STREETS OF SEATTLE
(date withheld), 2019
http://pages.prodigy.net/jennem
To our readers: The stories appearing in today's STREETS OF
SEATTLE have been cleared by the U.S. Army under the provisions of the Martial
Law Declaration of 2009 and the National Emergency Declaration of 2010.
Editor in Chief: Jennem1
Senior Editor: Daf9
Managing Editor:
Samcrazy
Chief Reporter:
Weirdarchive
Chief Financial Officer:
Logans_Babe
Opinions Editor:
Shnapzie
Contributing Reporter:
April (X5422)
Contributing Reporter:
Codthecell2
Contributing Reporter:
Jrt_Owned
Contributing Reporter:
Iluveyesonly
Contributing Reporter:
Sportzgirl16
Contributing Reporter:
Jame (Midnighblaze)
Contributing Reporter:
DCRacing
********************
LOCAL NEWS
NOW THAT COFFEE IS $5.00 A CUP, IS AA UNCAFFEINATED?
By Daf9
Since Seattle's water
has become undrinkable and the price of coffee and tea has topped $5.00 a cup,
many of our readers have been turning to alcohol. In fact, some of them report
that the quality of our writing has improved significantly since they started
consuming SOS editions with a glass of pre-Pulse wine or a snifter of pre-Pulse
port. However, this raises an interesting question - if you can't drink alcohol
what DO you drink? And in particular, what do they serve at Alcoholics
Anonymous meetings?
Having expressed concern
at the nature of some of DAF9's recent articles (and the pile of empty beer
bottles blocking the entrance to her office) Editor-in-Chief Jennem1 assigned
DAF9 to attend AA meetings across Seattle and report back to you, the readers,
the answer to how recovering alcoholics are quenching their thirst.
Careful research
revealed five regularly held AA meetings within the confines of the city of
Seattle.
There is a meeting every
Thursday at 10 PM held in the offices at Father Destry's church
A meeting is held every
Monday morning at the burning trash barrel in South Market.
Wednesday afternoons
between 2 and 4 PM AA members congregate in the parking lot out back of Fogle
Towers, beside the battered blue Aztec.
A fourth regular meeting
occurs Tuesday and Friday mornings in front of the washing machines at the
Vogelsang Laundromat.
And finally there is a
meeting at the Italian embassy that starts at midnight on Saturday and goes to
the "wee small hours" as they say.
Curiously, the same
thing is served at every meeting. Carrot and papaya juice slurpees served with
a lime twist and a drizzle of Hershey chocolate.
The Italian embassy
experimented briefly with replacing the carrot juice with extra virgin olive
oil but thieves kept stealing the bottles.
Naturally this reporter
made inquiries as to how this particular beverage was adopted as the
alcoholics' alternative. Nobody I talked to knows. But if any of our readers
have the answer and would care to enlighten us here at Streets of Seattle
please write a letter to the Editor and address it to the attention of DAF9.
TOO MUCH TOO YOUNG
By Jame (Midnighblaze)
Whatever happened to the days when
kids were kids?
Nowadays children as young as ten or
eleven are drinking heavily. Due to underdeveloped livers and internal organs
their bodies can not cope with the strain of an excess of poison to their
systems. Not only is drinking thought of as the 'cool' thing to do but there is
the unhelpful fact that alcohol is readily available and inexpensive as certain
types (especially beer) are in surplus.
Not only are rich twelve-year-old
children stumbling around the streets at midnight but homeless streetkids are
being lead to riots and illegal activities by influential elders. Due to the
fact the alcohol impairs judgment these adolescents have no idea what they are
doing until they wake up in lock-down the next morning.
A large production company (wishing to
remain anonymous) that I talked to for a few minutes over the phone (before
they threatened legal action if I didn't 'get my blubbering @ss off the line')
said; "Kids are allowed to drink. We didn't make the law. Alcohol is good
for you…"
Rumor has it that large corporations
like this one did have influence in completely deleting the legal drinking age.
Readers should also note that alcohol has more negative effects than that
spokesperson suggested.
Education is the way to go – wouldn't
you think? Unfortunately there are no current programs in place.
"The kids know its bad for them,
but in a sinking country like ours self-esteem is at an all-time-low… What's
the point of educating them is they refuse to learn?" Mrs. Cate of a local
high school argued.
After attending a session of
Alcoholics Anonymous I was almost ready to give up on this story and hit the
bar.
"I let my kids drink." Cries
Miriam, a fifty-year-old widow and alcoholic, "After Benny was jailed for
murder and Kelly jumped off the second story I turned to drink myself. She was
only fourteen!" Was alcohol part of this devastation? It would appear so,
AA spokesperson Jim Daggs tells me; "This country is a [disgrace] No one
cares 'nymore. I don't care 'nymore…" (Please note: Jim's statement was
carefully retrieved amongst a lot of slurring and stuttering.)
Penny, a fifteen-year-old High School
dropout talks to me after a bribe of cheap beer.
"Us teenagers we ain't got much
going, you know? Drinkin' is like escape 'cos none of us can afford [censored]
anymore. It makes ya happy and with all of this sh*t happening today we'll be
dead soon one way or 'nother." Jobless and penniless the way Penny is
drinking she will kill herself long before anyone/thing else will, John, a
doctor from a large public hospital confirms.
"In the last week we alone have
had twenty alcohol related deaths, over half of which were kids between the
ages of eight and fifteen. It's sickening to see them throwing their futures
away. I don't know why someone isn't doing something about it!"
Government officials refuse to comment
on the situation and it is most likely that the drinking age will stay deleted
until someone wakes them up.
For now, I'm going to hit the bar. And
remember kids: Drink is Bad.
PAINTING THE SPACE NEEDLE
By April (X5422)
Seattle, Washington - The Space Needle has become the object of many dares in the
last few months. The challenge is to climb to the top of the Space Needle and
paint one's name . The number of reported cases is rising each and every day.
Since March 17, 2020,
there have been twenty reports of individuals seen climbing the Space Needle.
Five of these attempts have resulted in death. The most recent of these deaths
occurred on July 31. A young man, Phillip Young, fell to his death while trying
to paint his girlfriends name at the top of the Needle.
Currently the Sector
Police are not doing anything to control this problem; in spite of the five
deaths that have resulted so far. I tried to contact the Chief of Police but
his secretary would not put me through.
How many more must die
before the police in this city will take action and do something to stop it?
Please contact your local police station and express your concerns about this
problem. With enough pressure from the public, the police might try and put a
halt to these dangerous dares.
UNDER NEW MANAGEMENT:
By Daf9
Vogelsang's Private
Investigations and Laundromat, which closed last year due to the sudden death
of the owner/operator, will re-open this Saturday under new management. Bearing
in mind the fate of the previous owner, the new owners wish to remain
anonymous. In addition to seeking missing persons and undertaking
investigations into financial wrong-doings, the new and improved agency has
added dry-cleaning and fur storage to its repertoire of services. Each new
customer to the investigation agency will be allowed to wash and dry one load
of laundry without charge. In addition, depending upon the final cost of your
investigation, you will receive stamps redeemable for dry cleaning services.
********************
EDITORIAL
COMMUNITY STILL COUNTS
By Samcrazy
With the huge amount of
death and corruption in this city, it seems that the Pulse has truly destroyed
everything that this nation once held so dear, leaving nothing good in this
state to look to as an achievement.
But recently there has
been a break in the normal pattern of everyday life in Seattle. The local school and residents in the
outskirts have pulled together to raise over $300 for the old library in the
area to be repainted and refurbished. And it seems that the council has used this happy event to improve its
image, by fronting the costs for totally reconstructing the small, rundown
building chosen for location for the new one.
We interviewed the head
of the funds dept., Ms. F. Kiergigle. "We felt that the children who have grown up in this troublesome
time needs something to look forward to doing everyday, and having a warm,
welcoming environment in go into to read seemed the best thing to do. When we were first approached by the head of
the school board and he told us the idea, we immediately said yes."
The project will be
completed in two months time, all thanks to volunteers in the area. The first step is to repair the walls, and
place the roof, and lay down flooring. The whole plumbing system is being replaced, and a new bathroom is being
written into the plans. Officials have
checked out the electrics already, and they are said to be fine and safe.
Then it is up to the
children and parents to decide what paint colors and seating is to be put
in. The most important part is then to
be decided. The books are being
compiled as you read this article by people all over Seattle, old and new are
accepted.
It seems that in every
cloud is a silver lining, and in this time of sadness and despair the community
has finally awoken to the fact that they have to improve their lives, not just
for them, but also for future generations.
LETTERS TO THE EDITOR
Dear Managing Editor,
Streets of Seattle
We read with great
interest your recent article about your organization's use of our competitor's
digital locators. It would appear to us as it undoubtedly does to you that the
biggest problem with their system is the employer time that must be spent
monitoring employee activities. Do you as an employer REALLY want to be sitting
in front of a computer screen when you could be on a beach in the Bahamas? A second
major problem with DLs is the investment of company resources in employing
re-locators to escort your regular employees from wherever they have wandered
off to back to their jobs. To simultaneously circumvent both these problems we
at S&M Systems have come up with the Electronic Educator. This is a
modification of the old "Invisible Fence" system used back in the
last century to keep your dog from leaving your yard. We implant an electronic
device into each employee. The device is programmed as often as necessary to
define exactly where you expect each employee to be at any given time. No
monitoring is necessary because if the
employee is not where he or she is supposed to be the device will deliver an
"unpleasant" electronic shock. Our doctors have assured us that the
resulting ugly bruises and occasional seizures cause no permanent harm to your
employees.
If your organization is
interested in trying out our product we offer a 30 day free trial period.
Please feel free to contact me at the number below and pass this letter on to
any of your colleagues who might be interested in our system. We have a program whereby for every new client who
provides your name as a reference you receive a 10% discount on each Electronic
Educator you order.
I look forward to
hearing from you.
Markie de Sade
Editor's note: I am
indeed very interested in this modified 'electronic fence' system. However, I
would like to draw to your attention that the employer, in this case the lovely
Jennem1, in fact spent little time watching the tagged reporters and more time
raiding Daf9's office for pencils and pens. This experiment only served to
amuse her for 30 minutes approx. and she only turned the screen on when I was
in the room or when someone was trying to steal her coffee supplies.
Though I am interested
in purchasing a dozen of your chips and perhaps a method of injecting them into certain people without them
realizing. It would be very
entertaining to observe these electric shocks administered to the SOS team.
However, I would lose the option of watching where the people of the 'Streets'
go when they are wasting time. Samcrazy, Managing editor
Dear Editor
I witnessed that food fight on South Market Street that was described in
JOX5's article. It was every bit as bad as your reporter described it and
could have been even worse! Luckily a fashion challenged actor named
Michael Weatherly didn't pass through South Market until AFTER the police had
already dispersed the rioters. If Mr. Sketchy's less than appealing attire
caused a reaction, Lord only KNOWS how the crowd would have reacted to Mr.
Weatherly.
Shops at Saks
Dear Editor,
How can you call yourself a REAL paper when you have no comics?
Just wondering in Seattle
Dear Editor,
Your staff is a bunch of lazy bums that might even rival my own workers, and
if these electronic tags that SAMCRAZY wrote about can keep you guys in
line, outfitting my crew with them might actually force them to get some work
done around here.
Reagan Ronald
PS: If I were you, I'd seriously consider an Operation Clean Sweep and get rid
of your shiftless employees.
********************
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********************
ENTERTAINMENT
BOARD GAMES, ZERO TECH TOYS MAKING A COMEBACK!
By Weirdarchive
Remember those old
pre-Pulse commercials with the newest XBox and Playstation 2 games and how they
all said this was the wave of the future? Well, it is 2020 and the hottest game
in town is...Chutes and Ladders? That's right, the good old days are back as
board games from Candyland to Monopoly are selling out like hotcakes to a
population bored crazy and too broke to score even the refurbished Gameboys and
Sega Genesis 16-bit consoles.
This latest retro craze
started in 2015, after law and order was finally reestablished throughout
America (save for the Disputed Zones and Alaska.). Television services were
still sporadic. VCRs and DVDs were largely out of action. Movie theaters became
either expensive or hotbeds for revolutionaries. The remaining video arcades
fell to the hands of the gang lords. Libraries were being used as command
centers or free fire zones. Basically, a large part of the population were
getting bored and stir crazy and the Military Command couldn't afford the jail
space or the bullets. An emotional crisis of epidemic level was being
brewed...until salvation came in the form of a Parker Brothers sale representative.
Parker Brothers managed
to survive the Pulse and the economic chaos with minor damage to their assets.
They wanted to do their part for the reconstruction of America. Their idea was
simple: have the Military Exchanges and selected areas sell the most beloved
board and card games like Uno, Monopoly, Sorry!, Clue, and Yahtzee! for a mere
faction of the original pre-Pulse price. The people would buy up the games and
amuse themselves, thus keeping a potential security risk from getting out of
hand. The Military Civil Commission took to the idea like a shot, and in 2016
the first post-Pulse board games became available for the public. Eager
civilians, wanting for entertainment, bought out truckloads of games. Not only
were the old favorites were being sold, but also other low and zero tech toys
like teddy bears, rollerblades, bikes, ping pongs, toy trains, and plastic
bats. (Due to security concerns, some items were kept from the public. Jacks,
marbles, and Louisville Slugger bats were prohibited for their potential lethal
use by terrorist cells.) In just one year, Parker Brothers Toys Unlimited
recovered its losses from the Pulse and made a 120,000% profit at the relocated
Wall Street Stock Exchange in Montreal, Quebec. The money was then used to
modernize the surviving plants and created variations of the old games such as
a version of Monopoly with post Pulse deflated currency and the famous
Patchwork Teddy.
Right now, the highest
selling board games are Monopoly (both pre and post Pulse version), Candyland,
Mystery Date, Clue, Boggle, and Sorry. Plans are being made to introduce a
post-Pulse version of Life!, Payday, and Risk with the world's map redrawn to
fit the political changes in the Middle East, South America, and of course
Alaska. Delivery date for these games is set for late October, just in time for
Christmas rush.
LIFE IMITATES ART
By Daf9
I was at a movie theater
this weekend where I happened to catch several episodes of an old TV show
titled "Dark Angel". The parallels between that show and our city
today are almost unbelievable. First the show takes place in Seattle. Well
that's no biggy, it had to be set somewhere; and it's not really Seattle
anyway. It was filmed in Vancouver pretending to be Seattle. But this show,
filmed between 2000 and 2005, also PREDICTED the Pulse and the economic chaos
that followed. Is that eerie? The show EVEN predicted police corruption and a
cybercomputer hacker referred to as "Eyes Only" who exposes it. Now
we know where our "Eyes Only" got his name. But before you start
thinking this is a clear example of time travel, there are some obviously
fictional elements in the TV show. The most notable is the existence of a
secret government organization (called Griffin or some mythological creature
like that) that had cloned human beings to create super human soldiers. In the
world of this show, one of these super soldiers joins forces with "Eyes
Only" to fight the good fight. I'll wager that our own "Eyes
Only" wishes he or she had such a colleague. If you want to catch Dark
Angel it is part of a retrospective titled "Hit television shows that
heralded in the millennium" showing until the end of the week at the Roxie
at Euclid and 7th. Call 555-8989 for show times.
TELEVISION
HIGHLIGHTS
This week on Jackass:
All bugs, all the time. In a special compilation edition, Jackass features
various people eating various creepy crawlies, from earthworms to grasshoppers
to a crispy fried tarantula. Production of "Jackass" moved to Canada,
along with the rest of MTV, in 2010. Once again, we're seeing the inevitable
culture class. In Canada, eating insects is a joke. Here in Seattle, it's
protein. Jennem1
AN
IRON CHEF SPEICAL: RUMBLE IN FAIRBANKS!
It just had to happen. The President of the rogue state known as the Republic
of Alaska, 'Governor' William Hodges, challenged both the Gourmet Academy and
the American cultural blockade to a contest of epic proportions. The Four Iron
Chefs (Chinese, French, Italian, and Japanese) and Alaska's own top wizards of
the kitchen (Chinese, French, Italian, and 'Native Inuit Cuisine') will fight
out in grand style at the newly constructed Fairbanks Television Studios with
Chairman Kaga The Second and the Countess Emerald holding court. Four matches
will take place with a final tag team event with the two winning Iron Chefs and
Alaskan challengers. Judges will be from the cream of Japanese society and
members of the Alaskan People's Assembly. While the theme ingredients will not
be revealed until the start of each battle, the Chairman has decided to allow
extensive use of Alaskan products and foods fresh from the Nome hydroponic
gardens for the matches on the request of the 'Governor'. As usual, Melvin
Fritz, Dr. Jason Ishinabe of the Hattori School of Nutrition, and Frankie
Powers will provide color commentary and play-by-play in this spectacle of
cooking skills and mastery of the senses. To be aired live at 8 PM on Canadian
Broadcasting and replayed tomorrow at 8 PM on Seattle's Public Broadcasting
Network. Running time: 3 hours. Weirdarchive
********************
FEATURES
ODDITIES
By Logans_Babe
The toga is coming back
and with flare. With everyone practically penniless,
it is no wonder. To make
a toga, just take any old curtain, sheet, or large piece of fabric and wrap it securely around
yourself. Voila An outfit suited
for...well, post-pulse Seattle survivors!
By Codthecell2
The flood of sorrow-Wont stop, the
storm grows
I'll go
The winds are calling-But my soul has fallen
Drawn in
Seasons chases-As time erases-Faceless
I stumble onto the idolized, the meek, the untrue
Your self styled-That superchrist in
you
Is an empty shrine-That's just one part of you
The gates of treason-Slam shut and
without reason
They gather unto chosen gods that failed them in
their youth
The tears that they shed-Stain truth their souls lost
Left dead
Interests binding-Trudging on we leave there finding
The self-styled-The superchrist in you
Its an empty shrine
That's just ONE part of you
Now all is hollow-I drank from the
flood of sorrow
Those waters rage free But I find they cannot
Cleanse me
The things I'm dreaming-Are so pale it leaves me
Seething
All is hollow, and when did I become that shallow
DTM
By Logans_Babe
D- DREAMS that I have of you
T-TWIGHLIGHT is when I
think of you most
M- how MUCH I love you
By Codthecell2
Too many trips and
not enough time
To expect coherent rhyme
And the glow on the meadow, is a cheap Gods ghetto
and the sky is as gray as a dime
Picture like stillness sets in like an
illness
And everyone flocks and hopes to fill this
But you cant _ _CK with Jesus, He'll supposedly free us
Honestly I've never seen him
I've dreamed him
The time flies but I have no fun
Six beers and my _SS is done
I keep searching for the perfect wife but instead I get a hoodrat
And this semi charmed life
It's so sad I was just a fad, blown away yesterday like my worthless dad
But in the end who's your friend-Who can you trust
If you leave a friendship on the stove its bound to rust
Time's always passing-And seems so
everlasting
In the altered frames of your mind
But the truth that you're seeking will always be creeping
Into those places you dare not to find
and all we can do
Is wait my friend
for the bitter end
and all we can do
Is hope to say
We'll see another day
REFLECTION
By
Sportzgirl16
I've walked so long.
It seems hard to go on now.
With so many paths to take,
it seems like the choice is never ending.
********************
ADVICE
Dear He Said/She Said,
I am a mother of 7 and grandmother
of 15. Recently my oldest daughter but one told me that one of my grandsons (I
think its Billy or possibly Marcus) has been diagnosed with some disease with a
complicated name. She wants me to get pregnant by in vitro fertilization so
that the embryo can be harvested for stem cells to cure my grandson. I am the
only one in the family with a compatible genetic make-up. But I am torn. My
pastor tells me this is very wrong...but my daughter and the rest of my family
say they won't ever speak to me again if I don't do it. What should I do?
Worried grandmother and
Christian
Dear worried
grandmother,
You go ahead with the
procedure. The illness is real, the family strife is real. We won't find out if
religion is real until long after this dilemma is settled. Live in the here and
now and let the future stay in the future.
Dear He Said/She Said,
Lately I've seen someone
standing on the space needle. Should I call the Seattle PD?
From, ISeeSomeone
Dear Isee,
Should you call the
police? Depends, how good is your aim? If it's not that good, then either use a thermonuclear device...or call
the Seattle PD.
Dear He Said/She Said,
My teacher is always
telling me to think outside of the box. How do I tell her I *like* the box?
Anonymous Squared.
Dear A2,
This is post-Pulse
Seattle. Of course you like the box. 50% of our citizens are currently living in boxes. Your teacher has no right to belittle your
home. Show her a picture of a
refrigerator carton, tell her you live in it, and I'm guessing she's quiet down
real quick.
Dear He said/She Said:
I'm afraid of the dark.
So afraid, I can't get out of bed at night, even to go to the bathroom. Help!
What shall I do! Even if I have lights on, I know the dark is out there!
Wet and Alone
Dear Wet and Alone,
Although the dark is out
there, so is the light. It's always
light somewhere in the world. Buy
yourself a chart of time zones, memorize it, and convince yourself you're a high-speed
world traveler. Alcohol, herbal
gummies, or hypnosis might help with the process.
Dear He Said/She Said:
I'm in a relationship
with a man who never sleeps. Really, I swear, we've lived together for 6 months
and I've seen him sleep maybe 10 nights altogether. He's a construction worker,
so I don't think he's sleeping on the job. I suspect there are drugs involved.
Should I try using one of those home drug testing kits on him?
Sincerely,
Living with Sleepless in
Seattle
Dear Living with
Sleepless,
Does he have any
suspicious tattoos? Like, perhaps, a barcode tattoo. There is a...uh...cult I
have heard of that has people who never sleep and have barcodes. If he does
have a barcode, run like hell and get out of the city. Tell loverboy get out
too. In fact, I think I should also.
Dear He Said/She Said:
I have a problem. We have rats in our
apartment. I, being a normal human being, hates rats. I want them dead and
gone. They eat our groceries, they poop on the sofa, they're disgusting, filthy
creatures.
My roommate, on the
other hand, gives each rat a name as soon as it's spotted and then tells me we
can't eliminate it because it's a pet.
I'd write more but
there's a rat chewing my pen. Please help.
Sincerely,
Rodent's Roommate
Dear Rodents Roommate
Get a cockroach. One of
those new genetically enhanced roaches that all the high class Asian pet stores
are selling. It will scare the tail off your rat... and with any luck your
roommate will move out.
Just be sure to plant
some crumbs in his or her suitcase before he/she leaves so the roach will
depart at the same time.
Dear He Said/She Said,
During the latest toilet paper shortage, I
was forced to utilize back issues of Streets of Seattle. Unfortunately, the ink
came off and now I"m left with several editorials printed on my backside,
which won't come off.
I've just become
involved in a new relationship, and I don't know how to explain this to my
girlfriend. Any advice?
Sincerely,
The Back Page
Dear Back Page,
It would be easier to
answer your question if we knew exactly which editorials you are wearing.
However, based on the information you've provided I would go with government
conspiracy. Everyone knows that both the civilian and military governments are
famous for their random acts of totally irrational behavior. Tell your
girlfriend you were coming home late one night from volunteering at the local
soup kitchen when you were accosted by several FBI agents who took you
blindfolded to a dark room where they tattooed SOS editorials on your backside.
Having been sworn to secrecy you can't explain it any further than that.
********************
CLASSIFIEDS
FOR SALE: One diamond
ring, complete with finger. Call 7657380423611, ask for Tacoma Bleed.
FOR SALE: One gallon jugs of spring water
from the Appalachian Mountains. $6.99 per jug. Limited quantities. Call
56982314853245 ext. 45892.
Personal: Looking for
nice looking female that can turn a blind eye to anything illegal. Jake @ the
gun shop
Found: Big black hummer
with lots of guns. I want a good price for it. Sketchy @ JP
Wanted: Cages. I'm in
great need of large cages 4'x 4' or larger. I'm also in need of
Restraints-handcuffs-ankleshackles-thumbcuffs-chain-tieraps and any kind a
face/mouth muzzle. Come on by the pier and "Lets make a deal"!!! I
have cash, gas, food, wine, smokes and I even have Penicillin! and a few
bottles of good old A100!!! kills crabs and lice on contact!!
Man looking for man's
best friend. Doesn't have to be alive, but it should be stuffed if dead.
Wanted: Used Pizza. Any
toppings, including mold.
For sale: 45 pounds of
Tupperware in ghastly colors. Will PAY any takers 25 cents a pound!
