My Love and I

"If one kamui is sealed in this place, the other will likewise be sealed."

When he dreams it is rarely of good things. His dreams are almost always as twisted as reality, occasionally more twisted. Clouded in a mix of false memories and gothic imagery, they very rarely make sense, or at least they very rarely make sense to him. Perhaps to other people that know better than him the answers in his dreams are obvious.

The words were a memory, perverted-- as dreams are likely to do-- in such a way that it was not what had been said at the time, but rather an updated and perhaps more accurate version. Perhaps not.

"Imonoyama-san?" Kamui was asked.

The man with golden hair and a noble personality had always treated him kindly. He was the messenger in the beginning, the sponsor most of the time. Although Kamui really doubted destiny had worked something so bureaucratic as corporate sponsorship into the equation, Nokoru Imonoyama did seem heaven sent at times.

"The seal has been cracked ... not broken, but cracked."

Kamui could not help himself, he sighed and nearly hit his forehead, "Oh damn, we're not going to have another apocalypse are we?"

Nokoru Imonoyama looked at him as if he had said the most absurd thing. "No, of course not, don't be ridiculous."

"Hey I'm not the one who rearranged CLAMP campus so it was all Feng Shui, because some knocked up wacko teenager said to. Don't tell me I'm ridiculous."

"Neither am I," the older man pointed out. "And to be frank, you're mother wasn't just any knocked up teenager--"

"I know, I know, a pregnant Magami must be like a swarm of locusts."

"To put it lightly yes. Rearranging CLAMP campus was one of the more responsible things your mother requested."

"So what's this dream about anyway?"

"You tell me," the older man shrugged. This entire personality was quite uncharacteristic for him ... but then, this was a dream.

"Well," Kamui mused. "Clearly this dream reflects my feelings of guilt about the Promised Day. 'Sealing the kamui' is obviously a metaphor relating to those feelings of guilt about my perceived crime and wanting to be locked away. You're here because of that connection."

"You've got it all figured out huh?"

The sky was beige with a cream colored horizon, the landscape barren and gray. Kamui's bare foot pushed a small rock around on the soil on which he stood. Dreams were funny things... to have bare feet on sandy ground and not feel the grit or dirt.

"You should become a psychiatrist Shirou-kun," Nokoru smiled brightly, tilting his head a little to the side.

"Psych majors are all fucked up though.."

"You'll fit in well then."

Kamui laughed and kicked the rock a few feet away. "Yeah probably..."

"So what does that mean?" Nokoru pointed innocently across the landscape to a figure twirling and wandering around aimlessly. Kamui blinked, when had that gotten here? Given that the figure was singing rather loudly, he didn't imagine he had simply overlooked it.

Oh well such were the way of dreams...

It was Subaru-- this did not surprise Kamui-- drank off the fiber of the dream, mumbling words that were too soft to make out for certain. A few soft steps put Kamui right behind the delirious Sumeragi, a small frown on his face as Subaru smiled brightly at him. He did not enjoy having his dreams violated by something that could sincerely affect him. Strange images of the past were fine. Visitations from people he had failed he could deal with. But Subaru was another matter ... he never liked Subaru's presence in his dreams, it always managed to mislead him somehow.

Might as well play along, "Hey Subaru, what'cha doing?"

"I never jumped in and rescued you, but I wanted to. I never told you which way to go. Cause I thought you'd know..."

He was still singing. Kamui didn't recognize the song, but he was somewhat amused that Dream-Subaru couldn't seem to remember all the words.

"I never told you I told you so, But I told you so. Have to let it go. Time to let it go. Now I can't believe it took so long to leave. Perhaps one day I'll grieve or I never will. I never told you I agreed with you. I don't think I do. I wasn't sure quite what the whole thing meant, but I'm glad you went. I never thought that it could be painless. But it is, I guess. I had myself fooled into needing you. Did I fool you too?"

"Yes, a little more than I would like to admit, particularly to a dream." Kamui responded irritably. He wondered if there was some dreamgazer with a strange sense of humor roaming free in Kyoto.

"I never mentioned how I prayed for you, now I pay for you. I never said that I would wait for you. It's too late for you. It's time to let it go. Or I never will."

"Well I can honestly say I've never dumped in a dream before, once again you've claim another first from me Subaru."

He had intended to walk away, knowing it was futile to try to escape a dream before the dream was done with you.

"Put to sleep ... one last sleep ... the final sleep ... sleep of no escape ... with the fishes... We were looking for ourselves, found each other ... we were never making love, we were never making love..."

Subaru had backed Kamui into an uncomfortable closeness, and somehow the air made an invisible wall that Kamui could only pray to melt into. He gulped although he did not know why, he wasn't afraid of Subaru. "Ummm... okay, you keep up on that..."

"Garden of silence, garden of sleep. The City of the Eternal Rest opens it's gates and raises at the sound of its alarm clock. It was a dirt nap, but it was a good nap Kamui ... and now it calls to you, sleepy eyed and yawning , feet shuffling lazily as it looks for you. Can you hear it Kamui?"

"...yes." It was not an answer he gave consciously. Simply an unthinking moment of honesty that comes with dreams.

"Will you go to it?"

"I ... I don't know what it is!"

Subaru shook his head very matter-of-factly and poked Kamui in the chest. "The harvest has come and gone, the god journeys down into the dark land of sleep. But now it's spring again."

"Spring?" Kamui frowned. "It's the middle of Fall Subaru. It won't be spring for another--"

He could not help that soft gasp as Subaru touched his cheek, an amused smile playing on the onmyouji's lips. "This is your resting place, it was and it will be a little longer. The stone orchard ... and it makes sense that it should be this place. This, the home of the greatest Onmyoujis in the world."

"I don't understand."

Subaru glanced down at him for a moment, his hair stretched out in the breeze as black as fine ink, posture confident and tall as the sun fought through the dusk with one final breath of brilliant color. He smiled, not cheerfully or tenderly as he had before, but a simple smile. As if he was only paying attention to half of what Kamui was saying. "But you will," he assured. "It's not dawn yet, not time to think about any of these things. Night is a time to rest. And for now it is your winter's night. There are not a lot more of them left Kamui. Rest well..."

Ideally, given the terms of their deal, Kamui should have become devoid of any free will at all. He certainly shouldn't argue or act on his own at all. He should have listened to what he was told, not talk back or complain or challenge what he was ordered to do. Ideally ... this was the way things should have been...

But that was scarcely any fun.

Subaru could have pointed this out whenever Kamui choose to talk back, argue the point with him, complain or insist. But he never did. Mostly because he really didn't have the patience to argue about it in the first place. Arguing with Kamui-- particularly when he was in a foul mood-- was always an exhausting ordeal and one that Subaru had become fond of avoiding. So he would let Kamui follow along the bare bones of their agreement and not get too technical about it.

He did not care to kill Kamui, any excuse not to do it would have suited him just fine. But he knew that if he accused Kamui of not holding up his half of the bargain now for silly things like complaining about having to perform some ridiculously drab task, it would only serve to cement Kamui's resolve in his death wish. And he would become even more stubborn and obnoxious. Subaru would likely never get any peace at all.

Kamui was the only person he knew that was so passionate about being murdered. But then for all purposes he was still 16, still so young and immature to the ways of the world. He had something to prove, and come hell or high water he was going to prove it.

"This is insane..." Subaru muttered. And it was.

Still he remembered how flighty 16 year olds could be. He knew that Kamui's commitment to his death was only as good as the void that had become his life. If Kamui found something as small as an amusement, all thoughts of dying would run from his head as if they had never been conceived in the first place.

And that was the only hope he could allow himself. That if he stalled long enough, Kamui would change his mind.

Of course Kamui could just as easily kill himself. But this was none of Subaru's concern. People died all the time, he didn't really care if Kamui died ... he just didn't want to be the one to kill him.

On the days when Kamui was feeling especially vindictive he followed their deal to an absurd degree, not moving unless Subaru told him to. Then on others he wandered about on his own, finding things to do with himself around the vast Sumeragi estate. His moods were even more unpredictable than Subaru thought them to be. Sometimes he beamed up at Subaru like Subaru was the most wonderful thing in the world. Sometimes he wouldn't let Subaru get near him, keeping the maximum amount of personal space between them.

Something was obviously up ... but he couldn't figure out what was effecting Kamui's moods so dramatically. Sometimes it seemed like Kamui was trying to force him to admit something. Sometimes it seemed like Kamui didn't even know what he wanted Subaru to think.

Maybe he had just gone insane. That would go a long way to explain why he seemed so lively, yet so committed to his death at Subaru's hand. Maybe it was one of those unexplainable Kamui things. Maybe he was holding on to the delusion that Subaru would sweep him off his feet and carry him off into the sunset.

There was a polite and deliberate rustled in the bushes by his side. He was not surprised to find Maiko there, waiting patiently for him to finish his thoughts and address her. She had not been looking well lately, sudden waves of nausea and dizziness claiming her without warning. But if she was not concerned by it, he saw no reason to step in just yet.

"Maiko-san," he greeted. "How's Kamui doing?"

"Walking a bit more, Yukirou-san says he'll be able to retire the wheel chair in a month or so."

"Behaving?"

"Most of the time," she smiled. "Lately he just seems troubled."

"By what?" he asked, although Kamui had enough options to by troubled about.

"I'm not really sure, but if I was to venture a guess I'd say he seems to be dredging something."

Well that was promising, Subaru thought hopefully. Maybe they could settle this 'kill me Subaru' nonsense without wasting the full term on it.

"But there's something else," she admitted hesitantly.

"Oh?"

"I need this to stay in confidence Sumeragi-san. If he were to find out it would break his heart."

Her eyes were amusingly stern, he found it a very odd look for her. She was always such a patient, easy-going servant. A quiet presence that could slip in and out of rooms without disturbing a thing. Part of the reason he asked her to look after Kamui, the boy was so wearily of strangers ... her soft presence would probably make him more comfortable.

And when she told him, he admitted the possibility had never even occurred to him. It was rare that something so common in his life should surprise him so much, but he was surprised, "how long?"

"About three months I think."

"Do you want me to take care of it?"

"With all do respects Sumeragi-san, this is family--"

He nodded quietly, "yes I suppose you're right, that wouldn't be appropriate. But you're sure?"

"Yes."

Kamui lied on his bed, staring at his hand dumbly, wondering what the hell he had gotten into. He did not regret the decision, he didn't regret his death wish. He would welcome death as much now as before. But...

He knew now that his death would be the most painful experience of his life. He knew that he would suffer in death because it seemed unlikely that Subaru would give him a straight answer even in killing him.

Yes or no...

Do you care for me Sumeragi Subaru?

And now he felt horribly embarrassed to boot. Subaru knew. He had seen Maiko tell him. What did he think of Kamui now? Would he ever be able to see Kamui's true intentions, or would he always think that Kamui was just trying to force him to be the Subaru he had created in his mind? "When he looks at me now all he'll see is an arrogant, presumptuous brat who thinks he can 'save' him. How could I possibly tell him that's not true in a way he'll believe? How can I say I learned my lesson the first time, I didn't ask for your Grandmother to haunt me."

It seemed hopeless. If Subaru had any ounce of respect for him before, he certainly didn't now.

He liked Subaru, he didn't want Subaru to see all the ugliness of past mistakes. Yes, he had tried to make Fuuma someone he wasn't. He had refused the see the kamui's true intentions until it was too late. He had been too ashamed and too guilty to admit the truth fully.

But this was different ... surely Subaru saw that?

Kamui had felt guilty about them for weeks, Normally his dreams were cleansing. Horrific, bloody, terrifying ... he woke from them with a strange feeling of release. Suffering brings the guilty heart relief, and though it was torment ... the horror was better than the guilt.

He had not dreamed like that in a while, he had dreamed of something much worse. The safety of feathers and blood had escaped him, leaving him with dreams of warmth and pleasure. And worse yet, the finest edges of a fantasy that did not involve Fuuma being freed from Fate's clutches.

It felt so wrong to want. He didn't have the right to want anything, he had taken so much from everyone else. Even if he never intended to take, even if he didn't want to rip so much from the heart's of people he cared about ... he knew he was responsible for all their loss.

And to want on top of that. That was unforgivable.

At first he had been able to stop the dreams when his own selfish hunger shocked him enough. Until sleep had decided to hold him down with a choking net of blackness. The more he fought the thick unconscious the more intense the pleasure became. He woke up sated and warm. Alone but with skin tingling where a pretend lover had been holding him gently.

And felt horrible about every minute of it. How could he? How could he be so selfish and presumptuous? Did he really have any right to want when God had given him so much freely? Super powers, the authority of God, importance, he was hero ... what everyone fantasizes about. Yet he didn't want it? He would throw back the gifts of God or pass them to another like the ungrateful spoiled brat he was.

Desire is not a virtue.

Then he finally did it. He broke through the net. Ripped through the weak spot in the webbing and was thrown violently into consciousness with a gasp. Even as his eyes opened with a quick snap, pleasure flooded his senses and he did what came naturally by arching up into it. He hadn't expected that, it felt so real

In the few seconds it took him to get his senses in order he realized something rather disturbing.

It was real. He could feel the stiff body beside him, the warm undeniable presence of a hand between his legs. Kamui could taste the panic from his companion who had caught him in the act.

The mix of fear, shame and regret in the green eyes staring back at him.

"Please ... don't stop..." Kamui breathed. The pleasure didn't make him feel any better about wanting it, but he was hard and Subaru's touch was infinitely more satisfying than him own. It was a sacrifice he would make for Subaru ... he knew that if he didn't encourage Subaru to continue the blow would make their friendship unsalvageable. In the bit of selfishness he would allow himself day to day, he needed Subaru's friendship. He couldn't stand to loose anyone else.

Reluctantly Subaru's hand started stroking him again, and he was surprised how good it really felt when the sensation wasn't muffled by sleep. Kamui moaned and stretched out in Subaru's arms as the other hand crept slowly up his stomach.

"I'm sorry..." Subaru whispered. "... I just wanted to help."

How long Subaru had been helping? Kamui wondered as he moved into the Sumeragi's touch.

Kamui knew what a sacrifice was, but sometimes it's necessary to lie to yourself just to keep the guilt and shame from consuming you. He could tell himself that it was a sacrifice because Subaru wanted it. Kamui did that with a lot of things really, Subaru was so similar to him and he became the perfect benefactor in that regard. Subaru was his corrupting influence, his excuse, a wonderful tool for his own cowardliness. Some of it was hero worship, some of it was infatuation, but some of it was also convenience. Their deal was in a sense just a continuation of what had always been for them.

"Oh god..." Kamui shuddered. He bit the back of his hand to hold himself silent, painfully aware of the still presence of others all around them. Hidden by walls and doors, staircases away or right down the hall ... they were there. Perhaps not awake or aware of what was going on between the two of them, but there ... present all the same.

Kamui rolled over onto his belly, climbing up into Subaru's arms. He felt oddly balanced, warm, relaxed ... with his skin tingling like he had just emerged from a hot bath. "Now you," he purred, kissing up Subaru's neck with no shyness or fear of rejection. He could feel Subaru arousal and the rhythm of his pulse drumming up against Kamui's skin.

"You don't have to..."

I know ... I know ...

But you want me to, don't you? So I'll do it, because I want to ... but it's easier to not think about what I want. It's easier to just follow your lead.

Just do what I'm told.

Mmmmm what to do? what to do? Maiko was in bed with the flu so he couldn't even be rude to her properly for breaking her promise. He had spent a little time walking around the Sumeragi estate but then had gotten tired and ended sitting down on the ground with his back pressed to a wall. He and been aiming for a couch by a TV so at least he would have an excuse that didn't included 'my legs felt like they were going to fall off'. But the stiff Sumeragi house hold was strangely devoid of such things. It was like the whole place was stuck in Feudal Japan.

He twisted a piece of bright green grass between his fingers. He had been avoiding Subaru even more than usual lately, which almost guaranteed the Sumeragi would show up out of nowhere soon. Probably while he was sitting here, exhausted and unable to escape, probably in the next few minutes...

Even with the inevitability of their meeting-- if anything Subaru could probably just have him dragged kicking and screaming back into the main house-- Kamui was avoiding making any kind of plans about how he was going to confront the onmyouji. He supposed what the best strategy was depended on how Subaru thought of him now that he knew. Clearly the Sumeragi did not hate him that much, since he hadn't been thrown out yet.

Kamui's only plan was to avoid Subaru at all costs. That was his best defense wasn't it? If Subaru didn't see him for days... maybe even weeks, then the less logical what he was obviously thinking-- what any sane person would be thinking-- would seem.

Enter Subaru.

"Stop pulling up my grass."

Sometimes-- well really most of the time-- Kamui just really hated being fated. People didn't realize that it wasn't just the whole end of the world thing, he entire life was strangely scripted. Sitcoms of the gods...

"It was asking for it," Kamui replied blandly.

"I'm sure it's greenness was just unbelievably offensive."

"Maybe..."

Subaru took a minute to look him up and down. Kamui didn't even have the strength to hide the way his arms hung limply like two wet socks from his body. Or the way his head fell to the side a little.

"Am I going to have to carry you inside?"

"No," Kamui hissed. "I'm perfectly capable of handling myself. I'm just little tired."

Subaru shrugged, "fine, I was just offering."

"Excuse me that was not an offer. 'Would you like me to carry you inside,' is an offer. That was not a offer it was damage control, and I'm just letting you know that's perfectly unnecessary ... I already know what you think of me. There's no reason to try to make it more obvious."

"How long have you been sitting out in sun Kamui?"

Of all the ways he have considered confronting Subaru, this was not among them. But he figured, he had already dug this big old hole in the ground ... might as well go on and jump into it. "Look I already know Maiko told you."

Subaru blinked, "so?"

"So ... I'm not entitled to be mad about that?"

"Why should you? Moreover ... why shouldn't she have told me?"

"Because she promised me she wouldn't tell you that's why," Kamui bit back.

"...she promised you she wouldn't tell me she's pregnant?"

Oh God... nononononononononononono. That made perfect sense. Of course it was something else ... his life should only make so much ironic sense like that. "What?" he croaked.

"Maiko-san is with child."

"Whose?"

"Daichi's."

"WHAT?"

"I'm judging from your response that this was not what you assumed Maiko-san told me."

Kamui shook his head dumbly. "But ... but ... Daichi-san's getting married."

"Yup," Subaru concluded, plopping down next to Kamui. "He is."

"Does he know she's pregnant?"

He was gawking, he couldn't help it. Maiko was carrying Daichi's illegitimate child? Was that why she had been getting sick? Because she was pregnant? He felt a twinge of guilt run through him with the news, he had grown to think of her as not a real person with a life outside her job but as a thing that simply existed within the house. Like a potted plant, only one that brought him breakfast and helped him get dressed when he was unable to do it on his own.

"Nope," now Subaru was picking at the grass.

"Is someone going to tell him?"

"No."

"Why the hell not?"

Subaru regarded him coldly out of the corner of his eye before shrugging and replying casually, "she doesn't want him to know."

"Why?" He wanted to scream out of pure frustration. What possible justification could there be? What kind of idiot sacrifices everything, forcing themselves to suffer for the sake of another who could just be a jerk?

...Oh yeah... nevermind.

"Because she loves him and when people fall in love they trade in their common sense for overcooked yams," Subaru said with more than a hint of bitterness in his voice. "And he's sincerely in love with his fiancee so blah ... blah ... blah she wants him to live happily ever after. I'm sure you can consult a daytime soap opera for the specifics if you like. It all gives me a headache." He rubbed the bridge of his nose to emphasis this point.

"Somebody has to tell him, he's the father he has a right to know."

"No, no one has to tell anything. Because it would break up his engagement then Maiko will be miserable, Daichi will be miserable and the child would in all likelihood have lost both parents instead of just one."

"But... but ... Subaru, you know what it's like to grow up without a father. This child, would you put him through the same thing we went through?"

"First, a parent who's filled with regrets and guilt about your birth is not a parent who's fully there. Yes growing up without a father is hard, but growing up with no parents is much worse. You always had your mother, Kamui ... if we destroy the lives of these two people against their wishes this child won't have anyone."

He hated this. All those years of wondering about his own father. Wondering who the man was, what he looked like, what he did for a living, what kind of person he was ... and then finally whether or not he existed at all. If someone had been able to prevent all that with just a few words "Tohru Magami is pregnant." Even if the man didn't want him, then he would at least know that right? Instead of having this giant gaping void in his family, like a face cutout of a family portrait.

He couldn't handle that...

"I'm going to tell him myself."

"No you won't," Subaru said as a matter of fact. With a low, firm, authoritative tone that left no confusion over what exactly Subaru meant by that.

"No... No, Subaru that's not fair!" he whined pathetically. But he couldn't help it, why didn't Subaru understand? He needed to do this ... didn't Subaru feel that too?

The Sumeragi shrugged, completely unfazed by Kamui's pleading. "We never agreed to fairness. Not a word, not even a hint out of you. You'll take this secret to your grave."

"It's ... it's not right Subaru."

"If you're so concerned with what's right, why don't you be the child's father?"

Kamui blinked, "what? Me?"

"Yes you, and why not? ... You're not 16 anymore Kamui. Although you're mind may not have wrapped around the concept yet, you and Maiko are about the same age. The timing's not too far off, no one would question it."

Leave it to Subaru to burn Kamui by striking straight at the heart of the matter. It was easy to be selfish and sacrifice Daichi's life so that he could feel a sense of closure about his own father. It was less so to take on the responsibility of doing what was 'right'.

"I couldn't do that..."

"Well..." Subaru sighed, pulling himself to his feet. "You were the one so concerned about the child having a father. Seems to me this is the best solution for everyone. The child has a father as well as a mother, Daichi gets to marry the woman he loves, I get two aspirin and a nap ... everyone's happy."

"But ... that's not the truth. I'm not the baby's father," Kamui offered in meek protest.

"The truth is extremely overrated. Besides what is a father anyway? Is Daichi somehow more qualified to be a parent just because he's the biological father? ...Don't look so panicked about it Kamui. You have a couple months more to decide. And after all since you're not one of the child's biological parents you have the luxury of options. Just remember that if you turn your back on this baby you've got no right to force anyone else into the role you don't want."