You...
Where are you?
Here...
I'm here...
I've missed you.
I know, I'm sorry
It's not your fault.
I would have done the same for you, you know?
I know ... that's what made me feel so bad.
But you've returned now. And I'm glad
Well...
I made a promise to you didn't I?
Kamui opened his eyes. It was morning, the beginning of the another day in a world counting nine years fast.
He was dimly aware of someone nudging him awake, softly but persistently. He had absolutely no idea what time it was, but it was early he was sure of that... the sky was still a faint ash blue.
"Nyahhhhh..." he whined a little. "I'm tired... go 'ways."
"Tired?" an irate feminine voice answered. He recognized it, perhaps better than he would have had he know her longer than he had, and allowed himself the open his eyes and muster a glare.
"You woke up from a nine year nap yesterday. How could you possibly be tired?" Maiko asked, mocking annoyance. She was in fact amused.
He continued to glare. He was tempted to say Look, I was the Kamui of the Dragons of Heaven and I got my ass kicked routinely all for the sake of humanity and ON TOP OF THAT they made me go to school!!! Which means everyday I had to get up at 6:30 in the morning to go educate my messiah mind. I deserve a sleep in day!!!!
But he seriously doubted that even she would see the humor in that.
"Everyone in the house has been up hours by now," she said matter-of-factorly.
He blinked, then frowned. "Well there's no reason I should be up... it's not like I'm going to do anything besides lay here."
"Ah... but I thought I might take you to see something."
"Like what?"
"One of the gardens ... if nothing else you can sleep out there, in the sun and fresh air. And any fool knows that being a lazy bum outside is much better for you than being a lazy bum inside."
Distantly he thought she was trying to get him out of the way. But distantly ... he didn't really care either.
She had an expression that was must definitely stern, high cheek bones, white hair that hung limply from her scalp, a fine pointed nose and skin that was worn with age so to make her seem meaner and colder. He was not afraid of her exactly, for he knew an old woman posed him no threat even here, but he was startled by her. And he regarded in a sense of cautious awe.
"In order to be a good onmyouji one must be to empathize with people," she told him.
He was about to explain that she had no reason to instruct him in this since he was not an onmyouji and had no plans to become one.
But she continued on anyway.
"It's not enough to chast wards and mutter the chants, if a spirit truly does not wish to leave, those things are useless. They will work, they will protect you ... but their strength is linked in your own and once you grow tired they will fall. And you cannot keep them up forever.
"It's all about being able to trust people, and convincing them to trust in you. Only then can you guide them. Only then can you mediate spiritual energies."
Kamui notice that pendant she wore, which was the only thing aside from her profile that he could really make out with any degree of clarity. His eyes twitched but a little in recognition of the symbol, "you couldn't possibly be..."
"There were many times they asked me why I did not tell him. 'How can he protect himself?' they asked. 'How can he be wary of the man who will kill him if he doesn't know?'. And there were many in this family that thought it would be best to tell him all we knew
"I wanted him to be safe... But...
"To tell the child that there was one who would kill him. To expose him to the darkness inside of people and to ask that he always be aware of it. To instruct him to protect himself by always looking for the darkness that might strike him at any moment in his young life is to make him cynical. To kill the innocence. To cut him off from people. By shielding his eyes from it, I risked his life and the lives of all he held dear. But If I had told him, what would he have become?
"That innocence had delivered him from the hands of the guardian once ... I prayed it would again."
"Do you regret it?" Kamui asked.
"There was pain that he should have never known. And when he confronted this darkness they wanted me to show him, he saw light in it. My heart cries for the tragedy that befell him, but it regrets nothing."
She turned her head then, eyes noble but sad ... dark as the void that surrounded them. "He is still the best onmyouji in Japan," she said.
"Why are you telling me this?"
Kamui definitely brought something to the Sumeragi main house that had not been there in a long, long time. A sense of bitter irrationality. He was turning out to be a extremely erratic house guest. Sometimes he was fine ... polite, calm, as sweet as Subaru recalled him being in his youth. Other times he was a total brat, completely unreasonable, demanding, and rude.
Subaru had no idea what was going on in the young man's head and frankly he couldn't care less. If he continued this way, Subaru would just have him sent away as soon as he was strong enough to be anymore than a nuance. Before Kamui had been such an ignorable presence he hadn't thought to move the boy somewhere else. Besides it seemed to give the staff something to do and it had been a while since they're hands had been busy with work.
And with the death of his Grandmother he knew that they would be even less for them to do. His Grandmother had not held up such traditions that would keep the house staff on their toes as they had been under pervious clan heads. He had never known for certain whether she did not uphold this traditions because she didn't want to, or because she couldn't.
But regardless, he thought as he wandered casually towards the main hall and inevitably to exit the main house-- his staff hurrying around him to prepare everything that would be needed for the day's event, he was an unlike candidate to restore such traditions. He glanced softly at the traffic scurring their way out as quickly as possible. Kamui, now more so awake than asleep, kept the staff busy.
And by some chance, Kamui's head peaked out of his room curiously at the sound of the soft march of mass moment. Subaru could almost see his ears twitch as his eyes scanned the hall and watched servants, dressed plainly and in black make their way down the hall. He turned his head and spotted Subaru immediately. "What's going on?"
He wheeled himself out into the hallway a bit and stared up at Subaru curiously. He did note that Subaru was wearing much more black than usual, for it was a good color on the man, but chose not to voice the obvious conclusion. Partially because from what he thought he knew of Subaru, this did not make any sense.
"Funeral," Subaru answered. "Most of the staff will be gone for the day, but I'm having a few stay behind to take care of things here. You'll be all right."
It was not a question.
"Who died?" Kamui asked with an innocent blink of his eyes.
"My Grandmother."
Things clicked into place much faster than he imagined the should. He had known that ... when he had seen her before. He had known, but he could not peg the connection he felt to her with a name. "Oh God Subaru ... I'm sorry. When?"
"A day or two before you woke up actually." Subaru's voice had a haunting lack of inflection in it. This did not surprise Kamui really, but that did not mean he was comfortable with it. Particularly when Subaru effectively dismissed him by calmly wheeling him back into his room. "Some of the family will be coming back here afterwards, I trust you to behave yourself."
Kamui nodded dumbly and watched Subaru walk out without another word. He did not notice that Subaru had wheeled him into the clutches of something truly menacing.
"Good Morning Shirou-san!!!"
Inwardly Kamui flinched, outwardly Kamui nearly fell out of his chair.
"Ah! Sorry," Maiko grinned. "I didn't mean to startle you."
This might have been true for all he knew. However, that did not stop her from quickly wheeling him to points unknown without so much as a comment on his plans.
"Hey!" Kamui yelped.
In his experience anywhere he was rushed to was not some where he wanted to be. And anything he had to be forcefully taken to do was not something he wanted to do. Things did not look very bright for him then, as Maiko quickly wheel him down the hall.
"You can't possibly want to give me another bath," Kamui snorted.
"No of course not, I'm here to take you for Physical therapy."
"Oh that..."
Kamui fidgeted awkwardly with his thumbs, fascinating himself with the matching the turning sound the wheelchair made as he was pushed along. Maiko noticed this, although she misunderstood the reason for such things and assumed, "nervous?"
And with those words she woke him from a little mock trance he hadn't even realized he was falling into. He made a little start and quickly nodded. "Ah... a little."
"You shouldn't be, even if your abilities are less than you think they should be, you'll get better."
He nodded softly, not of word of what she said had mattered to him. And he had already began to drift off into his private meditation again ... running away from thinking ... when something occurred to him rather impulsively. He wanted to tell someone, because maybe if he did he would have an easier time convincing himself that it was crazy.
"Maiko-san? If I tell you something will you promise not to tell Subaru?"
She frowned, only a moment's pause in her step as she wheeled him down the hall. "Well that depends on what it is."
He couldn't really see her face. But he could tell, just by her voice, that she was uncomfortable with the notation of keeping something from her employer. As he supposed she should be under the circumstances. Nevertheless he felt he should tell someone, if only to stop troublesome thoughts from repeating over and over in his head. "It's nothing bad..." he began meekly. "I just ... don't want him to think-- that I'm lying."
"Why would he think that?"
"It's complicated," Kamui muttered. "Besides the less Subaru is in my life the easier it is."
They stopped. Along the wall next to them was a glass sliding door, the entrance to one of many courtyards designed and very Zen themed styles. A different one from that morning. One with a large willow tree, who's branches swept through the air like little brooms freshening up the air.
"All right, you can tell me."
He was thankful for it, because it meant he didn't have to look at her in the eye as he talked. He could instead stare a little to his side and wait for her reaction. He had no idea why he felt like this, since he was saying nothing that was shameful. But still he could not help the little voices that chimed softly liar liar liar liar
"I think..."
She squeeze his hand lightly, some how sensing that it was a very hard thing to say. Now kneeling in front of him, he knew that somehow she could hear the little voices accusing liar liar liar liar
"I think I saw Subaru's Grandmother."
Honestly, do you think Subaru will care for you now? Because you saw his Grandmother?
Do you think you can just pull out all his dead loved ones and form a link between yourself and them so that he might confuse himself into thinking that he loves you as he loves them?
She did not seem surprised, and at once he mentally hit himself-- of course she wouldn't be surprised, she did work for the most powerful onmyouji family in the world. So then she would not think he was crazy, he realized with a small frown. But perhaps she would still give him reason not to believe.
Because he really really did not want to believe that it was real.
"When?" she asked.
"This morning ... I fell asleep in the garden."
"I see."
A calm acknowledgment of what he had experienced and then she rose and resumed wheeling him down the hall to where his therapist waited.
Physical therapy, Kamui realized, was surprisingly exhausting. All he was doing was lifting his leg, stretching it up, pulling it in to his chest and pushing it out again. And considering he was doing this all with his physical therapist's hands guiding him and sometimes supporting the limb being worked ... it was depressively pathetic.
To make matters worse, his physical therapist was oddly familiar with him ... having worked with him every day when he was in his coma. The man was apparently not catching on to the fact that Kamui had been unconscious for each of those sessions, and as such had no idea who he was.
Shigure Yukirou was somewhere around Subaru's age Kamui figured, perpetually cheerful with gentle hands that had a knack for get Kamui's body to move in way his was almost certain it would not have the strength to move in otherwise. He had never been able to hold he leg perfectly straight and up so high ... and as he tried to explain this to Yukirou-san the man cheerfully correctly him. "We do this all the time."
And sure enough, with his slow guidance Kamui held his leg straight.
"See?" Shigure smiled.
"Oh shutup."
The man remained him too much of Keiichi to make comfortable around him. Not that he held anything against Keiichi, it was just odd. At the time when he was trying to convince his mind that he was not 16 anymore ... it was distracting.
"That's wonderful Shirou-san."
"Oh yes my legs bend, I'm sure the Olympics committee will be impressed."
"You shouldn't be so critical."
"Why the hell not?" Kamui hissed as his moved his leg again. "I'm now nine years older, without actually living nine years. I wake up and walking turns out to be an achievement ... let's not talk about jumping from building tops--"
"What?"
"Nothing... forget it."
Kamui settled for staring blankly out his window while he continued his stretching. What did it matter anymore? No family ... no friends ... nothing was left for him anyway. Nothing...
"Hey," Kamui said calmly. "If you've been working with me all this time.. why couldn't I move?"
"Oh well I come in to stretch the muscles a bit, but there's only so much I can do when you're unconscious. And while physical therapy during your coma would serve to prevent atrophy in the muscles, after nine years..."
"I see," Kamui murmured. "Do you work for the Sumeragi family?"
"Not exclusively, if that's what your asking."
Up... down... over... in... out
Now the other one...
"What's your impression of them?" Kamui asked quietly.
His therapist paused, fingers running down Kamui's tense hamstring as they lifted his leg as far up as it would go without pain. "How do you mean?"
"Well what do you think of them?"
Down... over...
"As a family they're very... professional."
In...
"You mean repressed? Conservative?"
Out...
"Something like that. There's a lot of pressure, a lot of dignity. The family is rooted in sacrifice, it feeds off the spirit of people."
Kamui stopped, blinking curiosity at the man. "That's an odd way to put it," he commented.
"Well it's true, I've been working here for a while. You'll see it if you stick around. There are members of the family that have responsibilities of a Sumeragi and then there are just ones that are Sumeragis by name. And it's the latter and their freedom from that staunch dignity that supports the former. The family is like a tree--"
"Feeding off the lives of others?"
He hummed, "that makes it seem a little violent... No instead I'd say that it's a tree that draws it's strength from the happy spirits. It is, afterall what they commit their lives too, peace in the spirit world. To ensure that happiness and balance."
Shigure guided his leg gently down and clapped his hands cheerfully, "now, let's work on those arms!"
Kamui groaned, "we can skip that, I've always had scrawny arms..."
He laughed and adjusted Kamui so he was in a better position to work on his upper body. "Don't you want to be able to live normally one day? Besides how or you going to speed down the halls away from Maiko-san if don't have enough strength to keep wheeling your wheelchair?"
"Point.." Kamui sighed. "All right fine. But tell me something else will you?"
"That depends, what about?"
"Subaru."
"Sumeragi-san? Well ... I don't really know him. But he seems to me too much like his predecessor. That's who I spoke most frequently to you know."
"So Subaru wasn't involved in hiring you at all?"
"No, Sumeragi-san wasn't involved it the family's business very much at all until recently."
"I see..." Kamui sighed. "Who was his predecessor?"
"His Grandmother I believe."
Kamui paused, a mostly futile action since there was no thought in his head nor argument that could have kept him from asking the question. "What was she like?"
He chuckled as his hands massaged Kamui's shoulder a bit before encouraging him to rotate his arm around in circles. "She was very intimidating. She had to be you see, she wasn't a Sumeragi by birth."
"No?"
Shigure shook his head. "Nope, she married into the family. She was from an onmyouji family, one the Sumeragi's intermarry with quite frequently I'm told. Her husband was to assume the position of the Clan's head ... but that wasn't to be..."
"He died?"
A nod as Yukirou-san nudged Kamui's arm to rotate the other way. "Left her and his young son behind. I'm not sure how she ended up as the 12th head-- since it's not something they just discuss with outsiders-- but I know she had to fight for it. She had to prove she had both the power and the leadership skills to do the job. And she had a lot enemies I assume, the Sumeragi's are a big family... a cousin, a brother or sister could have easily been chosen."
"Why did they chose her?"
He shrugged, "no idea, like I said it's not something they really talk about with outsiders. But I know it obviously wasn't a decision many people liked."
"What makes you say that?"
"Most of the family avoids the main house. They come here for family business and duties, but they shun social functions."
"Oh..."
Then Subaru would have presumably grown up alone. Although Kamui might never know how alone. To be severed from such a large family, yet still bear all the responsibilities of them without any of their support. And if he did learn of it, he would only partly understand it. Because he had never know his family beyond his Aunt and to him it was as if they did not exist at all. He felt no weight of their expectations, nor burn of their criticisms.
He could see violet eyes staring at him from across the library even though he had not looked up from his book to directly meet them. Kamui would stare with an overwhelming curiosity lacing his wide child like eyes. Then he would catch himself and wander casually to other points of the room.
But his eyes would always come back. Curious, Subaru realized, he was curious about him. Not just about... say what he was reading or what he was doing. But about him. Kamui was curious about him.
This probably shouldn't have come as such a surprise to Subaru. He had, of course, only four days ago entered Kamui's heart and brought him out. And he was dimly aware that must be a fairly intimate event for anyone, let alone Kamui who seemed not to have a great deal of human contact anyway.
It was natural that Kamui should be curious about him
Honestly he was flattered.
Subaru deliberately waited for Kamui to look away before sitting the book down in his lap and staring at the boy. Letting his eyes slowly take in the sight before him ... not in a lustfully or demeaning or critical way, but as slowly and casually as one would admire a painting. Slow ... lazy ... taking his time observing how he moved, held himself, even fidgeted.
Inevitably Kamui turned around and looked at him.
And Subaru said nothing, nothing at all. Content to just keep staring at Kamui like he hadn't noticed the boy had noticed his attention. Kamui blushed a little and Subaru thought briefly that it really was adorable.
And after a few minutes Kamui began to squirm. Finally he looked up sharply, meet Subaru's gaze and asked, "what?"
Subaru shrugged, "nothing" he hummed keeping his voice level and as cheerful as his voice ever got.
He did not stop staring at Kamui though. And this made Kamui fidget even more. Barely a minute passed before Kamui looked up again and frowned. "What is it?"
Subaru tried his best to look innocent. "Nothing," he assured him.
"Then why are you staring at me?"
"Why were you staring at me before?" Subaru asked calmly, the tiniest tremble of amusement in his voice.
Kamui made a soft sound in the back of his throat that sounded suspiciously like an 'eep' and jumped back a little in surprise. "I-- I... I'm sorry!"
"It wasn't bothering me. I just wanted to know."
"Well..." Kamui began.
And Subaru waited, staring quietly as Kamui fidgeted a little more.
"Would you mind terribly," Kamui asked. "Telling me about what you do?"
"What I do?"
"Onmyoujitsu," Kamui elaborated.
He had already worked his way across the room, and was slowly lowering himself into a chair beside Subaru, as if he were afraid it was hot enough to burn him. Subaru shrugged. "Not especially."
Of course he would have had to be an idiot to be surprised by Kamui's inquiry
"Well... let's start with what you know..."
"Not much at all, my mother said onmyoujis get rid of spiritual disturbances..."
"That's part true. A lot of it is trying to bring a balance to things. Specifically between the worlds of the living and the worlds of the dead."
"Does it make any sense to need people to do that?" Kamui blinked.
"Eh? What do you mean?"
"I mean ... isn't the spirit world and the human world domains the gods are suppose to handle or something? Why do people need to do what divine power should handle?"
Subaru thought about that for a moment, then drew his cigarettes out of his pocket as if they would magically give him the answers.
"Do you mind if I smoke?" Subaru asked casually, and Kamui stared at the pack of cigarettes for a long moment before shaking his head.
After a few minutes of a good smoke, Subaru still did not have an answer for Kamui's question. Cigarettes apparently lacked the enlightening qualities they were assumed to have. "I don't know the answer to that. But I do know that there are people who I can help out there. So I will. Even if it is just a cosmic mistake."
"I'm sorry ... I've offended you." His soft gray hair swept over his forehead and he ducked his head away from Subaru's eyes.
"No ... you haven't. It's a good question."
Kamui didn't seem to believe him. "Can I ask you something?"
A shrug. "Depends."
"Did you ever get scared?""
Subaru looked puzzled, "Scared?"
"Of ghosts." And he stopped if only to realize how truly idiotic that sounded. "I mean ... when you were starting out were you ever scared?"
Subaru smiled gently, inhaling leisurely from his cigarette before shaking his head.
"Not at all?" Kamui asked, a little awestruck at this idea.
"I started training very young, and I grew up around this stuff. There was nothing scary about ... 'ghosts' as you chose to put it. I knew that they could be dangerous, but ... there was never any time to be afraid of that."
They fell silent. The smoke of his cigarette curled up towards God like a charmed snake writhing to an unhearing music. In that way it was a calm silence, not the nervous lack of sound that might have fallen on them, but simply a moment filled with sound they could not happen.
"What about you, do you ever get scared of it?"
"Me? Of ghosts?"
"Of Fate," because that what Kamui had really been asking hadn't it? Do you ever get scared to the duties you have to fulfill?
"I'm terrified right now."
Subaru took a long drag of his cigarette, flicked the ash in some general direction and informed Kamui that "the hardest things to live through or the before and the after. The before is filled with fears and nervousness and anticipation. The after with guilt and what ifs. It's funny, that's 90 percent of life isn't it? The actual events we link all our suffering to are easy to live in, difficult to live through.
"Don't worry, when it's time you won't be afraid."
"How do you know that?" Kamui looked up.
"Because there will be no time to be afraid, only to see what's happening and react to it."
"That ... doesn't make me feel any better."
Subaru smiled lightly, bringing the cigarette to his lips once again. "It wasn't suppose to."
