STREETS OF SEATTLE

EDITION 44, 2020

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY

To our readers: The stories appearing in today's STREETS OF SEATTLE have been cleared by the U.S. Army under the provisions of the Martial Law Declaration of 2009 and the National Emergency Declaration of 2010.

Editor-in-Chief:   Jennem1

Senior Editor:   Daf9

Opinionated Formatting Editor:   Shnapzie

Chief Financial Officer/Management Goddess:  Logans_Babe

Editor Emeritus:   Samcrazy

Chief Reporter:   WeirdArchive

Conspiracy Girl: 2ndmouseVV

Contributing reporter:  Syl67

Contributing reporter:  Angushardie

Contributing Reporter:   Sportzgirl16

Contributing Reporter:   Sebastian310

Contributing Reporter:   Melasand

Contributing Reporter:   Willow771

Contributing Reporter:   Legend10013

Contributing Reporter:   X5422

Contributing Reporter:   Olgerth

Contributing Reporter:   Spike1311

Contributing Reporter:   Dammachine

Contributing Reporter:   Barcodebabe

Contributing Reporter:   Dark999moon

Contributing Reporter:   Waite_O

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LOCAL  NEWS

COLD SNAP HITS SEATTLE

By Angushardie

Yes the weather is getting colder. On Tuesday last week the average temperature across 12 weather stations located throughout the Seattle Military district measured a record low of -15 degrees Fahrenheit. And that, as our faithful readers will now from bitter experience, is cold. Temperatures haven't dropped this low since 2005 when an arctic front came in from northern Canada and an area of low pressure developed at the same time. Then nearly 5 feet of snow fell across the area. As of Wednesday last week the count was at four and a half feet as more continued to fall.

What brings this extreme cold front people across Seattle are asking. Is it global cooling or is it simply that weather patterns are changing. Perhaps all of our better weather has moved elsewhere or maybe the despair of the populous is having an effect on the temperature? Well not according to amateur meteorologist Janet Hollis:

"Yes the temperatures have been dropping but this is more a long term cyclic event. As we can see from older records which still survive, and the abandonment of paper records for so called reliable computer based records is a scandal let me tell you, the weather patterns in this area suggest that this area suffers from periodic cold spells. There's nothing much that changes year on year if you look at the cycles"

So how have people been affected by the sudden drop in temperature? Demand for blankets has risen sharply. At Bob's Blanket Boutique sales have been brisk. Bob himself said "Sales have been amazing. We've been selling more of the low end product sure, but the more upmarket supa-dupa-warm range have been selling fast too. Personally I just love these cold spells. People either buy my blankets or they freeze, plus I make a good profit on each sale. I always make sure to raise my prices when I see a forecast like this coming."

As to whether his actions could be considered unethical... "Nah. This is a business. I know we blanket suppliers operate a cartel but even so, people could buy scarves or gloves or maybe coats instead couldn't they?"

But perhaps it was Cindy Bristow of the 25th street shelter that summed up the position for the average person at this time of year. "You have to keep warm. We do what we can with the money that we can get. But even so the weather is tough for anyone out on the street at this time of year. We recommend that people should get inside if at all possible. Take warm drinks and food and try to remain active. If all else fails we are on the corner of 25th street and James, just short of the St James church. Come along and we'll do our best to keep you alive. "

Where ever you are at this time of year take care and think of those less fortunate than yourself. We can only hope that March brings warmer weather.

 --

 Angus.Hardie@malcolmhardie.com

MARKET WATCH

By Logans_Babe

The latest cold trend hit Seattle by surprise, making livestock owners scared. The temperatures have dropped so low that any livestock they have is dieing off at an alarming rate. With more animals not coming into Seattle until next month, livestock owners say they don't know what to do. Meteorologists say they only expect it to get worse.

"All my chickens have died and we aren't expecting more until next month! How am I supposed to run a business? With no more chickens, I could be out of business within a week. I think the mayor needs to allow the livestock companies to sell their animals more than once a month. That way we will have plenty of animals. He shouldn't complain. He would be making a lot of people happy." Says Bob Fita, owner of Bob' Chickens. Many other business and animal owners have made the same complaint, but whether the mayor will has made, or will make the decision is still left unknown.

MELTING CHOCOLATE BAR DESTROYS POLICE PRECINCT DATABASE

By DAF9

Law enforcement in Sector Four suffered a serious setback today when the precinct criminal database was completely destroyed. The names, faces and identifying features of the hundreds of individuals arrested in Sector 4 in the last 24 hours have vanished into cyberspace. Fortunately the database is backed up daily so it could have been worse.

When asked how this happened, a police spokesperson, Lieutenant Matt Sung told SOS that an internal investigation was underway but that it appeared to be the result of a chocolate bar left on the top of the main precinct computer. As the computer heated up during the day the chocolate apparently melted, shorting out the hard drive and leaving only its bright red wrapper behind. Breathalyzer and fingerprint analysis of everyone on duty at the station during the critical time period identified several officers who had been drinking coffee and/or doing drugs but failed to identify a cocoa-consuming culprit, suggesting the chocolate may have been left by a visitor either in error or in a deliberate act of sabotage. The sabotage theory gained credence when it was noted that the bright red wrapper belonged to a100 Grand bar; an extremely hard to come by brand.

Curiously, no one reported seeing any visitors who might have left the chocolate, even though the computer in question was under constant surveillance. A single brown fingerprint was found on the back of a nearby desk chair but it was too smeared to be useful for identification purposes. While police continue to investigate this puzzling who-dun-it, Bill Gates has been brought in for questioning. Sources close to the Mayor say the government is considering charging Mr. Gates on the grounds that the safety features on all PCs should include the ability to withstand melting confectioneries. ITT expert Mr. Steve Jobs says this is just one more example of why all government agencies should switch from PCs to Macs.

SOURCE OF ODOR REVEALS TRAGIC CIRCUMSTANCES

By Shnapzie

Last week the Sector Police got an anonymous call alerting them to a strange odor permeating the streets of sector three. Upon their delayed arrival (apparently Krispy Kreme's was having a promotion sale) they spent four hours scouring the area, trying to find the source of the smell.

They finally traced the smell to a small cardboard and scrap wood shack at the back of a semi-hidden alley. It came from the trash bin fire of the young man, Elwin Davwood, who was living there. Davwood was later found to be mentally  handicapped by the state psychologists who examined him.

Police quickly smothered the fire, which was producing a "nauseating, rotten stench." The charred material left in the trash bin was sealed into evidence bags and transferred to the city's forensics department for analysis.

Davwood, who up until that point had sat unobtrusively in the corner, grabbed a loose board and attacked one of the Sector Police with it. Officer Melvin Broadbent sustained a large contusion before Davwood was wrestled to the ground and handcuffed. He is currently being held in police custody.

On the day following this incident, the results of the analysis came back, which turned out to be human flesh. More specifically, the DNA test revealed it to be the remains of Davwood's brother. As far as the experts can determine, the brother died of hypothermia during the unusual cold snap we recently had. Davwood apparently used his brother's frozen body as fuel in order to keep himself from freezing.

Davwood's arraignment will be next week, charging him with corpse desecration. His court appointed lawyer will be pleading not guilty by way of mental incompetence, sources say.

One way or another, there won't be an end to this for a long while. Already, homeless advocacy groups are mobilizing and the issue is being rammed to the top of our congresspeople's policy agenda.

GANGSTER GERHARDT BRONCK GOES TO JAIL

By Sebastian310

At last, after months of thumbing his noses at authority, the infamous gangster Gerhardt Bronck has been brought to justice. Today, the vile crime was sentenced to an 18 year-spell in Langford prison for shipping young girls out of the country for the Latin American sex slave trade. Citizens gave a collective cheer at the news, and a collective sigh of relief that it was all over.

It all began in April this year when Mr. Bronck was picked up at Warton Airfield, an abandoned airport 10 minutes out of town. The police had gone out to the airport after receiving a tip-off that Gerhardt Bronck was at the airport, along with all the incriminating evidence needed to put him away for a good long time.  The tipper-offer also stated that Mister Bronck and his associates would need urgent medical assistance.

The airport was in a strange state when the cops arrived. Mr. Bronck was found lying in  an unconscious bloody heap on the runway. He had suffered heavy internal bleeding,  broken arms and legs, massive concussion, multiple rib fractures, a punctured lung and spinal damage. He had apparently been thrown out of a moving cargo plane, which now stood still down the runway, its pilot unconscious. In the hold, 19 girls, aged 6 to 15, were found looked up, destined for a life of brothel work from Panama City to Buenos Aires. Two men were also found shot dead on the runway. They were identified by the police as Robert Egton and Marty Oldtimer, both of whom worked for the sector police.

In the hangar, three of Bronck's heavies were found, all unconscious. Also found was Police Detective Matthew Sung, also out cold. The gangsters had apparently been torturing him with a makeshift electric chair.

Bronck was rushed off to hospital, where he was immediately put into intensive care. Even so, doctors held minimal hope for his survival, but after three months of touch and go, doctors pronounced him fit to stand trial. At last, just when it seemed Bronck was going to answer for his crimes, a band of thugs forced their way into the hospital, shooting the cops guarding him and taking him out to an unmarked van. The gangsters then fled the city before the police could pin them down.

Mr. Bronck then fled to Canada, and lived with his parents in their lavish Vancouver mansion. American authorities tried repeatedly to extradite Mr. Bronck, but every time his lawyers managed to halt the process, claiming Mr. Bronck's medical condition had seriously worsened and he was within an inch of his life, which made him unfit to stand trial.

Angry at being humiliated repeatedly by Mr. Bronck, President Barrows authorized CIA agents to keep a round-the clock watch on Bronck, observing his activities and judging whether or not he was fit to stand trial. The agents covertly observed, with the use of lots of spy gizmos, Bronck doing aerobics, walking with his parents along the waterfront, and doing laps of a 25-meter pool. This evidence was presented to the Canadian government, and Mr. Bronck was duly extradited back to Seattle.

At court, the true vileness of Mr. Bronck's deeds came out. Detective Sung and some of the older girls all testified against Bronck, but the most damning testimony came from one of Bronck's own henchmen, Darcy Dnaris. Dnaris related how the two sector cops had kidnapped girls out about town and taken them to the airport, where they were held until they were ready to be shipped via cargo plane down to a base in Latin America. Dnaris also said about how Bronck had stolen and smuggled medical supplies from Metro Medical, and accused the Seattle PD of living in Bronck's pocket. The defense couldn't stand up against such an overwhelming onslaught of evidence, and Mr. Bronck was sent down for an 18-year spell.

Citizens everywhere cheered at another victory of justice over corruption. Like many other recent convictions of white-collar criminals, this one seems to have been brought about by the mysterious cyberhacker Eyes Only. Some people have said that Eyes Only is really paid by crime lords to eliminate competition, but we at the streets all say this is a load of twaddle. As long as people like Eyes Only fight against the power, we say hope is NOT lost.

TRAILERJACKING GANG CAUGHT SELLING BLACK MARKET MEAT OFF HIGHWAY

By Weirdarchive

A major trailerjacking ring was busted up Friday by the Sector Police on a tip of a massive Black Market beef sale off of Highway 90. Sector Police Troopers from the King and Pierce County Quadrants made their assault at a gathering of big rig trucks and assorted vehicles some 10 miles Northwest of North Bend. While the arrests were largely uneventful, there were some high speed chases from the site that had involved gunfire from both sides. So far, casualties have been mostly light with five trailerjackers killed and two Sector Troopers injured in a freak misfire. About fifty individuals have been arrested on various charges from grand theft to violations of the health codes to attempting to commit Maxi-Tax fraud.

A total of 300 tons of beef, 250 tons of chicken, 100 tons of lamb and pork, 20 tons of various vegetables, and 20 cases of assorted Ready To Eat Meals were confiscated by Sector Police and Federal Authorities and were sent off to undisclosed holding facilities nearby. While the details on how so much produce was stolen by so few are sketchy, one reliable source has suggested the trailerjacker gang simply stole rigs with the latest electronic transport passes, drove them to various market distribution centers, and just loaded up before anyone noticed. An investigation on how to tighten security at these centers is underway.

Also seized were five illegally customized Landmaster Armored Civilian Transports, armed with ground to air missiles, radar jamming equipment, and rear nerve gas sprayers. These vehicles were sent to the nearest Federal Impound Yard to determine who installed the weapons and to dismantle them for spare parts. There was not a final tally of stolen rigs or civilian transports made available by presstime, though estimates are somewhere between 25 to 40. Those vehicles not reclaimed by their proper owners will be either auctioned off by the National Auction Authority or converted into spare parts for Sector Police use. All inquiries should be made at your nearest Sector Police Station or Military Authority.

SEATTLE'S OWN SERIAL KILLER: MR. 9

SYL67

Seattle: In a new, disturbing trend, teen-agers are joining a fan club. This controversial fan club is devoted to documenting and researching 'Mr. 9' 's activities and victims. 'Mr. 9' is the well-known Seattle serial killer who is noted for leaving his victims dead from a single 9 mm gunshot wound. Witnesses usually describe him as "clean-cut", "fifty-something", and dressed in black.

"We want to understand who he is and what he does," said one young female fan who asked not to be identified. "He is very selective about his victims, and the more we learn, the more intriguing the puzzle becomes. I, for one, would really like to meet him and get his autograph." I asked if she joined the club for the intellectual challenge. "No," she told me. "I just think that serial killers are really sexy." Then this reporter asked her if she was under the care of a psychiatrist, and she walked away in a huff.

An inconspicuous young man named Brian showed me the club's collection of 'Mr. 9' sighting reports. A large map on the wall is liberally dotted with red and blue push pins, with penciled numbers cross-referenced to case files. "For example, here's a reported sighting outside Vogelsang's Laundromat. It was late at night, the lighting was bad, and the place was closed anyway. We think that it's a case of mistaken identity." He pulled out some more dusty file folders. "Here's another interesting one: someone thinks they saw him at an AA meeting. We're pretty sure that's fake too." Right about this point, the dust reached my nose, and my allergies started acting up.

After recovering from a sneezing fit, this reporter located the young man who runs the Mr. 9 fan club. Monty is a cheerful, enthusiastic, and good-looking.

"I thought that Seattle's teen-agers could use a little more focus in their lives," he told me. "For only $25, they get a membership card, a subscription to our newsletter, and the club pin." The club meets twice a month.

The pin is made from used 9 mm brass, with a jewelry type pin-back soldered to it. This reporter was told that 'Joshua' creates the pins, but Monty declined to let me interview him.

I asked to see a copy of the news letter, and Monty declined, explaining that there were no new victims, and therefore no news for the news letter. "Well, it's a bit embarrassing, but we've lost track of Mr. 9. No new victims, and no sightings for almost two months now."

I bid farewell to the friendly, but terribly geeky members of the fan club, and went in search of contrary opinions on 'Mr. 9.'

Mrs. Fozwart, a high school social studies teacher has a less flattering view of the 'Mr. 9' fan club. "This is totally wrong," she told me. "Not only does it glorify violence, the sharp part of the club pin is in clear violation of our school weapons policy." She went on to say "I wish someone would start an 'Eyes Only fan club: I'll bet he's really cute in person."

To wrap up this piece, I went in search of the 'man in the street' opinion. I found an fair-haired elderly homeless man in the alley behind a well known mega-convenience store. (I chose this particular bum because he was reading the last issue of Streets of Seattle, and his wire-framed glasses made him look intellectual). When he finished laughing, he told me "Mr. 9 has far more intelligent and better trained people looking for him. Besides, those kids would be really sorry if they actually met Mr. 9. He's not the kind of person who likes nosy, undisciplined kids trying to pry into his business."

PHONE SEX LINES AND STRIP BARS GEAR UP FOR FEB. 14

By Dammachine

Yes, it's that time of year again!

So you think you're going to be alone this Valentines Day? AGAIN!! Well fellow Seattleites, you don't have to be. I'm here to tell you there is a choice. Offered at more than reasonable rates, our red light district in sector 14 has been gearing up for the increased traffic expected as the "day of love" approaches. "Our training sessions for the extra staff have been highly successful" says Rose Petal, Owner of On Your Dime Seattle's largest and finest phone sex establishment since 2010. "Although we expect many first time callers, 50% of our calls we receive  are repeat customers. That should tell you something" boasts Rose. If the ole land line tango doesn't do it for you then let it be known that the staff at Midtown Dementia is hosting an open house for two hours before the regular opening hours of 4pm. Proof of vaccination and recent, original health report documents are mandatory for this one day, special event. The owners Midtown Dementia inform me this is simply to make sure you are healthy enough to survive the show. So for all you luu sah hars who think you will be finding love, somewhere downtown on Valentines Day, Midtown Dementia is as good a place as any to start looking. There will be free shuttle bus service from each sector beginning shortly after dark. For more info surf onto the Seattle red light district web site at meloveyoulongtime.com

A VALENTINE TO SEATTLE: WHY SEATTLE IS THE COUNTRY'S FINEST CITY

By DAF9

1. Much of the corruption in our city has been eliminated or at least driven underground by our city's favorite son, cyberhacker "Eyes Only".

2. The rash of unexplained deaths in Chinatown that were striking fear into everyone's heart earlier this year seem to have fallen off of late.

3. Our cardboard condos and burning trash barrels are second to none. And our dumpsters…better diving than the coral reefs!

4. Fuel prices may be out of sight and coffee prohibitively expensive but we have the best darn bicycle messenger service (Jam Pony) in the entire North West!

5. Where else in the country can you walk or ride around on a bicycle while the city serenades you with hip-hop music?

6. The doctors at Metro Medical are imperturbable. Dr. Sam for example has been  known to remain unmoved in the face of deadly viruses, cyborgs and other improbabilities.

7. Streets of Seattle - Insulation or reading material; either way it's the best. Plus, OUR CEO can not only kick YOUR CEO's @ss but any other body part you care to mention.

8. Crash - it's not just the finest bar in OUR city it's the best ANYWHERE!

 9. No other place in the country has the great movies that we do. Okay so they're mostly shown across the border in Vancouver. We still get to read about them.

10. They're still everywhere else but here in Seattle hoverdrones have disappeared - just like a plague of Japanese beetles when the summer ends. Except of course for the toy ones the sector police have been giving out.

11. Although she's since departed for parts unknown, we recently had, however briefly, our very own resident mermaid/ lap dancer down by the docks.

12. More mutants per capita than anywhere outside of Gillette Wyoming.

13. Where else can you still find peppermint oil AND virgin olive oil?

14. In recent months we have become a Mecca for fine art collectors. Not only have a number of artworks of exceptional quality that had previously been held in one or more private collections come on the market but an exciting new painter known only as Joshua has also appeared on the art scene.

15. Most cities can only come up with 10 reasons why they're great. We have 14!

Yes, just like the mythical Lake Wobegon made famous by pre-Pulse writer Garrison Keillor, here in Seattle "all the women are strong, all the men are good looking and all of the children [no matter how poorly educated] are above average"

FIRE DEPARTMENT WARNING: ROMANTIC FLAMING DESSERTS ARE A TRAGEDY IN THE MAKING

By Willow771

Tragedy struck on Elm Street yesterday when Rodger, 32, lit his cardboard box on fire trying to impress his date with a romantic flambé dessert. Sally, 24, tells us that after pouring alcoholic beverage all over her pudding he then lit a match and the box went poof. She recalls realizing that she was feeling rain on her face and when she looked around the cardboard box was lying in ashes in the road.

The time was 9:45pm and water hoverdrones were alerted to his position to help put out the flames. Luckily the rain had put it out already. Neighbors came to Roger's assistance immediately and now he is living in the lap of luxury. his new residence can be found under a garbage bin on Shugah Avenue. Feel free to visit Roger and express your condolences for the loss of his prized cardboard box. But don't think he's cold, the methane gas coming from the Garbage can will keep him nice and toasty all year round.

SIMPLY SWEETNESS

By Logans_Babe

Simply Sweetness, the new chocolate factory now inhabiting 367 Smith Drive, opened its doors today. Customers and visitors were greeted with sample chocolates of all Simply Sweetness' experimental chocolates.

I, of course, was there on the spot to see just what kind of experimental chocolates these were.

Greeted by the sales woman, I told her I was an SOS reporter researching for an interesting story I was doing - not an entire lie... She promptly rushed me to the samples.

The table held 4 different categories of chocolates: pregnant women, children, men, and other. I tried them all and found them to be quite odd, if not all out weird.

The first category I went to was Other. It had a nice selection of three different chocolates. The first one I tried had Yak Slime in the middle. I quickly put this one down and turned to the next. This one had milk in the middle. Not a bad idea, but the milk had spoiled. Nice and chunky too. If kept cold it could have been good. The saleswoman urged me to try all the rest. I did so with some regret. The next one I tried had paper inside. Apparently someone shredded the top secret chocolate making recipes into tiny little bits and mixed them into the chocolate so they could never be found again. When the owner found out that there was paper mixed in with hundreds of pounds of chocolate he didn't want to waste it. He added new twists to it, hence the experimental chocolates. The sales woman said that the owner ate all the mixtures.

I moved to the next category in hopes it was better than the last. This category was the Pregnant Woman category. I asked the saleslady what they meant by that and she replied: "Because pregnant woman are oddballs. They like all sorts of different mixtures of things." Needless to say I was a little less than thrilled to try the new  chocolates. After taking a bite of the first few (and spitting them back out again) I asked the saleslady what happened to be in them. "Condiments, and foods such as pickles, popcorn, and cheese."

Thoroughly disgusted by the tastes the samples had left in my mouth, I moved to the Children's category. I was pleasantly surprised to say the least. The children's section was packed with all sorts of goodies. There was chocolate covered: gum, different candies, assorted mints, and best of all was the chocolate covered herbal gummies.

The sales lady had to tear me away to visit the last and final category: Men. It wasn't hard to guess what would be in the last section. Alcohol was the main ingredient in the men's category. And was it ever a big hit! There had to have been at least a dozen women surrounding that end of the table and half again as many men. I didn't stick around long enough to try the other samples in the men's category.

The selections the owner picked out and put in the middle of his chocolates were indeed odd, but however odd they were, they were drawing large crowds to the newly opened store. Just goes to show you, only the truly odd live in Seattle.

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NATIONAL NEWS

"CHRIST'S LAND IS NO MORE!", DECLARES SPECIAL OPS COMMANDER

By Weirdarchive

Just months after the separatist movement known as the Holy Aryan Empire of North America was defeated at their Idaho compound, another extremist group vying to create their own nation from the chaos of the Pulse was dealt a fatal blow by Special Forces Operations in their fortress in the ruined city of Macon, Georgia. The group known as the Divine Army of God In Christ had waged a lengthy guerilla battle against Federal forces for almost ten years in a vain attempt to establish their theocratic 'republic' Christ's Land, which would've encompassed most of the United States east of the Appalachian Mountains from the boundary of the Cuban occupied Florida north of Orlando to the Virginia/DC border and as far west as Mobile, Alabama. The actual territory held by the Christian extremist sect was mostly within Southern Central region consisting of Georgia, the Carolinas, a strip of southern Virginia which included the port city of Newport News and Williamsburg, and a single 'repentance colony' outpost in the small town of Pocahontas, Arkansas. Federal forces recaptured most of these land possessions within three years of the declaration of Christ's Land, leaving only the backwoods of Georgia and the Carolina region to the rebels and their sympathizers. In time, even this territory was reclaimed both by Federal forces and outraged civilians kept prisoner under the religious dictatorship of Simon Wilde, a former high ranking member of the late Pat Robertson's Christian Broadcasting Network and former director of the conservative watchdog Conscience of the Nation. His beliefs, as well as those of his cohorts, were of an apocalyptic nature and dealt with the extremist view of the Bible being the only permitted law to exist and for all dissents to be dealt with according to Biblical dogma which included stoning, exile, burning at the stake, and beheading. Once the chaos of the Dark Months had weakened the civil authority, he and his group attempted a violent takeover in 2011 and proclaimed all the areas under their control "Christ's Land" and that the new nation would be the first truly Christian country. Almost immediately after his announcement, people begin to rebel against him and aided Federal troops in overthrowing him. Only the crisis with the Republic of Alaska and the Divine Army's tactics of hit and run prevented a swift victory at the time.

The fall of Christ's Land was highly anticipated for months. Just last week, Mr. Wilde was taken prisoner by liberation forces in Augusta and executed by a civilian firing squad after a speedy trial for 'crimes against humanity and the United States of America'. His successor William Stonewall Kent was having problems establishing his rule due to a power struggle with his military commander 'General' Arnold Benedict III who had tried to lead a ground assault against him at an undisclosed location. Kent had Benedict put to death and those Divine Army of God troops loyal to the general quickly defected to Federal forces. He then moved his remaining troops into Macon for a final stand. Soon after, Special Forces from the newly liberated Georgian capital Atlanta sent ten platoons of the 5th Air Cavalry and ten armed divisions of the Georgian National Guard. Elements of the 191th Corp from Alabama and the 90th Tank Group stationed in Savannah to secure US Highway 16 and Georgia's seaports from any fleeing Divine Army deserters made a forced march to cut all southern roadway and river escape routes. Bombardment of Macon began at dawn with a squadron of Harrier Jump Jets firing on all anti-aircraft placements and destroying key links to US Highway 75 and State Highways 49 and 129. The remaining outdated Cobra Attack Helicopters owned by the Divine Army were destroyed on the improvised field and the 90th Tank Group then secured key positions in the suburbs, drawing light fire from Divine Army snipers. Within five hours, the city of Macon was overrun and remaining Divine Army troops surrendered.

Special Operations Commander Harold "Dirty Harry" Fletcher then led a select group of National Guard troops from Georgia, the Carolinas, and Virginia on a raid of Kent's compound. There, they found him, his remaining cabinet officers, and their families dead from ritual suicide poisoning. Kent left a videotape statement, denouncing 'the heathen Muslims, Jews, homosexuals, women liberators, and atheist Federal overlords' for causing Christ's Land fall and declared General Benedict III to be 'a pawn of the Beast, whose soul will be sodomized by the Archangel Gabriel.'. Most of the guards protecting Kent had already fled and the remaining staffers had graciously accepted Commander Fletcher's offer of amnesty in exchange for surrendering Kent dead or alive. After examining the compound, Commander Fletcher order the removal of the corpses and had the area secured as a temporary headquarters until more suitable accommodation were found. Using a satellite feed, he proclaimed on live television that "The tyrants who took Our Savior's Name in vain for the desire of power are now dead. God is now judging them and He will punish them for their transgression against the innocent and the weak. This land is finally restored to the people of this great land.". He then ordered a Seven O'clock curfew on most of Macon to be enforced by occupation forces and all surviving members of the Christ's Land ruling body be put under house arrests for trial later on. It's estimated that only 100 high ranking officials of the breakaway nation are still alive, the rest being killed by Federal forces, civilian freedom fighters, or by their own hand. The remaining 'repentance camps', which some considered worse than the Nazi and Khmer Rouge concentration camps, were liberated. Overjoyed prisoners, near starving and weak from disease, embraced the National Guard units with tears and kisses before being quarantined by medical personnel. Though the exact figures are not known for the moment, it's believed that some 500,000 to 750,000 civilians were put to death for 'heresy and crimes against Christ' which included the teaching of evolution and secular beliefs, believing in Judaism and Islam, and performing abortions. Commander Fletcher has asked for some forensics teams from the FBI and Army Intelligence to help locate and identify any mass graves within the former Christ's Land territory. All relatives who believed their loved ones have been victims should contact their respective Military Commission for details.

It is not known if any diehards of the Divine Army will continue their campaign to 'liberate' their country through terrorism. For the moment, the affected regions are under a Level Four Alert Status and more troops are being airlifted to better secure Federal control. Eager civilians, grateful for being freed from nearly ten years of fundamentalist brutality, have joined the occupation forces as a sort of citizen's militia to help maintain order and take up the slack while Federal Marshals continue searching for any fugitive sympathizers of Kent's regime.

PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION TIME COMING UP FAST

By Shnapzie

Take a deep breath; what's that you smell? No, not burning garbage—election time! Our new year 2020, as most of you probably don't know, heralds the presidential election. This year's primary campaigns will begin earlier than ever, keeping with the current trend. Candidates will begin their rounds of the nation this coming month.

First and foremost, candidates are expected to address is the economic depression. Other concerns are, at the present, the abomination known as the Republic of Alaska, the question of whether martial law is still necessary, corruption and scandals in the bureaucracy, and various medical issues.

Contact your local party leaders to determine when and where your caucuses are being held, or contact us at the Streets of Seattle.

GOVERNOR OF ALASKA ABOUT TO BE EMBARRASSED BY SCANDAL OF GASTRONOMICAL PROPORTIONS

By DAF9

As reported in the latest edition of SOS, the Governor of Alaska's annual Christmas bash featured among other things, a cornucopia of edible delights provided by the Winter Sun Hydroponics Commune. Among the items served, this sharp-eyed reporter couldn't help but notice the Kobe beef. Now Kobe beef has long been considered some of the finest beef in the world; obtained as it is from specially bred cattle that are massaged with saki and fed copious quantities of beer prior to being slaughtered. But what is Kobe beef doing on a hydroponics farm? And how did the Winter Sun Hydroponics Commune arise from seemingly nowhere to become such a large Agri-business in such a short time? An extensive in-depth investigation finally revealed the sordid truth.

As most of our readers are probably aware, hydroponics is a method of growing vegetables without soil. Bathing the plant roots in an organically enriched broth that in pre-Pulse days was created in the chemistry lab provides nutrients. After the Pulse that became too expensive (all the agricultural chemists having taking up more lucrative careers in recreational pharmacology) and the American hydroponics industry almost died out until one enterprising young farmer discovered that cattle excrement contains many of the same ingredients found in the best commercial organic broths. Further experimentation revealed that the cattle used to make Kobe beef have it all. Is it the beer? Or the sake? Or maybe even the massages? Nobody knows, but being practical entrepreneurs the founders of the Winter Sun Commune purchased most of the remaining Kobe beef cattle to fuel their hydroponics operations. Of course everyone knew they had the cows and they were hardly going to admit to growing their grossly overpriced vegetables in cow poo so what could they do? In an advertising move so brilliantly simple that no one recognized its devious cleverness, the spokespeople for Winter Sun "claimed" to be have added genuine Kobe beef to their product list as a means of expanding their marketing appeal to those old fashioned consumers (like this reporter) who haven't yet bought into the whole vegetarian thing. But they couldn't REALLY use the cows to produce beef because that would leave them without a nutrient source for their vegetable-growing operation.

Fortunately, using a "clone-a-carrot" kit obtained by his kid from a local county fair, a genetically engineered virus that was capable of infecting both cattle and plants, and an unusually large specimen of the species Brassica napus (rutabaga), an anonymous member of the Winter Sun Hydroponics Commune came up with a perfect Kobe beef substitute. Judicious application of a little marinade prior to cooking and it looks and smells just like the real thing…especially to people who have never eaten the real thing before.

If the advertising ploy was so clever how did the story finally get out? Well, after years of festering resentment at the loss of his "clone-a-carrot" kit, the kid finally wrote a letter of complaint to President Barrows who wasted no time in passing it on to this reporter's third cousin in lieu of a Christmas bonus. My greedy cuz probably would have charged me for the letter but luckily for me the kid left the back of the page blank and my cuz, the cheap so-and-so, accidentally used it to create the handmade Valentine's Day card he sends every year. Now the only question is… Will Governor Hodges' approval rating suffer now that Alaskan citizens know their taxes are being used to pay $2000 a pound for a turnip?

reprinted from The Alleys of Anchorage.

Ed. Note : Okay so it's not really a sordid story. Would you have read beyond the first paragraph if we had described it otherwise?

INDIA PASSES ON RECOGNIZATION OF ALASKA BY THINNEST MARGIN, HODGES VOWS TO PRESS ON

By Weirdarchive

The rogue state known as the Republic of Alaska suffered a setback in its ongoing quest for greater worldwide diplomatic and economic acceptance when the Indian Parliament voted not to recognize the Republic for the time being on Tuesday. According to some experts, the voting was the closest in its entire democratic history. Official tallies will not be known until next week and rumors are rampant on a possible recount and an appeal to the country's judicial branch. Massive demonstrations both for and against recognization of the Republic have been waging in New Delhi, Bombay, Bangalore, Madras, and even the Kashmir Co-Operation Sphere since Wednesday with no end in sight and with military police on full alert.

According to unofficial reports, the ruling Congress Party had been pressing to give official recognization to the Republic since 2016 when India had signed a limited import agreement of hydroponic vegetables for the starving Afghan and Pakistani refugee camps established after the fallout of Israel's Operation Jericho's Wraith within the Kashmir region. Past attempts had failed in committee, but with its coalition agreement with moderate Muslim parties at the recent elections last year, the Congress Party had thought it has enough votes to successfully pass a resolution giving the Republic full diplomatic recognization. However, the opposition Bharatiya Janata party (the major Hindu political force since the 1990s) had rallied with minor nationalist and upper caste parties to block all voting on the resolution and launched a three week debate over whether India should even consider the subject since it's an ally of the United States. While all media coverage was banned from the Parliament for the duration of the debate, some newsmen reported of shouting and fist fights between the two factions and in one case, the Prime Minister's security forces were called in to restore order.

After adjourning Parliament for a day to give the exhausted members time to rest, the Prime Minister called for a vote on the matter. Despite the Congress Party's in-house dealing with some of the undecided parties, it could not gain the two-third majority needed to give the Republic full recognization. Immediately after the vote, some in the Congress Party called for a general strike while those in the Bharatiya Janata party suggested maintaining calm. Riots have erupted in some of the major cities, with massive looting and attacks on Hindu and Muslim religious sites. So far, all casualty lists have been kept from public view, though the unofficial total is estimated at 10,000 or more. The Indian Parliament is at special session, considering to either impose martial law on the troubled areas or to hold new elections within three months. There has been no decision as of press time.

President 'Governor' William Hodges expressed his regret over the recent events. "While we are appealing to all nations including the US to recognize the sovereignty of our Republic," he said at a press conference. "we don't wish to gain it by blood and discord. We had already killed too many in the name of democracy and freedom. I do not wish the great nation of India, founded by the great and revered Mohandas Gandhi, to fall into civil war because of us. Better we wait for them to give us recognization later than to see them go up in flames." Hodges has suggested sending in his own team of diplomats under the United Nations banner to help defuse the tension to all factions. So far, only four minor parties have accepted.

The UN General Assembly, at their temporary headquarters in Toronto, are presently considering sending in peacekeeping troops to maintain order and to keep the Kashmir Co-Operation Sphere from further deteriorating into violence. There has been no official word from President Barrows, save for a telegram to the Indian Prime Minister giving his condolences for the many dead. Owing to the present situation with the Republic of Alaska and other internal disputes, the Emergency Congress has not suggested sending in troops to the area to protect American interests.

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BIG JERRY'S WINDMILLS 3 DAY CLEARANCE SALE!

Big Jerry is blowing away the competition by clearing out the old stock to bring in the new personal windmills from California, the Free Mexican States, Europe, and Japan at cutthroat prices! Choose from a selection of styles from the standard Pinwheel to the Tri-Wheel to the popular Spiral in all the favorite colors and designs. Have the base poles custom-made by our professional craftsmen or select a pre-made 5, 10, 20, or 30 foot stand for your personal needs. Windmills are a safe, clean, and cheap alternative energy source when you're tired of dealing with those pesky brown and blackouts and the high bills charged by those corporate vampires. We provide not only the best and fashionable windmills around, but also all your accessory needs from anchor spikes and lines to replacement blades to the latest in windmill security systems to protect your investment. We also have the finest selection of all weather storage batteries and conversion generators for all your energy requirements. Easy down payments are available and we do limited bartering for pre-approved clients, subject to Sector Police background and credit checks*.

Why light a candle to curse the darkness when you can have your own private windmill to light up your home, apartment collective, or commune? Go to our stores at Sector 3 in the old K-Mart building, Sector 7 across from Checkpoint 69, and our newest branch at Sector 9 between Ming's Take-Out and US Re-Cy where you can get a 10% discount on your next windmill by dropping off your old blades at the facility. We can also do property assessments and pricing at your home for a small fee which is deducted from your total purchase should you buy from us.* Check us out and feel the breeze.

*Allow two months for processing. Limited delivery and assessment area within Seattle city limits and patrols. Call 1-866-BREEZE1 for details. Salesmen do not carry any cash or valuables on assessments. Armed escorts on each delivery.)

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INTERNATIONAL NEWS

CANADA SUFFERS AN UNEXPECTED POPULATION EXPLOSION

By DAF9

Canada suffers an unexpected population explosion. After centuries of being one of the least densely populated countries in the world the latest census has left government officials baffled. Although the birth rate remains steady at about 0.9 children per adult and official immigration and emigration figures are pretty equally balanced; somehow the population of Canada has increased over 10 times since the Pulse. British Columbia is now more densely populated than Hong Kong!

We here in Seattle have been aware for some time that being illegally smuggled into Canada was every red-blooded American girl's and boy's dream…but who knew so many of them were realizing it.

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Playing now: In the former ballpark in Sector 1.

A community production of "Mary Poppins"

Starring

Biff the genetically enhanced houseboy as Bert

And

Bertha the 300-pound lunchlady as Mary Poppins

Featuring

Bennett Cale and Asha

As Mr. & Mrs. Banks

Produced by

Bitsy Cale

Sponsored by

Biff and Bertha's Luncheonette

(which also runs the concession stand)

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HEALTH

THE SECRET BEHIND TOFU-EE

By DAF9

It's that time of year folks when our thoughts turn from calories and clogged arteries to candies and chocolates. Imagine my horror therefore passing the local confectionery shop to discover "Tofu-ee (toffee-flavored tofu) hearts"!

There was a time, a long, long time ago, when Americans weren't so worried about cholesterol and HDL and LDL and "health food". A time when Americans looked at their teeth and said: "These are the teeth of omnivores, which means we evolved to eat EVERYTHING". Yes my children, a time BEFORE tofu. Also known as bean curd - that strange, repulsively textured, mostly tasteless food-like substance that marketing gurus have spent dozens of decades and dollars convincing us is good for us. To those of you who weren't aware of the fact, tofu stands for Totally Offensive Foodstuff Unfit (for Human Consumption). As they say, "Tofu won't make you live longer, it will just seem that way".

This little health message brought to you by DAF9 who has known since childhood that chocolate and cookies are the only food groups worth worrying about.

EBOLA VIRUS OUTBREAK IN AFRICA

By Shnapzie

The Centers for Disease Control (CDC) and the World Health Organization (WHO) have reported a deadly outbreak of Ebola virus in Sudan, Africa. This is the first case of the deadly disease since the small flare up in the early months of 2002.

Ebola basically turns the victim's insides into a liquid; thus painfully, albeit quickly, killing him. The mortality rate is 90%, making it the deadliest virus known to man. (Of course, that's not counting the load of nasties cooked up by the Pentagon that the general public is supposed to have no knowledge of.) At the time of this article's publishing, over 300 individuals were infected with 248 dead.

CDC spokesman Oliver Dietrich yesterday scheduled a televised press conference to  address concerns. "Unfortunately, a breakdown in communication prevented our officials from receiving word of the crisis earlier. If we were able to reach Sudan at the beginning of the outbreak, or even a week earlier than we did, we are confident that the number of deaths would have been substantially lower. As it is, the odds are in our favor that we will have the virus contained shortly. Fortunately, though the virus is of the Zaire variety [the deadlier of the known strains] it isn't airborne. If this baby mutates so that you're infected if a victim sneezes on you, heaven help us all."

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EDITORIAL

IT'S NOT EDITORIAL OVERSIGHT

By DAF9

One of our sharp-eyed readers, a Mr. NITPICKER, has taken us to task for the fact that in the past several months we have printed contradictory information about the fates of pre-Pulse actors Julia Roberts and Robert Downey Jr. We know. The problem is we don't know which information is correct. The latest rumor out of Hollywood is that in an effort to keep down production costs at the turn of the millennium many of the hottest actors at the time were cloned; some of them were cloned multiple times. Clearly there is more than one Julia Roberts and Robert Downey Jr. running around Seattle these days but which one is the original and which are the clones? Or are they all clones? We just don't know and so until we figure it out we will continue to bring you contradictory reports on the activities of these and other celebrities.

But you made this reporter's day Mr. NITPICKER. I thought the only people who read this paper were its editors!

LETTERS TO THE EDITOR

Dear Editor:

I (censored) worked with the Sector Police for (censored) years. Now I am with the US (censored) to help them over here near (censored). In my unit, about (censored) of us (censored) people have a subscription to your fine paper, however almost all of us share our papers. Everyone but (censored) that is, you hear that (censored)? We all enjoy getting news from home through your fine (censored) paper. However, I have noticed that you are very down on the Sector Police. Remember that they are just doing their jobs, and that sometimes their job is to beat the living (censored) out of you (censored) little (censored).

Thank you so much for your piece of (censored) paper. Keep them coming, they make great toilet paper and hats to get out of all this (censored) rain.

Sincerely,

(censored)

THIS LETTER CENSORED FOR YOUR OWN PROTECTION BY (censored)

Dear Editor;

I read all those letters about that "mermaid," and I just think it's so funny how you were all taken in. I guess people see what they want to see. I was there, and it was so fake it wasn't even funny. I mean, the chick had legs, and everyone knows real mermaids have tails. You'd think none of you had ever even seen a real mermaid, the way you were going on. I have friends who are mermaids and if they could read they'd be really insulted. Next time get reporters who do some research.

Steve Schmidt

Dear Editor,

My family has been pulling stuff off ocean floors for four generations now and I know what I saw. It was a SPANDEX factory! How dare your reporter suggest that I had been drinking? If you don't print a retraction you will be hearing from the family lawyers!

Sincerely,

Jacques Cousteau IV

Dear Editor,

We support our son and dad.

Jacques Cousteau III

Jacques Cousteau V (Jackie)

Dear Editor,

For years now I've been visiting my mother once a week at the Happy Acres Home for the Chronologically Challenged. She came to expect the case of 100 Grand bars and the 2 liter bottle of Coke Classic that I used to provide at every visit. But about two months ago it suddenly became impossible to come by 100 Grand bars. Everywhere I went I was told they were sold out! Even the Black Market cupboards were bare. Mom wouldn't speak to me. And now, for no apparent reason 100 Grands are available again. WHAT is going on??

Chocoholic's daughter

Editor's Note: Economic issues of supply and demand, production ratios, etc. et al, are complex and depend on infinite variables. Answering your question would require space equivalent to that textbook we didn't read back in college. We suggest that you spend more time working on your issues with your mother and less time blaming them on a chocolate bar.

Dear Editor,

This is in response to Logans_babe's article about the company Christmas banquet. I went to the party and I was shocked and amazed!! what kinds of things do you people do!!?? Really! I want to know so we can liven up our party next year!

Spy for the Seattle Sun

Dear Editor,

I read your latest edition. It was very good. Especially the conspiracy girls article. I took her advice Christmas eve and walloped a little man in my closet, thinking he was an elf. Come to find out that it was my boyfriend's best friend Roy! Now I am facing charges! My advice to the readers for the next Christmas edition is to make sure the little man is an elf!

Sincerely.

Janey Patterson

Dear editor,

It just occurred to me that you don't have a joke list! Us readers would really like a joke list! If someone would like to write some jokes that would be great!

Thanks,

Joke Lover

Here you go: Waite enters a bar one day and bumps into a couple of friends. "Hey guys!!" he began, " Got a riddle for you. How many X-5s does it take to change a light bulb?"  Mia looks at Cindy as Cindy looks back. " Does he know I'm an X-5?" Mia worries to herself.  Cindy looks at Waite and asked, "How many transgenics does it take to change a light bulb?" "None!!" Waite blurted it out," Why would they?!! They can see in the dark!!" he laughed and walked away. Mia and Cindy give a slight smile and when he's out of sight, they bust out laughing.

Dear Editor,

I just wanted to let you know how much the readers appreciate this paper!! Thank you so much to the reporters and a GIGANTIC thanks to the head honchos!! The paper is absolutely stunning!

Thanks,

The silent readers (until now)

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FEATURES

BE MY VALENTINE?

By: BarcodeBabe

Those of us who can remember the days before the Pulse remember those little candy hearts that had sayings on them like 'Be Mine' and 'Luv Ya' and 'My Guy'. You know, the little heart-shaped sugary things that tasted like chalk two days after Valentines and never seemed to give you a clear answer to whether or not Jason Peterson from fifth grade was really in love with you? Any way, these candy hearts are in for a big change.

You may have noticed that lately they have added to the traditional sayings with lines that embrace society's multi-national/ethnic/lifestyle/technological culture, for example 'I'm Bi' and 'E-Mail Me'. You also may have noticed that besides the pastel colors, they now come in a wide assortment of colors including Punk, Goth, and Non-discriminatorily. Well, according to Cahndi Caayne, spokeswoman for the nation's largest manufacturer of candy hearts, this Valentine's Day the company is releasing a new line of candy hearts ? Create Your Own. That's right, for only $10 you can get a set of candy hearts with sayings appropriate for any one ? your mother, your cat, or the creepy guy from down the hall (My advice, try the ones that say 'Get Lost' in that particular situation)

The American Dentists' Association, long time adversaries of the candyco's have issued a statement saying that while the candy hearts are cute, they contain ingredients that will rot teeth and advise against their consumption, especially for those with few of their original teeth left. Cahndi Caayne and her company refused to comment.

They still don't give you a clear answer about the copier guy in the office.

ROMANCE FOR ALL BUDGETS

You can eat out in style without paying a cent. The best restaurants require a credit-card deposit when making a Valentine's reservation, to protect them from last-minute cancellations. All you have to do is find a friend, acquaintance, or co-worker who has already made his/her Valentine's reservation. On February 13th, send an anonymous note to his/her significant other describing his/her horrific past (this is your opportunity to be creative). While they're breaking up, show up at the restaurant, use their reservation, and enjoy your meal. Just remember to stay within the deposit. JENNEM1

Wow the love of your life this Valentine's Day with a gift certificate for Genetucking. Too expensive you say? Not to worry. As you slowly draw the envelope out of your pocket, pause, look longingly into her eyes and then suddenly tear the envelope into pieces declaring as you do so that as your lady is perfect as she is it would be a crime to alter a single feature. Make sure a burning trash barrel is close at hand to dispose of the evidence before she realizes the envelope was empty. DAF9

Schedule an "emergency" business trip, major surgery, or "police-assisted disappearance" for February 14th. Return on the 15th. You can't believe how cheap everything is the day after. JENNEM1

HOW WE MET

Editor's Note: We sent some of our reporters out on the street to conduct instant interviews of happy couples, asking how they found love.

Louise & Eddie

"We met real romantic-like. We was living right next to each other but we never met. I was living in a Maytag washer box and Eddie was in a real nice Amana double-wide refrigerator box. One day it rained, well a lot of days it rained, actually all the days it rained but usually we all had plastic over the top of our houses. Mine was this daisy shower curtain I picked up behind the old K-Mart, you know the one I mean? That they turned into a strip club? It was a real nice shower curtain. Daisies. Oh, right, Eddie. Yeah, well, this one rainy day my shower curtain sprung a little leak and melted out one wall of my house. And so did Eddie's, well he didn't have a shower curtain he had this blue tarp thing. And the leaks made holes facing each other and I looked out and there was Eddie and well, it was just fate. So we taped our boxes together and we've been together ever since."

Fred and Mary

I was working in a ...um...er...VA hospital transporting a clone – uh I mean a patient from one room to another when I took a wrong turn and ended up in Mary's laboratory - um I mean office. She was sitting there injecting recombinant DNA into enucleated eggs and her hair was kinda fallin' in her face and ....oh, nevermind.

Car and G-Dog

We met pre-pulse when that thing called the Internet was still workin. Afta talkin for a few months we decided to meet, and we've been hooked up ever since. We're just as happy in this dumpster as we were in our dorms back in college.

Boz & Ellie

There was this big fire at the VA hospital and Ellie stumbled out. Well, she wasn't named Ellie then but she was all burned up. This doctor I know helped fix her up. She doesn't remember anything and she doesn't talk so good, but boy is she flexible.

O.C. & Feather

"So, we be jammin' at this club called Crash, right? Well, check this, I was talkin' with  my Boo's boy, Alec, when Featha comes ova, and she's all ova me askin if I want some real fun. And that's how things got started."

Wouldn't give names.

Well we met down on the pier it was cold and raining, and we were both trying to shelter out of the rain well he looked at me and I looked at him and we just knew. Hey an old factory ain't a palace but at least it is pretty dry and we can huddle together for warmth, if the nights get too cold the days as well come to think of it.

LOVE MEANS…

Love means...closing down the house account at Big Akbar's House O' Lap Dances.

Love means...even a cardboard condo feels like a palace.

Love means...that fiery sensation in your heart even when you haven't gotten too close to the burning trash can.

Love means... without genetic enhancement the object of your affection is STILL the most beautiful/handsome person you've ever seen

Love means...giving them the half of the scavenged sandwich without the bite out of it.

Love means...secretly paying for the items they stole so the cops won't be after them.

Love means letting them roll up in the old newspapers to keep warm on a cold night.

Love means....nothing to me.

Love means never having to worry about whether I can grab my yellow glasses and ride my motorcycle. The answer is always yes.

Love means...if someone breaks your heart you can't get a new one. (quickly)

Love means being permanently worried about whether she loves you back, permanently broke from the dates and presents and permanently blind to the faults of the object of your love, who will invariably turn out to be a total itch.

Love means... you're brainwashed to kill someone who is trying to get busy with the object of your affection, and when the smoke clears, you have no clue why you did what you just did...

Love means you're totally besotted with the object of your affection.

Love means trying your best to please "Mr. Right" then finding out that he doesn't even know who you are.

Love means doing everything you can to please him, and then finding out he wants to please you.

LOVE LETTERS

Editor's Note: As a gift to our readers (having nothing whatsoever to do with filling column inches), we've opened this space to those who wish to write to someone  they love on Valentine's Day.

Dear Bertha,

I am taking this opportunity to let the whole world (or at least the greater Seattle area with the money to buy this paper) know how much I love you. You are the light of my life. I don't know how I survived before you jimmied open that car trunk and found me within seconds of dying of oxygen deprivation. I know my body was genetically engineered for someone else, but my heart was created for you. Others may look at you and see only an overweight middle-aged lunchlady, but I see the true you hidden behind the hair net and rubber gloves.

Love always,

Biff

PS: Can I have a sloppy joe and milk box please?

Dear Ed,

I know I said I'd love you forever but I guess I was wrong. I'm in love with Joe now and we're leaving Seattle and you won't find us. I know this space is for love letters but it's free and all. I can tell from the articles that they don't actually read them before they publish them. Plus with their constant editorial delays, I'll have a good long head start before you see this.

Sally

Editor's note: Sally was right.  With this month's editorial delay, she should be clear across Alaska by now.  Even if she was walking.

Dear Saddie,

You've stood by me through all the hard times and all my pain and troubles. Never left my side while I was drunk. And when I would puke you would clean up after me. It makes me glad to own a dog like you. Next time though chew a breath mint after cleaning up after me.

 Butch

Dear Big Guy

The file is in the third layer of the cake. See you soon.

Love Snookums

Dear Logan

I know you're in love with another but maybe someday you'll see that not only am I better suited for you but I have a better class of friends.

Love Asha

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CONSPIRACY

VALENTINE'S

By CG double-oh-nuffin'

Ah yes, the day of red roses and chocolates. Romance and music. And of abounding conspiracies. In my struggle to ferret out the truth, I found a veritable treasure trove on Valentine's Day. And therein lie my problem for this article. Should I write about the drugs inserted in chocolate. Or the various myths spread about chocolate by government conspirators? I began to get suspicious as I delved through the muck. How much of this was truly part of the government conspiracy and how much of it was a red herring? A plausible conspiracy with evidence abounding put forward to hide the truth. 

And so I dug. And dug. And dug. I finally had to go to the source to end all source. A group of entities I will call...MLF...who assisted in my break out of a secret government installation a few months ago. They're very ingenious, MacGuyver's got nothing on them.  But I digress.

I went to the MLF and asked them if they had any leads to give. They said, "Follow the nekkid, blind one." Of course, being the truth-seeker I am I said, "What the h*ll are you talking about?" They just sighed and handed me a V-Day card. On it was pictured...Cupid. Yes, Cupid. The blindfolded naked boy from mythology that symbolizes the vulnerability and blindness of love. Also, the son of "Venus" (or Aphrodite, depending on whether you prefer Greek or Roman).  Why, you may ask, is this significant? Merely this. The Goddess of Love symbolized the power of beauty, and in the old stories her son was a grown man who was pretty *D*mn* fine.

"Sheesh," you may be thinking, "Double-oh-nuffin's clock *must* be ticking." But, my friends, you do not *begin* to delve to the depths I've delved.  Beauty and The Beast, my friends, Beauty and The Beast. Only now the mythos is much more confused, for in the beauty lies the beast. Our government overlords are very wise my friends. They know that if they control our libidos, they control us. So they set before us the unattainable ideal and tell us we can have her or him. So we chase and chase and chase. And the government has a brief period of time in which they can get away with *anything*.  Happy Valentine's Day, my friends. Leave some chocolate for me and break out the chick flicks.

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ADVICE

ANSWERING YOUR DREAMS

By Legend10013

Hi, and welcome to "Answering your dreams" column. I'm breaking in a new computer and so a lot of your e-mails may have been "Pulsed" by accident.

I'm Legend10013. Guru to the stars. I'm glad to be here to help people in need or so my editor says. Let's hear from some of our readers.

It's finally happened! That girl I told you about is here. For awhile there I was thinking she wasn't real. Thanks for giving me hope legend. By the way, in an hour someone will offer to sell you something you should get for Valentines Day. I'm sorry we couldn't complete that cookies for candy bars deal.

magnificent@EO.com

I'm glad you took my advice and stuck it out. Hope she's everything you've dreamed of. Thanks for reminding me.

legend10013@SOS.com

Dear legend I've been having these nightmares about a cat and dog chasing me. I'm in this cage with the cat and golden retriever and it appears to be one of those ultimate fighting championships. The announcer is a peacock that is screaming numbers at us. In my corner of the ring is a giant mouse that is telling me if I wish upon a star my dreams can come true. I look out at the audience and see beasts of all kinds. A bell rings and the fight begins. I try telling them all that I'm human and this is crazy but no one listens. Both the cat and dog snarl at one another but then they turn towards me and lunge at my throat. I put up my arms and a golden statue appears in my hands and I try to fend them off. The cat leaps with incredible speed and knocks the statue from my hand and the dog attacks. The last thing I see is a Fox looking down at me. What does it mean?

J.G.@Alias.com

Dear J.G. I know you're afraid to face your fears of losing but darn it I brought tickets to that fight! Show up and defend your statue. I'm almost positive that SMG doesn't bite.

legend10013@SOS.com

Hey, lil fella woulda like to buy a painting?

Joshua@EO.com

Umm...this is a column for.....oh, never mind. I really enjoyed your last work. I'll e-mail you later about your latest piece.

legend10013@SOS.com

DOCTOR LOVE

Dear Dr. Love

I met this really cool guy last week but he's only interested in talking to my German shepherd. I tried facial hair transplants and even rolling in Misty's (my dog) poo but nothing works. He has eyes only for her!! What do I do?

Lusting for Joshua

Dear Lusting,

You tried what?? Uh.. Ok... I mean it is your body... Don't you know anything though?? You have to roll around in her pee, they don't like the poop smell. But the pee smell... You'll catch him there. Trust me.

Dr. Love

Dear Dr. Love,

I have this girl at school that I like and I wanted to send her a valentine, but the stores don't sell the ones that I like. So I cut up a medical magazine and gave her a picture of a *real* heart. I fancied it up real good and put some ketchup on it to look like blood. It was great! It even looked real! I went all sentimental on her and even put: Won't you be my valentine. She hated it and called me a pig...What happened?

G.I. Joe

Dear G.I.Joe,

You know, I think you made a mistake and got the picture from an animal science magazine. That has to be it. You got a pig heart instead of a human heart. That or you *might* have gone a little overboard with the ketchup. Who knows, us women are a confusing lot. Good luck with the ladies.

Dr. Love

Dear Dr. Love,

I'm in love with a chocolate bar; a 1000 Grand bar to be exact. And my weight-watchers weigh in is on Valentines Day! What do I do?

Weight-watchers dropout.

Dear Drop Out,

It just occurred to me that you should over ride the system and so that you can make your own weight. that way when the other people get up to be weighed, you can make them some outrageous # of pounds and make you look good... If you need any help over riding the system, there is a girl down at Jampony Express you might talk to.

Dr. Love

Dear Dr. Love;

Sometimes I'm just "not in the mood." Things happen. The flu, job stress, papercuts, whatever. But whenever I tell my fiancé that I'm not in the mood, he curls up into a fetal position and bangs his head on the floor until I give in. What should I do?

Has a Headache

Dear Has A Headache,

You could always pad the floors. Or, an even better idea, you could always make him think that you have given in, tie him to the bed and run to the other room to nurse your... papercuts. Hey, it has always worked for me!

Dr. Love

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Valentine's Day Special

At Biff and Bertha's luncheonette down on South Market (formerly Vogelsang's Laundry & Private Investigations)

A choice selection of Chocolate hearts and candy flowers - 3 for $10 with every entrée.

NO SUBSTITUTIONS!!

Hurry down right now. These Pre-Pulse prices won't last!

Editor's note: Not only is the food great but the place is spotless. That Biff really knows how to wield a vacuum cleaner.

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COMPANY NEWS

WORSHIPPING A MANAGEMENT GODDESS

By DAF9

Regular readers of SOS will be aware that for several months now we have had our very own goddess on the premises: Logans_Babe, CFO and Management Goddess to be precise.

Although most of our atheist readers tend to treat Logans_Babe like a regular person some of the more religious members of our audience have been contacting SOS with inquiries regarding the issue of how to properly worship a Management Goddess.

The following suggestions are provided.

Strew Her path with small change. Yes, I know rose petals are more traditional but trust me a Management Goddess would rather have small change. Actually what She would really like is large bills but we know that none of our readers possess any.

Create an altar of old yearly budget reports and cancelled checks made out to the reporters of SOS and then burn something on said altar. What you burn doesn't matter - the goal is to have the altar consumed by flames. (Trust me, most of those checks aren't worth the paper they're printed on and consequently the majority of SOS employees will be happy to trade them for a cookie or even a piece of stale bread. And the yearly budget reports are a total fabrication that Logans_Babe would rather keep out of the hands of the IRS anyway.)

Send your good-looking sons to serve Her. Logans_Babe is reported to be a relatively benevolent goddess - the ones She doesn't select for personal servants She will send off to college to get MBAs that will assist them in their future careers. And the ones She does select as personal servants will know the joy of serving Her - and will hopefully keep the offices and restrooms around here a little tidier than the current cleaning staff.

OMG ANOTHER GODDESS

By DAF9

Yes it's true. SOS has not one but TWO Goddesses on our staff. This reporter just learned today that Conspiracy Girl is actually a MOUSE GODDESS in disguise.

To worship a Mouse Goddess .... this one is SO EASY.

Sugar cubes. Lots and lots and lots of Sugar cubes, strewn in her path while humming music from the old brit sf show "Red Dwarf".

And let's hope our goddesses never met. History has shown Goddesses are usually jealous of each other.

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POLICE NEWS

THE MUTANT SITUATION

By Melasand

I was recently granted an interview with a sergeant in the Seattle police department  to discuss the recent spate of mutant reports. On my arrival he gave me a partial copy of a official document to read. It stated that after an extensive official inquiry there was no evidence of transgenic mutants in the city of Seattle. Reported sightings by the public are attributed to the recent water contamination experienced in the city. It further stated that there are no strange creatures living in the sewers, and the alleged mermaid said to be being exhibited in a local bar was in fact an elaborate hoax. It is in fact nothing more than another case of public hysteria.

Footnote: On leavening the station I was hailed from an alley by a voice identifying itself as 'deep woof' thought in fact I never saw this individual I was promised information providing I could produce 2lbs of quality steak. I returned later with the aforementioned steak, obtained I might add at no little personal risk. I handed it over or to be more exact threw it over and after some inexplicable snuffling and growling received the following information.  The sector police would catch and stop any mutant trying to enter the city, that is unless they had enough money to pay the appropriate bribe, in which case they would have free entry to the city. Police dogs have caught several unusual scents in the sewers but through a sense of self preservation have not followed up on them.

There are strange things afoot in this city. This seemed to conclude the interview, on further investigation of the alley I found only a small scruffy dog that said 'bark' before going on his way.

WHAT CONSTITUTES A MOB

By Melasand

For those interested in starting a mob to hunt down these mutants please remember a few simple guidelines.

1 Flaming torches are compulsory at least one torch to four people.

2 The carrying of Scythes and pitchforks is acceptable.

3 The combined IQ of a mob is half the IQ of its most stupid member.

4 Throwing stones is acceptable.

5 If anyone is arrested you do not know them.

6 Lastly remember your mob will need some food and drink for later, your mob will need feeding after stalking the streets doing random property damage

POLICE REPORT

By X5422

Recently in Seattle there has been a series of Twizzler thefts for various convenience stores. Currently, nine convenience stores have reported that their entire supply of Twizzlers has been stolen. An investigation is underway at this time. There are currently no suspects.

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ENTERTAINMENT

PUNXSUTAWNEY PHIL FOUND DEAD AND EATEN. PA. RESIDENTS SHOCKED AND ENRAGED!

By Weirdarchive

The annual Groundhog Day celebration turned into a mass wake today as Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania's favorite resident rodent was found dead, roasted on a spit, and devoured by unknown person or persons. The usually festive mood of the occasion has turn somber, with some residents contemplating suicide or vigilante justice for Phil's killers. The military governor, Brigadier General Bernard Stewart, has decided on a Level Two Alert Status due to the special circumstances and has also informed the surrounding military sectors to be on the lookout for any enraged Pennsylvanians out to create panic. Checkpoints have been doubled and additional troops have been airlifted to defuse the tense situation.

The day began like any other Groundhog Day celebration with many party goers looking forward to the spectacle and traditions of this ages old event. According to legend, if a groundhog sees his shadow, there will be about six more weeks of Winter. If he doesn't, Spring will come. The town of Punxsutawney had made Groundhog Day and its mascot Phil its own unique mix of Marti Gras and New Year's, with visitors coming from all over the world to see the revered rodent and his electric heated burrow and enjoy the festival which included an all day showing of the 1993 cult classic hit GROUNDHOG DAY starring Bill Murray and Andie MacDowell at the local theaters. Usually, Phil's handlers would come out with the Mayor and other local officials, bring out Phil in all his glory, and predicted how the winter would last. While Phil's predictions were less than stellar, the festival provided a well deserved release of tension. Only during the Great Tragedy of September 11 and the chaos of the Pulse did the Groundhog Day celebration required protection. During the Pulse and the Dark Months that followed when food deliveries were infrequent and subject to attack, some citizens took to hunting wild game which included groundhog. The hunting took a heavy toll on the groundhog population, so much so that the Military Council of New England imposed a ban on groundhog hunting and declared it a protected species. The killing of groundhog drew a 10 year sentence in the stockade and all domesticated groundhogs like Phil were given around the clock protection. As order was restored, the protection was relaxed and the penalty was reduced to two years hard labor. Despite these measures, the groundhog population suffered greatly and Phil's pen was considered better protected than Fort Knox until this tragedy.

According to unofficial reports, it's believed that someone broke into Phil's pen during the night in a fit of hunger and killed the groundhog with a sharp hunting knife. His entails and skin were removed and the meat was skewered on a spit some 15 miles away from the pen. Some have speculated that Phil's organs were either thrown out or preserved for stewing. No one knows the reason why the fur was taken, though some have suggested it would be useful as coat lining or for symbolic value. The remains, mostly bones and leftover burnt flesh, will be given a burial with full military honors and a 21-gun salute as befitting all departed dignitaries of Phil's stature.

No one knows as yet if the murderers were part of the protection detail or if it was the act of drifters. There has been no word on an investigation, though a substitute groundhog was sent in later on to complete the ceremony. Despite this quick action, mourners were tear-eyed and angry by the loss of their beloved rodent. Some were overcome with emotion and has to be attended by medical personnel. There have been at least 5 attempted suicides of note. There have also been 15 attacks against some of the homeless in the area and rumors of possible hate crimes on the foreign  shanty town close by Punxsutawney. The mayor and local police have urged calm and restraint on this tragic moment. A reward has been offered for information on the killer or killers of Punxsutawney Phil. His pen has become an impromptu shrine with flowers and condolences sent from all parts of North America, Europe, Central America, Japan, and even an official telegram from the Alaskan Republic Air Home Guard Commander and former resident 'Rocking' Billy Philip Hayes. A candle light vigil has been set for tomorrow evening with a moment of silence followed by the christening of the new Phil.

TV AND MOVIE LISTINGS

By WEIRDARCHIVE

On Cineplex, Canada:

DONE WITH WIRES, 2005, Starring Diane Farr, Yasmine Bleeth, Denise Richards, and Luke Wilson. Written, produced, and directed by Denis Leary. Rated R. If there's one thing to say about the long and fruitful career of Denis Leary, it's the fact that he's real. Real about his emotions, real about his acting, real about his comedy, and real about his writing and directing. Boston's favorite son does his best work here as he tells the tale of a nice woman (Farr) attending Emerson College and trying to get a degree in journalism in spite of the insanity that plagues her life in the form of her sister (Bleeth), her roommate (Richards), and the guy (Wilson) she occasionally 'dry humps just to keep him out of my panties' as she puts it. Now, granted his humor does run on the cynical and dark and sometimes the points he tries to make doesn't quite hit the mark, but he is always entertaining and he does take his craft seriously...even when the characters sometimes don't like the moment Farr's character finds out her sister is a lesbian and her roommate does lap dances for rent money which is how they ended up meeting and falling for each other. Leary does do an uncredited cameo as Farr's true love who tries to help her sort her life out and some of the cast of his tv series THE JOB (which Farr was also a part of) also play some roles in the picture. If you overlook the seedier moments and the rare rant fest, this is a heartwarming picture, reaffirming how the people who drive you the most crazy are the best kin you'll ever have...unless your sister is dating your roommate who strips for a living. Contains sexual themes, nudity, profanity, mild violence, and gallows humor. Parents strongly cautioned.

YO, GENIUS!, 2005, Starring Eliza Dushku, Elizabeth Anne Allen, Danny Strong, and Adam Busch. Written and directed by Ryan Murphy. Rated PG-13. If you ever wanted to know about Ryan Murphy and how his career went down the toilet can be clearly explained with this particular movie. After achieving some success with his television series POPULAR, he tried to get into movies starting with the abysmal creation Why Can't I Be Audrey Hepburn(2002) which all but destroyed the career of Tammy Lynn Michaels before she could finally gain success two years later as the blind seer Omni in the television remake of THE TOMORROW PEOPLE: THE REBORN. Apparently, he somehow managed to gain enough clout to make another picture of his own making, this time dealing with a gay man named Frankie (Strong) who has a hard time dealing with the world, especially with his semi-homophobic sister (Allen) trying to hook him with her college pal (Dushku) who in turn is attempting to make a play on his bisexual boyfriend (Busch). Safe to say, this comedy of errors runs the gambit between bad, worse, and just God Awful. Murphy didn't bother to learn from his mistakes starting with the lesson about leaving filmmaking to the real professionals and stick to fluff journalism which he was good at. Most people didn't bother to watch this in the theaters, so you needn't bother watching here. Cited by the GLAAD Awards with the 'Flaming Pink Flamingo' Award which goes to films that negatively portray the gay community. Contain brief nudity, language, homophobic slurs, and bad taste. Ages 15 and up.

BENDING LIGHT, 2005, Starring Tamara Mello, Rachel Ticotin, Casey Affleck, and Penelope Cruz. Written and directed by Gregory Nava. Rated R. This is an overlooked gem of the Latin cinema at the time where acceptance of Hispanic culture was gaining in leaps and bounds. Mello plays Patricia, a young astronaut trainee vying for a slot on the International Space Station. Naturally, her quest is sidelined when her mother (Ticotin) is stricken with a stroke and has to be tended to despite the insistence of the workaholic sister Cloe (Cruz) that she be sent to a home. Adding to her problems is a handsome competitor (Affleck) who has family problems of his own. While the schmaltz about loving your kin does muddle with the love story, you have to admire how Ms. Mello plays her character and how her performance compliments the other actors. The believability of an upper middle class Latin family not living in the Barrio but still holding on to the traditional family values was highly praised by the critics. Nominated for three Independent Spirit Awards. Contains full frontal nudity, sexual content, adult language, mild violence, and some bodily fluid. Parents Strongly Cautioned.

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CLASSIFIEDS/PERSONALS

Wanted: Scalpels, knives, razor blades, or any other reasonably sharp objects in bulk quantities. Rust, blood, or other foreign substance OK as long as it is removable. Top prices paid.

For Sale: Slugs...er tokens that work in most arcade games. Discount prices. Leave a message and I'll contact you.

For Sale: TVs. Used. All kinds and all in working order. Willing to consider any reasonable offer. Contact Alec at Jam Pony.

For Sale: Chocolate bars. 15 cases, mostly unopened. Contact Alec at Jam Pony for details.

Position wanted: Scientist: Seeking a position in a mid to lrg sized bio research firm. Holds PHD in Biology and Genetics. Speciality in virual pathology. Have recent experience in field working for Vivadyne Laboratory. Reference D. Lydecker.

Wanted: person with strong hands to stand behind desk chair and give back massages on demand. Age/sex/gender/appearance not an issue. Will provide meals and disinfectant Handi-Wipes. Apply SOS offices.

Position wanted: Personal trainer/bodyguard adept with all manner of weapons and training equipment. Competent field medic and grocery shopper and capable of driving an Aztek equipped with hand brakes. Will NOT advise on love life! References available upon request. For more information contact Bling at SOS PO Box 276

WANTED INFORMATION ON THE GREAT CAPTAIN DON Information is urgently required on the whereabouts of Captain Don, currently missing for over 8 weeks, a reward will be offered for any information provided revealing his current location. Replies to this box.

Join the SOS team today!! Contact Jennem1 or Samcrazy at 555-555-5555.

Become a nurse! General Hospital is looking for nurses! Supply your own uniform and you've got the job! 555-555-2353.

Agoraphobic person looking for someone who enjoys the outdoors. Must know how to get mail, lock a door, and get groceries. Call Margie 555-555-5590.

Wanted: Men's glasses and hair gel. contact Steph at Logan_Needs_Help@DarkAngel.com

"Get Lost" Valentine hearts. Contact Max@Asha_Haters.com

Lots of Blankets. Contact the Homeless shelter.

Lost:  Flying broom and black pointy hat. Contact Asha at Foggle Towers.

Sanity. Many Marbles. I need them back! Contact DTM at anomalie@From_Manticore.com.

Fresh water. Contact Logans_babe at the_statue_is_melting@SOS.com

Found: Stray cats all over the city. Contact Ms. Nezbit at tea_party@imanoldlady.com

Big heavy briefcase with lots of cash. Will trade for drugs. Contact the bad guys 555-555-8907