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STREETS OF SEATTLE

EDITION 47, 2020

To our readers: The stories appearing in today's STREETS OF SEATTLE have been cleared by the U.S. Army under the provisions of the Martial Law Declaration of 2009 and the National Emergency Declaration of 2010.

Editor-in-Chief: Jennem1

Senior Editor: DAF9

Chief Reporter: WeirdArchive

Chief Contributing Reporter: Dark999Moon

Chief Financial Officer/Management Goddess: Logans_Babe

Conspiracy Girl: 2ndmouseVV

Contributing Reporter: DCRracing

Contributing Reporter: SK452

Contributing Reporter: Melasand

Contributing Reporter: Sportzgirl16

Contributing Reporter/Editor Emeritus: Samcrazy

Contributing Reporter: Bluebell28

Contributing Reporter: Darkfan4

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LOCAL NEWS

CARDBOARD CONDOS BITE THE DUST

By Samcrazy

As a roving reporter for the Streets of Seattle, I have seen some terrible sights on my travels, but none more horrific than seeing houses burn down through a clumsy mistake. In fact, it happens far more often than the Seattle government makes it out to be, and due to the complete lack of acknowledgement on their behalf hundreds of people all over Seattle find themselves homeless for the summer.

A seemingly harmless flaming bin was on site just before the fire started and there so far has been no official explanation to tell why the bin was present at the time of the accident and so far it does not have any alibi to suggest in fact it had nothing to do with the blaze. Police are hoping that answers will turn up soon,

"We hope that answers will turn up soon" – Second Deputy for the Department of Condo Burnings commented to SOS.

The 'Protection Agency of Cardboard and Rubbish' or PARC has this to say about the disaster,

"It's devastating. Totally devastating, you know? When stuff doesn't go your way, you know? My colleagues here at PARC are all totally…damn, I'm so totally devastated I have no way to describe how they were…"

"Totally…devastated?"

"Oh god yeah, that too. I mean, it's like, you know, like all gone. It like burnt down like a damn piece of…"

"Cardboard?"

"Oh yeah, that's just like what happened."

"Does PARC have any idea who could have placed that burning bin near the condos?"

"We believe it was those trannies. You know, that genetically engineered bunch. They're trying to hit back after that Jam Pony thing."

"By attacking the Seattle Cardboard Condo Community?"

"Yeah, it totally adds up"

Was it angry transgenics who dumped a flaming bin to destroy the condos? Was it a warped form of terrorism? There are many unanswered questions, which the Seattle Police Department has promised to look into, until then we can only wait.

It is too often we see fires caused by burning cardboard condos, and one member of the Streets of Seattle can relate to this tragedy and she spoke to us about her experiences,

"I lost my condo in the fire of '10, yeah, I saw my plastic beauty melt down to the size of a baseball in the heat. Back then we had no cardboard luxuries, but we had the finest plastic linings you'd ever seen. It was a terrible day when someone carelessly dumped two flaming petrol bombs right near our condos, I mean we should all be careful when handling anything on fire, even if it is petrol"

Shocking words from a shocking woman. I mean shocked woman. So there you have it, make the judgment for yourself, should fire be outlawed as an unnecessary risk to cardboard condos? This reporter thinks so.

HOLIDAY FIREWORKS SPARKS CONFLAGRATION
by DAF9

The fireworks display down by the pier last night turned into a major disaster when several cardboard condos took off like Roman candles, showering sparks everywhere and starting fires as far away as Sector 4. Since the Seattle Firefighters' union won the right to have July 4th as a holiday several years ago there was no one available to fight the fires which burned out of control until after midnight.

Although early rumors blamed the fires on the Transgenics currently holed up in Terminal City it now looks like the whole mess was a prank caused by several young teenagers. Lack of security and proper precautions to protect public safety on the part of the anonymous sponsor of the event played a big part in allowing the problem to escalate as it did. Sector police are currently trying to determine who the sponsor was as authorities have indicated that they are considering laying
charges.

CLEAN UP SEATTLE
by Logans Babe

With all the hype about the Transgenics roaming the country, residents of Seattle must ask themselves two questions. One: Where would Transgenics most likely hide? Two: Are those places near you?

The answer to the first question is simple. Transgenics will hide anywhere that "Norms" don't like to be near. That means waste dumps, old buildings, sewers, drains...anywhere.

The second question is not so easy. No one can tell for sure if they have a transgenic living beside them or just down the street. If you are by an abandoned building, or waste site, it is advisable to get a clean up committee rounded up ASAP. Not only will you be helping make the area around you a better place, but you will also be saving the city a lot of money they would have had to spend if they were to have done it themselves. Hopefully this will make the Transgenics seek refuge somewhere that isn't your neighborhood.

As the government has said in several news briefings, they consider Transgenics to be a nation wide security problem. It is possible that the Federal Government will provide programs and agencies to start cleaning up the cities, but it is doubtful. Maybe cleaning up certain areas will help the government in deciding it is time to take the Military States away.

If you have any questions or comments write feedback@sos.com or call us at 1-555-567-5555.

SKETCHY'S STORY
by Sportzgirl

Yesterday afternoon when I was walking home, I ran into a photographer, Sketchy, who claimed that he had watched a transgenic be abducted by the government and taken away. He claimed that he got pictures of the capture but they did not develop. When I asked him if he knew why they did not get developed, he just shook his head and replied, "As soon as I got back from taking the pictures I hooked up with Max and Original Cindy. Then that afternoon I took the film in ...Then the government people kidnapped me. I told them that I just saw a guy in a Halloween mask and they let me go. ..."

When I asked him about the government people who "kidnapped" him, he went on talking about how there is some huge conspiracy and he's going to figure it out. Too bad he just kept on talking and didn't really answer my questions. I did get some interesting information out of him though. "Of course I was scared of being attacked by the transgenics when I first found out about them, but that was before I knew that Max and Alec were transgenics too. They are good people and just trying to make a living like me. Besides, when I was held hostage at JamPony, the transgenics could have done practically anything to us, but they kept us safe. They are just trying to defend themselves."

After the interview I couldn't help but speculate what happened to those pictures. It seems to me that either the government is trying to cover up that the transgenics exist or the transgenics have a strong loyalty to their own kind. If someone can actually get past the fact that most of the transgenics look different and are different, then maybe it would not be so bad to have them here. After all, it seems like anyone who knows a transgenic doesn't seem to care that they are here. They seem to be like everyone else, they are just trying to survive.

INTERVIEW WITH REAGAN RONALD

By Melasand

An Interview with Reagan Ronald who delivered a transgenic baby

I caught up with Reagan Ronald outside the offices of the Jam Pony messenger office the location of the recent transgenic siege. Normal (as he is know by his co-workers) actually delivered a transgenic baby while being held hostage by them.

Q Mr. Ronald or may I call you Normal I wonder if I could have a few words with you about the siege and the baby you delivered?
A Mr. Ronald will do just fine,
Q Okay Mr. Ronald could you tell me when you were first aware of the transgenics in the Jam Pony office?
A Well the first we all knew was when my boy A..., a pregnant woman and a younger boy were dragged in at gunpoint by that mutant that killed the blind girl and some lizard looking guy.
Q That must have been very frightening for you all.
A Yeah well I would not say I was frightened, they all tried to get out through the back but were forced back in by the cops. I pulled a gun on them to protect my boy but the next thing I knew he took it away from me. Turned out were all transgenics.
Q That must have made you feel really bad someone you obviously trusted had tricked and lied to you?
A Well yeah I did feel betrayed at that point.
Q So can you tell us what happened next?
A Well the police surrounded Jam Pony, and suddenly we were all hostages, turned out there were some more transgenics in the building. Them and their friends, M. even came in through the window rideing on a hoverdrone of all things. I always had my suspicions about that girl. I always thought they would be dangerous but it seemed more like they were nervous than anything. I guess we all were.
Q Well this is really interesting can you tell us a bit about the one that gave birth.
A Well it was pretty obvious that G. was very close to giving birth, in fact she said that the baby had been due a week ago. OC was trying to help her and I got pretty mad thinking she was one of them too. She's not, just a really good friend to M. and the others. In fact you know when I think about it M. has been a pretty good friend to a lot of people in Jam Pony. She even did some small thing to help me out on one occasion.
Q So can you tell me what happened next?
A Well we thought it would all be over pretty soon. M got transport away from Jam Pony arranged for them and we were told half of us would be released. I was used as one of the human shields to protect them from the cops. It looked like all would
be well when suddenly this guy L.... yells out from the crowd that there were snipers. He leapt out of the crowd and onto the roof of a car with a gun in his hand and all he!! broke lose. There were bullets flying around us, we all piled back into Jam Pony but not before CC was hit. We were all horrified I mean CC was one of them but no one knew that, they could have shot anyone of us, as far as those cops knew she was just one more body. It was when we were all back inside we realized CC was dead. It kind of hit us all hard; a person we knew was dead.
Q So your saying that they just shot at you all?
A Well yeah I guess they did.
Q So you were all back inside the building again, what happened next?
A Well things got pretty tense after that, I thought that, that idiot S. was going to get shot but M. and L.... managed to get everything calmed down. Everyone was pretty edgy then, and started arguing but in the end they all calmed down. That was when I noticed OC was with the pregnant girl G. doing everything wrong, in the end I just had to go over and put them straight. I made G. relax and breath and then I examined her, she was fully dilated. Of course OC wanted to know how I knew about pregnant women. I told her my Dad had a dairy farm, of course I know, if I know my way round a heifer I could help a pregnant woman. I certainly knew more about delivering a baby than them.
Q So while you were held a gunpoint by these transgenics possibly in fear for your life you actually helped one of them?
A Well yeah, she was a pregnant woman someone had to do something, I looked after her she was in a lot of pain from the labor, well any woman would have been. Suddenly M. told us all to go upstairs, J. carried G. and the rest of us got up
 there fast. They took G. behind a desk in what was once an office and OC the young male transgenic and I stayed with her M. told us to look after her. We tried to keep her quiet but she was in a lot of pain from the labor and it was hard for her. OC held onto her hand when these cops came in and looked round. They were so quiet they seemed to come out of nowhere. OC gave G. some cloth to bite down on but she was still whimpering in pain. It must have been really hard for her not to cry out. That's when the transgenics sstruck; those cops were tough though, like they were amped up on something.
Q So you are saying you had to supervise a labor and delivery in the middle of a fight?
A Yeah that's right. The fight spilled over into our room when someone broke a window. We had to ignore that though. I examined G again and told her now was the time to push hard and bear down. A cop flew in through the window but I had
to concentrate on G and her unborn child. I told her to continue to bear down and keep pushing. I told her one more big push and I could see the baby's head, then as the fight was over she was born. The First thing G. did was check the baby for birthmarks, they were very interested in her head and neck, but there were no marks. M. and the others stripped the cops and they and some of the JamPony people dressed as cops left and headed out. The rest of us went back downstairs and waited for the siege to be over.
Q So you delivered the child of one of these Monsters.
*Strange look from Mr. Reagan*
A You know that baby was a beautiful bouncing baby girl. Those transgenics are no more monsters than you and me.

With those final words to me Mr. Reagan walked away and started supervising the clean up of Jan Pony.

So there you have it Transgenics Human or Monster it would seem Mr. Ronald would say Human.

WHERE HAVE ALL THE CROWS GONE?
By MELASAND

Where have all the Crows gone?

After the recent addition of the Transgenics to the Terminal City area of our fair city it has been noticed that there has been a marked decline in the Crow population. It seems that some of the Transgenics most notably the X5 series have an avid dislike of crows. Why this is remains a mystery to many but a few people around the Terminal City area can reveal that the X5 Transgenics feel that crows are the bringers of bad luck for them and have been actively destroying any that they see. The resulting dead bodies seem to be turning up at various landfill sites outside the city.

This activity on the part of the X5's has resulted in some interesting activity by those residents manning the barricades around Terminal City, they are displaying pictures of crows so that the Transgenics can see them. Some people are even flying kites with pictures of crows on them above Terminal city. While it is uncertain what effect this is having on the majority of the Transgenics, it is rumored to be having an effect on the X5's, apparently they are laughing themselves silly, while they may dislike real crows, they are not at all worried by pictures or kites. However many residents of Seattle have latched onto this idea and pictures of crows seem to be springing up all over the place. The feeling is crows keep Transgenics away, especially when they are flown on kites. While this is not true of course, it is helping to channel some of the negative feelings about the transgenics and bringing out artistic ability in some of our resident, it is also helping to brighten up the skyline of Seattle as the kites take to the skies.

Meanwhile while the crow population is dwindling (unlike the kite population) this might not be a bad thing, after all some birds do spread diseases, after feeding on garbage. So it may well be that in some ways having the Transgenics in Terminal city is a good thing.

WOMAN CLEARED OF ATTEMPTED HOMOCIDE

by DAF9

A middle-aged woman on trial for nearly bludgeoning her husband to death with an old pre-pulse VCR was found not guilty today. After a mere 10 minutes of deliberation the jury returned their verdict, declaring the assault a clear cut case of justifiable attempted homicide. Sector police were called in to escort the husband from the courtroom when the jury attempted to finish off the job.

Jury foreman Patricia Garrett was quoted as saying "If my husband insisted on watching re-runs of that old Fox show "Firefly" over and over again I'd do him in too! As a matter of fact I've heard that it was attempting to stop Firefly re-runs from showing that led to terrorists triggering that EMP in the first place!"

Could it be true?

IS SOS'S DAF9 A TRANSGENIC
By DCRRACING

Hello land lovers it's your voice of truth "Captain Don". As the City Boss man well lets call me a community leader I get to hear all of the latest gossip. Now of course we can't believe all the gossip that comes my way, but for some reason there's one SOS reporter that is a pure target for this gossip and all of it seems to be true! Just in the last two weeks we heard that DAF9 had opened a discount child day care and to entertain the kids she has then playing with 10-pound RATS!!!! Well we at Captain Don's looked into this and printed you a photo of the horrifying conditions!!! But now the BOMB has dropped! There's a rumor going around to DAF9 is a First run Transgenic!!! Now if this is true then DAF9 BE GONE! Pack your bags and your Rats and off to Terminal City you gone! Now I have very little proof [for Now!}, but I challenge DAF9 to take a blood test! And we will print the results right here! Are you there DAF9? The ball is in you court now!!

The Voice Of Truth, Captain Don!

DAF9'S RESPONSE
Please GENTLE READERS- this is OLD news. All DAF9's genetic manipulation was done the old-fashioned way - you know sperm, egg, one Mom, one Dad.

But I think I know where this rumor started. Someone was probably calling me a b***h - and a second person took that to mean I had canine genes. Not what the original speaker intended at all, I'm sure.

Happy to clear this up for you.


DAF9 OPENS -99 CENT DAY CARE CENTER
by DCRRACING

Captain Don Here, well even though Gail [DAF9] and I have not seen eye to eye in the past, I think we should all thank DAF9 for her 99-cent child day care center that she just started last month. You know how some people say you get what you pay for? Well that's a understatement when it comes to the DAF day care center!!! But I hear things are looking up, as DAF is getting some cats.  Poor cats.
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Summer Job Training at Captain Don's
 
AAAAAHHHHOOYY! Land lovers Captain Don's back in town. I've been over in New Japan [formally known as Great Britain] and I've brought all sorts of goodies home with me for the good people of Seattle to enjoy, I will have more on this later. It seems as Iv been away, some of our best teenage hostesses have been placed in there new homes in Asia and there's a great shortage of girls at Captain Don's. With the Hot summer months on the way Captain Don needs any and all teenage girls

13yrs to 17yrs old that are in good health, have at least 90% of there teeth, and dream of living like a queen and seeing the world to come on down to the pier. If your body fits our parameters, and you want to learn a trade that will let you live in a way that most girls only dream of, please come by and fill out a simple waiver and your on your way to FREEDOM! Interviews and dance try-outs will be open 1pm to 2am, just ask for Ice-Pick or Father Sleepy, and live your dreams! Thanks, hope to see you all soon! Captain Don

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NATIONAL NEWS

HORSE AND BIKE THEFT RING SMASHED
by WEIRDARCHIVE

Harking back to those days of the Wild West, the Seattle Sector Police broke up a large theft ring dealing with the most affordable form of transport in Post-Pulse America...horses and bicycles! A raid on an abandoned mansion formerly owned by the late Microsoft founder and CEO Bill Gates revealed the mother lode in stolen merchandise to date.

A two year investigation into a number of thefts from bicycle shops and stables prior to the raid ended with the arrests of 25 members of the Angel Street Crew and 5 mid-level leaders of the Canadian Mafia as well as the recovery of some 10,000 bikes of all shapes and styles (mostly of the mountain and stunt variety) and a herd of horses of both sexes and various breeds numbering in the hundreds. (Exact totals were not available at press time.) The condition of both bikes
and horses were surprisingly well, considering the high Black Market value of a well maintained mountain bike ($300 to $1,000 in Post-Pulse Dollars) and a healthy horse ($10,000 to $25,000, with breeding rates for strong breeds going for $5,000 a stud.).

The raid was carried out without too much blood shed, with special units of Animal Control securing the horses before the felons had a chance to do them harm. A shoot-out occurred at the gates of the abandoned mansion between Sector Police and gang members with only five Sector Cops wounded while ten members of the Angel Street Crew losing their lives. The entire operation lasted only thirty minutes from start to finish with the surrender of the remaining gang members.

Also confiscated in the raid were five heavily armored SUVs, an untold amount of weaponry, a state of the art computer system, and an estimated $4 million in hard currency and precious metals. The Sector Police will contact all the owners of the stolen bikes and horses in due course. There is no word if any leftover bikes and horses will revert to the Sector Police, though some notable officials have called for an auction of some of the more lively horses with racing potential. A press conference about the matter will be forthcoming.

THE HORRIFYING TRUTH OF DOPPLER RADAR
by DAF9

Weathermen the planet over have denied it for years - but the truth has finally been revealed. Weather control exists! Not only exists but has existed for over 50 years. It's called Doppler radar.

Discovered during WWII and first used to "predict" the weather in 1953, it turns out that Doppler radar is actually used to CONTROL the weather.

The proof has been sitting in plain view almost since the beginning.

Go to a 4th of July celebration or any other outdoor event on a day for which rain is "forecast".

What do you see for sale at every other booth? Umbrellas, rain hats and rain ponchos!

It doesn't take a rocket scientist or a meteorologist to see the obvious. Doppler radar causes rain.

IRAN WINS WORLD CUP 4-3 OVER NEW TEXAS
by DCRRACING

For the third time in a row the Extraordinary Iranian football team has won the World cup. Iran played the "New Texas" team in the finals. The New Texas team, formed just 5 years ago after Texas broke away from the USA this was New Texas first time in the finals.............................World News with Captain Don

For all you Fans of Iran Football, Captain Don's has Iranian Shirts, Flags, Cups, Autographed photos and more! Captain Don's is your West Coast World Cup Headquarters.

RIOTS IN ALASKA OVER TRANSGENICS
by WEIRDARCHIVE

Apparently the honeymoon is over for Transgenics in the rogue state known as the Republic of Alaska. According to reports from Japanese television and repeated almost hourly by the Fed-approved US media, anti-Transgenics riots have broken out in the Republic's two largest cities Anchorage and Fairbanks with rumors of additional violent protests occurring in Nome, Juneau, and Noorvik.While the Director of the Department of Law and Order Patricia Meadows has downplayed some of the more hysterical accounts, there has been a few deaths on both sides
in alleged gun battles.

The chaos started at a downtown watering hole called the Stopover, a popular spot in Anchorage. According to some eyewitnesses, a group of disgruntled individuals started harassing a young couple that had just come out of a tattoo parlor. The owner of the parlor, in later testimony, had said he had helped remove the barcodes of a man and woman both in their twenties. He tried to make some small talk, especially about 'Governor' William Hodges pledge to allow sanctuary for all Transgenics without prejudice or threat of expulsion, but didn't get much from the two except for inquiries about any jobs on the Pipeline or the fishing fleet. What happened afterwards is subject to debate, but what is known was that the group taunted the pair for being 'a little too Greenhorn for their own good'. A few retorts were passed and suddenly, the group attacked the couple with pipes and pieces of broken furniture. The couple quickly dispatched their assailants with moves one witness likened 'to Keanu Reeves from THE MATRIX and Bruce Lee from ENTER THE DRAGON'. Unfortunately, the fight soon escalated into a full out war with other alleged Transgenics rushing out from unknown areas and outraged citizens brandishing AK-47s and shotguns.

While the hand-to-hand combat was in the Transgenics favor, a few individuals shot three Transgenics dead. In turn, a 'large albino Werewolf' attacked five gunmen and tore them into shreds. Units of the 'Alaskan Mounties' (the civilian police force of the Republic) were dispatched to restore order and arrest all of the rioters. Unconfirmed reports had the Transgenics escaping custody by 'flying out of the scene like Superman'. Alaskan Mounties were also called in to quell a riot in Fairbanks where a series of Burning X's were lit in an abandoned area of houses where alleged Transgenics have made their home. As of yet, no confirmed causalities have been reported in Fairbanks as the Mounties had locked the region down in a 18 hour curfew.

'Governor' Hodges appeared on Alaskan television, urging his citizens to remain calm and not 'act out on the fear and hate spawned by the very Federal government who made these soldiers under similar circumstances. These Transgenics want to live free and in peace just like us'. Samantha Adjia (nee Britney Spears), Leader of the Nation of Islam Reformed, aired a similar message to her followers and suggested that 'the Soldier of Islam act as a shield to protect our kinsmen from destroying each other. Allah condemns tampering with His earthly creations, but He hates violence inspired by racial hate even more'. Director Meadows has ordered all available units of the Alaskan Mounties to monitor the situation in Anchorage and Fairbanks and to quell any other Transgenic hate-inspired riots throughout the Republic. There's no word if she'll call upon the Royal Canadian Mounted Police for assistance, but Hodges has suggested using them to assist in border patrol should the need arise. As of yet, there's no word from the White House or the Senate Special Committee dealing with alleged Transgenics terrorism.
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4 Sale: Gail Berman's Pickled Head

This is a special order item that was never picked up. There's only one of these! One time Fox TV programming Giant Gail "The Butcher" Berman's head! The Butcher's head is mounted and pickled in a large jar, and she has that "I just cancelled your show look" on her face and a full set of teeth. The history of this head is not well known other than it was mounted and pickled just hours after her execution for kidnapping in 2011. This would make a great gift or wedding present. Stop By Captain Don's and have a look!

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CONSPIRACY GIRL

AH-HA!
By CG-double-oh-nuffin'

For years people mocked the truth, calling it the simple-minded ramblings of the lunatic population. But now, now they know the truth! Obviously those who created the evil elves continued on to create the transgenics. Obviously the transgenics are secondary projects that hadn't had the gene for indepence taken out of them yet!

But still...while these transgenics are out in the open now, it does not mean that all is known! The truth is still hidden by the manipulative and devious government agents who want to subjugate us!! There is more to the truth than they are letting on.

Yes...I speak of Area 51, so-called site of an alien crash. You and I know that it is merely the base on which the, I suppose we should now call them transgenic, assassins were created. But...only recently have I come into possession of more of the facts of this serpentine conspiracy.

A source of mine, no names, recently came into possession of a folder. This folder contained Highly Classified information. Regarding the REAL alien crash. It was not in New Mexico. Oh no, the perpetraters of this conspiracy were very ingenious...

No, the crash was in Saskatchewan, canada. The exact location in Saskatchewan is not mentioned for some reason, most likely government secrecy. In any case the conspirators knew that they needed that alien DNA. So, through a maze of twisting deceits, these scavengers developed a devious plot. They stole the alien remains and created rumours about a crash in Roswell.

Why, you might say, did they deny it then? Simple, in a complicated sort of way. The conniving schemers needed the DNA for this "Operation Manticore" that created the transgenics. They could not acknowledge the so-called alien crash without admitting their perfidy in daring to meddle with humanity's very core.

So, my friends. If anyone offers to sell you a copy of the Roswell autopsy tape, brush 'em off, cause it ain't real. If, however, someone approaches you with a tape of a Saskatchewan alien autopsy tape...I'll pay good money for a copy!

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FEATURES

THE PROBLEMS WITH FORMING AN ANGRY MOB
By MELASAND

The forming of angry mobs around the terminal city area has been going on for some time now, ever since the general population became aware of the Transgenics living there. While the displaying of flaming crosses on the outskirts of the city can be seen on a daily and nightly basis, no attempt has been made at present by the protesters to enter Terminal city itself. It is probable that the vast majority of the protesters would like to storm the place; their leaders are however at present trying to prevent this.

I spoke to one of these people, (who for reasons of his own would prefer to remain anonymous). He told me that the main problem with entering the area is the toxic chemical spills plus several unidentified biohazards. If at all possible he and the other protest leaders would like to obtain biohazard suits for themselves. (They feel however that their followers would probably not be harmed too much by the toxins. After all the IQ of a mob is not that high to start with, being the IQ of the stupidest member divided by the amount of people in the mob, so any damage done to them it is felt would at worst be only minimal.)

More worrying to the leaders are the flammable chemicals contained in Terminal city, after all the mob would be carrying in burning torches, which could quite easily ignite these chemicals causing untold harm to the city of Seattle itself. They feel that there could be real trouble with the local authorities should they in anyway cause major damage to the city itself. Also there is now the possibilities of weapons being located in Terminal city probably having been imported by the Transgenics in an attempt to protect themselves from the so called normals (apparently their term for you and me). The last thing the leaders want to risk is that they themselves could be harmed in any way. At the moment protest leaders have no intention of entering the city, though several of their followers could be contemplating breaching the barricades and attacking the transgenics. Mob leaders are so far doing their best to discourage their followers from doing more than manning the barricades, at least that is until they are a safe distance away from any explosions or hazardous materials.

Meanwhile the military and the local police are maintaining an uneasy peace of sorts. With the protesters outside and the Transgenics inside tensions are undoubtedly mounting, with it seems, at present both sides waiting for the other to make the first move.

CAPTAIN DON NAMED BUSINESSMAN OF THE YEAR
by MELASAND

Yes folks you read it there first, our own Captain Don has been nominated as business man of the year. He confided this wonderful news to me last night after a chicken dinner, over a few bottles of Raspberry Schnapps, which were a prelude to a very pleasant evening. Captain Dons business's down at the pier have shown steady increased profit over the past years, he has been able to offered employment to many residents of Seattle in his ventures. Ranging from the young women he has rescued from a life on the streets, to the elderly who so often are seen as non-contributing members of society. Captain Don is steadily increasing his business ventures as the time goes on.

Doing especially good business are the Butcher shops. These have a steadily increasing trade as people recognize a reliable source of fresh meat. Only last week Captain Don put in orders for several mincing machines, mince being one of the most popular products he is currently selling.

Everyone knows Captain Don is the man to go to whatever your needs. For a reasonable fee the Captain is prepared to try to find whatever you are looking for, or if you are short of cash barter too is acceptable. Captain Don is ready to help out wherever possible. The Captain is however a man who believes in giving back to his community, just recently he held a fund raising event for the sector police, and last Thanksgiving he provided free food and drink for those unfortunate residents of Seattle who would not otherwise have been able to celebrate. He is also a valued customer of SOS often advertising in our paper.

With Captain Dons increased business we have also seen a dramatic decrease in crime with murders alone dropping from over 100 a year to under 20, as the pier area comes more under his influence.

While unrelated to this story, it has also been noticed that the number of runaways and panhandlers in the pier area have dramatically reduced in the past few months. Also stray animals plus vermin such as rats and mice are much less prevalent now. Which is all good news for our fair city.

So let me ask you all to join in congratulating Captain Don on his award and give him your very best wishes.

HOROSCOPES


Aries (March 21-April 19) Today all your fears will come true: that month old chicken in you fridge has acquired a few maggot friends. No luck in just warming it up for that date tonight. There will be no rain tonight so when you will catch yourself on fire trying to make a meal have a bathtub full of water so you can just jump right in (remember to drop anything still plugged in before entering the tub). Best day to use the stove: any day but today. Lucky numbers: 6,12,67,198.

Taurus  (April 20-May 20)  This is going to be a bad month for you. A very, very bad month. We're so sorry. DUCK! Lucky date: none. Lucky number: none.

Gemini (May 21-June 21) Today you will be feeling like you are wasting your life with petty squabbles. Don't let your significant other not clipping their toes bother you. Big things come to those who wait, even if it is winning a million dollar lawsuit against your significant other for scratching you with his/her toenails and infecting you with that very rare disease. Best day to go to court: 19th. Lucky numbers: 19, 23, 25.

Cancer (June 22-July 23) You're not called the crab for nothing. It's time to sharpen those pincers and get to work. Who knows, maybe you'll find a second career in topiary or pet grooming. Best day to eat chicken: 3rd. Lucky numbers: pi.

Leo (July 24-August 22) It's a good day to iron all those handkerchiefs that have been lying crumpled in the corner. Make sure you wash off all the blood first. When you're finished with work, make time for play. Even a broken swing set is better than no swing set at all. Best day to stop reading horoscopes: 18th. Lucky numbers: 1, 8, 18.

Virgo (August 23-September 22) Call me? Please? Best day to make a phone call: 3rd. Lucky numbers: 55-555-568-1321

Libra (September 23-October 23) Times get unexpectedly better when you find an unexpected amount of cash laying on your doorstep. Don't let the bullet holes in the briefcase scare you; no one will come looking for it. Buy yourself something nice...and don't forget to send some money to your Aunt Regie. Best day to run over a turtle: 3rd. Lucky numbers: 2,6,90,23.

Scorpio (October 24-November 21) This really isn't the best time to buy a house, especially a flammable one. Best day to refill the fire extinguisher: 12th. Lucky numbers: 1-86.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21) Wow, are you going to have a good time this month!  You won't remember it, but believe me it'll be fabulous! Best day to buy a video camera: today. Lucky numbers: 18, 140.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19)  It's a good day to P** someone off. Wish them a nice day. You'd be surprised." Lucky numbers - you don't have any.

Aquarius (January 20-February 17) I'm running out of mental energy at this point.  Just try to have a nice month and if anything interesting happens, let me know so I can say I predicted it. Best day to eat breakfast: every day.  Lucky numbers: to be announced.

Pisces (February 18-March 20) See "Aquarius."

THE LATEST CHILDREN'S GAMES IN SEATTLE
by DarkMoon

Today's children are no longer amused by any old boring pre-pulse game. Today our children need NEW, EXCITING, and, most of all, FREE games to play. Games needing only people to play, such as 'Dare or Die', 'Cops and Freaks', 'Who Stole My House?' and 'Big Brother May I?' are played in our homes and streets today.

Other games need a few accessories to be played correctly. These games, such as 'Touch Mr. Garbon's Really Mean Dog', 'Fun With Mold', 'I Bet You Can't Hit That Bird With This Rock', and 'Put Flaming Bags of Dog Poo outside the SOS Report's Cardboard Condo", are a little more work, but seem to be more fun. Semi-Organized games, such as 'Hit that Rock with this Stick' and 'Hold this Rock While Everyone Tackles You', are also quiet popular. These games involve large groups of children and a few items.

The children of rich parents also have fun games that they like to play such as 'Laugh at the Poor SOS Reporter' and 'Beg Mummy and Daddy for More Toys'. Sometime poor children like to play fun fun games with these rich children like 'Steal All of that Brat's Toys', 'Get All Her Fancy Clothes Muddy', and 'Chase those Richers into Mr. Garbon's Yard and Laugh when His Really Mean Dog Bites Them'.

Yes, in large groups or small, with or without rocks, and rich or poor, today's children have many fun games to play. And if I ever find the little brats who laughed at me or the hoodlums who put that flaming bag of dog poo out there.....


DEAR DR. LOVE

Dear Dr. Love,
I'm dating this guy who has one of those barcodes on the back of his neck. He claims that he's not a transgenic, that he got a tattoo while part of a vampire cult. I'm not sure which is worse. He's hot, so I don't want to dump him. Am I getting myself into trouble?
Dating a Sucker

Dear Dating A Sucker,
Hmm, good question. What have you gotten yourself into? Well, he can't be a Transgenic. I saw one at the JamPony hold up last week and he was all scaly. Did he have any scales or fur? If not I wouldn't worry about it. Apparently there was some type of cult/gang thing forming, but was quickly broken up by a mysterious young woman. Have no fears, I think you and your guy are safe for now. But if he starts to bench press cars, let me know...
Dr. Love

Dear Dr. Love,
I work for this bicycle messenger service and last week I met this new employee Mia. The weird thing is whenever I'm not around her I think she's a ditz but when I am around her I'm convinced I'm in love. What should I do?
Fred

Dear Fred,
Maybe her appearance has something to do with it? Sometimes love is unexplainable. For example, I met this guy a few years back. Hated him. He is sooo stupid and arrogant, but whenever I am with him I feel like I could just hug him till his eyes pop out and his face turns that purply-reddish color... And he is so deliciously cute that I just want chew on his arm and eat him all up. Sometimes we get in those little "love" fights where you say things you don't mean
and you end up taking a spoon, spatula, frying pan, (or whatever is ready at the time) and smacking each other till one of you has to go to the emergency room with fifty-two stitches to the head...sigh Ya, sometimes love is great.
Dr. Love

Dear Dr. Love,
My new husband was fiddling with his wedding ring, as new husbands tend to do. But he fiddled and fiddled until his RING FINGER fell off, and then he calmly re-attached it! He didn't know I was looking...what does this mean?
Sincerely, Married to a Mutant

Dear Married,
People who come apart under stress aren't to be trusted. Start putting "crazy glue" in his oatmeal every morning and I promise you it won't happen again.
DAF9

Dear Doctor Love
I spent a while getting to know this really great guy, that I really like. Yet now some other girl is hitting on him, neither of us knows who she is. Though he has people looking for her. She's been going through his papers, and sending notes to him about things. What should I do?
Slightly upset.

Dear Upset,
The price you pay for falling for a really GREAT guy is that other girls (and old ladies) are always gonna be after him. Get him an outfit like one of those ones that Michael Weatherly wore last year that we all made fun of and you'll have nothing further to worry about.
DAF9

BTW...did you hear the rumor that Capn Don used to be one of the NSync boys?

Dear Dr. Love,
Why is it that whenever I bring a man home, he's gone by the time I wake up?
Sincerely,
Lonely in the AM

Dear Lonely in the AM
Chain him to the bedpost. Works every time.
DAF9

Dear Dr. Love,
I suggested to my girlfriend we try a little role-playing to spice things up. She said OK, we should play "Transgenic-Normal." Then she lifted me in the air with one hand. It was cool and all, but now I'm worried.

Dear Worried,
Don't fret too much. Think of it this way: Last week on an old rerun of Jenny Jones (The Original) they had female body builders on who couldn't find dates because they were so manly. Maybe you intercepted one of those ladies? Or you could have a transgenic on your hands...But you should double check. The first thing you should do is look in her room for any kind of magazines that suggest bodybuilding. Then you need to weigh yourself. If you don't weigh more than 150 lbs, then don't worry she isn't a transgenic. :)
Dr. Love

GUIDE FOR LOCAL NATURE/BIRD WATCHERS
by SK452

With the transgenic threat unnerving many people, cameras and binoculars have been hot commodities at many local retailers. So have guns, but that is not what this story is about. So there. The cameras and binoculars were no doubt purchased with the intention of photographing transgenics and to keep a constant lookout for approaching transgenic monsters.

However, what many people have been discovering is the joy of looking at nature and also birds! Squirrels are a very popular animal to look at, and they are even more popular to photograph. People love them! Several pictures of squirrels taken from right here in Seattle have been showing up in locally distributed nature magazines.

Robins are another favorite. For those unaware, these are the birds with the reddish orange fronts, and the rest of them are brown. To catch a glimpse at elusive creatures such as squirrels and robins, it is suggested that you be outside, and have at least one of your eyes open. Now here is the big thing to look out for. An anonymous tip from an anonymous Jam Pony employee, who wishes to remain anonymous (or maybe his name was just forgotten-whatever), states that there is a creature bird watchers can look for. It has a wingspan of a jet, breathes fire, and has some screeching thing that makes people's heads explode. Evidentially he overheard some other employees chuckling and discussing this, and decided to report of SOS immediately. (This was before the situation Jam Pony experienced by the way.)

At first glance you would just assume this is another example of a transgenic beast, but no. Expert advice has stated that it is more likely a newly evolved animal. Probably an offshoot of a crow that has emerged from Terminal City. Evolved to fend off transgenics, and the mutations happened quickly as they were helped along by the hazardous condition of the area.

Keep your eyes pealed bird watchers! If you see this one, be sure to take a picture. That could be in a Nature magazine for sure!

INTERESTING USES FOR POLICE TAPE
by SK452

Lately there have been more than the usual number of sieges in Seattle. The cops seem to be in a big hurry to get to the next siege when they leave the last one. So big a hurry in fact, that the police tape is not even cleaned up. So what can you do about this? After all, there must be some hidden use for all this left over, yellow plastic strips right? Of course! Try any one of these super nice options:

- Create a makeshift, yellow hula skirt for Hawaiian theme parties! Or you could just wear it any old time if you like to have an interesting sense of style.

- Wallpaper a cardboard condo. Not only is this option amazingly stylish, but with a few layers it will make your walls much more durable. And if you put it on the outside it will provide a certain level of water proof-ness. Will only be a stylish addition for all homes not made of salvaged garbage.

- Hair accessories. Send your little girl off to school in a beautiful black and yellow hair ribbon courtesy of the Seattle Police Department.

- Make a tube top to match your snazzy Hawaiian skirt.

- Put up a bunch of it around your house and take pictures of it. Now you can take the tape down, you may want to save a little of it to show people. When your pictures are developed, show them to your friends and other people you want to impress, telling the amazing tales of when there was a siege at your house. Make sure that you are the hero in all of your stories.

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF TRANSGENICS


Louise Crandell, 63
What do I think of what? What? Transgenics? What's a transgenic? A what? What? You mean like a werewolf? What? Are you one of those tabloid people? What? No, I don't get out much. No, don't have a television. What? What would I think if there were people made in a lab with animal DNA? Young man, I think you should go find yourself a real job.

Bubba, mechanic
I had one of them transgenics working for me. Didn't know it at the time, but the guy could lift a '93 Jeep with one arm. Now you've all scared him off and I gotta hire God knows how many idiots to replace him. What's the big deal? Useful, these transgenics.

Millie, homemaker
Well my next-door neighbor told me that they not only made animal transgenics but PLANT ones as well. I've been out all morning pulling all the flowers out of my garden.

IT'S NOT ALL BAD, FOLKS
by DAF9

Yes I know we're all upset about the horde of transgenics who have taken over Terminal City but it turns out there is an up side to transgenics.

This week University of Washington geneticist Dr. Fred Malkin reported that his laboratory had finally perfected the transgenic broccoli.

Your kids don't like vegetables? No problem. Transgenic broccoli has all the nutrients of regular broccoli but with the taste and texture of chocolate.

"Of course there are kids out there who don't like chocolate either" Dr. Malkin stated "and with them in mind we are currently working on expanding our line of broccoli to include licorice, bubblegum, mud and lead-paint flavors. The entire range of broccoli should hit a vegetable stand near you by fall."
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ENTERTAINMENT

CATS PUT TO SLEEP

By Logans Babe

The Broadway revival of Cats was closed today due to a growing amount of gossip that led police to believe that Transgenics were integrating among the cast and crew members. The theater says they don't know when the they will be opened again, but police say any major theaters in the area will be closed until a certain amount of Transgenics are caught and killed.

LINK BETWEEN TRANSGENICS AND SATANIC CULT UNCOVERED
by DAF9

This week Senator James McKinley, chairman of the Congressional task force on the transgenic threat revealed that months of diligent research he had single-handedly uncovered evidence of a link between the Transgenics and a Satanic cult that has flourished for almost two decades here in Seattle. This cult began innocuously enough with a television show called "Firefly". Firefly replaced a show called "Dark Angel" which curiously enough predicted the existence of transgenics.

Reviewing television viewer statistics from the years 2002 – 2008 indicates that although Firefly was critically panned and unpopular due to a largely successful boycott by fans of Dark Angel, it mysteriously managed to get renewed year after year. Of even greater surprise to the fans of the now defunct Dark Angel, Firefly was NEVER preempted. Not once. By its final season (2007-2008) it was consistently in the top ten shows of the week, even during summer reruns. Despite
this apparent popularity and although a number of fan forums devoted to Firefly sprung up on the
 Internet, not a single real-life fan of this show ever publicly surfaced.

Why, the Senator asked, when Dark Angel was so popular, was it replaced by Firefly? And how could Firefly be so popular when it apparently had not a single fan? Clearly, this was part of a government conspiracy to prevent the premature revelation of the existence of transgenics.

And the link between the Transgenics and Satanism?

Senator MacKinley was reading an old college science textbook and discovered that fireflies contain a protein called "luciferase".  Could the connection between transgenics and Satanism be more obvious?

TV LISTINGS/MOVIES
by WEIRDARCHIVE

MY EYES GO GRAY 5: THE HEART, THE HANDS, THE MIND, 2007, Starring Chow Yun-Fat, Kate Winslet, Jude Law, Denzel Washington, Russell Crowe, and Asia Argento.  Directed by Ang Lee and Norio Tsuruta. Unrated. In the beginning, the creators of the GRAY series had never intended to use material outside of the Asian literature or mythos for cultural reasons. The premise of the most successful Asian horror series was to showcase tales from the Far East to counter the often plot-poor and FX-heavy horror films that were coming out of America and Europe. All that changed when the Gray Committee asked Kate Winslet and Ang Lee, the group of Asian (and later on American and European) writers and directors who established and maintained the GRAY guidelines, to do a film. The director Tsuruta was having problems with the premise of GRAY 5, a set of three interlocking tales supposedly inspired by a film line from Fritz Lang's opus METROPOLIS but was actually based on the Indian deity trio the Trimurti of Brahma, Shiva, and Vishnu. Lee took one look at the script and suggested using a TALES FROM THE CRYPT style of narration. Thus, using a more Western cast and script, the two directors set upon to tell three stories dealing with the Heart (where an adulterous couple [Winslet and Law] plot to kill their spouses only to find out their hearts are literally not into it), the Hands (where a court appointed psychiatrist [Washington] has to bear the burden of an executed strangler's [Yun-Fat] guilt...and his other emotions) and the Mind (where a doctor [Crowe] using an experimental procedure to save a child's life has to deal with Death herself [Argento] within his own subconscious). Most GRAY fans consider Mind to be the best of the three, giving some lukewarm praise for Heart, and dismissing Hands for being more a puffed up version of BODY PARTS. Granted, the fifth GRAY film suffered from too much dependence of the EC Comics material, but the actors do try their best to improve on the script in subtle ways. Argento and Yun-Fat had impressed the Gray Committee enough to garner a return in the Seventh sequel and many do credit Lee's daring suggestion to allow Western influence into the mix. In some ways, this helped broaden the series global appeal...for better and worse. Contains violence, sexual themes, drug use, nudity, and gore. Parents Strongly Cautioned.

THE OLD FARTS CLUB, 2005, starring Carl Lumbly, Lance Henriksen, Morgan Freeman, Vin Diesel, and Eliza Dushku. Written and directed by Spike Lee. PG-13.
Many people know about how Spike Lee used his films to send a political message about the Afro-American experience and how it was being both enhanced and hampered by White America. However, Spike wanted to do a film not unlike MO' BETTER BLUES where the story was less heavy-handed with the politics and more family-friendly. Thus came the story of an elderly jazz pianist (Freeman) hoping to make peace with his estranged son (Lumbly) a conservative Republican running for office and ex-manager (Henriksen) who now runs a blues club before passing on. Naturally, things get complicated as Lumbly's character must deal with his son (Diesel) who is as politically opposite as they come and trying to tell a fresh-faced college senior (Dushku) that she's actually his illegitimate daughter from an one night stand and is about to start out on her singing career with a little help of Freeman's piano. While the plotlines do get tangled up towards the end, you have to give Spike credit for keeping the characters very real (and insisting that Freeman and Dushku do their own singing and piano playing). As far as the film goes, OLD FARTS is as far away from Spike's usual fare, but it's an enjoyable experience and well worth the watch. Contains violence, racial slurs, and brief nudity. Suitable for teens 15 and up.
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CAPTAIN DON'S CHILDREN'S' CLOTHES SALE
 
Captain Don is having a children's clothing sale this week. Captain Don has obtained a shipload of clothing for young boys and girls that was on its way to the Middle East! Well their loss is your gain! These clothes are very well made, and very stylish in a post pulse sort of way. There's only one style but they look great on boys and girls.

Priced too low to print.

Just doing God's Work! Captain Don

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LETTERS TO THE EDITOR

Dear Editor

I read that article about the Transgenics going to Alaska. Don't you realize what they're up to? Hodges is trying to start his own
super-power army so he can take over even more land than he has already. I say we keep them here and beat him at his own game. I'm sure our police and military can keep them properly trained and confined, they're only weapons after all.
Sincerely,
Edna Pinkney

Dear Editor,
Who is this Captain Don person and why does he do such terrible things? My kids are afraid to go outside after dark now. Especially the girls.

Dear Editor
What is this witch-hunt going on against Captain Don? I thought the people of Seattle knew just how lucky they were to have this kind, benevolent person in their midst. Surely after the Sector Police fund raiser and the free flu shots people must realize he is truly a good man. Yet still there are these allegations and accusations. He is truly a saint among men after all look at all the tireless work he does for those teenage girls.

Dear Editor,
What is (censored) up with me (censored) hearing about you (censored) having (censored) transgenics on your (censored) staff? I (censored) was under the (censored) impression that (censored) you didn't (censored) do that (censored) sort of (censored) thing! Please (censored) discontinue all parts of your (censored) paper that are (censored) written by (censored) freaks! I know that all (censored) of us over in (censored) feel the (censored) very (censored) same way! Well, all (censored) of us but (censored) and he is a (censored) freak-lover any (censored) way!
Sincerely,
(censored)
THIS LETTER CENSORED FOR YOUR OWN PROTECTION BY (censored)

Editor's note: WOW! I can see the refrigerator in the reporter's lounge is gonna be overflowing with those magnets containing the [censored] words!

Dear Editor;
Yesterday I used your paper to wrap up my lunch, and the ink got all over my sandwich. I ate it anyway and now I feel kind of funny. Should I be worried?

Editor's Note: You must have eaten the comics section. Today repeat the experiment with the business pages and let us know how you feel tomorrow.
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CLASSIFIED ADS

Wanted: rubber or Latex gloves, medical quality. Unused only. Will pay top dollar. Also buying bleach and Lysol. Or will trade one used car for full-body Latex s&m gear. Interested parties leave contact information under sewer duct lid at Main & 8th.

Will trade painting by exciting new artist for canvases and paints. Any interested parties should ring 01739 457632 and ask for J.

Lost: One gigantic kitten that looks part human... lost near Terminal City...

Found: young girl wandering streets of Seattle. About 16, blonde, 5'4", 110lbs, brown eyes. Cannot identify herself. Can only say "Captain Don" and twitch. Parent or guardian please contact Box 67.

For sale: expired prescription medication. Sedatives, painkillers, tranquilizers, antibiotics, and assorted specifics. Expiration date 2000. Seller takes no responsibility for efficacy.

Visit the Streets of Seattle homepage: http://pages.prodigy.net/jennem

Visit the creative home of Streets of Seattle: http://forums.delphiforums.com/darkangelfans