Summary: Basically - offbeat shenanigans when you put together WAAAAY too many fighting games and allow them to compete with each other for a myriad of odd reasons!
Rated PG - PG-13 for mild language (oooh, bad!) and possible uncomfortable situations, if you catch my drift!
Disclaimer: I don't own AAANNNYone in these stories (except, currently, myself, A-Chan, Callie, Charlie and Amy... although they might disagree... they belong to meeeeee...) Everyone else is property of their respective companies and creators...
Tekken VS Battle Arena Toshinden VS King Of Fighters VS Street Fighter VS Darkstalkers:
Tournament Of The OverPopulated : PART 4!!
By A-Chan ^.^
In the Booth:
A-Chan: Welcome everyone to Tournament of the Overpopulated!
Jin: (waves hello while happily munching a ham on rye)
Hwoarang: Man, sandwiches rule..
Julia: Charliiieee do you want to share my sandwich with me?
Charlie: Oh, God, please save me...! (pauses to eat some ice out of his soda cup)
A-Chan: Just for introduction's sake, I'm A-Chan, the host! (snaps her fingers as a big neon sign over her chair starts flashing "2001 Battle of the Bust Winner")
Jin: (sets down his sandwich) I'm Jin Kazama, faithful co-host and dedicated son! (hugs a picture of his mother, Jun)
Hwoarang: He's also a huge dork! I'm Hwoarang, hands down, best looking color commentator and damn charismatic as well, if I don't say so myself!
Jin: Please, don't say so at all.
Callie: Uh. I'm Callie. ... Hi.
Charlie: I'm Charlie, and if anyone who has a jaws of life is out there reading, please help me! (attempts to pry Julia off his arm)
Julia: Oh, Charlie, you're so silly! (laughs) I'm Julia Chang, newest addition to the commentators!
A-Chan: But not for long, because as usual, we have two, not one, but two new additions to our crew! Let's bring 'em out!
Two spotlights lace down from the ceiling to point at opposite corners of the room, revealing the new co-hosts. One is a tall, dark-haired female, who waves enthusiastically, and then walks over to take her seat. It's none other than Amy Silva, another of A-Chan's friends! (Didn't see that coming!) The other is a silver-haired dumbo in a tux -- oh, excuse me! It's Lee ChaoLan, who also takes his seat.
Jin: (groans) Not him! (tugs lightly on A-Chan's sleeve) Anyone but him!
A-Chan: (shrugs meekly) There were no other even remotely cute Tekken guys, and I had to have Amy have a cute co-host...! (turns to Amy) How ya doin' tonight, Amy?
Amy: (nods slightly) Good, good... you..?
A-Chan: Great! Lee?
Lee: (is busy admiring himself in the glass window screen)
Amy: Hey! Dumbass! She's talking to you..
Lee: (rolling his eyes) Be quiet, you pathetic sidekick... I'm the one running the show here.
In the next instant, Lee has been walloped with the photograph of Jin's mom and is face down on the counter.
Jin: I'm here to enforce no one claims supremacy over A-san! I'm a dedicated co-host and... (checks to make sure the photograph is okay, then looks back to Lee) And you can't run anything around here without her permission!
A-Chan: (is smiling brighter than a fluorescent lightbulb) Hee hee hee.. ^_^ So! Shall we move on to our first match?
Hwoarang: Ah, coach, lemme announce it!
A-Chan: Well, okay, but only 'cause I like your little chain today.
Hwoarang: (grins and fingers his chain necklace proudly) Well, thanks! I like it, too.
Lee: (looks at Hwoarang's necklace and open shirt and makes a face) Ugh.. please, button your shirt, the pastiness is killing me..
Hwoarang: (growls) Hey... asshole... are you the designated pretty boy around here? I don't think so.
Lee: I'm clearly much more attractive than you, you little red-haired street rat!
Hwoarang: Listen up, jack-ass, I will stop and drop you quicker than your career in fighting games.
Lee: (laughs) Pardon me but did you just accuse me of being a wash-out?
Hwoarang: I just accused you of being a bigger wash-out than that silver shit you call hair-dye! You wanna make something of it?
Lee: Hey! This is NOT dye! It's natural, you little toe-rag! Besides, you're one to talk! You should be more worried about what people think of your crap-for-dye!
Hwoarang: Well, if that's not dye, I think YOU should be more worried about the fact you've gone completely gray before 30!
Lee, enraged by these insults, gets out of his chair and walks over to Hwoarang, folding his arms.
Lee: Do you want to make something of this, you dirty jerk?
Hwoarang: (stands up and shoves Lee) Maybe I do.
Lee: AGH! It touched me! That's it! Let's go!
At this point, Lee and Hwoarang get into one of the biggest baddest (if not most one-sided) fist fight ever seen in the booth! Lee, after trying a menagerie of punches and receiving back a whole barrage of punishment from Hwoarang, who is most experienced in these kind of fights, can hear Kazuya in his head saying "They won't work; the moves of one who does not believe in his ken." Hwoarang then grabs Lee's arm and twists it in a backwards arm-bar.
Hwoarang: Give up, you little jack-ass, before I tear your @%#$in' arm off!
Lee: (scrunches up his face and attempts to ignore the pain... one second later) Ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow fine fine fine owww leggo leggooo-oh-hooo...!
Hwoarang: (reluctantly lets go, and runs one hand through his hair) Psh. Not worth my time. (all the girls start clapping, and he takes a bow) Thank you, ladies!
Lee: Ugh.. you girls don't know a real.. oof.. man... when you... argh... see one...! (passes out)
Hwoarang: Geez.. I hate analogies, but real man is to Lee ChaoLan as real breasts is to Pamela Lee... (takes the cue card from A-Chan as he sits back down) O-kay! (looks at the card) The first match is one we like to call "The Battle of Britain: Revisited!" We know both these dudes are proud to represent their flag of jolly old England, but who will be waving the white flag after today? In the first corner, he's blue, he's bad-ass, and he plays a mean guitar, but how do you beat a zombie? He is...
Down in the Arena:
A blue spotlight launches to one corner to show a skeleton-like faced blue dude in freaky rock-star clothes, the British flag proudly printed on one pant-leg, who takes a minute to pump out a jammin' riff on his guitar. Well duh, it's--
Back in the Booth:
Hwoarang: Lord Raptor! (plays air guitar) This is gonna be sweet, dude.. I hope he uses the guitar in the match!
Jin: (takes a sip of his coffee) That would take some of the monotony out of it.
Hwoarang: Yup. Well, okay, other corner! Brandishing a mean prowess with his stick... (stops and stifles a laugh)
Jin/Charlie: (both try not to laugh, and have to cover their mouth)
A-Chan/Amy/Julia: Ugh... boys...
Hwoarang: ...(snickers) which he is always beating... (pauses)
Jin: (busts out laughing and has to cover his mouth again)
Hwoarang: ...his opponents with--
Charlie: Hehehe, stop, stop...!
Hwoarang: --he is famed for just swinging his stick around all over the place like a madman!
Jin/Charlie: (both crack up laughing, Jin banging his fist on the counter for mercy and Charlie clapping his hands)
Hwoarang: Please clap yours hands together for the master bater--(coughs and laughs a little) excuse me, master beater!
Down in the Arena:
A now very perturbed English man, leaning on a big red stick (no no not like that you pervert!!) sneers and tightens his bandana, which also brandishes the flag of Great Britain. Oh, poor easy-to-diss..
Back in the Booth:
Hwoarang: Billy Kane!
Jin: (gasping for air) Master... bater... heh... heh..
A-Chan: (actually trying not to laugh, herself) Very cute, Hwoarang..
Hwoarang: Heh, aren't I, though?
Lee: That is dis-gus-ting... please... ring the bell!
Lee once again finds himself hammered in the head, this time by the infamous Mishima School Textbook for Sneaky Excuses.
Jin: Only A-Chan can signify to ring the bell, unless otherwise stated! Request denied! (sips his coffee and opens to Chapter 11: When Bad Tuxes Attack)
A-Chan: Thank you, Jin! (clears her throat) Ring the bell!
Down in the Arena:
Lord Raptor: All roight, you blimey masterbater! Heh.. I'm gonna tear you limb from limb!
Billy Kane: Oi!! I am not a masterbater, you miserable lih'le sloimeball! Let's go to our weapons, eh?
Lord Raptor: That's just fine wit' me, pally!
Both opponents run to opposite corners of the arena, and the spectators get out their binoculars. Lord Raptor climbs into an old WWII style plane, with the British flag imprinted on the side. It is also equipped with a Pioneer stereo system, and twin laser cannons, and also a gatling gun on the back, although he would have to pause piloting to fire it. Billy Kane also has a WWII style plane, in the fashion of the Battle of Britain, and he puts on a pair of goggles and a scarf. His plane has an air-torpedo gun on either wing, and the same gatling gun fashioned on Lord Raptor's plane.
Lord Raptor: Anchors away, baby! Yeeaaahh! (flips on the stereo system and rocks out to death metal)
Billy Kane: That bloody fool... let's start this thing up!
In the next few minutes, both planes have taken to the air. Billy Kane is the first one to take to the offense, pressing a button that fires off a torpedo off the left wing. Lord Raptor does a double take, and quickly dips his plane down. He looks over his shoulder to see Billy Kane's torpedo has missed.
Lord Raptor: Ha! Whot, now, looks like you missed, pally-boy! (turns back around to see his plane coming up fast on the booth, everyone inside screaming)
Back in the Booth:
Hwoarang: No no no turn around turn around!! I'M TOO YOUNG AND GORGEOUS TO DIIIEE!!
Jin: (covering his eyes) AHHHHHHHH!! MOMMMYYYYY!!
Julia/Charlie: (clinging to each other, for once) AHHH!!
Charlie: Man, I could really use some ice!!!!
A-Chan: (hiding behind Jin) HOLY MARY MOTHER OF GOD!! He's coming right for us!!
Lee: (weeping like a woman) Don't let me die a virgin, AHHHHHH!!!
Amy: (takes a hard right hook at Lee) I had to do this at least once before I die....!
Down (or rather, up!) in the Arena:
At the very last second, Lord Raptor pulls up on the controls, sending the plane up completely vertical, and missing the booth by a mere few feet. He then does a loop-the-loop and turn to send himself right side up again, and heading towards Billy. Billy fires off his other gun, and Lord Raptor simultaneously fires off both laser guns. One laser hit is right on, fraying Billy's right wing, and the other veering off into nothingness. However, the torpedo is also successful, smacking one of Lord Raptor's back tail flaps. The plane not only catches fire, but begins to spin in a circle.
Lord Raptor: Bloody 'ell..
Billy Kane: Ha! Now I'm goin' to finish you off!
Lord Raptor: Well, I think not, oi?
Out of nowhere, the fat little blobbie thing that plays Lord Raptor's drums appears from nowhere, and mans the gatling gun! The air is suddenly racked with the sound of flying bullets, most of which connect with the wings and tail flaps of Billy Kane's plane, tearing the fabric to pieces, and eventually, if you'll pardon the term, "banging him one" in the propeller! The plane crashes and burns quicker than a Vanilla Ice CD's sales!
Lord Raptor: Lord Raptor rock on foreveeeeer!! (whips out his guitar and starts to play, as his little blob friend smacks out a beat on the gun)
Back in the Booth:
Everyone is still recovering from the great scare they endured almost being crashed into.
Charlie: Man... I thought I was going to wet myself...
Lee: I did wet myself... will you all excuse me a moment to go change into some clean undies?
Hwoarang: Oh, man, not only is he gray before 30, he's also already in need of adult diapers... Tsk, tsk.
Amy: Well... at least we're all okay...
A-Chan: Amen to that! And hey! We got to see one of the most innovative and exciting fights yet! (grins and nudges Jin) Admit it, you didn't need coffee to stay awake, huh, big guy?
Jin: (shivering like a dry leaf in an autumn wind storm) N-n-n-no.. n-no.. no, I d-didn't...
A-Chan: Aww poor Jin.. you want to break?
Jin: (shakes head rapidly) No.. no no.. no.. I'm a big boy.. I'm not scared... I'm a big boy! (covers his face in his hands)
Callie: Hey... this next match says--
A-Chan: (smacks Callie) You are so insensitive! (hugs Jin) Can't you see Jin needs me right now...?
Callie: ...bitch.
Hwoarang: (checks his script papers) Sweet! Our final match is called "The Royal Rumble!" Is that like the big Pay-Per-View in the WWF? The WWF rules!
Julia: Go figure a grunting, no-good male like you would enjoy watching other grunting, no-good males roll around in a ring spouting badly-scripted shmooze!
A-Chan: Hey, don't insult my writing! Oh.. wait... (goes back to hugging Jin) ...never mind.
Jin: The plane it was.. right towards the booth and it.. (covers his face again)
Charlie: Poor Jin.. well... hey, Julia.. er.. (gives another push with the cro-bar) You want to announce the next match?
Julia: (eyes light up) Ohhhh Charlie! (huggles his arm) I thought you'd never ask!
Charlie: (sighs, and takes the cue card) Okay.. this next match is also known as The Fogey Fumble... ...hee hee hee hee hee..
Julia: (looks over at the card) It is meant as a preview of the Royal Rumble, only it involves two older competitors, but as we all know, with age comes fighting prowess!
Jin: (starting to recollect his wits) Unless you're Heihachi...
A-Chan: That's right, Jin. (pats him on the shoulder)
Julia: So, let's introduce our competitors! First, he's one-hundred and seven years old, but not slowing up in the least! In fact, he's quickening up, using his claws to cut through opponents! He is..
Down in the Arena:
The first opponent stands at a very short height, a strange jester-like cap on, with Chinese attire. His large claw-weapons protrude from his baggy sleeves, and he manages to quietly scare the crap out of everyone in the arena with his froglike features, one eye looking left, and the other looking right. Well, you already know it's...
Back in the Booth:
Julia: Fo of Battle Arena Toshinden!
Amy: Wow... how freakish...
Hwoarang: Or froggish, depending on your level of respect for old fogeys.
Jin: Yes, or lack thereof..
A-Chan: Okay.. Jin you gonna be okay?
Jin: (nods) Hai, arigatou, A-san!
A-Chan: Look at that, he feel so much better he's gone back to speaking Japanese! (claps) Excelente!
Charlie: Okay, lemme announce the other one! The other opponent, with a weakness to whiskey and other types of alcohol is pushing it in years, but definitely not lacking in his fighting sprit! We are proud to introduce...
Down in the Arena:
A short, Chinese man is seen guzzling out of a whiskey bottle. He has a tiny red cap, and red Chinese clothes, complete with the little slippers. As he puts down the whiskey bottle, he cracks his hip into place and then takes up his stance. Well, fry my hide, it's...
Back in the Booth:
Charlie: Wang Jinrei of Tekken 2!
Jin: Wow, too bad Ling Xiaoyu isn't here to see this..
Hwoarang: Yeah, she could see exactly why she always loses her matches - 'cause her fighting style sucked two generations ago!
Julia: Oooh, ouch... (scoffs) I don't like Xiaoyu, anyway... I'm much cuter!
Down in the Arena:
Fo: I may be 107, but I can still kick your ass!
Wang: You want a piece of me, you geezer?!
Fo: That depends; am I going to end up bored?
Wang: Well, I don't know - no one knows more about "Depends" than you!
Fo: Hey... why you farty old.. you're gonna be goin' down, grandpa!
Wang: Heh heh ho ho heh... hey, at least for an old guy, I'm still hip!
Fo: The only "hip" about you is that thing you keep breaking!
At this moment, Wang starts to run in for the first attack, and kicks up his right leg. There is a sick crack, his face contorts, and he falls to the ground.
Wang: My hip.. ooohh..
Fo: Hee hee heh! Toldja!
Fo leaps into the air, and thrusts himself downward, wrenching his arm forward. There is again a crack, Fo crosses his eyes, and falls to the ground holding his elbow.
Fo: Confarnit... my elbow...!
Back in the Booth:
Jin has a disgusted look on his face, as does Hwoarang. A-Chan bites her fingernails, and then stands up and leaves the room. Jin blinks, looking after her.
Jin: Wow, and I thought I was disgusted... A-san had to leave the room...
A second later, however, A-Chan returns, dragging behind her a very large object, at least seven feet high, with something large and the back, and a platform in front. Everyone tilts their head to the side.
A-Chan: Fear not, this match is no threat! (smiles brightly) I thought I should get something to entertain us poor commentators during it!
Jin: Uh oh.. is it legal?
A-Chan: Well of course.. (tears off the tarp to reveal... a karaoke machine! *trumpet fanfare*)
Everyone: Oooo...
Lee: Oh! Oh! Let me try it first! (shoves Amy out of the way and climbs the stage) Hit my muuuusic!
Everyone's face falls as Right Said Fred's "I'm Too Sexy" music strikes up.
Lee: (in girly bad voice) IIII'm too sexy for my shirt.. too sexy for my shirt, sooo sex-y it huuurts!
Amy: (rolling up sleeves) In a second, it's gonna hurt even worse..
Amy then, in a daring move, leaps onto the stage, tackles Lee and proceeds to beat the crap out of him while yelling "Are you too sexy for a beat-down?!" Strangely (or not so strangely) no one helps, and instead all start chanting "A-my A-my A-my A-my!" After Lee is bruised and bloodied and twitching in a heap on the karaoke stage, Amy dusts off her hands.
Amy: That takes care of that... so... anyone wanna sing Shawn Michaels's theme with me?
A-Chan: Oh, me me! (waves hand in the air)
Down in the Arena:
Both men are now being lifted on stretchers, and being prepared to leave the arena for medical treatment at an old people's home while being allowed to feast on apple sauce and Jell-O. However, it is not to be, as Wang begins to smack Fo from his place on the stretcher!
Wang: Take that, ya old butthead!
Fo: Grrr...!
Fo claws one of Wang's EMT's who is holding up the stretcher, and one corner of it comes crashing down, Wang slipping down off his stretcher. Wang then kicks one foot out in a leg sweep, taking out one of Fo's EMT's. Both then begin to smack each other as they sit on the ground, partially disabled. Fo proceeds to smack Wang repeatedly with his claws over the head.
Fo: Wee hee! I'm winning, I'm winning! Feel the sting of raw steel!
Wang: Rrrrr... time for my super attack!
Fo: What?! Gonna put the other side of your hip out, too?! Hee hee!
Wang then suddenly grabs a bottle of brandy out of one of his billowing shirt sleeves, and pops the cap to take a swig. After downing the rest of his precious drink, he slams the bottle over Fo's jester-capped head.
Fo: WAH!
Wang: Heh hee heh!
Fo: Grrrr... now you force my hand, junior!
Wang: What are ya gonna do? Gimme a heart attack with the extent of your pathetic fighting style?! Heh heh!
Fo: No, not with my fighting style...
Fo then whips out an XXX spread of the three women originally involved in the Battle of the Bust. Wang clutches his heart, and topples backwards, stone cold.
Fo: Tsh. Kids today! Get all excited over a little skin!
Back in the Booth:
A-Chan and Amy: (slightly offtune, and doing the bunny hop) Seeee-xy booo-ooooy! I'm not yer boy toy! Boooo-oy tooo-oooy!
Hwoarang: Now this is pretty scary..
Jin: You get used to it.. A-san has a, er... unique! sense of humor.
Callie: Why don't I have any lines?
The music finally fades and A-Chan and Amy take their seat.
Lee: Psh. I can take The Heartbreak Kid!
Amy: (on natural reaction, sucker punches Lee) So, are we ready for the Royal Rumble..?
A-Chan: NO! First, we have a very special presentation!
Jin: (sweatdrops) A-san, NO!
A-Chan: Oh, yes! Roll the footage!
Down in the Arena:
Suddenly, on a large screen, a large picture of Roger Smith, from the Big O comes on the gamescreen.
Roger: (Words flash across screen, reading Roger Smith, of show Big O) Hi! I'm Roger Smith. You may know me as the agent who initiates the Big O.
Everyone laughs off-camera, and Roger slightly blushes.
Roger: Not THAT Big O!! The machine! (he grumbles something under his breath, then puts his smile back on) Here at Pointy-Hair Club For Men, we like to help our members feel confident in themselves, even when their hair resembles a railroad spike!
Cloud: (Words flash across the screen, reading Cloud Strife, of game Final Fantasy 7) (comes on screen with Tifa on one arm, and Aeris on the other) Thanks, Pointy-Hair Club For Men! Not only did you help me realize my whacky hairstyle is totally kickin' (he flashes a big shiny smile, with one little lens flare on it) but I can attract chicks! It also relieved me of my motion sickness! (gives a big cheesy thumbs up)
Demitri: (Words flash across the screen, reading Demitri Maximoff, of game Darkstalkers) (shows a big toothy grin, with his butler standing next to him, holding a plate of drinks) Hel-lo! I ahm Demitri Max-hi-moff, and the Lord of the Vamp-hires! Ha, ha, ha! (he pauses to lightly pick up a drink, and take a sip) Ahh... Eet is thanks to the Pointy-Hair Club For Men that I ahm able to vear the rim of my cape down, and show off my point, rah-ther than hide it, and be ever-so self-con-shi-ous. Thank you, Pointy-Hair Club For Men! Blah!
Jin: (Words flash across the screen, reading Jin Kazama, of game Tekken) (Jin looks very nervous, and is wearing a hooded raincoat) Um... hi... (looks around cautiuosly) I'm Jin Kazama.. and if I can be honest, since joining the Pointy-Hair Club For Men, I'm not feeling much more confident than I did before.. I mean they keep saying "Pointy is beautiful! Pointy is beautiful!" And really all it does is freak me ou--
Roger: (screen returns to Roger) Sooo! If you are ashamed of your sharp 'do, maybe you should give us a call! (The number 1-800-PHC-RULZ appears on screen) And remember, I'm not just president... (he presses on his watch, and the next we see of him, he's in the huge cockpit of the Big O) I'm a member! (wink, wink)
Back in the Booth:
A-Chan: (triumphantly) See! See! See! Now I know where they got that picture of you for Tekken 4! Your cameo on the Pointy-Hair Cub ad!
Jin: (burying face in hands) I am undone...
Hwoarang: (getting fidgety) Can we see the match? Pleeaaaase?!
A-Chan: Okay, okay.. so... big introduction!
Down in the Arena:
The lights dim, and spotlights of all different colors light the arena, complete with strobe effect, and balloons and streamers flying. A loud voice (Callie's, of course) announces..
"And noooow... uhhhh-LEEEEEEET'S GET READY TO RUMB-LEEEEEEEEEEE!!"
Reel To Reel's "I Like To Move It" starts up on the speakers, as the contestants strut out to ringside.
"First... weighing in at 215 pounds, or at least that's what we think after translating the kilograms to pounds... iiiiiiiiiiiiit's KIIIIIIING the WREEEESTLEEEER!"
"And his partner, weighing in at 267 pounds including his armor, King's trainer, AR-MOOOR KIIIIIIIIIIING!"
"Their first opponent, weighing in at... ...she will not reveal her weight! The mistress of feminine manishness, KIIIIIIIIING of KING... OF.. FIGH-TEEEERS!"
"And the final entry, the only one not named King, weighing in at a petite 112 pounds, she is the queen of her realm, QUEEEEEEEEEN... BEE!"
All opponents face each other, and the lights finally return to normal. The crowd is pumped, and even the announcers are silent, on the edge of their seats for supposedly the most exciting match of this whole fic.
Back in the Booth:
Mystery Man: BOOOGA BOOOGA BLAAAAHHH!!!
Everyone shrieks as the Mystery Man leaps toward Jin, who is arguably the biggest threat to any intruder in the booth. The lights go out, and as screams and cries of alarm can still be heard, the fanfiction screen shakes then turns to static.
Zoomo: Hello.. I am the magical Zoomo...! Weee kabong zap! If you would like to leave a message.. please e-mail Destiny_Sephiramy@yahoo.com or leave a review... tell us what you want to see.. tell us what you need to see... You can also go see cast and crew at http://destiny.nextnexus.net/writing/VS_cast.html Thank-uh you!(disappears in a puff of smoke)
Rated PG - PG-13 for mild language (oooh, bad!) and possible uncomfortable situations, if you catch my drift!
Disclaimer: I don't own AAANNNYone in these stories (except, currently, myself, A-Chan, Callie, Charlie and Amy... although they might disagree... they belong to meeeeee...) Everyone else is property of their respective companies and creators...
Tekken VS Battle Arena Toshinden VS King Of Fighters VS Street Fighter VS Darkstalkers:
Tournament Of The OverPopulated : PART 4!!
By A-Chan ^.^
In the Booth:
A-Chan: Welcome everyone to Tournament of the Overpopulated!
Jin: (waves hello while happily munching a ham on rye)
Hwoarang: Man, sandwiches rule..
Julia: Charliiieee do you want to share my sandwich with me?
Charlie: Oh, God, please save me...! (pauses to eat some ice out of his soda cup)
A-Chan: Just for introduction's sake, I'm A-Chan, the host! (snaps her fingers as a big neon sign over her chair starts flashing "2001 Battle of the Bust Winner")
Jin: (sets down his sandwich) I'm Jin Kazama, faithful co-host and dedicated son! (hugs a picture of his mother, Jun)
Hwoarang: He's also a huge dork! I'm Hwoarang, hands down, best looking color commentator and damn charismatic as well, if I don't say so myself!
Jin: Please, don't say so at all.
Callie: Uh. I'm Callie. ... Hi.
Charlie: I'm Charlie, and if anyone who has a jaws of life is out there reading, please help me! (attempts to pry Julia off his arm)
Julia: Oh, Charlie, you're so silly! (laughs) I'm Julia Chang, newest addition to the commentators!
A-Chan: But not for long, because as usual, we have two, not one, but two new additions to our crew! Let's bring 'em out!
Two spotlights lace down from the ceiling to point at opposite corners of the room, revealing the new co-hosts. One is a tall, dark-haired female, who waves enthusiastically, and then walks over to take her seat. It's none other than Amy Silva, another of A-Chan's friends! (Didn't see that coming!) The other is a silver-haired dumbo in a tux -- oh, excuse me! It's Lee ChaoLan, who also takes his seat.
Jin: (groans) Not him! (tugs lightly on A-Chan's sleeve) Anyone but him!
A-Chan: (shrugs meekly) There were no other even remotely cute Tekken guys, and I had to have Amy have a cute co-host...! (turns to Amy) How ya doin' tonight, Amy?
Amy: (nods slightly) Good, good... you..?
A-Chan: Great! Lee?
Lee: (is busy admiring himself in the glass window screen)
Amy: Hey! Dumbass! She's talking to you..
Lee: (rolling his eyes) Be quiet, you pathetic sidekick... I'm the one running the show here.
In the next instant, Lee has been walloped with the photograph of Jin's mom and is face down on the counter.
Jin: I'm here to enforce no one claims supremacy over A-san! I'm a dedicated co-host and... (checks to make sure the photograph is okay, then looks back to Lee) And you can't run anything around here without her permission!
A-Chan: (is smiling brighter than a fluorescent lightbulb) Hee hee hee.. ^_^ So! Shall we move on to our first match?
Hwoarang: Ah, coach, lemme announce it!
A-Chan: Well, okay, but only 'cause I like your little chain today.
Hwoarang: (grins and fingers his chain necklace proudly) Well, thanks! I like it, too.
Lee: (looks at Hwoarang's necklace and open shirt and makes a face) Ugh.. please, button your shirt, the pastiness is killing me..
Hwoarang: (growls) Hey... asshole... are you the designated pretty boy around here? I don't think so.
Lee: I'm clearly much more attractive than you, you little red-haired street rat!
Hwoarang: Listen up, jack-ass, I will stop and drop you quicker than your career in fighting games.
Lee: (laughs) Pardon me but did you just accuse me of being a wash-out?
Hwoarang: I just accused you of being a bigger wash-out than that silver shit you call hair-dye! You wanna make something of it?
Lee: Hey! This is NOT dye! It's natural, you little toe-rag! Besides, you're one to talk! You should be more worried about what people think of your crap-for-dye!
Hwoarang: Well, if that's not dye, I think YOU should be more worried about the fact you've gone completely gray before 30!
Lee, enraged by these insults, gets out of his chair and walks over to Hwoarang, folding his arms.
Lee: Do you want to make something of this, you dirty jerk?
Hwoarang: (stands up and shoves Lee) Maybe I do.
Lee: AGH! It touched me! That's it! Let's go!
At this point, Lee and Hwoarang get into one of the biggest baddest (if not most one-sided) fist fight ever seen in the booth! Lee, after trying a menagerie of punches and receiving back a whole barrage of punishment from Hwoarang, who is most experienced in these kind of fights, can hear Kazuya in his head saying "They won't work; the moves of one who does not believe in his ken." Hwoarang then grabs Lee's arm and twists it in a backwards arm-bar.
Hwoarang: Give up, you little jack-ass, before I tear your @%#$in' arm off!
Lee: (scrunches up his face and attempts to ignore the pain... one second later) Ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow fine fine fine owww leggo leggooo-oh-hooo...!
Hwoarang: (reluctantly lets go, and runs one hand through his hair) Psh. Not worth my time. (all the girls start clapping, and he takes a bow) Thank you, ladies!
Lee: Ugh.. you girls don't know a real.. oof.. man... when you... argh... see one...! (passes out)
Hwoarang: Geez.. I hate analogies, but real man is to Lee ChaoLan as real breasts is to Pamela Lee... (takes the cue card from A-Chan as he sits back down) O-kay! (looks at the card) The first match is one we like to call "The Battle of Britain: Revisited!" We know both these dudes are proud to represent their flag of jolly old England, but who will be waving the white flag after today? In the first corner, he's blue, he's bad-ass, and he plays a mean guitar, but how do you beat a zombie? He is...
Down in the Arena:
A blue spotlight launches to one corner to show a skeleton-like faced blue dude in freaky rock-star clothes, the British flag proudly printed on one pant-leg, who takes a minute to pump out a jammin' riff on his guitar. Well duh, it's--
Back in the Booth:
Hwoarang: Lord Raptor! (plays air guitar) This is gonna be sweet, dude.. I hope he uses the guitar in the match!
Jin: (takes a sip of his coffee) That would take some of the monotony out of it.
Hwoarang: Yup. Well, okay, other corner! Brandishing a mean prowess with his stick... (stops and stifles a laugh)
Jin/Charlie: (both try not to laugh, and have to cover their mouth)
A-Chan/Amy/Julia: Ugh... boys...
Hwoarang: ...(snickers) which he is always beating... (pauses)
Jin: (busts out laughing and has to cover his mouth again)
Hwoarang: ...his opponents with--
Charlie: Hehehe, stop, stop...!
Hwoarang: --he is famed for just swinging his stick around all over the place like a madman!
Jin/Charlie: (both crack up laughing, Jin banging his fist on the counter for mercy and Charlie clapping his hands)
Hwoarang: Please clap yours hands together for the master bater--(coughs and laughs a little) excuse me, master beater!
Down in the Arena:
A now very perturbed English man, leaning on a big red stick (no no not like that you pervert!!) sneers and tightens his bandana, which also brandishes the flag of Great Britain. Oh, poor easy-to-diss..
Back in the Booth:
Hwoarang: Billy Kane!
Jin: (gasping for air) Master... bater... heh... heh..
A-Chan: (actually trying not to laugh, herself) Very cute, Hwoarang..
Hwoarang: Heh, aren't I, though?
Lee: That is dis-gus-ting... please... ring the bell!
Lee once again finds himself hammered in the head, this time by the infamous Mishima School Textbook for Sneaky Excuses.
Jin: Only A-Chan can signify to ring the bell, unless otherwise stated! Request denied! (sips his coffee and opens to Chapter 11: When Bad Tuxes Attack)
A-Chan: Thank you, Jin! (clears her throat) Ring the bell!
Down in the Arena:
Lord Raptor: All roight, you blimey masterbater! Heh.. I'm gonna tear you limb from limb!
Billy Kane: Oi!! I am not a masterbater, you miserable lih'le sloimeball! Let's go to our weapons, eh?
Lord Raptor: That's just fine wit' me, pally!
Both opponents run to opposite corners of the arena, and the spectators get out their binoculars. Lord Raptor climbs into an old WWII style plane, with the British flag imprinted on the side. It is also equipped with a Pioneer stereo system, and twin laser cannons, and also a gatling gun on the back, although he would have to pause piloting to fire it. Billy Kane also has a WWII style plane, in the fashion of the Battle of Britain, and he puts on a pair of goggles and a scarf. His plane has an air-torpedo gun on either wing, and the same gatling gun fashioned on Lord Raptor's plane.
Lord Raptor: Anchors away, baby! Yeeaaahh! (flips on the stereo system and rocks out to death metal)
Billy Kane: That bloody fool... let's start this thing up!
In the next few minutes, both planes have taken to the air. Billy Kane is the first one to take to the offense, pressing a button that fires off a torpedo off the left wing. Lord Raptor does a double take, and quickly dips his plane down. He looks over his shoulder to see Billy Kane's torpedo has missed.
Lord Raptor: Ha! Whot, now, looks like you missed, pally-boy! (turns back around to see his plane coming up fast on the booth, everyone inside screaming)
Back in the Booth:
Hwoarang: No no no turn around turn around!! I'M TOO YOUNG AND GORGEOUS TO DIIIEE!!
Jin: (covering his eyes) AHHHHHHHH!! MOMMMYYYYY!!
Julia/Charlie: (clinging to each other, for once) AHHH!!
Charlie: Man, I could really use some ice!!!!
A-Chan: (hiding behind Jin) HOLY MARY MOTHER OF GOD!! He's coming right for us!!
Lee: (weeping like a woman) Don't let me die a virgin, AHHHHHH!!!
Amy: (takes a hard right hook at Lee) I had to do this at least once before I die....!
Down (or rather, up!) in the Arena:
At the very last second, Lord Raptor pulls up on the controls, sending the plane up completely vertical, and missing the booth by a mere few feet. He then does a loop-the-loop and turn to send himself right side up again, and heading towards Billy. Billy fires off his other gun, and Lord Raptor simultaneously fires off both laser guns. One laser hit is right on, fraying Billy's right wing, and the other veering off into nothingness. However, the torpedo is also successful, smacking one of Lord Raptor's back tail flaps. The plane not only catches fire, but begins to spin in a circle.
Lord Raptor: Bloody 'ell..
Billy Kane: Ha! Now I'm goin' to finish you off!
Lord Raptor: Well, I think not, oi?
Out of nowhere, the fat little blobbie thing that plays Lord Raptor's drums appears from nowhere, and mans the gatling gun! The air is suddenly racked with the sound of flying bullets, most of which connect with the wings and tail flaps of Billy Kane's plane, tearing the fabric to pieces, and eventually, if you'll pardon the term, "banging him one" in the propeller! The plane crashes and burns quicker than a Vanilla Ice CD's sales!
Lord Raptor: Lord Raptor rock on foreveeeeer!! (whips out his guitar and starts to play, as his little blob friend smacks out a beat on the gun)
Back in the Booth:
Everyone is still recovering from the great scare they endured almost being crashed into.
Charlie: Man... I thought I was going to wet myself...
Lee: I did wet myself... will you all excuse me a moment to go change into some clean undies?
Hwoarang: Oh, man, not only is he gray before 30, he's also already in need of adult diapers... Tsk, tsk.
Amy: Well... at least we're all okay...
A-Chan: Amen to that! And hey! We got to see one of the most innovative and exciting fights yet! (grins and nudges Jin) Admit it, you didn't need coffee to stay awake, huh, big guy?
Jin: (shivering like a dry leaf in an autumn wind storm) N-n-n-no.. n-no.. no, I d-didn't...
A-Chan: Aww poor Jin.. you want to break?
Jin: (shakes head rapidly) No.. no no.. no.. I'm a big boy.. I'm not scared... I'm a big boy! (covers his face in his hands)
Callie: Hey... this next match says--
A-Chan: (smacks Callie) You are so insensitive! (hugs Jin) Can't you see Jin needs me right now...?
Callie: ...bitch.
Hwoarang: (checks his script papers) Sweet! Our final match is called "The Royal Rumble!" Is that like the big Pay-Per-View in the WWF? The WWF rules!
Julia: Go figure a grunting, no-good male like you would enjoy watching other grunting, no-good males roll around in a ring spouting badly-scripted shmooze!
A-Chan: Hey, don't insult my writing! Oh.. wait... (goes back to hugging Jin) ...never mind.
Jin: The plane it was.. right towards the booth and it.. (covers his face again)
Charlie: Poor Jin.. well... hey, Julia.. er.. (gives another push with the cro-bar) You want to announce the next match?
Julia: (eyes light up) Ohhhh Charlie! (huggles his arm) I thought you'd never ask!
Charlie: (sighs, and takes the cue card) Okay.. this next match is also known as The Fogey Fumble... ...hee hee hee hee hee..
Julia: (looks over at the card) It is meant as a preview of the Royal Rumble, only it involves two older competitors, but as we all know, with age comes fighting prowess!
Jin: (starting to recollect his wits) Unless you're Heihachi...
A-Chan: That's right, Jin. (pats him on the shoulder)
Julia: So, let's introduce our competitors! First, he's one-hundred and seven years old, but not slowing up in the least! In fact, he's quickening up, using his claws to cut through opponents! He is..
Down in the Arena:
The first opponent stands at a very short height, a strange jester-like cap on, with Chinese attire. His large claw-weapons protrude from his baggy sleeves, and he manages to quietly scare the crap out of everyone in the arena with his froglike features, one eye looking left, and the other looking right. Well, you already know it's...
Back in the Booth:
Julia: Fo of Battle Arena Toshinden!
Amy: Wow... how freakish...
Hwoarang: Or froggish, depending on your level of respect for old fogeys.
Jin: Yes, or lack thereof..
A-Chan: Okay.. Jin you gonna be okay?
Jin: (nods) Hai, arigatou, A-san!
A-Chan: Look at that, he feel so much better he's gone back to speaking Japanese! (claps) Excelente!
Charlie: Okay, lemme announce the other one! The other opponent, with a weakness to whiskey and other types of alcohol is pushing it in years, but definitely not lacking in his fighting sprit! We are proud to introduce...
Down in the Arena:
A short, Chinese man is seen guzzling out of a whiskey bottle. He has a tiny red cap, and red Chinese clothes, complete with the little slippers. As he puts down the whiskey bottle, he cracks his hip into place and then takes up his stance. Well, fry my hide, it's...
Back in the Booth:
Charlie: Wang Jinrei of Tekken 2!
Jin: Wow, too bad Ling Xiaoyu isn't here to see this..
Hwoarang: Yeah, she could see exactly why she always loses her matches - 'cause her fighting style sucked two generations ago!
Julia: Oooh, ouch... (scoffs) I don't like Xiaoyu, anyway... I'm much cuter!
Down in the Arena:
Fo: I may be 107, but I can still kick your ass!
Wang: You want a piece of me, you geezer?!
Fo: That depends; am I going to end up bored?
Wang: Well, I don't know - no one knows more about "Depends" than you!
Fo: Hey... why you farty old.. you're gonna be goin' down, grandpa!
Wang: Heh heh ho ho heh... hey, at least for an old guy, I'm still hip!
Fo: The only "hip" about you is that thing you keep breaking!
At this moment, Wang starts to run in for the first attack, and kicks up his right leg. There is a sick crack, his face contorts, and he falls to the ground.
Wang: My hip.. ooohh..
Fo: Hee hee heh! Toldja!
Fo leaps into the air, and thrusts himself downward, wrenching his arm forward. There is again a crack, Fo crosses his eyes, and falls to the ground holding his elbow.
Fo: Confarnit... my elbow...!
Back in the Booth:
Jin has a disgusted look on his face, as does Hwoarang. A-Chan bites her fingernails, and then stands up and leaves the room. Jin blinks, looking after her.
Jin: Wow, and I thought I was disgusted... A-san had to leave the room...
A second later, however, A-Chan returns, dragging behind her a very large object, at least seven feet high, with something large and the back, and a platform in front. Everyone tilts their head to the side.
A-Chan: Fear not, this match is no threat! (smiles brightly) I thought I should get something to entertain us poor commentators during it!
Jin: Uh oh.. is it legal?
A-Chan: Well of course.. (tears off the tarp to reveal... a karaoke machine! *trumpet fanfare*)
Everyone: Oooo...
Lee: Oh! Oh! Let me try it first! (shoves Amy out of the way and climbs the stage) Hit my muuuusic!
Everyone's face falls as Right Said Fred's "I'm Too Sexy" music strikes up.
Lee: (in girly bad voice) IIII'm too sexy for my shirt.. too sexy for my shirt, sooo sex-y it huuurts!
Amy: (rolling up sleeves) In a second, it's gonna hurt even worse..
Amy then, in a daring move, leaps onto the stage, tackles Lee and proceeds to beat the crap out of him while yelling "Are you too sexy for a beat-down?!" Strangely (or not so strangely) no one helps, and instead all start chanting "A-my A-my A-my A-my!" After Lee is bruised and bloodied and twitching in a heap on the karaoke stage, Amy dusts off her hands.
Amy: That takes care of that... so... anyone wanna sing Shawn Michaels's theme with me?
A-Chan: Oh, me me! (waves hand in the air)
Down in the Arena:
Both men are now being lifted on stretchers, and being prepared to leave the arena for medical treatment at an old people's home while being allowed to feast on apple sauce and Jell-O. However, it is not to be, as Wang begins to smack Fo from his place on the stretcher!
Wang: Take that, ya old butthead!
Fo: Grrr...!
Fo claws one of Wang's EMT's who is holding up the stretcher, and one corner of it comes crashing down, Wang slipping down off his stretcher. Wang then kicks one foot out in a leg sweep, taking out one of Fo's EMT's. Both then begin to smack each other as they sit on the ground, partially disabled. Fo proceeds to smack Wang repeatedly with his claws over the head.
Fo: Wee hee! I'm winning, I'm winning! Feel the sting of raw steel!
Wang: Rrrrr... time for my super attack!
Fo: What?! Gonna put the other side of your hip out, too?! Hee hee!
Wang then suddenly grabs a bottle of brandy out of one of his billowing shirt sleeves, and pops the cap to take a swig. After downing the rest of his precious drink, he slams the bottle over Fo's jester-capped head.
Fo: WAH!
Wang: Heh hee heh!
Fo: Grrrr... now you force my hand, junior!
Wang: What are ya gonna do? Gimme a heart attack with the extent of your pathetic fighting style?! Heh heh!
Fo: No, not with my fighting style...
Fo then whips out an XXX spread of the three women originally involved in the Battle of the Bust. Wang clutches his heart, and topples backwards, stone cold.
Fo: Tsh. Kids today! Get all excited over a little skin!
Back in the Booth:
A-Chan and Amy: (slightly offtune, and doing the bunny hop) Seeee-xy booo-ooooy! I'm not yer boy toy! Boooo-oy tooo-oooy!
Hwoarang: Now this is pretty scary..
Jin: You get used to it.. A-san has a, er... unique! sense of humor.
Callie: Why don't I have any lines?
The music finally fades and A-Chan and Amy take their seat.
Lee: Psh. I can take The Heartbreak Kid!
Amy: (on natural reaction, sucker punches Lee) So, are we ready for the Royal Rumble..?
A-Chan: NO! First, we have a very special presentation!
Jin: (sweatdrops) A-san, NO!
A-Chan: Oh, yes! Roll the footage!
Down in the Arena:
Suddenly, on a large screen, a large picture of Roger Smith, from the Big O comes on the gamescreen.
Roger: (Words flash across screen, reading Roger Smith, of show Big O) Hi! I'm Roger Smith. You may know me as the agent who initiates the Big O.
Everyone laughs off-camera, and Roger slightly blushes.
Roger: Not THAT Big O!! The machine! (he grumbles something under his breath, then puts his smile back on) Here at Pointy-Hair Club For Men, we like to help our members feel confident in themselves, even when their hair resembles a railroad spike!
Cloud: (Words flash across the screen, reading Cloud Strife, of game Final Fantasy 7) (comes on screen with Tifa on one arm, and Aeris on the other) Thanks, Pointy-Hair Club For Men! Not only did you help me realize my whacky hairstyle is totally kickin' (he flashes a big shiny smile, with one little lens flare on it) but I can attract chicks! It also relieved me of my motion sickness! (gives a big cheesy thumbs up)
Demitri: (Words flash across the screen, reading Demitri Maximoff, of game Darkstalkers) (shows a big toothy grin, with his butler standing next to him, holding a plate of drinks) Hel-lo! I ahm Demitri Max-hi-moff, and the Lord of the Vamp-hires! Ha, ha, ha! (he pauses to lightly pick up a drink, and take a sip) Ahh... Eet is thanks to the Pointy-Hair Club For Men that I ahm able to vear the rim of my cape down, and show off my point, rah-ther than hide it, and be ever-so self-con-shi-ous. Thank you, Pointy-Hair Club For Men! Blah!
Jin: (Words flash across the screen, reading Jin Kazama, of game Tekken) (Jin looks very nervous, and is wearing a hooded raincoat) Um... hi... (looks around cautiuosly) I'm Jin Kazama.. and if I can be honest, since joining the Pointy-Hair Club For Men, I'm not feeling much more confident than I did before.. I mean they keep saying "Pointy is beautiful! Pointy is beautiful!" And really all it does is freak me ou--
Roger: (screen returns to Roger) Sooo! If you are ashamed of your sharp 'do, maybe you should give us a call! (The number 1-800-PHC-RULZ appears on screen) And remember, I'm not just president... (he presses on his watch, and the next we see of him, he's in the huge cockpit of the Big O) I'm a member! (wink, wink)
Back in the Booth:
A-Chan: (triumphantly) See! See! See! Now I know where they got that picture of you for Tekken 4! Your cameo on the Pointy-Hair Cub ad!
Jin: (burying face in hands) I am undone...
Hwoarang: (getting fidgety) Can we see the match? Pleeaaaase?!
A-Chan: Okay, okay.. so... big introduction!
Down in the Arena:
The lights dim, and spotlights of all different colors light the arena, complete with strobe effect, and balloons and streamers flying. A loud voice (Callie's, of course) announces..
"And noooow... uhhhh-LEEEEEEET'S GET READY TO RUMB-LEEEEEEEEEEE!!"
Reel To Reel's "I Like To Move It" starts up on the speakers, as the contestants strut out to ringside.
"First... weighing in at 215 pounds, or at least that's what we think after translating the kilograms to pounds... iiiiiiiiiiiiit's KIIIIIIING the WREEEESTLEEEER!"
"And his partner, weighing in at 267 pounds including his armor, King's trainer, AR-MOOOR KIIIIIIIIIIING!"
"Their first opponent, weighing in at... ...she will not reveal her weight! The mistress of feminine manishness, KIIIIIIIIING of KING... OF.. FIGH-TEEEERS!"
"And the final entry, the only one not named King, weighing in at a petite 112 pounds, she is the queen of her realm, QUEEEEEEEEEN... BEE!"
All opponents face each other, and the lights finally return to normal. The crowd is pumped, and even the announcers are silent, on the edge of their seats for supposedly the most exciting match of this whole fic.
Back in the Booth:
Mystery Man: BOOOGA BOOOGA BLAAAAHHH!!!
Everyone shrieks as the Mystery Man leaps toward Jin, who is arguably the biggest threat to any intruder in the booth. The lights go out, and as screams and cries of alarm can still be heard, the fanfiction screen shakes then turns to static.
Zoomo: Hello.. I am the magical Zoomo...! Weee kabong zap! If you would like to leave a message.. please e-mail Destiny_Sephiramy@yahoo.com or leave a review... tell us what you want to see.. tell us what you need to see... You can also go see cast and crew at http://destiny.nextnexus.net/writing/VS_cast.html Thank-uh you!(disappears in a puff of smoke)
