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STREETS OF SEATTLE

EDITION 43, 2019

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

To our readers: The stories appearing in today's STREETS OF SEATTLE have been cleared by the U.S. Army under the provisions of the Martial Law Declaration of 2009 and the National Emergency Declaration of 2010.

Editor-in-Chief:   Jennem1

Senior Editor:   Daf9

Opinionated Formatting Editor:   Shnapzie

Chief Financial Officer/Management Goddess:  Logans_Babe

Editor Emeritus:   Samcrazy

Chief Reporter:   WeirdArchive

Conspiracy Girl:   CG-Double-O-Nuffin'

Contributing Reporter:   Barcodebabe

Contributing Reporter:   Syl67

Contributing Reporter:   Sebastian310

Contributing Reporter:   X-5422

Contributing Reporter:   Willow771

Contributing Reporter:   Legend10013

Contributing Reporter:   Foil_Girl

Contributing Reporter:   Mrs_Pibb

Contributing Reporter:   Jox5

Contributing Reporter:   Dammachine

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LOCAL  NEWS


MYSTERIOUS MER-CREATURE ON DISPLAY AT LOCAL TAVERN

By Sebastian310
For centuries sailors to far-off lands have told stories of beautiful sea-creatures called mermaids; half fish, half babe. However, it is more or less accepted that these creatures were simply the products of minds delirious with drink and scurvy, and that mermaids do not exist outside of wild imaginations. However, patrons of the Blowfish Tavern, a strip club for seamen and landlubbers alike in Sector 9, would argue otherwise. They claim that a beautiful woman with gills on her neck who communicated via dolphin clicks was briefly put on show there before being spirited away by masked raiders shortly before closing time. This intrepid new reporter decided to tackle this story and get to the truth behind this fishy tale.

Apparently, the mysterious mermaid, nicknamed 'Gill Girl', was first found in when she was scooped up in a net and brought aboard a fishing boat trawling in Seattle harbor (the harbor?!). One seaman, who gave only his first name, Jack, spoke about this unusual catch of the day.

"When she was first hauled aboard she was deathly pale. We thought she had been killed (by the mob) and dumped in the harbor. It wouldn't have been the first time we brought a hit victim aboard."

On closer inspection, however, Gill Girl was found to be breathing--gasping for air--and she had gills! The fisherman hurriedly placed her in a tub full of water and took her to shore, where they sold her to the Blowfish Tavern, a popular strip club famous for offering two-fers; two gorgeous honeys to enjoy for the price of one, hoo-yeah- anyway Gill Girl was given a tank to call home and put on display for the delight of the patrons.

That's the story, anyway. It might have just been a cunning hoax.

I talked to some of the patrons concerning descriptions of Gill Girl, and how they thought she did it.

A Mister Melvin said, "Dude, she was awesome- body like a supermodel man, but dude, she had gills, man, real big fishy gills, like a shark, man. That's the only way I could see how she could breathe dude."

A Mister Sketchy said, "I still can't figure out how she could breathe, man. I guess breathing tubes could have been concealed somewhere-I personally know a guy who learned to breathe through his anus..."

The owner refused to comment on how she breathed, saying, "That's for me to know and you to find out, bub."

Some patrons say they saw a barcode on the back of her neck. Perhaps she was one of the mysterious beings allegedly created by a secret military project called 'Manticore'. If so, how did she get down to the sea.

We shall probably never know, for shortly before closing eight masked men raided the tavern, smashed Gill Girl's tank and took her away. Were these government operatives stealing back one of their creations? Or a clever ploy intended to keep experts from exposing a fraud? You, the readers, must decide.

WHY THE GOVERNMENT SHOULDN'T MESS WITH MOTHER NATURE By Daf9

Last week one of the bars down by the docks created a brief stir with a new underwater dancer, "Gill Girl". Rumor has it she was one of these genetically engineered government mutants we've been hearing so much about lately. If that is what our tax dollars are paying for, it may be time to seriously consider a second Boston tea party! First, this was supposed to be a "soldier" designed to function in water, but apart from the gills, all her other organs and limbs were clearly designed to function on land. Note to President Barrows : there's a reason why mermaids have tails. And secondly, if some of the kids who hang out by the shore are to be believed this chickie dancer lays eggs. So why does she have mammary glands? The only covert operations this babe was designed to participate in are obviously those involving politicians and holiday pool parties.

UNDERWATER SPANDEX FACTORY

By Daf9

Jacques Cousteau IV announced today that he and his crew had just discovered an underwater spandex factory in the ocean just off Seattle. What's it doing there? Some wit suggested maybe it manufactures clothing for mer-persons. Come on folks, this is Christmas, not April Fools' Day.

Better lay off the sauce, Jacques.

SEATTLE MILK SHORTAGE

By X5422

Seattle--Just imagine, for hundreds of years you've gone down chimneys on Christmas Eve. And each year you have found a plate of cookies and a glass of milk waiting for you. But this year you go down the chimney and find the cookies, but you don't see any milk! All you see is a glass of water!!

This is what Santa has to look forward to this Christmas Eve. Thanks to an epidemic of Mad Cow Disease earlier this year, the number of milk cows has dwindled to a few hundred. With the cost of milk at the unheard of price of $10.75 per gallon; only the rich will be able to afford to treat Santa this year. This brings up a myriad of questions. Will Santa be willing to do without his milk or will he give out lumps of coal at milk-less houses? Or will he take his revenge by taking the Christmas tree? Many are concerned that Santa will just head back to the North Pole once he realizes that he will not be getting milk this year.

In an effort to prevent such disasters, here is a list of milk alternatives that you could leave for Santa:

--A bottle of Jack Daniels-Who could be more giving than a drunk St. Nick?

--An expensive prostitute-Do I really need to elaborate on this one?

--Front teeth-This will make it easier for him to give to all those children who want their two front teeth for Christmas.

--Sexy lingerie-This offering is actually for Mrs. Claus. But I think Santa will enjoy it too. *wink*

Maybe with the right replacement Santa will forget the lack of milk and leave presents. Maybe with enough liquor Santa will leave extra presents! Merry Christmas!

THE ANSWER TO THE HOUSING CRISIS

By Daf9

With apartment rates out of site...the cardboard condo shortage reaching a crisis and the Sector Police cracking down on squatters...where is Seattle's ever-burgeoning population to lay their hats or their heads? Enterprising young residents appear to have found the answer in the unlikeliest of places!

Some group of thugs calling themselves Ironbutts or something like that were found last week camped out in a funeral home. When asked by an SOS reporter what induced him to reside in a casket Ironbutt Eddie replied "Wot the hell.. the dead are dead ain't they? At least they don't complain when you oust them from their homes. Unlike some folks."

A tisket, a tasket

three men in a casket

had an X-5 in their pockets

silly fools done went and dropped it

RIOTS AT WAL-MART OVER LEGOS, TROOPS CALLED IN!

By WeirdArchive

You know it's the Christmas season when there are decorations everywhere, carolers singing traditional songs, the Black Market has a sale on DVD recorders...and the scent of tear gas is in the air as it was last Thursday at a local Wal-Mart in Sector 13 when outraged shoppers attempted to loot the shopping center for the newest series of Legos from Europe. Sector Police  and National Guard troops were ordered in to maintain order as several individuals tried to hijack a number of delivery trucks alleged to have Legos in their containers. To their dismay, the rigs only had foodstuffs, Christmas trees, and highly overpriced Intel-Dell Omni Series 5 computers. These items were smashed and stolen as the looters continued their rampage. According to some estimates, about $5 million of goods and $2 million in public and private property was damaged or destroyed in the melee. 150 people were injured, with an undisclosed number of fatalities from both police and civilians. Some 3,000 have been arrested and kept under military guard, pending trial. The entire area was locked down and all remaining persons were escorted to nearby Sector Checkpoints for their own safety.

The reason behind the riot was the latest edition to the Legos line known as the Great American Symbols Collection. Among some of the notable sets are the Statue of Liberty (presently the private property of the Sultan of Brunei whose ownership is being contested by members of the American Historical Recovery Society in the World Court at the Hague under the grounds of 'cultural theft'), the World Trade Center Memorial Park (in both its original artist conception and its present unfinished form), the Crazy Horse Memorial, Seattle's Space Needle (which is fetching about $300 in the Black Market), and the US Capital Building complete with concrete barriers and two F-111 Stealth Fighters. The latest wave of nostalgia, triggered by the 20th Anniversary celebration of the Great Tragedy which destroyed the Twin Towers of New York, damaged the Pentagon (which was later to be destroyed by mutinous elements of the military during the Summer of the Coups of 2014, spawned by the disastrous attempt to recapture Alaska the previous year.), and briefly united the nation before the Patriot Acts and the infamous War Against Terrorism that cost George W Bush reelection and eventually bought upon the Pulse, has gripped many Americans yearning for the good old days of plenty and freedom. The Collection, said to be  selling briskly worldwide, was made with the cooperation with the Society and part of the proceeds goes to fund further projects in preserving and rescuing American culture. Further sets from the Collection will include a series of Norman Rockwell paintings and a special Pollack edition that uses the newest Liquid Link Block that can be bent and shaped to one's imagination.

There is no word yet on when the Wal-Mart Center will be reopened. The retail chain, that has managed to survive the Pulse, the Dark Months, and the recent economic downturn, has been reporting major losses due to similar riots caused by a shortage of available goods and the cavalier attitude of some criminal overlords who regularly rob the centers, sometimes with the help of the shoppers themselves. At press time, twenty centers in the Northwest alone have been destroyed or forced to close by massive looting and rioting. President Barrows has not commented to reports that the remaining stores could be seized and placed under military control if such wanton acts continue. About 30 percent of Wal-Mart's total net income goes to its personal security forces, which has been cited by Amnesty International to be 'a step above corporate hooliganism'. There has been no comment from the company's national headquarters in St. Louis.

CALE HALLS NOT TO BE DECKED WITH BOUGHS OF HOLLY
By BarcodeBabe

There will be snow – manmade - and mistletoe, but no Cale Christmas Party this year. The family's recent misfortunes have made it impossible for them to hold their annual Christmas party gala, said family spokesman Bennett Cale. This year would have been his and his new wife Maryann's turn to host the festive gathering of family and friends and rich people.

Back in May of this year, Jonas Cale, head of the family was murdered and the family fortunes were seized in a Seattle PD investigation. To this day, Cale's murder has gone unsolved and the police have no comment. Cale's widow, Margo, also refused to comment. After Cale's death, Cale Industries, the leading manufacturer of Hoverdrone chips was seized and is now government property. The Cales' nephew, Logan, who had been instrumental in brining the story to light, could not be reached for comment.

With the family fortune gone, the Cales have had to resort to finding actual employment and are too busy to pull together massive holiday gala. In years past, the Cale Christmas Parties have cost an average of over $1.2 million a year to create. Every year the parties grew more extravagant, and the last Cale Christmas party that was actually held had the theme of "The Twelve Days of Christmas" complete with twelve drummers drumming, eleven pipers piping, ten lords a-leaping, seven swans a-swimming, six geese a-laying in pear sauce and a partridge. The family hopes to bring back the tradition of having an annual party next year. Maryann Cale has even gone so far as to hire a party coordinator.

The Cale Family wishes to express their sadness over not being able to share the Christmas spirit with everyone this year. "Merry Christmas and Happy New Year, everyone," said Bennett Cale, "Next year all our troubles will be miles away and once again we'll be making the Yuletide gay with faithful friends."

SUGGESTIONS FOR A SCALED DOWN CALE CHRISTMAS CELEBRATION

By DAF9

First and most important is to reduce the holiday from 12 days to 6… and forget the "true love"; use a current fling instead.

To exercise fiscal restraint in staging this do DAF9 (sitting in for Martha Stewart, who I've been informed is dead) recommends the following:

A partridge in a pear tree - replace with a sparrow in a pine

2 turtledoves - replace with 2 bars of Dove

3 French hens - chickens will do the trick

4 calling birds - send the cat out to drag back a few finches

5 golden rings - although they're a bit pricey they're still cheaper than the original. Onion rings from MacDonald's.

6 geese a-laying AND seven swans a swimming - Here's where the Cale family has a chance to make a really good impression. If Bennet or Maryann or one of the other Cales hurries down to the bay they may still be in time to pick up some mermaid eggs. Assuming at least six of those babies hatch before Christmas they will provide the piece de resistance to the holiday celebration.

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INTERNATIONAL NEWS

'GOVERNOR' HODGES HAS ANNUAL CHRISTMAS DINNER IN HOME, MEETS WITH FARMERS

By WeirdArchive

Following his annual tradition that he started after taking office, Republic of Alaska President 'Governor' Williams Hodges had his Christmas dinner with his fellow citizens and cabinet at a huge gala in one of the fast growing hydroponic farming communities some 10 miles north of Nome. Among those notables attending were Air Guard Commander 'Rocking' Billy Phillip Hayes, Director of the Department of Law and Order Patricia Meadows, Vice President Calvin Rutherford, and the mayor of Nome Albert Dummings IV.  Rumors of the leader of the Nation of Islam Reformed Samantha Adjia (the former Britney Spears) attending the dinner were dashed when the Exalted Reverend cancelled at the last minute due to a bout of the flu. She was represented by her personal secretary Charles Q, formerly Donald T. Grimm of the Kyoto Lakers. Also invited were about 2,000 members of the Winter Sun Hydroponic Commune, who provided the food, entertainment, and the huge meeting dome. The dome is one of the biggest structures in western Alaska, spanning some 450 feet at its center. It is often used for large gatherings, occasional commune meetings, and emergency shelters in case the other domes are damaged or destroyed. A  Christmas tree was erected at the center radius of the dome, nearly missing the ceiling by about 20  feet.

The dinner was comprised of rainbow trout, squab, Kobe beef, corn of the cob, squash, green beans, wild rice, tofu mixed with sea urchin roe and curry, apple pie, and lemon-lime sorbet, all of which was grown and cultivated by the various farms on the commune. The Winter Sun Symphony, along with the Republic of Alaska Guard Band,  played classical excerpts from 'The Nutcracker' and Beethoven's Fifth and a local country band closed out the evening with some fan favorites.

While the evening was to be festive, politics did rear its head during a brief Q&A held by the Commune's educational collective prior to the dinner. There, children ranging from kindergarten to college age asked 'Governor' Hodges, Vice President Rutherford, Air Commander Hayes, and Mayor Dummings about the current crisis with terrorism, the ongoing move for greater world recognition, and the attempts by the US to 'usurp the just and fair rule by the people, of the people, for the people'. The men gave direct and often colorful answers, some of them making the local religious leader blush with embarrassment. Air Commander Hayes did joke that he was giving Santa an air escort over Alaskan airspace so 'some rocket jockey won't get a little  crazy with his red button'. 'Governor' Hodges then added that he'll personally 'bitchslap the git who sends a missile up Santa's chimney'. Then, the President of the rogue Republic gave his annual pardons and writs of  clemency to a selected group of prisoners who had shown remorse and reform during their incarceration. Among those not getting a pardon were the surviving members  of the former National Guard units still loyal to the US imprisoned for 'treason against the Republic and the people'. Finally, Hodges signed a series of trade agreements with its Bering Strait Pact partners, which were approved by the Alaskan Citizens Assembly during its Fall Session.

Although the White House has annually denounced these dinners as showboating, this year's celebration was met with quiet protest and none of the usual fiery rhetoric of the past. A spokesman only hinted that President Barrows and some of his staff had come down with a cold and could not respond at the present time.

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ADVERTISEMENT

MERRY CHRISTMAS, HAPPY HANUKKAH, GOOD KWANZAA, JOYOUS WINTER SOLSTICE, AND A HAPPY NEW YEAR TO ALL MEMBERS OF THE STREETS OF SEATTLE AND THE CITIZENS OF THIS FINE CITY FROM THE FOLLOWING MERCHANTS:

Uncle Franky's Chicken in A Box

Misery K's Attitude Adjusters

R&J's Reclamation Specialists

The Three R's Used Appliance Shop

Ms. Fixit's Auto Salvage

Crazy Jerry's Video Castle

The Alaskan Hydroponics Council

The Greater Western Methane Energy Company

Sal's Travels

Andy's Holistic Emporium

US Re-Cy

The Canadian Beef Council

The Canadian Farmers Union

The Vancouver Board of Tourism

The Sector Police of The Seattle Military Quadrant

The Government of The Republic of Korea

And finally, The Republic of Alaska Bureau of Foreign Workers and Free Trade

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HEALTH

HEALTH WATCH

By Daf9

The Seattle medical community issued an alert today directed at the female population of this city. Seems there's a young stud named Alec (last name unknown) strutting around these days that is a carrier of a highly unusual and incredibly infectious form of …. Well we can't actually tell you what it is because this is a PG-13 rated paper. Suffice it to say; you don't want to catch it. Not only is it painful but also embarrassing; doubly so if your mother ever finds out! A word to the wise...

SUDDEN OUTBREAK OF CHICKEN POX SPOILS THE PRE-CHRISTMAS FESTIVITIES

By Daf9

Seattle's adult population has been laid low this week with an outbreak of unusually virulent chicken ox. Health professionals agree that individuals who have had the infection as children are generally immune to further episodes for the remainder of their lives. But this week alone local hospitals have reported at least three dozen cases of adults who had chicken pox as children coming in with high fevers and the characteristic rash. The CDC has sent investigators but so far no explanation has been forthcoming.

Upon further investigation CDC scientists report that the new strain of chicken pox appears to have acquired genes from another virus altogether, making the strain unusually mutagenic; more like a flu virus. Hence its ability to infect adults who should have acquired immunity as children.

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COMPANY NEWS

COMPANY CHRISTMAS BANQUET

By Logans_Babe

A beautiful Christmas tree, made out of stacked champagne bottles, was one of the many attractions at this year's annual company Christmas banquet. Other attractions included Santa Clause, exotic dancing elves, and a meal fit for Santa and all his elves!

This year's party took off with a bang - literally - when a drunken employee climbed to the top of the champagne bottle Christmas tree and knocked the whole thing over. The bottles broke open, spilling champagne on everyone and everything. Editor Samcrazy said she witnessed dogman come into the building and start lapping up the champagne.

Despite being wet, the employees were thrilled when greeted with food that included turkey, duck. ham, and tofu. In the rush to get to the food, two people were sent to the hospital. Many reporters were seen stuffing their purses and pockets full with baked goods, little bags of corn, and one  employee brought in his own house (card board box). Sector police who just happened to stop by to "investigate" the party stopped him. They confiscated the turkey he took as evidence.

Santa Claus made his traditional visit with elves and actual reindeer. He was brought in for the children of the employees, but few came. So a few of the employees decided to amuse themselves and sit on Santa's lap. After an hour of waiting in line, Logans_babe decided to kick DAF9 and her mile long list off of Santa's lap. DAF9, feeling cheated out of her time with Santa, followed him when he went to use the restroom. About a half hour later he came streaking out of the restroom with no clothes on, screaming something incoherent. It turns out Santa was a fake, it was actually DTM just dressed up as Santa. It is unsure what went on (and we are not hinting at anything), but currently a picture of "Santa" laying on the bathroom floor buck-naked is floating around.

Chief reporter Weirdarchive had invited some of his close and personal friends: Exotic Dancing Elves. They were extremely popular. The chief editor Jennem1 herself was seen running off with three of the male elves. The elves ended with a routine and took Weird out the door. We have yet to hear from him.

The bartenders had gotten all dressed up for this special occasion no doubt intending to grab a hot date. DCRRacing just happened to be one of the ones that the bartender "Thelma" grabbed. They were cuddling in a *very* dark corner. After asking her to be a part of Captain Don's, he dumped her on the floor. Obviously no one had told him that the bartenders were actually cross-dressers.

Of course there was a *real* Christmas tree, and it had everyone oooing and ahhing. Not long after Sportzgirl16 had shown up, she had enticed 727angel into a decoration fight. We don't have to tell you more than a few people walked home with bruises and cuts.

In the midst of frenzy, Thejerk2k1, Syl167,Dark_Fairy__ were unwrapping the employee presents with haste. They got away with over $2,000 in presents before they were stopped. When told to give them back, they threatened exposure of just what was going on in SOS. Needless to say they still have the presents.

The food pantries were raided of cheese, cookies, and herbal gummies. The culprits were later found to be JOX5, 2NDMOUSEVV, and Legend10013.

According to the latest poll, even though the employees of SOS went home bruised, battered, and more than a little drunk and fat they had a good time and can't wait till the New Years Eve party.

LOGANS_BABE: FROM RAGS TO RICHES.  WHAT ROLE DID THE COMPANY PICNIC PLAY IN HER METEORIC RISE TO THE TOP?

By Daf9

Those of us who have been at SOS since the very beginning remember Logans_Babe when she was just a mail girl. Suddenly, just a few months later she was promoted to Chief Financial Officer. There were rumblings of nepotism. People were asking "Is Logans_Babe Jennem1's secret love child or does she just have friends in high places?" But either we are lousy reporters or they have kept the evidence well hidden because none was ever found. In any case, after last year's incident at the company picnic, most employees believed that Logans_Babe was destined to sink into obscurity but, surprisingly, she has continued to ascend. Witness her latest promotion to Management Goddess. Was there more to that company picnic thing than meets the eye? Was that Chippendale dancer not what he appeared to be? And why was he last seen in company of Jennem1 - where did they go and who was that man in the wheelchair who followed them? Where did WEIRDARCHIVES--who seemed to be having a great time up till then--disappear to immediately following Logans_Babe's arrest? Was Shnapzie's sudden illness just a ruse? Why after all this time has Conspiracy Girl not given us the scoop yet? The SOS  employees are REALLY curious.

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EDITORIAL

SAAAY, WHATEVER HAPPENED TO……?

By Shnapzie

Those of you old enough to remember pre-Pulse days, think back for a minute.  Those individuals who were bestowed the title of "celebrity" were the closest we had to deities on Earth.  It seemed that everybody was more interested in what was happening to these people than what was happening in one's own family.  Many Americans knew intimate details about the private lives of the stars but didn't even know the first names of their next-door neighbors.  Several magazine chains – People, US, Entertainment Weekly – were devoted to the goings on in the world of the famous.  There was even a cable channel, E!, that was all entertainment, all the time.  Getting the "star treatment" was coined referring to what lengths were went to in making sure that the celebrity was comfortable.  People did everything but bow down and kiss their feet.  (Well, who knows?  Maybe that actually did happen.)

It's funny to see how the Pulse affected the stars.  Tom Cruise secluded himself in his mansion, but then watched it get looted after the electronic security was disabled, pinned to the wall by a crazed fan of Nicole Kidman's wielding a handmade grenade.  Some of the more egotistical stars have resorted to that medical travesty known as "genetucking."  Julia Roberts disappeared from public view for years, and was later discovered as being one of the handmaids to Samantha Adjia (the former Britney Spears), leader of the Nation of Islam Reformed.  Bill Murray was very hard hit.  He had invested nearly all of his fortune in numerous electronic venues.  Poof—gone.  Since then, he has taken to performing stand-up comedy and amateur magic in several small nightclubs.  Robert Downey Jr. took the opportunity to flee the country during the ensuing confusion.  Reportedly, he now answers to the title of "Czar Bob" and heads one of the largest underground drug empires in the western hemisphere.  Though hunted furiously by the Tri-Country International Intelligence Department (TCIID), they have yet to establish which country he is operating from.

A few lucky celebrities were able to rise from the ashes of the Pulse, as evidenced by the reviews of our movie critic, WeirdArchive.  But even with today's famous people, their "kingdoms" are much smaller than those of their predecessors.  That so extremely loyal American public now has more important things to worry about (like where to get the medication that the hospital "misplaced," or avoiding the freaky sci-fi creatures the are running around everywhere these days) than who's carrying who's baby, or who's come out of the closet recently. But hopefully, eventually the Gods Entertainment, Frivolity, and Leisure will be able to defeat the Titans Poverty, Corruption, and Depression that rule the Earth today.

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FEATURES

LETTERS TO SANTA

Dear Santa

I have been a good boy this year, so far I have only managed to start war in one country and I plan to start war in another. I'm doing this for your benefit so that you don't have to check Osama bin Laden as bad on your list...cause he'll already be dead (bwahahaha).

Here is what I want for Christmas:

-100 new AV-8B V/STOL (vertical/short takeoff and landing) fighter jets

-50 Tomahawk cruise missiles

-6 F-22 Raptors (fighter jets)

-A walk-in closet full of naughty lingerie

-My very own Paint with Water "War Strategists" coloring book

-And most of all Santa...could you bring me 2nd MouseVV? I really like her style and her frying pan.

Thank you Santa.

Yours truly,

George Bush  

Dear Imposter

You don't fool me for a minute. You are far, FAR too coherent to be the REAL George Bush.  Now beat it before I call the elves.

DAF9

(for Santa Claus who is too busy to deal with riff-raff like you)

Dear Santa,

I've been very good this year. I've only hit my sister 5 out of 15 times that I wanted to.  Anyway, all I want for Christmas is one of those genetically engineered dog things that have been running around. I hear they can play a mean game of fetch.

Thanks,

Joe Shmoe, age 7  

Dear Santa:

I know you're part of the Greater Conspiracy to subvert us and all I want for Christmas is for you to admit your villainy to everyone!!  Um...that and a new bike. A black Humvee destroyed my old one.

Sincerely,

a disciple of CG double-oh-nuffin'  

Dear Santa,

All I want for Christmas is to have my Daddy come home. Last year he got real sick and Mommy said he had to go to heaven. But I really miss him. He was a real good Daddy and  I'm sure he misses me too.

Love,

Little Bit  

Dear Santa,

For Christmas I want a Billy Bonfire Action Figure. Not the little one, the big one with the red uniform and the bendy knees and the optional Radar Ranger backpack and Sub-Atomic weapons kit. Like the one that Sam has. Sam is a pain in the butt. He always has new toys because he has so many daddies. He says his Billy Bonfire was the last one at the store so I can't have one. But he leaves his window open at night and he's real hard to wake up and I'm pretty used to used toys. And you're pretty used to going into people's houses late at night.  If you know what I mean. And I think you do.

Thanks.

Joe  

Dear Santa,

For Christmas I would like to have JAMA accept my article entitled "Temporary Restoration of Neural Function in a Paraplegic Transfused with Blood from a Manticore X-5".

Sincerely yours,

Dr. Sam  

Dear Santa,

I would my own set of faeries. Not those weird toy ones, but real ones!  I would like a fire faerie with an asymmetrical skirt with two layers that are ruffled (orange and red) and a red midriff older neck. Also, an air faerie with a one shouldered ruffled white top and matching skirt, an earth faerie with a green strapless top and green skirt, and then a water faerie with.....

Ellen  

Dear Santa......oh DEAR DEAR SANTA...I am uhhhhhhhhhhh....11..sure, 11 why not! And I  want one and only one thing this year.....a man....hey!  We're a different generation than when you were a kid, ok?  Please bring me Hayden Christensen complete with blond hair, blue eyes, and that sexy lightsaber..I love JEDI!  

Dear Santa,

My ex husband Loogie used to be a hottie but now he looks like a geek. For Christmas please bring me his old hair and glasses so he can NEVER FIND THEM AGAIN!!!!

Kisses,

Val  

Dear Santa,

There's this guy named Adam. Works/lives on a farm someplace. Please tell him I'm sorry and give him all my love for Christmas.

Thanks,

Max  

Dear Santa,

Dr. Tanaka told me that you don't exist - but just in case he was wrong please send me an electroporator and a new pipetman so I can continue my cloning experiments.

Your friend

Jude  

Dear Santa,

My mom's become a vegetablarian. What I want for Christmas is for you to make all the tofurkey in the world to disappear.

PS. I've been very good ...well except for feeding the Thanksgiving tofurkey to Fido.

PPS. I'm a meet eater

Billy M.  

Dear Santa,

I'm kinda afraid of fires so I would like a fire extinguisher and a new house made of totally non fam...non-flami....stuff that doesn't burn.

P.S. My aunt makes great cookies

Love

Sage  

Dear Santa

My dentist Dr. DTM doesn't believe in you. Please send him lots of teeth for Christmas so he doesn't keep trying to take mine.

Joey  

Dear Santa,

All I want for Christmas is to have butterfly ballots banned FOREVER.

Best Wishes

Your pal

Albert Gore  

ODDITIES

By Logans_Babe

Just the other day I saw carolers out with a big crowd listening to them and I decided to hear what they were singing. Oh they had all types of songs from O Christmas Tree to Hark The Herald Angels Sing. All were adapted to fit the Post-Pulse time. One caught my eye: the 12 Days Of Christmas. You know how the song goes so I will just relate the 12 things that were given.

A genetically enhanced man just for me

Two plucked chickens

Three sector passes

Four motorcycles

Five lumps of coal

Six SOS editions

Seven fire barrels

Eight cardboard condos

Nine Jampony messengers

Ten water heaters

Eleven bionic body parts

Twelve wads of yak slime

Well, at least we still have normal songs like Jingle Bells.

SHOPPING IN POST-PULSE AMERICA

By Jox5

The Christmas season is here and once again people are wondering what is hot with kids. We can't give them video games and movies like pre-pulse days but Santa still must come down the chimney (or whatever you people living in boxes tell your kids).

After talking with several shop owners, kids, and street Santas I was able to make a list of the top 5 gifts kids want to find under the Christmas tree.

5.  Candy--Some things never change; the only difference between pre- and post-pulse kids is that post pulse are happy with only candy.

4.  Clothes--Kids are having a hard time keeping up with the latest fashions now that they can't go shopping every time a magazine comes out.

3. Boxes--Every kid wants their own room and when they see they get to live in a box alone they will love you for life.

2.   Batteries--It is harder than ever to keep electronic toys running; families with little money can give batteries and the kids will be happy until they run out.

1. Toy hoverdrones--Pre-pulse children had helicopters, and now they have hoverdrones. The sector police will be giving them out for free at check stop 4 from 8am-3pm until Christmas (may contain camera).

OLD FASHIONED CHRISTMAS GIFTS YOUR FRIENDS WILL LOVE!

By Syl67

Way back in the 90's, when your parents and grandparents were worried about silly things like the 'Millennium Bug' and 'global warming', it was fashionable to scoff at the traditional Christmas gifts that Americans had been enjoying fifty and one hundred years earlier. Nowadays, we know better. Tradition and nostalgia are best. We at Streets Of Seattle have put together a list of things that your friends and family will appreciate today!

Family

--Socks. It used to be that you could get in your car, drive to *mart and buy a pair of socks for $2.99. Well, now *mart is bankrupt, and you don't have $2.99 anyway. Hand knit wool socks, just like your great-grandmother used to make, will be enjoyed by everyone who has cold feet and walks to work in the rain and snow. Even ugly, funny-colored, lumpy socks are good to wear to bed when the roof is leaking and the heat is out.

--Fruitcake. Ok, your parents told you it was icky. But fruitcake is just full of calories! One  five-pound fruitcake has enough calories to keep you going for a week. And if you are really hungry, you can really appreciate all the butter, nuts, and sticky candied fruit. Brandy or rum-soaked fruitcakes are an especially thoughtful gift. Don't feel like baking? Just give the rum or brandy!

--Underwear. Select the sort of underwear your friend will enjoy most. If he or she is squatting in an unheated, unfinished 'storage' space, try the warmest, itchiest wool long underwear you can find (scratching keeps you warm! Really!) For your conservative, used-to-be-Republican Dad, find him some pre-Pulse silk boxers. The 'working girl' on your list will appreciate slinky, lacy, thong back panties, and so will her clients!

Children

--A little red wagon. This is a classic Christmas gift! Any child on your list will be happy to get a little red wagon, especially if it still has all four wheels. Missy or Junior can use it to collect scrap metal and aluminum cans!

--Hand-made wooden toys. Any child on your list will love a beautiful, carefully crafted toy. They will 'antique' it with shoe polish and sandpaper, then trade it to a Japanese tourist for the video game console that they really wanted.

--A puppy. Even angry, hard-to-please teens will love getting a puppy for Christmas. Large, longhaired dogs are especially warm on cold winter nights. Better yet, careful training will turn even the most friendly and loving puppy into a vicious, crazed, attack dog!

Friends

--Accordion. Once upon a time, everyone loved accordion music. Your friends will love it again, because they can keep playing polkas even when the power is out! (You may wish to consider this gift for someone who doesn't live in the same building. Playing the accordion takes a little practice)

--Neckties. Sorry, no one wants these now either. But a stylish silk cravat or a toasty wool muffler will keep your friend warm, and hide his or her unfortunate gang tattoos.

--Coal. Coal is the traditional stocking-stuffer for the bad child. It is supposed to remind the little heathen of the fires of Hell if he or she doesn't shape up. With today's energy prices, everyone will tell Santa  "I've been bad! I've been really bad!"

Now, more than ever, we need the comfort of custom, tradition, and the love of friends and family. Let your loved ones know how much you care by giving them a gift that will make their lives a little more comfortable, a little warmer, and a little happier.

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CONSPIRACY

IT'S ALL FUN AND GAMES….FROM THE ARCHIVES OF CG DOUBLE-OH-NUFFIN

By 2NDMOUSEVV

"We wish you a merry Christmas, we wish you a merry Christmas, we wish you a merry Christmas and a happy new year!"

Ah, yes, the holiday season! Snow (sometimes), presents, pretty trees, good will towards all, Rudolph, Santa and Santa's little helpers...ah yes, the elves.  What could be more festive, you might ask, than little men with pointed ears dressed up in ridiculous costumes? But, my friends, you will soon learn the error of your ways.  Ah, yes, elves, jolly people with pointed ears who are *abnormally* small. As mythical as Griffins and Manticores, and much less dangerous! That is the gravest and most erroneous assumption you could make.

For the elves are more than jolly little men, yes, my friends, much more...Many, many years ago, the government officials of a country that shall remain nameless, decided that their usual methods of controlling the populace just weren't good enough.  After all, you can put listening devices and other such things in a person's home, but you  can't search their domiciles very well when someone's at home. A full grown man sorting through a woman's lingerie drawer and therefore INVADING HER PRIVACY, ahem, pardon me, is rather hard to ignore, and also quite easy to *hurt*...but I digress.

The government thought, and pondered, and thought some more. If not for the fact of one of those government officials having a small child, they might *never* have thought up one of the most devious and wicked schemes yet.

This government official went home and was asked to read a *Christmas* bedtime story to his youngest child...and *that* was when he had the brainstorm.  What could be more non-threatening, he thought, than beloved characters from children's' stories? And so the plot began.

Through selective breeding, genetic manipulation and the help of certain designers, who shall also remain nameless, they finally developed what they decided to term their "Invisible Friends" (a few of the scientists had rather *interesting* mental problems, which aided me in my research). And so it started...  An elf could break into a person's home (down the chimney, ironically, became their  favorite entry point), search around, and never be caught. For if an adult found them, they  would think they were hallucinating, because everyone knows that there are *no such things as elves*! If a child found one, the elf would merely ignore it and continue on its way. If the child told anyone the adults would merely think said child had an "imaginary friend".

So this year, friends, listen to your kids. If they say they saw an elf searching through your closet a few minutes ago, grab a bat and start swinging!

Oh, and if you see a guy with a broken nose, wrist splint and a weird welt across his face, please stomp on his left foot for me.

Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good fight!

IS IT A CONSPIRACY OR NEW MATH?

By Daf9

Parents beware! Just when you figured you had math figured out back when  you were a kid what happened? You graduated of course! And then YOUR kids came along and you discovered they had changed EVERYTHING. The latest horror…apparently kids are no longer subtracting numbers from numbers. You know, like take one from five and what's left? Now they're teaching them to remove numbers from body parts like seven from elbow or three from knee; eight from appendix or two from teeth? And is there any significance to the fact that two from teeth AND teeth from two both sound like old pre-Pulse songs? All I want for Christmas is my two from teeth...embedded neatly in the dashboard of an old pre-Pulse Ferrari.

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ADVICE

DEAR DR. LOVE

Dear Doctor Love,

With Christmas coming up I desperately need a hot date for all the family gatherings. I've tried a doctor, but he is always on call so no one believes I am really going out with a doctor. I've tried a lawyer, but my parents wanted him to do cases for us for free. I've tried a policeman, but he found out we were growing pot in our backyard and put us in jail.

Who should I get this Christmas?

Thanks,

Confused    

Dear Confused,

I think your safest bet is to go with a garbage man. Sure he perpetually smells bad, but that will work to your advantage. Think of it this way: no one will stick around long enough to get to know him and there will be more food for you!

The Doc

Steph    

Dear Doctor Love,

I have a wee little problem. I have an obsession. . .with belly button lint. I collect my own as well as that of others. I have been know to accost strangers on the street and remove the lint from their bellybuttons. This has resulted in numerous arrests.  What can I do?

Linty    

Dear Linty,

The solution to your problem is to have your gall bladder removed laporoscopically. During this procedure your gall bladder is removed through an incision in your navel. The band-aid has to stay on for several weeks and when it comes off the resulting scar looks SO GROSS you will have no desire to look at it, let alone poke around to find lint. Alternatively, you could trade your belly button lint for some unwashed socks. Trust me, it'll cure your obsession.

DAF9

Dear Doctor Love,

I dyed my hair with this stuff I bought from the Streets of Seattle classifieds, and now my boyfriend says my head looks like a giant pumpkin.  He says he could deal with it at Halloween and Thanksgiving, but he can't bring a pumpkinhead home to the folks for Christmas. What do I do?

Sincerely,

Jackie Lantern  

Dear Pumpkinhead

I would recommend dying your hair red and green and putting in some blinking lights, a little tinsel....

Either that or contact DAF9 who for a price will tweak your bf's DNA to generate a little colorblindness.   

ANSWERING YOUR DREAMS

By Legend10013

Hi, and welcome to "Answering your dreams" column. Now that I've cleared out Dr. Stacey's office and put my stuff in here I'll have more time to slee...uumm...I mean help you. By the way if you are interested in Dr. Stacey's stuff there will be a auction on E-bay. Contact me if you are interested in buying my self esteem, too.

I'm Legend10013. Guru to the stars. I'm glad to be here to help people in need, or so the ad says. Let's hear from some of our readers.

I dream about a girl on a horse. She rides up to my door. I hold out my hand and then she smiles. My heart melts. A few moments pass as I notice that we are floating. She looks back at me shocked. And..and...something inside of me makes me tell her that she's safe. Then we beginning flying. She giggles happily. I turn to look at her then in a instant her hair turns blonde, her face and I notice I'm on the ground again. She hands me a newspaper with the headline "Aliens are here to save us!". Please tell me what it all means.
CK@SV.com

The girl in the first part of your dream will always be your fantasy. The flying part of it indicates that you think you'll have to be a..a.what's the word I'm looking for..superman..yes, that sounds good. A superman to have her within reach. The blonde girl is someone who you can see a future with. That headline with aliens are here to save the world indicates you have been drinking a wee bit too much eggnog. When you sober up and you still need answers you might try spending time alone or talking to your parents CK.
Legend10013@SOS.com

Dear Mr. Legend. I've been having nightmares for about eleven months or so. A large hourglass sits at my work desk. The sand flows swiftly as I approach it. I hear a voice crying out "Work faster, faster..." I rush to my desk and do the mountain of work as fast as I can. My hands become blistered at the furious pace I keep but the sands in the hourglass are nearly done. A large red beast laughs loudly and the unfinished work falls down upon my head burying me. I try to break free.....then I wake up in a cold sweat. What does it mean Mr. Legend?           283235293E@SWS.com

Oh my, ahhh....ummm...seeing as it's almost Christmas I feel that I really can't help you. See, your dream is about your boss. The big guy. Normally I'd try to help you but I've been a good cookie monster this year and I expect Santa to bring me presents. Sorry Mr. Elf. This is really a union problem. I suggest speaking to your local Elf toy making rep. Have a merry X-mas anyway. Legend10013@SOS.com

I don't usually do this sort of thing but I can't sleep or eat. My problem is that I don't dream. I mean I have hopes and stuff but not dreams. There's like flashbacks that I get. I see a girl...dark hair....then a pair of eyes. Is there something wrong with me? Do I need to see a doctor? I was recently in a accident or so I was told.
Anonymous@farmers.com

Accident you say? Well, I'd have to say that they are probably nothing and your dreams should slowly come back to you if you give it time. The girl in your dreams may be a memory of a sister or a girl you've loved.
Legend10013@SOS.com

PS. Have a merry X-mas and happy New Year everyone!

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ENTERTAINMENT

SHOCK AT ATHENS! BLEETH GENETUCK & NUM!

By WeirdArchive

'REAL' YASMINE BLEETH FOUND AS GENETUCK AND NUM JUNKIE, KIDNAPPING GIRLS TO BE REMADE INTO HER IMAGE. POLICE STUNNED!

The ongoing Genetucking Scandal in Expatriate Hollywood took a disturbing turn no one had ever thought could happen except in old style horror movies. An anonymous tip and a dead body led members of Genetics Safety Enforcement Division of the World Health Organization and the European Police Force to the mansion of Yasmine Bleeth in Athens, Greece. There, they found one of the most shocking examples of the growing abuse of cosmetic genetic enhancement: a  group of kidnapped women in various stages of becoming the very same actress who has also been discovered to be addicted to the narcotic addiction suppressant Num.

In the raid, the G.S.E. and police found an untold number of kidnapped girls imprisoned and kept under a Spartan diet and exercise program under the care of armed guards and automated servants. By some estimates, 115 girls were being held in the huge 150-acre mansion surrounded by the latest security protocols and an artificial moat to quell intrusion. The real actress was found in a bed, surrounded by the mummified remains of her husband, three children, and an unknown number of unidentifiable corpses set up like a Pharaoh's tomb, and looking more like a ninety year old than her actual age of 53 with her right arm hooked to an IV drip containing a mixture of Num and other indeterminate material (though highly refined recombinant DNA has not been ruled out).  Also found in her bedroom were several machines of an undisclosed nature, looking more like 'hospital white coffins with enough tubes and wires to make FRANKENSTEIN look cheap'. In these coffins, twenty girls, ranging in ages from 19 to 40, were being put through what one member of the G.S.E. called 'torture of the unspeakable, ranking up there with Mengele'. Some reports had the changes ranging from minor like hair coloring and iris pigmentation to full blown genetic reconstruction of the actress complete with memories of her life. An unidentified agent had described how some of the girls had suddenly collapsed into 'mushy fleshy sacs not even close to human' when the machines were finally shut down, giving off a smell he called 'a mixture of  overly ripe honeydew melons and pus'. Some had heard both the real actress and some of the changelings' scream in pain during the shutdown. The condition of the twenty has not been disclosed, though unconfirmed reports have seven to ten 'changelings' dead from Genetuck Withdrawal and shock while the rest are undergoing psychiatric care and possible gene therapy to recover as much of their original DNA as  possible.

While the actress had recently condemned Neve Campbell and Denise Richards (who presently under quarantine at an undisclosed location), the European Police had the actress under suspicion for several unsolved missing women  cases and a string of disappearances involving her youthful and mostly female staff. According to some sources, the leads were mostly circumstantial and weren't enough for a warrant until a body washed ashore on the beach of a local Greek vacation resort whose name is being withheld for privacy. At first, the  nude body was mistaken for Ms. Bleeth until a DNA test discovered several strains that bore the telltale signs of  Genetucking. "You see," Director of the G.S.E. Hans Buren said on the telephone after the raid, "as the body ages, the number of junk DNA tends to increase and damage the strains. This in part causes wrinkles, slower metabolism, and some of the other signs of aging. When the body is being Genetucked,  the junk DNA is removed and broken down. Those bits are then rebuilt as close to the original DNA strain as possible and reintroduced to the subject. The revived strain then helps repair the damage. The trouble is the chance of mutation is increased greatly by this  procedure and, if not properly supervised, the patient might contract anything from cancer to an unhealthy mutation that radically alters the body chemical of the person and turns him into something inhuman.". The number of junk DNA in the body was suspect and a search along the waterways led eventually to the Bleeth Estate. After not receiving a  satisfactory answer from the supposedly real Ms. Bleeth, the order was given by a judge from the Balkans Judicial District of  the European Court to raid the mansion.

The presence of Num on the Bleeth Estate as well as the corpses of her family and victims was almost as shocking as the discovery of the Genetucking equipment. While Ms. Bleeth was arrested for cocaine possession in September 11, 2001 and had gone for treatment after a plea bargain agreement, it was not known if her cocaine addiction had relapsed and if she had underwent Numex therapy. Records of those who had received such treatment were erased in  the Pulse and those remaining hard copy files were sealed by a prior court order during the recall of 2008. While the effects of Num are well known, some of the  extremes have been puzzling. Among some of them were the ability of total recall, heighten sensory input, alleged ESP and precognition, and even some accelerated thought patterns which had given rise to increased IQ and understanding. These 'benefits' were unfortunately temporary and the subjects who had experienced them often fell into depression and eventual murderous rage. A preliminary autopsy of some of the corpses indicted blunt force trauma and strangulation. Though the times of the deaths have yet to be determined, it's suggested Ms. Bleeth's family had died shortly after her interview dealing with the Genetucking controversy.

At press time, the condition of Ms. Bleeth was not disclosed, though it is rumored she is still alive and under observation by G.S.E. personnel. The women who were not subjected to the Genetucking equipment were later released and returned to their families. About fifteen members of Ms. Bleeth household have been detained for questioning and possible charges could be filed against them. Ms. Bleeth's bank accounts have been frozen pending a class action civil suit submitted by an undisclosed number of plaintiffs. The mansion is under quarantine and the Genetucking equipment has been seized as evidence and sent to a secure facility. So far, the G.S.E. have not suggested filing additional charges under the Ho Chi Minh Accords until the creators of the Genetucking equipment have been discovered. The European Police have put out an APB for the immediate Balkan District and has alerted the UN Middle East Trusteeship Military Command to search the civilized zones for any suspicious arrivals. It is not known if any further arrests are forthcoming.

SO WHAT WAS ALL THE FUSS ABOUT?

By Daf9

Last night marked the debut of The New Beatles; cloned versions of the original Fab Four whose release on the music world had only been awaiting the death of  Paul McCartney, the last surviving member of the famous 60s rock and roll group. This much anticipated concert may put to rest once and for all the old "nature versus nurture" debate. The music was banal and the chemistry between audience and band non-existent.  After a short and remarkably quiet set of only about 20 minutes the audience started to leave, followed shortly thereafter by the band. Some things neither genetics nor technology will ever be able to duplicate.

MOVIE REVIEWS

By WeirdArchive

On Cineplex, Canada:

LEATHER CHICKS (GONNA SAVE YOU AZZ!), 2005, starring Katherine Heigl, Shiri Appleby, Majandra Delfino, Emilie de Ravin, and Julie Benz. Written and directed by Kevin Smith, James Kistefer, and Rob Zombie. Rated R. On the surface, the film looks like one of those cheesier parodies of clichéd genre movies that drove most critics and filmgoers crazy. But, on a closer examination, it's actually a well written, even handed ode to the great exploitation pictures shown in drive-ins during the 50s to the 70s. Zombie met Kistefer in Sundance after the multiple wins of his debut documentary THE NEED FOR SPEED. (In fact, it was Zombie's deciding vote that got him the audience prize.) They immediately clicked and discovered they shared a love of exploitation cinema where the hot chicks rode motorcycles and kicked tail, the law flirted with evil, older women carried shotguns and took no BS, and outlaws were the only good guys in a hopeless land. Together, they started on a script dealing with a group of biker chicks (Heigl, Delfino, de Ravin, Benz) that must recruit the youngest and most goodhearted sisters of the lead biker  (Appleby) to stop the sheriff and mayor from unleashing a demonic evil threatening  the town. Smith came aboard when Zombie briefly took ill and liked what he saw so much, he stayed around after Zombie recovered. The three agreed the film should run smoothly, but their individual styles must be preserved. That's why there's an even mix of pop culture references (Smith), intense car chases and action (Kistefer), and a lot of undead creeps and exploitation moments (Zombie) to keep everyone happy. The screen is filled with many of the drive-in and indie cult actors and directors in cameos, from Karen Black to Roger Corman to Piper Laurie to even an uncredited appearance by Dario and Asia Argento and Jack Nicholson. While the plot is simple and easy to figure out, the fun is seeing the actors and directors pulling no punches and pushing the limits in giving the audience what they want: an edge of your seat thrill ride! This picture won 4 Popcorns at the MTV Movie Awards and the entire cast and crew received special recognition trophy for their work on the film. This one is the best of the parodies and the best homage to a long overlooked genre. Contains violence, nudity, sexual content, paranormal matters, dangerous stunts, drugs, gore, and language. Parents Strongly Cautioned

GRACE, 2004, Starring Stockard Channing, Majandra Delfino, and Gillian Anderson. Directed by Gillian Anderson. Rated R. While most would agree Anderson's sexuality was a private matter (She came out of the closet late in life after THE X-FILES finished production and she started her directing career), most would also agree having her use her position as actor/director to advance her views of women's sexuality was a precarious affair at best. Channing plays Grace, a middle aged woman and retired teacher left alone in the world after her husband leaves her for another woman and all her children had gone to college. Suddenly, a liberal arts student name Amanda (Delfino) shows up and asks for some tutoring since her grades are falling and she's in danger of losing her scholarship. Desperate for the company, Grace accepts and the two women soon become fast friends and then...things get a little complicated as Grace is torn between her budding love for a girl who could pass for her own daughter and the respect and relationship with her sister Peggy (Anderson) who is a born again Christian. Granted, the love scenes between Channing and Delfino are sensual, showing mature women can be sexy on screen, and May/December lesbian affairs are nothing to be ashamed about, but you just have the feeling you're being preached to rather than being shown a woman determined to make a momentous decision in her life that could have consequences both bad and good. It's more melodrama suited for LIFETIME Television than the big screen. If you like movies where the heroine finds love in the most unexpected and delightful place and can stomach some unneeded rants about sexual  bigotry, this might be your film. Contains nudity, strong sexual content, and derogatory language involving gays. Parents Strongly Cautioned.

LETTERS TO THE EDITOR

Dear Editor,

Please please PLEASE inform your readers that DAF9 is NOT related to the Mister 9 mentioned in the last edition of your paper. My cardboard condo has been broken into at LEAST six times since that edition came out by peeps looking for bullets. I got pullets but no bullets. No bullets, no blow gun darts, no spitballs, no arrows, no thermonuclear weapons, no biological weapons...well except for the .... no biological weapons, no ammo of ANY kind.

So knock it off okay?? You're disturbing my sparrows. They'll never grow turkey sized by Christmas at this rate.

Sincerely,

DAF9

Dear Editer,

I saw Mr. Weirdarchives story about the man talking to the dog and what happened to him. My brother Joey talks to his goldfish ALL THE TIME. Shood I be worried?

yer friend

Katie

Dear Editor,

On the basis of your ad in the Thanksgiving edition, I purchased one of those genetically enhanced sparrows advertised by DAF9. It's December 14 already and that sucker is still no bigger than a robin, in spite of consuming AT LEAST two pounds of bird seed EACH AND EVERY DAY. I want my money back!!!!!

Hates avians

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CLASSIFIEDS/PERSONALS

FOR SALE: 5 lb. ball of belly button lint. $1.00 per pound. Call 35897410265482 for more information.   

Wanted: One post-pulse Lurker action figure complete with turkey bomber and turkeys in good condition. Will trade for some good pre-pulse satin and silk lingerie. Call at 1-800-mix-a-lot.  

Old lady with saggy boobs wanting old man with saggy [deleted]. 555-555-555. 

One hand model looking for relationship with another hand model. Must have great looking hands, no dirty fingernails.  

For sale or trade:  3 bottles of Silly String.  Blue, electric green, and yellow.

Seizure aerobic instructors wanted.  Do the Seizure! It's the latest fitness craze to sweep Seattle. Experience preferred but not required. Lead the beginners, advanced, seniors or the handicapped classes Apply to the wheelchair accessible Meester Pres seizure studios or by email at this_is_offensive@canyoutakeajoke.com