STREETS OF SEATTLE RANDY LARSEN Jennifer Maslowski 3 11 2001-10-22T18:25:00Z 2001-10-22T18:29:00Z 10 5848 33334 RANDY & LINDA LARSEN 78848 277 66 40936 9.2720 MasterPages 6 pt 6 pt 0

STREETS OF SEATTLE

EDITION 41, 2019

To our readers: The stories appearing in today's STREETS OF SEATTLE have been cleared by the U.S. Army under the provisions of the Martial Law Declaration of 2009 and the National Emergency Declaration of 2010.

Editor in Chief:  Jennem1

Senior Editor:  Daf9

Contents Editor/Opinions Editor:  Shnapzie

HTML Editor/Promotions Editor:  Meeganpie

Managing Editor/Columns Editor:  Samcrazy

Chief Reporter:  Weirdarchive

Chief Financial Officer:  Logans_Babe

Comics:  Rojo

Contributing Reporter:  2NDMOUSEW

Contributing Reporter:  DCRRACING

Contributing Reporter:  Olgerth

LOCAL NEWS

INCREASING NUMBER OF SASQUATCH AND ALIEN SIGHTINGS AFTER FIRE, SHERIFF BAFFLED!

Not since the great UFO hysteria shortly after the Pulse has there been such panic and insanity a week after the fire that gutted the Morningside VA Hospital, rumored to be a front for the Manticore Transgenics project. The number of sightings of Bigfoot, Jersey Devils, and other urban legend myths has skyrocketed to alarming levels, forcing law enforcement to  consider enacting a Level Five Alert for reasons of public safety and to collect evidence of a possible arson.

According to reports made public by the Washington State Police, the first sightings of the infamous mad beast Bigfoot started shortly after 3 AM, approximately two hours into the inferno that was engulfing the VA Hospital. Williams Jones, an unemployed lumberjack, was with a few individuals attempting to illegally cut several lumber trees to sell on the black market when an apelike creature confronted them and gave a struggle. Despite being pelleted with a 12 Gauze shotgun blast, the creature succeed in injuring Mr. Jones and three of his cohorts as well as damaging two trucks and an untold amount of lumber equipment. At present, four men are in Intensive Care in guarded condition and under armed guard.

The next sightings were even more bizarre. A family squatting on an abandoned Wildlife Preserve reported to have seen a 'lizard man' feasting on insects on a nearby stream. When they tried to take a picture of it, he ran into the woods being chased by several 'midgets with guns making funny beeping noises' claimed one of the family members. A farmer close to the hospital who witnessed part of the fire swore several 'Moonmen' escaped the complex with guards shooting at them. The unidentified man blames the destruction of the hospital on 'dem Goddam aliens from frigging Roswell who got pissed at us for stealing their saucer secret sh*t! They got even by taking away our 'puters and now they're stealing our livers cause there's no more cows in Kansas.' The man was then led away under armed guard for possible mental observation. A more sinister sighting was the multiple mutilations of sheep some thirty miles away from the fire by a so-called 'panther woman' as one eyewitness suggested. Perhaps the most disturbing sighting to date was the raping and near-murder of Alice Taylor, an employee of the No Tel Motel, by an alleged 'werewolf'. The woman was deeply traumatized and could not describe her attacker clearly. Police will not speculate if this attack has any relationship with the sudden spurt of gang activity by members of a new group sporting barcodes on the back of their necks. "At this point," muttered one deputy, "It's all fruit loops and pebbles from here. One minute, things are dead calm and then...I thinking for moving to Seattle where it's safe. Just the usual gangbangers and thugs."

This sudden rise of bizarre behavior and odd creatures has only whet the appetites of many conspiracy buffs who believe that the VA Hospital was in fact a secret government dealing with illegal experiments in transgenics. Though the rogue cyberjournalist Eyes Only has given some credence to this theory, many legitimate authorities including those of the military government feel such stories will only promote fear and distrust, hampering efforts to find any survivors of the tragic fire and discover those who have committed the crime. So far, only the radical group known as S1W has been fingered as possible suspects. For now, most of the outlying area surrounding Morningside VA Hospital is under Level Five Security by orders of the government until further notice. All citizens still in the area are advised to stay inside their homes and encampments and not confront any strange beings having no business in the area. Officials hope to have the subject cleared up by next week.

NEW IMPROVEMENTS IN FACIAL RECOGNITION SOFTWARE YIELD CLUES IN ESTABLISHING THE IDENTITY OF "EYES ONLY"

By Daf9

Forensic pathologists at the University of Washington announced today new developments in facial recognition software that experts believe will revolutionize the utility and accuracy of this technique. In layman's terms, the new software is able to predict general facial features, age and income bracket based strictly on a PICTURE of single feature of an unknown individual. In a demonstration using "Streaming Freedom Videos" authored by cyber-hacker "Eyes Only", the scientists reached the following conclusions. "Eyes Only" is likely a young man between 28 and 35 years of age, fair skinned, handsome and wealthy. While his skin tone indicates a state of overall good health he may be suffering a recently acquired disability of some sort. Additional clues to the identity of "Eyes Only" might have been obtained from further analysis of the data but unfortunately government officials confiscated both the data and the software immediately following the news conference.

STARTLING NEWS JUST IN!  JIMMY HOFFA'S BODY FINALLY FOUND!

By Daf9

Many of our readers are probably unfamiliar with the name Jimmy Hoffa. Mr. Hoffa was a powerful and controversial leader of the Teamsters' Union from 1957 to 1971. He also had many ties to organized crime and the Mafia. In 1975 he disappeared without a trace and despite many clues that have surfaced over the years, his body had never been found. Until today. Streets of Seattle has an eyewitness account from Sharon Ellis.

"Me and Billy, my youngest were hanging around the local park, just chillin' you know when all of a sudden this strange man with a dog-like face or maybe he was a dog with a human-like body, nearly knocked Billy to the ground. I started to give him a piece of my mind but he ignored me as he began sniffing around Billy's shoes. I grabbed Billy and dragged him to a safe distance. Dog boy who was wearing a bright red scarf or something around his neck, started digging frantically right beneath that statue. You know the one I mean. [Ed. Note. Ms. Ellis was referring to the statue of Bill Gates.] After about five minutes he pulled out a bone and started gnawing on it. I was horrified to see that it was a human hand clutching a piece of paper. Naturally I was frightened but I knew my duty. I took a rolled up newspaper from my handbag and swatted the guy on the nose but he refused to drop the bone. He did however drop the paper, which I quickly retrieved and presented to the Sector Police when they arrived minutes later. Completely ruined my appetite I can tell you."

Further inquires by Streets of Seattle determined that the paper in question was a Teamsters' Union card made out to Jimmy Hoffa. Although the hand was not recovered, having been removed from the scene by the unidentified person or animal Ms. Ellis referred to as Dog-Boy, the police subsequently exhumed a body. Forensic scientists quickly identified the remains as conclusively belonging to Mr. Hoffa. Also recovered at the scene were a bright red flea collar bearing the nametag "Joshua" and the phone number of a former VA hospital near Gillette Wyoming that recently burnt to the ground. Authorities speculate that the collar and tag belong to

Dog-Boy who is currently being sought for questioning.

NATIONAL NEWS

Georgia versus the Star Wars Missile Defense Program

By Daf9

The National Missile Defense Program (abbreviated NMD but popularly known as the Star Wars program) has, as most students of political science are aware, a long and contentious history.  In theory this was supposed to be a system that would protect the US from airborne antiballistic missile attacks by identifying and exploding in-coming missiles harmlessly in the atmosphere.  In practice, it never really worked.  The only "successful" tests of the system involved missiles that were carrying electronic tracking devices.  Back in '05 when the system was first declared operational, the bill for this questionable piece of political inventiveness had already passed 500 billion dollars.  Shortly thereafter the entire project was declared a state secret and thus removed from financial or scientific oversight by the public. Many citizens believe that it was scrapped in '09 or '10; given its total ineffectiveness in dealing with the EMP that threw our country into its current state.

However after many months of intensive research we at Streets of Seattle have found an anonymous source prepared to tell us about the most recent version of the Star Wars missile defense system and how it explains President Barrows' startling announcement earlier this week.

The code name for the newest incarnation of the NMD is "Longfellow"; named after the lines from the Henry Wadsworth Longfellow poem "The Arrow and the Song".  To wit: "I shot an arrow in the air.  It fell to earth I know not where."

Curiously, it was this attempt at humor by Lieutenant (now General) Ewing Jones that led to a major breakthrough in the creation of a truly effective missile defense system.  Lieutenant Jones, at that time a procurement officer for the Air Force, was kidding around with some of his drinking buddies at the mess hall when he suggested the NMD be renamed Longfellow. Lieutenant Jones's CO happened to mention that at least the then-current missile defense system was more accurate than a Native American armed with a bow and arrows.  Lieutenant Jones, who is very proud of his Cherokee heritage took exception to this remark.  The result of the following altercation was close to 5000 dollars in damage to the mess hall and a bet by Lieutenant Jones against the rest of his platoon and ultimately the United States government that he could find a Cherokee sharpshooter whose direction of the targeting of the interceptor vehicles would out perform the military computers.

Although it initially appeared unlikely that the Ministry of Defense would allow this unorthodox test to take place, President Barrows interceded on behalf of Lieutenant Jones after it was pointed out to him that this test could be made to take place over Fort Greeley, Alaska.  The President is said to have quipped "I shot a missile in the air.  I hope it lands in Hodge's hair."  Since the President is known for his anti-death penalty stance this remark was considered somewhat unusual but Barrows refused to elaborate.

After some negotiation between Lieutenant Jones, his tribal elders and the U.S. government regarding the conditions of the test [best two out of three] and a suitable reward for the successful completion of the challenge, a day was set and an archer sharpshooter chosen.

To the mixed chagrin and delight of the Ministry of Defense the results weren't even close.  Sharpshooter 2.5 : billion dollar computers 0. The single ICBM that the Cherokee sharpshooter received only a part score for was only partially intercepted so that the missile was not destroyed but only diverted.  The President's smile said it all when he was informed that the diverted missile had landed on Governor Hodges' unoccupied summer home.  Reporters later learned that Hodges has been bald for several years now and keeps his extensive collection of hairpieces at that particular residence.

Which explains why the President announced on Monday the formation of the Independent State of Otsalanvlvi (English translation : we are all brothers and sisters), declared by Federal law to be a Cherokee homeland. The territory of Otsalanvlvi is carved out of portions of Georgia, North Carolina and Tennessee that represent part of the ancestral lands occupied by the Cherokee prior to their shameful eviction (in a forced march called "The Trail of Tears") in 1838-1839.  All non Native American residents of the area are being invited to remain but if they prefer to leave, they are strongly encouraged to emigrate to Alaska.  The federal government will release the details of its plan to reimburse relocation costs to all  Cherokee choosing to move to the newly created state next week.

MEDICAL NEWS

SECRET GOVERNMENT PROJECT TO DRIVE THE MEDICAL PROFESSION OUT OF BUSINESS

By Daf9

Last week Seattle's favorite cyber-hacker "Eyes Only" exposed a secret government project to genetically engineer human beings to produce designer-soldiers. This week one of our nameless undercover reporters has learned that the government has also been running a secret geneting engineering project.

We all know that genetic engineering is the name given to a variety of technologies that involve directed manipulation of the chromosomes or genetic material of living organisms ranging in complexity from bacteria to man. But what is geneting engineering? Many scientists this reporter talked to had never heard of the term. However after many hours involving copious quantities of caffeine and on-line computer searching [in other words accessing Google via the Internet at a local Starbucks several tantalizing references were found to an apple cultivar named "Winter Geneting".

So now the government is attempting to build a better apple?

The first question that immediately pops to mind is …why? Further research revealed this clue. "An apple a day keeps the doctor away". Ah ha! Now, it all makes sense. In an effort to cut Medicaid costs the government is genetically engineering an apple that will do away with the need for ANY medical care.

We can only speculate that "Eyes Only" has failed to expose this particular government conspiracy because he himself has a bone to pick with the medical profession. In any case, AMA beware! Your days are numbered!

[Editors Note: AMA is an acronym for the American Medical Association which is the professional association to which all accredited physicians and surgeons belong]

BLACK MARKET VITAMINS

By Shnapzie

In a back alley, two people dressed dark colors whisper to each other, eyes scanning the area methodically. One of them nods their head, and hands the other a paper sack. The recipient quickly stuffs it in his coat and passes a wad of bills to the waiting individual. As soon as the other's hand closes on the money, the one "paying" shouts "Freeze! FBI!" The operation was a  sting, and it landed firmly in the behind of Clark "Oak" Fairfield, now-exposed dealer of black market Flintstone vitamins.

This is just one example among thousands illustrating the pull these drugs have on people. After they were discontinued in 2005 once the FDA revealed the addictive compound created by it's ingredients—something like cigarettes: they taste nasty, but people ate them despite—Flintstone vitamins sold like mad on the now defunct online auction e-Bay. Soon after, the US banned the drugs, and imposed a stiff prison sentence on anyone found guilty of dabbling in that enterprise.

Flintstone vitamins and their dealers (known as YDDs—Yabba Dabba Dealers) had joined ranks with marijuana, heroin, and Cuban cigars.

Once the Pulse occurred, e-Bay inevitably crashed, and sent the YDDs scurrying into back alleys and waterfronts to conduct their business. Today, as the aforementioned incident illustrates, these dealers and their patrons are such a concern in Seattle that the FBI has recently begun setting up operations here with the intention of flushing them all out. And the FBI is the agency we know of there are rumors and speculations that even the NSA is involved.

So beware, you who need a few Fred and Barneys to get you going in the morning. Your dealings aren't quite so secret anymore. And to the rest of Seattle, remember that when you see some unusual, strange, or disturbing goings-on in law enforcement in the near future, it's just the hunt for black-market Flintstone dealers. At least, that's what they tell us.

THE SECRET BEHIND THE GOVERNMENT BAN ON THE SALE OF VITAMINS

By Daf9

A secret government document that surfaced last week reveals some surprising information providing a link between the government ban on vitamin sales and the so-called Project Manticore. As recently revealed by "Eyes Only," the US government has been engaged for a quarter of a decade in covert operations to genetically engineer superior human beings who will function as super-soldiers. It turns out that many of these super-soldiers have a flaw; a serotonin deficiency that causes seizures. The only known medical treatment for this problem is the consumption of large quantities of Tryptophan; Tryptophan being a substrate for the biosynthesis of serotonin. However, local scientists have informed us here at SOS that the Tryptophan to serotonin synthetic pathway can be diverted. Tryptophan is also a substrate for the synthesis of many of the B vitamins. Therefore in anyone suffering from a shortage of vitamin B, the body's Tryptophan will be used to make these vitamins rather than to make serotonin. Hence in individuals such as these Manticore "kids" who suffer from serotonin deficiency the lack of vitamin B will aggravate their problems.

Local scientists suggest there may be a cure however. Virtually all chemical pathways are reversible to some extent. So if tryptophan can be used to make vitamin B; vitamin B should theoretically be able to be converted to tryptophan and then to seratonin. Although this is an energetically unfavorable reaction, the genetic engineering of a new enzyme that would overcome this limitation is already in progress. A local scientist who wishes to remain anonymous suggested to us that the government has banned the sale of vitamins so as to both aggravate the seratonin deficiency in its "super-soldiers" and restrict the future availability of vitamin B when this genetically engineered enzyme becomes available.

ADVERTISEMENT

Need Money/Food? Captain Don is hiring$

The Great Captain Don is still looking for hot young girls! The holidays are just around the corner and we need sweet pretty girls for all of Captain Don's special holiday events. Its going to be cold outside; are you a runaway? Maybe a cute teen girl that wants to leave home and be a star?  Well, Captain Don's is the place for you!  Its warm inside, there's lots of food, fun and love.  Hot teen girls love Captain Don's so much that most of them never leave.  Just strut your hot self to Captain Don's by the pier, where we're open 24-7.  Hope to see you soon!!!

ENTERTAINMENT

BACK BY POPULAR DEMAND…YOUR FAVORITE MOVIE LISTINGS. (Now where's my cookie and video of women clad only in silver body paint? ;))

By WeirdArchive

On Cineplex, Canada:

SMOKE IN GLASS, 2004, starring Sandra Bullock, Jennifer Esposito, Mena Suravi, Andi McDowell, Tara Reid, Katie Holmes, Alyson Hannigan, Drea De Matteo, and various nude stills from notable celebrities. Directed by Helen Mirren. Unrated. If there was a movie that heralded the Lesbian Film Era of 2007-2011, this film would be close in the running. The subject matter is fairly simple. A photographer named Nicole (Bullock) decides on shooting a set of nudes with her friends as subjects while they talk about their love lives, their first experiences with sex, their true love, and their fantasies. As the talks and shooting progress, she suddenly realizes she has never experienced pure true love with her lackluster boyfriend (played by Simon Rex) and is suddenly drawn by her assistant Jessica (Esposito). Naturally some of her friends notice the friction between them and decide the girl needs to explore her sensuality before she goes nuts. The subject matter is not just about lesbianism and acceptance of sexuality or how the camera exposes more than just the nude subjects. (Several notable celebrities like Kim Cattrall, Janet Jackson, Majandra Delfino, Shiri Appleby, and Emilie de Ravin did pose in various stages of undress for the film's photographer to establish the mood of the picture.) It's about how people tend to live themselves through others and how living for one's self is the greatest experience. The climax where Esposito does her own nude confession of love for her boss and Bullock decides to follow her desire by stripping bare and embracing her new lover with a passionate kiss while the camera keeps on taking pictures and the monologues blend in with each other and the photos has been called chaotic, confusing...and very erotic just like how a first time true love is supposed to be realized. Bullock took a gamble by doing her nude scenes without a body double, feeling her character wouldn't be believable if she didn't expose her entire body without guilt or regret. The movie was a modest arthouse classic before it took off as a mainstay of premium cable channels like Sundance and Women's Entertainment. Mirren makes no apologies for the nudity and sexuality since she was just as secure with her love life and body (she even contributed her own photo in an ode to Hitchcock) as the other actresses. This picture received two Independent Spirit Awards for Best Picture and a special note of achievement for depicting women's sexuality as honestly as possible. The photos even made news of their own as a special coffee table book where shots from the film and unused stills were compiled with essays from the cast and crew dealing with their views of sexuality. The cover caused some fuss with the publishers since it was a provocative shot of Suravi touching MacDowell's clitoris (or MacDowell touching Suravi's clitoris, depending on which press release you believe since both actress would only acknowledge that they did that particular shot.). It was supposed to have been the movie poster, but the MPAA had issues over the racy content so an alternate poster with Bullock's camera lens reflecting the blurry nudes was used instead. Truly a masterwork. Contains graphic nudity and strong sexual content. Parents Strongly Cautioned.

MISTER BEAR'S ADVENTURE IN YUMMYLAND, 2003, Starring Mena Suravi, voice of Michael York, voice of Kirk Cameron, and Gedde Watanabe. Directed by Lynn K. D'Angona. Rated G. Never let it be said that Gener8Xion Entertainment (the company that gave us THE OMEGA CODE Saga...though 'streaming pile of sh*t' as one reviewer called it would be a better description) tried to give wholesome entertainment to the family. Not that they could make decent, creative, or original entertainment that wasn't more like racist Christian extremist propaganda that bordered on TRIUMPH OF THE WILL than BEN HUR. Suravi plays a babysitter whose young charge is suddenly pulled into another world called Yummyland where a king (York, in poorly executed Muppet form) tries to seduce the boy and babysitter into living in his kingdom...which is a poorly veiled analogy for temptation. Cameron plays the toy bear and Watanabe its clumsy creator who tries to rescue the pair from certain doom. It's hard to fathom how such an accomplished actress like Suravi would be saddled with this tripe, though her agent at the time wanted to her to change her image during the brief culture war that stemmed from the War Against Terrorism. Suravi played it by the numbers, cashed her check, and then purged herself of all wholesomeness by doing such fare as SMOKE IN GLASS and the later classic BLACK PUDDING (2006), a retro film ode to the Blackploition films where white girls and black hunks get it on to spite the racist bigots. Virtually the entire production has no redeeming aspects at all. The effects are pre-H.R. Pufnstuf, the writing is pure 50's style moralistic bunk (with references to the Godless Communists that was out of date even for the 50s), and the acting...well, stiff doesn't even come close. Only the few remaining Christian Right followers will stomach this. The rest of the viewing audience will be watching wrestling. Contains some tense moments and extremist dogma. For all ages, though only for those without any taste.

FASTER THAN NECESSARY (2005), starring Barbara Niven, Laura Harring, and Nicholas Brendon. Written and directed by Quentin Tarantino. Rated R. Ah, the return of the prodigal son. After seeing KILL BILL (2002) perform poorly with fans and critics, Tarantino decided to 'stop f**king around and do the sh*t I'm good at' (his very own words in an interview for the movie). The tale is a simple one. A nice girl named Chloe (Niven) picks a hitchhiker, a tall brunette who calls her Stef (Harring) who looks a little worse for wear. The reason for her state is a very abusive boyfriend (Brendon) who's nevertheless a little pissed off by being left for dead after a delivery of stolen cash from a Vegas casino went wrong...or was he? Seems Stef has taken the cash for all the years f hitting and being used as an unwilling sex doll and now seeks to lend in with the crowd and go straight...or she is? Chloe is grateful for the company since she's on a long drive back from her mother's, following up on a rumor that her no-good husband (played by Oded Fehr) is possibly cheating on her...or is she? Naturally, the two hit off and even play out a few fantasies like going to a strip bar and indulging in some of Stef's bondage games...or are more Chloe's? Basically, this film is an ode to Hitchcock and De Palma where you can't tell the players without a scorecard. Both ladies steam up the screen with their sexual innuendo and lust for each other, which sometimes borders on the pornographic in at least one instance. The film wouldn't be as enjoyable if the female leads were played by less attractive and interesting actresses, since Tarantino tends to drone on about the littlest things to the annoyance of some. The desert climax and kissing death scenes redeem whatever shortfalls this picture has...and there are plenty starting with the miscasting of Brendon as a woman-beater (or is he?) and Fehr as an unfaithful husband (or is HE?). Fans of Tarantino's work rate this as high as RESERVOIR DOGS, but not in the same category as PULP FICTION. At least the regained clout allowed him to do better fare, such as his contribution to the Asian Horror saga MY EYES GO GRAY and his upcoming ode to the infamous British crimelords the Krays entitled STEVEN AND LITTLE BUDDY, A LOVE STORY. Contains violence, sexual content, bondage, spousal abuse, and animal cruelty. Parents Strongly Cautioned.

EDITORIAL

COMPUTER POSSESSION

By Shnapzie

I have a computer. Granted, it's a piece of crap, but since most Seattle residents don't even have a piece of crap to grace their cardboard boxes, I guess I'm pretty lucky.  My piece of crap is possessed. Last week, it became the home to evil spirits. (I think they were my relatives.) And they were either very upset with me or else they had a very twisted sense of humor. I suspect the latter. Allow me to elaborate:  While typing the very last line of a very impressive article, I hear the sound of laughter, followed closely behind by the sound of a toilet flushing. My screen is promptly wiped blank, and none of my screaming, violence, and clawing at my forehead would bring it back! A whole five-minutes work down the tube! No pun intended.  

While having this internal battle not to tear my computer apart and sell the pieces of it to twenty-five different countries' black markets, I turn on the computer and see the devil himself. Bill Gates's lovely mug is my permanent desktop wallpaper. *Shudder* One can only imagine the horror. The only thing worse would be Michael Jackson. (I think he lost the coin toss in Hades.)

I was being systematically driven insane. At work, all I did was sit at my desk, rock back and forth while muttering to myself and drooling (Did you ever do anything else anyway? Yeesh. Touché.) The only thing I saw was Microsoft Man dancing in my belly button, and Blue Man Group kept banging Intel tones on my eardrums.

Well, between bouts of psychosis a gentleman shows up on my cardboard-flap step, claiming to be a faith healer who cures computers. He seemed genuine enough, so I invited him in and escorted him over to the demon perched on my desk. I expected him to…well, I don't really know what I expected him to do, but certainly not to shove wafers in my ROM drive and smear garlic on my monitor all the while Gregorian chanting. Sorry dude, but you're a little too nuts for me. I propelled him to the door, sans holy wine. I needed it for rent. Or bribery. Whatever's more profitable.

To make a long story short, (yeah, right) I called a real computer expert as soon as possible after the evil spirits began blasting Backstreet Boys 24/7 out of my speakers. And guess what? It turns out that my evil spirits are in actuality an evil computer virus, courtesy of my evil boss's evilest personality—Becky. (That's ridiculous!, you scoff. Why on earth would she do that? She's Becky. She doesn't need a reason to so something evil!)

Why am I telling you this, you ask? There's a reason. Really. I'll tell you just as soon as I finish uploading this program onto Jenn's computer. She's too busy watching the electronically tagged employees to notice. We'll see who gets the last laugh.

FEATURES

POLICE REPORT

Friday, 6PM: Called to 516 South Market to investigate claims of 6' lizard running upright through the streets. Witnesses found to be under the influence. Arrested witnesses for  fraudulent police call and confiscated all intoxicating substances for investigative purposes.  (Jennem1)

Friday:  A young male streaker ran through the streets after a lizard. The man was arrested, and the police are guessing that he was under the influence of drugs too.  (Samcrazy)

Saturday 9:30 pm-Former MTV Host and Movie Star arrested. One time MTV host Molly Sims-Buttafuoco, 43, was arrested for shoplifting and attempted assault at Captain Don's Family Liquor & Drugs. Allegedly, Sims-Buttafuoco stole 3 bottles of blond hair bleach, 2tubes of Denture Grip, 4 bottles of earwax remover and a gallon jug of Red Mountain Wine. Allegedly, Sims-Buttafuoco was viewed by a Captain Don's security Hoverdrone filling her coat with goods and attempted to  assault The Captain's Royal Republican Guard as they tried to apprehend her. As this is Molly  Sims-Buttafuoco's third offense, if she's found guilty she will be terminated by lethal injection  within 48 hours. Sims-Buttafuoco is no stranger to the courts, having been arrested some 28 times, but this time may be her last. Molly Sims was a one-time star on MTV, a giant of the video craze of the 1980s-90s. After being fired from MTV, Sims-Buttafuoco made some B-rate T & A monster movies. In 2005 Sims-Buttafuoco tried to make a comeback by starring as OJ Simpson's wife Nicole in OJ's made for TV movie "The Caddy Did It" but the movie never aired. In 2011 Sims married Hollywood playboy and auto body shop owner Joey Buttafuoco 68 but disappeared from the public's eye until now.  (DCRRACING)

CONTAINING OUTDOOR FIRES

By Daf9

In the pre-Pulse days of central heating many American cities banned outdoor fires; at least of the leaf burning variety. Now that the greenhouse effect has turned out to be a cruel hoax and central heating is beyond the financial reach of so many, outdoor fires are making a comeback. And so SOS editor Jennem1 raised the question: "What is the best receptacle for maintaining an outdoor fire?" A more important question in DAF9's mind was how arguably the best reporter at SOS was to avoid getting stuck with having to research such an obvious loser?

Sitting in her office at SOS, sourly eyeing both the assignment and the 14,000,000 unsold copies of her book "Best Limericks of the Third Millennium," DAF9 was struck with a sudden inspiration. Rather than trying to avoid this sucker, she would volunteer! And bill SOS for research materials! At $49.95 a copy....

Lugging as many of the books as would fit in a large Hefty trash bag down the stairs of the SOS offices and into the streets, DAF9 made a beeline for the largest trashcan she could see. Any resident of Seattle would tell you that by far and away the most common containers for outdoor fires in Seattle are trashcans. But are they the best? Holds 114 books. Not bad, but surely there are larger containers? Well after many experiments DAF9 was forced to conclude that in the average trash can a Seattle resident can burn a maximum of 123 books at one time. Fire only lasts about 5 minutes and generates enough heat to melt a small ice cube. (Probably that cheap paper those %$#$ vanity presses use for their publications!)

Maybe an abandoned automobile would work better. Unfortunately the 15 automobiles that were turned up after extensive searching were already filled with trash of one sort or another; mostly dead bodies, 11 inch fashion dolls from an old TV series Pasadena and discarded Gameboys. Too much trouble to empty them out.

Large cardboard boxes, while they might be suitable for a brief conflagration, were found to have two major problems. The first was that most large cardboard boxes in Seattle these days are already being used as residences and very few people were willing to donate their homes in the interests of research. The second problem was that they tended to become part of the fire rather than contain it.

DAF9 won't bore you with all the details of other receptacles that she tried: old appliances, metal sculptures, construction vehicles. She even went to that old VA hospital that burned  down so recently figuring there might be some ruined medical equipment she could use but a bunch of soldiers made her leave before she could find a single useful item. Which, come to think of it, adds credibility to that otherwise incredible "Eyes Only" report we all heard earlier this week claiming that the VA hospital wasn't a VA hospital at all but a secret government facility dedicated to genetic engineering.

But that's another story.

Suffice it to say that one week after spending 20 hours a day on this assignment DAF9 had only managed to get rid of 25,421 books. And then, just when she was about to give up she found the perfect container....... missile silos! Most of our readers will remember the run on home missile silos that followed the terrorist attack on NYC back in '01. And how, just like after the Y2K scare there were tons of survival gear laying around rotting and abandoned, now there are thousands of in-ground missile silos standing empty (the government having prudently removed the missiles back in '09 just before the Pulse) in backyards across the nation.

DAF9 now has less than a thousand copies of her wonderful book and is thinking about ordering a second printing.

Received from CG-double-oh-nuffin' before her mysterious

disappearance...

It's true! It's all true! Only I was wrong. There are two groups! Area 51 transferred its

headquarters to Wyoming. OMG! They're coming. I've got to tell you

there are two groups. Two! One is affiliated with the government oppressors

and the other is ---

The message was suddenly cut off. As far as can be seen, CG double-oh-nuffin' had to press send before she was able to finish this message.

WEATHER

By Daf9

Monday - cool & partly cloudy with changes of occasional sun.

Tuesday - temperate & partially sunny with a good chance of a few afternoon showers.

Wednesday - moderate & cloudy. High chance of morning thunderstorms.

Thursday - cold & windy. 100% chance of precipitation.

Friday - barometer and temperature falling. Guess what that means?

Saturday - see Tuesday.

Sunday - see Thursday.

ADVERTISEMENT

Ahoy Land lovers! Times are good! And they're only getting better at Captain Don's! People say times are tough: no money, no food, no medicine! Not at Captain Don's. Captain Don and his crew eat 6 meals a day! We have doctors on our payroll, Yes, life is good at Captain Don's, , , and it can be good for you too. As Captain Don's grip on Seattle grows so does the need for good, loyal people. At Captain Don's its like a big family, and like a family once you're in your in, , ,you're in for life. So if you feel like turning your life around and joining the real "Dream Team" maybe we can use you. Please post a reply telling Captain Don why we should hire you. Tell us about any special talents or abilities you may have. Do you have any limitations any boundaries, or are you ready to do ANYTHING that Captain Don asks? Married/single? Any military training? Money/food/power await you! Post your reply now.

LETTERS TO THE EDITOR

Dear Editor,

I am very surprised about the recent rumors of the eating of innocent crayons. And I was even more surprised to find that the Earth ain't flat, but that's another story! So I tell you to get it together!  Now!

An old guy

Dear Editor,

I'm upset with the lack of coverage your paper gives to the family fun and festivities down at the pier. To many of us honest tax paying pier side business men, it seems that SOS doesn't even know we exist. There is no better or safer place in Seattle than the pier for a man, woman, child or family to spend their day or evening. For your information crime at the pier is at a 3 year low. Three years ago we had 62homicides at the pier; granted, not a high number in today's world, but we knew we could do better, and we did! Last year we had only 31 homicides and this year we are on a pace for only 20!!.So, as you can imagine, we pier people are very proud! The Pier has stores, shops, restaurants, night clubs, dining, dancing and entertainment for the whole family! Spread the word! The pier is like Disneyland, the mall, and Santa's Village all rolled into one! See ya at the Pier,,,open 24hours. No cover charge anytime!.........................Captain Don! A proud city leader!

CLASSIFIEDS

Wanted: Navel lint, must be fresh, post-pulse belly-button lint. Cash or trade, contact Captain Don down by the pier..............Fluffy For Sale: Toilet roll holders for fort I've been building in the backyard. WANTED: Old socks for hand puppets, without holes if possible. Smelly socks accepted too.

 Wanted: More writers to do the SOS because all ours do is use the company pay roll to buy beepers and pencils. Beepers we don't understand but as our Ed keeps stealing most of our pencils to build a miniature Eiffel Tower in her 'den' we have to keep buying new ones. So, let me change this ad....

Wanted: New pencils or new Editor who doesn't have a fascination with pencils or in France.

For sale:  ASPIRIN 500mg. The Great Captain Don has a small supply of real
aspirin! A full 500mg! You haven't been able to buy aspirin "the best pain
killer" like this since the Pulse! You get 6 500mg aspirin tablets for only
$55.98! That's only $9.33 each! Come on down to Captain Don's by the pier and
see our complete line of Drugs & Alcohol.  Fluffy.

Wanted: Good ad writer.

$Need Money/Food? Captain Don is hiring$

Wanted: A couple of hundred combs and the GREASE video.

WANTED: Wholesale supply of pet food, including lizard, dog, cat, and rodent. Cash deal only, no questions asked on either end. Leave note under the big black rock by Pier 14 addressed to Joshua.

For Sale or Trade: Captain Don's is over stocked on freeze-dried puppies and ferrets. Just put one of these tasty treats in a microwave for 15 minutes and you have lunch for the kids. No microwave? No problem! Just wire 1 or 2 of our tasty puppies or ferrets to a piece of pipe and hold them over a burning trash can until they're brown and juicy! MMMMMM good!!!!!

BODYGUARD SERVICES. Previous military experience, discrete, professional, no assignment too big or too small, no questions asked. Your safety is guaranteed. CALL XXX-XXX-XXXX and leave a message for Alex.

DATA RETRIEVAL SPECIALIST NEEDED. Looking for a capable individual to assist with family tree research. Customer provides all necessary equipment. An ability not to ask unnecessary questions a must. CALL XXX-XXX-XXXX and ask for Mech.

Reward! Captain Don will pay $5000 cash US for information on the whereabouts of former actress Janeane Garofalo.  NOTE: Anyone trying to sell Captain Don misinformation about Miss Garofalo will be fed to the homeless people at Brother Don's soup kitchen…