STREETS OF SEATTLE
(date withheld), 2019
http://pages.prodigy.net/jennem
http://forums.delphi.com/darkangelfans/messages?msg=6658.1
To our readers: The stories appearing in today's STREETS OF SEATTLE have been cleared by the U.S. Army under the provisions of the Martial Law Declaration of 2009 and the National Emergency Declaration of 2010.
Editor in Chief: Jennem1
Senior Editor: Daf9
Chief Financial Officer/Management Goddess: Logans_Babe
Editor Emeritus: Samcrazy
Chief Reporter: Weirdarchive
Contributing Reporter: Legend10013
Conspiracy Girl: CG Double-O-Nuffin
Conspiracy Reporter: Dark Knight
Contributing Reporter: Jox5
Contributing Reporter: Syl167
Contributing Reporter: Dark_Fairy__
Contributing Reporter: 727Angel
Contributing Reporter: DCRRacing
Contributing Reporter: Sportzgirl16
Contributing Reporter: Thejerk2k1
Editor's Note: Happy Thanksgiving, readers! Yes, we know, we're publishing some time after Thanksgiving. Having left the newspaper in, I believed, good hands, I decided that instead of indulging in a food-and-booze soaked Bacchanal of American commercialism, I would do some good this Thanksgiving. I left the nearly completed edition behind and went to man a charitable food kitchen in Aruba. Unfortunately, during my tax-deductible absence, some of our senior editors discovered that if our computer and press equipment were properly configured in a small space, the resulting emissions were powerful enough to microwave a turkey. They started some sort of "you bring it, we cook it" operation which ran until I returned, fortunately just in time to collect the ill-gotten gains and remove the feathers from the keyboards. Our system has been returned to its true purpose—frying the brains of our reporters—and we hope you enjoy our belated but heartfelt Happy Thanksgiving.
An SOS writer named DAF
Desperately wanted a laugh
So she stayed up all night
But found nothing to write
Happy Thanksgiving to the rest of the staff!
LOCAL NEWS
SEATTLE IN THE GRIPS OF SEVERE AMMUNITION SHORTAGEBy Syl67
The post-Pulse break down in manufacturing has finally reached the firearms industry. Local gun shops are almost empty of everything except .22 LR match ammunition. No 30-06, .223 or other center-fire rifle ammunition can be found. If you know the shop owner, he might be willing to sell you a box of shotgun shells, or one of his last few boxes of .45 ACP for your Colt 1911. On the average, it will cost you about ten times as much as it did in 2008.
"It's terrible," says Joey, a small-time teenage thug. "Last week I had to trade an entire pound of coffee for six rounds of .38." He waved his revolver in the reporter's general direction. The reporter explained that she hadn't been paid in five weeks, and offered him two breath mints, an expired 50% off fast food coupon, and a partially-used lip gloss. He politely declined.
As usual, some are suffering from this shortage more than others. Police, military, and the mysterious guys in the black HumVees seem to have plenty of bullets. The local citizens, on the other hand, go without.
This reporter did a quick survey of residents in a local box community. At 2:30 in the morning, she knocked on one box after another. When the box-owner threatened her with a firearm, she explained that she was writing an article, and asked if the gun was loaded.
Out of fifty-three box-dwelling gun-owners responding to the survey, only seven (13%) had more than 6 rounds available. Twenty-six (49%) said that the gun was loaded, but wouldn't be able to re-load it. One weird guy leered and said, "My gun is always loaded for you, baby!" but gestured towards his pants. (The reporter made a note to herself not to wear a short skirt when doing the follow-up survey.)
"The only reason that shooting deaths haven't declined in Seattle is those guys in the black HumVees," said police lieutenant Matt Sung, referring to the recent execution-style killings of children with bar code gang tattoos. "On the other hand, we are seeing an increase in murders with knives, motor vehicles, and various sorts of blunt instruments. There hasn't been a Little League game in Seattle since 2011, but there are lots of kids out there with baseball bats."
A contributing factor in the ammunition shortage is the poor shooting skills of Seattle's criminal element. Witnesses frequently tell about armed gangsters firing wildly at some poor innocent bicycle messenger, who easily avoids getting hit. The stories usually finish with the leather-clad bike messenger kicking the snot out of the gangsters, so we can only conclude that most Seattle citizens drink way too much.
There is reported to be one member of the criminal element with good aim. 'Mr. 9' is a blond Caucasian male, estimated to be in his late 40s to early 50s. He is usually described as 'clean cut' and habitually wears dark clothing. His victims are always found dead from a single 9 mm gunshot wound. At one time he was linked to the black Humvee crowd, but recently several of them have died from 9 mm wounds under suspicious circumstances. However, there have been no new victims in the last three weeks, so we can only assume that 'Mr. 9' has left Seattle for greener pastures.
Citizens of Seattle, please conserve your ammunition! Don't shoot anyone unless it is absolutely necessary. There is no telling when fresh shipments will arrive.
'MAN' TALKS TO DOG, OWNER NERVOUSBy Weirdarchive
File this story under 'You had to have been there.' A man talked to a mastiff in Sector 3 two days ago, driving its owner nearly to the brink of insanity and muttering about the "Return of Son of Sam". His friends and nearby witnesses can't explain the ensuing events without a few smiles and shaking heads, but this is the general story that most would agree upon.
At around 0800 hours, Mister Frank "Frankie The Fix" Guiro, age 70 according to recent records, was walking his pure breed mastiff named Mikey to the Hang'Em Dry, a local drinking and social club catering to the elderly and the occasional minor crime boss of the Seattle area. He had tied up the dog to a fire hydrant and then walked in for his usual breakfast, consisting of a large dark stout ale and raw egg, and chatting with his friends over the latest news of rationing cuts for the month. About thirty minutes later, a large man dressed in old style military fatigues and looking (as one witness put it) 'like the Vincent guy in that old TV show after having a bender with Jason and a Wookie' approached the dog with a sort of kinship. At least five to eleven persons saw the 'man' bark at Mickey as if they were having a conversation. The chat lasted for about two to five minutes and then the man left, apparently sniffing the air as if on a scent. Approximately thirty seconds later, Mr. Gurino raced out of the club and screaming insanely about "The son of the b*tch is back! Son of Sam is back! Run for your Goddam lives!" before trying to wrestle a shotgun from the hands of a local gangbanger who was 'minding his own business'. A melee followed, with five elderly males racing to Mr. Gurino's aid and three members of the 9th Street Flash, a notorious street gang controlling some of the Num traffic in Sectors 3 and 4, trying to help out their friend. A few shots were fired, but most in the air. Sector Police arrived to secure the area and arrested three individuals for a Class 2 Unregistered Weapons Possession (the shotgun, a 45 Magnum, and an antique police revolver). Mr. Gurino was raced to the nearest hospital for an irregular heartbeat and possible psychiatric problems.
According to local gossip, Mr. Gurino was a member of a high ranking Mafia family back in 1976 during the reign of terror led by David Berkowitz, also known as the Son of Sam. For 13 months, the Son of Sam terrified much of New York City with a series of murders (six in all, five of them women) and bizarre letters (where he once stated that he took his orders from a neighbor's dog named Sam) to the police that had the makings of the infamous Jack The Ripper. Some had speculated that Mr. Gurino had a run with Mr. Berkowitz during one of these killings and was affected by it. "The man just didn't stop talking about that guy Son of Sam", a neighbor commented. "It's like he had a hard-on for what he did or something. He got that big frigging dog for protection, but that wasn't enough." While reports about Mr. Gurino's past are sketchy due to the lack of credible information stemming from the Pulse, it's not unlikely that he had suffered some trauma due to the late serial killer's rampage. Most New Yorkers even now consider Mr. Berkowitz's acts beyond imagination, ranking them with the destruction of the World Trade Center in September 11, 2001 and the Pulse eight years later. Mr. Berkowitz was sentenced to life in prison for his crimes and was denied parole several times in spite of his later conversion to Christianity. He was killed in the Prison Riots of 2010, though some rumors had him executed by enraged prison guards eager for some rough belated justice on behalf of the victims' families.
At press time, Mr. Gurino is said to be resting comfortably and under sedation. His beloved Mikey is under the care of the Hang'Em Dry owner where he's enjoying a steady diet of beer and salt pork. No word yet about his 'friend', but Sector Police have been combing the immediate area for his whereabouts.
COPS MURDERED, TONGUES RIPPED OUTBy DARK_FAIRY__
After the police force was rather insulted by their fellow officers who were murdered, by a bushy haired, tall build, doggie man, The one police who survived, is being brought home today, for a lovely Thanksgiving dinner.
"I 'm 'ank'ul 'fo bei' al've."
"We're thankful he's been brought back to us." The police officer wife says.
Dark_Fairy__: Do you think your husband really saw a dog-man?
Wife: Of course not. He's been known to smoke special herbs!
Dark_Fairy__: But then who ripped out his tongue?
Wife: Hey! He's smoking herbs without me!
Dark_Fairy__: Please finish the interview Missy.
Wife: I'm not even married to the guy! You paid me to say this!
Dark_Fairy__: *mutters* She's high. I swear. I don't pay people money to say
they are married.
Wife: Yes you do. You also sell Magic Mushrooms!
Dark_Fairy__: I don't know what you're talking about.
Wife: What do you mean you don't know? You sold me some last night!
Dark_Fairy__: Well that's all the time we have for today, folks.
Wife: Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Hold on a second. This was supposed to be about that
man choking on turkey.
Dark_Fairy__: That's all the time we have today. Goodbye.
Wife: But.
Dark_Fairy__: I said. THAT'S ALL THE TIME WE HAVE TODAY.
Wife: But- He's choking on turkey!
Dark_Fairy__: Oh look a U.F.O.
Wife: Where?!
Dark_Fairy__ Runs off.
WAS THAT A GREAT COSTUME OR WHAT?
By Legend10013
That's what many residents of Seattle and the Pacific Northwest have been asking themselves over last few days. A reader of ours named Bob, who was around Pike last night, claims he was passing out some candy and a large wolf like creature nearly seven feet came up to him and said 'tricks and treats l'il fella. The creature then promptly grabbed him, lifted him over it's head, turned him upside down and shook him till his wallet and all the candy he had fell to the ground. The creature then scooped it all up and bared his fangs and went on its way. When I first heard this I thought someone was hittin' the bong once too often but then more calls came in from loyal readers. Now, we here at the "Streets" and the public are left to wonder if it was more tricks than treats last night.
The next morning after Halloween I was told by an intern who reads a trashy rag called World. sumthin... something about these mutant monsters possibly roaming our streets. Then some ultra liberal junkie downstairs who is sleeping on the front steps of the "Streets" was asking if these creatures would be given the same rights and stuff like us? I told him I certainly hope not. Hot darn, I pay my bribes to my local fuzz and politicians, so I'm entitled to more I say!
In an earlier broadcast by the local cable crusader of the Emerald City styling him/herself as 'EYES ONLY' told us about a secret government project called Manticore. This tax funded government project cranked out mutants, which escaped. Hey, are there any non secret government projects left out there? Any hoo, it's not like a bunch of free range chickens escaped the coop, so we got a right to be scared. Most likely our trusted military made some lovable and cuddly teddy bears that talk right? Ha! That's what I thought too. Most likely the mutants our government has cooked up are gonna be as screwed up as we are...you know what I'm talking about. Only diff is that they will most likely have some super powers. Maybe one of their powers is to make sector passes. If that's the case I say let's be friends with them. Unfortunately I see bad things that may happen with these guys hyped up on the sugar we passed out last night.
Hey, if you got a problem with my article please take it out on the local crack house cause we're short of funds from the last attack. This is your local man on the "Streets". My motto is "You can hate me, but you've still got to pay me!!"
Written by desperate4cookies@streetsofseattle.com
NATIONAL NEWSREPUBLIC OF ALASKA ROCKED BY TERRORISM, 'GOVERNOR' HODGES FURIOUS!
By Weirdarchive
Most of the world was shocked last week when reports of terrorism against the rogue Republic of Alaska surface in a press conference given by Alaskan Home Guard Commander Johnathan Matthews and Patricia Meadows, Director of the Department of Law and Order which comprises all of the civilian police forces of the breakaway American state. If the allegations are proven, the façade of peace and tranquility boosted by most of 'Governor' William Hodges cabinet will soon be shattered.
Commander Matthews made detailed accounts of 'acts of cowardice and deceit against the Free Alaskan State' which included an previously unrevealed attack on the John Ross Aerospace Center while it was under construction by the radical Neo-Luddite group May 22nd Movement, several assaults on the Alaskan Pipeline by 'rogue members of the former National Guard still loyal to the parasitic Federal Government', and a failed assassination attempt against 'Governor' Hodges by forces as yet unknown. Director Meadows then displayed several pieces of evidence backing the claims, from photo surveillance of the St. Lawrence Island coast to the disarmed bombs found at several pipeline junctions, and testimonies from at least three individuals with one of them confessing to be a member of the Manticore Transgenics experiment. She then reassured reporters that the peace and well being of the Republic is being maintained and that no 'jackboot tactics akin to the military police state the Fed seems to enjoy enforcing' will be imposed on its citizens. "We know most of our countrymen are loyal to the Republic," she said proudly. "They have nothing to fear from us. But to those who wish to harm our sovereignty and return us to the US beware! We will find you. We will stop you. We will kill you."
This admission to homegrown terror within the rogue state was met with caution by the Barrows administration. "We've always know Hodges ran a shoddy outfit." quoted an unnamed source. "The man reigns over the place like a mad tyrant, grabbing at everything he can get his hands on. While we do not support any terrorist acts on US soil, we do and will continue to urge any citizen loyal to the true State of Alaska and this country and living under the boot of that thug to fight him with everything they have and restore the Land of The Midnight Sun back into its motherland where it was untimely ripped from at its darkest hour." There has been no official word from either Barrows or the United Nations at its temporary headquarters in Toronto.
Recently, the US and the Republic exchanged tough words over war games sponsored by the Bering Strait Pact (which President Barrows does not recognize as a legitimate defense organization) and unlikely assistance in removing the last of the Aryan strongholds in Idaho.
BROTHER DON FEEDS THE WORLD AGAIN
Well maybe not the world yet, but Seattle eats free! Hello Seattle! its me Captain Don,A.K.S. Brother Don, and Brother Don is doing Gods work for him again! by feeding the poor people of Seattle for Thanksgiving. If you are down on your luck, you and your friends and family are invited to come eat with the entire good God loving people at "Brother Don's Out Reach". We will be serving dinner from 12:00pm to 8:00pm, all are welcome.Now if God has blessed you this year, and you would like to thank God for his love, we are open 24-7 for cash donations, and 9 to 9 for donations of cars, homes, land or organs. Remember you can't take it with you, and the more you give the greater your reward will be," John 9-86"
CONSPIRACYFrom the
archives of CG double-oh-nuffin'
THE DEVIOUS CONSPIRATORS
Throughout the years there have been those who jumped
oh-so-readily to assumptions regarding conspiracies and their aims. I'm here to
enlighten you on the truth behind those wild ramblings. I will start by
addressing the issue of...Barney...
Ah, yes, those of us who were alive before the pulse can
remember the show with the big, purple, friendly dinosaur. Some even drove
their parents to the brink of insanity with the wish always to watch Barney
videos. But it was more than just a kiddie show.
Conspiracy theorists of the time proclaimed that it was a government plot to
take over the minds of the children so that the next generation would be a
passive one that would do what the government overlords wished. But it was much
more devious than that.
For any who looked there would be small proofs of subliminal
messaging and other such nonsense. But the real threat was much deeper down.
For while the conspiracy theorists occupied themselves with trying to find
proof of their claims against Barney, the government oppressors were working
overtime with their *real* plan. And what plan would this be, you might ask.
Two words: Martha Stewart. You might laugh, you might scoff "Oh, come one,
she predates Barney!" Ah, yes, and therein do we discover the twisted
working of "Big Brother's plan. During the period in which Barney debuted,
some conspiracy theorists had been coming closer to the truth, but had not yet
realized it. So Barney came to distract them. It was all a big smoke-screen!
Using "Martha Stewart" (actually an operative in
Deep Cover) they slowly but surely began to influence gullible men and women
everywhere. Making them believe fundamentally stupid things and doing them.
There was the real mind control. The most obvious of the stratagems was a
statement made by "Martha Stewart" and I quote, "One should
always leave at least an inch of snow on the driveway for esthetic
purposes."
I must leave you now or they may trace my signal. Just remember, the truth is out there, however well-hidden. And, please, don't leave snow on your driveway!
FOR YOUR
EYES ONLY
by the Dark Knight
Well all of you that are taking time to read this, I must
thank you and I enjoy writing this type of reports so I hope it continues..here
we go.
It's a dark, brisk and rainy October night in the gloomy
city of Seattle. You walk down a lone street and look up to see the moon in
full looking back down on you as you walk. You see some kids walking down
the street and you stay to your self hey wouldn't this be the perfect night for
things that we all don't think exist to roam free without being
noticed. Maybe those little kids walking by you on the street are really
aliens from another planet, well no one will believe that and if you had proof
they would say your crazy and should be locked away in a small padded
room. Or would they?
I think its about time I tell you about my newest conspiracy
theory about the little "cute" kids walking around this Halloween and
maybe next time out you will stop and take a little more time to glace. I
wonder if the government knows about this, I bet they do but can't have all the
people in your own country know too much. Now before you hunt me down and
say I am insane, lets take a little more of a look at the subject at hand. And
as one great man once said "it takes the mark of a educated mind to
entertain a thought without accepting it." And this matter is no
different, you then may ask why I have come to this conclusion and why little
"green men" would do something like this. Well its quite simple
they get to see planet Earth's customs and how everyone reacts to different
things, and once accepted a take over is going to happen, and what better day
to do it? Not Thanksgiving, not Christmas the one no one is expecting,
while everyone is out having fun.
Now don't run and hide in your house, this may not happen
for thousands of more years. And could Big Foot be running around in some
town getting candy? How about Elvis? Yes my friends he is still around
and menacing around some town on Halloween, and after hiding away for a year
wouldn't you just want to stretch your legs and come out and play and have some
real fun, same things for the aliens hiding under the masks. And not just
aliens, what about mutants? Like in "the Sun" how they said
genetically altered people are running around our planet, why would they come
out in the open? And I can picture it now, all the people with guns and
pitch forks ambushing the home (castle in the old times with torches) and
banging down the door and
taking them our for the sole reason that they are different. Once are they
slowly taking over the population it will be too late for all of us, lets just
hope the government doesn't wait to long.
By Logans_Babe
With the onrush of the holiday season, everyone seems to forget Thanksgiving. Oh no, I am not talking about the food or the annoying family gatherings. I am talking about the decorations. When I was a young'n we would have turkey signs and window stickies. And those Cornucopia things with veggies and what not. But who ever wants to put up candles of turkeys, or ones that smell like stuffing? People are already decorating for Christmas and rightly so, everyone should decorate for Christmas, but the court house had decorations up in October. A little soon don't you think? All I want to know is what about Thanksgiving.
LETTERS TO THE EDITORDear Editor:
I would like to thank you for publishing Ms. Shnapzie's "Computer Possession" article. It was gratifying to realize that there are those who are even crazier than me! Computer possessed--*snort*. I'd recommend you doing random drug tests on your employees (Ms. Shnapzie must've been on something when she wrote that article) but I don't want to give my employer any ideas on the off-chance that he reads this newspaper.
FEATURESEvery year, we run an essay contest at the local elementary schools. Following are the entries chosen by each of our reporters.
WHAT THANKSGIVING MEANS TO MEWhat Thanksgiving means to me... Thanksgiving means to me is having a nice turkey dinner with family and giving thanks for all that you have. Usually the dinner will have mashed potatoes, stuffing, green beans, corn, rolls, pumpkin pie, and of course turkey. I really enjoy it because I get to spend time with family that I don't usually get to see and I have a lot of fun. I always go over to my grandma's house for this dinner. Thanksgiving is always on the 3rd Thursday of November so the weather depends on if the Thursday is earlier or later. But what I really like is the day after Thanksgiving when my mother, my 2 sisters, and myself go shopping for the whole mourning. It is really fun. Thanksgiving is one of my favorite holidays because it is in fall (usually), which is my favorite season. Thanksgiving is a time of joy and happiness in which most of the world is peaceful. Lisa, age 10 (727angel)
Good stuff: Turkey. Lots 'n lots of turkey. brown meat not white. My mom and brother eat the white meat. And mashed potatoes with tons of butter. Cover it all in cranberry sauce and shovel it down as fast as possible. There is never enough to go around.
Bad stuff: dishes. My brother had to do 'em one year and he broke a bunch of grandma's good china so he doesn't have to any more. I tried the same trick an' got sent to my room for a week. It isn't fair. Brian, age 10 (DAF9)
Thanksgiving means another year of unfulfilled wants. It's a nice reminder of all the unanswered wishes that will be coming up during Christmas. Alex, age 12 (thejerk2k1)
My name is Donny Im 9 years old and I live in the city of Seattle.Thanksgiving is a very good day for me and my mom.its a good day because we get to eat all the good food we want and sometimes mommy stays with me for the whole nite.everyone is happy on Thanksgiving day and thats nice because on other days a lot of people are sad,my mommy to.Thanksgiving day we put on our best clothes and me and mommy go to "Brother Don's Out Reach" to eat thankgiving dinner with lots and lots of our friends.Mommy sez that Brother Don is a good man and mommy used to work for Brother Don and they are very good friends,thats why mommy named me Don,we are lucky.Brother Don gives all the people turkey and potatoes and cranberry sauce and we get hot doughnuts and cookies and mommy and the other grown-ups get lots of beer,wine and lightning to drink,mommy sez it makes grown-ups warm and friendly,but not kids,but someday Im going to drink some because the car we live in is very cold.Thanksgiving is nice and this why.Donny age 8 (dcrracing)
Thanksgiving means we have to save up all our money even the pennies so we can give the man money to give us sector passes to see Grandma so we can't have anything nice before Thanksgiving so then we go to Grandma's and give thanks but she smells funny and the turkey tastes funny and I don't think it's really turkey so I don't want to save all the pennies next year I want to stay home and eat a hamburger. Darren, age 7 (jennem1)
What Thanksgiving means to me: By Sidney, age 8 Thanksgiving means I get to
spend time with the people I love most....My Grandpapy, my Uncle Tobe, and my
Pa. You see three years ago when it got pretty cold, they all went out to steal
my mommy's rich friend's turkey. They were going to hack em up and have a
pretty nice meal. But they got into a wreck cause it was slick. So after a few
hours my mommy went out with her fryin pant to wack em cause they were so late,
and found out that they had been in a wreck. I am thankful for spending time
with them. And now that they are all handicapped it is easier to hide their
false teeth without them catching me and funnier to watch them try and eat
without them.
P.S. I hide them it the toilet tank. (logans_babe)
Thanksgiving means that my family and I get together and be thankful that we are all together. we get all my cousins and grandparents to come visit us at out box and we cook rats or sometimes birds over a flaming trash can and enjoy being together. It also gives me and my brother a chance to tell everybody what we want for christmas since thats the next time they visit. Michelle, age 9 (jox5)
ODDITIES
By Logans_Babe
As we look upon past Thanksgivings, we see families who would drop everything to be together for one meal. And not just any families, happy familes who had a lot to be thankful for. People had turkey and pumpkin pies. Hot food, a loving family and some good entertainment...football.
Its odd how much we have changed since then. Nowadays people are more worried about the food than the giving thanks part of Thanksgiving. I've talked to a few people who have said they would give their parents away just to get one scrap of extra food. Where has our love gone? And what kind of food are we having at Thanksgiving now anyway? Turkeys are in short supply, not much milk for any kind of cooking, sweets are limited, vegetables are scarce. What are we to do with ourselves?
LONGINGBy Sportzgirl16
In the cold dark night,
With the ocean near
and stars shining bright,
We was together then without any fear.
We talked all day,
Until the sun went down,
Sitting by the bay
that leads to the ocean ground.
Sometimes I remember him
When few moments pass
And I wonder if I'll ever see him again,
At next summer's class.
It makes me sad that I can see him no more,
With all the memories of the sweet little boy.
It's not too late!!!
Come to Dr. DAF9's DNA Emporium right away!
Today only, we are selling genetically enhanced sparrows for the low, low price of 4 easy payments of $29.95 each.
Feed your sparrow steroids and Tryptophan twice a week and you will have a turkey sized fowl in time for Christmas.
A free box of band-aids to the first 100 customers. [Sparrows on steroids are cranky, much like athletes.]
Give someone you love the bird this holiday season.
ENTERTAINMENT THANKSGIVING PAGEANTBy Jox5
Downtown Seattle is an exciting place to be on Thanksgiving. Everywhere you look you see people trying to make the best of a bad situation. Families are celebrating the holidays together even if it is in a box. The red cross is handing out turkey dinners to the people on the streets who then cook over burning cars. The more fortunate people who can afford to buy dinner are doing everything they can to pretend the pulse never happened.
It is amazing how people can still be thankful for the nothing they have. The only thing the pulse didn't destroy was people's spirit. That spirit was shinning through on main street were people were celebrating. Shops had live turkeys for sale in the windows while larger birds were parading around.
The 23 annual Thanksgiving turkey pageant was a great success. This year 17 contestants showed up to try and win the cash prize. The winner was somebody by the name of Gobble Gobble. Gobble Gobble was wearing an amazing turkey costume that looked incredibly real. When asked how the costume was made the only response was "Gobble Gobble". This person was really into the holiday because Gobble Gobble didn't take off his costume after the pageant. When a little kid stole one of his 3ft feathers Gobble Gobble ran off making incoherent noises. This was one nut that this reporter will never forget.
MOVIE LISTINGSBy Weirdarchive
On Cineplex, Canada
CONFESSIONAL, 2006, starring Saffron Burrows, Jude Law, and Kate Winslet. Written and directed by Mike Figgis. Rated R. Never let it be said that Ms. Burrows doesn't do ordinary roles. True, while her work in WING COMMANDER and DEEP BLUE SEA borders on self-parody, her later films like MISS JULIE did show how far she could take a role and add an edge to it that impresses critics and fans alike. She does just that in this satire of the Catholic Church by Mike Figgis, set at the time shortly after Pope John Paul II's death. Burrows plays an English-born naturalized American nun who suddenly decides to head a movement that wants to split away from Rome, offering mass to gays, condoning liberal birth control, and allowing women to become Cardinals. Naturally, this doesn't sit well with the new Pope (played with conviction by Edward Woodard) who sends a young priest (Law) to talk some sense into the radical. Of course, the priest has questions of faith of his own, particularly with the inspiration of the radical American Catholic movement...a young woman who's more at home with the Wiccan movement than Christ (Winslet). While the last third of the movie falls into the old lecture trap over how God wants His flock to handle themselves and who speaks for Jesus, the movie does give a refreshing light into how silly both sides of the debate can be if they bothered to look at themselves. The Catholic Church didn't seem amused at first when the movie premiered, but since the reforms of Vatican III took effect which gave women more say in Papal matters and destigmatized homosexuality to a degree, the film has been a favorite among the rising clergy eager to give Rome some new ideas and eventual leadership in the 21st Century. Nominated for Best Film by the Golden Globes and the Academy Awards. Contains nudity, sexual content, violence, and religious satire. Parents Strongly Cautioned.
ALIAS: TELL ME NO LIES, 2004, starring Jennifer Garner, Carl Lumbly, Ron Rifkin, Rene Zellweger, Terry O'Quinn, and Lance Henriksen. Written and Directed by J.J. Abrams. Rated R. Following the footsteps of another television series, which did a theatrical, release while still in production, this movie picks up after the third season cliffhanger. Sydney and Dixon (who found out about Sydney's double agent status at the start of the second season) are on the run from Sloane, who is hellbent on killing them for their betrayal of SD6. Naturally, he calls on a couple of heavy hitters in the form of a British agent (Zellweger, making full use of her accent she acquired in BRIDGET JONES'S DIARY) and a Canadian mafia assassin who desires the quiet life of his vineyards in France (O'Quinn). Course, Sydney has a few aces up her sleeve...especially after Dixon's mentor (Henriksen) decides to join the fray as everyone races to secure a computer disc that has some damaging information about the newly elected American President. Granted, some of the show doesn't transfer as well into the big screen, but at least in this format Abrams is allowed to use more action and nudity (mostly from Garner, though Zellweger does venture a peek or two) that was only suggested at on the series. Intense, intriguing, and definitely a nail-biter, it's sad that they only did one ALIAS movie as opposed to the questionable two other X FILES films that should've been shelved when its popularity waned. Contains violence, nudity, sexual content, and ethnic slurs. Parents Strongly Cautioned.
ADVICE
ANSWERING YOUR DREAMS
By Legend10013
Hi, and welcome to "Answering your dreams" column. Dr. Stacey has decided to retire and Legend10013 be subbing for her until we can find a cheaper replacement...ummm...better candidate. We have luckily retained the services of Legend10013 guru to the stars.
I'm glad to be here to help people in need. I mean it. I'm paid by the hour here right?...hmmm...okay..let's hear from some of our readers.
"I have this dream about being at a lemonade stand and I'm really
thirsty. There are three kinda lemons on the table and a kid is there demanding
I choose. Please help and tell me what this means."
-Lemon@buyer.com-
"Well, this is a easy one..I myself went with PS2 over game cube or
X-box but it's up to you. By the way...I'll be sending you my bill for
$299.99"
-legend10013@streetsofseattle.com-
"It's dark and there seems no end to it and then I begin to fall. I
also dream about a moth and a burning candle. What does it mean?"
-Staff@Bob Patterson.com-
"The dark is an expression of the unknown in your life and the falling
sensation is your feeling of loss of control. The moth is you and the candle
represents an obstacle that you can't overcome. I think your career is pretty
much over."
-legend10013@streetsofseattle.com-
"I dream someone is watching me in my dream. Please help."
16249612@msn.com
"Hmmm....have you recently upgraded to XP? Many users have this
problem."
-legend10013@streetsofseattle.com-
"Every November I have these dreams of people chasing me and they wear
funny black clothes and carrying guns. I also have some issues with
weight...can you help?"
Tom@predue.com
"Ummm..how much do you weigh?...since it's Thanksgiving and all I would
like to invite you over for dinner...come early say around 6:00am...let's
see...that how many pounds per hour.."
-legend10013@streetsofseattle.com-
"I've been having nightmares..I can't go into details but no one seems
to be what they say they are and everyone wants me to do something for them.
Please help!"
S@SD6.com
"First, let me say to the staff at
Streets "Bravo" for being able to decrypt her message. Next, I'm not
sure I have the clearance to...what the?...who could be knocking at the door
this time of day?....yeah, hello...what...No!!...[transmission
terminated]"
-legend10013@streetsofseattle.com-
CLASSIFIEDS
HELP WANTED Dream Interpreter: Due to a recent opening on our newspaper staff we are presently looking for a person with charm and the ability to interpret dreams. If you think you have what it takes please contact Jennem1@Streetsofseattle.com.
Come by Captain Don's NOW!!!.We are in great need of NEW, FRESH Teenage girls for the Holidays. We can give you a room, great food and even some money in your pocket! Change your life forever!, see the world!, come by Captain Don's by the pier! (dcrracing)
Come to Joe's Crab Shack!!! The new therapy center in downtown Seattle!! We'll deal with those crabs in your life! Just send them to us! 567-567-5789 4357 Main
Bev's Beauty Products 3457 Main Street We would like all of your new or used
yak slime. You can drop it off at our downtown location from 3 to 5 pm on week
days and 1 to 2 am on weekends. This will go to our current researching project
for our new beauty line.
Don't forget to by our new line: Gloppy Gunky Mascara and Schtuff. 3457 Main
Street
For sale: two dead and moldy chickens, still have fresh maggots see the Bum out from of the court house
For sale: cardboard chair , completed with cardboard throw and pillow Jenny @ Card Board R Us
Found a child who just stares. has nice camo outfit, completed with toy gun. please contact Jim 790-678-6787
Found: whips and chains-rusty but all the better. for trial use call Samol Brown
Fount: Guns, and lots of them talk to Eric Milton @ the police station
For sale: 43 year-1999 pre-Pulse Bibles...er, TV Guides.
Woman looking for good man-flesh. Must be taller than Woman. Thick man preferred. Mental smartness not a factor. Be ready to give Woman lots of green paper slips that Woman sees but doesn't have.
Female, tall, 20 's, blonde. Enjoys reading, writing and also into guns and
politics. Seeking a soulmate into the para military lifestyle. Must be willing
to travel. If you are an adventure seeker
please contact: A@EO.com
Male, 20's, tall, dark and good looking. Gainfully employed in medical field. Hobbies include motorcycles, Italian food and bar hopping. Seeking a short term meaningless relation based on nothing but chemistry. Any women with dark hair and love of bikes please contact: Rafer@streetsofseattle.com
Lost and Found: Seeking long lost father. I'm tall, dark and furry. Former resident from Manti...umm...V.A. hospital. If you have lost a X-1 in the last 10 years or so please contact me at Josh@EO.com
