Flint whistled a soft tune to himself as he sauntered down the quiet corridors of Cobra headquarters. He was on his way to the all-important meeting with Cobra Commander. Soon, Flint would begin to learn the truth behind the strange behavior afflicting the G.I. JOE women, and Lady Jaye, in particular.

Nearing the side corridor that led to Cobra Commander's private quarters, Flint passed by a door in the hallway that was slightly ajar. Without warning, a black-gloved hand shot out from the door, grabbed Flint by the collar, and yanked him into the room before the surprised Joe traitor could even utter a word in protest.

There was a swift slam of the door, and in the dim light, Flint found himself face to face with the Baroness, alone. He found himself more than a little disconcerted by the strange look of intense desire that raged on the countenance of the Baroness.

"Hey, what's the big idea?" Flint said.

The Baroness made no reply, instead shoving him against the closed door and hemming him in. Flint was trapped. There was no escape as the Baroness engaged Flint in a furious lip-lock.

When the Baroness finally came up for air, she gasped heavily.

"You were incredible out there. Watching you shoot down those flight pods one by one, sending the pilots to their agonizing deaths, was such a huge turn on. It made me so wet! It was one of the sexiest things I've ever seen."

Flint blinked dumbly, his mind still reeling from the force of the Baroness' kiss.

"Uh, thanks, Baroness," Flint said. "Listen, I've got an important meeting with Cobra Commander, so maybe if I could just sign autographs for you now, we could pick this up later?"

"No," the Baroness said, "there's something you must know. Cobra Commander has promised you the answers, which you so desperately seek. But it's a double cross. He is going to tell you lies, bullshit lies. You must not believe him."

"Why should I listen to you?"

"Oh Flint," the Baroness said tenderly, caressing Flint's cheek, "if you only knew how desperately I've wanted you, ever since the night we danced together on that boat. We danced together, and then Destro got mad and beat you up, remember?"

"Yeah, that was very romantic."

"I've never told this to a single soul, but I have hungered for you since that night. I've had wild, erotic fantasies of you stripping off my black uniform and giving me oral pleasure."

"Wow," Flint said. "Thanks, but I'm not in a hurry to get myself killed by Destro. And aren't you Destro's girl, anyhow?"

"That fool Destro! He has some bizarre, perverse attachment to that iron mask of his. Why, he won't even take it off when we're having sex! Do you know how unpleasant it is to have cold metal rubbing against your-"

"Okay!" Flint interrupted her. "That was a little TOO MUCH information-"

"The point is," Baroness continued, "I need a little variety. I need a little more of that human touch. That's where you come in. You're a handsome hunk. We could make passionate love all night like a pair of wild monkeys. Soft, warm, sensual. Think about it, Flint. It could be so wonderful!"

Flint turned toward the door, preparing to leave.

"Be careful, Flint!" the Baroness said. "Watch yourself around Cobra Commander. He's got eyes on the back of his head."

"Thanks for the advice," Flint said sarcastically.

* * *

Flint walked down to the Cobra Commander's private quarters. The door was wide open, and Flint hesitantly walked in, escorted by two Crimson Guards.

Inside the darkened room, Cobra Commander sat with his back turned to the entrance. He was eating.

Cobra Commander's mask and helmet were off, and Flint caught a glimpse of the back of Cobra Commander's bald head as the Guardsmen announced his arrival. To Flint's great discomfort, he noticed an actual eye squarely on the back of the Commander's head. Actually, there were three of them, and they all stared at Flint, blinking periodically.

He's got eyes on the back of his head.

"The Baroness wasn't kidding," Flint observed to himself. What kind of a freak was this guy? Cobra Commander put on his helmet and mask before turning to Flint.

"Welcome, Flint," Cobra Commander said. "Have a sssseat."

Flint entered the room and took a seat at the Commander's table.

"Let's get down to business, sssshall we?"

"How the hell did Duke get Lady Jaye, Jinx, Scarlett, and Cover Girl to fall in love with him, all at once?"

Cobra Commander cackled.

"That's the million dollar quessstion, isn't it? The answer is ssssimple. Your 'friend' Duke has mastered a secret Cobra brainwasssshing technique. As long as he is alive, your women friends will remain hooked on him like Coke addicts. He must be killed. Only then will the women be releasssed from his sssinister power."

"Yes," Flint nodded, mindful of the Baroness' warning. "I must kill that rat bastard son of a motherless shit-eating donkey reamer, right away."

"Yessss," Cobra Commander said enthusiastically, "that's the way, my boy. You will attack and kill Duke."

"Attack, attack, attack!" Flint howled, putting on the most maniacal performance of his life. "KILL, KILL, KILL!!!"

"Yesss, yessss!!! Yesss!" Cobra Commander cried orgasmically.

Flint cocked an eyebrow at him.

Cobra Commander settled down a bit.

"Sorry, I get a little carried away by the thrill of murder. You will kill Duke, and we will help you!"

Flint and Cobra Commander both rose from their seats. Cobra Commander patted Flint on the back.

"We will attack G.I. JOE. You will lead us to victory," Cobra Commander said.

"Wait, I don't get it," Flint said. "Why go through the trouble of recruiting me into Cobra, just so I could go back and kill Duke? Couldn't you guys do that shit yourselves?"

"I'd like to be able to tell you that we at Cobra ssstrive for noble, lofty goals of world domination. That's all fine and good, but in the end, nothing gives me more pleasure than sticking it to G.I. JOE. You see, we're the bad guys. And bad guys love to kill good guys. It's a tale as old as time, song as old as rhyme. With your help, we can kill the good guys in the most poetic way possible. Disgruntled Joe returns to bring about the downfall of his erssstwhile brothers in arms! What a story of Shakespearian dimensions! Ah, the tragedy! OH, THE HUMANITY!!!"

Cobra Commander reached out his hands toward the heavens as he struck up a dramatic pose. He turned and looked at Flint.

"What do you think," Cobra Commander asked. "You liked that ssspeech? You think it was a tad over the top?"

"No, it was pretty good," Flint said. "It was all that and a bag of chips. Why, if I could talk like that, I'd be the president of the United States by now."

"Thanksss, I try."

* * *

Having decided that he needed to hear what the Baroness had to say, Flint found her private quarters and knocked on the door.

"Come in," the voice within said.

Flint walked in and nearly dropped dead of a coronary when he saw the Baroness lying on her bed, dressed in nothing but slinky red lingerie.

"For the love of Christ!" Flint cried, shielding his eyes in embarrassment.

"Is there a problem?"

"Yes, goddamnit there's a problem. How am I supposed to have a conversation with you when you're-you're-"

"You're what?"

"When you're half naked!" Flint finished, blushing.

"We're all alone tonight, Flint," the Baroness said, propping up her head on her elbow as she lay on the bed.

"Destro is away in his dumb ol' castle in Scotland for the weekend. That means we can finally be free to be together, at last."

"Yeah, thanks, but in case you forgot, I'm not the type who cheats on my girlfriend."

"What about Lady Jaye?" Baroness said with a mocking smile. "What do you think she's doing right this instant?"

Flint didn't need to think about it. He knew what was going on in Duke's room, at this very moment. The perverted bastard!

"Don't you think you're entitled to a little pleasure?"

"Well," Flint protested, his defenses dropping away like chaff.

"I can give you what you want," the Baroness said. "But it's only fair that I get something in return, no?"

Flint thought about it for a moment. The way he saw it, he had a couple of diametrically opposite choices.

OPTION #1: a) Don't have sex with the Baroness, b) don't find out the truth, c) don't ever have sex with Lady Jaye again.

OPTION #2: a) Have wild monkey sex with the Baroness, b) find answers you seek, c) get to have sex with Lady Jaye for the rest of your life.

In short, the choices could be summed up succinctly by the following alternatives.

OPTION #1: No pussy

OPTION #2: Lots of pussy

Seen in that light, the choice was an obvious one. Flint tore off his shirt.

"Give me some sugar, baby," Flint said.