Warnings: Angst (?), shounen ai (1x2)
By: M.E. (Magnificent Entity)
I don't know when I started doing it, but it's become a habit now, and I doubt if I could stop. It's a survival trait, the only thing that keeps me from breaking to pieces sometimes, from falling down on my knees and crying, giving up. So now I do it all the time, for better or for worse.
It helps me through the day, I guess. Especially when I'm around him, that's when it really helps me. Like last week, when he just glared at me and stomped by when I opened the door for him when he finally came back from the mission he was on.
Quatre tells me that he can't help it, that it's just the way he is, and that I shouldn't let it get me down. But I do anyway, since I can't help but be upset by the fact that he doesn't expect anyone to worry about where the hell he might have been. And I nearly fell apart when he just went past without a word. I would have fallen apart, if I didn't have it to retreat behind. My one defense.
Smile and nod, smile and nod. Maybe the hurting will stop, but it never does.
A couple of nights ago it was even worse. He was up late, working on Wing, and I was in the kitchen of the safe house, worrying, hoping. Hoping to catch a glimpse of him. I knew that he hadn't had supper, so I made an omelette, one of the few things I do know how to make. When he finally came in, I gave the plate to him, and he just stared at it, like he didn't know what to do with it. Then he handed it back to me, and went upstairs.
All I could do is smile. Who, me? Hurt, torn to pieces inside? No, of course not. I'm always happy, always smiling, never sad. Never upset. Never.
I don't drop it anymore, not really. I'm so used to it I do it without thinking, and now I produce mindless chatter to accompany my mindless smiles. And the worst thing is that no one notices, no one can see that I'm not smiling inside. I've gotten so good that I can fool all of them, even Quatre now. I keep hoping that someday I'll get good enough that I'll be able to fool myself into thinking that I'm happy happy happy.
So now it's the first thing I do in the morning, the last thing I do in the evening, and the only thing people ever see of me. The only thing they ever remember.
Smile and nod...
08.11.01
It hides me
Lying to the world
Creating a careful mask
Of undiluted rashness
Protection from pain
From you
And others
Other pains
Don't let the hurt show
Don't let the sadness out
Smile and nod
Make the hurting stop
Make it stop
Please...
Make it stop...
Doesn't reach my eyes
Dead and unseeing
Black holes of nothingness
Flash teeth
Curve lips
Don't let the pain show
Don't let the truth out
Don't let them see...
Chase fears away
Grinning
Babbling
Madness
08.21.01
