The author must note that she originally wrote this a few years ago, so some of the WoT ref's may not be up to date, like Mat and Tuon. I can never remember what happens in which book, so I'll just leave them out of date.
~*~*The Entertainment*~*~
Rand gazed over the assemblage and wondered what to do next. He felt a pinch on his bottom and turned around, startled. The woman we saw at the beginning grinned and winked. He groaned, and Lews Therin hummed.
Mat scratched another note in his little black ledger. There were very few single females left here that he hadn't chatted up yet. He searched the room and easily found one of them. She was a young, noble-looking woman who had her head shaved and inch-long blue fingernails. Mat decided against this one. What kind of girl would /want/ to go bald?!
The noble-looking woman noticed Mat shake his head. She smiled, very flattered. Obviously, his respect for her was so high that he dared not approach her, and his love was so great that he was too shy to even ponder the notion for long. She saw him go talk to another woman and figured that he had resorted to asking others about her. The fact that the only guests he spoke to were women escaped her entirely. She decided to be kind and go over and tell him that he was the one she had chosen to be the companion of her future life. "Oh Matrim, my love, I wish to speak with you...."
Perrin hurried to Rand, eager to escape the one person who scared him more than his darling wife. Somewhere in the crowd, an older Saldaean woman shouted, "Wolf? Ha! You're more like a frightened puppy! Perrin Aybara! I'll teach you to go and marry my daughter! Perrin? Perrin?! Blood and bloody, flaming, goat-kissing, sheep-gutted, milk-drinking ashes!" Perrin shuddered.
He watched a young woman pinch Rand and sighed. Rand just had to stand there, and girls came to him. "Geez, Rand, was this one prophecied, too?"
Rand glared. "Lews Therin, shut up. I don't know who she is." He cocked his head, as if listening, and Perrin heard him whisper. "Perrin, get out my head! Burn you, you mad man!" /Perrin/ was mad??
He coughed into his hand, and his cough souded suspiciously like "look who's talking."
Rand glanced sharply at him. "What was that, Lews Therin?"
Perrin shook his head. "Um, Rand, I think you should do something. The people smell... er, seem to be..."
Rand interrupted, "Yes I must kill them, kill them all! Burn them, break them, seal the breaks, seal the breaks! Aneyli, Thgil ho!"
Perrin continued, but something seemed odd. Wasn't Rand supposed to rant about breaking seals and cry out "Oh Light, Ilyena!" at random points in his dialogue? "Er, I mean, entertain them. They're getting restless and some weird guy in black keeps telling everyone that black is the timeless classic and offering free makeovers if they join the Shadow. Some are so bored that they're starting to accept. I think the crowd is about to go, ah..." he looked pointedly at Rand and twirled his forefinger around his temple.
Suddenly Rand spasmed and just as suddenly recovered himself. "Yes," he said in a slightly odd voice, "I have won! Finally I shall kill Demandred, who is clearly disguised as..." Rand twitched again. "Whew, that was close," he said in his normal voice, "That mad man nearly exposed Demmy! If they knew who he was, what would the poor WoT fans do all day? No more could they work on perfecting their Taimendred or he's-not-Demandred theories. Then they'd focus of Asmo's killer and find out the truth! For the truth is out there." He barked a laugh. "It's so simple, really. But they must never know. No, never know my preciousss they mussst not know. Only we mussst know who it wassss."
Perrin backed away slowly. Perhaps this wasn't such a good idea. Before this, at least his friend has stayed within the correct book series.
He looked at the milling throng of people and saw Faile's mother and shuddered again. "Of course, Rand. I'll make sure they don't find out. Listen, we need to do something."
Rand nodded thoughtfully. "Okay, Lews Therin, I'll do something." He wove saidin and his voice boomed as the room darkened and a beacon of light focused on him and Perrin. "Welcome to the pre-Tarmon Gaidon Randland National Ball!" Cheers punctuated this announcement. Finally, something was happening.
Perrin muttered something about the night sanity forgot, and Rand continued. "My friend and fellow ta'veren, Lews here," he gestured toward Perrin, "told me I need to spice things up a bit. What do you all think?" More cheers followed this.
Rand nodded to himself and said, "The voice in my head whom none of you believe is real has an idea. What, Perrin? He says kill them, must kill, kill all, they must die, die slowly, why can't I die..." Perrin muttered another something here about wishing he could die. "...oh Light I deserve to die, and so on. How does that sound, folks?"
A few audience members clapped uncertainly for the theatrics, but most of them murmured worriedly. Perrin leaned over and whispered something to Rand.
"What? Oh yes, of course. My companion and fellow Two Rivers man, Lews Therin here, thinks that I shouldn't kill you all yet. What do you think of that one?" This brought deafening cheers and applause. "Hmm, well I'm all out of ideas. What do you think?"
Suggestions arose from the audience, many coarser than even Tylin could think of for a confined-to-bed-on-doctor's-orders, 'you be the Whitecloak and I'll be the naughy Novice' Mat.
"Perrin had another idea."
Perrin shrugged and gave up.
"Why don't I let you bloodthirsty people pick a sacrificial victim? The Volcano God demands a sacrifice! If we don't appease the demon, it will destroy us all with one fell stroke!"
Yes, Perrin realized that no volcanoes had ever been mentioned in Randland. Yes, he realized that the people of Randland had no demons in their mythology. No, he no longer cared.
Names and more mutterings floated up from the audience. A group of black-coated men seemed to be shouting something about their M'Hael, while a tall, hook-nosed man in a fanciful coat covered in dragons tried /unsuccessfully/ to quell them. A few of these black-clad men made quiet jokes about his coat compensating for some sort of lack.
Another group of women with ageless faces seemed to be shouting something about some Red Amyrlin who had brought destruction the their Tower.
Rand listened attentively and spoke, "Well, I can't kill Taim or Elaida. Sorry, but it would ruin the surprise for the much anticipated Winter's Heart." He winked suggestively, but the female half audience merely groaned. Typical male with his typical innuendo. Did it never end?
"And what was that Perrin? Padan Fain? Mordeth? Well, okay."
A hideous screech filled the room, even more painful than that which Mat had emitted moments after we left Tuon. Perrin turned and fell to his knees weeping. "Kill them all, must break, Oh Light let me die!"
Rand smiled smugly. Maybe Mat would quit asking him when he planned on going mad, now.
Faile and her mother had spotted Perrin on stage and realized that he had no been by Faile's side for an entire five-minute span. Oh, he would suffer this day.
Rand raised a cool eyebrow (obviously his time trapped in a box, surrounded by Aes Sedai has had lasting effects) at Perrin. "This isn't so bad. You all get to watch a grown man cry and two extremely frightening women descend on him like twin vultures!" The crowd went wild.
They had been entertained.
~*~*The Entertainment*~*~
Rand gazed over the assemblage and wondered what to do next. He felt a pinch on his bottom and turned around, startled. The woman we saw at the beginning grinned and winked. He groaned, and Lews Therin hummed.
Mat scratched another note in his little black ledger. There were very few single females left here that he hadn't chatted up yet. He searched the room and easily found one of them. She was a young, noble-looking woman who had her head shaved and inch-long blue fingernails. Mat decided against this one. What kind of girl would /want/ to go bald?!
The noble-looking woman noticed Mat shake his head. She smiled, very flattered. Obviously, his respect for her was so high that he dared not approach her, and his love was so great that he was too shy to even ponder the notion for long. She saw him go talk to another woman and figured that he had resorted to asking others about her. The fact that the only guests he spoke to were women escaped her entirely. She decided to be kind and go over and tell him that he was the one she had chosen to be the companion of her future life. "Oh Matrim, my love, I wish to speak with you...."
Perrin hurried to Rand, eager to escape the one person who scared him more than his darling wife. Somewhere in the crowd, an older Saldaean woman shouted, "Wolf? Ha! You're more like a frightened puppy! Perrin Aybara! I'll teach you to go and marry my daughter! Perrin? Perrin?! Blood and bloody, flaming, goat-kissing, sheep-gutted, milk-drinking ashes!" Perrin shuddered.
He watched a young woman pinch Rand and sighed. Rand just had to stand there, and girls came to him. "Geez, Rand, was this one prophecied, too?"
Rand glared. "Lews Therin, shut up. I don't know who she is." He cocked his head, as if listening, and Perrin heard him whisper. "Perrin, get out my head! Burn you, you mad man!" /Perrin/ was mad??
He coughed into his hand, and his cough souded suspiciously like "look who's talking."
Rand glanced sharply at him. "What was that, Lews Therin?"
Perrin shook his head. "Um, Rand, I think you should do something. The people smell... er, seem to be..."
Rand interrupted, "Yes I must kill them, kill them all! Burn them, break them, seal the breaks, seal the breaks! Aneyli, Thgil ho!"
Perrin continued, but something seemed odd. Wasn't Rand supposed to rant about breaking seals and cry out "Oh Light, Ilyena!" at random points in his dialogue? "Er, I mean, entertain them. They're getting restless and some weird guy in black keeps telling everyone that black is the timeless classic and offering free makeovers if they join the Shadow. Some are so bored that they're starting to accept. I think the crowd is about to go, ah..." he looked pointedly at Rand and twirled his forefinger around his temple.
Suddenly Rand spasmed and just as suddenly recovered himself. "Yes," he said in a slightly odd voice, "I have won! Finally I shall kill Demandred, who is clearly disguised as..." Rand twitched again. "Whew, that was close," he said in his normal voice, "That mad man nearly exposed Demmy! If they knew who he was, what would the poor WoT fans do all day? No more could they work on perfecting their Taimendred or he's-not-Demandred theories. Then they'd focus of Asmo's killer and find out the truth! For the truth is out there." He barked a laugh. "It's so simple, really. But they must never know. No, never know my preciousss they mussst not know. Only we mussst know who it wassss."
Perrin backed away slowly. Perhaps this wasn't such a good idea. Before this, at least his friend has stayed within the correct book series.
He looked at the milling throng of people and saw Faile's mother and shuddered again. "Of course, Rand. I'll make sure they don't find out. Listen, we need to do something."
Rand nodded thoughtfully. "Okay, Lews Therin, I'll do something." He wove saidin and his voice boomed as the room darkened and a beacon of light focused on him and Perrin. "Welcome to the pre-Tarmon Gaidon Randland National Ball!" Cheers punctuated this announcement. Finally, something was happening.
Perrin muttered something about the night sanity forgot, and Rand continued. "My friend and fellow ta'veren, Lews here," he gestured toward Perrin, "told me I need to spice things up a bit. What do you all think?" More cheers followed this.
Rand nodded to himself and said, "The voice in my head whom none of you believe is real has an idea. What, Perrin? He says kill them, must kill, kill all, they must die, die slowly, why can't I die..." Perrin muttered another something here about wishing he could die. "...oh Light I deserve to die, and so on. How does that sound, folks?"
A few audience members clapped uncertainly for the theatrics, but most of them murmured worriedly. Perrin leaned over and whispered something to Rand.
"What? Oh yes, of course. My companion and fellow Two Rivers man, Lews Therin here, thinks that I shouldn't kill you all yet. What do you think of that one?" This brought deafening cheers and applause. "Hmm, well I'm all out of ideas. What do you think?"
Suggestions arose from the audience, many coarser than even Tylin could think of for a confined-to-bed-on-doctor's-orders, 'you be the Whitecloak and I'll be the naughy Novice' Mat.
"Perrin had another idea."
Perrin shrugged and gave up.
"Why don't I let you bloodthirsty people pick a sacrificial victim? The Volcano God demands a sacrifice! If we don't appease the demon, it will destroy us all with one fell stroke!"
Yes, Perrin realized that no volcanoes had ever been mentioned in Randland. Yes, he realized that the people of Randland had no demons in their mythology. No, he no longer cared.
Names and more mutterings floated up from the audience. A group of black-coated men seemed to be shouting something about their M'Hael, while a tall, hook-nosed man in a fanciful coat covered in dragons tried /unsuccessfully/ to quell them. A few of these black-clad men made quiet jokes about his coat compensating for some sort of lack.
Another group of women with ageless faces seemed to be shouting something about some Red Amyrlin who had brought destruction the their Tower.
Rand listened attentively and spoke, "Well, I can't kill Taim or Elaida. Sorry, but it would ruin the surprise for the much anticipated Winter's Heart." He winked suggestively, but the female half audience merely groaned. Typical male with his typical innuendo. Did it never end?
"And what was that Perrin? Padan Fain? Mordeth? Well, okay."
A hideous screech filled the room, even more painful than that which Mat had emitted moments after we left Tuon. Perrin turned and fell to his knees weeping. "Kill them all, must break, Oh Light let me die!"
Rand smiled smugly. Maybe Mat would quit asking him when he planned on going mad, now.
Faile and her mother had spotted Perrin on stage and realized that he had no been by Faile's side for an entire five-minute span. Oh, he would suffer this day.
Rand raised a cool eyebrow (obviously his time trapped in a box, surrounded by Aes Sedai has had lasting effects) at Perrin. "This isn't so bad. You all get to watch a grown man cry and two extremely frightening women descend on him like twin vultures!" The crowd went wild.
They had been entertained.
