STREETS OF SEATTLE

EDITION 45, 2020

http://pages.prodigy.net/jennem

http://forums.delphiforums.com/darkangelfans/messages

To our readers: The stories appearing in today's STREETS OF SEATTLE have been cleared by the U.S. Army under the provisions of the Martial Law Declaration of 2009 and the National Emergency Declaration of 2010.

Editor-in-Chief: Jennem1

Senior Editor: DAF9

Chief Reporter: WeirdArchive

Chief Contributing Reporter: Dark999Moon

Contributing Reporter: Angushardie

Conspiracy Girl/Mouse Goddess: 2ndmousevv

Contributing Reporter: DCRracing

Contributing Reporter: Darkfan4

Chief Financial Officer/Management Goddess: Logans_Babe

Contributing Reporter: SK194

Contributing Reporter: Maxchic

Contributing Reporter: 727angel

Contributing Reporter: Melasand

Editor Emeritus: Samcrazy

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LOCAL NEWS

CULT CYBORG GANG DISMANTLED BY SECTOR POLICE

By WEIRDARCHIVES

In one of those rare instances where the citizens actually WANTED the Sector

Police to be on the scene, a dangerous cult of cybernetic junkies were quickly dealt with by elements of Seattle's finest in a flurry of EMP bursts and gunfire on Tuesday, the climax of Operation: Connor (a play on the neo-classic sci fi picture THE TERMINATOR, where the last name of the hero was Connor). This final act ends the saga of the Metalheads, a gang of cybernetically enhanced lunatics who had plagued most of the Market Street area for some time. Unofficial tolls have at least twenty of the youths dead with only five Sector Police officers and ten civilians seriously injured. So far, there have been only nine Metalhead survivors accounted for and, according to off the record sources, that tally could either be finalized or actually drop before the end of the week.

The self dubbed Metalheads were a gang of youths who felt the need to 'enhance' their so-called puny bodies with illegal and often dangerous cybernetic limbs and accessories from the Asian Black Tech Market. While cyborg arms and synaptic relays were the most popular, some had enhancements done to their legs, torsos, heads, and even erotic zones in an attempt to 'upgrade' to something more acceptable to their desires. Some had even had full body transformations, resulting in disturbing "Urban Knight" sightings by unsuspecting civilians. To fund their habit which involved regular tune-up at illegal 'Butcher Boy Shops' (illegal medical clinics where enhancements were done in unsanitary conditions), these criminals often preyed on others by mugging, minor drug deals of bio-steroids or second hand cybernetics, contract killing, and grave-robbing for valuable organs. The need to constantly keep with latest trends in cybernetics and to maintain their enhancement caused a dependency in most Metalheads that often rivaled the cravings of heroin and Num abusers. Without their 'kick', the Metalheads literally shut down. This sobering possibility made them violent and extremely dangerous to most  who were 'Fleshies' (Metalhead slang for unenhanced humans) and sometimes to their own kind. According to police reports, almost a quarter of all crime is committed by a Metalhead to maintain his habit. Most gangs and crime families refuse to have any dealing with Metalheads owing to their volatile nature. Incidents of gang warfare waged by the Metalheads ran riot for three months, with some considering calling in a Level Four Local Alert and involving the military. That changed when members of the Tokyo Cybernetic Crimes Division arrived with their newest weapon against the Metalheads.: the Honda VT-68 EMP Blaster, capable to sending a highly powerful electromagnetic pulse that can burn out most of today's enhanced bio-chips and computer processors. The Division taught the Sector Cops the proper way to use the Blaster and the rest, as they say, was history.

While Operation: Connor was a two-year investigation into the criminal world of cybernetic enhancement, it wasn't until this year that the Sector Police took direct frontal action against the gangs. Most of the fighting was in the Market Street Sectors with some later scuffles at the waterfront warehouses and outside the city limits. Unlike most gangs, the Metalheads had no central leader which made things difficult for the Sector Police as far as capturing the leader and his hierarchy went. The battles have been mostly to the death and some Metalheads have been rumored to committed suicide rather than be forced to return to their normal selves. Sector Police Officer Walter Estep, who is in overall charge of the operation, has suggested the fighting will end by the end of the week with most of the Metalheads going into seizures from lack of proper timely maintenance or from "Kill Programs" that prevent the theft of cybernetic parts from other gang members by burning out the CPUs of each limbs. So far, none of the Metalheads have taken hostages or committed acts of terrorism. Some have suggested the Metalheads are 'running themselves down' in protest of the crackdown. Until further notice, civilians are advised to use caution in the nighttime and in the Market Street Sectors. Police urge civilians not to confront a member of the Metalheads for any reason. They are to contact their nearest Sector Police Station, state their case, and then get the Hell out there. So far, the civilians of Seattle have heeded this advice.

STRANGE SEA CREATURES: A TASTY TREAT?

By Angus Hardie

Warning: if you are squeamish or of a nervous disposition, please stop reading now.  Plus if you really like fish, you may want to stop here also.

If you haven't stopped then you obviously enjoy this kind of thing.

Researchers and fish eaters were appalled today to discover what appears to be a large salmon with human arms. This mutant fish was caught by commercial fisherman James Roebuck who as captain of the 'Seattle Pride' regularly fishes off the coast of Washington state.

"It was mite tasty that fish. The arms put me off a bit at first, but its true hat they say, it does taste like chicken. Me and the boys had a good dinner that day.

Unfortunately no samples of this mutated specimen survive, the only evidence that exists are some photographs and video taken by Mr. Roebuck and the testimony of the crew. Some researchers are skeptical.

But Dr Rebecca Jones of the Seattle Oceanographic and Seafood center may have an answer. "This is not the first time we've seen something similar. About two years back or so there was a similar incident, but that time we were able to conduct an examination of the fish. Its DNA had been corrupted, we think from mutagenic compounds in the seawater but perhaps it was deliberate, regrettably we weren't able to say for sure."

"However the fish appeared to have arms and we observed it using the arms to catch smaller fish in our test tank. It then ate the smaller fish. It was gruesome to watch. One of our interns passed out. We eventually concluded it was a freak of nature and served it up as one of our entrees for the day. Chicken and Salmon pie. It was a really popular dish!"

So there we have it. Another freak of nature or a new eating trend, we may never know. But one thing's for sure, the Seafood at the Seafood center sure is tasty.

Angus Hardie paid $67 for dinner and wine for 2 persons at the Seattle Oceanographic and Seafood Center. Regular specials available including a lunchtime menu. It's located at Harbor View, Seattle. 555 067 249 6098.

ST. PATRICK'S DAY REVIVAL CANCELLED

By Dark999Moon

A planning committee for the St Patrick's Day celebration, which would have been the first St Patrick's Day since the pulse, left abruptly yesterday with no plans to meet again after being chased out by "A plague of snakes and devils." The committee, run by the friendly people of Erish Beer Co, was meeting in their warehouse, when they said they were set upon by giant snakes and scary looking people.

Says one committee member, "We were just sitting there, talking about what a great idea this was, drinking a few samples of our green beer, and this freaky looking little bald guy shows up followed by these huge snakes…he had funny eyes and kept flicking out his tongue."

The committee says that they can't have St Patrick's Day if there are all those snakes around. Also the snakes ruined all of their green food coloring. "Do you know how hard it is to find mold that will…I mean green food coloring?" says a committee member.

This SOS reporter is majorly disappointed, because I might have some Irish in me, if I knew who parents were, I would ask them.

HARBOR LIGHTS VIRUS SCARE A HOAX!

By Daf9

Last week representatives of the Center for Disease Control paid a hush-hush visit to the Harbor Lights Medical Center that resulted in a three-day closure of that facility. Although the staff, both medical and non-medical, were remarkably tight-lipped about the reasons for the shut down SOS finally managed to find a diaper delivery guy who heard it straight from an emergency room orderly whose sister's podiatrist's receptionist listened in on a call between one of the CDC guys and his boss in Washington, that although the supposed reason for the  shut down was an unusual virus scare, the REAL reason was far less frightening. Turns out the administrators and senior medical staff had bribed the CDC to enable them to take a spring break. If you don't believe this story look at the dates involved. Do you really think it was just a coincidence that the Harbor Lights closure fell on the same days as the "Annual pre-Easter Amateur Spring Golf Classic" held in Vancouver last week?

Next time you have an ingrown toenail or a gunshot wound, go to Metro Medical. Not only is it a better hospital but their doctors have lower handicaps.

MISSING SHOES

By Melasand

There has been an unexplained rash of missing shoes in the Seattle area lately. It is suspected that mermaids may have been responsible. Apparently the dumping of rubbish on the waterfront has escalated, several wardrobes have been disposed of there, and it is believed mermaids have taken them into the depths with them. However as everyone knows wardrobes have a genetic need to have shoes in the bottom of them, possibly as some sort of symbiotic relationship. It is suspected that mermaids may have been sneaking ashore and stealing shoes to put in the bottoms of the wardrobes in an effort to keep their new possessions happy. Other theories suggest that it is sea monsters in the pay of the mermaids that are committing the actual thefts. Thought it remains to be proved how they are dealing with the pressure difference between their homes in the murky depths and on land.

It has even been suggested that it is possible dolphins have been tricked into thinking they are playing games by stealing the shoes of people sleeping out on the seafront. Whatever the answer it is confirmed shoes are vanishing from the seafront areas.

BE ON YOUR GUARD PROTECT YOUR SHOES.

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SALE SALE SALE SALE

For Sale Now: Name Brand Clothes!

Nike! Gap! These once common brand names now going cheap! Will take US Money, Canadian Money, OR will trade for food! Come to the last warehouse on Drivel Dr anytime between 6pm-6am. You must tell me if you are a Copper!

SALE SALE SALE SALE

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NATIONAL NEWS

HODGES HAS CLEAN BILL OF HEALTH, TACKLES ONGOING INDIA CRISIS

By WEIRDARCHIVES

At the Winter Residence of the Republic of Alaska's President, located at an undisclosed locale, 'Governor' William Hodges underwent his eleventh medical check-up as prescribed by the rogue state's constitution to ensure the well being of the President and a smooth transition of power should the need arise for the Vice President to assume command. Doctors from the Fairbanks Medical Center, University of Toyko Neurological Institute, and the Montreal Genetic Disorder Clinic examined the President for some 30 hours before giving him a cautious clean bill of health. The heads of each team gave their findings at a press conference at the People's Assembly in Anchorage. While Hodges has had some trouble of late with his blood pressure and a slight case of insomnia, this was mostly blamed on stress from the ongoing crisis in India where anti-Alaska riots have been waging for a month. The death toll has been estimated at 20,000 with most of New Delhi, Bangalore, and Madras still under martial law. President Hodges' concerns about how the vote at the Indian Parliament dealing with that country's full recongization of the rogue state had affected his health to the point where Vice President Calvin Rutherford executed the 'Stream Valve Amendment', a clause in the Alaskan Constitution that allows the Vice President to order the President on a mandatory medical holiday and assume temporary duties as Acting President until as such time the President is fit to resume his duties. This Amendment was approved by the Alaskan Citizens Assembly in part to the chaos that occurred during George Walker Bush's term when his Vice President Richard Cheney was stricken with a stroke and the President then suffered a sudden panic attack that left the country under the hands of the Speaker of the House Denny Hastert for three months which resulted in his near impeachment by Democrat factions.

By Alaskan law, the health of the President takes top priority in matters of crisis and cannot be left unattended to. If the Vice President or at least five members of the Cabinet feel the President deserves a rest leave for the sake of his well being, he can put him on vacation and become Acting President unless an emergency or an act of war overrides that authority. The President then must take a three-week vacation where he's allowed to unwind and 'blow off stream' as the Steam Valve Amendment suggests. A team of doctors then examines the President to see if he's fit to resume his duties or if another three vacation is needed. Only if the President is declared mentally or medically unfit to continue his term can the Vice President take full control as President and only by the conclusion of three doctors whose findings are independent from one another and can be verified by another medical authority not directly linked to the government. This is to prevent any possible coup attempts and ensure stability within the government.

Asked what did he do on his forced vacation, Hodges joked with reporters, "Oh, I just fished at the cabin and cussed out my friend Calvin for putting me on ice for awhile." Hodges then thanked his Vice President for his sound judgment in keeping him from a possible stroke. Vice President Rutherford gave him a hug and told him it was nothing. "I hate to do that to the big lug since he's been doing a bang up job," Rutherford said at the press conference. "But sometimes a friend has to intervene to the sake of his health. Hodges was being eaten alive by the Indian riots and what the Fed had been lying about how it was all his fault. It was either pull him out for a vacation or start craving the memorial headstone." Hodges stated that he should be back to work in three days, ready to help defuse the tension within India's borders and refute US claims that the Parliament vote was to be rigged in Alaska's favor by members of the Nation of Islam Reformed under orders by Samantha Adjia (the ex-Britney Spears) and that members of the Hindu Bharatiya Janata Party had discovered the potential fraud and reacted as "patriots of a free and uncorrupted India" as one unnamed White House source suggested.

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PUBLIC NOTICE: As of today Captain Don can no longer except new born babies.  Because of a out of control rat problem we can no longer accept babies in our 24-hour drop slot or in any way. Captain Don is very sorry for this inconvenience and would like to thank all the hundreds of mothers out there that have trusted their babies to us.

Captain Don

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CONSPIRACY GIRL

SPRINGTIME…

By CG double-oh-nuffin'

Ah, yes, it's springtime again in the Emerald City! For those of you who are high, I'm talking about Seattle. Ah, springtime! When it gets even greener than usual and maybe a few other colors peek in with the blooming flowers. Ah, springtime! The season where, when it isn't raining, we go outside to revel in the fact that it's not *quite* as cold as it was... And when the government gets back to its job, subjugating the people. That would be *you*. You might roll your eyes at me. You might scoff and say, "CG, you're trippin' again. What does *springtime* have to do with government conspiracies." Well....you asked.

When the people begin to emerge from their winter dens, the government spy satellites have an easier job of tracking everyone. And with less snow and blizzards, it's just that easier for them to follow you. Trust me, the "welt" guy is back at it. You know the one I'm talking about.

"What," you may ask, "Is so eye-opening about that? It's not like we didn't know."

Ah, yes, and therein lies the true threat. For while you think you're being oh so cautious about your "tail", the people following you, you may find yourself growing more lax about other things. Like reading the truth as it appears in the Streets of Seattle's Conspiracy section. Hey! you pick this page back up! I'm not through with you yet! Uh-uh, no tossing into a dumpster either to line your new bed, you need to read this first.

The old government spy and surveillance systems are being brought online again, rapidly. The question we must ask ourselves is, why? All these silly stories flying around about mutant strippers is all well and good, but surely you realize it's just a blind! While we distract ourselves with all these silly "mutants" the government is safely pursuing its true goal...To put to use its assassins from Area 51!

Dadgumit! They found me again!

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Sector Police fund raiser at Capt. Don's

Heeelllllllooooo Seattle! It's "The First annual Captain Don Easter Fund Raiser for Seattle's Great Sector Police." First off, we all love and need the Sector Police. Without them it would be total anarchy and the streets of our great town would not be safe! Just down at the pier the crime rate has been cut in half in the last year!!! the murder rate alone is down from 330 last year to 136 for the last 12months!  The Sector Police are God's gift to Seattle ,and we are going to have a fundraiser for them on Easter Sunday! Bring the whole family, yes even grandma and grandpa! We will have live bands, cheap food, cheap booze, card and poker games, we will be raffling off Dream Dates with some of Captain Dons finest girls! And you may win some of those hard to get Sector Police Passes! With one of these babies you can go anywhere you want, just please come back. Bring the kids to our petting farm and see all of our meat products as they look alive, and for you open minded kids, get grandpa a lap dance from a hot Teenage girl! Best of all you will get to meet the Sector police in person, and that alone could be a big plus if you should run into them on the street. Just think how the people that don't come are going to feel! All proceeds will go to the needs of Seattle's Sector Police. SEE YOU SUNDAY! Captain Don

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LETTERS TO THE EDITOR

Dear Editor:

I (censored) would just like to say that I read your last edition and since (censored) wrote in, I would like to also. I want everyone from (censored) to (censored) to know that I do indeed share my (censored) paper with others. However I refuse to share with (censored) because (censored) and his friends (censored) use it for toilet paper before I get to read it. Over here in (censored) it gets really boring and I need something to do, so I read your articles and me and my friends (censored) and (censored) like to make fun of all the (censored) that happens back home. It would make all (censored) of us feel better to be out of that (censored) if it weren't for all the (censored), the (censored), and the (censored) over here in (censored).

Sincerely, (censored)

THIS LETTER CENSORED FOR YOUR OWN PROTECTION BY (censored)

Editor's note: We have been asked recently what we do with the words we censor out of reader's contributions. The answer is this: we cut them out, glue them to magnetic backings, and use them to create amusing sentences on the office refrigerator.

Dear Editor,

Recently I choked on my Sprite while laughing at a halfway amusing article in your paper. Don't get hopeful, the article wasn't funny. I was laughing at the typos. Anyway, I feel that I sustained both physical and emotional trauma from this incident. I am currently debating whether to sue the Streets of Seattle or Sprite for my pain and suffering. Could you please inform me of your current financial status?

Thank you. Wet Keyboard, Sore Throat

Editor's Note: We have no money but lots of lawyers. You should have read the fine print on the SOS wrapper. We aren't liable for any damage you inflict upon yourself while reading our paper. You on the other hand are liable for any slanderous remarks you might make regarding our publication. You will be hearing from our legal representatives shortly.

Dear Editor,

As a member of the Seattle Military Police Department I would like to complain about the excessive size of your publication. On several occasions now some of our more junior officers have completely missed suspects who were hiding behind copies. I ask that you reduce the size immediately and if possibly try to make it more transparent. Unless, of course, you feel that your readers buy it solely because of its dimensions and not because of its content?

Sincerely, Capt FD Williams, Seattle MPD

Dear editor,

I thought that the article you printed on Punxsutawney Phil's death was so terrible! I was really crying. I read the article to my dog and it upset him so much he bit me in the knee. That is when I cried. So I just thought that I'd let you know that I'm going to sue you for a replacement kneecap.

-Kneeless in Seattle

Editor's Note: We are sorry for your pain but if you read the back page (the teeny tiny print - I think it was in Sanskrit in the edition you are referring to) you would see that in reading our paper you agree to waive the right to sue for any and all damage that results from your actions. But we will be sending you a free 3-edition subscription to SOS. We look forward to having you as a reader for many years to come.

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SPECIAL ADVERTISING SECTION

By Samcrazy

Home alone with nothing do to?  Are the sticky Valentines chocolates melting on the kitchen counter getting you down? THEN WAIT NO LONGER!  CALL…

DIAL A SOS DATE

Had a recent Valentines Day break-up with your boyfriend? Rebounding in odd directions and dating any old shmoe that happens to pass by?  Then don't punish yourself any longer!  Dial 0800-I AM DESPERATE AND WILLING TO DATE ANY OLD SHMOE FOR A LOW FEE OF FIFTY DOLLARS and you'll find that your love-life will immediately perk up!

Our dates have been trained in the art of obedience so they won't get away! *

They will begin to clean up your house, getting rid of any of those unsightly marks your ex left behind! All come with a license to burn any of his possessions that may be hanging around your house!

** So just sit back and relax as your date dumps all the Valentines trash that you have left over!

The Streets of Seattle have a fine range of guys or girls who have agreed *** to participate in an act of community service, that means any of you are entitled to date one of these fun **** people!

Some people in this section are:

The illustrious JENNEM, our very own Ed-in Chief is ready and willing to clean away all your Valentines rubbish and show you a good time!  She loves to eat ***** and is great for a chat! ******

Our rhyming star DAF9 is always up for a date and loves to tidy up the house!  She is great at writing romantic poems and is frequently found writing the odd sonnet! *******

Want a bookworm who loves to talk about…well books?  Then WEIRDARCHIVE is the one for you!  He is the king of knowledge ******** and finds it fun to take out your Valentines trash!

Ever wanted to date a cyborg who could rip your heart out without even breaking a sweat?  No? ********* Well OLGERTH is the one for you! He doesn't clean up the house…he'd probably burn it down instead.

With these and many more you can find happiness in just one phone call!  So get rid of that Valentines junk and date a SOS writer today!

*The streets of Seattle do not give refunds if you happen to leave the door open and they get out

**Requesting to view this license does affect your rights to keeping your date and subsequently you will have to pay a thirty-dollar fee to send your date back before the specified time of return

***Probably a lie and the streets of Seattle uphold the right to fib as much as they want so suing doesn't get you anywhere

****Another lie, most of them haven't seen the light of day for three months due to them being chained to their desks

*****We advise that you keep pencils out of her reach

******She has a electric cattle prodder and frequently uses it on annoying people who bother her when she is eating the aforementioned pencils

*******Lies, all lies

********There is no basis for this title and again we hold the right to add any crap like this into our articles

*********You really have little choice in the matter

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Just been through a tough break up with your other-half?  Having a hard time deciding how you should mend your broken heart?  Try Valentrash Gumbo!

Ingredients:

Five grams of squashed chocolates

Fifty grams of stolen CD's (preferably your ex's favourite bands)

A sprinkle of torn up love letters

The arm of a Valentine's teddy bear

Chopped up photographs of your ex

A spoonful of your boyfriend's cologne

Before starting, shell the CD's and snap into smaller pieces, watching for fragments incase they fly in odd directions.  Mix together the arm, love letters and the photographs and boil over a hot flame.  If the arm sets on fire use a little of your boyfriend's cologne to encourage the flame.  When the arm begins to burn quickly, add the crushed Valentine chocolate to coat it.  When the arm has begun to disintegrate add the CD fragments and stir.  After twenty minutes place the Gumbo in a pot and marvel at the wonder of home cooking!

Not the cooking type?  Then try sending you're ex a message by making an After-Valentine's day prank!

I bet you've heard of the old 'sugar in the gas tank' joke!  Well, take it a step further with the 'Valentine's chocolate in the gas tank' joke!  This is bond to eliminate those angry, negative emotions and turn them into laughter!

Melt down all the Valentine's chocolate that your ex gave you in a pan over the stove.  Allow the melted chocolate to cool and pour into a container and store the fridge over night. 

In the morning wake early and drive over to your ex's house, making sure to keep a low profile.  Simply creep up to his car and pour the chocolate through the hole into the fuel tank!  Retreat to a safe distance, making sure that you remain hidden and when your ex tries to start the car watch as his engine splutters!

The Streets of Seattle have something else to offer you!  We have approximately thirty electronic taggers for sale and can offer them to you for low, low prices! 

So you may be wondering how you can install one of these on your ex?

Sorry, that's your problem. 

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ENTERTAINMENT

LOCAL THEATER PRESENTS "CATS"

By Dark999Moon

Yes, the once popular Musical is back in Town and this time with a new twist. The show, which ran last night, has only three actors and is not really in a theater. Instead it will be shown in the alleyway behind the Streets of Seattle Building. The hopeful actors will try to recover from the concussions given to them by all the items thrown at them from the SOS employees so as to put on the show again tonight. No tickets are necessary to view this interesting show, but the actors ask that donations of food or food like objects be thrown or given to the actors.

An interview with one of the actors, who would like to remain nameless for safety reasons, proved very insightful. He told this SOS reporter, "Yah, me and a few of my buddies found part of a script in a dumpster. We hope that it is for Cats, since none of us has ever seen it before. Please let me up now, you am hurting me."

This SOS reporter will definitely be there tonight and as long as the show runs, selling random bits of soggy paper and shattered plastic to throw: $1 a cup.

OLD FAVORITE CULT SERIES THE GONG SHOW RETURNS WITH LATIN FLAVOR!

By Weirdarchive

Perhaps it was inevitable that old shows would come back as new hits 12 years after the Pulse and the emergence of limited martial law knocked the Hollywood Community for a loop. With film vaults containing such old favorites like ALL IN THE FAMILY, M*A*S*H, KNIGHT RIDER, and MARRIED...WITH CHILDREN becoming dated and worn out, new television moguls from Canada and the Latin Community are bring back such fare as the sci fi series SLIDERS and STEPHEN KING'S GOLDEN YEARS, soap operas THE EDGE OF NIGHT and SEARCH FOR TOMORROW, reality programs like COPS and PEOPLE'S COURT (with a few notable changes like a military judge), and coming soon...THE GONG SHOW! That's right. The bane of many television critics of the time is making a comeback and this time, it's Latino, Baby!

Since 2005 when the Latin American Television Association was formed to create and distribute hit series with a Latin flavor and background, many of the creations of the late great game show producer Chuck Barris has been translated successfully into the huge television market of Central and South America as well as the Caribbean powers of Cuba and the Hispanola Republic (comprising of Haiti and the Dominican Republic). The most notable of these revivals is the old bad talent comedy amateur hour THE GONG SHOW, now playing its tenth season since 2011 in most of the Latin market, Europe, Japan, India, and the Hong Kong Independent Trade Zone. Its colorful collection of semi-professional talent and completely insane hacks has brought some well-deserved cheer in such hot spots as the A.B.C. (Argentina-Bolivia-Chile) War and the UN Middle East Trusteeship Territory.

Led by the host Arnie Rojo, the style of the series tends to change from episode to episode and sometimes even from minute to minute. One time, the surviving members of BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER showed up doing a skit from THE HONEYMOONERS and within the next minute, the acid techno mariachi band Loco Lobos was doing the theme from 'Peter Gunn' with accompanying dancers. While some of the original series characters like Gene-Gene The Dancing Machine and the Unknown Comic have been revived by their Latin counterparts, most of the show is very original...and at times bizarre even by Latin variety show standards. The rules are still the same.: a panel of three judges gives a performer two minutes or so to do their schtick. If the act manages to impress them, they're scored by talent, originality, and utter guts with the winner receiving a cheap glided trophy and a check equal to the standard rate of a day's work in the Screen Actors Guild. If it doesn't move the judges or if the audience is about to storm the stage....GONG! and the act is escorted away. Like the original show, sometimes there is no winner and Arnie has to pull a special act to keep order, usually an up and coming talent like the newest singing sensation from Japan Aeon. While the first version of THE GONG SHOW didn't give many big breaks to its talent, some of the hottest acts in Europe, Asia, and Latin America have done the revived show as either the winning talent or on tour on behalf of their growing fan base.

While details on how the revived American version are still being ironed out, it's confirmed that Arnie (fluent in English and Japanese as well as Spanish) will be the host for the English version and that the winning prize will be more tuned to the present economic climate. Most of the talent, whether they're gonged or not, will receive a ration card and a free lunch. The winning talent will be given an unspecified amount of cash and enough barter material equal to $250 in post-Pulse currency. It's not known if there will be casting calls for the new Gene-Gene or Unknown Comic, but talent searches for the new band are under way. A special number for anyone willing to go the distance on the new GONG SHOW will be posted in newspapers and television within several weeks.

REMAKE OF DARK ANGEL

FOX announces remake of "Dark Angel" to be aired in the fall of 2021 The remake of this old pre-pulse hit will star Molly Dims as the Bimbo and George Clooney as Captain Don.

MOVIE LISTINGS

By WEIRDARCHIVES

TOUCH AND FEELING, 2005, starring Jennifer Connelly, Kate Winslet, Naomi Watts, and Josh Hartnett. Written and directed by David Lynch. Unrated. There's a lot to be said about the late David Lynch and his work. Bold, daring, original to some...boring, incoherent, inane to others. Still, you can't fault him for trying to make his vision public even when he should've given up on Hollywood after his opus TWIN PEAKS was cancelled. This story deals with a young innocent Kansas girl (Winslet) who, for some unfathomable reason, dreams about a seductive woman (Connelly) wearing only jet-black liquid latex. The dreams become increasingly erotic and terrifying, freaking out her sister (Watts) and her boyfriend (Hartnett) and slowly turns the chaste virgin into something of a sex freak as she becomes a porn star in Denver during an attempt to decipher the nightmares and end the madness...which only gets even more bizarre as the Latex Lady (as some fans of this film have dubbed Connelly's character) reveals herself in due time. Some critics hailed this as Lynch's most uncompromising picture in his career. Others, thankfully, regard it as simple softcore porn gone terribly wrong. While Connelly's appearance in this film is mainly due to her passion for unique roles and her love of the Indie Film which never wavered even after her Oscar win and Watts was a fan of Lynch's, it's baffling that Winslet and Hartnett took roles in this senseless example of kinky eroticism and self fulfilling prophesy that Lynch was trying to express and ultimately failed in the end. Some of his apologists have tried to suggest the Winslet character was symbolic to the late shock rocker Marilyn Manson who appeared in LOST HIGHWAY and was a friend to the director, but most film historians figured Lynch just "needed to get laid more often" as one critic suggested in his scathing review of the picture. This is for Lynch's fans and those who have a thing for starlets in liquid latex. Contains nudity, adult language, strong sensuality, and bizarre homoerotic acts involving liquid latex and bondage. Parents Strongly Cautioned.

LOUISIANA CRAWFISH BLUES, 2004, Starring Denzel Washington, Russell Crowe, Jim Broadbent, and Marisa Tomei. Written by Russell Crowe and directed by Ron Howard. Rated PG-13. Despite the title implies, this is not about the South or New Orleans or even North America in general. This is about an American expatriate and professional thief named William "Slick Willie" James (Washington) who had retired from the game early on and settled in Australia to enjoy the quiet life and the love of his wife Chloe (Tomei). Alas, William's dreams of going legit as a chef (hence the crawfish reference) are torn asunder by a mysterious Scottish billionaire (Broadbent) who wants him to do one more job: 'steal' his wayward son-in-law Barnes (Crowe in one of his funniest roles to date) and try to have him reconcile with his estranged wife Maxine (Kate Beckinsale) before the divorce is final. As this crime comedy unfolds, William and Barnes suddenly realize they have a lot more in common than just a simple case of kidnapping...especially when Chloe seems to be showing up at inconvenient moments like when Maxine tried to seduce William into giving up the job for a night of uninhibited sex and a cool $5 million. Washington, Crowe, and Howard had been friends for a long time and were eager to do a project together for some time. After dealing with serious drama like TRAINING DAY and A BEAUTIFUL MIND, they were in a mood for a few laughs. The comedy tends to be forced at times and you really wonder if the Washington/Tomei romance could be believable, but Crowe does a good job and the cast had fun doing the picture, which translated well in their performances. While critics panned this as another formula buddy picture, the fans flocked to it and gave their approval at the box office and in the record nine wins at the MTV Movie Awards. It's not like the heady prestige projects that got these gentlemen a total of seven Oscars in their combined careers, but even the best thespian needs to unwind. Contains strong language, some comedic violence, some comedic sexual situations, and a scene of animal endangerment. Parental guidance is suggested for up to 13 year olds.

KNOWING ANNE, 2005, Starring Halle Berry, Minnie Driver, Cameron Diaz, and Greg Kinnear. Directed by Spike Jonze. NC-17. Halle Berry, in her later years as a three time Oscar winning actress and film producer, was never shy about taking risks like her graphic sex scene with Billy Bob Thornton in MONSTER'S BALL or doing roles that weren't necessarily ideal like her stint as a Bond girl in DIE ANOTHER DAY or tackling subjects and material that some thought impossible for her to do such as co-producing (and one insistence starring in) three of the MY EYES GO GRAY Asian horror films. In KNOWING ANNE, she deals with then taboo subject of black homosexuality as she plays a lesbian courting a shy and very hetero English woman Anne (Driver) who found out her boyfriend (Kinnear) had been fooling around with another woman (Diaz) who in turn had a relationship with Berry's character. The love triangle act gets old rather quickly and you sometimes wonder if Berry (who also produced this film) did this project just to shatter some more misconceptions about herself like whether she didn't want to do lesbian love scenes that bordered on porn, but she does play the role of a lonely woman wanting to have love who just happens to be gay without making a political statement. Driver didn't mind sharing nude scenes and a bed (and a shower...and a closet) with Berry either and their passion had raised some questions and eyebrows in gossip forums if they really had a tryst during the shooting. Diaz quickly recanted her vow never to do love scenes on film when she broke up with her boyfriend Jared Leto, which would explain why she's naked for a good part of the picture. Critically, it's a mixed bag and the box office was lukewarm, but this film has had a cult following in Europe and Japan with weekend screenings playing in India for the tenth year in a row! Ms. Berry showed the world she didn't rest on her laurels. She grew new ones at every turn. Contains very strong sexual situations, nudity, mild violent acts, homophobia, and a couple glimpses of female and male genitalia. Parents Strongly Cautioned.

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BIG JIM'S COMPUTER-PORIUM!

We've got computers, computer components, computer accessories, and computer parts! Modems, scanners, monitors, hard drives, keyboards, mice, you name it, we've got it!

Do they work? Heck, no! But in today's world, what does? Besides, who can afford the electricity?

Go wild! Get inspired! Build a fish tanks, furniture, artwork, even a house! This is top-quality plastic and metal just waiting for your creative touch!

So run on down to

BIG JIM'S COMPUTER-PORIUM

Located on the north side of the alley between 6th and Macdougal, look for the blue shower curtain.

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FEATURES

SPRUCING UP YOUR HOUSE FOR SPRING

By SK194

Well, it is that time of year again! No, it isn't Christmas. Or Halloween. You guys, it is spring! So now we get to clean, yay! Sprucing up your house for spring is a time-honored tradition, I think, and it is even more important in these dirty times. So lets get sprucing!

Flowers are a springtime classic. Many of us could probably buy flowers, but a cheaper alternative is to grow your own. Or even better yet, steal some from your neighbor who grows his own. But if the flower shop is sold out, your green thumb turned brown and someone else stole your neighbors flowers before you did, then what can you do? Well the cheapest way to decorate your house for spring is to find a dirt clod and draw on your walls with it.

Another thing commonly seen in the spring is Easter paraphernalia. Stuffed animal rabbits and little chirping chicks are a favorite, and you can spread them decoratively throughout your home. You can make rabbit puppets out of socks, and hang them on your walls if you want a cheap way to do it. However, you may have a hard time getting the kids to leave your decorations alone!

For the person willing to spend more money on their spring decorating, I've heard that every few weeks an artwork courtesy of Logan Cale's collection goes on sale. Of course, these are much more money than most of us are willing to spend. Then again, it wouldn't go well in a cardboard condo anyway.

Of course, before you do all of this sprucing, you'll have to clean up all the trash you were using to keep warm with all winter. A really fun way to do this would be to simply shovel it out the door and leave it there. Eventually your neighbors will get so tired of the smell they will move it for you. To thank your neighbors for cleaning up after you, you can offer them the Yak Slime jellybeans you have made and put out on a table, for everyone to take some. The jellybeans are the perfect way to complete your new springtime home!

A PEEP AT PEEPS

By Darkfan4

With Easter fast approaching, this reporter decided to look into the mystery surrounding Peeps. The brightly colored, sickeningly sweet, bird-shaped candies have been in constant production since long before the Pulse. That fact is what piqued our interest. Nothing has been in constant production since before the Pulse. Availability of basic food ingredients fluctuates daily, as we are all aware, and even the most popular candies are sometimes unavailable. So why are Peeps the exception?

We took a number of different Peeps to a lab to be tested, and got the answer. Peeps are made of sugar, lots of sugar, lots and lots of sugar. Lots and lots of sugar mixed with whatever else seemed to be handy. Various samples found marshmallow fluff, Styrofoam, egg whites, sawdust, lint, foam insulation, animal by-products, chewing gum, ancient Kool-Whip, yak slime, and artificial snow. Coloring agents ranged from food dye to clothing dye to spray paint.

The question then became, how did the Peeps manufacturers always manage to get enough sugar to disguise their unsavory additions? The current owners refused to comment. I attempted to find the answer, but while following a hot tip was unable to procure any food for 24 hours and had to eat all of the sample Peeps. By the time I got out of the hospital it was too late to do any more research by deadline.

WEEKEND GETAWAYS WITHOUT A SECTOR PASS

By Daf9

Neither the price of gas

Nor a sector pass?

You're second class!

(Alas).

Once you quit moaning about the "good old days" when travel across the city and even the country was virtually unrestricted, what do you do when you need to get away for the weekend and haven't got a Sector Pass? A straw poll taken in the SOS reporters lounge provided the following suggestions.

1. Redecorate your cardboard condo. This can generally be done by taking a short trip to the nearest dumpster. You might even decide to just relocate to the dumpster temporarily. Saves the bother of moving the stuff.

2. Two words: recreational pharmacology. For details go the library and listen closely to a pre-Pulse recording of the Beatles "Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds". Be careful not to overdo it though, or your weekend getaway could turn into something more long term.

3. Head down to the docks and dive off the pier. If you squint just right at some of the discarded junk it almost looks like coral. Works even better if you try suggestion 2 first. In no time at all you'll be convinced you're deep sea diving off the Barbados. Complete with exotic creatures.

4. Go to the 49 Club. Lines are so long it'll take you the entire weekend just to be turned away at the door.

If you're really determined to leave Seattle even without a Sector Pass there's one other possibility. There is an employee named Alec at Jam Pony who has been known to "lend" his sector pass to anyone who will agree to do a few deliveries for him.

WHAT TO DYE WHEN YOU DON'T HAVE EGGS

By Logans_Babe

At a reporting convention at SOS over the weekend one of the topics was tips and ideas for springtime fun. Of course the SOS team came up with some radical ideas that centered around Easter. The main question was what to dye when you don't have eggs. At this point in time, no one but the rich want to waste perfectly good eggs on decorating and coloring when they could be eating them. So the SOS reporters came up with a few ideas to help out for this Easter.

Coloring cardboard cut outs of eggs is one solution. Just "borrow" your neighbor's condo and cut out some shapes. If money is in tight supply and you can't afford dyes, check the alleys for different colored puddles. If you are lucky you will be able to obtain some nice varieties of reds and yellows near bodies and trashcans. The dyes may smell, but at least you'll get some...pretty...colors.

Your neighbor still guarding his condo from the last time you tried to decorate? Don't worry, just grab his cat. Or you can go around the city and claim to be from the animal control center. The more cats you collect the better. This time they are your substitutes for the eggs. Use the same dye, or if you have found a better substitute for urine and blood then use that. Using cats as you "eggs" will definitely challenge your youngsters and get them out of your hair. Just send them off looking for the "eggs". It will take them all day because the cats will never stay in the place that you hid them.

If all else fails you can always use the betting stubs from the "Monty Cora" fight in which you lost everything.

Good luck and Happy Easter from all of the SOS staff.

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JUST IN TIME FOR EASTER

Eggs, chicks, rabbits, lambs, and ducks! And these almost normal creatures are going fast, so hurry up and buy yours today! Delight your kiddies, amaze your friends, eat real meat!

Located just three alleys from the Toxic Waste Dump in sector 3, the third sewer on your right.

(I am not responsible for any illnesses or injuries that you might suffer)

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SOS COMPANY NEWS

ANOTHER SCANDAL ROCKS SOS

By DAF9

And for once it DOESN'T involve our Mail Girl, CFO and Management Goddess LOGANS_BABE. No, this time it involves our very own reporter DTM and one of our major advertisers and local business mavens, Captain Don.

Just last week the following e-mail was sent to Captain Don here at the SOS offices in error.

Dear Captain Don

This is Jack from Taiwan

DTM was the dentist

Of those teenage girls that you sent us

They're toothless, you conniving old con!

Naturally we were curious as to what it was all about. And since it was a slow news week (except for the CDC scare) we decided to look into it. Particularly since Captain Don made threats both to this reporter and to another SOS reporter if this story was revealed.

Turns out that Captain Don has been kidnapping Seattle teenagers and sending them to various localities in Asia to "entertain" aging businessmen. Where does DTM fit in? Well most of our readers will remember the rumors that went around several months ago that DTM was moonlighting as a dentist and that in that occupation he was exhibiting what some might call an unhealthy fascination with teeth, even for a dentist. It would appear from Jack's e-mail that DTM was either hired or coerced into providing dental care for at least some of these teenage girls prior to their foreign assignments. DTM must have decided that the teeth could be better cared for here in Seattle than by sending them abroad with their owners.

We had hoped to have more details for you after interviewing Jack but unfortunately the local Taiwanese police have informed us that Jack has mysteriously disappeared. He was last seen in the company of a mysterious gentleman named "Dickie". We have also been unable to find DTM. If you have any information concerning the whereabouts of either of these men please contact DAF9 here at SOS.

CHANGE OF ADDRESS FORM

**Change of Address Form for The Streets Of Seattle**

(Note only can be used by subscribers to the paper)

((Note only can be used by those who can write))

You--

What name(s) might we know you by?

...................................................................

Are you the person who is stealing my papers every morning? (circle one)

*yes* *maybe* *no*

Old Address--

Was your old address a: (circle one)

*Cardboard Condo* *Blanket* *House* *Apartment* *Warehouse* *Sewer*

Other........................

What was the nearest well-known building to your old address?

...........................

How many alleys away? ........... In which direction? ...............

What was the color of your old address? .....................

New Address--

Is your new a: (circle one)

*Cardboard Condo* *Blanket* *House* *Apartment* *Warehouse* *Sewer*

Other..................

What is the nearest well-known building to your new address?

.............................

How many alleys away? ............ In which direction? ..............

What is the color of your new address? .........................

Please return this form, if you complete it, to The Streets Of Seattle.

And if you are stealing my papers, please stand outside the building wearing a red shirt wearing a sign that says "Kill Me." Thank you.

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CLASSIFIEDS

FOR SALE: pure breed dogs! Yes these dogs have nothing but dog in them! Good pets/guards and taste GREAT! Contact me at the corner of Dismal and Dreary -- we will make a deal. Bring food or money!

WANTED: Investors for an incredible opportunity. Our secret laboratories desperately need funds to build a giant aquarium in which to house our almost perfected snake-whale chimera. At today's prices for snakeskin you will be able to quadruple your money in no time.

Wanted: Buff construction worker for large office complex project. Requirements -Experience with levels, scaffold, basic plumbing, structural steel. Must provide own transportation, chainsaw, and leveling square. Mike @: 899-5457

For Sale: One coffin. Slightly used. Leave message at SOS main office.

Wanted: One Potato. No Questions ask. Bring it to the pier.

PETS OR MEAT: Captain Don's Pier side "Butcher & Pet Shop" is having a sale on fresh healthy Puppies. These little sweeties make great pets or a great meal. First come First served.

MONEY MONEY MONEY! I will buy your troubled teenage daughter!  Yes Captain Don will raise your troubled child and give you money TO!!! It's a win win for you!  Just bring your teenage daughter and any legal paper work to Captain Don.  We have cash, food, teeth, medicine, soap, clothing, and much more at Captain Don's by the pier, your one stop shop for ALL your family's needs.

WANTED: I will pay CASH MONEY US or EURO for info on the "EYES-ONLY" Group. Bring me one or more of the "EYES-ONLY" group dead or alive and you will never need money again! Thanks, Captain Don.

For Sale: junk DNA All colors, sizes, and species! Using our specially patented extraction process we here at Vivadyne Laboratories have learned to remove junk DNA, leaving behind only the good protein-making bits. Unfortunately none of our "experimental subjects" have survived, suggesting this so-called junk DNA is really important for something. Hence we're selling it. Prices vary with sequence. Ask for Robbie who hangs out just around the corner from the Sector 1 checkpoint for details.

Wanted: Dog spit in large quantities. Contact Dr. Lou at Harbor Lights Hospital.

Wanted: "Garbage man" who is willing to deal with very large...trash. Contact Steph@SOS.com

For sale: Cheap!! Puppies 1/2 golden retriever 1/2 sneaky next door neighbors dog come to Foggle towers to make offer

For sale: rose colored glasses. Have you been seeing a lot of strange things in your neighborhood recently? People who don't look quite right? Accidents from which people get up and walk away when they should have been seriously injured? Buy a pair of rose-colored glasses...and make the world look right again. On sale now at a burning trash bin near you.

WANTED: Fresh human body hair.  We also have a need for large fresh Scabs, toenail clippings, and baby teeth. Cash or Trade, Captain Don

NEEDED. Oxygen tanks (full) and a small fast boat, reasonable rates paid, no questions asked.

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