People wonder sometimes what it's like sleep with Subaru. Okay... maybe more wonder what it's like for Subaru sleeping with a kamui, but that's really not the point. That's not a story I can tell, so why bother with it?
The first thought in your head is 'Oh God what if Fuuma finds out?'. You are not too concerned about the Sakurazukamori, you lust for a chance to defeat him anyway. That ... that would be a welcome battle. But Fuuma... Fuuma would be different. Because Fuuma wouldn't be interested in...
Then he would be gone. You know this for a fact, if Fuuma knows than Subaru would be gone. On your most egotistical days it is because Subaru is dead, and others he just leaves ... but in any case, he's gone.
It's natural I'm told for people to fear the loss of their lovers. That this is in no way special or significant. It doesn't prove or dispel anything about our relationship together.
It starts as a simple touch, you think nothing of it. You do not allow yourself to think anything of it... Best not to mislead yourself. But as it wanders down your collar bone and into the soft valley of your chest your blood heats up and you think 'he's delirious... he doesn't know what he's doing'. But silently you hope that he does ... because you want him so much that you pray to gods you don't even believe in when he kisses you.
You bite your lip to keep from moaning out his name, somehow convinced that would be anything but a compliment to some one like him. You're really not at all suited to be his lover and certainly he knows this.
You wonder if he knows you can taste it. How badly you want this moment... How badly you want him. Even if you're not meant to be, even if it's wrong, even if it will put him in danger.
What's most frightening to your conscience is that you have no idea why you want him so badly. In the face of all that should deter you away from wanting him like that, all that you risk. And you have never been a person who lusts for the threat of disastrous situations before. You find no thrill in risking everything you have left ... but all the same you want him.
There's no convenience available to explain this. You cannot say that it's simply a biological need because he is a man, like you. Is there anything biological about needing sex with a man? ... well ... some may say yes, but I have my doubts. And it still feels like an excuse.
In the heat of the raw physical pleasure, thankfully, such thoughts slip away from you. You become focused on being good ... for him sometimes ... and sometimes just in general. You follow his lead because you're young and inexperienced and you're not really sure what to think or do.
He smiles at you all the time, which is funny since he so very rarely smiles. When he looks at you it's funny ... he doesn't look at you like he looks at anything human. He looks at you like he's in awe of you, like you're something that deserves his awe in the first place. You kind of wonder what he sees that you don't, because the mirror reveals nothing glorious or awe inspiring about yourself. You see the same weak, contemptible, slightly effeminate body you see everyday.
Yet he smiles...
Yet he smiles and pets you, not like you're an animal ... not in a demeaning way, but like you're precious to him. Something so precious that if he must touch you he only allows himself the softest of pressure.
It doesn't take you long at all to notice that when you're with him like this he relaxes just a bit, he lets himself escape from his troubles just a bit, he has the same kind of attitude you imagine people in dreams have-- where they know their decisions don't really matter. And maybe that's why you let it happen again and again, and why you encourage it as much as he does. Because you hate to see how badly his personal crimes weigh him down. Because you have this fleeting wish that you could take all that pain away.
You think that if you could take that pain from him, even if you had to experience it yourself in retribution, it would be worth it. And suddenly, what it means to be the kamui becomes clear.
"Quit fidgeting," Subaru commanded, straightening out the layers of Kamui's kimono like an obsessive mother hen. Were it not that kimono's tended to make Kamui look even more effeminate (and were therefore evil evil things) Kamui might have relished in the attention. But his patience was shot and had been so the moment he had laid eyes on the elegant black silk kimono with the purple embroidering.
Someone had to be fucking with him...
"That," he had pointed at the accursed item, "is a woman's kimono."
Subaru had only given the article of clothing a brief glance as he helped Kamui get dressed. Not that men's kimonos were especially difficult to get into, but he had been doing so since it was determined Maiko was too pregnant to work and it had become force of habit. Kamui had not recovered all of his dexterity yet, and probably never would, and had trouble with buttons or anything that required precise movements. After another casual glance to check that he had not accidentally laid out a woman's kimono for Kamui, Subaru concluded "no it's not."
"It has flowers on it," Kamui insisted.
"I'm sorry I know you'd prefer bloody crucifixes but none of those were in your size, plus the threading matches your eyes."
"Blarg, it's not manly..."
Subaru was amused but decidedly unsympathetic. "Get over it," he said with a ghost of a smile. "You only have to wear it for the ceremony. I don't like it anymore than you do but once all the old geezers have had their formality you can change."
Kamui glanced longingly at the other set laid out on his bed, a pair of long black dress pants and a white button down shirt.
"I thought you were our little nationalist, all for the traditional stuff," Subaru chided.
"I look like a girl," Kamui snorted.
"You look very pretty."
Kamui wasn't fooled, at any other time a compliment from Subaru would have made him the tiniest bit giddy in a silly childish way, but Subaru was doing it just to irritate him now. "I am not pretty!!!"
"Sure you are," Subaru replied, completely unfazed. "Why you over shadow the bride to be."
"...go to hell Subaru."
Subaru's own kimono was a subtle shade of off white with patterns of pink and green to compliment his fair skin tone and green eyes respectively. It was a bit fancier than Kamui's and had probably been made specifically for him. There were a few onmyouji type accessories along with it, but Kamui wasn't sure of their purpose other than possibly to signify his position among the clan.
"There now, all set. Let's go."
It was a beautiful day for a wedding. Warm, early spring, clear blue skies to highlight every other bright intoxicating color. They walked slowly together towards the main plaza of the Sumeragi estate where the ceremony was to be held. In no particular rush, the walk was almost like a stroll. Kamui's heart felt a little lighter and his nerves a little easier. And for the first time in a long time he truly felt comfortable and relaxed around Subaru.
Kamui had learned from experience that that was never a good sign. Whenever things got comfortable in his life he lost everything. When he finally adjusted to life outside of Tokyo his mother died sending him back. When he finally accepted the comfort of the Monou siblings the Dark Kamui awakened. When his heart was flooded with love and trust for Subaru...
Well ... he was waiting for the bottom to fall out.
"You're tense," Subaru said as a matter of fact. That he could tell this without a touch was a very Subaru element of him. Normally Subaru's spontaneous insights into Kamui's thought were more an admission of Subaru's own feelings. But he didn't look tense, rather he seemed more at ease than Kamui could recall seeing him. Was Subaru growing sincerely observant of Kamui's behavior or was it just really obvious?
"Ah ... a little." No use denying it.
"Why?"
Kamui shrugged, "things are good. They haven't been good in a real long time, makes me nervous."
Subaru nodded-- whether in agreement or understanding Kamui wasn't sure.
"And uh ... Subaru? ... I've never been to a wedding before. What do I do?"
"Nothing," Subaru supplied. "You sit, you look happy for the couple, you try not to fall asleep."
"Or make a fool of yourself."
"Of course not, that's for the reception."
A moment's or two pause, in which Kamui's fidgeting became slightly more pronounced.
"That's cute," Subaru smiled. "That you're nervous about it, it's adorable."
Kamui frowned and gave Subaru his best suspicious eyes. He had resigned himself to his fate of being 'cute' and 'pretty' for most of the day, although that didn't mean he was going to like it. "You're in an unusually good mood today."
"Am I?"
"Yeah ... what gives?"
Subaru shrugged, "not sure ... I hadn't noticed."
In record time Kamui bounded down the stairs in clothes that displayed his gender more to his liking. He had done a half way decent job too Subaru noted off hand, although he had apparently given up on the last two top buttons ... not that anyone would complain, it was an attractive look for him.
"Here," Subaru said, handing him a glass of milk with Kamui greeted with a wrinkle of his nose.
"What am I, a little kid?"
"Drink up shorty, it does a body good and all that." Subaru finished off his own glass of milk quickly while Kamui was still puzzling over it. "You'll thank me in the morning, trust me."
Not thrilled with the comment about his height, but satisfied with the harmlessness of the milk, Kamui gulped it down in one shot.
"If that's the way you drink maybe I should give you two glasses," Subaru commented evenly before they set out for the reception.
Kamui was just a little drunk.
Not much, although he couldn't really recall when Subaru had excused himself from their company or where he said he was going if he had said anything at all.
He had been sitting with Daichi and assorted other male Sumeragis listening to old family stories and shooting back whatever the wily Daichi Sumeragi put in front of him. Probably not a very smart thing to do, but hell it was only a short walk to the main house. And besides he sort of felt like he belonged here ... like he really was family.
It was a nice, happy, warm feeling.
Or was that the alcohol?
Subaru had left about the time they had started swapping stories about his innocent, awkward teenage years. Although Kamui had known Subaru through darker times he had a couple bumbling Sumeragi stories to share. Over the last couple of hours, if his sense of time was to be trusted, the conversation had swayed between the troubled clan head to other topics both of family and general concern. Kamui was trying to keep up but his mind was slowly slipping under the alcohol induced daze.
He was startled when Daichi tapped him on the shoulder, "I bet you could do it."
Kamui blinked, "eh? Do what?"
"Get Subaru to dance."
"Dance..." Kamui chewed on the word. "Dance ... me? Nahhh ... Subaru wouldn't, he's too shy."
Had he been a little more sober he would have thought that 'shy' wasn't the correct word, that Subaru was too stern and bitter to be shy. But in the blinding honesty of alcohol everything seemed so clear and 'shy' was the perfect word.
"I bet you could," Daichi insisted. And the other men of the table seemed to debate this topic in words that were jumbled in Kamui's head but sounded composed enough to be a news broadcast.
"5000 yen says he can," Daichi challenged the men of the table. "And without drugging him either."
Kamui listened intently to the doubtful murmuring of the table, noting that the proposal of a bet had hightened everyone's interest in the issue. Had money not been involved he doubted anyone would care.
"Well there you go, good luck Kamui ... I've got money on you."
It didn't take Kamui long to find Subaru in the crowd. He was after all standing by himself off to the side smoking and looking generally morose, a tell tale Subaru behavior. He wander clumsily over to the Sumeragi, wrapping his arms about his waist and nuzzling his back.
"Hey."
Subaru looked over his shoulder and murmured an appropriate greeting. Kamui wasn't sure whether his tone was favorable or not but ... what the hell.
He swung around Subaru and rested his head sweetly under the Sumeragi's chin. Frowning at the cigarette in Subaru's hand and said, "filthy, disgusting habit."
Subaru pulled away half surprised, half in repulsion. "So is drinking," he answered.
"Pfffftttt ... I'm not drunk."
"I definitely should have made you drink two glasses."
"Well ... maybe a little drunk."
"Just a little?"
Kamui nodded almost like he was very sleepy. Subaru took this on face value.
"Come on, I'll take you home."
The tiny grunt in Kamui's voice sounded more like a 'Narrrrrghh' than a 'No' but Subaru got the point.
"Dance with me," Kamui said.
"What?"
"Just one? Please? It will make you feel better."
"I feel fine," he was getting defensive which was a sure sign that he wasn't fine at all.
Kamui shook his head up against Subaru's chest. "Nuh-uh ... you're all sad. You look like you need a hug."
Subaru gave him one of those soft, ironic smiles. "Is a dance just like long hug?"
"Yeah," Kamui purred. "With music."
"Okay."
Even in his slightly intoxicated state this surprised Kamui. "Really?"
"Sure, if you dance by yourself in this state you might kill someone."
Kamui laughed as he pulled Subaru out into the crowd. "It's your civic duty Subaru..."
"Indeed."
Kamui didn't have the coordination to do much more than sway back and forth in Subaru's arms, which was all right with Subaru. It was kind of like a giant hug, in some profoundly cheesy way, with Kamui's arms strung around his neck and his head pressed to Subaru's shoulder. It was pleasant ... comforting, but it didn't really make him feel any better. If anything it made him feel worse.
"Be happy," Kamui scolded in the lightest of voices. "I just made 5000 yen, I'll treat you to ice cream."
Subaru chuckled, "lucky me..."
"Mmmmmmmmm," Kamui agreed. "Still mourning them?"
It was unnecessary to ask who 'them' were, it was a logical enough conclusion for Kamui to have reached all things considered. A part of him missed his sister dreadfully on family occasions like this, but... "That's not the problem."
"Then what is?"
"It's not important-- Ow!"
"Oops," Kamui giggled shyly in a way that told Subaru that was not the slightest bit accidental. "I've got two left feet, sorry. You were saying?"
Subaru frowned, his foot throbbing a little where Kamui's heel had come down hard and out of rhythm. "If I tell you, you'll have forgotten it in the morning."
"I'm not that drunk," Kamui protested weakly.
"We'll see..."
"Subaru?" Kamui's voice was distant as he hung on the edge of passing out.
"Yes?"
"You don't have to kill me if you don't want to ... I'll just stay here with you forever."
Subaru got very quiet after that.
"Subaru silly this isn't your room." Kamui looked around wide eyed and bewildered . The place was familiar yet he was having trouble placing it. Oh yes that's right this was...
"Yes it's your room."
"The bed's too small for both of us," Kamui pointed out helpfully.
"That's okay, you're sleeping here tonight, alone."
"Why?" Kamui pouted. "Don't you like me anymore?" Subaru had been practically carrying Kamui before and now the young man had made himself especially comfortable in Subaru's arms and was snuggling cutely in support of his case.
"You're going to be so sick tomorrow and I for one am not looking forward to getting thrown up on. So you sleep here tonight." He laid Kamui down on the bed only to find the former Dragon of Heaven wouldn't let go of him but instead was attempting to pull him down into bed with him. "Come on," Subaru prodded. "Let me go."
"I could have alcohol poisoning ... you shouldn't leave me alone," Kamui complained as Subaru slipped out of his arms.
"But you're only a little drunk," Subaru smiled.
"I changed my mind, I'm very very drunk, dead drunk ... they hooked the keg right into my veins."
"Uh-huh, how many fingers am I holding up?"
"Six," Kamui chirped, Subaru doubted he even bothered to look.
"Good night Kamui."
Kamui groaned and pulled Subaru over before he could escape. "But ... but your bed is so cold..."
"I have blankets."
"And empty..."
"Lots of blankets."
"Please?"
"Good night Kamui, sleep on your side so that you don't asphyxiate yourself."
Kamui grumbled something adorably and promptly gave up. Subaru was sure Kamui would be fine, but he came by to check every few hours just to make sure anyway.
Kamui grinned, being on his hands and knees brought out all of the animal qualities in his figure. The way his back ached into a fine, graceful curve. The way his thin arms and legs hid a layer of deceptively strong muscles. The way his eyes and lips and features of his face displayed pain, anger, joy so boldly. He rotated his shoulder a little slyly and moved towards Subaru.
Sitting on the estate's pristinely kept grass, Subaru lifted an eyebrow when two hands came to rest on his legs like paws and Kamui leaned up and stared at him mischievously. He waited as he nursed a fleeting moment of curiosity to see what Kamui was up to, and watched as Kamui's eyes disappeared under his bangs. He grunted, and made a strange little sound Subaru wasn't sure how to interpret before lifting his head just enough to reveal a flash of grinning eyes and sniffed animatedly at Subaru.
Subaru blinked and leaned back on to his hands as Kamui climbed up a little further and sniffed experimentally again, taking only a moment for reflection before he made an affirmative little expression and licked the side of Subaru's face.
"Raa," Kamui said, not drawing away far enough for his face to be seen. He nuzzled Subaru's neck.
Subaru laughed, "what is this, a cat?"
He made no real attempt to push Kamui away, although he didn't encourage the behavior any either.
Kamui growled up against the tender skin of Subaru's neck. He shifted his hands, nails scrapping the fabric under them like claws. "Wolf actually."
"Wolf Kamui huh?" he leaned back a little more innocently so that Kamui could climb into his lap. Well perhaps not so that Kamui could climb in his lap, but not surprisingly Kamui followed him and ended up just there. His hands pawed at Subaru gently, merely playfully pretending to claw at him. His teeth skimmed Subaru's shoulder, sinking into the flesh not so much painfully. Subaru shrugged him away with another chuckle. "So what, am I being mauled here?"
Kamui shook his head, soft feathery locks of gray hair twitching back and forth with him. "Raaar," he said again, nipping at Subaru's ear.
"You going to eat me Wolf-Kamui?"
He grinned, "Maybe."
"Maybe we should get you checked for rabies."
"Rar!" Kamui attacked Subaru's neck with rough kisses, his hands clumsily undoing the buttons of his shirt. He nuzzled the onmyouji and pushed his weight forward gently. Subaru smiled--God Kamui thought, he's so gorgeous when he smiles-- and lied back onto the grass without argument. The playfulness was so uncharacteristic for Kamui it pricked Subaru's curiosity. "You haven't been in the liquor again have you?"
Kamui growled against his chest. "Nooo ... I'm wild and vicious."
"Mmmmm ... truly," Subaru murmured, his hands working all through Kamui's unordered feathery hair. His fingers curved around the edge of Wolf-Kamui's ears and drew the hair back with a strong hand. "I am going to have to tame you?"
Kamui's response was an odd sound Subaru had to strain to hear, and consider before he could identify it. "Wolves don't purr..."
"They do when they have Subarus to pet them."
"I see," Subaru hummed, his own voice a delicious deep purr as Kamui continued working down his torso. He was so different then before, Subaru thought idly. He had always been so timid, so self-conscious, but enthusiastic about these sort of things. Yet here Kamui displayed an amazing amount of confidence. He definitely wasn't a boy anymore.
It occurred to Kamui that Subaru had fallen very silent and very still all of a sudden. And that he could barely hear the Sumeragi's breath curling slowly out of his throat. He was instantly terrified, he had come so far with the onmyouji, they had grown so close, shared so much...
"Kamui?"
His voice sounded weak, almost cracked. Not what he was expecting from Subaru at all. Kamui looked up, and sure enough the dull far away look that he dreaded was carried heavily in Subaru's green eyes.
"Uhhh ... yeah?"
He was so scared. God, what did he have to be scared of anymore? Soon everything would be over and he would lose the last thing he had to lose.
"Did you ever hate me?"
Of course Subaru would know him well enough to know that Kamui's harsh attitude over the months was more fear that Subaru would leave him again than real hate for anything Subaru might have done.
"Hate you?" Kamui echoed. Why did he want to know this now?
Subaru's hand pushed the edge of Kamui's shirt off his shoulder so timidly that immediately Kamui understood. He couldn't be feeling guilty about that could he?
"It never occurred to me that I was hurting you."
Kamui didn't believe that. He didn't believe Subaru was lying to him either, but he didn't believe that Subaru never thought about it that way. He swallowed whatever he was feeling at the time and replied dryly, "no I never hated you Subaru."
"Why not?"
"I dunno ... I sympathized I think, you needed somebody. I didn't mind being your distraction really, you were mine anyway."
Subaru shook his head and pulled Kamui down gently as he rose up off the grass. "I have a confession to make..."
Confession? Kamui didn't like the way this was going. A tight ball was curling up in his stomach. That smile ... he couldn't allow himself to think this was going to go well. Every time he thought that Subaru might feel anything for him he was hurt.
"You were never my distraction," Subaru admitted.
Not even that? Great... "Oh... well..."
"You were my fantasy."
That ... that couldn't be true...
"It was one of those fantasies that I knew would never be reality," Subaru confessed. "Never they way I wanted things to be at least."
"How did you want things to be Subaru?"
Subaru looked up and shook his head weakly, "it's not important ... the past can't be undone so it could never be, any attempt would have been doomed from the start. Maybe I should have realized that sooner."
Kamui hated being able to feel the blow coming, but having to wait for confirmation to be uttered. He wanted to get to the point already. "You're leaving me aren't you?"
"No ... I'm not."
"Then you're sending me away.."
Subaru shook his head again before pulling Kamui across the distance that separated them and into a startling kiss. Kamui was overwhelmed, drawn into Subaru so deep it felt rough and consuming. The edge of Subaru's teeth scraping his lips and his tongue teasing him open. His hands were suddenly everywhere at once, running over Kamui's chest and shoulders, down his back and scooping under him, lifting him, pulling him up and demanding him close. Subaru's arms tethering him against the onmyouji's body. Everything was so close and hot. It was good, but it wasn't any kind of answer that Kamui wanted to hear. It wasn't what he needed to hear either. After all these years, even if he hadn't been conscious for most of them, he needed something solid. He needed a strong and truthful answer.
He broke off the kiss a little more desperately than he would have liked, "what do you mean?"
"I know it's silly to think you wouldn't understand," Subaru murmured as his finger tips skated gently down Kamui's cheek. "Feeling as if time is standing still for you. That what is in fact years for everyone else feels only like moments. Silly to think that you wouldn't understand the feeling of losing nine years, that at any moment you might be 16 again. I realize that's silly, if anything you have more reason to have felt like that than I did."
Kamui nodded darkly, "I know what it is like."
Subaru's hands were already drawing him back down. They were nestled in his head as the man's lips were working down his forehead. And moments were spent just breathing in the scent that was so close it could have mingled with the hot feelings of lust. "And to feel that it's all a dream you might one day wake up from..." Subaru's breath was lightly and erotically slipping across his skin. "I'm sorry Kamui, it was wrong to think of you like you weren't real ... like you had no feelings of your own."
"Am I real now?" was all Kamui could think to ask. Despite their similarities he could not relate to what Subaru was proclaiming. He couldn't imagine fooling yourself into believing something like that. But then Subaru was very good at lying to himself.
"Yes..." he sighed. "Although it seems that will just cause us both more pain. You can't stay here Kamui."
Of course Kamui had been waiting to hear such a statement from the beginning, but his heart still shuttered coldly at the words. His eyes slipped closed and his hands tightened gently on Subaru's shoulders as if he were trying to hold himself together. "Why not?"
Subaru smiled, although to Kamui's hurt and bitter mind it hardly seemed appropriate. "Because, you make me want things I can't have ... not yet at least. And I feel very strongly that there is a reason you woke up after all this time."
"Like what, Fate?"
"Maybe something like that, but it doesn't make sense to me otherwise. I know in my heart there's a reason you came back, there's something that awoke you Kamui, something you have to do."
Kamui nodded, not at all comforted by this thought, simply accepting it for it's likelihood. "Sometimes I think I can remember it too."
"You have to think about it Kamui, you have to try to remember what it was."
"What if it was to be with you?" Kamui asked hopefully, although he knew neither one of them really honestly believed it. And it was wrong of him to encourage them both to lie to themselves just to have a few moments of empty happiness. That was what Subaru meant wasn't it?
"I'm worried that it might be too easy for both of us to remain trapped by the bonds we have to other matters ... we could stay here like this," he suggested as he rested his cheek on the top of Kamui's head. "But we'd never really be together would we? There'd always be our unresolved pasts standing between us, pulling us further away until what? Until all the delusions dissolve? Until we have to sacrifice this tenderness to deny the truth? Until we hate each other?"
"I don't know Subaru ... I don't know at all..."
"Neither do I," Subaru admitted softly. "But it bothers me all the same. You asked me that night what it was that was keeping me from being happy with you, that's it."
