

Dear Doctor Love,

HELP!!!!!!!!! I absolutely LOVE this man named Dammachine. Except he thinks I hate him cause I publicly embarrass him a few times... big deal right? wrong! he is taking it way too seriously. If only he knew how much we were meant to be together. I just want to say that I love you DTM!!!! I love you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I ....LOVE.....YOU!!!!!!!!!! And that I am sorry. :) I will take you out by the lake and--- Editors note: the rest of this letter was deleted due to violent and sexual content.

Logans_babe

Dear Logans_babe,

Well, One of our very own SOS reporters and CFO!!! Writing to me!! Ha! For help! I think they must have gone insane! Well the only thing I can see is that you two are made for each other! go get him!! And if you are reading this DTM, I think you got a person that really likes you on your hands.. If only you saw the rest of that letter, I think you would be more than happy to love her back!! lol

Dr. Love

Dear Dr. Love,

I'm an idiot when it comes to relationships. I pick the wrong guys and then

date them, can you give me any tips on finding the right man?

Mrs. Dumb

Dear Mrs. Dumb,

There is this dating service out of Olympia that says that they will match

you with the right guy or your money back (it costs $92.35 to participate). If

you don't want to do that you could always try the nursing home. That way if you

make a bad choice you won't have to live with it for long.

Doctor Love

Dear Dr. Love,

My boyfriend is into having sex with animals. But since there is a shortage of farm animals in Seattle he wants me to dress in a sheep costume and baa like a sheep during sex. This has me more than a little concerned, should I go along with him or tell him to forget it?

Embaarassed in Seattle

Dear Embaarassed in Seattle,

This is quite an interesting situation you have yourself in! I believe the best thing for you to is run like he||! Especially if he wants to have sex like that all the time. If it is only every now and again and you can deal with it. . . never mind, just run!!

Dr. Love

Editor's note: running is certainly one solution. But if you really like the guy otherwise another approach would be to try and convince him that dressing as a sheep isn't a good idea. Maybe you could try deliberately misunderstanding his request and show up dressed as a linebacker for the LA Rams. Unless of course he secretly wants to play for the all-boys team in which case back to your original plan.

***************************

POETRY

ROBOPHOBE

By Codthecell2

I can't imagine why-I even sit and try
My words are lost on you-You're mind seems made up to
This guilt and piety are just a fantasy
That you've created to-Make others kneel to you

And I see it now
What lies inside
Do you believe me
cause I tried

I don't know what I'll find-Each time I buy your lies
A hand out or a tear-Shed for your wasted years
But see I'm not that dumb-Trapped underneath your thumb
I've striven so hard to-Not be a clone like you

So grab your guns my friend-Feel free to jump back in
And try to fade into-A crowd that looks like you
Someday I hope you'll find-Something of yours inside
To break you out of mold-And gain back what you have sold
'Cause inside of everything-There is an endless sea
That churns your thoughts into-Assimilated ruin
And what will happen then-When you look back my friend
And those who prosecute-Are on the hunt for you

And I see it now
What lies inside
Did you believe me
Cause I tried

So take a ride, inside my mind
Step inside

CINQUAIN

By Cherokee128

Stallion

Brave, Wild, and Free

Protecting his only mares

He makes me feel as wild as he

Strong Horse

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CLASSIFIEDS

Wanted: Gold toilet out of Jennem's bathroom. Call LB@SOS

Personal: Woman looking for a man with good looks. Must know how to cook masterpieces. Must be able to have intelligent conversations. AND like to take long walks on beach. Mirille 555 678 2345

Lost: One hundred teeth. Must have by Sunday's mass.

For Sale: Elegant glass marbles. Call Anom-alie @ 567 799 0987

Personal: friendly female with lots of cats looking for someone to have tea with on Sunday afternoons. call Mrs. Nezbit @ 697 088 5860