Chapter 6: Wills are Sharper than Swords

She sat by the window in his room, long white hair drawn like a curtain across the edges of her face. Her features turned away from him so that he could only see and hints of fatigue and sorrow in the fine lines of her face. He had given up on waiting for her to reveal her motive, lately her still presence had taken up residence in the edge of his awareness. She had not shown him anything, but he understood why she was there. Soon she would be gone...

"He's gone," he told her. "He went to Tokyo this morning."

"I know."

"What do you want me to do?"

"Nothing..."

"But ... he's the Sakurazukamori..."

"Yes," she confirmed. "And even if you did have the power to change that I wouldn't want you to. He has a job to do. Maybe even his last job..."

This answer irritated Kamui. In spite of the pain, fear, resentment, and anger he felt towards the Sumeragi he still... There was still a large part of affection and gratitude to be reckoned with. He didn't want to know that Subaru might slip through his fingers and fall into a tragedy which Kamui despite his desire could not effect for better or worse. "Then why are you here?" he demanded hotly. "What do you want?"

"I never got to express how much I loved him. How much I loved both of my grandchildren. I tried before the end, but he would not listen. He's wrapped himself up so tightly he can't hear."

"Do you want me to bring him here?" Kamui suggested.

"No."

"Then, do you want me to tell him?" There was little chance that would be a good idea, and it was not something Kamui wanted to do either, but it was a simple enough conclusion.

"No."

"...you ... you just wanted to show someone how much you loved him?"

She looked up sadly from the window and their eyes met. Bright, solid purple ones to a soft translucent gray.

"That is isn't it? You weren't trying to save him at all. You weren't showing me these things because you wanted me to understand how to help him, you just want someone to see."

"There's no future between you two."

"I want to help him."

Lady Sumeragi scowled at him with her eyes. "Don't be foolish, undo what he is and--"

"I didn't mean I wanted to save him from the Sakura," Kamui corrected her. "I just want to help him. I don't want him to die without knowing the truth."

She shook her head calmly, strands of hair as straight and fine as tassels sliding off her shoulder and onto her breast. "It's no coincidence that your paths have crosses again."

"But I don't know how to even start. He's so damn cynical, he makes me feel guilty about even wanting to help."

"There are things that you only realize after Shirou-san. Subaru-san's soul is farsighted, he sees best what is not in front of him. As long as you remain committed to him, he will not see you."

"So he'll only notice how much I love him after I'm gone? What good will that do anyone?"

"What is your love like?" she asked out of the blue. A very uncharacteristic question for the so reserved Sumeragi matron.

"Excuse me?"

"How you love is much more important than who you love Shirou-san. Don't love coldly and don't love desperately either. The people you love will enter and leave your life at random. If your love is linked to them you'll never be happy. Instead love contently without expectations, without demands and no matter who you love they'll always make you happy."

"How does Subaru love Sumeragi-sama?"

"I wouldn't be the one who could answer that."

The gazebo was in a forgotten place on campus, sheltered by overgrown trees and brush. It had fallen into disrepair years ago when the student activities building had been renovated and traffic had shifted away from this part of campus. But the tall elegant columns and stone roof were built to be stable and timeless.

Kamui didn't mind the fact that he had to climb through three feet of brush to get there. He didn't mind that the ivy was busy strangling the tall ivory colored marble columns. He didn't mind that the stone seats could be dirty and that fall leaves collected under the table.

Because it was theirs. It was the one place where he and Subaru could be alone.

Subaru seemed to work awfully hard to satisfy Kamui and it was something that even then struck Kamui as more of a penance than affection. But he didn't dare speak of it. He rarely even allowed himself to acknowledge the reality, it was simply too painful. Much easier to think that Subaru cared for him. Far better that Subaru at least pity him. Anything but the truth. Anything at all but that. He didn't want to think, he didn't want to believe ... he didn't want to know that he could be so close to Subaru and Subaru still didn't see him at all.

"When I was the Dragon of Heaven you saw me clearer than anyone. You understood me the way that no one ever did. But when I was just the boy in your arms you didn't see me at all did you? When I was just Kamui, not 'the' Kamui or 'the' seventh seal... You had no idea how much I loved you. It came as a total surprise didn't it? You only saw me when I was removed from you. You were blind to everything that tried to break the isolation between you and the world..."

There was little intimacy between them, even as they trembled in the shelter and ecstasy of each other's arms. Little connection but lots of need. And pulsating excitement that maybe if a stray student wondered around this abandoned place and they were caught in the act Subaru might be forced to see. That was a dim hope really but it made their relations all the more pleasurable.

The stone table was always cold, the texture of the marble's grain caressed his senses ... a much stronger aphrodisiac than he gave it credit for. His legs tightened around Subaru, trying to pull the other's body closer as if closeness was the key to intimacy. And then he fell away, limps dropping on the table with a hard 'thump'. The stone radiated a tiny bit of warmth from the flush of his skin, but this did not stop the fresh chill from making his body pliant against the surface as if he might melt into it.

"Don't fall asleep, you have class," Subaru reminded. His voice as easy and gentle as it ever was. They shared one last soft satisfied kiss between them, before Subaru slid off the table and onto one of the benches.

"Yeah.." Kamui replied, still staring vacantly at the large sculpted dome.

Subaru slapped his leg playfully, "come on, pull yourself together."

He made a little sound of protest but nevertheless pushed himself off the table and 'pulled himself together' so to speak, zipping up his pants, tucking in his shirt, and straightening his tie. He came to sit on the edge of the table with his feet swinging lazily in the air. "Good?"

"Not if you walk back in with that lazy smile on your face." Subaru ruffled his hair in an attempt to put it back in order. "You still look like you just got lucky."

"Mmmmm..." Kamui wrapped his arms around Subaru's neck and buried his face in the man's chest. "Luck has nothing to do with it."

"Yes well ... the others will wonder."

"Phhtttt," Kamui sighed. "Who cares? If anyone has a problem I'll blow them up."

"Dazzle them with your social skills why don't you? Come on ... you have to go."

"Fuck it, I'm cutting ... it's not like I'm learning anything. The teachers don't even feel like teaching anymore."

"Is that so?"

"Too many people to mourn ... even the most traditional ones are starting to see the futility in carrying on in the face of tragedy when more people die each day."

"And what are you going to do if not in class?"

"This," Kamui smiled indicating his current position with mischief.

"Uhhh, no you're not. I've got a job today."

Kamui made a soft disappointed clicking soft with his tongue. "Awww ... come on Subaru."

His reluctance was not completely honest. He wanted to hold on to the blissful after glow of this moment because in it it was so easy to forget his troubles. A part of him could not help thinking that staying with Subaru was the same as staying with this feeling.

"You shouldn't be missing class," the Sumeragi's resolve was wavering.

"It's only one, and I'll get my assignments from Keiichi later... please?" He added a few snuggles in hope that might make his case more convincing.

"Well I have an hour or so before I have to go, we could get something to eat. But then you have to find your own way back onto campus."

Yes!

"Maiko," Kamui greeted, swaying his feet side to side on his bed cheerfully. It was Kamui's usual bitter and sarcastic cheerfulness. He hoped she picked up on that.

She had traded in her normal uniform for an oversized t-shirt and a pair of loose pants. But she could not hide her pregnancy for long could she? Eventually she would start to show in a way that would be obvious no matter how big the clothes got. He could not help the twitch of dark glee that crept up with that knowledge. And if he could not act according to his desires he would make damn well sure everyone knew his spite.

Unfortunately, Maiko by this point was used to Kamui's mood swings, and being the subject of his hostility when he was in a less than reasonable mood. She thought nothing of his attitude. "Good morning Kamui, how are you today?"

"Peachy."

"You sure seem to be," she answered brightly. "What's the matter? Did Subaru make you clean the windows again?"

"No," Kamui replied icily, although Subaru was merely carrying out her wishes he was far from Kamui's good graces.

"I keep telling him that someone in your physical condition shouldn't be doing anything to tired you out," she commented as she fluffed his pillows and straighten up his room. More nervous work than anything that really needed to be done.

"I'm not that weak."

"Of course not, and while you have recovered nicely ... it's a little early for scrubbing 30 billion windows don't you think?"

Kamui snorted and stared out his own window, still sparkling from a week ago.

She wheeled his wheelchair out from the corner it had been left and placed her arms on either side of it as if she was presenting a person. "Well are you ready to say goodbye to this?"

He gave in to a startled blink and gazed sadly at the ancient thing. "What? Already?"

"Yukirou-san said you're strong enough to make it through the day without it. I figure we might as well put it back into storage."

That chair had undoubtedly carried many of ailing and injured Sumeragis. His gaze shifted inevitably to the figure across the room with her pale hair blowing in a soft but ever constant imaginary wind. He couldn't help feeling that he was losing a link to something that was always just beyond his reach. A family.

The elegant reserved woman looked up from her mediation and their eyes meet once again. She nodded, for she had said all that she had to say and there was no reason for either of them to hold onto the other anymore.

"Yeah.." Kamui said distantly. "Yeah I'll be fine without it." His fingers ran delicately over the old wooden armrests. 'Goodbye. Goodbye and thank you. May your soul finally find peace.'

"Well get up and dressed," Maiko said over her shoulder. "And when I come back I'll bring you breakfast."

Sadly the absence of her reminded him of his own void in his life. No father, no mother, no family ... not by blood or other connection. He was truly alone in the world. Though he had Subaru, a lover or a friend or adversary or even a guardian (whichever Subaru felt like being for the time) could not replace the feeling of real family.

But it was something he was not destined to have he supposed.

"Well Kamui-san, what would you like to eat?"

He shrugged as he finished off the last few buttons on his shirt. "I dunno ... whatever I guess. Hey-- How have you been feeling?"

"Aa," she smiled. "I was pretty sick, but I think I'll be fine now. I apologize for appearing at work in such unprofessional attire, but my uniform has been damaged beyond repair, for now this will have to do."

"Yeah," Kamui hummed. "Morning sickness must be a bitch."

He watched her jump and stand stiffly facing away from him from the corner of his eye. "You..." she mumbled. "He told you, or is it that obvious?"

"He told me and swore me to secrecy," he grunted. "can't say I'm happy about it."

"No one asked you to be happy about it."

"That's pretty much what he said. But you can't hide this forever--"

"Of course I can," she snapped. "Not from the world no, but I can hide it from the right people." Her denial was fierce. Their conversation was far too quick and sharp for courtesy.

"He comes around here. Maybe not as often as he'd like. But he lives on the estate and eventually he's going to drop by and notice you're pregnant," Kamui told her, the two of them still facing away from each other. "I doubt he'll believe you're the promiscuous type."

She laughed, "give me more credit than that Kamui. I'm leaving for Tokyo in a month."

Kamui blinked and then turned to stare at her hidden form. "Tokyo?"

"There's a good adoption agency there. In a month it will be too difficult to hide it so I'll go there for the rest of the term and have the baby. Then I'll come back here."

"Why Tokyo?"

"It's the mourning city," she said softly. "So many people have lost their loved ones, I'm hoping that they'll find a family that will love him there. If I can give one couple who grieve for the lost a new start then it might not be such a bad thing."

She might not feel like she was abandoning her child so much.

"Maiko ... if you want to keep it..."

"I haven't got much of a choice Kamui, grow up here? Without any real family? And everyone will wonder who the father is--"

"I'll do it."

She shifted her weight and turned her body to look curiously at him. "You'll do what?"

"Tell them I'm the father. It won't be any less of a scandal but you'll get to keep him and you'll still protect the real father."

She folded her arms over her chest and turned away from him again, shaking her head lightly. "Don't sacrifice yourself for me Kamui, I couldn't give this child a happy life anyway. Besides it's not what you want."

"Maybe it is."

"What about your deal with Sumeragi-san?"

Oh yeah, that.

"I could tell everyone you're the father, but I still couldn't keep him. I can't raise him by myself and a father that will be dead in a few months won't do him any good will it?"

"I suppose not."

"If I keep this child he will be born into the service of the Sumeragis as I was, which is by no means a bad life. But what consequences will I be unleashing on this house if this child thinks his father was murdered by the same person he is to serve? Don't you see? It's no good.

"It's sweet of you Kamui. I really appreciate the offer, but as long as the child stays here someone's going to suffer."

Honestly how many stubborn people could fate fit into one household?

"Someone's going to suffer no matter what!"

She nodded, "that's true..."

"So why not do what's best for the child? Or what's best for yourself... Or--"

"Kamui," she said sternly. "This isn't your problem."

Why was it that all the things he wished he had the power to change were not the ones he was given jurisdiction over?

Time spent in trees was best used pushing away the world. Bathing in the warm sunlight, wishing a way all thought, all desire, all hope. Wasn't Buddha born under a tree? Maybe if he could reach great enlightenment he could escape all that haunted him in his dreams. Even the sound of birds chirping happily in the tree was unpleasant to him.

Jarring vibrations knocked him from his meditation and almost from the tree itself as the trunk and branches quivered below him.

"Hey, Shirou!"

Oh God no... Well he couldn't avoid two Sumeragis at once, he suppose it was only a matter of time before he had to bury all that troubled him and hope that Daichi's uncanny perception didn't root him out.

"Hi," he smiled.

"What did you get stuck up there?"

"No ... it's just nice and quiet." He could not help noticing the overnight bag Daichi had slung over his shoulder. "Where have you been?"

"Tokyo."

What the hell was with people and that city?

He flipped down beside him quiet effortlessly. "Oh yeah, what for?"

"Messages," Daichi indicated to the package in his hand. "Because no one in this goddamn family has ever heard of email. I mean really even the Buddhists are wired now'ar days. Do you know how much shit there was about getting Subaru a pager but when we were young ... a pager! But I suppose if they did get with the times I wouldn't had a job."

Daichi Sumeragi was the family's courier, a job that Lady Sumeragi had given to him to make use of the fact that he insisted on riding his motorcycle all over the country anyway. So he might as well carry messages between the religious clans of Japan.

"Let me tell you something though," Daichi rubbed his head with a chuckle. "I thought our family was uptight. The Magami family gives me the creeps."

Kamui's steps faltered a bit as he walked along side of the other. He tried to feign ignorance for the time being but he didn't know how believable that was. "Magami?"

"Yeah ... I suppose it figures, but are they ever arrogant sometimes. Way too much honor in that family for things to be good."

"And they're still in Tokyo?"

Daichi shrugged, "yup, they kind of go along with the capital. The government is their biggest client after all."

"What's the family like? Do they have a big estate like the Sumeragis' or what?"

Daichi looked at him in a way that was vaguely suspicious. A simple notation that he realized by the way Kamui bounced as he stepped that something was up but that he didn't feel it would threaten him any enough to warrant concern. "Why the interest in the The Me-gimmes?"

"My mother was a Magami."

Kamui had the satisfaction of actually catching Daichi off guard in such a way that the older man didn't know whether to be sincerely sorry that he had been poking fun at the clan or commiserating with Kamui for being born to such a family. "Does that make you a Kagenie?"

Kamui shrugged, "maybe a potential one, I think there's a lot of ritual involved that I don't know. Sometimes I wonder if that's why my mother ran away to have me. I mean the Magamis knew about Hinoto's prophecies, they would have had to. It wasn't like they wouldn't believe her or that they would find any shame in it. I wonder sometimes if she didn't want me raised in their traditions, and then I wonder why that was ... and how the future would have been different had I grown up there."

"Well," Daichi sighed as they wandered in the general direction of the main house. "I think all children feel at least some of the time that their parents are horribly abusive monsters that ruined their life for one thing or another. There could be a specific reason, or it could just be plain resentment. If you want my advice--"

"Of course."

"I wouldn't get all excited about there being some concrete reason she didn't want you to be a Magami. Most people get very neurotic when it comes to the task of raising children, it was probably just resentment for her own life."

Kamui laughed, "you didn't know my mother. There was always some divine reason for everything. Like who I turned out to be in the end was all in the details."

"Oh I'm not saying she didn't believe there was something specific she was running from. She probably did... So ... is Subaru home?"

"Maybe ... hard to tell."

"And what does that mean?"

"Well that house is still standing and all the windows are actually intact. If this was not the case I'd say he was definitely home. But this is anybody's guess, he could be sleeping."

Daichi snickered, "Not to worry Shirou, one of these days when we're all old and gray Subaru will learn not to take himself so seriously. Until then..."

"Yeah?"

"Well ... we'll just have to kick his ass a little, coming?"

He felt, and he really couldn't help feeling, that maybe he had gotten involved with the wrong Sumeragi. "Always."

"Not one for missing a good ass kicking myself either," he winked softly as he threw open the door and hollered "YO Subby, you home?"

Subaru looked up from his newspaper and his cigarette with a cynical curiosity that made him seem ten times more grumpy and bitingly sarcastic than he probably was. "No," he said with a puff of smoke. "I'm not, try back in an hour."

"Awww ... isn't he so cute in his natural environment Shirou-kun? Maybe we should find him a mate and breed him in captivity," he announced as he flopped down on the couch next to Subaru. "Mission completed sir."

"That's nice," Subaru commented vacantly, his thoughts returning to his paper. "Why are you telling me?"

"Cause you're the current sucker-- I mean clan head."

Subaru shrugged, "I haven't had any authority in a long time. Best report to whoever sent you on the errand."

"Right right, actually I did ... I just came by because I missed harassing you."

"Mmmm... in that case I look forward to the day when you are not so easily amused. How many more days of freedom left?" Subaru asked.

"Too many," Daichi grinned. "The younger kids are in a pool to see how much pimping I can do before I tie the knot ... next time Shu-chan comes around tell him you want in."

"How much ..." Kamui trailed off with a slightly embarrassed twitch.

"Nah-uh, no cheating ... you think just because you saved the world you get special treatment?"

Kamui used this perfect opportunity to shoot Subaru the nastiest glare possible, "Oh no ... not at all."

Subaru was, no surprise, ignoring him. "I hope for your fiancée's sake this is some of your grossly inappropriate humor."

But hey knock up few more women and we'll have a support group at least.

"Oh Subby, do you really believe that I would betray the love of my life whose affection I have finally secured?"

Kamui. Wanted. To. Vomit.

"That reminds me," Daichi announced turning his head turning his head towards Kamui. "I trust you'll be along to keep Subaru subdued?"

"Eh? What? Me?" Not to mention subdued? How was he supposed to managed that? Follow him around with a tranquilizer gun?

"Sure ... can't have him murdering relatives that I may need money from one day."

"Right," Subaru rolled his eyes. "I'll be in the kitchen if you need me."

Daichi nodded without much attention. "yeah if our grouchy levels fall critically low we'll call..."

It occurred to Kamui that this might be the perfect time to let a little something slip to alert suspicions.

"So what do you say Shirou? It's a family affair, but I think you're pretty much like family. The swanky fancy invitations were sent out months ago, but you can come anyway."

"I dunno."

"Come on, you'd be witnessing the beginning of the exciting mystical life of Daichi Sumeragi husband and father of 300."

301, Kamui's bitter conscious corrected silently. "I don't know, ask Subaru."

Daichi frowned, "what's that suppose to mean?"

"It means I don't know if I want to go, Subaru hasn't told me yet."

In all fairness he was playing up to the nature of their agreement more than he normally would have. But hey, Subaru never said he couldn't tell Daichi about their relationship. And he knew enough to know that secrets under pressure tend to pop when inquiry hits upon something related. "So ideally I wouldn't be the best person to keep Subaru in line really..."

"Wait ... just wait, let's start from the beginning ... why can't you go?"

Kamui sighed as if this was the most obvious thing in the world and why wasn't Daichi getting it? "Subaru tells me what I want. I'll have to check with him first."

"Right ... that's what I thought you were getting at." Daichi wasn't kidding around anymore, he looked Kamui over a few times as if trying to gage his seriousness. "Subaru? Come out here a minute please?"

"Yeah?"

"Honestly Subby, I know as clan head you must hold up time honored traditions but I did not think concubines were one of them."

Subaru blinked at him.

"I'm not his concubine," Kamui corrected. "I just don't know what I want until Subaru tells me."

From the look of dull annoyance in Subaru's eyes Kamui realized at once this was not going to work. Subaru didn't care if Daichi found out, he didn't care that Kamui was angry at him for ordering his silence. He was just annoyed that he had been dragged into the wedlock mess in the first place.

"Okay ... if you two like to play sex slave games, far be it from me to stop you. But confine it to the bedroom please. This is kind of disturbing."

"I'm not his sex slave," Kamui continued. "We haven't had sex."

Daichi stared "Is he serious or are you two fucking with my head?"

"Oh he's serious," Subaru confirmed.

"That's sick..." he snatched his jacket off the hook and threw it on angrily. "That's fucking sick."

The door followed him with a harsh slam.

"Well," Subaru said dryly. "That could have gone better."

It was significantly later, and Kamui had almost come to believe he had gotten away with it, when he walked passed Subaru's bedroom and the other shoe fell. "Kamui."

"Eh?"

Subaru motioned with his hand, "come here."

The Sumeragi was reclined on his bed, room smelling of fresh cigarettes, his shirt off and thrown to points unknown. Kamui had seen Subaru like this before, he was not intimidated by it but there was something in the onmyouji's eyes that was ... unsettling.

"That was a cute stunt you pulled today. Can you think of one good reason why I shouldn't beat you within an inch of your life?"

Kamui froze, not even within his darkest suspicions about the man did he ever think that Subaru would...

"Because it would be wrong."

"Well yes, it would be," Subaru nodded. "Which is why I won't do it, but I was discounting that seeing as you have such a low opinion of me. Can you think of another?"

"Subaru I don't necessarily think poorly of you..."

"Well you certainly have a funny way of showing it."

"I just wanted..."

"To get your way about everything I know," Subaru sighed. "And honestly, first you ask me to kill you then you make me out to be some slave master. I don't know why you are so determined to make me the villain for your constant need to be victimized, but it seemed to me that the person you're decided I am would beat you within an inch of your life for such crap ... maybe cut off a finger or two, what do you think?"

"I didn't mean to--"

"So I've been sitting here trying to figure out something. If that's the type of person I am to you, why would you do something so unbelievably stupid and risk the repercussions? Obviously there's a reason why this Subaru you know would not punish you brutally for what you did. But I just can't think of one.

"Of course I don't know this person, so I figured maybe I'd ask you."

Kamui swallowed the lump in his throat. He was far from relieved, the look about Subaru's eyes was curious but unfeeling as if he might really...

"Maybe ... maybe Kamui wants the pain."

"Maybe he thinks Subaru is just too stupid to do anything about it," Subaru shot back.

"Maybe Kamui just wants to know how Subaru feels."

"He could ask," Subaru suggested.

"He did once."

"Not with words," he countered.

"Actions speak better than words anyway."

"They do..." his hands cupped Kamui's face and pulled his closer. "Are your actions lying to me Kamui? Do you want me to hurt you?"

"Maybe..." Kamui trembled.

"I don't believe that. No one seriously wants to be abused. And not even you are piteous and self-centered enough to be an exception."

"You wanted the Sakurazukamori to kill you," Kamui pointed out.

Subaru released him and pulled back a great measure. His expression was surprised but otherwise unreadable. "Is that what this is about?"

"Not really," Kamui mumbled, his eyes had fallen downcast upon the covers of Subaru's bed. "I just wanted to know that you don't love me. I'm sick of wondering."

The light touch of Subaru's lips showed nothing of his true intentions. The whole incident was too maddening not to be cruel. Which part of him was playing the fool? The side that wanted to believe that Subaru had merely buried inconvenient feelings long ago and left because if not a Dragon of either side he was another senseless casualty to further break Kamui's heart? And only now were those affections surfacing, rising from the deep green sea in which they were smothered and floating carelessly about like it was no offensive that for a time they had been denied by the Sumeragi. It was such a silly reason in the vile way it hijacked logic and perverted it to Kamui's liking. But the otherside, which dutifully warned him of the manipulative and cruel nature of the Sakurazukamori, was not completely satisfying either. True Subaru might be using him for his own amusement, but why? Could his path through hell really have changed him so much? Subaru's two hands held him firmly and Kamui's own conflicting thoughts forced him into a pliant and accepting indecision. He kissed back timidly as if only buying himself more time to decide whether he wanted to embrace this.

"You're so melodramatic Kamui," Subaru sighed. "Stay here tonight."

Kamui bit his lip. "What if I don't want to?"

A warm trail of air curled into his ear with a soft 'shhing' sound that made him shiver.

"Subaru wouldn't like that," Subaru said softly, playing along the hypothetical. The imaginary Subaru certainly wouldn't care whether Kamui wanted to stay or not, but what about the real Subaru? Did he care?

"We've never done this before," Kamui noted, looking slightly innocent as Subaru's capable fingers ran down his arms like careless raindrops. He tried to convince himself that he had to fight. If he wanted the truth, he was going to have to force it out of Subaru. That would require sacrifices, and this was one of them. He was going to have to be strong, even if he didn't have much strength left. And if pursuing this got him killed, well it wasn't as if he would miss this life anyway.

"Are you okay?" Subaru's voice was soft and gentle in his ear. Like cool air on his senses. He tried not to let it disturb him much, he knew that the years that had passed had given Subaru the time to refine his own will until it was like the solid, tall wall Kamui had to find a way to scale now. He knew that Subaru would not make this easy for him, that he would not give him the rough, ugly answer he wanted, but a gentle, pleasant lie.

"I can take it," he told Subaru.

"You don't have to you know," Subaru's lips were just barely at his neck and he could feel his skin just below those lips tingle with anticipation. "You said so yourself you're not my concubine."

"I can take it," Kamui snapped again. Don't you dare try to trap me here Sumeragi...

Subaru didn't press the matter further than that, but he smiled and Kamui wanted to hit him.

"If you want me to stop, just say the word." Subaru's fingers were petting his hair lightly. "I mean that ... at any time."

"Can I go back to my room?"

"No," Subaru nuzzled his shoulder. "You have to at least stay."

So he had to spend the night but he didn't necessarily have to have sex with him. It was comforting, but when Kamui felt on the edge of a complete breakdown it was not enough. He couldn't do this now, he couldn't handle it now. He needed to go, to regroup, to remove himself from Subaru's deceptive charms so he could think this through clearly. The Sakurazukamori was never what he appeared to be...

Subaru knew this, since Subaru knew him better than anyone ever did. It was exactly why he would not let Kamui leave.

As his nerves jumped with pleasure at the kisses roaming down his neck Kamui made a little choked gasp and tried his best to pull himself together. He might never get another chance at this. Subaru might never let him so close again. He had to be strong.

Maybe Subaru was not the man Kamui thought he was. Maybe he was much worse...

Whatever you do ... don't fall in love with him, Kamui prayed. Please don't let me fall in love with him again...

To keep his sanity Kamui found himself focusing on the most unromantic sounds. The quiver of the bed against the wall. The slight sound Subaru made as he moved, slippery, wet, an almost sucking noise ... so soft one would not have normally noticed anything. But it was disgusting and dirty...

And it was all Kamui had.

"I'm amazed and altogether frightened by this man you think I am. How can you bear him?"

"I feel ... some what committed to him," Kamui answered. "I have lots of regrets about the way things have been, but I only have one uncertainty. Maybe I cling to it not because it's so important to me, but because it's all I have left."

"You should stop being so silly," Subaru reproved him with a soft stroke on Kamui's head. "You should speak more."

Kamui was stiff in his arms, fugitive tears escaping from his eyes, his back arched away from Subaru, arms hanging limply in the air as if half way in between hugged back. Despite his best intentions he let his chin rest on Subaru's shoulder and tired the focus on his breath rising slowly from his throat. His eyes stared off into space. "God," he sighed. "Why do you have to make it hurt so much?"

Subaru didn't answer, perhaps there was no answer at all. He lowered his head to the crook of Kamui's neck, inhaling his scent deeply and said nothing at all.

It was not the first time for them. There were many nights of tangled limbs and spent passions, the tadest bit of comfort riding up soft against their skin like a warm blanket. He had been happy then, not totally, completely, blissfully happy ... but happy in as much as he could be at the time, in the lives they were each living. And he had thought ... he was certain that Subaru cared for him. He was not so foolish to think of love, he was never quite that foolish. But he had been so sure...

In retrospect he thought their frequent liaisons were rather bizarre. It was never quite sex ... although Kamui would be hard pressed to say he was a virgin. It was everything else, but never reached that point. As if having sex was some unspeakable act of adulthood that they would only be able to make into a meaningless parody. But they did just about everything else imaginable, and some things that made Kamui wonder what dark places in his mind all these strange kinks came from.

And it was that quality of letting youthful innocence slip and sneaking sexual acts in that made the whole matter seem so adolescent. Harmless acts of sexual mischief, which were perhaps to be expected of Kamui, since he was 16. Maybe not from the man so much his senior, but still. There was nothing terribly unusual about a teenage boy giving and receiving sexual pleasures. Nor is there anything unusual about hearts that long but do not love, or of pleasure being sought without that love.

And yet, because of who he was ... because of who they both were, there was something ironic and out of place about the habit. The mindless patterns of teenagers having no purpose in the regal march of destiny.

That was partially the reason Kamui liked it so much. Because it was out of place. Because one did not expect the savior of the world to be rubbing eagerly and desperately against the body of his lover, moans on his lips...

There was something undignified about it.

He thought Subaru had cared.

He had been so sure..

He had been so wrong.

And he was not so weak. He was not so pathetic that this would break him. Subaru left and Kamui knew that he did not even hesitate to, and he accepted it and the days moved on. There was pain, but it was over shadowed by the work of keeping kekkais up. He thought little of Subaru then, less each day. And the days moved on and on and on, the Promised Day passed over Tokyo, and Fuuma died-- so quickly it surprised Kamui.

And before the end they had spoken, Fuuma and him. Quiet as whispers (when had Tokyo Tower become a sanctuary?), on the roof of the observation deck, blood puddled at the floor. He had said something ... something he did not remember now no matter how hard he tried. And he...

Woke up nine years later.

It did not bother him that Subaru did not care for him. He had come to accept that. But he could not help harboring feelings for the man. Nine years had past for the onmyouji and the world ... but to Kamui it had only been a little more than two weeks since Subaru had been revealed as the Sakurazukamori and a Dragon of Earth to boot

The wounds were still fresh. And they ached mercilessly when Kamui awoke and found out that it was Subaru's home where he had been kept all this time. Kamui thought maybe, maybe he had misunderstood after all. And it was a glimmer of hope like a knife blade used to torment him.

The first thing Subaru wanted to do was send him away.

Sometimes Subaru would do or say things that made Kamui think ... maybe... just maybe. Sometimes he did the opposite. And being jerked around like the puppet on the finest threads of hope was torture..

Love and Death are two bitter crimes, and they share more similarities than the poetics suggest. The most merciful way to kill someone is quick and finally. For each hope of survival on a fatal wound will only serve to prolong the pain of dying. The most merciful way to break someone's heart is to shatter it at once, leaving no traces of hope or doubt.

No room to wonder... what if?

What if...?

What if...?

Whatifwhatifwhatifwhatifwhatifwhatifwhatif????

What if I had done this... or if I had not... or had said.

Might he then have loved me?

What if Kamui had been more mature? What if he had tried harder to heal Subaru's wounds as Subaru had nursed his? What if he had been a better kamui? Certainly if he had prevented Fuuma from taking Subaru's eye then there would be no eye to give in the first place. And logically Kamui knew that if not an eye than something else... but that hardly seemed to matter in the face of the daunting question.

If I had stopped it, we would have at least had more time. And then might he not have learned to love me? With just a little more time... Might I not have nested somewhere in his heart?

Kamui felt like a daisy, petals being slowly plucked out one by one, Subaru chanting "I love you... I love you not... I love you...I love you not...". Each limb ripped from him bringing excruciating pain and the ever present wonder of what the final result would be... and if when the verdict of the final petal came down, whether he would still be able to care.

He didn't know if he wanted to die. Death now would be pointless. But was there anything to live for really? All he had was this glimmer of hope connected to Subaru, when that was gone ... they'd be no point to living either.

So he thought ... Let me get an answer ... and let it be final

And what was more final than death?

Hindsight is 20/20, foresight is always blind and mentally impaired. At the time it had seemed so easy, he'd ask Subaru to kill him. Subaru as the Sakurazukamori would have no objection to murder by itself, which meant that he either cared for him and refused, or did not and accepted.

Adding to the allure of the plan was the simple fact that murder is murder. Not something that can be misinterpreted.

Or so he thought.

It never occurred to him that Subaru might say "I won't kill you because you're worthless to me." It had never occurred to him, although it probably should have.

In his head it had all been so simple.

Apparently Subaru's love was pained and lonely, filled with more guilt than joy. His love was like a scar on him, a tangible gouge in the flesh. A mark that was there forever. And yet his love was also scared, timid, innocent and terribly terribly bashful. It took Kamui a long time to see this love in the man and to understand that these variety of emotions did in fact connect into some intelligible working whole.

His own life was flurry of such things. So many different wants and goals, sometimes contradictory, somehow they all fit into a working whole of what he wanted. What he really really wanted. It was something beyond knowing whether Subaru cared for him, not as pure as wanting to heal Subaru's considerable scars, yet not as shallow as wanting Subaru to love him. And still ... it was all of these things too.

If life were fair, things would be much easier to figure out then this. But Kamui had learned long ago that life was not fair and if he wanted things to come out even remotely in his favor, he needed to work twice as hard as anyone else.

"Subaru..." he addressed the pair of arms slung around his waist tenderly in the night.

"Mmm?"

Subaru's room was dimly lit with a soft cream colored moonglow that clung to the edges of the furniture and the ripples in the sheets covering them. It cast this subtle calm over a room that was normally so intimidatingly dead. Kamui felt more comfortable here at night then in the morning when the shadows melted back into the walls and he could see every sharp empty detail.

"Next time you go to Tokyo ... I want you to take me with you."

He heard Subaru shift behind him, presumably sitting up on his elbows, inviting Kamui to turn and speak with him face to face.

Kamui didn't turn around. He wasn't sure why, perhaps some petty side of him wanted Subaru to want him to turn around...

"Why would you want to go back there?"

It was true that Tokyo was the last place on Earth he ever wanted to see again. The streets and districts had been charged with so much of his loss and bitterness, he couldn't help growing to hate the city in only a matter of months. "I have something I want to do there."

"What might that be?"

"Sightseeing Subaru, what else do people do in Tokyo?" he drawled out sarcastically. "Oh and maybe I'll knock down a building or two."

"Mmmm... no."

Well perhaps sarcasm was not the best way to warm the Sumeragi's heart to the idea. Kamui rolled over and tried his best 'innocent-but-not-entirely-manipulative-puppy-eyes' on Subaru, which he really didn't expect to work but it was slightly less exhausting than whining it out of the onmyouji. "Please? I'll make it up to you."

Subaru raised an eyebrow. There was so much criticism loaded in that one gesture it almost hurt. "And how do you plan to do that?"

Kamui slid himself into Subaru's lap. "Oh ... I have some ideas," he murmured in between kisses.

"Well in that case..." now it was Subaru's turn to be sarcastic, although he didn't push Kamui off the bed and that was always a good sign. "Why do you want to go?"

"I want to see someone."

"Who?"

Drat, he was edging dangerous close to the truth here. He didn't want Subaru to know because he didn't want to share his secret with Subaru. It was his prize, something he had longed for all his life. Now that he had a chance to find it, he didn't want to share it with Subaru. "Um ... Yuzuriha."

If it were at all possible to facefault when one was lying in bed... Subaru blinked, "Yuzuriha?"

Kamui nodded.

"Our Yuzuriha ... the one with the Ginzo-Lassie? That Yuzuriha?"

"How many other Yuzuriha's do you know?"

"None, but I'm curious as to what brings this sudden urge to see her. Is she even still living in Tokyo?"

"I dunno. Which one of us was in a coma here?"

"Well," Subaru said. "That really depends who you ask."

Kamui leaned over the nibbled on Subaru's ear, lightly touching a few of a spots where Subaru liked to be touched at least on a physical level. "Please?"

Subaru made an appreciative little grunt and opened himself up to more of Kamui's ministrations. "This sudden interest in Tokyo wouldn't have anything to do with Maiko's baby would it?"

"Actually, no. Although I wish she weren't going to give it up," Kamui sighed and rested his head on Subaru's shoulder. "It's so sad..."

"Well I convinced her to have it here at least."

"Eh?" Kamui blinked. "How'd you manage that?"

"I said 'you're not going to Tokyo by yourself to have that child in god's knows where, you're staying here'. And she said 'Yes Sumeragi-san' and that was it."

"Aaa ... it's good to be the king." Kamui laughed.

"Well that and I pointed out that if she disappeared for a few months it will only make people more suspicious than if she stayed here. And the rumors and assumptions would probably be worse. I promised her that we'd do our best to keep her secret."

"You have to convince her not to give up that child Subaru..." Kamui came to lie on Subaru's stomach, looking up desperately at him. Soft thread of his fine dark hair curving down into his eyes, the violet irises looking dark and haunting but carrying a very childlike expression. "She'll regret it."

"She'll regret it, or you'll regret it?"

Kamui stiffened and stared aghast at Subaru. The idea was just too insulting, but not entirely untrue either.

When the moment of shock passed he turned sadly away and curled up a little tighter in his brooding. "Maybe... maybe both."

Subaru sat up, nudging Kamui's head into his lap. One hand came to rest upon the task of working the tension out of the other's shoulder, the other brushed through Kamui's long airy soft hair. Kamui gave way to a sad little sigh and drew himself up further.

"What troubles you so much?" Subaru asked.

"I don't know ... I feel almost like this child is me, but I know for certain I can't let him go." He sighed heavier and for a second Subaru wondered if he might cry. "And when I wonder why that is, my head is filled with the most horrible thoughts Subaru."

"What kind of thoughts?"

"Like ... maybe I'm just projecting my own pain on to this child. Like maybe adoption is the best thing for him. Maybe I just want him to stay because I've never had a family of my own. Maybe I'm just jealous that his mother wants to give him a shot at happiness and normalcy when my mother just ran away and kept me locked away from the world."

His words became progressively shakier and faster. Spilling from his lips like some desperate last confession, as he trembled a little under their weight. Kept inside these dark thoughts were dormant and tamed, once spoken they were wild and shameful. Guilt that he might not have felt over them he suffered to with admitting it all.

"Maybe I don't want to let this child be any happier than I was as a child. Oh Subaru..." He rolled over to stare up at the Sumeragi, his eyes now filled with tears. "What sort of person am I? To be thinking such things and trying to mask them with good intentions..."

"But you feel bad about those thoughts, doesn't that count for anything Kamui?"

"Maybe by itself ... but I've done so much in the past. I killed my best friend in cold blood and you know what Subaru? For a moment there on Tokyo Tower I wanted to, for a moment I was really happy when his blood was twisting down the blade of my Shinken."

"No one in this world or any other could blame you for that Kamui, think about what he did to you."

"But what he did for me far outweighed what he did to me Subaru. He gave up his soul for me ... it was what I wished for but it was one of those dark thoughts I wouldn't let myself hear. I wished for the burden of kamui to be pushed on to someone else Subaru..." He was in tears now. Hot trails of salt water wandering down his face. But the heat was hardly comforting. "I wished ... and because of me he-- What kind of person has a wish like that Subaru?"

"More people than I'm sure you understand had they been given your lot in life Kamui. You couldn't have known the effect of your wish, just as I couldn't have known the effect of mine."

"I want to let this go. I don't want to ruin anyone else's life because I'm a selfish, horrible person. But I just can't ... this haunts me Subaru. I try not to think about it, but I can't..."

"In time even the unforgettable fades, you owe it to yourself not to interfere this time Kamui."

He sniffled a wiped the remaining tears from his face urgently as if afraid someone might walk in and find out he was crying. "I always thought you were one of those follow your heart people, Subaru..."

"That's only when your heart knows what to do Kamui."