STREETS OF SEATTLE
(date withheld), 2019
http://pages.prodigy.net/jennem
To our readers: The stories appearing in today's STREETS OF
SEATTLE have been cleared by the U.S. Army under the provisions of the Martial
Law Declaration of 2009 and the National Emergency Declaration of 2010.
Editor in Chief: Jennem1
Senior Editor: Daf9
Managing Editor:
Samcrazy
Chief Reporter:
Weirdarchive
Chief Financial Officer:
Logans_Babe
Entertainment Editor:
Jox5
Politics Editor:
Preciousjax
Contributing Reporter:
Legend10013
Contributing Reporter:
April (X5422)
Contributing Reporter:
Codthecell2
Contributing Reporter:
Cherokee128
***************************
LOCAL NEWS
HOVERDRONE SCAM REVEALED BY EYES ONLY, CALE TRUST CONFISCATED
By Samcrazy
In an astonishing chain
of events, the biggest industry in Seattle and most of the US today was
grounded after Eyes Only blew the whistle on a scam that had been going on for
some time. The Hoverdrones that patrol
the city have been being used to murder certain ex-convicts, clearing up a
mystery that has been plaguing our city for a long while. The report has meant repercussions for some
of the benefactors of the hoverdrone project, one in particular: Mr. Logan
Cale. The immense Cale trust was passed
onto Mr. Cale from Mr. Jonas Cale, Mr. Cale's uncle.
Mr. Jonas was a joint
partner in the running of the Hoverdrones, and after his shocking disappearance
his two partners fled the country. The
Cale trust was confiscated after Eyes Only made the hack.
In a close-up we looked
at the chain of murders using sources in the police department. We discovered that there had been six
unsolved homicides of recent parolees. The police department had not at the time released a statement about the
homicides, and still has not after the Eyes Only broadcast. There are still the unanswered questions
about why these ex-cons had been targeted by killer hoverdrones, and who was in
charge of programming the robots to hunt and destroy. There is a lot of speculation that Mr. Jonas Cale's so far
unnamed partners may have had more information on the killer Hoverdrones, but
as Mr. Jonas Cale is so far missing we can not chase up these rumors.
This reporter arranged
an interview exclusively for the 'Streets of Seattle' with Mr. Logan Cale about
the recent turn of events.
"Thank you for your
time, Mr. Cale. We would first like to
clear up the startling rumors that you were involved in your Uncle's 'killer
Hoverdrone' business. Are they
true?"
"No, they are
not. Both Jonas and I had no idea that
the Hoverdrones were being used as devices for murdering parolees. I first learned of it after the Eyes Only
broadcast"
"And how did you
react after the mysterious Eyes Only broke what looked to be a continuous flow
of income for you and your family?"
"I was, of course,
very disappointed and shocked at the news, but on reflection I find that the
truth had to be told. Otherwise these
killer Hoverdrones may still be flying around, killing what look to be newly
rehabilitated men."
"Many people are
responding to the Hoverdrone scam as being a good way to keep these
ex-criminals off the streets and from doing anymore damage. How do you feel about that?"
"Well, I cannot say
that I am happy or even pleased about these faulty machines killing these men
who have done their time in jail. Those
men had done their time and whether or not they had learned from their
experiences in prison we shall never know. They may have been ready to give back to the community, but we'll never
know."
"You mentioned that
you believed that these Hoverdrones were 'faulty'. The Hoverdrones are said to be very complex machines with
failsafes to stop this from happening, surely they have been programmed?"
"I'm afraid that I
don't know."
"Thank you"
Killer Hoverdrones? What's next? Be careful out there on the streets.
MYSTERY DISEASE TURNS OUT TO BE URBAN MYTH
By Samcrazy
The people of Seattle
were in a state of panic for the last few days after rumors that a deadly
disease had broken out in the city. But
after the medical authorities jumped in to solve this said epidemic, there was
found to be no signs. The subject was
dropped, but this reporter has been given the assignment to track down the
source of this myth.
We talked to Mr.
Sivapathasundaram, who first reported the disease.
"I was visiting a
recent investment possibility of mine, Jam Pony, and panicking young man rushed
up to me. He told me that a disease was
spreading through the company, and he quickly wrestled me into the office. He blocked the lower part of the door so
that the infection would not reach us. After we stopped panicking, he found an exit and then he was struck down
with the disease. I got into the car
and didn't look back"
And you saw some of the
employees of Jam Pony suffering with the disease?
"Oh yes, we were
approached by several young peoples who had green blemishes on their faces, oh
and then the young man who got us out of the building came down with it."
Mr. Sivapathasundaram
gave us a description of the disease, putting emphasis on the facial symptoms.
We talked to an old Jam
Pony source, Mr. Sketchy, currently recovering from a recent head trauma (see
Food Fight, section B1). He
explained that he was busy, and only told us that he had no idea what Mr.
Sivapathasundaram was going on about. The other employees of Jam Pony were unwilling to comment, although the
manager, Normal, did say that he was not aware of any 'disease' floating around
Jam Pony
So we seemed to tracked
down the source of the myth, but due to a lack of comprehendible evidence we can
only draw the conclusion that rumors came become real if you are hysterical
enough to believe them.
So we here at the
'Streets' say; don't believe everything you hear, but believe everything you
read, namely everything you read in this paper.
ELECTRONIC TAGGING: EMPLOYEES ON A LEAD
By Samcrazy
In the world of today many people are falling victim to
having their movements tracked by various electronic devices, whether they be
Hoverdrones or the new craze, digital locators.
We here at the 'Streets' have become guinea pigs so we can try out these new under-the-skin tags to see if they do anything beside let your employer know when you are on the can or rummaging around in the office supply cupboard without permission. Our Editor-In-Chief Jennem1 equipped all the reporters, both the people who sit behind desks and the ones who go out in hunt of stories, with this new form of keeping track of rogue employees.
It requires a small Internet connection on the computer of
the employer and a small injection on the arm. The chip then sits comfortably under the skin, causing only a slight red
rash, which can be treated but unfortunately our Editor was unwilling to part
with an extra $20 for the ointment.
We set out on our normal daily routine, which meant that a small
handful of the active, on-the-street reporters left the office and a few
remained behind to type up any researched articles.
As a general overview, this reporter was allowed twenty
minutes every two hours in the Editor-in-Chief's office to watch the activities
on the computer screen. Each reporter
turned up as a little pulsating blip on a map of the immediate area, and
sections within that map can be enhanced to see where exactly the roving
reporters were.
9:02am-observed the CFO (Chief Financial Officer,
Logans_Babe) entering the reporters lounge at an unauthorized time. Jennem1 sent down her two hand servants to
shoo her out and back to the accounting office.
9:05am-noticed Jox5 driving up to the Ensign Bros Bagel
Bar. The people at the shop were warned
not to serve this reporter, only to show him the door.
9:11am-our Senior Reporter Daf9 was seen to enter the
building, seemingly to enter into her office and to start work. However, she took a detour and sat in
Jennem1's private sauna area for five minutes before being removed.
9:16am-Preciousjax was watched as she walked into the
Seattle Mega Mall and purchased a cup of very expensive Starbucks coffee, not
only was she wasting valuable reporting time she was found to have billed it to
the company health insurance, claiming 'it was what kept her alive'.
At 9:20 this reporter went out and about to research an
article about the shortage of toilet paper today and so I walked out into the
street. A good half an hour passed
before I felt nature calling but as soon as I entered a cubical Will, Jennem1's
foot massager entered the restroom to remove me. Fortunately he waited until I was finished.
For the remainder of the hour and forty minutes this
reporter refrained from entering any shop that would waste company work time. Instead
she talked to another employee of a company called 'Plastic co' which makes
garden chairs. He has been tagged now
for two weeks, and he tells us of his experiences with the digital locators.
"It's been a non-stop nightmare! Every time I enter the comfort station I get wrestled out by
beefy employee, when I try to enter the dining room to get a sandwich a couple
of minutes before break time when there's a stampede of factory workers I am
thrown out by the dinner lady! It's
ruined my life…they know what I do when I'm at home and all my terrible
secrets!"
Well, at least he got the rash treatment.
I return to the Editor-In-Chief's office to only to
interrupt her in the middle of yelling at her private busboy that he put mayo
on her burger by accident. I proceed to
observe the now, more wary employees of 'The Streets of Seattle'.
11:07am-Dark_Fairy_ was seen going into the company
restrooms. Jennem1 quickly sorted out
that problem.
11:10am-Dark_Fairy_ again tried to go to the toilet. I don't think she gets this whole 'Big
Brother' idea yet.
11:13am-In an earlier attempt to get coffee Preciousjax was
seen putting a whoopee cushion in the sofa in Jennem1's private lounge
area. She was taken to the naughty box
where she remained for ten minutes.
11:17am-Qmontgomery was tracked after straying off the
predicted course that lead to one area that a pre-arranged interview. Instead he tried to stop off at an
out-of-town water park that had a particular plastic elephant slide he
liked. Jennem1 called the sector police
in that area to escort him to his designated location, and she told them not to
spare the mace.
11:20am-Dark_Fairy_ really doesn't get it. She was sent to the naughty box. Boy, it is getting crowded in there.
As this reporter now had time to research into this article,
I went to the manufacturer of these digital bothers, Mr. Yammagochi
How do they work?
"Well, they use GPS, or Global Positioning System, they pick
up what are like radio signals emitted from the chips. The satellite in orbit then relays the
location of the said employee to the 'host computer'"
I see. How long have
you been making these chips?
"For around three years now."
How did you come up with the idea?
"This is old technology, funnily enough. It was used back before the Pulse to locate
parolees. I just renewed it."
Thank you, Mr. Yammagochi.
Back in Jennem1's office I enter to find her not at her
desk, but down the corridor stealing supplies from Daf9's office. I again take up the role of 'Big Brother'
and observe the hapless employees.
1:00pm-everyone is in the lunch hall, eating Sloppy Joes
with a meat substitute. All except
Legend10013 who looks to be sitting in the broom cupboard. Looks like he got lost again.
1:02pm-I was mistaken; Legend10013 was caught eating cookies
and herbal gummies amongst the mops.
1:09pm-On their way out of the lunch hall, Weirdarchive and
Shnapzie turned off onto the volleyball court outside. Jennem1 allowed this because it had rained
yesterday and that would mean dirty great mud holes where the potholes in the
court were.
1:15pm- Weirdarchive and Shnapzie were seen drying themselves
off in separate restrooms.
1:19pm- Cherokee128 was watched as she sneaked into the
lunch prep rooms and stole what was found to be Jennem1's private supply of
ready made coffee and coffee beans. Jennem1 had been wondering where they had gone.
This reporter blew off the next time she had the opportunity
to watch the SOS employees break rules because of Jennem1's withdrawal symptoms
from not drinking any coffee were getting too much for me to watch.
I went to a Doctor Harold, a local expert in the field of
implantation to ask if there are any ill after-effects of having an implant
under the skin, and how to remove it.
"The chip is not toxic in anyway, and there are no real
medical problems that arise from having one. But there are physical effects, basically from the fear of being watched
every moment of everyday, the employer could watch you at night and you
wouldn't have a clue. This is causing
insomnia in many cases I have seen and general worried feelings that you are
being watched all the time.
The quick way to remove it is to have an injection that will
dissolve the implant. It is almost
harmless, only causing severe rash and piles."
For the last watch of the day this reporter walked
cautiously in, to see Jennem1 drinking Pepsi, Cola and Jolt all mixed
together. This resulted in a very hyper
mood all around and her running out of the office for the bathroom every five
minutes. All the employees were just
returning to the office to pack up.
7:00pm- April unfortunately had a clean record up until now
when she tried to walk into the small pool out back of the building only to
have flour bombs dropped on her head from a still hyper Jennem1.
7:04pm- Legend10013 tried to stop off at the 'Cookie
Factory' on his way back to the office but was caught before he got in by
Jennem1's back massager.
At the same time Jox5 position was given away, he was in the
same car as Legend10013 and was apprehended as well.
7:08pm- PreciousJax and Cherokee128 blips were next to each
other and when Jennem1 sent down her Feng Shui expert to see what was going on
she was informed that they were drinking coffee from her personal stash. They were sent to the muddy volleyball court
and she threw balls at them surprising accurately from her office window.
7:11pm- Qmontgomery and Weirdarchive went into the group
computer room and sat there for ten minutes only when Jennem1 told me to check
it out I found that Qmontgomery was being made to look at Weird's porn site,
mostly based around Jennem1. I quickly
erased the computer history so they wouldn't get in trouble.
7:15pm- Shnapzie's route back to the office deviated and she
tried to stop off at McDonalds for a McSalad shaker. All fast-food outlets had been notified however not to serve any
of the SOS team now Jennem1 knew where they went.
So the over all verdict is that these tags are annoying and
has caused many of the 'Streets' team to go mental over the fact that stealing
office supplies is no longer allowed.
There maybe a bit more to say but this reporter must dash
off now to get the darn chip moved and to go the restroom.
FOOD FIGHT
By Jox5
Yesterday at
approximately 1:00pm, the world's largest food fight broke out on South Market
Street. Thousands of tomatoes and other vegetables were thrown in the five-hour
melee. Riot police had to be called in to battle the people.
After much
investigation, the police were finally able to identify the cause of the fight.
A man known as Sketchy was sporting extremely bad fashion. He wore a green and yellow reflective Jam
Pony jacket was just so ridiculous, people felt it had to be covered. In this
case, covered with rotten vegetables.
Sketchy is currently in
hospital suffering a head wound caused by a flying watermelon. He is expected
to make a full recovery in about a week.
Now the police
department is wondering who is responsible for the mess that is rotting in the
streets. Enough food to feed Seattle for a week was wasted, and many people
were hurt when hit by flying fruit and slipping in the slimy mess. Should the
forty-eight people arrested at the scene be forced to clean up the streets as
part of their community service, or should Reagan Ronald, designer of the
jacket, be responsible?
Sketchy at first said he
was going to sue his boss for forcing him to wear the jacket, but instead
accepted settlement when Mr. Ronald signed a contract that said he will no
longer say "bip bip bip"
***************************
NATIONAL NEWS
REPUBLIC OF ALASKA'S FARMS SPROUTING OUT IN NUNAVUT!
By Weirdarchive
In an attempt to defuse
the growing crisis over the Bering Strait Pact's upcoming war games, Canada
revealed its latest agribusiness venture with the rogue Republic of Alaska
inside the Territory of Nunavut by building the latest hydroponic gardens for
the local First Nation tribes (the local name of the Canadian Indians). The
hope in releasing this information is to show the American government an
alternate way to resolve conflict thru economic cooperation. The press
conference at the Provincial capital Iqaluit, presided over by the Premier of
Nunavut and the Canadian Foreign Minister, detailed the trade agreements
between the two parties and the various plans for the new farms.
The farms being built
are the latest in enclosed hydroponic gardening and solar technology. The farms
use a special mixture of liquid fertilizer and nutrients which feed a variety
of crops designed for hydroponic use, such as potatoes, radishes, carrots,
tomatoes, peanuts, corn and some wheat grains. The solar cells collect the
smallest amount of light possible and fuel the inside 'sun blubs' to help the
crops grow and mature, even in the worst climate. The storage batteries can
maintain the blub during the darkest Winter period for about four to seven
months (including emergency power cells) and the enclosures can withstand wind
speeds up to Category One Hurricane force.
"We thank
'Governor' Hodges for giving us the means to be more self sufficient."
,Nunavut Premier Joseph LaForte said to a packed assembly of reporters and
local Nunavutians. "The President of Alaska has always thought himself a
First Nationalist in spirit and expressed his desires to make peace with his
blood brothers of the tribes. This gift of farming equipment and personnel will
greatly aid us and our fellow Canadians in the Winter months. Surely this man
does not want war with his neighbors. He only wants what is best for North
America." Canadian Foreign Minister Sandra Conger then joked, "We're
hoping to grow some good wine grapes to make a ceremonial vintage celebrating
this moment, but right now the grapes are not up to speed."
The Alaskan President,
'Governor' William Hodges, has had a history of good relations with the Native
American tribes from his days at the Bureau of Indian Affairs prior to its
dissolution in 2004. His willingness to embrace the tribes' culture and beliefs
fueled his disgust with the Federal Government that led to his election as
Governor in his native Alaska in 2006 on the American Reform Party ticket and
his leading the sessionist movement in 2011 after the Pulse. Since that day,
'Governor' Hodges has been reaching out to the native Alaskans and the Canadian
First Tribes in hopes of healing the centuries long wounds inflicted on them by
the European and American settlers thru loans of technology and grants. This
farming agreement is his latest attempt at reconciliation and a possible means
to an alliance benefiting the tribes and the Republic.
Press Secretary Andrew
Macarthur Tyler could not be reached for comment as we went to press. There has
been no official comment from the President over the new agricultural
agreements, though such deals in past have been met with some begrudging
approval.
WHAT A SHAME! THERE'S A
PRESIDENTS' DAY CELEBRATION I COULD HAVE SUPPORTED
By Daf9.
Student leaders at the
University of Washington today cancelled their upcoming celebration to
commemorate the birthday of George Herbert Walker Bush, the 41st President of
the United States of America. The theme of the celebration was to be a famous
Bush quote exhorting college graduates to become one of "a thousand points
of light". Unfortunately the students planning the celebration had misread
the quote as "a thousand pints of lite" and had consequently planned
a giant beer bash. :
TELL ALL BOOK FROM SABRINA ACTRESS SHOCKS EXPATRIATE HOLLYWOOD,
NATION OF ISLAM (REFORMED)!
By Weirdarchive
Even the present
genetucking crisis has taken a back seat in Expatriate Hollywood as a shocking
autobiography from Melissa Joan Hart is rocking the community with stunning
details of sex, scandal, and soft drugs. The exalted leader of the Nation of
Islam Reformed Samantha Adjia (formerly Britney Spears) herself has been shaken
by the details of her losing her virginity by the very same girl who played the
sweet young witch in SABRINA THE TEENAGE WITCH. The book, entitled KISS AND
TELL...EVERYBODY!, is presently Number #1 on the London Time Best Seller List
for Non-fiction and Number #5 in the International Amazon.com Most Requested
List. The biography chronicles her coming of age in Hollywood from her days in
the old Nickelodeon series "Clarissa Explains It All" and her
breakout roles as Sabrina to her controversial movie role as sister to
Christina Ricci and Julia Stiles in the film SNAIL ON A RAZOR'S EDGE where the
climatic incestuous threesome love scene nearly ended her film career to her
present charity work with the refugees of the UN Middle East Trusteeship Territory.
By far, the most
provocative passages have been her detailed reflections of past lovers, both
male and female, from her then boyfriend on and off SABRINA Nate Richert to
best friend Sarah Michelle Gellar. Hart deeply recalls her 'deflowering' fellow
friend and one time guest star Britney Spears, explaining how an innocent
discussion about how to please a boy ended up becoming a lesbian orgy with both
women, Gellar, and another as yet unknown woman. She talks about how she and
Spears fell in love and had a five year relationship before it ended with both
women marrying other lovers. Hart expresses regret not coming out of the closet
and having the world accept her love for the then pop queen, but explains that
she kept quiet 'for the good of dear sweet Brit whose innocence far outshined
her stardom.' The book is even dedicated to her, using her present name and
title among the Nation of Islam Reformed hierarchy. While not dealing with the
sexual goings on, Hart also talks about how SNAIL's graphic love scenes damaged
her reputation in Hollywood in spite of the willingness from all three
actresses to carry out the roles of a family going to pieces to
near-frightening extremes and how a close friend saved her from self
destruction by introducing her to Doctors Without Borders, whose work in the
Middle East has saved many lives from radiation sickness and biowar plagues.
Hart's position as spokeswoman has brought countless amounts of money and
manpower to the charity, as well as bring attention to the many Israeli,
Palestinian, Iraqi, and Syrian refugee camps doting the 'clean zones' of the
Trusteeship Territory. Proceeds from the book's sale will benefit the
charities. So far, about $2 million have been donated in Hart's name.
From her headquarters in
Juneau, Samantha Adjia expressed some surprising tenderness and forgiveness as
she was interviewed by a BBC news crew for some reaction to the book. "I
won't lie to you that my previous life had some happy moments." ,she said
quietly. "While my youth was spent deluding generations of young people
into a life of degradation and materialism, Melissa was kind enough to show me
love and caring. Of all the lovers I had before my acceptance of the Prophet,
hers was the most pure. I can't condone what she did by writing the book...but
I forgive her in memory of what we shared and thank her for them." While
mainstream Islam frowns upon homosexuality, the Nation of Islam Reformed has
been instrumental in ordaining many gay and lesbians reverends into its
clerical fold. She then instructed all her followers not to harm anyone selling
the book or attack any bookstore displaying it. As yet, neither women have
talked to each other since Britney's induction into the Nation.
***************************
EDITORIAL
DO SAINTS WALK AMONG US?
By Samcrazy
If so, then why do they
hang around here? This is the question
this reporter finds herself asking. Nowadays there is a lot that science cannot account for and the people
find themselves looking toward other forces to explain some of the things that
occur from day to day. This reporter
went out in hunt of real-life saints and any accounts of miracles that seem
unexplainable. We visited Vicar Antonio
in charge of a 'rescue home' for the down and out. The people there hail him as a Saint and we asked why.
"He's always here,
8:00am on the dot. He just opens his
doors and has a wide range of things to help anyone who walks in," says
John J. Hobo.
"The Vicar is
welcoming and kind above all else. He
thinks of us as people, not as men who can't be bothered to find work and not
as nobodies," says Kurt the Third.
"My child and I
thought that nobody cared in this day and age, but when we heard of this center we just walked in and he gave me
two extra blankets and Freddy, my son, a pick up truck toy to play with,"
says Jane Doe.
We interviewed the
Vicar, and he told us of how he got into this line of work and how he thinks he
makes a difference.
"I just looked out
of the windows in my church and saw so many people lost and in need of the
Lord. I decided that I would no longer
be a bystander so I bought a small rundown shop close to the center of Seattle
and with the church funds I picked up any supplies that I thought may help the
homeless of today."
"That's
heart-warming, Vicar Antonio..."
"Oh call me
Anty. Everyone else does"
"I see. Okay then
Anty, how do you think you've make a difference to Seattle?"
"I think that I've
given a few people the will to keep on living. Many of them had lost God after the Pulse and had nothing to do with
their lives. Now some of the people
I've helped have come to work with me or found work elsewhere."
"Thank you
Unky...umm, yes thank you."
We found a real live
Saint, but then this reporter went in search of the Saints we couldn't see...
This reporter tracked
down a family living in a small house on the inner perimeter of Seattle, who
reportedly witnesses a miracle take place. Mrs. Dowacky tells us her account.
"Ma husband was
ill...so ill...but then suddenly he was well again! A man came in and then ma husband just sat up in bed and he
looked real better!"
We did choose to dump
this account because it was obvious that a doctor can to visit but then this
article wouldn't be long enough. But
now it is so I leave with a closing statement that miracles do happen, but the
benefactors are obviously unwilling to come forward. But lets not forget the Saints that do walk among such as
Anty. I mean Vicar Antonio.
Saints walking among us
So what's all the fuss
Here in the Midwest
We'll be more impressed
When saints start taking
the bus
LETTERS TO THE EDITOR
Dear Editor,
I think that this
Superman guy is good for Seattle. Maybe he will teach the sector police a few
things about bravery. The last time I dared to go outside at night, the sector
police were watching someone get beat up by some gang members. Then AFTER the
gang left they rushed to help and sent him to a nearby hospital. If you ask me
I think it is a conspiracy. The government is working against us. They want us
to think they are doing good and protecting us! ! But they aren't!!! I say this
guy can do Seattle some good.
Elderly woman running
scared
Editor's note: It's
worse than you think. My next door neighbor knows that guy's hair stylist's
mother-in-law. According to her; FIRST the sector police stole his jewelry and wallet and THEN they took
him to the hospital.
Dear Editor,
Your reporter DAF9 is
trying to kill me. I am a recovering alcoholic. The doctors say if I take one more drink that I will die. So when
this big water crisis comes up I am like no big deal right. well then I see
that DAF9 has said we all drink alcohol instead!! she is trying to kill me and
I think I will sue.
Alcoholics Annonmous
(SP) Member
Dear Editor.
I know why no one can
figure out Jonas Cale's death! It is the government!!!! A conspiracy!!! our own
sector police!! a cover up I tell you!!! they wanted him dead, and they got him
dead!!! I say we riot!!!!!!!!!!
Second elderly woman
running scared
Dear Editor,
I just have to say that
I was near the tent when that old bat told the curly haired girl her fortune
during the festival. And let me tell you it wasn't pretty, and it was obviously
not what the girl wanted to hear. She tore outa there like a cheetah, If you
blinked you missed her. I think that we should get that fortune teller
imprisoned before she tells someone else's BAD fortune!!!
SC- from the paper
across the street.
***************************
FEATURES
ARE YOU ADDICTED TO CAFFEINE?
By Preciousjax
Here is a Nine Question
Quiz to Help You Find Out
(Obtained and Adapted
from http://www.davesite.com/humor/caffeine/)
1. How many cups of
coffee do you drink a day?
a.) none
b.) a few
c.) I'm on a intravenous
drip
2. Do you like your
coffee regular or decaffeinated?
a.) decaf
b.) regular
c.) Where's my Jolt?
Damn it! Who stole my Jolt?
3. Who makes Jolt Cola?
a.) how am I supposed to
know?
b.) let me check the can
sitting next to my desk
c.) Wet Planet, duh!
4. What is the Jolt Cola
logo?
a.) What's Jolt?
b.) a lightning bolt
through the O in Jolt
c.) A lightning bolt
through the O in Jolt with a red shadow
5. What is the proper
way to spell the drug we are talking about?
a.) what drug? We're
talking about a drug? Where? Huh?
b.) caffeine
c.) I missed the
question while I was sipping my Dew. Can you repeat it please?
6. What is better; a
beer or a mountain dew?
a.) they both taste like
goat piss.
b.) Beer
c.) DEW!!! DEW!! DEW!!
7. What is the meaning
of life?
a.) Helping others.
b.) helping others raise
money to buy coffee
c.) Stealing coffee from
others.
8. How many letters are
in the word caffeine?
a.) 3
b.)8
c.) Why not both?
9. Do you work for the
Streets of Seattle?
a.) No, or else I would
have just paid five bucks to buy it.
b.) No, but I wish I
did. I hear the editor in chief is a hottie.
c.) I cant
remember...its been ten minuets since my last visit to the
Starbucks website...I
cant
think of much of
anything.
Scoring:
Add up all your 'A'
answers (Multiply by 0): Total ___
Add up all your 'B'
answers (Multiply by 1): Total ___
Add up all your 'C'
answers (Multiply by 2): Total ___
Grand Total ___
Note: If you answered
'B' to number 9, call 304-847-874-69-874
If you answered 'C', add
835 points to your score.
If you scored:
0: You lucky ba*tard.
1 or More: Caffeine
Addicts Anonymous will be meeting in the conference room in the Streets of
Seattle's Main Offices at 14 Patterson Street Monday through Fridays, 7PM-9PM.
HOW TO CURE A CAFFEINE ADDICTION
By Daf9
1. Take your coffee pot
and smash it on the nearest hard surface.
2. Remove your shoes and
socks and jump up and down on the broken glass
3. Call 911 and tell
them what you did.
4. Wait for the
ambulance to take you to the hospital
5. Tell the doctor you
have a very Low pain threshold.
6. Suggest Demerol.
7. Coffee? Who cares
about coffee!
***************************
ADVICE
DREAMING OF YOU
By Legend10013
It's that time again.
I've squandered my paycheck and I'm in desperate need of funds or cookies. Let
me help with your dreams.
Hello Legend. I have
this recurring dream about this tall dark handsome man who sweeps me off my
feet. I fall into his passionate embrace and...and we make love and..then it's
like the whole world ends. Darkness, blood...
Is it me? Is it? I can
deal. Really I can. Please help.
B@sunnydale.com
Well, B. I can tell that
you have a self-esteem issue. The world will not end if you and this man fall
madly in love. Your fear of losing who you are is natural but you should try
embracing this new relationship. Don't let your fear losing control..end up
controlling you. Love is about losing control and feeling that nothing but the
two of you matter. Neither one of you will be the same. I will see you at the
group meeting about that displaced anger issues you have. Please remember to
leave Mr. Pointy at home.
Legend10013
If you are reading my
e-mail then my dream has come true. I wanna be just like you mister Jordan! I
try all day to dunk but can't seem to reach the net. Do you have any advice?
R.G.@CHallNY.com
First, I'm not M.
Jordan. And second you may never dunk..well maybe doughnuts...but not the rock.
You might have to live with this limitation until we have low cost public space
travel. Zero G should help but not with your marital problems. I'm sending you
my bill unless you can handle those parking tickets.
Legend10013
Yo! Legend. I got this
dream bout this dark haired girl who has a barcode who's into martial arts.
What can I do? Haven't slept like in three days! Please hit me back.
DAFan@large.com
Yo! I think I know who
you talkin bout. Have you tried to talk'n to her? She just like you an me. Are
you fraid she turn you down? Tough. Get over it and ask that girl in the
supermarket out. If she kicks your butt then it ain't to be bro! And if her
name is Max, then I say.. run for it cause you gonna get you butt beat.
Legend10013
...,!... ..... ....
....!..... "... .. ...." .... ...... .... ....;.... ..'.... ......?
V@ghost.com
... ... .... ...... ..?
........ ... .. ".. .. ..... .. ..... .... ..... .... ..... .. ...."
.... ..'... ...
Legend10013
I keep dreaming about
this shadowy figure coming to my home and eating all my cookies. Oh, Legend
what can I do?
Lady
W.@gingerbreadhouse.com
Really? do you have lots
of cookies? It's not a dream.... boo! :P
Legend10013
That's all for today
folks. There are cookies waiting for me. I'll be back next week and we'll see
if anyone is brave enough to e-mail us again with the dreams.
ASK DR. LOVE
By Logans_Babe
Dear Doctor Love,
My reproductive
therapist and I have been dating for months now. And I used to say that I was
so in love with her that I could over look the fact that she is too sweet and
nosy, plus the fact that she is always on the phone with her patients and that
is always telling me about how size doesn't matter. blah blah blah, etc etc...
Well, I don't know what to do because our relationship is going down the drain
and we were planning on getting married. Could you help me?
Depressed
Dear Depressed,
A reproductive
therapist?? Why didn't you just call date your mother? If you really loved her
you would have explained all that to her so that she could work on her
problems. In fact, you should do that right now. Explain the situation to her.
If everything goes well, then you two should be married in a couple weeks. IF
you don't want to do that, you can always just leave her. After all, if she
wanted to be a reproductive therapist then think of what your in-laws will be!!
Doctor Love
Dear D.L.
I am in love with my
mother's fiancé, and we have had sexual relations, which leads me to believe
that she loves me too. I am planning on asking her to move in with me. I don't
know how to tell my mother. What should I do?
Lesbian Love Triangle
Dear Lesbian Love
Triangle,
This sounds like
something off of the jerry Springer show--which by the way is really starting
to make a come back. First of all I would say hey, any one is fair game. But
your mother's fiancé?? Isn't that a little much?? I mean I know they changed like all the laws to
accommodate lesbians and gays to marry the same sex, but still, your mother's
fiancé? Second of all, how in the hell Iare/I you going to tell
her? Cause I definitely am not going to get in the middle of this and make it a square. (lol) The best advise I
could give you is Jerry Springer.
The Doc
Dear Doc,
My boyfriend is like
this weakling. He cant do anything. His hair is longer than mine, his eyes
brows definitely need plucked, he has green teeth. And he is always going for
that gothic look that everyone is having these days. Plus, because of your papers article about toga's, he has started
to wear those too. I just don't know if I can handle him anymore, he is an
embarrassment to society. To me!! The only thing is, he is rich and he pays for
everything of mine. What should I do?
Freak Boy's GF
Dear Freak Boy's GF,
Olga!! Hey I saw you
yesterday with him. It really looked like you were going to club him with that
frying pan in your hands. This is my advise, dump him if you don't like him, otherwise if you want to stay with him
for his money, start to look and dress like him
Doc
Dear Doctor Love,
HELP!!!!!!!!! I
absolutely LOVE this man named Dammachine. Except he thinks I hate him cause I
publicly embarrass him a few times... big deal right? wrong! he is taking it way too seriously. If only he knew how
much we were meant to be together. I just want to say that I love you DTM!!!! I
love you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I ....LOVE.....YOU!!!!!!!!!!
And that I am sorry. :) I will take you out by the lake and--- Editors note: the rest of
this letter was deleted due to violent and sexual content.
Logans_babe
Dear Logans_babe,
Well, One of our very
own SOS reporters and CFO!!! Writing to me!! Ha! For help! I think they must
have gone insane! Well the only thing I can see is that you two are made for
each other! go get him!! And if you are reading this DTM, I think you got a
person that really likes you on your hands.. If only you saw the rest of that
letter, I think you would be more than happy to love her back!! lol
Dr. Love
Dear Dr. Love,
I'm an idiot when it
comes to relationships. I pick the wrong guys and then
date them, can you give
me any tips on finding the right man?
Mrs. Dumb
Dear Mrs. Dumb,
There is this dating
service out of Olympia that says that they will match
you with the right guy
or your money back (it costs $92.35 to participate). If
you don't want to do
that you could always try the nursing home. That way if you
make a bad choice you
won't have to live with it for long.
Doctor Love
Dear Dr. Love,
My boyfriend is into
having sex with animals. But since there is a shortage of farm animals in
Seattle he wants me to dress in a sheep costume and baa like a sheep during
sex. This has me more than a little concerned, should I go along with him or
tell him to forget it?
Embaarassed in Seattle
Dear Embaarassed in
Seattle,
This is quite an
interesting situation you have yourself in! I believe the best thing for you to
is run like he||! Especially if he wants to have sex like that all the time. If
it is only every now and again and you can deal with it. . . never mind, just
run!!
Dr. Love
Editor's note: running
is certainly one solution. But if you really like the guy otherwise another
approach would be to try and convince him that dressing as a sheep isn't a good
idea. Maybe you could try deliberately misunderstanding his request and show up
dressed as a linebacker for the LA Rams. Unless of course he secretly wants to
play for the all-boys team in which case back to your original plan.
***************************
POETRY
By
Codthecell2
I
can't imagine why-I even sit and try
My words are lost on you-You're mind seems made up to
This guilt and piety are just a fantasy
That you've created to-Make others kneel to you
And
I see it now
What lies inside
Do you believe me
cause I tried
I
don't know what I'll find-Each time I buy your lies
A hand out or a tear-Shed for your wasted years
But see I'm not that dumb-Trapped underneath your thumb
I've striven so hard to-Not be a clone like you
So
grab your guns my friend-Feel free to jump back in
And try to fade into-A crowd that looks like you
Someday I hope you'll find-Something of yours inside
To break you out of mold-And gain back what you have sold
'Cause inside of everything-There is an endless sea
That churns your thoughts into-Assimilated ruin
And what will happen then-When you look back my friend
And those who prosecute-Are on the hunt for you
And
I see it now
What lies inside
Did you believe me
Cause I tried
So take a ride, inside my mind
Step inside
CINQUAIN
By Cherokee128
Stallion
Brave, Wild, and Free
Protecting his only
mares
He makes me feel as wild
as he
Strong Horse
***************************
CLASSIFIEDS
Wanted: Gold toilet out
of Jennem's bathroom. Call LB@SOS
Personal: Woman looking
for a man with good looks. Must know how to cook masterpieces. Must be able to
have intelligent conversations. AND like to take long walks on beach. Mirille 555 678 2345
Lost: One hundred teeth.
Must have by Sunday's mass.
For Sale: Elegant glass
marbles. Call Anom-alie @ 567 799 0987
Personal: friendly
female with lots of cats looking for someone to have tea with on Sunday
afternoons. call Mrs. Nezbit @ 697 088 5860
