Disclaimer: I do not own them! Stop asking me!

Author's notes: What, I have to have something to say? Okay, okay,
I'll spit something out. This episode of "As the Slayer Messes Up"
is brought to you by Angel, storyteller extrodinaire. In fact,
his narrative opens and closes this little piece of fiction
(so, in case you were wondering, no, I _don't_ insert myself
into this story. Often). So, sit tight, relax, and have
some popcorn or something. You look hungry.

A BIG THANKS TO: My Kitten, who's going to regret that she ever
started writing to me... No, I'm not chuckling evily, why do you
ask? Kitt's been a real chock full of inspiration and encouragement.
And no, smartass, that's not sarcasm. THIS is sarcasm, oh Brighteyes.


*****

"You fight with passion, my friend. It's too bad you have no skill."

--Joxer, "For Whom the Bell Tolls", _Xena_

*****

The day started as any other. Of course, if I had seen the future,
if I could have seen what Buffy would do, I would have stopped her.
I would have locked her up, knocked her out, whatever. Begged,
conjoled, used the little pouty eye trick, the one I swore I'd
never use again...

But, she's just got a hard head. She _had_ to issue that challenge.
And Diab, she's got a streak so stubborn she could out-buzz a
bee, just to prove that she could.

I should have seen it coming.

They had been getting along together so well--despite obvious
personality and interest clashes--that it should have happened
sooner. The conditions were right, the timing was right...
by all the laws of physics and nature, both human and not,
it should have.

I figure that it must have been the pressure and the introduction to
the new scene that set them off. Buffy should have recognized the
glint in Diab's eye. Diab should have gone easier on her.

I understand that Diab was going through something, but it's very
unprofessional of her to let it seep into her work. A bad day is no
excuse to be as childish as she was. But, maybe she knew what she
was doing. Maybe this result was her goal...

This is stupid. They're letting their egos rule. If they were
guys, people would say they had left their brains in their pants.

I can pinpoint the exact moment when I lost hope...


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~Earlier that day~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

"We will begin the training with lightweight, rag-tipped ends. You
will wear padding--_all_ the padding--that I require you to. From
there, you will be allowed to practice with the oak staff, but only
with padding on the tips. You will carry a staff with you when you
fight vampires with pointy ends. After I deem you 'good' enough, we
will slowly begin to use less and less padding. Understood?"

Buffy's expression was indignant and insulted, cheeks burning
with the humiliation of the babying. "This is rediculous!"
she exclaimed, a frown settling over her features. Her eyes narrowed.
"I'm beyond the staff! I don't need to work on this! Giles lets me
use crossbows!"

Lun@ snorted. "Crossbows are a whole 'nother chicken. I hate them.
I very much dislike automatic weapons."

"They make your life easier!"

"They make it more complicated!"

"How difficult could it be?" Buffy cried, rolling her eyes. "Pointy
end goes in--here." She pointed.

"Oh, no shit?" Lun@ responded. "Well, crossbows are a bitch to use.
They're clunky and big."

"So's a staff," the slayer pointed out.

"But a staff is always ready for use. Even if you break it, you can
still use the pieces. Besides, there's no reloading with a staff.
Just aim and hit. Oh, and the pointy end still goes--here. It's just
a lot bigger. Put on the padding."

"I don't need it."

"Yes, you do. You need to get used to moving with it on."

"I'm not going to spar with it on. I'll be fine."

"Put it on. Pick up the light staff. Meet me out back in fifteen
minutes." That was not the tone of one who was used to being disobeyed.

Buffy's lip tightened as she watched her Gaurdian leave. Pausing, she
made her decision.

She picked up the heavy, oak staff and walked out back, strolling at
a leisurely pace. Hell, she knew what she was ready for, didn't she?

As she rounded the corner, she saw her Guardian practicing with
one of the cheap bamboo staffs. Lun@ was very fluid in her movements,
all of which were very simple. Buffy, spotting Lun@'s sandles
placed neatly on the ground, removed hers as well and set them next
to Lun@'s.

Lun@ continued her Form rythmically. It entranced Buffy, all those
movements put together to make one, like a singer singing a complicated
but smooth scale pattern, but she had no use for them. *In fighting,*
she reasoned, *everything is spontaneous. You can't plan your fights
down to the letter. Certain combos, certainly, but not anything
that you could use this routine on.*

After ten minutes, Lun@ finally ended her imaginary battle with
her imaginary opponents. Opening her eyes, she noticed Buffy
with a hint of surprise and a question in her green eyes.
"You won't be needing that one, you'll be needing the bamboo pole."

"I know how to use a quarterstaff! Besides, who am I going to be
fighting, Friar Tuck???"

"He's a fictional character. And you need to prove you can use one.
You've had no formal training, right? No one has, nowadays. He
lets you get away with sloppy things, doesn't he? Giles, I mean."

"Giles is a _good_ teacher," Buffy protested.

"You mean 'easy'. It's a blowoff class. Don't give me that look,"
Lun@ snapped, "I've seen your sessions. They're lacking in something
called skill."

*****

Angel looked out from the temple, careful to stay indoors. What was
Buffy thinking?!? He had warned her about Lun@'s vindictiveness...
hadn't he?

He continued to watch them bicker, with increasing alarm.

*My god, Buffy, fighting is the thing Diab excells at... don't
challenge her knowledge of weapons!! Would you tell Giles
he's researching something wrong? Shit, she probably would...*
He paced back and forth, like a caged beast, watching out the back door.
*Buff, you're asking for it... Please, one of you, back down! ...Oh,
yeah, right, that'll happen.*

Then he heard the words he really didn't want to hear:

"Fine, you think you're so hot? Then, I challenge you to a sparring
match!"

"Good! If I win, you let me train you."

"And, if I win, we move on to something more useful!"

"This _is_ useful!"

"You'll teach what _I_ want to learn," Buffy amended.

"The student doesn't direct the teacher!"

"Well, maybe the student doesn't want to be taught!"

"Maybe the student _better_ be taught, to save her careless life!"

"You think my life is careless?!?"

"You wanted your duel? Well, you're going to get it. One member
picks location, the other picks weapon. Your choice."

"I'll pick weapon."

"Good. We fight to the unconciousness."

"I don't think--"

"We're both mature fighters. We can take it. You knock me
unconcious, and I'll survive. I knock you, I'll heal you up. You
won't even have a headache."

"But, you--"

"I'm newly alive, remember? I wouldn't do anything to damage my new
status as the living undead. Knocking me out will test my immune
system. Give it a work out."

Suddenly, there was a suspicious tone in Buffy's voice. "How do I
know that you _can_ be knocked out? Maybe you aren't alive."

"You think I'm lying?!?"

"It wouldn't be the first time."

"I swear on the grave of my parents that I'm not lying."

"Great."

Their scene had gathered quite a crowd now, and everyone was murmuring
uneasily.

"We'll meet back here in fifteen minutes," Lun@ said stiffly.

"Fine. I'll bring the weapons," Buffy responded.

Xander cried, "Hey, you two, let's be reasonable!"

Giles restrained him. "It's time for them to work out their
dominance issues," he told him gently.

Buffy and Lun@ shook hands, after which Buffy turned to Giles
and reprimanded him for his comment. "I hate being referred to
as if I'm an animal."

"Oh. Sorry."

*****

Angel paced back and forth liked a caged tiger, growling a little.

"Easy there," Buffy reprimanded him. "You're going to wear out
the floorboards, and then you have to explain to the Priestess
why there's a hole next to her Sacred Fire."

"This is stupid!" he exclaimed, throwing up his hands. "She
shouldn't be accepting a duel from her charge! She's supposed
to protect you, not kill you!" The sacred fire crackled.

"Thanks for the vote of confidence," Buffy responded dryly.

Giles sighed from his seat by the door. "Buffy... do you really
feel it necessary to trade blows with your Guardian Angel?"

"Yes." She turned to her boyfriend. "Angel, I know you don't like
this, but please, can't you support me?"

He was torn. *Who do I root for, my best friend or my Buffy?*
He closed his eyes, stopped his pacing, and made his decision.
"She hits high and leaves her bottom half open to attacks. Watch
out for her fakes and combos. Sometimes you can't tell them apart."

Buffy smiled, realizing what this meant to him. "Thanks." Giving
him a little kiss, she picked up two of the oak staffs and strolled
out back with them.

Giles remained seated by the door. "That was kind of you," he
said quietly, polishing his glasses.

"Not really."

"You lied?"

"No."

There was a pause.

"At least now she'll get her formal training."

Angel grunted.

Giles looked up. "Tea?"

*****

She was totally centered. Absolutely, totally, undeniably centered.
Opening her eyes, she blinked at the blonde in front of her.

Not who she was expecting to see.

She suddenly snapped back to the present. "Buffy."

"Lun@."

"Weapons?"

Buffy threw her a staff. "Location?"

Lun@ caught it and leaned it against her shoulder. It easily
stood taller than her. "Here. Now."

Buffy barely glanced at the crowd around them. "Let's get it on."

Rei came forward seriously. "You two be careful. Fight by the
rules. No ear biting. Once the other person is down for the count,
that's it. It's over. No magic, either, got it?"

Both fighters nodded.

"All right, then... begin!"

Buffy and Lun@ bowed to each other. Angel thought he saw Lun@ wink.

*This is it...* he realized with dawning horror. His uneasiness
slowly gave way to the underlying dread that had been filling
his soul. *Buffy's going to go down.*


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~Later Again~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

"It was too easy," she murmurs, sipping a cup of Giles' tea.

I shoot her a _look_. "There's no need to gloat."

Her eyes widen in surprise. "Was I gloating?"

"A bit."

"I'm sorry."

A miniscule shrug. I can feel it on my shoulders. "Really,
though, was that last blow absolutely necessary?"

"Prob'ly not," she admits.

That's Diabolique for you. She'd probably be casual towards her
captors if she was being tortured. She likes that air of
indifference, the one that says, "do whatever you like, 'cause
I don't give a damn either way."

"How can you be so calm about this?" I demand.

"I have to be," she murmurs into her tea, eyes downcast. "I can't
let myself think about the fact that I just beat my charge to a
bloody pulp. I feel... dirty." Her mask has slipped for just
a moment. "The others will hate me."

And they will. In time, forgiveness will occur, but not now.
And Xander will never completely trust her again. Xander,
the boy who used to worship the ground she walked on, will now
mistrust her until the end of time. How can she stand
knowing she's on everyone's hit list? I asked her once.

"It's a dirty job," she replied with a small, smug smile, "but
somebody's gotta do it. I'm doing them a favor; it could be them
stuck with this job."

I don't buy it; not entirely, anyway. Diab is lonely. I know
she is. I'm her only real friend. She's used to the lonliness
now, though; I'm not sure she knows how to make friends anymore,
or what to do with them if any _did_ appear.

Giles places a hand on her shoulder. "Lun@."

She raises her head to look at his chin. "Giles?"

"More tea?"

There is a hint of shyness in her eyes as she extends her
nearly-empty cup to be refilled. "Thanks, Giles."

She isn't thanking him for the tea, and he knows it.

"You did what you had to. There's no reason to beat yourself
up about it." He pats her head. "She'll be back to herself
tommorrow."

"Yes." She blows at her steaming cup half-heartedly. "I know."

Buffy stirs on the cot, and my attention is drawn away from
Diab. "Buffy." It sounds a little desperate, even to my ears.

"Angel." She rolls over onto her side to face me. "Hey." There
is a pause. "I didn't win, did I?"

I shake my head. "You gave her a hell of a shiner, though."

"Great. So, I guess that means I'll be going back to the basics."

"Even the masters go back to the basics."

"You're sweet. I suppose I should face the music." She sighs
and sits up. Sure enough, all the bruises had been healed by
the magical sign Lun@ had done before. "Where's Lun@?"

I turn around. "She was right..." But she's gone. "She
probably just stepped out for a moment."

"How long've I been out?" She rubs her head a little and streches.

"A little over 3 hours."

"Wow." She bites her lip glumly. "I really thought I'd win. Thanks."

"For what?"

"For not saying 'I told you so'."

I just hug her.

*****

When the sun had finished setting and Lun@ still hadn't returned
to the room, I slipped out to look for her. She was sitting out
on the temple steps, huddled into a ball, alone.

She needs someone with her right now, I thought to myself.
Someone needs to go out there and talk to her.

But I couldn't. And neither could anyone else there.

So, I turned around and went back in to nurse Buffy's wounded ego.