Dear Managing Editor, Streets of Seattle

STREETS OF SEATTLE

(date withheld), 2019

http://pages.prodigy.net/jennem

To our readers: The stories appearing in today's STREETS OF SEATTLE have been cleared by the U.S. Army under the provisions of the Martial Law Declaration of 2009 and the National Emergency Declaration of 2010.

Editor in Chief: Jennem1

Senior Editor: Daf9

Managing Editor: Samcrazy

Chief Reporter: Weirdarchive

Chief Financial Officer: Logans_Babe

Opinions Editor: Shnapzie

Contributing Reporter: April (X5422)

Contributing Reporter: Codthecell2

Contributing Reporter: Jrt_Owned

Contributing Reporter: Iluveyesonly

Contributing Reporter: Sportzgirl16

Contributing Reporter: Jame (Midnighblaze)

Contributing Reporter: DCRacing

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LOCAL NEWS

NOW THAT COFFEE IS $5.00 A CUP, IS AA UNCAFFEINATED?

By Daf9

Since Seattle's water has become undrinkable and the price of coffee and tea has topped $5.00 a cup, many of our readers have been turning to alcohol. In fact, some of them report that the quality of our writing has improved significantly since they started consuming SOS editions with a glass of pre-Pulse wine or a snifter of pre-Pulse port. However, this raises an interesting question - if you can't drink alcohol what DO you drink? And in particular, what do they serve at Alcoholics Anonymous meetings?

Having expressed concern at the nature of some of DAF9's recent articles (and the pile of empty beer bottles blocking the entrance to her office) Editor-in-Chief Jennem1 assigned DAF9 to attend AA meetings across Seattle and report back to you, the readers, the answer to how recovering alcoholics are quenching their thirst.

Careful research revealed five regularly held AA meetings within the confines of the city of Seattle.

There is a meeting every Thursday at 10 PM held in the offices at Father Destry's church

A meeting is held every Monday morning at the burning trash barrel in South Market.

Wednesday afternoons between 2 and 4 PM AA members congregate in the parking lot out back of Fogle Towers, beside the battered blue Aztec.

A fourth regular meeting occurs Tuesday and Friday mornings in front of the washing machines at the Vogelsang Laundromat.

And finally there is a meeting at the Italian embassy that starts at midnight on Saturday and goes to the "wee small hours" as they say.

Curiously, the same thing is served at every meeting. Carrot and papaya juice slurpees served with a lime twist and a drizzle of Hershey chocolate.

The Italian embassy experimented briefly with replacing the carrot juice with extra virgin olive oil but thieves kept stealing the bottles.

Naturally this reporter made inquiries as to how this particular beverage was adopted as the alcoholics' alternative. Nobody I talked to knows. But if any of our readers have the answer and would care to enlighten us here at Streets of Seattle please write a letter to the Editor and address it to the attention of DAF9.

TOO MUCH TOO YOUNG

By Jame (Midnighblaze)

Whatever happened to the days when kids were kids?

Nowadays children as young as ten or eleven are drinking heavily. Due to underdeveloped livers and internal organs their bodies can not cope with the strain of an excess of poison to their systems. Not only is drinking thought of as the 'cool' thing to do but there is the unhelpful fact that alcohol is readily available and inexpensive as certain types (especially beer) are in surplus.

Not only are rich twelve-year-old children stumbling around the streets at midnight but homeless streetkids are being lead to riots and illegal activities by influential elders. Due to the fact the alcohol impairs judgment these adolescents have no idea what they are doing until they wake up in lock-down the next morning.

A large production company (wishing to remain anonymous) that I talked to for a few minutes over the phone (before they threatened legal action if I didn't 'get my blubbering @ss off the line') said; "Kids are allowed to drink. We didn't make the law. Alcohol is good for you…"

Rumor has it that large corporations like this one did have influence in completely deleting the legal drinking age. Readers should also note that alcohol has more negative effects than that spokesperson suggested.

Education is the way to go – wouldn't you think? Unfortunately there are no current programs in place.

"The kids know its bad for them, but in a sinking country like ours self-esteem is at an all-time-low… What's the point of educating them is they refuse to learn?" Mrs. Cate of a local high school argued.

After attending a session of Alcoholics Anonymous I was almost ready to give up on this story and hit the bar.

"I let my kids drink." Cries Miriam, a fifty-year-old widow and alcoholic, "After Benny was jailed for murder and Kelly jumped off the second story I turned to drink myself. She was only fourteen!" Was alcohol part of this devastation? It would appear so, AA spokesperson Jim Daggs tells me; "This country is a [disgrace] No one cares 'nymore. I don't care 'nymore…" (Please note: Jim's statement was carefully retrieved amongst a lot of slurring and stuttering.)

Penny, a fifteen-year-old High School dropout talks to me after a bribe of cheap beer.

"Us teenagers we ain't got much going, you know? Drinkin' is like escape 'cos none of us can afford [censored] anymore. It makes ya happy and with all of this sh*t happening today we'll be dead soon one way or 'nother." Jobless and penniless the way Penny is drinking she will kill herself long before anyone/thing else will, John, a doctor from a large public hospital confirms.

"In the last week we alone have had twenty alcohol related deaths, over half of which were kids between the ages of eight and fifteen. It's sickening to see them throwing their futures away. I don't know why someone isn't doing something about it!"

Government officials refuse to comment on the situation and it is most likely that the drinking age will stay deleted until someone wakes them up.

For now, I'm going to hit the bar. And remember kids: Drink is Bad.

PAINTING THE SPACE NEEDLE

By April (X5422)

Seattle, Washington - The Space Needle has become the object of many dares in the last few months. The challenge is to climb to the top of the Space Needle and paint one's name . The number of reported cases is rising each and every day.

Since March 17, 2020, there have been twenty reports of individuals seen climbing the Space Needle. Five of these attempts have resulted in death. The most recent of these deaths occurred on July 31. A young man, Phillip Young, fell to his death while trying to paint his girlfriends name at the top of the Needle.

Currently the Sector Police are not doing anything to control this problem; in spite of the five deaths that have resulted so far. I tried to contact the Chief of Police but his secretary would not put me through.

How many more must die before the police in this city will take action and do something to stop it? Please contact your local police station and express your concerns about this problem. With enough pressure from the public, the police might try and put a halt to these dangerous dares.

UNDER NEW MANAGEMENT:

By Daf9

Vogelsang's Private Investigations and Laundromat, which closed last year due to the sudden death of the owner/operator, will re-open this Saturday under new management. Bearing in mind the fate of the previous owner, the new owners wish to remain anonymous. In addition to seeking missing persons and undertaking investigations into financial wrong-doings, the new and improved agency has added dry-cleaning and fur storage to its repertoire of services. Each new customer to the investigation agency will be allowed to wash and dry one load of laundry without charge. In addition, depending upon the final cost of your investigation, you will receive stamps redeemable for dry cleaning services.

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EDITORIAL

COMMUNITY STILL COUNTS

By Samcrazy

With the huge amount of death and corruption in this city, it seems that the Pulse has truly destroyed everything that this nation once held so dear, leaving nothing good in this state to look to as an achievement.

But recently there has been a break in the normal pattern of everyday life in Seattle. The local school and residents in the outskirts have pulled together to raise over $300 for the old library in the area to be repainted and refurbished. And it seems that the council has used this happy event to improve its image, by fronting the costs for totally reconstructing the small, rundown building chosen for location for the new one.

We interviewed the head of the funds dept., Ms. F. Kiergigle. "We felt that the children who have grown up in this troublesome time needs something to look forward to doing everyday, and having a warm, welcoming environment in go into to read seemed the best thing to do. When we were first approached by the head of the school board and he told us the idea, we immediately said yes."

The project will be completed in two months time, all thanks to volunteers in the area. The first step is to repair the walls, and place the roof, and lay down flooring. The whole plumbing system is being replaced, and a new bathroom is being written into the plans. Officials have checked out the electrics already, and they are said to be fine and safe.

Then it is up to the children and parents to decide what paint colors and seating is to be put in. The most important part is then to be decided. The books are being compiled as you read this article by people all over Seattle, old and new are accepted.

It seems that in every cloud is a silver lining, and in this time of sadness and despair the community has finally awoken to the fact that they have to improve their lives, not just for them, but also for future generations.

LETTERS TO THE EDITOR

Dear Managing Editor, Streets of Seattle

We read with great interest your recent article about your organization's use of our competitor's digital locators. It would appear to us as it undoubtedly does to you that the biggest problem with their system is the employer time that must be spent monitoring employee activities. Do you as an employer REALLY want to be sitting in front of a computer screen when you could be on a beach in the Bahamas? A second major problem with DLs is the investment of company resources in employing re-locators to escort your regular employees from wherever they have wandered off to back to their jobs. To simultaneously circumvent both these problems we at S&M Systems have come up with the Electronic Educator. This is a modification of the old "Invisible Fence" system used back in the last century to keep your dog from leaving your yard. We implant an electronic device into each employee. The device is programmed as often as necessary to define exactly where you expect each employee to be at any given time. No monitoring is necessary because if the employee is not where he or she is supposed to be the device will deliver an "unpleasant" electronic shock. Our doctors have assured us that the resulting ugly bruises and occasional seizures cause no permanent harm to your employees.

If your organization is interested in trying out our product we offer a 30 day free trial period. Please feel free to contact me at the number below and pass this letter on to any of your colleagues who might be interested in our system. We have a program whereby for every new client who provides your name as a reference you receive a 10% discount on each Electronic Educator you order.

I look forward to hearing from you.

Markie de Sade

Editor's note: I am indeed very interested in this modified 'electronic fence' system. However, I would like to draw to your attention that the employer, in this case the lovely Jennem1, in fact spent little time watching the tagged reporters and more time raiding Daf9's office for pencils and pens. This experiment only served to amuse her for 30 minutes approx. and she only turned the screen on when I was in the room or when someone was trying to steal her coffee supplies.

Though I am interested in purchasing a dozen of your chips and perhaps a method of injecting them into certain people without them realizing. It would be very entertaining to observe these electric shocks administered to the SOS team. However, I would lose the option of watching where the people of the 'Streets' go when they are wasting time. Samcrazy, Managing editor

Dear Editor
I witnessed that food fight on South Market Street that was described in
JOX5's article. It was every bit as bad as your reporter described it and could have been even worse! Luckily a fashion challenged actor named Michael Weatherly didn't pass through South Market until AFTER the police had already dispersed the rioters. If Mr. Sketchy's less than appealing attire caused a reaction, Lord only KNOWS how the crowd would have reacted to Mr. Weatherly.
Shops at Saks

Dear Editor,
How can you call yourself a REAL paper when you have no comics?
Just wondering in Seattle

Dear Editor,
Your staff is a bunch of lazy bums that might even rival my own workers, and
if these electronic tags that SAMCRAZY wrote about can keep you guys in line, outfitting my crew with them might actually force them to get some work done around here.
Reagan Ronald
PS: If I were you, I'd seriously consider an Operation Clean Sweep and get rid of your shiftless employees.

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ADVERTISEMENT

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ENTERTAINMENT

BOARD GAMES, ZERO TECH TOYS MAKING A COMEBACK!

By Weirdarchive

Remember those old pre-Pulse commercials with the newest XBox and Playstation 2 games and how they all said this was the wave of the future? Well, it is 2020 and the hottest game in town is...Chutes and Ladders? That's right, the good old days are back as board games from Candyland to Monopoly are selling out like hotcakes to a population bored crazy and too broke to score even the refurbished Gameboys and Sega Genesis 16-bit consoles.

This latest retro craze started in 2015, after law and order was finally reestablished throughout America (save for the Disputed Zones and Alaska.). Television services were still sporadic. VCRs and DVDs were largely out of action. Movie theaters became either expensive or hotbeds for revolutionaries. The remaining video arcades fell to the hands of the gang lords. Libraries were being used as command centers or free fire zones. Basically, a large part of the population were getting bored and stir crazy and the Military Command couldn't afford the jail space or the bullets. An emotional crisis of epidemic level was being brewed...until salvation came in the form of a Parker Brothers sale representative.

Parker Brothers managed to survive the Pulse and the economic chaos with minor damage to their assets. They wanted to do their part for the reconstruction of America. Their idea was simple: have the Military Exchanges and selected areas sell the most beloved board and card games like Uno, Monopoly, Sorry!, Clue, and Yahtzee! for a mere faction of the original pre-Pulse price. The people would buy up the games and amuse themselves, thus keeping a potential security risk from getting out of hand. The Military Civil Commission took to the idea like a shot, and in 2016 the first post-Pulse board games became available for the public. Eager civilians, wanting for entertainment, bought out truckloads of games. Not only were the old favorites were being sold, but also other low and zero tech toys like teddy bears, rollerblades, bikes, ping pongs, toy trains, and plastic bats. (Due to security concerns, some items were kept from the public. Jacks, marbles, and Louisville Slugger bats were prohibited for their potential lethal use by terrorist cells.) In just one year, Parker Brothers Toys Unlimited recovered its losses from the Pulse and made a 120,000% profit at the relocated Wall Street Stock Exchange in Montreal, Quebec. The money was then used to modernize the surviving plants and created variations of the old games such as a version of Monopoly with post Pulse deflated currency and the famous Patchwork Teddy.

Right now, the highest selling board games are Monopoly (both pre and post Pulse version), Candyland, Mystery Date, Clue, Boggle, and Sorry. Plans are being made to introduce a post-Pulse version of Life!, Payday, and Risk with the world's map redrawn to fit the political changes in the Middle East, South America, and of course Alaska. Delivery date for these games is set for late October, just in time for Christmas rush.

LIFE IMITATES ART

By Daf9

I was at a movie theater this weekend where I happened to catch several episodes of an old TV show titled "Dark Angel". The parallels between that show and our city today are almost unbelievable. First the show takes place in Seattle. Well that's no biggy, it had to be set somewhere; and it's not really Seattle anyway. It was filmed in Vancouver pretending to be Seattle. But this show, filmed between 2000 and 2005, also PREDICTED the Pulse and the economic chaos that followed. Is that eerie? The show EVEN predicted police corruption and a cybercomputer hacker referred to as "Eyes Only" who exposes it. Now we know where our "Eyes Only" got his name. But before you start thinking this is a clear example of time travel, there are some obviously fictional elements in the TV show. The most notable is the existence of a secret government organization (called Griffin or some mythological creature like that) that had cloned human beings to create super human soldiers. In the world of this show, one of these super soldiers joins forces with "Eyes Only" to fight the good fight. I'll wager that our own "Eyes Only" wishes he or she had such a colleague. If you want to catch Dark Angel it is part of a retrospective titled "Hit television shows that heralded in the millennium" showing until the end of the week at the Roxie at Euclid and 7th. Call 555-8989 for show times.

TELEVISION HIGHLIGHTS

This week on Jackass: All bugs, all the time. In a special compilation edition, Jackass features various people eating various creepy crawlies, from earthworms to grasshoppers to a crispy fried tarantula. Production of "Jackass" moved to Canada, along with the rest of MTV, in 2010. Once again, we're seeing the inevitable culture class. In Canada, eating insects is a joke. Here in Seattle, it's protein. Jennem1

AN IRON CHEF SPEICAL: RUMBLE IN FAIRBANKS! It just had to happen. The President of the rogue state known as the Republic of Alaska, 'Governor' William Hodges, challenged both the Gourmet Academy and the American cultural blockade to a contest of epic proportions. The Four Iron Chefs (Chinese, French, Italian, and Japanese) and Alaska's own top wizards of the kitchen (Chinese, French, Italian, and 'Native Inuit Cuisine') will fight out in grand style at the newly constructed Fairbanks Television Studios with Chairman Kaga The Second and the Countess Emerald holding court. Four matches will take place with a final tag team event with the two winning Iron Chefs and Alaskan challengers. Judges will be from the cream of Japanese society and members of the Alaskan People's Assembly. While the theme ingredients will not be revealed until the start of each battle, the Chairman has decided to allow extensive use of Alaskan products and foods fresh from the Nome hydroponic gardens for the matches on the request of the 'Governor'. As usual, Melvin Fritz, Dr. Jason Ishinabe of the Hattori School of Nutrition, and Frankie Powers will provide color commentary and play-by-play in this spectacle of cooking skills and mastery of the senses. To be aired live at 8 PM on Canadian Broadcasting and replayed tomorrow at 8 PM on Seattle's Public Broadcasting Network. Running time: 3 hours. Weirdarchive

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FEATURES

ODDITIES

By Logans_Babe

The toga is coming back and with flare. With everyone practically penniless,

it is no wonder. To make a toga, just take any old curtain, sheet, or large piece of fabric and wrap it securely around yourself. Voila An outfit suited for...well, post-pulse Seattle survivors!

SELF STYLED SUPER CHRIST

By Codthecell2

The flood of sorrow-Wont stop, the storm grows
I'll go
The winds are calling-But my soul has fallen
Drawn in
Seasons chases-As time erases-Faceless
I stumble onto the idolized, the meek, the untrue

Your self styled-That superchrist in you
Is an empty shrine-That's just one part of you

The gates of treason-Slam shut and without reason
They gather unto chosen gods that failed them in
their youth
The tears that they shed-Stain truth their souls lost
Left dead
Interests binding-Trudging on we leave there finding

The self-styled-The superchrist in you
Its an empty shrine
That's just ONE part of you

Now all is hollow-I drank from the flood of sorrow
Those waters rage free But I find they cannot
Cleanse me
The things I'm dreaming-Are so pale it leaves me
Seething
All is hollow, and when did I become that shallow

DTM

By Logans_Babe

D- DREAMS that I have of you

T-TWIGHLIGHT is when I think of you most

M- how MUCH I love you

GODS GHETTO

By Codthecell2

Too many trips and not enough time
To expect coherent rhyme
And the glow on the meadow, is a cheap Gods ghetto
and the sky is as gray as a dime

Picture like stillness sets in like an illness
And everyone flocks and hopes to fill this
But you cant _ _CK with Jesus, He'll supposedly free us
Honestly I've never seen him
I've dreamed him

The time flies but I have no fun
Six beers and my _SS is done
I keep searching for the perfect wife but instead I get a hoodrat
And this semi charmed life
It's so sad I was just a fad, blown away yesterday like my worthless dad
But in the end who's your friend-Who can you trust
If you leave a friendship on the stove its bound to rust

Time's always passing-And seems so everlasting
In the altered frames of your mind
But the truth that you're seeking will always be creeping
Into those places you dare not to find

and all we can do
Is wait my friend
for the bitter end
and all we can do
Is hope to say
We'll see another day

REFLECTION

By Sportzgirl16

I've walked so long.
It seems hard to go on now.
With so many paths to take,
it seems like the choice is never ending.
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ADVICE

Dear He Said/She Said,

I am a mother of 7 and grandmother of 15. Recently my oldest daughter but one told me that one of my grandsons (I think its Billy or possibly Marcus) has been diagnosed with some disease with a complicated name. She wants me to get pregnant by in vitro fertilization so that the embryo can be harvested for stem cells to cure my grandson. I am the only one in the family with a compatible genetic make-up. But I am torn. My pastor tells me this is very wrong...but my daughter and the rest of my family say they won't ever speak to me again if I don't do it. What should I do?

Worried grandmother and Christian

Dear worried grandmother,

You go ahead with the procedure. The illness is real, the family strife is real. We won't find out if religion is real until long after this dilemma is settled. Live in the here and now and let the future stay in the future.

Dear He Said/She Said,

Lately I've seen someone standing on the space needle. Should I call the Seattle PD?

From, ISeeSomeone

Dear Isee,

Should you call the police? Depends, how good is your aim? If it's not that good, then either use a thermonuclear device...or call the Seattle PD.

Dear He Said/She Said,

My teacher is always telling me to think outside of the box. How do I tell her I *like* the box?

Anonymous Squared.

Dear A2,

This is post-Pulse Seattle. Of course you like the box. 50% of our citizens are currently living in boxes. Your teacher has no right to belittle your home. Show her a picture of a refrigerator carton, tell her you live in it, and I'm guessing she's quiet down real quick.

Dear He said/She Said:

I'm afraid of the dark. So afraid, I can't get out of bed at night, even to go to the bathroom. Help! What shall I do! Even if I have lights on, I know the dark is out there!

Wet and Alone

Dear Wet and Alone,

Although the dark is out there, so is the light. It's always light somewhere in the world. Buy yourself a chart of time zones, memorize it, and convince yourself you're a high-speed world traveler. Alcohol, herbal gummies, or hypnosis might help with the process.

Dear He Said/She Said:

I'm in a relationship with a man who never sleeps. Really, I swear, we've lived together for 6 months and I've seen him sleep maybe 10 nights altogether. He's a construction worker, so I don't think he's sleeping on the job. I suspect there are drugs involved. Should I try using one of those home drug testing kits on him?

Sincerely,

Living with Sleepless in Seattle

Dear Living with Sleepless,

Does he have any suspicious tattoos? Like, perhaps, a barcode tattoo. There is a...uh...cult I have heard of that has people who never sleep and have barcodes. If he does have a barcode, run like hell and get out of the city. Tell loverboy get out too. In fact, I think I should also.

Dear He Said/She Said:

I have a problem. We have rats in our apartment. I, being a normal human being, hates rats. I want them dead and gone. They eat our groceries, they poop on the sofa, they're disgusting, filthy creatures.

My roommate, on the other hand, gives each rat a name as soon as it's spotted and then tells me we can't eliminate it because it's a pet.

I'd write more but there's a rat chewing my pen. Please help.

Sincerely,

Rodent's Roommate

Dear Rodents Roommate

Get a cockroach. One of those new genetically enhanced roaches that all the high class Asian pet stores are selling. It will scare the tail off your rat... and with any luck your roommate will move out.

Just be sure to plant some crumbs in his or her suitcase before he/she leaves so the roach will depart at the same time.

Dear He Said/She Said,

During the latest toilet paper shortage, I was forced to utilize back issues of Streets of Seattle. Unfortunately, the ink came off and now I"m left with several editorials printed on my backside, which won't come off.

I've just become involved in a new relationship, and I don't know how to explain this to my girlfriend. Any advice?

Sincerely,

The Back Page

Dear Back Page,

It would be easier to answer your question if we knew exactly which editorials you are wearing. However, based on the information you've provided I would go with government conspiracy. Everyone knows that both the civilian and military governments are famous for their random acts of totally irrational behavior. Tell your girlfriend you were coming home late one night from volunteering at the local soup kitchen when you were accosted by several FBI agents who took you blindfolded to a dark room where they tattooed SOS editorials on your backside. Having been sworn to secrecy you can't explain it any further than that.

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CLASSIFIEDS

FOR SALE: One diamond ring, complete with finger. Call 7657380423611, ask for Tacoma Bleed.

FOR SALE: One gallon jugs of spring water from the Appalachian Mountains. $6.99 per jug. Limited quantities. Call 56982314853245 ext. 45892.

Personal: Looking for nice looking female that can turn a blind eye to anything illegal. Jake @ the gun shop

Found: Big black hummer with lots of guns. I want a good price for it. Sketchy @ JP

Wanted: Cages. I'm in great need of large cages 4'x 4' or larger. I'm also in need of Restraints-handcuffs-ankleshackles-thumbcuffs-chain-tieraps and any kind a face/mouth muzzle. Come on by the pier and "Lets make a deal"!!! I have cash, gas, food, wine, smokes and I even have Penicillin! and a few bottles of good old A100!!! kills crabs and lice on contact!!

Man looking for man's best friend. Doesn't have to be alive, but it should be stuffed if dead.

Wanted: Used Pizza. Any toppings, including mold.

For sale: 45 pounds of Tupperware in ghastly colors. Will PAY any takers 25 cents a pound!